I think this is partly good, but at the same time it seems boring.
It's rather dull, yes; I think this would be a good case for "show, don't tell". Don't just say
"Zangoose, Electabuzz and Scyther started fighting each other." Maybe Scyther took a swing at Electabuzz, who got angry and tried to thunderbolt Scyther, but also hit Zangoose, who... You get it? If you actually SAY what's happening, it's much more exciting.
"Blissey, Flareon and Muk were the only ones to not fight" sounds wrong because "the only ones" implies a distinct minority, whereas these three are half the team. Maybe after a few sentences on the way the fight was going, you could mention that those three were off to the side, watching the battle or doing something else (maybe flareon decided to take a nap, say).
"(by now Muk had tried to hug Blissey and Michael)" Working things into the narrative is far preferable to parentheses. You could have said something like
"Michael watched dispiritedly as Zangoose hit Scyther with a punishing crush claw attack, and only half-heartedly tried to push Muk off of him when the sludge pokémon tried to hug him." That's another thing, actually--I made Michael sort of depressed there, but I don't actually know how he feels about anything in the scene. Is he annoyed that his pokémon are fighting? Exasperated? Does he not really mind? Why are they fighting, anyway?
"Just before it turned eleven, Michael heard the soft sound of his PDA's ringtone telling him he had a message. He got out the silver device and checked his emails. He noticed that he actually had three emails. He read the first one."
There's a LOT here that needs to be worked into the scene better. Again, I would preface it with a line about how the fight is going, since it is apparently holding Michael's attention--you could also describe the scene in such a way that implies it's been going on for a while.
"Scyther was down on one knee, panting--the electric attacks took a lot out of him--while Zangoose and Electabuzz were covered in scratches from various claws and scythes. Michael was impressed that they had fought so long, but they all looked close to their limits. He was about to tell them enough was enough, when he was startled by his pants ringing."
The last couple of sentences are the worst.
"He got out the silver device and checked his emails. He noticed that he actually had three emails. He read the first one." Show, don't tell, again. "He pulled out his PDA, which ceased its repetitive tone when he hit the e-mail button. Three envelope icons flashed on the screen; he scrolled to and selected the first one."
...Dang, I told myself I wasn't going to write this for you. Whoops. Well, hopefully you're getting some ideas...?
I think there's too much description here, and should I call the pokeballs spherical devices?
Way too much description, especially for how it's presented--it's not necessarily bad, but it's so clunky that you might be better off not having any at all. The best way to do it is to work it into the narrative. Stick with pokéballs, unless you have a scene where you're going to have to mention the word several times a sentence. Then you can substitute with "capture devices", "red-and-white spheres", etc. etc.
"Okay Jovi, I'll be a second!" Michael replied.
He grabbed his trainer belt and dashed out of his room, managing to catch the elevator going down. He trotted out as the doors opened on the ground floor, and went into the room on his immediate right, where his mother, Lily, and Professor Krane were waiting for him.
They looked pleased to see him; Krane was grinning, and with his messy brown hair he looked like a kid in a lab coat. Lily was as prim as ever in her starched pink suit and tight bun, but Michael thought he could detect a hint of a smile.
Let's see... I think it's good form to write out "professor" and "okay" but I think you can technically get away with "Prof." and "O.K." A lot of the description in that paragraph was totally unneeded--you really don't have to describe exactly what they look like and what they're wearing, but you can work some features into the narration, which flows a lot better while still leaving -some- details to the reader's imagination. When you describe what a character looks like, it should also say something about their personality, which you did pretty well with the blurb on Professor Krane, but the parts about Lily were more of an info-dump. I made her seem kind of stiff or schoolmistress-like, but I really don't know how you were going to make her, which is the problem.
When you're describing things, they should be mentioned in the order that the character would be noticing them--for instance, I don't think Michael would take pains to think about the books on the walls or where the other doors lead... or about his mom's legs. *grin*
"Oh, I get it. Sorry for acting dumb. I'm the only one who knows this, but that guy, he's called Pawal, and he is a huge fan of Cipher" Aferd replied, dragging the fat researcher inside the HQ.
Put a comma after Cipher, dialogue never ends with a word and then quotations; there's always a comma or a period. Write out "Headquarters", it can really only be "HQ" in dialogue. Possibly he shouldn't be speaking AND dragging the heavy researcher at the same time, unless he was super-strong he'd probably be panting or gasping. Boring? Well, it would depend on what else is going on.
Title: Robbed!
From: Trest
Michael! Some giant muscly red-haired freak just broke into my house and took some things, such as the deeds to Reagalm Tower! He and another woman I can't describe disapeared straight after! You'll need to investigate tomorrow!
This e-mail doesn't really sound like what someone would say, especially someone who'd just been robbed. I'd say that something like:
Michael! A man and a woman just broke into my house and stole some very important things! Even the deeds to Realgam Tower! I can't remember what the woman looked like, but the man was burly and red-haired. I called the police but they seem to have disappeared! They think they left town as soon as they could. Please come down as soon as you can!
would be a little more natural. The last line sounded especially weird to me.
...Wait, Trest is the mayor of Phenac, right? Why does he own that property, and why aren't the originals of important documents like that in a bank vault somewhere? Seems dumb to keep things like that in your -house-.
Yeah, I ended up writing it out for you a lot, so try not to copy, but try to use them as aids for what I'm saying. ^_^;;; But it seems like an okay idea, and you should definitely write it to practice and improve.
