Mewtwo fanfic

[Cute Umbreon]

1





today was the big day.the day i would get my first pokemon.so,i went to Prof.maple's lab.when i got there,he gave me a strange looking egg,with purple tails all over
it.i went back home to try to get it to hatch,so i took it in the tub with me.after about 5 minutes or so,it started to hatch!it came out as a very cute MEWTWO with a green tail(it's a shiny pokemon!)
so,i dried mewtwo off,and went downstairs with him to show my mom."WOW,what a cool pokemon you have jeromy!!!"






"Let's go to prof.maple's house to show him what hatched from the egg!"i said""OK,let's go!" said mewtwo.So,we started walking to his house,when all of a sudden,a wild eevee appeared!
"Mewtwo,use psychic!"Ok,sure!" a blue wave of psychic energy came out from his hands.Eevee looked badly injured. "GO,POKEBALL!!!" i yelled out.The pokeball shaked three times."YES!" i yelled! My first pokemon i ever
caught.I couldn't believe it.I let Eevee out of her pokeball. "BRII!Eevee eve!" mewtwo then said:"Eevee,jeromy just caught you,which means he will take care of you from now on..
I knocked on Proffeser maple's door."yes?"They intercom said."hello,Prof.maple,the egg hatched.can i show you? I said."of couse
come on in!"



So,i opened the door."Prof. maple,where are you?"i said."in the living room."he said.so I went into his living room and sh.owed him mewtwo.in reply,he said:"remarkable,amazing,marvelous,unique!"you like him?"i said.
"I love him!"he said.so,I came out of his house,and set out on my journey.

this is my first fanfic,so go easy on me!i will add chapter 2 in the next 5 days.

 

[Joe Vega #4]

This is not good. A MEWTWO, a genderless Pokemon, has a Shiny offspring?!

Lots of captitalization & punctuation is missing, it's too short, don't abbreviate your words, and we don't even know what Jeromy's mom looks like, Prof. Maple, or even Jeromy for that matter. Not only that, statements are where they shouldn't be, it's a Mary-Sue (n00bishly powerful) fic, and "Mewtwo fanfic" and "1" are the best you can come up with?

Overall 3/10

 

[Dilasc]

Your grammar is attrocious as your blatant lie in tha you call this an actual attempt at trying. Obviously, you have not read the rules, or you believe that they are beneath you. For shame, sirrah!

Regardless of your rule breaking, I will review your 'story.' Get ready for a big pile of SARCASM mixed with harsh discipline, you've earned it!

today was the big day.the day i would get my first pokemon.so,i went to Prof.

Wow! A lack of capitalization and proper puntuation! My dear, sweet author, I am so hooked by your catchy introduction! Wow, just wow! I wish my grammar was this poor!

when i got there,he gave me a strange looking egg,with purple tails all over
it.i went back home to try to get it to hatch,so i took it in the tub with me.

Wow, an unneeded use of the enter key, even better. Zoh my god! You're having a hot, steamy bath scene. Wow, I can litterally feel that as much as I can feel the top of Mt. Everest all the way from New York! Hot egg on man is kinky and will be shunned by most, just be aware of the rating upping you'll need for having a bath scene of this nature.

after about 5 minutes or so,it started to hatch!it came out as a very cute MEWTWO with a green tail(it's a shiny pokemon!)
so,i dried mewtwo off,and went downstairs with him to show my mom."WOW,what a cool pokemon you have jeromy!!!"

I envy your 1337 laziness. You have done the coolest! Awesome, MY002 is teh pwn (insert bunch of needless smilies here!) What we have here is an EPIC in the works!

Attention! Attention everyone! Read this right here! THIS is how you write something EPIC, and unstoppably cool! It's so good that the universe dicates that the five star rating must change places with the one star rating.

"Let's go to prof.maple's house to show him what hatched from the egg!"i said""OK,let's go!" said mewtwo.So,we started walking to his house,when all of a sudden,a wild eevee appeared!

I hate Eevee, but for now, I'm a sarcastic liar with a hidden moral, so this is just one hardtacking action package after another! Cool! Mewtwo TALKED! Gotta love your lack of proper punctuation which you are just too badass to use properly! Kudos!

"Mewtwo,use psychic!"Ok,sure!" a blue wave of psychic energy came out from his hands.Eevee looked badly injured. "GO,POKEBALL!!!" i yelled out.The pokeball shaked three times."YES!" i yelled! My first pokemon i ever
caught.

Wow! Cool fight! I'm sure you don't know this, even after I've said so many times before, but you're too cool for proper grammer. Heck, you're so leet that you don't even need to use a correct word like shook, and instead made up the awesomeness that is 'shaked,' which doesn't exist, mind you.

I couldn't believe it.I let Eevee out of her pokeball. "BRII!Eevee eve!" mewtwo then said:"Eevee,jeromy just caught you,which means he will take care of you from now on..

Even more mistakes that just make this the coolest story ever written. Zoh My God, WRITE MORE!

"hello,Prof.maple,the egg hatched.can i show you? I said."of couse
come on in!"

It's always cool when strange men let little boys and their balls into their house for very little reason. Yup, definitely plot holed to awesomeness akll throughout this story. I can't think of anything else witty to put here, so I'm just rambling because it's cool, yo!


If you can't guess, I'm quoting the awesomeness of your thrice enter keyed paragraphing to depict a new... well, paragraph, duh! Werd up, yo!

So,i opened the door."Prof. maple,where are you?"i said."in the living room."he said.

Too cool to uppercase the first letter of a sentence, the possessive I, or the man's name, right? Alright! Fight the power, dawg! A locked story thread... tis but a flesh wound to you, right?

so I went into his living room and sh.owed him mewtwo.

You're sh.owing real sk.ill h.ere! Wow, you uppercased the word I? Make up your mind here! Are you fighting the power of proper grammer, or are you obeying the law like a good citizen?

in reply,he said:"remarkable,amazing,marvelous,unique!"

Even though you're new, you're leet popping fresh with your use of a colon when you may not even know that you shouldn't use them topo often if you can avoid it. No diggity!

you like him?"i said.
"I love him!"he said.so,I came out of his house,and set out on my journey.

Thy beautiful chapter end. Hooray! There's definitely nothing wrong with the sudden switch from inside a naughty man's house to sending a little boy and his awesome 00ber shiny out into the wild, dangerous world, right? Am I right? Naw? Well, keep at it space mankey!

Now that I'm done being cruel, for which I appologize if I was to begin with, I'll get serious.

I'll be honest starting now. This is crap! It's not inspiring, not creative, and I bet you wouldn't know MS Word from MST, both of which are good. Let's focus on MS Word though. It will help you immensely. It'll show you errors in spelling, and in some versions, it'll help you out a bit grammatically as well. Not that Buddha himself could save this, but if you put an effort into this, you may go somewhere... maybe it'll delay the locking or deletion of this thread by a few more days.

All I ca say is this: Read fics! Read some well written Journey fics if that is what you wish to create. It'll help you immensely, I can bet the beating black heart in my chest that reading some fics will help you. You need to do one thing, and that's PAY ATTENTION. Pay attention to their grammatical usages and their placements of periods, commas, and quotation marks. Never abreviate, and always put in an effort.

If you are unwilling to take this advice, then all I can say is good luck and godspeed, because you'll need them both much in the way our planet needs the sun. Let me tell you, that the sun is everything.

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

Heya!

I'm assuming that Mewtwo and Eevee are your favourite pokemon? Eh, it's alright to play favourites (after all, pretty much every author's main character is an expression of themselves - it's like giving yourself your fave pokemon). But if you're going to do that, I'd advise you to be very careful in the way you go about it.

For instance, Mewtwo - according to the movies - is pretty much as intelligent and self-respecting as a human. And even though the Mewtwo in your story is a different one, people still associate it with the 'canon' Mewtwo who would definitely NOT behave like the one in your story. The difference is striking - and for some, VERY hard to swallow. What I'd advise you to do is to shape Jeromy's Mewtwo into an entirely different character so that people begin think of them as two separate characters rather than two versions of the same one.

Actually, I'd advise building all of your character's personalities a bit more. The first chapter was rather short (which is alright for a prologue, but remember that future chapters are required by the rules to be at least a page in Word) and there wasn't much to help the readers connect to your characters. I'd suggest letting the readers see a bit more of the characters' inner thoughts and motivations. Help them to understand why your characters think and act the way they do. As you build realistic, normal personalities for your characters, your readers can more easily identify with them and enjoy reading about them.

Oh, and don't forget that this generally applies to all characters. So I'm not just talking about Jeromy and Mewtwo, but Eevee, Maple and Jeromy's mother as well.

Anyway, there were bits about this that I thought were really original and logical - Jeromy returning to Maple's to show him the pokemon that hatched. It's great to see a little more of the professors than mechanical duplicates that simply hand out the pokemon and are never seen again. Slick work there, though if you want to build on it even more, mebbe try fleshing the scene out with regard to the atmosphere and detail. For example, what's the professor's living room like? It's rare that the more personal sides of the professors are seen, so extra info and atmosphere here would really add to the realism of your story.

Unfortunately, as Dilasc already mentioned, there's a whole lot of techincal (spelling/punctuation/formatting/grammatical) errors here. Spellcheckers (for example, the one in Word) will help you here, but don't forget to proof read cause Spellcheckers don't always pick up on mistakes like 'their' vs 'there' and so forth. However, if you don't know what you're looking for, beta readers can be a big help. Betas proof read your work for you before you post, correcting technical errors and even advising you on the plot and content. If you're looking for a beta, just politely ask someone clued in on the technical side of writing. ^^

And I reckon that's about enough to go on with at the moment. Just remember for next chapter to increase the length to at least a page in Word so this thread doesn't get closed for rule breaking and keep working on your characters. ^^ Good luck and fun to you!

Piney.
;204;;324;

 

[Guitar dude bill]

Well,

First thing was the grammar. Nouns (names of locations, people etc) should be capatalized. Only first letter. Like

"I am ready, so is Henry" instead of

"i am ready, so is henry".

That includes Mewtwo, Eevee, names of pokemon as well.

Also, when you're typing, space between every word you make. After a comma (,), hit the space bar. Have commas at the end of the word. Have full stops (.) at the end of words too. Then after the full stop, hit the space bar. Full stops are used to end sentences, so in quicker words, hit the space bar after a sentence. Sentences must make pretty much complete sense on their own, despite a misunderstanding of nouns and stuff. For further guidance on punctuation rules, read advice for aspiring authors sticky.

Don't abbreviate anything. Like prof. instead of proffesor, 5 instead of five etc. Don't use full stops after abbreviated words though. You can use them in dialogue (speech) but don't use the full stop. Abbreviations like mr, mrs, dr can be used if there's a noun afterwards.

To avoid making these grammar and spelling mistakes, type on MS word and use it's spell checker. A beta reader would be useful too (someone who checks it before you post it). If you need one, I'll volunteer.

Hit the enter key twice when someone new speaks, unless you have the "he said" before the dialogue, in which case you start a new paragraph at the "he said".

Shiny ubers aren't a good choice for a starter, nor are any legendaries or abnormal pokemon in some way.

If the pokemon is rare, powerful, well-known to be a starter, has no evolutions or used rather commonly in fics, are bad choices. So Eevee is a bad choice as well, as it's been used in coliseum and XD.

If you love the pokemon and are desperate to use it, you may have your trainer catch it. If it's shiny or uber, give an extremely good reason for it, and give the uber a good reason to want to accompany the trainer. This event of catching the uber should have some relation to the plot.

Also, describe the pokemon. We DO know what they look like, but describe them anyway. Like, explain what Mewtwo looks like, explain what the Eevee looks like.

And definately describe what the trainer looks like, 'cause we don't even know that!

It was a bit short. I mean, THREE PARAGRAPHS? Way too short. To avoid closure, fics must be a page on MS word. But still make it longer than that. Make the first chapter about three pages, second about five, third about eight, and keep making it longer and longer.

Add a bit more emotion into your characters. Like if he's starting his journey, make him excited! If someone dies, make him sad. Describe his emotions in narration, voice and reaction. If he's sad, make him talk in a sad tone of voice, and make him react in a sad way.

But, something I noticed about your fic that didn't make it fail in absolutely everywhere. You didn't use the game boy terms like, "he used Psychic" and explained what him using Psychic was like.

I reccomend you read the advice for aspiring authors to help you in the next chapter. Keep writing anyway, you'll improve (Hopefully)

GDB.