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Message of the Darkness (Poem PG)

V

Ventus3

Waiting for summer
Author's Notes: this is PG for some slightly darker themes, I wasn't sure whether to make it PG-13 so somebody tell me kindly to change it if it's too mature for PG *that means don't blast me with a plasma rifle and then yell at me to change it like my logic did with Pokemon Star*

Message of the Darkness

The night,
a gentle cover for the actions of the evil one.
He crawls through it,
his blood, our fear.
He drinks it like a vampire.

Black with a red necklace.
The red reminding of the once ancient days,
when the vampires roamed free.

He slithers in the shadows,
waiting for his unfortunate victims.
Nothing but his trap awaiting them,
He waits until they have come too close,
the trap raises.
His silent form rises from the depths of the shadows.

He crawls in their mind,
he lays his horrible trap,
baroque.
The dark in his trap twists and turns,
the soul torn asunder.

Darkrai,
the dark prince.
He creeps through the night,
his message of the once destructive darkness reverberates from the new moon,
the sky, a deathly black.

(Please comment and review if possible! But nobody likes flames so . . .

Demonic Human Kitty: I'll get KillBill on you! xD JK my owner will just report you if you flame or spam)
 
Last edited:
P

poke poke

hello
I'll try my best to review, but I've never done it with poems before so don't shoot me if it's horrible.

Ventus3 said:
his water, our fear.
He drinks it like a vampire.
Click to expand...

Do you mean blood here? Cause I doubt Darkrai drinks water and we fear it (xD)

Ventus3 said:
and shoots 'em unconscious, a victim.
Click to expand...

I don't know why you put 'em there. It was sounding all medieval and creepy until then; where you turned it all army-military style.

Ventus3 said:
He crawls in their mind,
he lays his horrible trap,
baroque.
The dark in his trap twists and turns,
the soul torn asunder.
Click to expand...

I loved the choice of words in this stanza.

Lovely poem as usual V3. I'll leave it to someone more able to give you a better review.
 
V

Ventus3

Waiting for summer
I edited! Thank you for the helpful advice. I changed water to blood xD and I also changed that line a bit if that helps make it better. (Seriously, on the site I came from, standards were lower than here, so nobody could help me improve at all once I got at a high enough level to even be taken seriously in this section of Serebii. net forums)
 
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