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Missingno the infection

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Liz Azzimagica, Nov 24, 2012.

  1. Liz Azzimagica

    Liz Azzimagica Angelic Trainer

    Prolog:​

    In a land known as the Rainbow Region...it is peaceful and the pokemon there are mysteriously all shiny. Not much is known as to why they’re all shiny though it is believed to be connected to a strange fruit that grows only one secret place. It is said that it used to grow all over the region but when humans got ahold of it for a impure reason, it would cause the tree to disappear. As such, only one remains but for pokemon, if they eat it, it will cause them and their generations to come to be Shiny. As for what it can do to humans, nobody knows for sure.

    As such, unlike other regions, The Rainbow Region is the only place in the entire world where you’re sure to get a shiny starter. As trainers receive their first pokemon as they do in all other regions...a mysterious threat looms on the horizon...

    In the nearby region known as Twilight Region, it is said that the Reshiram that lives in the light realm and the Zekrom that lives in the darkness realm clashed two millenniums ago. This made the 2 realms merge with the surrounding areas and merge together in the center of the region. This created a black and White mixed sky in the center…like a permanent mix of dark and white clouds that would never go away. The Darkness from that point on spread northward while the light spread southward. This left half of the Region into total darkness while the other half was total light all the time.

    A Mew, a pink cat-like pokemon with blue eyes and a long pink tail, lived in the epicenter of the battle was stunned to see what was being done in the Regions by the two polar opposite black and white dragons. She wanted to two to stop what they we’re doing and when Zekrom, the black dragon, used Bolt Strike sending a huge black lightning bolt that was darkness infused and Reshiram, the majestic white dragon, used Blue Flame, actuality coming out white due to being Light infused, Mew knew this would cause more devastation to the Region.

    As the two powerful attacks collided, Mew bravely fired an aura sphere at the attacks from Zekrom and Reshiram. It absorbed both attacks within and created the Twilight Orb. Mew caught it being asked what the big idea of ruining their fight was. Mew then looked at them and begged the two to stop fighting and once the two realized what they have done to the region, they retreated to their respective realms as what was done could not be repaired.

    However...little did they know they all created something more dangerous...a mysterious creature that lives inside the twilight orb that knows nether light nor darkness. It has no emotion, is very power hungry and is poised to destroy humanity. The mysterious infection...missingno.
    __________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________


    Chapter 1:
    The Nightmare Forthcomes​


    A 16 year old Girl named Liz Azzimagica sleeps in her bed as she anticipates tomorrow. O yes, tomorrow...when she gets her first pokemon...now Liz is a strange girl because she has wings, angel wings to be exact and she loves wearing all white with a red jacket and a silver necklace with a sapphire blue pendant. She is also light skinned, has brown eyes, brown hair, is a very faithful friend and an upbeat person. The kind of person anyone would hope to know as a friend...the angelic girl lives up to her name. And of course, as any trainer, she is excited in not knowing who to choose because this region has starters from all over the planet. The five starters of Kanto, the three of Johto, Hoenn, Sinnoh and even Unova...you name it.

    Even in all this happiness however, a darkness looms in her dreams...
    She has had a reoccurring nightmare for months and tonight is no acceptation. In the dream, she is cornered by pokemon of all kinds that have no emotion to their face...a blankness in their eyes...and a shapeless something overhead that keeps changing forms...the scariest is what appears to be a bone Aerodactyl...and just as they’re about to attack her...
    BEEP, BEEP, BEEP...her alarm goes off followed by "Drop Everything now, meet me in the pouring Rain, kiss me on the sidewalk, take away the pain..." her favorite song by, Sparks Fly-Taylor Swift, plays and she walks up in a shock.

    Liz looks around the room in a panic and sighs in a bit of relief.

    "It was only that dream again..." she said looking about the room then at the clock. "Whoa, how long did I sleep?! has my alarm really been going for 15 minutes?!"

    With that she gets dressed, gets her packed bag, grabs a chocolate chip bar on the way out and heads to the lab.

    Liz thinks to herself ok...Seline said she wanted Eevee...Eevee was on my top five list along with Snivy, Piplup, Pikachu and Charmander...they are all so cute...well...they are all different types to...normal, grass, water, electric and fire...thing is...Pikachu is the only one that evolves on a total voluntary basis...well, guess I'll base it on whoever catches my attention the most but ether way I want a Pikachu eventually she though with a smile.

    As she thought about what she truly wanted, she made it to the lab where her two friends, Seline and Dread, we're waiting for her. Seline was the daughter of a scientist and 16 as well. She had long black hair, blue eyes, fair skinned, wore a long white robe with a white shirt and pants. Dread was a rather casual guy himself but could be a real hot head when he wanted to be, he was also 16. He had Blue eyes as well, fair skin, red shirt, blue pants and tennis shoes.

    Seline looked over at Liz, "Slept in again?"

    Liz looked at her, "Only by 15 minutes...had that nightmare again..."

    "Again...? Wow...that's how many months...? You sure you don't have a Darkrai in the house?" Seline asked with a bit of sarcasm in her voice.

    "It's been three months and yes, I haven’t seen a Darkrai around my house" Liz said looking at her a bit upset.

    Seline laughed a bit and said, "Well if you’re sure..." she said with a smile and a littlt giggle, "Anyway...some trainers came earlier and got Snivy, Piplup and a Tepig...and you know they only allow one kind of each starter per trainer per day"

    "Are you serious? hmm...that leaves me with---" As Liz was about to state her choices, Dread cut in by saying Charmander is gonna be his choice.

    Liz actuality smiled a little knowing Pikachu was still up for grabs. "In that case, guess Pikachu is gonna be my choice..."

    With that, the doors open, a young professor, named Jewel, greeted them as they walked in. There are 14 balls on the table, each labeled by type and each with a label saying what they contain. Two balls stand alone on the end, the one for Eevee and the one for Pikachu. Liz is kind of sad seeing Pikachu's ball all alone on its own table and at the same time, is glad to choose it. Seline feels the same way about the Eevee she has chosen. As they pick them up, they let their new partners out and they are delighted to see their new trainers. To Liz's surprise, both her new Pikachu and Seline's new Eevee are both female.

    Liz decides to name her new Pikachu Crystal. Crystal loves her new name and finds her way unto Liz's Shoulder. Seline doesn't nickname her Eevee but she seems perfectly happy anyway as Eevee finds her way unto Seline's shoulder as well. Dread doesn't nickname Charmander ether, which is a male which suits him best. The three are given 5 balls each, a Pokedex and a PDA system to send messages to each other. With all that in hand, they all set off leaving ruby town behind and are bided good luck.
     
    Last edited: Nov 30, 2012
  2. Dilasc

    Dilasc Boip!

    I can see there are some fairly obvious flaws so before I get to the nitty gritty, let me get to something that'll help make this look nicer:

    Remove the smilies and emotcon faces. ^.^ is not becoming for literary appeal unless you're doing it for comedic purposes. Another thing is not to used colored text, even if white technically isn't a color being the exact opposite of black text... erm, my point still stands. Stay standard. As for the story, I was almost convinced at first that this was some sort of parody with a 'Rainbow' land where everything is a shiny, so every pokemon is a one in 8191 rarity. Speaking of numbers, unless they're large numbers, write 'em out! Saying four or five instead of 4 or 5 shows more class than three outstretched pinkies.


    Also spellcheck. I notice errors like minuts and havnt.


    Also a main character with angel wings. I don't know what to expect, but I've been surprised by shaky premises before. I do think you need to clean things up and read Advice for aspiring authors a few times though. It'll help immensely.
     
  3. Liz Azzimagica

    Liz Azzimagica Angelic Trainer

    the only thing I'll leave in is the emotions cause that's how I type, only when the character is happy or angery...you we're right about the typos though, sheesh...I promise I am the worst when it comes to blasted typos, but I can't help it though, with my autism, when I write "actuality" it always comes out "achually" and I have little control over that
     
  4. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    Firstly, I gave a reply about the emoticons thing as you posted in the Rules: http://www.serebiiforums.com/showth...ion-Rules-Please-Read&p=15400791#post15400791 In short, it is something that ought to be dropped as it's a) against the rules for fics, and b) not a good thing to use either. (I'll add that I have only ever seen it done...twice in fics when it would arguably be acceptable, and both of them were purposefully very silly (crack fics) which is probably the only situation they could be used it, as an outlandish joke. By far the exception, not the norm).
    Actually, there is a way to help typos; a number of them actually. The easiest is the use of a spell/grammar checker. For starters, be sure to use some sort of word processing document like Word, as those have a built in spell checker. If you don't have that, Openoffice is free to download and Google Docs is a free online service, and both have those tools as well. And you can always google an online spell/grammar checker program as well.

    You can also have someone beta read your story (that is, proofread it before you post it), although note they shouldn't be doing things that a spell/grammar checker can (ie always use a s/g checker first).

    I'd suggest removing the bold formatting too as it still makes reading a bit harder, although at least that is better than white and bold.
     
  5. Liz Azzimagica

    Liz Azzimagica Angelic Trainer

    I always found bold lettering eaiser to read myself but fine...
     
  6. Liz Azzimagica

    Liz Azzimagica Angelic Trainer

    Missingno the infection, Chapter 2

    Chapter 2:
    The Infection Breaks Loose


    After two days into Liz's travels, she has parted ways with her friends Seline and Dread, for now. She caught a Starly, that she nicknamed Brownie and a Minccino that she had no nickname for. Both Female and both shiny like Crystal. Crystal enjoyed being outside her ball all the time as Liz thought she would. Liz had always loved Pikachu so she studied them a lot in the event she would get one. Now that she has one of her own, she knows exactly how to treat her. Crystal, to Liz's pleasant surprise, was born with the special move Volt Tackle, which came in handy with catching Brownie.

    Still, even with all this new traveling abroad, the nightmare continued to follow her. The same one that haunted her for the last three months continued into these past two days. The night before, she tossed and turned so much, that Crystal had to shock her awake in the middle of the night. Liz was shocked in more ways than one when she woke up but was more shaken then upset. So she actually hugged Crystal and knew she made the right starter choice.

    As they walked on the route to Amber City, Liz talks to Crystal hoping to one day understand her perfectly.

    Liz looks at her and says, "Crystal, I'm glad I picked you as my starter...you seem so sensitive to others feelings..." she said with a smile.

    Crystal smiles and nods, "<So I have been told...>"

    "Though you know...although I don't understand what you say completely...I can feel the emotion in your voice..." Liz said with a smile.

    This made Crystal smile to as they we're truly bonding and she simply nodded in response. Later that night, the dream reoccurred again keeping Liz from receiving anything but peaceful rest. The next day, she makes it into Amber Town, takes her pokemon to the center and learns that local gym is a rock type gym. The Leader's name here Branko and she knows her current team won't stand a chance and she needs a water or grass type. She asks around and is told to go to the crystal woods.

    "The Crystal Woods has many grass and water types" a trainer she asked told her.

    Liz nodded at her the trainer, "Thank you so much" she said in a happy response and set off to the Crystal woods.

    As she searched for a pokemon to help her in her gym battle, another battle was stirring in the Twilight Region. A Mew was keeping watch on the surrounding area and the precious Twilight Orb. Though something was stirring inside the orb itself, struggling to break loose and wanting to be free. Mew noticed this and was perplexed and saw a pair of glowing eyes on the orb. Mew was taken aback as the orb suddenly burst from what appeared to be a sky attack and a strange, shadowy shapeless figure appears from the blast.

    "FREEEEEE FREE AT LAST!!!!!!" it declares, "FINALLY AFTER TWO MILLENNIUMS....I AM FINALLY FREEEEEE!"

    Mew is stunned by this turn of events and has no clue what to make of it. Should she try talking to this strange creature? She wasn't sure what else to do.

    "W-What are you? who are you...?" Mew asked cautiously.

    The strange creature looks at Mew and said, "I AM MISSINGNO...I WAS BORN AND CREATED TWO MILLENNIUMS AGO INSIDE THE ORB I BROKE FREE FROM...AND NOW THAT I AM FREE...I WILL RULE THIS WORLD..."

    Mew was startled by the creature's claims and said, "M-Missingno...? you’re saying...the dark and light attack I captured b-breed you and gave you life...?"

    "SO...YOU ADMIT TO LEADING A HAND IN CREATING ME...WELL THEN...I SOPPOSE YOU'LL BE THE FIRST..." he said as he changed into his shadow Ghost form and tries heading for her.

    Mew tries firing an aura sphere and as it hits, it has no impact at all. Mew is shocked by this as she has to get out of the way. Missingno turns back around to fire water gun and Mew counter attacks with psychic and the 2 moves collide. As Missingno came at Mew again, a Togekiss and Zoroark, which goes by the name of “Zist”, appear from the 2 different sides. Togekiss is the servant of Reshiram in the Light Realm while Zist is the servant of Zekrom in the darkness realm. As such, they have their differences but work together only when forced to, and this is one of those times.

    Zist fires a Dark Pulse and Togekiss fires an air slash hitting Missingno. Mew looks there way and realizes she's just been saved.

    "Zist...Togekiss...thank you..." Mew said to them.

    "Don't thank us yet...I doubt that thing is done with us..." Zist said back to her.

    "What is that thing anyway...?" Togekiss asked as Missingno changed again into its odd shape.

    "It called itself a Missingno and it wants to rule the world..." Mew replied to her, "it came out of the Twilight Orb..."

    "S-Seriously?!" Togekiss asked in shock.

    Mew nodded in response and said, "If we can knock it out, maybe I can absorb it into another aura sphere..."

    The other 2 nodded in agreement and prepared for a fight to the finish. All the meanwhile back in the Crystal Woods, Liz had located a wild female shiny Snivy which was quite a lucky find considering their very rare in the area. She tried battling a Treeko earlier but it fled after breaking out of the ball and knows this is her second chance.

    "All the pokemon in the region really are shiny...ok Brownie, you’re up!" she said as she sent her out.

    "<Let's do this!>" Brownie cried out though it sounded like merely Starly chirps to Liz.

    "Use Wing Attack!" Liz called as Brownie comes in nailing Snivy.

    Snivy gets up and to their surprise, retaliates with magical leaf which is an egg move and can't be dodged. Liz realizes that her father must've known the move and passed it to her as she has studied how pokemon breeding works. Now she's happy to know she didn't choose Snivy because there was another special out like this out there. Brownie gets hit but only takes small damage. Snivy now comes in for a tackle.

    "Quick Attack Brownie, let's go!", Liz calls as Brownie complies and nails Snivy before tackle can hit and knocks her back into a tree.

    As Snivy struggles to stand up, Liz readies a ball and vows that she'll catch this one this time. Snivy falls over from her injuries because the wing attack took a heavy toll and Liz tosses the ball her way. The ball hits and sucks her inside. Then it hits the ground and...1...2...3.........ding! Liz smiles and runs to pick the ball up and holds it up happily. As she and her pokemon celebrate their new friend, they run back to the center so they can get healed and ready for the gym.

    Back in the Twilight Region, the 3 on 1 battle was becoming no easy task. It was as if every attack thrown at Missingno wasn't doing much at all and Missingno used attacks like sky attack over and over. Then it suddenly charged a strange energy...and this attack seemed to distort everything around it, entrapping the 4 in a strange distorted area in which there was no escape...the attack of...super glitch.
     
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2012
  7. Dilasc

    Dilasc Boip!

    No no no no no! I thought you read the rules and advice like I recommended!

    While I'm glad your smilie emotcon addiction is under wraps. All chapters of a story go into one thread.
     
  8. Psychic

    Psychic Really and truly Staff Member Moderator

    It is seriously time for you to start reading the rules. As Negrek said, all chapters of one fic should be in a single thread. I have merged them for you.

    If this kind of rule-breaking continues, you may end up getting infractions, so I'd recommend reading the Fan Fiction Rules thoroughly. Having Autism is not an excuse.

    ~Psychic
     
  9. Liz Azzimagica

    Liz Azzimagica Angelic Trainer

    hold on...I did and read "1 chapter per post" so I assumed if you that's exactly what you ment
     
  10. Psychic

    Psychic Really and truly Staff Member Moderator

    Yes, one chapter per post. It also says all chapters remain in one thread.

    Posts are the individual messages we submit by clicking "Post Reply."
    Threads are what posts go in. We create them by clicking "Create Thread."
    We are currently posting posts in a thread called "Missingno the infection." Before, you posted in a thread called "The Fan Fiction Rules."

    Does that clear things up?
    ~Psychic
     
  11. Liz Azzimagica

    Liz Azzimagica Angelic Trainer

    Yeah it does...sorry....I just hate being judged and rubbed the wrong way...can you please edit the last part of my title to remind me? take out the chapter 1 and prolog part? ad just to clairify, you guys don't hate me right?
     
  12. Liz Azzimagica

    Liz Azzimagica Angelic Trainer

    Chapter 3:
    The Infection Spreads

    As the Super Glitch attack continued to rage, it was clearly distorting space all around Togekiss, Zist and Mew much like a Palkia would. Though this was different because it was making the three feel...sick, but an odd kind of sick. Mew, who was struggling to escape the attack, suddenly surrounded herself in a pink bubble using protect and tried to get the other two in but it was too late. Using protect like she did got her thrown out of the attack. When she saw it from the outside, it was like a huge black and white mixed box that you could barely see inside of.

    On the inside of this "box", Togekiss and Zist we're getting the attack's full blown effect. First, they glowed white gaining what the felt was a power up but them it turned to purple making them feel poisoned and ill. Then it turned red like a burn was draining them and finally it went multicolored KOing both of them but it did more than that...much more. The multicolor was turning to black and white now as and it lifted off of them and got absorbed into Missingno. It appeared to carry a strange blue aura with it that seemed to cry out as it was being absorbed.

    W-what was...what was that?! Mew thought as she looked on puzzled and scared.

    Suddenly Togekiss and Zist opened their eyes but...they we're blank and empty of light. They looked to Missingno and appeared to kneel before him. This puzzled Mew even further because she knew where their loyalties lied and it wasn't with Missingno.

    Mew looked at Missingno upset by this, "What have you done?!" she demanded.

    "THE SAME THING I SHALL DO TO ANYONE THAT DOESN'T STAND WITH ME..." he then suddenly changes into a shadow version of Zist and the Togekiss to make a point.

    Mew is stunned, "H-How did you do that?!"

    "MY ATTACK...ALLOWS ME TO ABSORB THE SOULS OF THOSE THAT CAN'T ESCAPE ITS GRIP! BUT ONLY A SPECIAL PART OF THEIR SOUL..."

    "S-Special Part...?"

    "YES...IT DRAINS THE PART OF SOUL CONNECTED TO THEIR EMOTIONS...I ABSORB THEM AND THEN THE OWNER OF THAT SOUL SERVES ME THEREAFTER..."

    Mew was stunned hearing this and knowing she helped to create this thing. She had to get away from him before he did the same thing to her. Before she became an emotionless servant like her friends.

    Missingno finished by saying, "WHEN I ABSORB THAT PART, I CAN TAKE ON THEIR FORM AND ABILITIES...NOW...RISE MY SERVANTS AND BRING HER TO ME!"

    Zist and Togekiss get up and respond with "Yes Master Missingno..." and they both go after her.

    Mew sees them coming and fires two aura spheres to hold them back. As they can't miss, it pushes the two back and Mew escapes by teleporting and ends up in the nearby city of Eclipse.

    "THIS ONE LIKES TO GIVE THE CHASE..." Missingno said seeming rather calm.

    Zist looked back Missingno and said, "Shall we give the chase Master?"

    "NO...SHE'LL COME BACK TO US EVENTUALLY...HEHE...FOR NOW, LET'S BRING MORE TO...US." Missingno replied.

    "Fine then Master..." Zist replies

    Back in the city, Mew sighed in a bit of relief she wasn't given the chase like she feared.

    That was close...Mew thought then said, "I must get to the Rainbow Region and warn my sister..." and she started searching the city for any way she could get there.

    Back in Amber Town, Liz finished preparing for her first gym battle and walked in the building. Inside it was a rocky terrain built for rock types on the gym floor. Branko, a tall man with a slightly warm smile, fair skin, green eyes, short black hair and wore the color orange color shirt and dark blue pants walked out and greeted her.

    "Welcome Challenger, name's Branko, rock type expert in the Rainbow Region, and you are?"

    "I'm Liz Azzimagica of Ruby Town, and I'm ready to take you on" she declared.

    "Well aren't you a confident one...alright then, time to Rock and Roll! How does 3 on 3 sound to you?" Branko asked

    Liz nodded in response, "Fine by me"

    "Ok then, You’re allowed to substitute and I'm not. Now then...let's Rock and Roll!" he called as he sent out his Shiny Cranidos.

    Wow...even the gym leaders have shinnies in the rainbow region...no wonder it's called "The land of the shiny Pokemon"... Liz though as she looked to Crystal.

    Crystal nodded and jumped off her shoulder as a referee called for it to begin.

    "Cranidos, start with Focus Energy then use Headbutt!" Branko called as Cranidos glowed pumping itself up.

    "Crystal, quick, Volt Tackle let's go!" Liz called out.

    Crystal followed her order and the 2 collided head-on though Volt Tackle did a lot more damage than Headbutt. Liz smiled at this and called for a Thundershock this time while Branko called for pursuit causing both attacks to cross and hit knocking both pokemon back.

    "You ok Crystal?" Liz asked. Crystal got back up and nodded as Branko called for a Rock Tomb.

    "Dodge it! and Volt Tackle one more time!"

    "<You got it!>" Crystal called as it started to come around her and she jumped just in time before it closed on her tail. Then she comes back down nailing and KOing Cranidos.

    Branko recalls him as Crystal is declared the winner and smiles, "Nice Job, you got a pretty special Pikachu there being born with volt tackle...let's see how you handle my next pokemon. Onix, let's rock and roll!" he called as he sent his also shiny Onix into play.

    Crystal got a little nervous as Onix roared but Liz called her back knowing her attacks won't do any good. Crystal was a bit relieved and ran back to her. Liz smiled and sent her Snivy who was pretty confident though she was staring down a larger opponent.

    "So Snivy is your next choice eh? Smart move on your part." Branko commended then said, "However, if you look at it this way...it's the battle of the Snakes now...a rock snake verses the grass snake."

    Liz never thought about but what he said was true. She never really liked snakes though...poisonous ones mostly. Though Snivy was different...they don't look like the type that would want to kill you by biting you like most snakes. In fact, they has a sort of cuteness to them and a charisma on the outside. Though on the inside, they truly care for their trainers, at least that's the impression you get with this Snivy. The 2 snakes stared each other down as they waited to begin.

    Meanwhile back in Eclipse City of the Twilight Region, the "Eeveevolution" Gym Leader, aka, Taylor Swift, was packing to head to the Rainbow Region. She was packing things into a plane because she had a string of shows to do out there. This was a stroke of luck for Mew who was watching her pack so she teleports herself onto the plane as she finishes packing it. Taylor gets in and the pilot takes off to the rainbow region with Mew on board.
     
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2012
  13. The Great Butler

    The Great Butler Hush, keep it down

    Because of how eager you seem to be, I think you deserve to have someone look at what you've written.

    Okay, the first thing I have to tell you is that it is generally frowned upon for Shiny Pokemon to be as common as you're describing them. However, if used properly, this concept - all the Pokemon in the region being Shiny - could lead to some good storylines. For example, why are they all Shiny? Was there a natural event that caused this? Did it happen because of a manmade phenomenon?

    One thing you'll need to do no matter what, though, is clearly say just what a "Shiny Pokemon" is. It is not always a good idea to assume that every reader knows every term relating to the universe you're writing in, so simply saying "the Pokemon there are all Shiny" may be lost on some people as they may not know that Shiny means colored differently.

    Don't get discouraged, this backstory is actually pretty good! All you need to do with it is some more planning to smooth out the details. Right now we have a chain of events that, while interesting on the surface, is a bit more of a dump of information than anything. A better way to convey this very same information is to depict it in actual scenes instead of having the narrator simply tell the reader. Try showing us Reshiram and Zekrom fighting, the merging of the two realms and the creation of the Orb. Not only will this make the information more appealing to read, it can give additional context to the events.

    I notice that you are inconsistently capitalizing names of Pokemon. There are good arguments for both capitalizing and not capitalizing, but I don't believe I've seen more than one person who (successfully) uses both within their story. I would encourage you to decide whether to capitalize the names (including Missingno) or not, and stick to it.

    Okay, unfortunately, now is where we're beginning to have problems.

    Her name is the same as your username. Okay, I can ordinarily overlook that. By itself it's not so bad. Where we begin having problems is when you start telling us that she has angel wings and is such a faithful, upbeat friend that anyone would hope to know her. These things are establishing her as someone who is far too perfect to be a character readers can identify with, and to be honest, there is no appeal to characters who are just the embodiment of perfection. She doesn't appear to have any character flaws, and the plot presents her with an easy pass through a potential trial by conveniently offering her a choice from all the regions' starters. That's to say nothing of the angel wings, which do not appear to be present for any particular reason besides giving her a "unique" trait.

    I don't understand what "Pikachu is the only one that evolves on a total voluntary basis" means. Could you please explain?

    There's no need for me to address the emoticons because that subject has already been dealt with by others.

    Generally, numbers should be written out; ie "sixteen" instead of "16."

    If you're going to describe characters all at once, at least try not to make it sound like you're just rattling off a list of traits every time. Try to mix in some action with the description of their traits, such as "Seline was brushing her long black hair" for example.

    Writing character lines in chat style is acceptable when it fits their personality, but it's my opinion that informal language like "gonna" should not be used in narrative outside of quotes.

    Crystal instantly taking to liking Liz is another example of something she appears to be getting with no struggle, thus contributing to her overall air of being perfect.

    Also, this part is far too rushed. There's enough that happens here that with proper fleshing out, it could cover several pages on its own.

    On to Chapter 2...

    This is a lot to skip over with just a timeskip and two lines talking about it. Timeskipping a few days is itself not the problem, it's not telling us more in detail what went on in those two days that makes it overwhelming.

    I like that she's not nicknaming every single Pokemon she comes across. What I don't like is that she got two more special Pokemon, though it's difficult to tell if being female is what's unusual or if being Shiny is what's unusual. Either way, three days into her journey she has three Shiny Pokemon, which is a little unsettling.

    Okay, this is a shining example of what I'm saying about her perfection. She just happens to have the skills to have an ideal relationship with her Pikachu, which is one thing, but said Pikachu was born with a rare Egg Move, which is unfortunately a striking example of her being handed things easily. This is not a good sign.

    Even if she's only communicating with Crystal on a basic level and doesn't understand her words, the fact that she can communicate on even a rudimentary level with Pokemon this soon is a bit unbelievable, not to mention it's yet another "unique" trait of hers that makes her even more perfect.

    I think you meant "keeping Liz from receiving peaceful rest," because this line seems to say the nightmare kept her from getting any rest that wasn't peaceful.

    It would help if your transitions from one setting to another were a bit more clear. It was very sudden that this jump to the Twilight Region happened.

    I question how Missingno was just able to escape from the Orb at this point in time, but I'm excited for this. Obviously it means something is happening.

    How does Mew going from having no clue to who or what Missingno is to correctly guessing that its own actions gave Missingno life?

    It's very hard to keep up with what is going on here, because you don't really describe what the "shadow Ghost" form is, then you rattle off a series of attacks with only their names. Then the Togekiss and Zoroark come in, and nothing much about them gets described except for an info dump about what the two of them do.

    This section is structurally weak for those reasons.

    "A" Missingno? Does that mean there are more?

    That could be a good plot twist if it was the case.

    Another awkward scene transition and another rare occurrence happening for Liz. That's the biggest problem so far: Liz is so unbelievably perfect and lucky that the story is less a story and more a series of circumstances revolving around her.

    ...and again, Liz has found yet another unusual Pokemon, not to mention she's studied how breeding works, even though it doesn't have any context making it sensible like her studying Pikachu did.

    Does she have any character flaws at all?

    I literally can't picture what's going on here because there is no description. What is "small damage?" What kind of movement is Snivy making?

    Again, what is going on here? What does a "Sky Attack" look like? And even worse, not everyone is familiar with glitches, so what is a "Super Glitch?"

    I give you credit for trying with the glitch stuff, I really do. But the lack of any description is literally ruining it.

    Chapter 3:

    Whoa, now Palkia is involved? This is why the lack of description is such a major issue - you're assuming every reader is looking at it exactly the same way you are and therefore understands everything you're saying, which is a grave mistake. This metaphor is almost too confusing for me with such little explanation.

    I sincerely hope this "sister" is not in fact Liz.

    What did she do to prepare?

    Writing "KO" instead of "knockout" isn't a good idea.

    Okay, I'm sorry, but I totally lost it here. Inserting real-life celebrities into the story as themselves is just too much; the story now firmly reads without a doubt as wish fulfillment in which you're simply throwing in things you like so they'll revolve around a main character who I have to assume is a self-insert. I know what making these mistakes is like... I made them all myself once.

    I'm sorry I had to be so harsh on you. Please don't take it the wrong way. But, I feel I did what I had to do to help put you on the right track.
     
  14. Liz Azzimagica

    Liz Azzimagica Angelic Trainer

    I still got alot of chapters, planning 20, didn't want to reveal too much too soon as far as the storyline goes, in fact, the shiny factor gonna be explained is in the next chapter. And the idea about about Liz is she seems perfect, at first, but she will have human flaws, right now she's masking the fact about the horrible recurring nightmares are happening except to those that know her. I'll also soon reaveal that she had a tradigy in her past, a major one that she's also masking with her innocence. As for the whole "voluntary basis" evloution thing...it basicly ment the thunderstone, her pikachu can choose weather she wants to evolue or not, thus, "voluntary basis". and the rainbow reagion itself, I based off my favorite Yu-Gi-Oh arcitype called the Crystal Beasts, thus the names so far: "Crystal" Forest, "Ruby" Town, "Amber" Town. Now for Mew's sister, I will reveal it is a Shiny Mew living somewhere in the Rainbow Region and Palkia is no more then a comparision to the fact Missingno's attack distorts space since Palkia is the enbodiment of space itself. O and 1 other thing, I'm bringing my hero Tay into the fic because I just felt she's a big part of my life and I normally compare my character to me slightly (except for the weight loss I went through but let's not go there)...
     
    Last edited: Nov 29, 2012
  15. Steampunk

    Steampunk One Truth Prevails

    Hokay lets start.
    I liked it overall but there were a few things that I thought were kinnda unnececary.
    1. Taylor swift. I.don't think its a bad as the other guy made it sound but I'm not a fan of her so whatever.
    2. A few spelling errors, easilly fixed.
    3. No emoticons, u got a lot better about it and honestly it looks a lot better.

    But other than that I love the concept and would love to see more.
     
    Last edited: Nov 30, 2012
  16. Liz Azzimagica

    Liz Azzimagica Angelic Trainer

    thanks and this is a perfect way to practice for a real story I'm working on, in fact, Ansem, I'll be happy to show you chapters of another story I'm working on. anyway, I'll probally have 4 of this story up in a few days and I'll try to improve my style as I press forward
     
  17. Akwakwak

    Akwakwak Chu Chu Yeah!

    I agree with Ansem, the concept has a lot of potential.
     
  18. Liz Azzimagica

    Liz Azzimagica Angelic Trainer

    thank you both, I needed this positivity after a shacky start, but it will become a stronger and stronger story, I promise, and I know not everybody is like exactly what I do or how I try to present it, but, I'm not gonna give up. Maybe I am too innocent of a person to most but it's worked for me for 23 years
     
  19. Liz Azzimagica

    Liz Azzimagica Angelic Trainer

    Chapter 4:
    The Mysterious N

    Back in the gym, the battle of the snakes was called to begin. Branko called for Onix to use Bind and Liz called Snivy to use vine whip to block his tail. The giant green rock snake came at the tiny grass snake with his tail and Snivy countered by extending her vines from the back and pushed back on his tail. They both continued to push back and forth on each other until they both let up. Then Branko called on Onix to use tackle but as the giant rock snake came at full force, Liz was finally ready to use her secret weapon.

    "Ok Snivy, Magical Leaf, let's go!" Liz called.

    Snivy complied nailing with a rainbow of color changing leaves. Since it cannot miss it stopped Tackle in its tracks and it also does major damage since Onix has a double weakness to a grass move like that. Branko calls for another Bind as Liz calls for a vine whip. The two moves push on each other again but this time, Onix pushes Snivy's attack back and binds Snivy with his tail. She tries to struggle her way out but can't seem to.

    "Ugh, Snivy..." Liz said worried, "Snivy come on, you got to concentrate and use Magical Leaf!"

    Snivy continued to struggle with her eyes closed from the pain. Upon hearing Liz's voice though, she opens her eyes and focuses her energy. She then glows firing the rainbow leaves and it nails Onix hard knocking him out. She then summersaults to the ground as Onix let her go and came down with a big thud. Branko, seeing this, is impressed and recalls his Onix to his Pokeball with a red glow that turns Onix red sucking him safely back inside.

    "Now that was impressive...keeping cool under pressure like that...if you can do that, you can beat anything." Branko said to her.

    This made Liz smile hearing it from a Gym Leader and on her very first try also. All she could manage was a simple "Thank You" at him. Branko nodded and readied his last ball.

    "I hope you’re ready for my last pokemon...he's my most powerful and most trusted partner." Branko said holding the ball in his hand.

    Liz nodded back at him, "We're ready, bring it on!" she said and Snivy nodded as well, ready for anything.

    "The time to rock and roll one more time than! Nosepass, let's go!" Branko called as he threw the ball.

    Nosepass, a strange alien-like rock golden rock since it was a shiny, with what appeared to be a giant red or pinkish nose, seemed to have his eyes closed and he seemed to hold his head as well, came out in a white flash of light. Snivy looked at it and still seemed rearing to go. Liz nodded at her eagerness and wanted to stick with her and then the Referee called to begin.

    "Ok Snivy, let's go for it. Magical Leaf!" Liz called as Snivy nodded and fired the rainbow of leaves that simply couldn’t miss.

    "Counter with Rock Throw!" Branko called as rocks appeared out of nowhere and we're tossed at Snivy. The 2 moves crossed and hit with Magical Leaf hitting harder due to rock being weak to grass.

    Snivy struggled up but wasn't gonna give in one bit. She was panting a bit but wasn't an easy Pokemon to break.

    "Snivy, you ok to go on?" Liz asked concerned.

    Snivy nodded at Liz and said, "<U-Ugh...yeah...I will be...I'm not giving up...>”

    Liz seemed to get it seeing her nodding, "Alright then...I'm counting on you! Magical Leaf again!" Snivy glows and through more colorful leaves Nosepass's way.

    Branko knew it couldn't be dodged so he had to try and get a move in.

    "Rock Tomb Nosepass!" he called and as the leaves hit, some rocks sprouted around Snivy trying to entrap her within.

    Nosepass barely hung on from the leaf attack as the rocks started to put the squeeze on Snivy. Snivy tries to struggle out but cannot move.

    "Ugh, Snivy, come on, get out of there!" Liz called, "Come on, you got to!"

    "Finish Snivy off and use Rock throw!" Branko called as Nosepass had rocks appear above him.

    As the battle was raging, a person was watching from the stands in the gym. He was in the shadows so he couldn't be made out at the moment but for one reason or another, he wanted to watch. He seemed intrigued by Liz herself and the battle at hand. He also seemed to be wondering what she will do with her Snivy in peril like she was. But wait, he wasn't alone, someone or something was with him. Liz didn't seem to notice ether one of them though as she was focused at the battle on hand.

    As Nosepass fired the rocks, Liz knew this was sink or swim time for Snivy. After thinking about it, it would be a long shot but it could work, she was gonna try and fire one more Magical Leaf since Rock Tomb would prevent Snivy being recalled to her ball. She clinched her fist and was ready for calling it.

    "Alright Snivy, I'm counting on you! Magical Leaf one last time!"

    Snivy opened her eyes again and fired the rainbow leaves that simply can’t miss even though she was trapped. As both moves hit the other pokemon at the same time, both pokemon get Knocked Out. Liz is still declared the winner even though it's a draw because she still had 2 more pokemon to use and still defeated all 3 of his. Liz then walks over and picks up Snivy thanking her and the small darker green grass snake gives her a small thumbs up. She then nodded at her and returns her to her ball so she can rest. Branko then walks over after recalling his Nosepass.

    "Well, that was impressive...an amazing gym battle...you should be proud of your pokemon.", he said with a smile.

    Liz nodded and said, "Thank you, and yes, I am very proud of them."

    "Well then, here is proof of your victory.", He said pulling out a orange and round badge that looked like an Amber replica, "This is the Amber Badge, your first of eight in this region, and this is yours to." he said pulling out a disk, "This is the TM for my signature move, Rock Tomb. Use it well."

    Liz nodded and put the badge in her case that was in her blue backpack and put the TM away as well. The mysterious guy was still watching in the stands and thought that Liz seemed to handle herself well enough. Though he wanted to give her time to heal her pokemon before approaching her. Liz still didn't notice him walking out and bidding Branko goodbye though, she couldn't shake the feeling throughout the battle someone was watching her. As she walked out, Branko seemed to notice her wings for the first time but because Liz was walking out, he didn't want to bother her with questions.

    The mysterious guy seemed to notice the wings as well, which is part of the reason why he followed her in to watch the match. The other part was the fact her Pikachu, being Crystal of course, was out of its ball, yet she stayed with her. This perplexed and intrigued him because most trainers he meets have all their pokemon inside the pokeballs. Very rarely does he see one staying out, other than a couple of his own. Though his reason was that he had a very different view on Pokeballs then most others.

    As Liz walked out, he followed her out and headed out for Crystal Forest. As he followed her to the center first, he asked his partner to lead her into the forest and to the lake after she had her pokemon healed. His partner nodded and hid in a bush outside the center which was a white building with a giant "P" on the side of the building. A quick blue flash seemed to come out the bush as the young man headed to the forest. His partner waited as Liz walked into the center and had her pokemon healed by the nurse's machine. The machine itself is a flat panel attached into a wall behind a counter and can heal up to six Pokemon inside of their balls. It is quite a handy thing for any trainer on the go and is available in every Pokemon Center. After Liz's pokemon get healed, she lets Crystal back out and walks back outside.

    As they walked out, the young man's partner walked out and appeared to be a male Pikachu but...was it really what it appeared to be? Also it was a normal looking Pikachu and not a shiny while made Liz wonder if it belonged to someone in another region. As she went to approach it, the Pikachu started to run toward the forest.

    "Wait, where are you going?! I'm not going to hurt you!" Liz said as she began chasing him.

    The Pikachu ran into the forest and looked back to ensure Liz was following him. The crystal forest looked like a standard forest, full of pine trees and all that, but it gets its name from the Shiny Suicune that lives in the lake, one of the three Legendary Dog Pokemon. Not to mention the ground seems to sparkle where the sunlight cuts through the trees. Liz continued to chase the Pikachu until they came upon a lake in the center of the forest. This lake was known as the Crystal Lake and she looked on and couldn't help but notice its astounding beauty. The water was so clear and so clean it was almost like crystal itself.

    Though she wondered why the Pikachu brought her here...was it to simply show her this place? No, there must be something more to it than that. Well she got her answer when she heard someone calling "Thank you for leading her here Zoroark."

    A Zoroark...? she thought and to her surprise, the Pikachu broke the illusion by glowing blue again and turning into the black monster fox with red mane, red claws on his hands and feet, blue eyes, what appeared to be red around his mouth and the red and black mane done in a ponytail fashion.

    This caught Liz completely off guard as even when the illusion broke, he wasn't shiny still because the shiny version would be black and blue. She was convinced now whoever it belonged to was from a different region. Suddenly she heard footsteps from behind and wondered if that was his trainer. She didn't turn around just yet to see who it was but he decided to speak up anyway.

    "I'm sorry if my Zoroark scared you any..." he started, "I saw your gym battle and wanted to talk to you but I felt we should just...talk here"

    Liz turned to get a good look at him as was shocked by what she saw. "You look...familiar somehow..." She said cautiously.

    As he stepped out in full light, it suddenly dawned on her. The black and white baseball cap, Green hair done in a ponytail form, green eyes, fair skin and the strange, yet, innocent smile. He wore black shirt covered in a white shirt that had a cuff and a V-Neck pattern, tan pants, a necklace with an odd round charm that was blue and gold and a rubix-like cube on the waste on a chain on his left. He also wore green shoes and a black and white round bracelet on his right wrist and three gold square bracelets on his left wrist...there was no mistaking him. The former leader of Team Plasma in Unova...N.

    "Now I know who you are...you’re...your N right?" she asked a little unnerved.

    "It seems my reputation precedes me..." N answered acknowledging she was correct, "But how did you know who I was?"

    "Well...I...I read about you online...that how a year ago Team Plasma was defeated and disbanded...how you befriended a legendary dragon...and how your step father turned out to be the true leader..." She answered as calmly as she could.

    N nodded, "All true...and online eh? I guess there's no information that can be kept from the world anymore..." he said

    "Yeah, I suppose your right....though wait...you said you wanted to talk to me? Um...ok...though before we do...what are you doing out here in Rainbow Region?" She asked curious.

    "Well...truth is I was born here and I wanted to explore the region...and yes...I wanted to talk to you...there are certain things about you that...intrigue me." N answered her in a cool and calm matter.

    Liz was surprised to hear this coming from him. Though she wasn't sure if what surprised her more, the fact that she intrigued him...or the fact he was born in the Rainbow Region. Either way, she wanted to know more and felt like maybe she had more questions for him then he did for her. Still, she wasn't sure if she fully trusted him or not. Though she didn't really see him as a true and wicket villain. No, N was more a manipulated anti-hero by his step farther and seemed to be on a journey to find his real truth now. Still, she couldn't help but wonder...what was it about her that intrigued him? She had to know for herself.

    "How exactly do I intrigue you?" she asked.

    "Well...your wings for one...they remind me of the Majestic White Dragon Reshiram...my partner and friend..." N said looking at her, "Another is your Pikachu there...."

    "<Who me?>" Crystal asked.

    N nodded and said, "Yes...how she stays out of her ball and yet stays with you even though she's free to leave you anytime like that...yet she stays..."

    "O that's right...you wanted Pokemon liberation...O that reminds me...I heard a rumor you can actually talk to and understand pokemon...is that...true?" Liz asked

    "It is true and I'll prove it to you..." N said as he looked to Crystal, "Pikachu, tell me...what is this trainer like? Who is she and why does she mean so much to you that you stick with her?"

    Crystal response a little unsure saying, "<Well...first her name is Liz Azzimagica...she lives in Ruby Town...and she's a truly kind person...she makes me feel like I can trust her with my life though she's masking the fact she has terrible nightmares that she hates talking about...she also told me that she's really a half angel...>"

    "I see..." he responded looking at Liz now. "So your name is Liz then and you lived in ruby town...and she said she feels like she'd trust you with her life...that your truly kind but your masking your true emotions by not talking about terrible nightmares you have..."

    Liz was truly astounded hearing that when she didn't say a word and let Crystal do all the talking. She was convinced now that he truly can understand them but still didn't understand how he did.

    "That's...all true...it's...all completely true..." Liz got out still a bit stunned.

    "She also said you’re really a half angel...that is quite intriguing also...you’re the first I ever heard of..." N said.

    "Well..." Liz started, "Both my parents we're too but..." she trailed off, remembering the tragedy when she was younger.

    N suddenly noticed her sudden trail off of her words and asked what was wrong. Liz explained that when she was only five years old, she came home to her house blazing in fire. Both her parents we're trapped inside and the fire was so hot, the firefighters couldn't get ether one of her parents out. So in short, the fire took their lives. The firefighters suspected foul play because her parents had a lot of people that hated them because of them being half angels and how well off they we're owning the chain of Pokemarts in Hoenn. After they got killed she then had to move to the Rainbow Region with her Aunt Gracie and her Uncle Max where she would live for the next 11 years.

    This was for her protection until they found the person responsible. They finally captured him 10 years later which is why Liz is finally able to start her journey with her friends at age 16. Liz was in tears as she told N her account of her past and he was surprised to hear what he was hearing. To him, Liz seemed like a truly strong person but she really was masking her true emotions. Was she hiding them so she wouldn't hurt her friends? And what of those nightmares she had?

    It took him a few minutes to process it all as Liz continued to shed the tears. Crystal crawled into her lap to hug her trying to give her a little comfort. Then finally N put a hand on her shoulder and spoke up surprising her a little.

    "I know how cruel humans can be..." N started, "They can be cruel to Pokemon and humans alike...when my step father found me...he raised me alongside Pokemon that have been treated cruelly by their trainers...which is why I am surprised when I meet a nice trainer...one like yourself...or like the trainer I faced in Unova..."

    Liz was surprised that his words seemed unusually comforting. In his own way, he understood her pain. Though she now wondered about him. He said he was born in the Rainbow Region...and she knew Unova was only a boat ride away from Ruby Town...but how did he end up there? She took a deep breath to ask him.

    "Thanks N...for listening at least...though I got to ask...if you we're born in the region...how did you...?"

    "End up in Unova? Well...when I was about 3 or 4...I was in the Gem Meadows which is just beyond here. I lived in a orphanage because my mother couldn't take care of me...she was a single mom if I recall right...and very sick...so the Gem Meadows is the place I always went to because it wasn't far from the orphanage. That one day, the Raikou and Shaymin that lived there approached me...they saw the pureness in my heart and wanted me to have a gift..."

    "A gift...?" Liz asked, "What kind of gift?"

    "The exact one I showed you...the ability to understand pokemon perfectly...and how I got such a gift came from the legendary Rainbow Fruit..."

    Liz looked at him shocked, "The...The Rainbow Fruit...? You mean, the legendary fruit that is said to have made every pokemon in the region shiny and all but one tree disappeared...?"

    Liz knew about this because she studied the legends of the Rainbow Region. Though it was unclear what it did for people that ate it...until today that is.

    "Awe you know about the legend then...yes, the same fruit..." N said then looked away gazing at the lake then continued, "After I got it...all the kids in the orphanage we're taken on a trip to Unova. We exploded a forest near the Pokemon League where I got lost. However, nobody ever came back for me....and I was getting hungry so I ate the fruit. I'll never forget its sweet taste and after I finished, I found myself surrounded in a strange energy. After that I passed out and when I came to, I heard voices. But they weren't human..."

    "Wow...that's...that's incredible..."

    "Indeed it was...there was a Zorua standing over me and asking if I was alright. I soon befriended him and it wasn't long after that Ghetsis, my step-father, found me, discovered my ability and used it to his advantage." N said as he continued to gaze into the lake.

    Liz looked back at his Zoroark and said, "I'll bet that Zoroark is the same one isn't it?"

    Zoroark just gave her a simple nod admitting it was true. Liz was truly amazed at his account and what the Rainbow Fruit truly can do. She had always desired to have an ability to talk to Pokemon like you could with a normal person but could only feel their emotions. Though she didn't think the legends in the Gem Meadows would deem her worthy because she wasn't that strong a trainer yet. On top of that, she still had some emotional set-backs that needed working on like how she masked her sad emotions.

    In spite of this, N surprised her by asking her to accompany him to the Gem Meadows. Liz got a bit confused by this sudden request from the former Plasma Leader.

    "Wait, you want me to come with you...?" Liz asked

    "Yes, please do...I want to go back but I want to show you the tree that bares the fruit."

    "Well...wait...let me ask you something first..." she started hoping this won't backfire on her.

    "What is it?"

    "Well...you said you wanted to explore the region...and I'm on a journey to do the same. So...how about this? You want to...travel with me?" Liz asked.

    N pondered on this for a second. If he we're to travel with her, he'd surely see more and possibly enjoy more than he ever could on his own even with his pokemon by his side. He'd even get the chance to meet other Pokemon he never could've. His mind was then made up.

    "Ok...you got it...but accompany me to the Gem Meadows first..." N said.

    "Ok, it's a deal then" Liz agreed.

    N smiled and called to Reshiram to come to him. Suddenly the air was filled with Reshiram's Cry as the Majestic White Dragon came down to him landing in front of him. This literally took Liz's breath away as she had only read about this Pokemon and never seen one up close. Even though not shiny, she still was beautiful with the blue eyes, the silver rings around her neck and tail and the angelic-like wings that had white claws on each one. She stood tall as Liz watched in admiration.

    N smiled and got on her back and gestured Liz to do the same. Though Liz had her wings, she couldn't fly very well so she took that gesture. Zoroark climbed on behind her and Reshiram took flight and headed for the Gem Meadows.
     
    Last edited: Dec 3, 2012
  20. Steampunk

    Steampunk One Truth Prevails

    Wow.
    I loved it and I'm really starting to love this story. Granted like other people said, you shouldn't make her perfect but you seem to be doing less of that and even when you do do it, it comes off quite nicely.
    there are a few spelling errors but that easily fixed. (One is with zoroarks mane not main)
    but aside from that I love it ^_^
     

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