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My first fic

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L

LocK

Pwner
Here is an extract from my very first fan fiction,
Warning : May contain sexual / violent or innapropriate words and phrases for young people, dont moan if the fic offends you - i warned you.



-------------------------------------


... she gazed down at her sleeping Graveler, and thought
" is it so wrong for me to love a pokemon in this way?" Clarine was overwhelmed with sexual and confusing feelings for graveler. She felt herself growing alot more attracted to the sleeping pokemon and she became to feel bad for feeling so of a pokemon, especially a rock type.
Just then the train grew to a stop and graveler awoke to find Clarine staring at him,
"grav-grav gravel - graveler - er. " he groaned his deep echoing voice,
"yes i know graveler, we are here . Lets get off this train and go home." clarine said to her graveler , trying to pretend she did not feel tremendously attracted to graveler. They walked out onto the station and felt the cold breeze against their hot, sweaty bodies. They got home via Mini-cab and clarines mother was waiting at home with a hot bowl of soup for them both.
They walked through into the kitchen when suddenly three small ninjas with bags covering their heads smashed through the windows holding swords.

"KooAH!" the ,what seamed to be, lead ninja shouted to the two others as they leapt into the air front flipping towards graveler.
'NOO graveler!" clarine screamed, but she suddenly felt dizzy and everything went black- she fell, hitting her head against the kitchen table opening her skull and causing hot soup to be spilt all over her head.



When she awoke she found herself naked in a ,what seemed to be, prison room with a throbbing head and hideous burns on her face and chest. She was shocked and scared and let out bloodcurdling screams until she started coughing up blood and vomiting. Suddenly the big steel door to the cell opened and a very bright light shined onto her. When her eyes got used to the intesity on the light she saw a dark figure around 6.5 foot tall and built like a machoke.
"je suis un panda que je tuerai votre graveler si vous ne me sucez pas au loin" the dark figure said in a very deep and harsh voice. She did not undersatnd the french and shouted
" WHO ARE YOU!".
But the door just slammed shut. Clarine once more vomited on herself and fell unconcious after throwing all her weight against the thick steel door, multiply hitting her head against the bars....

Please give feed back
 
Psychic

Psychic

Really and truly
...

Please, for the love of all that is good and holy, do the following to protect yourself from evil:
a) read all Stickies in a section before posting, especially The Rules and Advice for Aspiring Authors
b) follow the guidelines of these Stickies and post in the appropriate section
c) type on Microsoft Word or a similar word processor
d) learn about grammar; tense, punctuation, paragraphing, spelling and all those things
e) don't write about themes you are too young to understand
f) don't try to describe things you don't understand


Now, for explanation:

a/b) You should read any Thread that is at the top of a page and says Sticky next to it. The one that says The Rules is one of the most important. If you read it, you will see why I am telling you these things, and you will understand how/where/what you did wrong. Like, for instance, posting in the wrong section


c/d) Your ‘fic’ was chalk-full of mistakes. Mistakes that Microsoft Word can easily find and help you fix. Because right now, I’ll tell you the truth; it looks ugly. Your spacing is all wrong, you confused your tenses, and added up, it all looks like a six-year-old child wrote it. My brother, who is eight, frankly, he has better grammar and knows about using a word processor. Even he could tell you that you shouldn’t write in the reply box.
If you are having trouble, get an adult, an older sibling or someone on the forums to help you. OR you can go to Advice for Aspiring Authors and read the part addressing grammar and the uses of the keys on the keyboard at your fingertips.


e/f) I will tell you the truth. This was badly written. Clearly, you are very young, and you know little, if anything, about love, sex, desire, lust or any of these more mature themes. It seems that you want to write about these things, but unfortunately, you just don’t know anything about them. You don’t know about the emotions that come with these feelings. And you probably don’t know what it would be like to find yourself in a cell, stripped of all clothing and see a big, tall man and worry that he is going to rape you.

My suggestion: don’t write about it if you don’t understand it, or if you have never experienced it.



This ‘fic’ is right now, very flat. The characters seem to have little, if any emotion, and they don’t have much personality. They don’t react to what is going around them, and seem to generally have no depth.

There is no description. In a story like this, you need description to flesh out the scene and make it seem more real. Tell us what the people look like. Tell us what the Pokémon look like. Tell us what their surroundings look like. Show us what they are doing and how they are feeling.



Of course, I get the impression that my review will just go to waste, but as long as I get this message through your head, I don’t care:
WRITE ABOUT WHAT YOU KNOW. RIGHT NOW, WRITE ABOUT THINGS THAT ARE MORE SIMPLE, AND LESS COMPLICATED, ESPECIALLY THINGS THAT DEAL WITH SO MANY EMOTIONS. EMOTIONS THAT YOU HAVE NEVER FELT, NOR UNDERSTOOD.

That will be all. I hope, for your own sake, that you listen to what I have said, for it will greatly help you. believe me, there are people who are much less nice than I am who will pound you to the ground much more violently than I have. All you can expect from us right now is harshness, so you'll have to shape up if you want to stay.

My apologies.


~Psychic
 
L

LocK

Pwner
love for a graveler?
your right i never have felt sexual feelings for a graveler, obviously you have, will you tell me all about it?
 
G

Godslayer

Well-Known Member
He doubts you've ever felt lust/love etc, I believe. Nor the fear of rape.

Just clarifying, smite me if I'm wrong.
 
C

CWisgood

Coral Eye Trainer
LocK said:
love for a graveler?
your right i never have felt sexual feelings for a graveler, obviously you have, will you tell me all about it?
Click to expand...

Thanks for insulting the person who even bothered to give you any advice. =/

Psychic is right; it's obvious you're trying to write beastiality/ rape fics/ torture fics/ erotica without the maturity to know and understand that WE DO NOT ALLOW EROTICA ON THIS FORUM.
 
Dragonfree

Dragonfree

Just me
They've already said everything that is to be said.
 
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