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My Name is Sally(One-shot)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Every Heart, Apr 29, 2007.

  1. Every Heart

    Every Heart Happy Rival!

    My Name Is Sally

    My name is Sally.

    Introductions are always important to say before saying anything else, otherwise it gets dreadfully confusing for people to know about you when they don't even know your own name. Don't you just hate that when you talk to someone for a good ten minutes or so and you don't even know what their names are? It kinda leaves you empty inside in my opinion because if they had something good to say, now you can't thank them properly for giving you that information.

    Or at least I was raised to believe that.

    Today is another one of those boring days. I sighed as I propped my head on my hands while lying on my stomach, watching the news. The news is my only link to the outside world, that realm beyond these old rusty walls. I haven't left this house for about...hmm...I'm not really that sure. Time seems to be another thing that's outside because I'm not sure how long its been since I've been here, what day it is, or frankly what time it is for that matter.

    So I turn to the news channel on my old tv. It gives some information as to what's going on outside, like if its raining or snowing, what Pokemon are in the area, and troubling news of deaths and heists commited by syndicated crime organizations. After listening to the reporter for some time, I flipped the tv off. I sat up, stretching slightly, even though it wasn't really necissary.

    It gets lonely living in this big old mansion. The only other person here is my butler Sebastion. He's a bit on the odd side in my opinion. He never comes upstairs for some reason, just hanging around in the kitchen or living room. That's probably why there are spiders and cobwebs all around the corners of the upstairs. He's not much fun to be in company of either, always talking to himself about god knows what. And he always asks me the weirdest questions.

    The one he's been asking me recently is always the same.

    "Is it time yet?"

    The answer was always the same too.

    "No."

    I walk out of the room, deciding to go find something to do. As I walk down the old hallway, a purple cloud suddenly dropped down from the ceiling. It had narrowed white eyes with black pupils and a fanged mouth that was spread into a grin. It stuck it's tongue out and waggled it a bit, but it didn't really faze me as much as it used to. I reached out and wrapped my pale arms around it.

    "Gastly! I was wondering where you had disappered off to again. You know I get lonely around here when you and the others aren't around.", I scolded it, but it just continued to smile at me like it usually does. I let go of it as it whirled around me, playfully lifting my up towards the ceiling.

    "Stop it Gastly, we'll do that some other time. Right now, I want to walk around a bit. Tell Driftloon and Rotom not to pop out either."

    Gastly stuck it's tongue out at me again as if to say, "Your no fun...", but none the less it whooshed away and disappered through a nearby wall. I giggled a little before heading off to the back room. It used to be Mom and Dad's room. But now it's empty and layered with dust. I stand in this room for sometime, thinking about the past. I can remember my Mom's sweet strawberry scented perfume and Dad's aftershave. That smell still lingers here. That's why I like being here. Even after all this time, it's still here. The smells make me feel closer to them.

    Mom and Dad died some time ago. A few years ago, a gas explosion in the basement had realeased some noxious fumes that spread across the house. Mom and Dad never woke up. I remembered standing over them, shaking thier shoulders, screaming and crying, but they couldn't hear me. I watched the police come and take the bodies away. They didn't pay any heed to me and Sebastion for some reason. My parents had moved on to the great beyond, the light at the end of the tunnel.

    I suddenly hear a creaking noise on the stairs. I immediately turn, wondering who that could be. It couldn't of been Sebastion or the ghost pokemon. I could feel apprehension building up inside of me. We had very few visitors that ever came to the old Pokemon Chateau. I couldn't help but feel happy. Maybe it was someone that was coming to keep me company. Maybe we could stay here together and play with the ghost pokemon! I wouldn't be alone anymore!

    The door creaked open as a young girl, my age perhaps, carefully steps into the room. She had shoulder length dark hair with barretes, her hair underneath a white cap with a pokeball symbol on it. She was wearing a dark purple-ish black shirt with a pink skirt and pink boots. A yellow bag hung off her shoulder while a red scarf was wrapped around her neck. Her blue eyes swept around the room while she mumbled to herself.

    "I wonder what's in here. Hopefully not any more Gastlys."

    Her eyes suddenly locked on to mine. I smiled sweetly.

    "Hi, my name is Sally. What's yours?", I asked.

    She didn't seem to have heard me. But she was staring at me. She opened her mouth in silent horror, her eyes widening in fear. She suddenly let out a high pitched scream before bolting out of the room, slamming the door behind her. I looked out the window and saw her running away. I could feel my eyes watering, but tears wouldn't come for me. I sighed sadly. I should of known that this would happen. It happened everytime someone came here. They would take one look at either Sebastion or me and run away screaming.

    I headed down to the kitchen, where Sebastion was wiping a dusty window. No matter how hard he cleaned it, it always still looked the same. He looked up at seeing me in the room. I was still upset, so I ended up asking him the question I always asked him.

    "Sebastion, why do they run away? Why are they afraid of me?", I asked.

    He didn't answer for a moment, concentrating as hard as possible on that unremovable spot of dust on the window. He then turned back to me.

    "Is it time yet?", he asked solemnly. I lowered my eyes to the ground. I wasn't sure what the answer to that question was anymore.

    "No. I don't...I don't want to go on yet.", I finally answered softly. It was true. I was too afraid for it to be time for me to go.

    He seemed to have understood before turning back to the window. I started walking out of the room before he suddenly spoke up.

    "They just don't understand what they can't explain Sally. There's nothing we can do about it."

    "I know. Thanks for listening Sebastion."

    "Anytime Miss Sally. I am still your butler after all, and turning a compassionate ear is what I do best."

    I put a hand to my mouth to control my giggling. After a minute, a question popped into my head.

    "Sebastion..."

    "Yes Sally?"

    I gulped, nervous about making sure to pose the question correctly.

    "Is it time yet?"

    His eyes widened before he walked over and placed a pale hand onto my shoulder. It was very cold, like always. But sometimes, if you just concentrated, you could feel a slight warmth.

    "No. That time won't come yet. Because if it did, it would mean that you would be all alone without me here. So I can wait."

    I looked into his old crinkled eyes and smiled. "Ok Sebastion."

    I turned and skipped out of the room, feeling lighter than usual. He always did know how to cheer me up, that Sebastion. I went back to that back room, since it had the only clean window in the entire house. I sat on the windowsill as I looked out over the backyard where the family cemetary was. There were four graves there, two of them belonging to Mom and Dad. I already knew who belonged to the other two graves. I've known for so many years. I can still read their inscriptions. It helps remind me why I am still here. But it doesn't help to ready me to move on.

    Gastly, Rotom, and Driftloon seemed to sense my distress as all three floated out of the ceiling and surrounding walls. They swirled around me, comforting me with their prescence. I hugged them close to me, thankful that they were here for me. They showed up sometime after my parents died, inhabiting the house and becoming permanent members of the family. I think the reason I hold on is because I don't want to lose my new family.

    My name is Sally.

    And I am dead...


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------
    For those wondering where this came from, if you go to the Old Chateau in Diamond or Pearl in Eterna Forest(use Cut to get there) you will be in a house inhabited by Gastlys and a rare Rotom.(I just threw in Driftloon for the heck of it) Now, if you go at night and walk around into some of the rooms a bit, you will spot a girl or an old butler in the house. They are both floating and will exit the room through the walls, floor, or ceiling. It amazes me that Nintendo would think to put humans ghosts in that haunted house.(It sure scared the heck out of me when I saw them and made me run out)

    I thought this would be kinda like a back story as to why those two people are in that house. I hope that you enjoyed it. I hope that it didn't make you angsty or anything.

    I will also be placing this at Fanfiction.Net under "Night Rain Illusion" along with my other fanfics. You can get there by clicking on "Fanfics" in my signature.

    But this is the first peice of fanfiction I have decided to place in a forum, let alone this one. I would like comment on it.
     
  2. Psychic

    Psychic Really and truly

    Hm, interesting. As one of the few people who don't own Diamond or Pearl (and never will) I had to read the Author's Note at the bottom first to see what the fic was based around, but I think you chose a very good concept to base this off of. It certainly sounds interesting, as well as creepy, although I think you could have played with the creepiness more because now, it's a bit hard to tell that Sally and Sebastion are dead. You could have given it a slightly more morbid feel and give it a more sad mood, gone into a bit more depth of what it's like for them to be dead, how they feel and how they react to the few people who come and go.

    But it any case, it was a nice read. Not the best, but pretty good for a beginner. It did lack a few things, like a good description to set the mood, such as describing the house and how it's ruined and run-down, how little light there is and how the house creaks in its old age, and heck, even a bit of how now only Sally and Sebastion, but the ghost Pokémon all look like.

    But I quite liked the backstory Sally has, as it is both tragic and scary (very nice job) and her relationship with Sebastion, although I think this could have been developed a bit more to show just how much he cares for her. It's also just a bit unclear as to exactly why Sally hasn't moved on, and it could be for many reasons that you can play around with, like she's afraid to, or she really likes the house or doesn’t want to leave all the ghost-types.


    A main problem that bugged me here is that you didn't type on Microsoft Word or a similar program. Bad bad bad! NEVER type in the reply box, because it doesn't have a spell-check or grammar check, which is essential in writing. Because you didn't type on MS Word, there were many silly little mistakes, like misspelling "released," "necessary," "their" and "committed."
    Another problem is your language, which is, to be frank, somewhat weak. In some cases the wrong words were used, or you'd be missing a word or something like that. The grammar in general could be better, and to improve my suggestion is to get out and READ. We become better writers by reading, you see, because it's like practice, and when you see something enough times it gets engraved in your head. For example, you were missing commas in places where someone was being addressed. For instance, it SHOULD be:
    "Hiya, Fred!"
    "I told you, Betty, I don't LIKE ice cream."
    "Do you believe in aliens, Josh?"
    Notice all the commas before people's names. You didn't have those commas in multiple places, but if you read enough you'll learn and see that a comma always goes there. Other mistakes included putting two punctuation marks: one inside quotation marks and one outside, like for instance
    "Hi, my name is Sally. What's yours?", I asked.
    The last comma shouldn't be there.


    Wuick note: it’s and its are two completely different things. It’s is short for it is while its means belonging to it.

    Oh, and another quick note: it’s one Gastly, two Gastly. One Pikachu, three Pikachu. One Zigzagoon, fourteen Zigzagoon. The plural of a Pokémon name doesn't have an 's' at the end.




    In any case, it was still a pretty good One-Shot and I enjoyed reading it. It just needed a bit more meat- some depth in emotion, description even a bit of background. You seem to have some great potential, so keep trying, keep practicing, keep reading and writing and listen to your reviewers.

    Good luck!
    ~Psychic
     
  3. DarkPersian479

    DarkPersian479 Well-Known Member

    This got posted like four times due to forum lag. You might want to go back and delete the other posts.

    Grammar corrections follow in bold.

    The its/it's confusion does come up a few other times as well.

    First time in there I did see the butler!

    I liked this, it was interesting to find out who owned the old house and what became of its inhabitants. That's gotta be hard, though, stuck between life and the afterlife, wandering throughout a big old house with nobody human but your butler to speak to. But I suppose as a non-living being it would make sense for her to commune with the ghosts in there.

    But personally, I spent a lot of time in that mansion, if for no other reason than the Gastly give decent EXP points for that stage in the game. Though if one of the ghosts resembled a human girl, I might freak. Maybe...
     
  4. Every Heart

    Every Heart Happy Rival!

    The forum lag here is terrible. The reason my post count is so low is because I can never really post properly in these forums. Anyway, I didn't use MS Word, but that was because for some reason I don't have it on my computer. I only have a different writing software, which isn't as great as MS Word.

    And I'm well aware of how horrible my spelling and grammar is. But at least it's readable and not that noticeable. (I think...)
     
  5. Bling Slaking

    Bling Slaking Bugger

    Nice. Just need to type it up in word!
     

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