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Moonshine, Release The Darkness

Do you like my story??


  • Total voters
    2

dolphinxx

Water Trainer
Hi. This is rated M for some violence and moderate coarse language.

This is chapter one. Tell me what you think. Dont be afraid to critisize. Tell me the good stuff and bad.

Chapter 1
The Portal

The storm raged uncontrollably. The lighting flashed a beautiful purple and the thunder roared. Moonshine ran down the ally way and turned left. His pursuer was getting closer and ever more faster. Moonshine sprinted around another corner and slipped on a puddle.
“ Damn, puddle,” He muttered.
He hastily got up and kept running. Washing off of peoples washing lines flew into his face.
“ Who the hell keeps washing on the line in a thunder storm” Moonshine mumbled.
He kept on running down the ever-winding alleyway. His pursuer was only a street away and Moonshine ran faster than ever before. Moonshine stumbled and almost tripped, but sighted the dock at the end of the alleyway and regained balance. Moonshine switched his pocket watch on a yelled into it trying to compete with the noise of the thunder.
“ AQUA. GET READY,” he screamed.
Moonshine could hear the running footsteps behind him. He accelerated and ran onto the dock. The dock was old and not very stable so Moonshine hurried. He was almost at the end when a bolt of lightning hit the dock and almost fried Moonshine. He was thrown into the air and knocked unconscious by a nearby pole. The pursuer was now standing next to Moonshine. “Well, well. What do we have here?” said the pursuer with a very low voice. He opened his Hessian bag and pushed Moonshine into it. He was just about to keep going when the water rippled. It started to move more until the water exploded and something black flew into the sky. The water fell back down to the ocean but the black creature just hovered in mid-air. The black figure stretched out his wings and aimed at the pursuer. The black thing, whatever it may be, was approaching fast.
“ HOLY CRAP” screamed the pursuer.
The black thing was speeding down at 200 kilometers an hour at the pursuer. The pursuer was about 5 meters away from certain doom when the black thing stopped. The black thing was a dragon. The pursuer could see the whole creature thanks to a nearby lamppost. It was fully blue with shiny blue skin on its wings. It had an electric collar attached to its neck. Suddenly the Hessian bag moved. “Rea…lease ….th…e d….ark...n…e…. ss” said a muffled voice from inside the bag. Suddenly the bag floated into the sky. It was glowing a sinister black. RIIIIIIIIP. The bag split apart and Moonshine came falling down. The dragon gave a little roar before flying vertically up into Moonshine. At the last second the dragon stopped in mid-air and Moonshine landed on the dragon. “ Good job Aqua. Lets finish him.” Said Moonshine evilly. The pursuer wasn’t prepared for what happened next. Aqua, as Moonshine calls him, didn’t breath fire. He breathed more than fire. Aqua breathed electricity. The bolts hit the pursuer and coursed through his brain. He was sent flying into the air and landed with a shuddering THUMP on the cold stone ground. The rain poured down hard and it was a sickening site to see, but it didn’t bother Moonshine. “ I don’t think he survived that. Good work Aqua. Lets go.” He said with pleasure. Moonshine was 15 years old. He wasn’t…. shall we say normal. His iris was fully red and the pupil was massive. He didn’t have the white of his eyes. He wore a dark cloak that had a hood on it and went down all the way to his feet. He lived in the middle of the ocean in a castle. The castle was built upon a massive collection of sharp rocks and it was always stormy there. Just the way he liked it. He lived with his powerful dragon Aqua. Aqua, as I mentioned before, wore waterproof electric collar. He wasn’t your ordinary dragon. This dragon feeds of water. It can even live under water. Hence the name Aqua. He could also breath fire, water, ice, water and electricity. Moonshine also lived with a very spoilt cat named Kitty. Princess Kitty as Moonshine calls her. As Moonshine and Aqua sped away into the distance all evil was breaking loose. The zombies coming up from the graveyards, vampires silently terrorizing the city. Evil monsters pouring out of nowhere. But, little did everybody know, the most evil and dangerously sickening monster was right in front of their eyes. In the middle of the ocean. Moonshine.


Aqua veered down into the cold vast ocean. Aqua sped up and zoomed into the secret underwater passage way. Moonshine jumped off Aqua and closed the door. The secret passage way was like a sewer. Minus all the crap. Aqua walked silently along, and Moonshine scaled the walls. Suddenly, there was a crossroad. “ Hang on”. Moonshine pulled the map from his backpack sitting on Aqua. “ Aqua, you have to go straight ahead. I will meet you at the castle trap door.” Whispered Moonshine. Aqua slowly walked on forward. Moonshine looked up. Perfect. A passage way going straight up. Moonshine jumped upwards. He was flying up, up, up. He quickly pulled to the right and stopped on the ledge. The trap door was a ruler length away. He reached out and pulled it open. He slipped through the small hole. SLAM. “ Damn trap door”. Moonshine could sense something else in the massive room. Suddenly a picture slammed down on the floor. “ MOTHER OF EVERYTHING HOLY” Moonshine screamed. He walked slowly over to the picture. It was a picture of Kitty. The picture was intact, but the frame was a bit bent. “ Crap. That’s goanna cost me.” CLANK. Moonshine swerved around towards a door at the front of the castle. The other Trap door was lifting up. Moonshine literally flew over to the door and drew his sword. Suddenly the Trap Door burst open and Aqua zoomed out up to the high roofs f the castle. The dragon, satisfied with his performance, breathed fire, as if laughing at Moonshines face.
“ I’ve got to admit Aqua, you got me on that one. Get down from up there. Let us go and check on Kitty. “ Moonshine levitated straight up into the air and then hovered left. He landed gently on the top step of the winding stairs. He looked down to the floor. “ Are you coming or not Aqua?” Aqua let out a deep breath. “ I’ll take that as a no.” Moonshine flew on to Kitty’s luxurious room. She was sound asleep on the bed, purring like an engine. Moonshine walked slowly over to her. He patted her softly on the head and she didn’t stir. Moonshine crept out quietly the room and then ran and jumped off the stairs. He floated down gently and landed on the cold castle floor. “ Come on Aqua, let’s go to bed.” Everyone that ever met Moonshine knew that he was different. He could hover above ground, or levitate straight up into the air. Also he had amazing skill with a sword. Not the usual quality a child 15 year old would have. He seemed to pulsate with evilness. There was something about Moonshine. Something always bothering him. Nagging his brain continually. Moonshine was evil at heart but didn’t really know which path to follow. A path of evilness and destruction or the path of good? Only time could tell which path he would follow, but when he did choose to take that giant leap into that certain path, it would stick with him forever. No turning back. It would become his destiny.

Moonshine awoke to the blinding light bursting from his window. He levitated into the air and then over to the window. He looked out at the rocks bellow and then into the sky. “ Uh, sunlight. That’s odd.” He said to himself in a deep baritone voice. He walked over to Kitty’s room and she was eating her breakfast. “ Hello Kitty. Nice sleep princess?” “Meoooow” said Kitty as she yawned. Moonshine walked out of the room and jumped off the stairs. He landed and thought to himself quickly about something he forgot. He raced up the stairs and into his bedroom. He picked up his sword with the dragon engraved scabbard. He slipped it into his sword belt. He raced quickly down the stairs and grabbed his underwater talker. He opened the door and shielded his eyes from the sun. He turned on his pocket watch and talked into it: “ Hey Aqua. It’s time for breakfast.” He slipped the underwater talker into his mouth and jumped in the water. He spotted Aqua sleeping in mid water and Moonshine swam over to him. He stroked his wet scaly skin. “Whoa,” said Moonshine as Aqua quickly opened his giant eyes, “That was fast”. Aqua swam forward and did a little circle. He beckoned Moonshine to get on. Moonshine was on and Aqua zoomed off. Aqua sped left, and then swerved right, the loop the loop, and a barrel roll. Then sped off forward and stumbled across a portal. “ What do ya say Aqua?” Aqua nodded his head. Without further hesitation he swam gently into the portal. He landed on the ground softly and looked around. It was eerie and somewhat dull and spooky. The town was dark and it wasn’t underwater. A nearby police officer spotted them and walked over. “ Hey, no trespassers. I’m going to have to take you to the local prison. Anything you say will be held against you in the court of law.”



Thanx Again,

Josh ;053;
 

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
http://serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=20 <- .... go read that it'll help :/

You have gotten better from when I last saw you- but that is only a margin of improvement. It's repeatedly thrown away when you formatted the fic like this, and your attempts at horror/drama/suspense aren't really brought out well in this, if that was what you were going for. This only makes me think of one of those 'SciFi' channel movies and as I said in another thread- never a good sign coming from me.

You also don't seem to know how to use commas, so what paragraphs you do have that aren't monsterously long or just stacked scentences, are basically go/stops. Go a little, then SCREECH- stop. It's a period. It gives me a bad impression that Captain Kirk- aka William Shatner is telling this story.
 

dolphinxx

Water Trainer
OK, Thanx. I'll take it on board. Is there anyother specific advice you have for me cause it would be greatly appeciated. :)

Josh ;053;
 

dolphinxx

Water Trainer
Sorry to double post but here is chapter two:Chapter 2
Breaking Out

Moonshine was abruptly slammed into the jail cell and smacked his head against the wall. “ Ouch, that hurt you s…….” Moonshine quickly reframed from calling him something he would regret in court. The police officer was absolutely butt ugly, he was deranged and his face looked like it was stuck in a blender. He slammed Moonshine’s cell gate shut but Moonshine wasn’t happy. “ Hey Mr. Hot Shot Police Officer, where’s my dragon.” “ Right here.” A chain was slowly pulling in Aqua. The chain was attached to his neck. The cell to the left of Moonshine was extra high and extra wide. It was massive. A massive cell for a massive dragon. Moonshine could talk to Aqua freely. Aqua was led slowly into his dull cell. The gate slammed shut and the Police Officer walked out of the hallway. “ Well, I guess we could be here a hell of a while. Who will feed Kitty?” Wailed Moonshine. Moonshine jumped up onto the bench and looked outside. There were dark heavy clouds on the horizon and they looked like they were headed to this ghastly town. It was night there and there were no stars in the sky. No townsfolk, it looked basically empty. Except for a black cat pacing the towns water fountain. “ Pst” Moonshine whispered, trying to get the cats attention. “ Oi, cat. Over here”. The black cat turned around to face Moonshine. She was beautiful. Moonshine may be evil, but he had a big love for cats. She jumped up onto the ledge and Moonshine pulled her gently inside the cell. He sat there all night patting her, thinking of his beloved Kitty. He would talk to the cat occasionally, but it just wasn’t the same. The next day they were let out of their cell. Moonshine and Aqua were attached by a chain. A very strong one at that. They were hauled out into the main kitchen and were given breakfast. Dead Mice. All the other prisoners were monsters, literally, and they gobbling the mice down by the bowlful. “ Hey Aqua, I’ll think I’’ pass on this one.” Whispered Moonshine. Aqua was unattached from Moonshine and taken outside to eat. H e was too large to fit inside. Moonshine watched Aqua out the window, and was horrified. Aqua sniffed the Mice and nibbled one. He must have thought that they weren’t that bad because he ate a plate full. This just made Moonshine sick in the stomach. He decided to go to the bathroom and shall we say, be sick everywhere. He walked over to the guard on duty. “ Excuse me, may I please go to the bathroom.” “ Try this for an answer, No.” Moonshine walked back to his table and tried not to think of the amount of vomit about to explode from his mouth. He could feel it coming up, and up. Moonshine started to feel dizzy. He fell of his chair and stumbled over to a near by prisoner. Not now, any time but now, Moonshine thought. He couldn’t hold it in much longer. BUEEEEECH. Vomit pourer out everywhere over the monsters table. The next thing he knew, the monsters fist was about to penetrate Moonshines face. SMACK. It was a one hit KO. Moonshine was lying on the floor, in absolute agony.



Moonshine lay in his dark prison cell bed, with a bandage over his face. He was sopping wet. There was rain poring in from the window. “ Someday this has been, Aqua.” “MUUUUH” Aqua replied, in dragon talk. Moonshine spied something on his bed. Ah, the black cat from last night. It was purring and keeping him warm. “ You came back. I’ll think I’ll call you…Cola. You’re such a nice cat. I’ve got a cat at home. Her name is Kitty. She would like you. Man, I’m tired. I’m going to try and get some sleep. Tomorrow, we escape.” Moonshine, Aqua, and the newly found Cola had a big day ahead. It was official. They were going to leave this lame excuse for a world.


The next day they were woken up early and hauled from their cell. Cola scampered out the window in Moonshine’s cell. Aqua was still asleep and the guard didn’t disturb him. Moonshine had a weird feeling he new where he was going. Court. He walked through the town to the court and looked up at the sign. Vampire Court. Crap, Moonshine thought to himself, I’m dealing with a bunch of vampires. Who knows, they probably just want to drain me of my blood, but they aren’t getting any. Moonshine was ready for action, and pulled his sword a quarter out of its scabbard. He was ready, ready to kill. Moonshine was abruptly pulled by the neck inside the court. “Bloody chain”. The judge was an evil looking vampire with razor sharp fangs, and a bloodstain on his chin. He looked as though he had a suck five minutes ago. The jury was a variety of monsters, vampires and ghoulish looking things. Moonshine was dragged to the front of the court and sat down in the front row. “ Hey, this aint fair. I don’t even have a lawyer.” Whispered Moonshine to the Police Officer. “ Oh, you’ll get one alright.” The Vampire Judge banged his mallet down. “ Order, Order in ze court, vill ze accusers lawyer pleaze step up.” A ghost burst out from the back of the court and up to the Judges watching eyes. “ Urm yes, I am Moonshine’s lawyer. This is my side of the story. Moonshine and Aqua came from earth though the portal and had no prior knowledge of our rules and regulations.” “Yez, but zey broke ze first rule of Vampire Town. No Trezpazzers allowed.” “ Yes, but they didn’t know that. We need to post the rules outside the portal.” Cut in the ghost lawyer “ Zen zat vould break ze zecond rule. No leaving Vampire City.” “ Fine then. I give up.” People were quietly whispering to themselves. “Order in ze court. Will the jury please make their vote.” Said the Vampire Judge. The jury talked amongst themselves until a monster from the jury stood up and walked over to the Vampire Judge. The monster whispered in his ear. “ Ze jury find ze defendant, guilty. I hereby zentence Moonshine and Aqua to 2 years of jail and stripped of his evilness” This all came down like a ton of bricks on Moonshine. Everyone stood up and walked out. The Vampire Judge was still sitting in his chair. The Police Officer stood up and pulled Moonshine. Moonshine quickly gave the judge the finger, which was well deserved. Moonshine was yanked harshly out the court and over to the jail. He was slammed into his cell and the gate was shut tightly. “ Well Aqua, we are going to be here a long time. That black cat come around ‘ere today, while I was in that hell-hole?” Aqua shook his head. “ I’m sick and tired of this jail. Even though we have only been here a day and half. Well here’s some news. Nothing can hold Moonshine. We gonna be outta here in 1 day, 2 days tops.” Moonshine had had enough. He drew his sword and slashed the metal bars vigorously. It didn’t do anything. “ Bloody freaking bars. Damn sword. Ugh, get my outta here,” Moonshine wailed in rage, “ Try this on for size, REALEASE THE DARKNESS” he screamed. Moonshine sword was a blur, hacking and slashing the bars. It just wouldn’t work. Moonshine had a quick flashback to court “ Hereby stripped of his evilness”. No wonder, he thought to himself. My sword powers are lost and I’m just not evil. No wonder my evil power outrage attack [Realease the darkness] didn’t work. How am I going to get outta here? It was only lunchtime, so they were bored for the rest of the day.

The next morning the guard didn’t come. Moonshine yawned and felt ALIVE. He hadn’t felt this good in years. Hang on, he thought, I’m good. And I feel great.
“ Heya Aqua. How are you doing buddy.”
Aqua was still sleeping so Moonshine let him be. He started to whistle to himself. Aqua awoke with a start. “Ooops,” Moonshine apologized, “ Must’ a whistled too loudly.” Aqua was sick and tired of his cell. He felt squished so he thought to his dragon self; I wonder if my ranges of breath can penetrate the bars. First he tried Fire, nope that didn’t work. Probably not the best idea to touch them for a while. He just skipped water cause’ he knew it wouldn’t do anything. Ice next. They looked frosty now, but not broken. Last but not least he tried electricity. It only made a few small dents but nothing major. Aqua was sad. He was stuck in a crammed cell and feeling sick. He hadn’t come in contact with water for days now and felt dizzy. He laid back down and shut his eyes. Moonshine yawned again and noticed the pocket watch on his wrist. I wonder if this still works, wondered Moonshine. “Aqua, come in aqua” he whispered softly. Aqua raised his head. “ Yes, it works” Moonshine said triumphantly. Moonshine sat back down on the bench and thought to himself. He was brainstorming ideas for escape. Suddenly it hit him like a tidal wave. “ Aqua, we are leaving the hell hole, Hang on.” Moonshine whistled to Cola. “ I’ve decided to take you home with me. What do ya say?” Cola meowed and licked Moonshine. “ I guess that’s a yes. Aqua, when I talk into my pocket watch you drown this place in water. Then Cola and Me jump on you and fly outta this place like a bullet.” Moonshine turned on his pocket watch and talked into it: “ Ready, Set, Go”. Moonshine talked quickly into his pocket watch while water poured from Aqua. Suddenly the water hit the radio waves and BOOM. The bars went flying as well as lots of debris. Moonshine grabbed Cola and jumped on Aqua. Aqua zoomed out of the jail and through the portal. And that’s the end of that chapter, thought Moonshine.
 
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