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Murder Metagross

Jason goes to hell

nightmare hour
Murder Metagross
By Wesley J. Turner
“Rise and shine Wes time to get your first pokemon from the P.C. Lab” Wes’s mom yelled from downstairs. Wes woke up and ran down the stairs to the kitchen and forgot his breakfast and ran outside. Wes got on his Mach Bike and rode of to the P.C. Lab. When Wes got there he saw a crowd of new pokemon trainers Wes ran in, and the second he got in there he saw a new kid with a weird looking machine on his arm and next to him Wes saw Dr. Marco. “ Thanks dr. Marco I will do what ever I can do to help” Said the new kid “okay you have to catch all legendary pokemon and you’re duty is to catch them all O yes I almost forgot here’s you’re poke’ balls Aridose” said professor Krane. Wes ran up to professor Krane “Why hello there Wes here to get you’re first pokemon because there’s no more left I just gave the last one away” Dr. Marco said sadly. “Are you sure there’s no more of any pokemon?” Wes asked “Well there is 2 but… o never mind here are you’re choices Bellsprout or Celebi but let me warn you Celebi is quite the rascal knowing that do you still want one this year?” asked Dr. Marco “ actually I would like Celebi I think we would make a good couple” said Wes “ okay if that’s what you want then here is you’re poke’ Dex and five poke’ balls and also take this” Dr. Marco handed a machine that looked like the one that the other kid was wearing “put it on you’re arm let’s see how it fits” said Dr. Marco Wes agreed and put it on his arm “ wow it fits perfectly now that it fits you’re job is to catch all legendary pokemon this machine will help you catch pokemon”. Said Dr. Marco “why do you want me to do this when you already have Aridose helping you with this” Wes asked “Well the truth is I really don’t know as much about Aridose as you so I don’t really trust him as much as I trust you” Dr. Marco told Wes about the Legend pokemon. The next day while Wes was walking through the forest he herd a rustle the bushes Wes walked over and out jumped a small Jiggley puff and Wes new at that moment it was hurt so it tried to carry it but it started to cry and out of nowhere came a Metagross and started to charge at Jiggley puff at that moment Wes sent out Celebi and said Celebi Leaf Slice and the Metagross started to wobble and Wes Threw A Great ball at it and Metagross was caught so then Wes got an idea “I could carry Jiggley puff in a poke’ ball” so Wes did just that and took it to the P.C. And healed it and Metagross. Wes went to the first gym and asked for a battle and he got showed to the room were Brock the Pewter City Gym leader was “let’s get the battle started we’ll use a total of 2 pokemon is that okay with you?” Brock asked “ I’m ready” said Wes “go Onix” commanded Brock “okay then go Metagross Sludge Bomb” “Meta…Gross” a purple ball of sludge hit Onix in the face and blew Onix’s head off and it hit Brock and blew him to pieces and blood went all over the gym Wes saw a bloody badge role from Brocks pocket Wes ran up to the dead body and grabbed the badge and shoved Brock into Onix’s mouth Wes headed out the door and one of the guards asked what happened “ Well you see Brock slipped and blew his head off” Wes Mumbled then ran out of the gym. While Wes was going to the P.C. Wes saw Jesse of team rocket all alone an evil grin came onto Wes’s face. Then sent out Metagross “Metagross slaughter that fool but give me her pokemon!” Metagross went over to Jesse and ripped her arms off and then he drilled his fist into her chest and pulled out her heart and ate it in one bite then gave the pokemon to Wes. “ So how did it taste?” “Meta…” “ I thought so”. Wes was at the Cerulean City gym Wes went in and got the battle started and misty sent out Staryu and Wes sent out Mettagross. Wes told Metagross to drill Staryu into Misty So he did what Wes said. In one minute Wes was standing in front of another dead gym leader. “Time for Lt. Surge” Wes spent a night at the P.C.” in the morning he started out by the afternoon Mettagross killed 3 trainers and 2 locals. “Here it is the Vermilion City gym,” said Wes “it’s party time”. Wes was about to go in but the guards wouldn’t let Wes in “Do you want to end up like Brock, Misty, or Jesse!” Wes snarled “ sure kid get out of here cause you don’t want to get Lt. Surge angry cause he’ll probably do to you what he did to the Mail Man just because he forgot the mail” said the guard” O ya what did he do to the Mail Man make his hair all static?” Wes asked “ Ha you sure don’t know the Surge that well he shoved one of those poke’ ball things in his mouth and he told it to do self destruct and boom it blew him to pieces boy did I have a laugh” the guard said then broke into laughter. “Go Metagross crush them” Metagross grabbed them and crushed their heads together their was blood streaming down the guards face. Wes walked in “you’re one kid” said a voice from above “who’s there” said Wes “my name is LT. Surge are you here for the Thunder Badge?” asked Surge “ya I am” “ okay then lets go Riachu” commanded Surge. “Go Metagross sludge bomb on Riachu!” “Riachu thunder on Metagross!” the thunder hit Metagross and Metagross fainted the sludge bomb hit Riachu and it fainted. Go Celebi Razor leaf on Surge. Then there it was the 3rd dead gym leader. “Return Celebi” Wes went up to a person walking on a path “do you know where a P.C is” asked Wes “ya just follow the path to the P.C.”. While Wes was Walking on the path he saw a P.C. Wes went in and talked to Nurse Joy “wow you sure tired out you’re Metagross have you heard about the gym leaders and that girl isn’t it sad that someone would do such a horrible thing.” Said Nurse Joy. “Go Metagross knock her out and then let’s leave they hid the body. The cops came and started to pull out there guns and shoot at Wes and Metagross “ return Metagross” Metagross went into the poke’ ball and Wes ran as fast as he could. “Go Jiggley Puff use sing!” yelled Wes. The police started to fall asleep then when the police fell asleep Wes returned Jiggley Puff and grabbed a pistol from one of the police and headed off he saw a strong man and he started to try to beat up Wes. Wes pulled out the pistol and whacked the man on the side of the head but when he hit the man the pistol flew out of Wes’s hand. Wes just kept running until he got to Celadon City Gym and he went in and started the battle Wes examined the room their were glass vials off poisons. “Go Metagross Kill here!” Metagross threw Erika into the vials and the glass pierced her flesh “Metagross Tackle!” Metagross smashed into Erika breaking all her bones.
(what there's more just come back soonto see the rest of Murder Metagross *evil laugh*)
 

Xiang

Well-Known Member
Um, please space this out and create a new line after another character speaks. Separate this into paragraphs; it's really hard to read this way. Work on your commas, put them before the quotation mark if it's part of the sentence. Just get a spellcheck program and you'll do better than that.

Also, there was no description. What did everyone look like? What emotions did the character feel? What did the surroudings look like?

It didn't make any sense. It was too rushed. Read the stickied Advice for Aspiring Authors thread.
 

The Great Butler

Hush, keep it down
.......

Wow......I now fear Metagross crawling from my basement and drilling me like Staryu into Misty...... ;376;

Actually, first you need to cool down. Put spaces between your lines, and lines between your paragraphs.

Second, this reads like a marathon of mini-chapters...on speed. Flesh out your story more. Why is Wes having his Metagross murder Kanto gym leaders?

Third, the Murdering Metagross thing is already taken. ~Commander Blizzard's~ had Snattle killing people with his Metagross for a while now.
 

Kazuki Yukimura

Well-Known Member
Need... spaces..between...the...lines...

Just kidding, but I agree with the other two, the history is a little confuse, and the total absention of spaces between the lines doesn´t help at all.
 

Jason goes to hell

nightmare hour
ok so spaces and commas and that stuff. so do you want a caterpia that kills everybody?
 

MaskedManAbsolkid

Well-Known Member
No offence, but you should be able to do better than this. First of all, I couldn't read it properly. The spelling was bad, description was lacking and you need paragraphs. Then you gave it a bad plot by mixing XD and R/B and decided to kill nearly everyone. I could barely understand the story, and you brought random characters into the mix.

Please read 'Advice for Aspiring Authors', then try to make this better. I know you'll be able to make a better story.
 

Jason goes to hell

nightmare hour
I think I should just finish it and do all that stuff the post it when i'm done but it might take a while because I don't listen in school boy does school suck!
 
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