my Dragon story

[Kasai Koran Ryuu]

this may be in the wrong place but will someone please rate the first couple of chapters of my story her it is :It was a dark, quiet, night. In the distance a storm was rolling into the Valley of Fire. A boy was out hunting a deer when he heard a roar. He thought it as a bear and considered it harmless. Then, the forest lit a blaze. The boy realized he had stumbled upon a dragon’s den. Remembering the value of a dragon’s egg he started toward the source of the fire. Then, he saw it, a malevolent dragon, with scales shining of the purest red, eyes of the deepest green, and claws as long as he. As quiet as a fox he meandered his way to the cave. When he saw the eggs, all of the deepest black except for one of red, he grabbed the red egg. Once he found the exit to the cave he placed the egg in his pack. Without thinking about the mother dragon, he started for the nearest village. Suddenly he heard a great crash; the trees fell as if bowing to the mother dragon who was returning from her hunt. The boy bolted not knowing where to run except out of the valley.

Chapter 1



The dragon chased after him. Breathing fire upon him, the boy ran as fast as he could until he was out of the valley. The dragon retreated back to her eggs, but not before giving the boy one last fiery snort. He came across a hut in the forest. He knocked on the door and when it opened, a large man was standing in the doorway.
“What do you want,” he said with a deep, angry, voice.
“I request a place to stay, sir,” said the boy.
“On what means,” said the man
“I have been chased by a dragon,” the boy replied
“A dragon eh, what is your name boy,” said the man.
“I’m Luke,” he said.
“All right, as long as you leave by tomorrow at sun rise,” said the man.
“Thank you,” Luke said.
The next morning Luke prepared to leave when the man noticed the egg. “I see why the dragon chased you,” he said.
“I needed the money” Luke replied.
A few hours after he left the house he began to get hungry. He picked some berries and ate them when his pack grew hot. He rummaged through it until he found the egg with a crack right through the center. He pulled the egg out of his pack, and without warning it shattered, revealing a small red and black dragon. “Great,” Luke muttered, “this will never sell.” When he touched the dragon he felt a searing pain. Luke looked at his palm and then a look of terror spread over his face. He had the dragon’s insignia on his hand. This meant that he was forever bound to this dragon. “I guess this means you get a name little guy,” Luke said to the dragon, who snorted smoke. “I’ll name you Inferno, do you like that.” The dragon gave an approving nod and snort. Then the same symbol on Luke’s hand appeared on the Inferno’s wings.

Chapter 2

After six months Inferno was the size of a large house. “I heard the some beast have been out slaying entire villages,” Luke said to Inferno through the mind link they had established.” “I want to go and help protect the other villages.”
“I’ve wanted a chance to practice using fire on something a little smarter than a rock,” Inferno replied. ” Oh, and what are the beast?”
“They are creatures know as apocalyptic elves, and they are being followed by a Shade name Darkwatch.” “Apocalyptic elves are elves that have given there souls to darkness for power, but with there power they are weak against light.” “That’s why they attack villages at night.” Luke said.
“Then let’s get going” Inferno replied. “Also, what do these apocalyptic elves taste like?”
“I wouldn’t know no one has ever killed one.” Luke stated.
“Then we shall be the first.” Inferno said.

 

[Dimitri]

OK. Allow me to be frank... were you being serious when you wrote this?

The chapters are not even a page long, the grammar is worse than an eight year olds (Trust me. I have nieces), and to top it all off, I don't think you're even aloud to do something like this. BTW, most of your grammar mistakes can be fixed by running this through a Word Processor and proof reading.

If you want people to review your story then post this in the Non-Pokemon Fic section; or you could have posted a preview in "The Happy Fun Get Out the Word Thread" if you prefered.

I shall PM a mod to move or close this.

~DImItRi~

 

[Elemental Charizam]

Breathing fire upon him, the boy ran as fast as he could until he was out of the valley.

If the whole story thing doesn't work out, sell this fire breathing boy to the Sun!

...Seriously though, do read the stickies before posting.

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

Mmm, I think there's about outstanding problems with this - pace and characterisation.

At the moment, your story is moving at an ENORMOUS speed - so much so that it's hard for your readers to really get into it. No sooner are your readers confronted with one huge plot development than several more hit 'em straight after. IMO, there's not enough time for them to come to terms with each event before you move onto the next one. But that's relatively easy to fix - with description!

Description - especially on HOW your character is feeling (feeling emotionally AND physically) and on how they're moving and behaving - would probably go a long way to solving both the pace issue and the characterisation one. Take time to explain what's going on for your characters - this will help both to slow the story down and to give your readers a better idea of what your characters are like as people.

A few ways of doing this that I recommend are:

1. Use variations of said. It helps to better convey how the characters are communicating - and since so much of human communcation is done apart from the actual words, providing the other nuances of speech - like tone of voice and speed of speaking (if important) - can provide a fuller picture of what your characters are meaning. You came close here:

“What do you want,” he said with a deep, angry, voice.

But even then you still used said (though it kind of works here. Probably change the instances of it?)

“What do you want?” he rumbled gruffly, sour interrogation greasing his voice.

That's probably not a very good example, but can you see the difference? Repeating a word over and over can get very boring. This version at least gives variety. Though I'd suggest you change the repeated 'said/replied' pattern later on than the example I picked out of your work. That one was quite effective. ^^

2. Try to include bits of body language too. A lot of the way people communicate is non-verbal. So to slip little things like a character drumming their fingers or raising their eyebrows can go a long way to completing the picture of your characters. No need to be obvious about it. Less can often be more when it comes to subtleties.

3. Throughout the story, try to convey to your readers what your characters are feeling and seeing. You don't have to do this in first person, but try to give your readers a sense of what your character is experiencing. Scenery, other characters and the atmosphere given off by each are important points for constructing the 'feel' of a world.

Anyway, you've certainly got a bunch of ideas here - just remember that for the biggest impact, you might wanna slow down and give a bit of info about your characters and the setting. Like the insignia thing - you just mentioned that he had the 'dragon's insignia' on his hand.. but you didn't explain what the 'dragon's insignia' was. Perhaps explain that through what your character thinks about it? It was such a sudden happening and change of situation. You could have pumped that scene with a lot more detail and emotion - which would probably have increased and drawn out the impact.

Anyway, this has a lot of potential, so put it to good use! Let me know if you want anything in this review expanded upon/explained or if you want anything else in your story commented on/critiqued. ^^

Best of luck and fun to you!

Piney.