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My Gaurdian Angel (Pg)

1# manga fan!

2 Year Veteran
Umm, Hi everyone and welcome to one of my attempts to make a good fan fiction. This is a song fic and has lyrics from Your Gaurdian AngeL by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. Sorry if it's a load of crap, but if you don't think so enjoy!


My Guardian Angel

“Always alone” I shifted to a more comfortable position as the frigid

chasm wind tore hungrily at my face. My back to a rocky corner leading into

a cave, I then picked myself up walking to the edge of my vision. I suddenly

stopped and shivered as I looked past a thick layer of fog that had recently

been covering a treacherous drop. Standing there for a second, clutching my

bag closer to me. The blood streaked sides, torn flesh and fur ran down a

path smashed into the cliff. I shied back from the perilous cliff that I had

seen her ebony from disappear over moments before. I fell to my knees tears

streaming off my face; what I had just done I had done out of my own

greed.


A light appeared before me, lighting up a small circle around me shrouding

little light on this dark abyss. I scooted into the corner falling as far back

from the light as possible. I curled up into a ball as the illumination faded into

the darkness. The figure of a girl appeared out of the departed light. Her long

white and green dress fell past her ankles, allowing free movement of her

feet. Her green hair was cut just below her chin with a small curl at the ends.

She also wore a ruby red pendant the same color as her eyes. Her fragile

frame fell to the floor as the last of the light faded from around her.


I held my breath as she tried to push her self off of the ground. When she fell

back down I quickly rushed to her side and I cradled her weak body in my

arms. She gasped for air to find her words, but I silenced all her

attempts. “I’m so sorry,” I said with renewed tears running down my red

cheeks. She smiled a sad weak smile and held me with her little strength. “I

love you, Jordan. Never forget that.” She said as she held me closer. “No!

Don’t leave me Araya.” My voice echoed a crossed the empty abyss.


Just then the ferocious figure of a nine tailed fox appeared bloody and

battered. Its ebony fur was smeared with blood and dirt. Its blood shot eyes

greeted mine with no mercy. It howled a blood chilling call of hatred and

betrayal. It ran at me with speed no mortal could imagine.


Araya’s form pushed me out of the way throwing me closer to the ledge of

the cliff than I would have been comfortable with. A sudden flash blinded me

and dissipated as quickly as it had come. I blinked a few times and only

horror beheld my sight. The nine tailed fox paced closer to me Its eyes

somber, its rage gone.


It spoke in an ageless voice, its eyes never leaving my face “Jordan child of

Morty. Your debt has been satisfied, but you have not paid your full. Your

punishment was paid, but your stains are not clean. You will not see your self

like this again as you are consumed by your fault and your repentance will

not be received. The full of your pain is not on you yet, but life is not as it

seems.” With that the fox roared and I was blinded as I fell. I couldn’t see as

the darkness swallowed me and destroyed my temporary body. “Always

alone” I shuddered as I heard my father’s words. My new form less body sank

into the never ending darkness.


When I see your smile

Tears roll down my face

I can't replace


And now that I'm strong I have figured out

How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul,

And I know I'll find deep inside me, I can be the one


~Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
 

BynineB

Wielding Übersaw.
You obviously didn't run this through spell check, seeing as you spelled Guardian wrong.

The song doesn't make sense at all, it's way too short, there are several grammar errors. You only press "Enter" between each paragraph. And I can't tell anything about where the character(s?) are.. in a cave above a cliff? Why? How? And then a fox and a dude come and roar and he falls.

why.
 

1# manga fan!

2 Year Veteran
I'm sorry I guess I need to review it more and change more of it. If a moderator passes by could you please close this thread
 

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
Always alone” I shifted to a more comfortable position as the frigid chasm wind tore hungrily at my face. My back to a rocky corner leading into a cave, I then picked myself up walking to the edge of my vision. I suddenly stopped and shivered as I looked past a thick layer of fog that had recently been covering a treacherous drop. Standing there for a second, clutching my bag closer to me. The blood streaked sides, torn flesh and fur ran down a path smashed into the cliff. I shied back from the perilous cliff that I had seen her ebony from disappear over moments before. I fell to my knees tears streaming off my face; what I had just done I had done out of my own greed.

This is a proper paragraph. IF large/bulky, run on and probably could have been broken up. If you're cping something to the reply box you need to have word wrapping off or fix it after you post it. It makes you seem lazy either way.

The OTHER fact is I doubt you've read Advice for Aspiring Authors. Go read it. You need it.

There's very little of anything pokeymoney about it. So he's the son of Morty, oooh. Oh now I see a raging black Ninetales and some random glowy person.

This was rushed, confusing, had bad depth, bad pacing, little development on characters, or any real description of the scenery, the situation or you know why the guy KILLED A BLACK NINETALES.

When ninetales are silver or cream.
 

1# manga fan!

2 Year Veteran
I said in the post before that I'm closing this thread so don't reply on it!
I'm looking for someon to close it right now.
 

1# manga fan!

2 Year Veteran
I said in the post before that I'm closing this thread so don't reply on it!
I'm looking for someon to close it right now.
 

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
I said in the post before that I'm closing this thread so don't reply on it!
I'm looking for someon to close it right now.

I was expanding on what Bynine said because if you didn't know what he meant, I knew you'd most likely be confused. I also knew you had not read AfAA and Bynine had not directed you towards there.

Are you really that desperate to not have it explained in a little more depth as to what you did wrong or would you rather wait and be told again and again and again what you're doing wrong.

/facepalm.
 

1# manga fan!

2 Year Veteran
look I know what I did wrong but I made too many mistakes so I am starting it over later when I have enough time to fix It.
 
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