My very first try at writting.

[Jarisoni]

Hi to everyone.

I'm new here and I wanted to share with you some of my own Pokémon world. This is the first Pokémon fanfic I've ever wrote, although I don't want it to be very long. I'll try to write it in 6 chapters. I hope you like it and every advise would be appreciated.

;282;

Chapter 1

You’ve heard of Ash Ketchum’s trips, with many adventures and misadventures in them, trying to achieve his ultimate dream: become a Pokémon Master. He has traveled many regions (Kanto, Jhoto and Hoenn as for now), but he has not ever won a Pokémon League Tournament. Why? Who knows. Maybe he just enjoys traveling with his trusty companions more than just training for winning a League event. Or maybe he just doesn’t trains with enough discipline.

Well, the Battle Frontier event has just been over. Ash finally managed to get the Brave Symbol by defeating Brandon, the last and most powerful of the Frontier Brains (as they make reference of themselves). However, Ash had an empty feeling, the same empty feeling he always has had when he lost in any of the Pokémon League Tournaments, although he always managed to hide it from his friends.

-“Well guys”-, Ash said to his friends, -“I think its time for going home!”-

Everyone nodded in agreement, silently, as if every word they could spoke could hurt him. The trip was quite peaceful (with the occasional intervention of Team Rocket claiming Pikachu for their boss). Then, one by one, they were taking different roads. The first one was Brock, who wanted to go through the Rock Tunnel (maybe an air of nostalgia invaded his heart and wanted to get another Onix for him). Then, May and Max, who were forced to take the route towards Vermillion City. There they could get a ticket for sailing to Lilicove City in the Hoenn region. Finally, Ash and Pikachu were left alone, traveling back to his home in Pallet Town, remembering all the feelings he had when he won that last symbol.

Two large years have passed. The time teleport us to a nice, small city: Petalburg City. The night is splendorous, kind of warm and cloudless. The moon shines in a bright white.

-“Tomorrow is the big day!”- said Max, gazing at the stars, –“tomorrow I’ll go to Littleroot Town and become a trainer… oh, how excited I am!”- The kid was now 10 and his father offered himself to take Max to Littleroot riding on his Tauros. Max always wanted to race against the wind riding on his father’s Tauros.

But he was now concealed in another thing: which Pokémon should he choose? His sister’s Combusken proved to be very brave and friendly, Ash’s Sceptile was a little bit quiet and serious but it also proved to be valiant and strong-willed. Finally, Brock’s Marshtomp was kind of naive (and a total Casanova), but it also was very playful and adamant. He couldn’t take a decision when finally felt asleep.

-“Wake up Max!”-, a feminine voice shouted at him,-You’re going to be late!”-

-“Uhhh… wwhooo…?... wheeere…?... Oh, I was fast asleep!!!”-

-“Come on Max! Hurry up!”-

Max got up very quickly and dashed towards the Pokémon Stable his father has in the back of their house.

-“I hope my little brother arrives at time”-.

 

[Blazing Dragon]

Err...shaky. Its quite short, and I see some story mistakes. You see, Max promised a Ralts to come back and get him as a starter. Please correct these mistakes, and you may have to change the story quite a bit.

 

[Manulya]

Okay I saw the title and started lmao. You spelled writing wrong. That aint a good thing but hey it did attract me so I suppose it works. Still LMAO ;manyula; If you wanna proper review, PM me. Okay due to complaint, I might as well say a little more.

For a first time writing, its pretty good, though I'm not a big fan of fics based on unoriginal characters.

Two large years have passed. The time teleport us to a nice, small city: Petalburg City. The night is splendorous, kind of warm and cloudless. The moon shines in a bright white.

Not sure what you mean with us in the second sentence.

There are a few minor errors I'd like to point out, but I have to leave right now, but I'll complete it later. Other than that, its okay, and pretty good for a first try. ~Remembers Loyal to the End and shudders~

 

[Zephyr Flare]

Admittedly find myself in shock, a newbie writer actually using paragraphing?! Very rare indeed.


Have you made sure to check the provided stickies? Because this is below the recommended allowance. It is riddled with saids which is highly frowned upon, random -'s around speech and evidently things are being skipped.

Have we heard of Ash's travels? You can't assume everything, a forum skimmer might see this and go "who is Ash?".

There is some basic description starting here that would do well to be expanded.


As I said, make sure to check out the stickies, they are there for a reaosn.


/edit Manulya, that was completely pointless and sueless for the kid. If you're too lazy to put a review down then don't post, it really is _that_ simple.


Sandra

 

[Jarisoni]

Working...working...

Thanks for the advices. Before I continue I must say I'm not an all-natural english speaker (I must confess that writing fics is one way to correct some errors and to improve the use of this language).

I'm working on the second chapter, trying to put on use the advices everyone already gave me. I hope you like it... when done.

;282;

 

[Jarisoni]

the second chapter came out pretty quick

Well, the second chapter is here.

;282;

Chapter 2

-“Come on son, we gotta hurry!”- Norman words showed excitement more than worry. Deep in his heart he knew Max will become the next Petalburg Gym Leader one day, so this day was particularly important for him.

-“I’m sorry dad, I just got asleep…”-

-“Don’t worry Max, Tauros will carry us with all the speed it can achieve. Are you ready Tauros?”

The bull Pokémon stomped on the ground answering its trainer question. Norman and Max jumped on Tauros and the Pokémon began to run. Max was amazed by the speed his father’s Pokémon was achieving and also was very excited for riding it.

After 15 minutes of impetuous dashing, Max and Norman saw a small multitude at the entrance of Littleroot Town. Three guys were waving hands as they went away from the town, carrying in their hands a Poké Ball. Their faces showed nervousness and happiness.

As Tauros was getting closer to the entrance they noticed that Professor Birch was right there, waving his hand to the young new trainers. Seconds later, the crowd was dissipating, entering into the town. However, Professor Birch remained there, looking long away toward the way the three guys went.

-“Professor, Professor!”-, Max shouted while getting even closer.

-“Oh, hi Max, hi Norman!”-, the Professor greeted them as they dismounted a tired Tauros.

-“Professor, I’m here to choose a Pokémon and become a trainer!”-, said Max very worried his fears could be true.

-“Oh Max, I’m so sorry, but actually three guys chose their respective Pokémon and I don’t have any other left for you to take… I’m sorry…”-.

Tears burst down Max’s face. His long beloved dream had shattered into pieces, just because he got asleep. Max rushed away, deep into the bushes surrounding Littleroot entrance.

-“Max…”-. That was only that Norman could say.

Suddenly, Max stopped and began to cry out loudly. A flock of Taillows flew off, disturbed by the loud noise. He was devastated.

-“Are you Max?!”-

Max looked up. He saw a tall guy wearing red pants and a grey waistcoat. His hair was kind of large. Besides him, a Chimecho was floating. His voice had a very worried tone.

-“… yeah… I’m Max, who are you?”-

-“That doesn’t care right now. Come with me, a friend of yours needs you!”-

Without a word, the man laid a hand over Max’s shoulder and teleported him to another place deep in the Hoenn region. He quickly remembered the place: a long road lined by huge trees conducing to a big, classical Pokémon Center.

-“It was here where I made a promise”-, said Max with astonishment.-“I promised I would came back for him when I became a trainer”-.

-“So then you are the Max I was looking for”-

-“Why were you looking for me?”-

-“Your friend asked me to”-, said the man. –“My name is Ivan… look out!”-.

They both ducked, avoiding a Murkrow flying between the trees, as if patrolling.

-“This forest is very special”-, said Ivan. –“The berries that grow here are known as Arve Berries. Their scent attracts Psychic Pokémon. And Team Rocket discovered it, so they created a special division to catch ‘em all. As you should know, Psychic Pokémon are weak against Dark Pokémon, so their entire Pokémon are Dark type”-.

Max was speechless. Why have Ivan told him that story? Why did he know about the promise he made there to…Ralts?

-“I told you this story because I want you to help me rescue the Psychic Pokémon they caught there in the Pokémon Center and as I told you before, your friend Ralts asked me to find you. He trusts you, Max.”-

-“How did you know what I was thinking?”- Max eyes widened as Ivan answered his mental questions.

-“Oh, sorry. I forgot to tell you that I am a psychic. As you can see I train Psychic Pokémon”-, Ivan said pointing at his Chimecho.

-“Awesome!”- responded Max. –“However, how are we going to help the Psychic Pokémon? I don’t have any yet.”- Max's voice quivered a little.

-“Well, I will lend you two of my Pokémon. Here take this Poké Ball”-, Ivan handed a Poké Ball to Max.-“It contains a Hypno. Also, take Chimecho with you. Its Heal Bell can take you out of a harsh situation.”-

-“Wow! Thanks Ivan, I’ll do my best!”-

-“I have no doubt about that. Here is the plan…”-

Author's note: I will post some sprites of the unknown characters, just for making more accurate the mental visualisation of the fic. This posts will be made in the Fan Art Forum.

 

[Jarisoni]

The third chapter.

Here we go, the third chapter finally is made.

;282;

Chapter 3

Ivan and Max sneaked through the forest to the back entrance of the Pokémon Center. A Rocket Grunt was on guard, with a Houndour out of his Poké Ball.

-“This will be a piece of cake”-, said Ivan, with a mischievous grin on his face. –“Look at this Max”-.

Ivan quietly freed his Lunatone from its Poké Ball. They looked at each other for a while and then Lunatone floated away. Max looked with a puzzled expression in his face.

-“Well Max”-, Ivan began,-“when you train Psychic Pokémon, your mind begins to connect with theirs. If you spend a lot of time with your Pokémon, eventually, you can communicate with it telekinetically.”-

Max was amazed. He never thought of it before, but then realized that Ralts was a Psychic Pokémon. The tip Ivan just gave him wasn’t told deliberately, Ivan knew this time Ralts will accompany Max in his journey. Then Ivan pointed Max to the Grunt.

Lunatone floated near them casually. The Grunt was very excited and ordered Houndour to Crunch it. The Dark Pokémon leaped over Lunatone. The meteorite Pokémon levitated high enough to avoid the attack and then let itself fall hard on the ground, causing an Earthquake. The Houndour and its trainer lost balance and fell on the ground. Swiftly, Lunatone appeared in front of the Houndour and stared firmly into its eyes, hypnotizing it into falling asleep. The same went for the Grunt, now snoring away from the entrance.

Ivan congratulated his Pokémon as he and Max stand up (due to the Earthquake, they too fell on the ground). Then they rushed into the Pokémon Center. Certainly this Pokémon Center was quite big: it had three floors, with long corridors full of doors. Ivan and Max kept running through the first floor, turning around some corners and through some doors, as if Ivan knew where they were going. Suddenly, he stopped in front of a door.

-“Well Max, it’s up to you now”-.

-“Wha… wha…what do you mean?”-
-“Behind this door lies the cages where Ralts and the other Pokémon are trapped”- Ivan ducked and grabbed Max by his shoulders, -“if I freed them, Ralts will be kind of sad because it wasn’t YOU who helped him.”-

Ivan stood up. –“And don’t worry, I will take care of the Grunts while you freed the Pokémon.”-

Max quietly freed Hypno from its Poké Ball. The tapir Pokémon looked at him, its eyes digging into his mind.

-“Ple…as…ed… to… me…et…yo…u.”-.

Max heard Hypno’s greetings deep into his mind. His eyes widened. How was it possible to him to understand the Pokémon language?

-“Are…you…surp…ris..ed?”-, Hypno’s voice echoed into Max’s head again. –“Your… mind… is… clear… enough… to…talk…to…you. We are going to be a good team!”-

The voice in Max’s head was getting clear and precise as if he was talking to another person. Eventually, he was getting more used to this feeling.

-“Are you ready Max?”-, Ivan questioned.

-“Sure, let’s go!”-

The door was blasted off by Lunatone’s powerful ram. Three Grunts were standing besides the huge cage. A little Ralts floating near the front bars, grabbing them, cried out in cheer as he saw Max standing there. Max also was very happy of seeing his old friend again and an explosive feeling for helping him quickly took over his heart.

-“You’re goin’ to regret this!”-, a Grunt shouted at them, -“Mightyena, go!”-

The shape of a slender, gracious Pokémon appeared in front of them, its black fur fluffed and growling deeply. Its red eyes showed anger. Lunatone, Hypno and Chimecho got intimidated a little, but remained still.

-“That must be the leader”-, said Ivan mentally to Max, -“don’t let your guard down”-.

-“Go Nuzleaf!”-, another Grunt said, freeing a little Grass Pokémon. This one had a very mischievous face and was more than ready to fight.

-“Go Sableye!”-, the last Grunt freed a very weird looking Pokémon. This one looked more impish than the Nuzleaf, showing its sharp fangs with a naughty smile.

-“I’ll take care of them”-, said Ivan mentally again to Max,-“just sneak past them and free the Pokémon”-.
With that, Ivan released his other two Pokémon. One of them was recognizable: a Gardevoir. However, this one was blue instead of green, and emitted a soft shine. It looked very serious, facing the three Dark Pokémon. Lunatone then floated near Gardevoir, supporting it. On the other hand, the second Pokémon was a mystery. It was small, with a round face and very short legs. It was crowned by five feathers, each with a different color. In one of its hands it carried a stick similar to a magician’s scepter. His face, always smiling, was even more mischievous than Sableye’s one.

-“Ok guys! Greet them with a Shadow Ball!”-, the three Grunts ordered.

-“Torna, repel them with a Blizzard”-, Ivan commanded the little shaman Pokémon, who then jumped in front of its companions and created a massive, violent snow storm. The Shadow Balls were dissipated immediately and the three Dark Pokémon were sent hard over the wall. Nuzleaf fainted.

-“Oh no!”-, the leader of the Grunts was now doubting about winning this battle.

Meanwhile, Max, Hypno and Chimecho crawled near the cage. Ralts was very happy and tears fell down its little face.

-“Don’t worry Ralts, I’m gonna take you out of there!”- But how, thought Max. How could he break those bars? He tried a Psychic attack from Hypno, but the bars just vibrated, repelling the attack.

-“Max, it seems that Psychic attacks don’t affect this bars!”-, Chimecho’s sweet voice echoed into Max’s head, -“maybe we should use other kind of attacks”-.

-“Do you know any non-Psychic attack guys?”-, Max questioned.

-“Well”-, said Hypno, -“Ivan taught me Fire Punch and taught Chimecho Icy Wind”-.

-“Mmmm… hey!, I’ve got and idea!”, Max said,-“Hypno, hit that bar with your Fire Punch!”-

Hypno gathered his heat on his right hand and pounded the bar hardly.

-“Now Chimecho blow and Icy Wind where Hypno landed the hit”-.

Chimecho’s voice turned into a chilling breeze, frosting the still hot bar.

-“Keep hitting it with those attacks alternatively!”-. A few more hits broke the bar in two. Then they moved over the next bar.

-“Mightyena, Crunch that Hypno!”-. With an amazing speed, the hyena Pokémon crunched Hypno’s arm. It screamed with pain.-“I won’t let you take our Pokémon!”-, the Grunt growled.

-“Gardevoir, stop Mightyena with your Magical Leaf!”-, Ivan’s voice lost his serenity.

Quickly, the shining Pokémon summoned razor leafs and fired them towards the Mightyena. It howled in pain and fainted, still weak due to Torna’s Blizzard.

-“Hypno, are you okay?”-, a worried Max stepped near the tapir Pokémon,-“Chimecho, use your Heal Bell over Hypno’s arm”-.

The voice of Chimecho echoed inside its own body, producing sweet waves that seemed to dig into Hypno’s arm, rejoining the damaged skin and flesh.

-“Hit that Chimecho with another Shadow Ball Sableye!”-, the last Grunt commanded enraged.

His Sableye stood up, growling deeply, gathering a black orb within its hands and blasting it towards the unwary Chimecho. The little chime was hit and felt fainted. Ivan’s rage seemed to grow.

-“Lunatone, shoot your Ice Beam to that Sableye!”-. By the first time, Ivan commanded the attack with a voice full of fury.

Sableye instantly fainted after the hit frosted part of its ghostly skin. The Grunts ran away, cursing Ivan and Max for losing and claiming revenge. After that, Ivan settled down, picking up his wounded Chimecho. Then his face turned from a dark gaze to a shining smile, looking at Max and Ralts there, hugging each other and exchanging tears of happiness.

 

[indigestible_wad]

First of all, I am very impressed. A newbie writer who has developed this much of a nack for grammar and writing deserves a pat on the back. Of course, this does not mean that this was by any means perfect. Just better than the average newbie story.

First of all, the story is quite cliche. You've got the traditional "you're going to be late" speech in the morning he forgets to wake up. Then you've got the traditional all of the pokemon are gone thing as well. I will admit that going for ralts is a new spin on things, but it isn't nearly big enough to make much of a difference in how cliche the story actually is.

Your grammar is a bit flawed. I won't pretend it isn't. But I won't go into that now because I really don't feel like having to go through all of it. I woudl suggest rechecking it over again and then double checking it with Microsoft Word.

The description is decent. You can tell what things are, even if it is only half described. You hould also try not to make so many simplified versions of pieces of the story unless you are going to make that piece of the story like that. You can't just switch from telling what they're doing specifically with what they're doing in general at that time without switching it in the right way. And the correct way is not how you did it.

Then there's the length. As many of the people before me have said, your lenth gives much to be improved. People don't want a short story. If they did, it would just be a one-shot wouldn't it? Now you can continue this story if you want to, but I would suggest just making another one. Why? Because this story isn't going to get any better, no matter how much you try to make it. You have already started the cliche trainer story, you can't change it.

Don't worry though. It seems to me that with a little more practice writing and figuring out what and what not to do, you should be able to become one of the more pronounced authours here or in the very least a decent writer.