My Pokemon story

[Pokemanmaster]

Well this is about a boy who goes on his pokemon journey the usaul stuff but with twists placed in. Anyway hope you enjoy oh by the way some times this may count as pg 13 only sometimes though.

Chapter 1



It was a grave night when I lost my Eevee. It was so dark, clouds were looming overhead and the roads and paths were empty. Me and Eevee had just won a ranching competition, we had to herd a group of five Mareep into a small pen. Me and Eevee had won first prize, we had moved all the Mareep into the pen in 35 seconds. Me and Eevee were inseparable, we never left eachothers sides. My mum loved me and Eevee. She would always call me by my nickname, Jay, when me and Eevee were playing together. My real name is Jericho.

The night I lost my Eevee was so unexpected. Me and Eevee were on a our way home from the ranching contest when it happened. As we walked Eevee was snatched right from under my nose. I didn't notice Eevee had gone until I got home. I was so devastated. I didn't leave my room for days, until I decided to run away. I got together all my stuff including one of my dad's pokeballs. I didn't have a clue what pokemon I was taking with me, all i wanted to do was get out of there. I left my house on a dark night whilst the moon was full. As it shined down on me I took one last look at the blue door and white walls of my old house. I knew where I was going, The Fiore region.

When I arrived I looked around. I saw a large city in the distance and trees in front of me. I looked across the dock and saw a girl just in the distance looking at me. As she saw me looking at her she ran over to me and began speaking to me.

" Hi my name is Rain, what's yours?"

Rain looked attractive I just couldn't stop thinking about how good she looked.

" Um excuse me boy, what's your name?"

" Oh sorry I was in a world of my own, my name's Jericho I just arrived here."

" Cool so did I want to go to Ringtown together?"

" Yeah, but where is it?"

" Ringtown, well that's just past that big city over there."

Rain pointed in the direction of the city.

" Oh good that shouldn't take long then. Right let's get going."

Me and the girl started traveling down the path that led to Ringtown.

" So I was wondering what pokemon do you have?"

Rain was a bit full on but I liked it was comforting.

" Well I don't know. See I got a pokeball of my dad and I haven't checked what pokemon it is yet."

" Well why don't you check it now?"

Rain was really nice it had only been like four minutes but I was beginning to warm to her

"Ok then, GO POKEBALL!"

I threw a pokeball and out popped a Yanma. rain started screaming with joy.

"Oh my god, you've got a Yanma. Me I've got a Sneasel, it's ok but I've always wanted a Yanma."

" Well looks like you're gonna have to catch one cause this one is mine."

Rain looked a bit disappointed.

" Oh sorry rain I didn't mean it like that, it's just I get a bit wierd round nice girls."

" Thanks Jericho, you now I like you to but I want to get to know you first before we do anything drastic."

" Ok Rain lets get to know each other."

Rain looked really happy.

" So Rain it's time to get going; come on we got to get moving."

To be continued. . .

 

[Pokemanmaster]

chapter 2

sorry if anyone ever reads this its just im really bad at all the fancy push this chapter butto and here is chapter two so lets just get straight to the point here is chapter 2


Chapter 2


I finally took time to notice many of my surroundings and Rain once we stopped. Rain was wearing a knee length blue skirt, a whit top wth a pink jumper and she wore a blue and pack.

We had stopped in a clearing in a heavily wooded area. Just out of sight was Fall city and beyond that was Ringtown. Today I was wearing my favourite worn down blue jeans, a blue top, silver jacket and my favourite hat red and white with a green tick like shape on the front.

" So Rain can I take a closer look at your Sneasel?"

" Only if I can take a closer look at your Yanma."

" Ok."

Me and Rain both threw out our pokeballs. A silver light placed Yanma by my side. And a silver light also delivered Sneasel to rain's side. Sneasel ran over to me and Yanma fluttered over to Rain's side.

Rain's Sneasel was very strong. I just remembered I had grabbed a pokedex out of my dad's office before I left, I pulled the pokedex out of my jacket pocket. And pointed it at Sneasel.

" It feeds on eggs stolen from nests. Its sharply hooked claws rip vulnerable spots on prey."

I looked up to see Sneasel had ran off and Yanma was hovering by my side.

" Rain where are you? Rain!"

" Yes! Jericho I'm over here."

I ran into the wood and saw Rain standing there holding a pokeball in the air then she started screaming.

" Yeah, I caught a Torkaol."

" So I see you caught a Torkaol. Well looks like I have to catch a pokemon to level out the playing fields. So how about I catch the first pokemon I see?"

"Yeah, go on then Jericho there's a Teddiursa."

I wizzed my head round so quick it put me in a sort of dizzy trance. Once I regained my normal thinking power I saw a Teddiursa standing next to a bush.

" Ok, Yanma use quick attack!"

Yanma flew towards Teddiursa at amazing speed knocking teddiursa into one of the many trees.

" Now Yanma use sonicboom!"

Teddiursa used pound but was knocked back by the sonicboom into a tree and fell to the ground.

" Go pokeball!"

I threw the pokeball at Teddiursa and it opened up and a red light engulfed Teddiursa Forcing it into the pokeball. The pokeball shook three times before clicking shut to secure the catch.

" Yes I caught a Teddiaursa!"

" Well done Jericho, looks like you have your second pokemon same as me"
I looked at the pokeball then clicked the button to shrink the pokeball and I clipped it to my stripy belt.

" So Jericho are you going to challenge a gym in Fall city."

" Where is Fall city?"

" Right in front of you silly."

Rain pointed to the end of the path where buildings began to rise for miles, and right in the middle of all the buildings was one tall tower with what appeared to be a flying saucer on top.

" You see the building in the middle the saucer shaped one?"

" Yeah."

" Well that's the gym of the flying type master Gordon."

" Cool, so Rain?"

"Yeah."

" Race you there."

Me and rain raced of towards the giant pillar to challenge the gym leader.

To be continued. . .

 

[psyrose3]

Oh deary me...

I see no description of the Pokémon. There is barely any emotion. And I'm too lazy to go over the grammar mistakes I found. PLEASE, put a little more depth into this...

~Psy

 

[Crasher]

Okay, lots of questions here:

Why is there a Torkoal in a forest?

How did Rain catch it so quickly?

Why did a total stranger come up to you and ask you to come to an unknown city?

Why did you agree when you don't even know where the city is?

How old are the characters?

Why did Jericho run away from home just because he lost a Pokemon?

Why didn't he put up Lost posters?

Why did he steal from his father?

Where's the description of the characters? Is Jericho thin? Fat? Strong? Weak? Has he got a lot of hair? Has he not got any? Is he tall? Short? In between? Is he a fast runner? Slow?

How does Jericho automatically know Yanma's moves?

Why does a silver light come out of the Pokeball, not a red one?

How did you arrive in Fiore? You said dock, but you never actually described the boat. In fact, we don't even know if the boat exsists.

Where's punctuation?

Do I even need to ask about spelling?

Why use an Eevee when in Pokemon fics it's so overused? Why not use a Poochyena, or a Pikachu? Or maybe a Starly?

How're you going to challenge a gym leader with 2 Pokemon and no battle experiance?

There are so many more questions, but I really don't want to list them all. But you need to add depth to the story. We've heard the Pokemon journey before. Give us something new!

 

[Zephyr Flare]

^ This.

Anyway, your fanfiction reads icnredibly scriptish at the moment. You seemingly have robots who do little other than talk. Also:

Me and Eevee had just won a ranching competition,

For proper english, it's Eevee and I. Though that paragraph is so endless repeatitive, argh. Yes we get it, it was an eevee and a kid. We don't need it rammed down our throats every sentance.

As we walked Eevee was snatched right from under my nose. I didn't notice Eevee had gone until I got home.

If you're close and you were carrying something/a pet or soemthing walked right next to you wouldn't you kinda notice they were snatched exceedingly quickly? Deathly silence or sudden lack of weight is an amazing give away. You gave no description whatsoever to imply where the 'vee was prior...

In fact you seem adverse to description in general and prefer to state things as though you were listings things off than writting fiction. What do things look like? Colours? Genders? Is the sky pink spotted with blue stripes? When you talk, do you just stand there opening and shutting your mouth? These are the impressions you're giving as you're going for the laziest way and it's dragging everything down to tedium as a result.

Please check out Advice for Aspiring Authors, you'll find a lot of help there to really kick this into gear. Right now it's just... there.

Sandra