my drabble collection

[はるひ]

This is my first time writing a drabble and as I understand, they are exactly 100 words. It was very hard but please critique etc.

Here I did two drabbles. Both about my favorite Pokemon and the strongest character in my Pokemon fanverse.

Traits of a Warrior
I’m smart.

I’m quick on my feet.

I can outsmart my opponents with my wit. I am always one step ahead of ‘em.

A great warrior always stays one step ahead his or her opponent, a quote that’s been brought down.

I’m also a shinobi. When on the attack, the opponent is not aware of my existence.

Behind, I like to give a good battle. With my shuriken, I can startle him.

With the weight end of my kusarigama, I can strike him in the head.

These traits comes in the form of a merely five foot tall gothic lolita.


On the Attack
Blood rushing, heart pumping.

I slipped quickly into a corner, planning my attack on the villain.

My back against the wall, and my left eye in glare mode.

I already knew what I was going to do, but wanted to be careful not to startle the president, as he had a sword to his neck.

I tightly gripped the kama as I slipped in for the attack.

At a great net speed, I jumped behind him as he threw his shiruken. One by one, I dodged them.

Then an opening was shown, HIT! I knocked him out with the weight.

(However it was not in cold blood. That was a warrior’s strike)


drabble two, the bottom sentence is what I wanted to say but the damn word limit.

 

[Ejunknown]

x'D Another drabble thread! [I'm still completely hoping for a thread in the authors cafe. <3]

and my left eye in glare mode.

This made me giggle. I'm sorry. One eye glares, and the other doesn't? I want to see that face. No. I want to draw that face. x'D

At a great net speed

'Net', the gross-losses, is not a great term for speed. You are basically saying velocity-drag - friction, taking into account trajectory - you shouldn't make it a calculation. 8D;

shiruken

That is not how you spell Shuriken.

Then an opening was shown, HIT!

I don't think he showed the Pokemon the opening, wouldn't it be 'revealed'?

(However it was not in cold blood. That was a warrior’s strike)

You refer to it as both 'it' and 'that' - these need more definition!

I love the references to Japanese weapons though, it reminds me of my writing phase a few years back (those were a few good years. x'D)!

There's not much else to say, though? You have made these very self-contained, but doing that, you removed much depth beyond: this is a Pokemon I am describing? I'm interested in which president you are referring to though. ouo

 

[Phoopes]

Another Drabble thread????? Anyway, these are collections of 100 words each, but... where is the substance. In the first one, you are describing someone (a Gothitelle I'm assuming) and that is it. There's no plot, no characterization, just words describing a Pokemon's ninja-like ability. There is no mention of how the Pokemon looks at all, except for "a five-foot tall Gothic lolita." That's very vague. In Drabble, you must be short, sweet, and to the point when describing. You have the first one down, but your word choice (sweet) and your writing style (to the point) are a little bit lacking.

The second one has a bit more substance, but... it has more than 100 words. If you wanted to say that final sentence, you have to play around with your word choice in the first 100 words. That bottom sentence is 12 words long. 12 words is not hard to edit into a Drabble. (for me, anyway) If you wanted those last 12 words in, you could have gotten rid of a few useless words. I'll bold them for you.

On the Attack
Blood rushing, heart pumping.

I slipped (could be "slipping") quickly into a corner, planning my attack on the villain.

My back against the wall, and my left eye(s) in glare mode.

I already knew what I was going to do, but wanted to (could be "and would") be careful not to startle the president, as he (could be "who") had a sword to his neck.

I tightly gripped the kama as I slipped in for the attack.

At a great net speed, I jumped behind him as he threw his shiruken(s)One by one, I dodged them. (This is a matter of sentence structure. You could have "shurikens, dodging them one by one." This eliminates a word.)

Then an (could be "the") opening was shown, HIT! I knocked him out with the weight.

However it was not in cold blood. That was a warrior’s strike.

There. If you can understand my notes (they may be a bit confusing) it was really about word choice and sentence structure to get rid of those 12 words, while keeping the story the exact same. Those are the kinds of things you need to think about when writing Drabble. Anyway, the plot for the second one was a bit better. You had a Pokemon, I'm assuming, save the president of whatever country from assassination. But a question arises... why was he being assassinated? This Drabble is just a cutscene from a much larger picture, not an individual story that can be told in 100 words. It's the things like that that you need to think about before picking a topic.

Overall, they weren't bad for your first Drabbles. You just have a lot of room for improvement. Well, I guess the same can be said for every writer on this site, no? Anyway, good luck with your future Drabbles.

 

[はるひ]

How did you know it was Gothitelle? lol

I could haven written this as a one-shot but I thought a drabble was more fun. I hated how I had to be exactly 100 words tho. The shipping drabbles only had to be a page.

 

[Ejunknown]

I hated how I had to be exactly 100 words tho. The shipping drabbles only had to be a page.

I was going to post this earlier - it really doesn't have to be 100 words, you can set your 'drabble' limit. x'D Katiekitten and I are collaboratively writing a 200 word drabble series. Anything under 1000 words is generally considered a drabble, as it is too short for a short story. x"D