• Hi all. We have had reports of member's signatures being edited to include malicious content. You can rest assured this wasn't done by staff and we can find no indication that the forums themselves have been compromised.

    However, remember to keep your passwords secure. If you use similar logins on multiple sites, people and even bots may be able to access your account.

    We always recommend using unique passwords and enable two-factor authentication if possible. Make sure you are secure.
  • Be sure to join the discussion on our discord at: Discord.gg/serebii
  • If you're still waiting for the e-mail, be sure to check your junk/spam e-mail folders

N.E.T.H.A.N.I.E.L. A Pokemon Story

Status
Not open for further replies.

Soberheartless

Well-Known Member
This story is Rated R for its content. Some chapters include foul language, sexual content, abuse, and other adult contents. If you are under eighteen, or just don’t have the guts to read a story like this, press back to go to the forum page. This is N.E.T.H.A.N.I.E.L.

10 YEARS AGO

“OH! OH! GIVE IT TO ME!” Demi shouted in pleasure.

“Uh, Uh, Uh, I’m about to ***! I’m about to ***! I’m bout to ***!” Gary managed to squeeze in from panting.

“UH, UH, I’m about to *** too!” Demi shouted.

The two were making love on the bed of their blue Pallet Town house. It was evening, around 7:30.

“OOOOOHHHHHHHH!” Gary released his load into Demi’s vagina and Demi had an orgasm immediately after.

“Love you *****,” Gary gave Demi a kiss on the forehead and stood up off the bed, wiping the *** off his ****.

“That was fun. We have to do it more often, I’m happy our first time was with each other.” Demi laughed and lay on the bed stretched out naked. Demi was a light skinned Hispanic. She had red hair and was 18, just graduating high school. She had a nose-ring and both ears pierced. Her eyes glowed crystal blue.

“Yeah, whatever.” Gary was a white man, with black hair. He had no accessories, except for the fact that he had a hat that he always carried with him. His favorite color was red. He loved science. He constantly tried to experiment everything. This experiment was the experiment of sex. Gary put on his boxers.

“Pass my boxers,” Gary nonchalantly said to Demi.

Demi laughed and said jokingly “Ask nicer,” and Gary ignored her. He put on his clothes.

“Hey baby, where are you going?” Demi asked laughing, still fizzed up from her orgasm.

“Out, hey didn’t I tell you to give me my hat.” Gary’s voice was serious.

“Okay Mr. Serious, here’s your hat.” Demi handed him his hat while laughing.

“Bye-bye Gary,” Demi laughed.

“I’m going to miss you baby,” Gary whispered under his breath. He reached over to still-naked Demi and tongue kissed her straight for 10 seconds. Gary ran out the door with his red hat in his hand. Demi laid back on her bed, laughing.

10 YEARS LATER

“Nico, wake up! It’s time for breakfast!” Demi called to her son.

“Uuh, I’m up.” Nico rose from bed in his thermals and went straight downstairs.

“What do you want?” Nico asked as though he was irritated.

“Boy, don’t you talk to me like that!” Demi gave him a slap across the face. Nico puffed up his mouth as if he was going to punch back, and balled his fists.

“I’m sick and tired of you! God! Just stop acting like a *****!” Demi looked at him and this time punched him in the stomach.

“Oh my god!” Nico managed to say after loss of air traveling in his stomach.

He dropped to the floor, holding his stomach and beginning to cry.

“Now get your Hispanic *** up to the bathroom, and brush your teeth, your breath smells like a rat’s ***! You better wash it with soap too, calling me a *****.” Nico managed to stand up, and climbed the stairs to the bathroom. Demi had stress lines under her eyes, and had gained a lot of weight. She decided to make her hair partially black and red now. She was 28 now, and a single mother after Gary ‘went out’ and never came back.

“I can’t believe I was that stupid.” Demi started to cry into her hands as she started to remember what had happened on that day. He was her first, and he left her all by herself, getting her pregnant with their son and left town so Demi couldn’t contact him for charges. Demi cried harder and harder. Nico came out the bathroom and saw his mom crying.

“Mom, don’t cry.” Nico had a tough exterior, but on the inside was a real sweet boy. He went to church for his whole life, but at the same time has been exposed to a lot of criminal like things. Nico wrapped his arms around his mom.

“If it makes you feel better, I’m sorry about calling you a *****.” Demi cried harder and harder. She dried her face, and hugged her son.

“Go eat your breakfast; I have something to show you.” Demi’s face began to light up.

“Okay, whatever,” Nico had a sharp black Mohawk. His left ear was pierced, and he also has a nose-ring. After Nico ate his favorite, pancakes, he asked Demi, “Mom, what did you want to show me?”

“Okay baby, come here.” Demi lead him to the back of their house where their garden was.

“I bought a plant, see, it has a bulb on it, I think it is going to sprout soon and be a beautiful flower.” Demi was happy. Nico looked at his mom. He felt like saying that he didn’t give for some plant. His mom seemed really happy, and Nico said “It’s great mom, the best present.” Demi hugged his son. CRACK! Someone broke in through the front window. Nico grabbed a machete from his pocket.

“Where did you get that machete? You know we’re a Christian family!” Demi scolded her son.

“Mom please, this is important. The criminal who broke in walked into the garden unaware of them in the back.

“AAAH!” The man dropped dead as blood started to trickle down his body.

Nico yanked his machete out of the stranger’s heart.

“Oh my god Nethaniel Collins! You just committed homicide.”

“No I didn’t mom. No one will know about this,” Nico said as he quickly buried his victim in their garden.

“Make sure you don’t nudge the plant,” Demi repeatedly said until the body was buried. They went back into the house.

“Nico, you can’t just go around killing people, you know that. It would break their girlfriend’s heart, like Gary did to me.” Demi began to cry again. Nico truly did love his mom, even if he was disrespectful at times. He absolutely hated everything that made his mom angry however.

“Mom, it’s over. The only mistake that you made was thinking you made a mistake.” Nico was not good at complimenting and comforting, but good at insulting and being uncomforting.

“Baby, come outside to the garden, we didn’t even have a good look at the criminal.” Demi took her son back into the garden.

“Okay, let me dig up the body,” Nico took the lead and with his bare hands dug into the soil, and dug up the body.

“OH MY GOD,” Demi was surprised.

“What, what’s wrong mama,” Nico stuttered. He was scared. “Is this man a cop, a mayor, the president?!” Nico’s tone rose intensely.

“No baby, he’s the person who sold me the plant for $700! I was going to get a return!”

“Wait, what? You were going to return it! Wait a minute, what!” Nico was going through so many emotions.

“Son, calm down,” Demi was trying to sound calm.

“MOM, DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WAS $700! The economy is not as good as it used to be! That was all we had to pay our mortgage, the light bill, everything! Man, where did you even find this guy?” Nico was upset.

“Now Nico, I understand that you are upset, but you have to understand that I was really sad, and I needed something to make me happy.”

“Oh, so you go buy some plant and get ripped off,” Nico punched the wall. “You know what, where is that plant,” Nico was looking around restlessly.

“Nethaniel, don’t you dare touch that plant!” Demi’s voice was serious. Nico went into the garden and hit the plant with a shovel!

“NETHANIEL!” Demi looked at him with great bitterness.

“I had to do it mom, I just had to do it,”

“Wait a minute, did you hear that?” Demi cut Nico off.

“No, hear what?” Nico was curious.

Demi pointed toward the plant. “That plant just growled at you when you hit it.” Demi looked very surprised.

“Mom, are you getting crazy on me?” Nethaniel was worried.

“No, no, I know I’m not crazy,” Demi ran to the plant and pulled out a green looking animal plant thing. It had eyes, a nose and four legs, but yet it had a plant on the back of its body.

“AAAHHH,” Demi screamed and dropped the plant-animal thing.

“Umm, mom, what is that?” Nico asked.

“Son, just kill it with your machete!” Demi picked it up herself and threw it towards the plant-animal.

It ran out the way and growled again. It ran away, jumping over the fence and going into neighbor’s yards.

“Good, that thing is out of here,” Demi looked relieved.

“Mom, there’s another problem, that thing is going to cause trouble down the neighborhood.” Nico seemed to be pretty interested in the thing. He chased after it.

“Nico Wait,” Demi said.

“What?”

“Don’t leave your mama out on an adventure, let’s go!” Nico smiled and raced off to get the plant-animal.

“You know Nico; your father would’ve loved that thing. He was so interested in science.”

“I know mom, hey, there it is!” Nico pointed to the sleeping plant-animal. It was plopped right over a manhole. Nico crept quietly trying not to wake the animal. Then, it woke up, and glared at him with its big eyes. Then, all of a sudden the manhole broke open and the animal fell into the sewer!

“NO,” Nico jumped in after it.

“Nico!” Demi stretched out her hand trying to save her son, but her hand just missed his grip and he fell in. He was knocked unconscious.

4 DAYS LATER

“Huh, where am I?” Nico stood up looking around. He saw green. That was all he saw. There was green mucus, green mold, everything was green. The thing that was really peculiar was the green animal nudging him, to make sure he was conscious.

“Oh, hello little fella,” Nico patted the animal, thinking it was a dog.

“Bulba, Bulbasaur,” the animal cried.

“Woah, you even talk! Amazing! I have got to show this to mom, I just wonder where she is.”

Nico sounded unsure and woozy. Nico stood up and started walking.

“Wait a minute, what?” It all came back to Nico just then. He had fallen through and has been unconscious.

“That animal, that animal did this.” Nico began to sprint as far away as he could. The animal quickly chased after him, like it was his dog.

“Get away from me, you mutated thing!” Nico ran along the sewer lines, where he found a flier. It said, “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS KID:” and it showed a picture of Nico. The paper looked quite rumpled and forgotten. He began to think, was he forgotten? Anger started to fill his bones.

“You, you did this!” He turned around and started to chase the animal. The animal, thinking this was quite fun, ran away- keeping persistent in the chase.

“Stop running, come back here!” Nico pulled his machete out of his pocket. He aimed it for the animal and threw. It cut the bulb! The animal fell to the floor, and started to weep.

“Bulba, Bulbasaur!” The animal cried tears of pain, and stood there as blood began to trickle down its body.

“Good for you, you should take another one!”

Nico swung his arm high, and was about to stab it again. When his hand was about 3 centimeters away from the bulb, Nico froze.

“I can’t do this,” Nico took the machete and threw it in the sewage system.

He began to walk away, when the animal’s weeping caught his attention.

He turned around, and saw the animals shrivel up. He saw the blood on the floor. He wasn’t a doctor, but he knew blood was good. He took the blood and started to put it in the bulb. The animal’s pain grew less, but then more blood escaped its body and it shrieked. Nico then made the connection that this bulb made this animal survive. He got some scotch tape, and taped the spot on the animal’s bulb.

“There, that should make it better, now come here,” Nico stretched his arms out for a hug, and the animal stood on its hind legs, resting his front legs on Nico’s hands. His hands were not cold and bitter, they were soft and loving.

“Bulba, Bulbasaur,” the animal was happy. Nico lifted it up, and carried it. He started to walk with it in his hands. He had lost all his maddening emotions. He looked up, and saw a strand of light. It was an open-manhole! It was the exact manhole that he had fallen through! He climbed it, and ran home, holding the animal tight, in joy.

At the doorstep, he looked through the window, when he saw his mom laughing with another boy. This boy seemed to be the exact age as Nico, and she patted him and Nico even heard Demi say “I love you baby,” Nico became angry again. His mom had no problem replacing him.

“Bulba, Bulbasaur,” the animal complained from being squeezed too tight.

“You know what, get on out of here.” Nico put it down gently, and motioned for it to run away.

“Bulba?” the animal was confused.

“Go on, shoo,” Nico really wanted it to go.

“Bulba,” the animal looked sad as it ran down the block, clearly noticing that it wasn’t wanted. Nico bust in through the door and demanded an answer to his question: Who is this?

“Oh my god, Trey, this is Nico! Oh my gosh! I didn’t know you would still be alive! It’s been 4 days!” Demi started to hug and kiss her son.

“NO mom, who is Trey?” Nico looked upset.

“Honey, he’s just someone I started talking to,”

“Mom, how could you find another son to replace me, your real son, with?”

Nico’s eyes started to full up with tears. “Now I know how that thing feels like,”

“What thing baby?”

“None of your business, I’m leaving this place.” Nico ran upstairs.

“Baby, I love you. I could never replace you as my son.”

“That is exactly what you said to Trey ” he said Trey’s name funny.

“Excuse me; I would like to know what’s going on? Demi,”

“Don’t call my momma by her first name; a son could never do that.” Nico had a tone in his voice that was extremely bitter.

“Son? Excuse me; I’m her new boyfriend ,” Trey said. This was like playing a violin with broken strings to Nico’s ears.

“Mom, a new boyfriend, this is low for the both of you, you know what- I’m staying, but I am going to my room, and don’t expect me to come out for a couple of hours,” Nico started to walk down the hall to his room.

“Before you go to your room, take a shower, you smell like a rat’s ***.” Demi added. Nico didn’t answer. Demi and Trey sat on the couch watching television. No one spoke. The next morning, Nico started spying on his mom, and he saw her kissing Trey. Already, he didn’t like her new boyfriend.

“Okay mom,” he made himself known.

“Nethaniel, what the hell are you doing in my room this early morning? Oh my lord, you’re unbelievable.”

“No mom, you are. I bet my father is not as bad as you thought he was, so I’m going to find him and give him a big punch for my mom. I packed my bags and had breakfast, so I’m seeing this Professor guy who lives on the other side of Pallet Town, where a big sign divides the town.”

“What sign?”

“You know; the sign that has a ball, with a button on the middle, and top half of the ball is red, and the bottom half white, that’s a dumb color scheme for a handball.”

“Sure is,”

Nico opened the door to leave.

“Wait,” Demi said.

Nico turned around.

“You don’t have to do this,”

“I know, but I want to, and I will come back. Just promise me that when I come back, you won’t be crying when Trey gets you pregnant and I have a baby sister or brother.”

“Now hold on a second,” Trey tried to join, but Demi pushed him back.

“Well Nico, you’re an eleven year old boy, who thinks he can make it in the real world on his own, so you can create your own life. Trey has a job; he’ll pay off the $700. Just do one thing.”

“What?”

“Make sure you punch him real hard for mama, got it?”

“Got it” Nico ran up to his mom and gave her a hug. And then he ran out the house, and onto the other side of Pallet Town.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Like it? That is my first chapter! Review, and please be nice!
 

Diddy

Renegade
Assuming the... er... "scene" you wrote at the start was Ten Years ago from the present day in which Nico is getting his "hispanic arse" out of bed, how...

“Well Nico, you’re an eleven year old boy,

...is he eleven?

lolwut?

And pointless sex scene served what purpose?

And since when do parents let their children have machetes?

It's not exactly badly written, there aren't exactly any glaring errors, but there are just so many "whuh" moments. Time confusion notwithstanding.

“I know mom, hey, there it is!” Nico pointed to the sleeping plant-animal. It was plopped right over a manhole. Nico crept quietly trying not to wake the animal. Then, it woke up, and glared at him with its big eyes. Then, all of a sudden the manhole broke open and the animal fell into the sewer!"

That was kind of bland description wise and the action was really poor to be honest. "Then, it woke up!" you're just telling us what the animal did rather than showing us what it did, hence the age old writing mantra "Show, don't Tell"

Also, animals who get stabbed by people are unlikely to forgive them or go with them for any reason, probably due to a lack of higher cognitive function. They would most likely A. Run away scared or B. Maul the hell out of Nico.

and seriously, lastly, homicide really? this kid can't kill a weird mutated plant creature but doesn't bat and eyelid when it comes to people? There's R Rated and then there's just silly.

EDIT: And I mean a BIG EDIT:

No seriously, you don't understand how much of an omission this is: How does a kid from Pallet Town in the pokémon universe, NOT know about Pokémon?
 
Last edited:

Psychic

Really and truly
Okay, we have a couple problems here, starting from some very basic things. We firstly ask that all new members read the rules of the forums they visit, as we have specific regulations about everything ranging from signatures to the types of fics you are allowed to post. Aside from your signature picture being too big, you cannot post R-rated fics without permission from a moderator. And a fic that starts with a needless sex scene is most likely not going to get approval.

I’d also like to take a look at your fic itself; it does have something of an interesting premise, with a kid choosing to start his journey in order to find his father and escape problems at home. I also found it cute that the mom went and bought a ridiculously expensive plant which she happily shows off but realizes she has to return, only to find out that it’s a living creature that the main character ends up getting stuck with. It’s an interesting blend of a dark situation with some light-hearted moments, so kudos on that. Your grammar and punctuation is also looking great and you aren’t making the mistakes many writers fall into. The only thing is that you need to put a comma whenever someone is being addressed, like “okay, baby” or “what’s wrong, mom?” You’re doing great otherwise.


While it is pretty good for the most part, there are some big problems with your story-telling, however, lying mainly in inconsistency and a lack of knowledge of what you’re talking about. This isn’t a terrible thing, but it means that you do need to proofread your work better to be consistent, and read up a little more on some things. Your inexperience shows in the writing, making some of the things that happen somewhat difficult to believe. I’ll explain from the beginning.

Let’s talk about your sex scene for a moment. I don’t know if you have ever had sex, but not only did both of them sound a bit too experienced, but that did not sound like an after-sex conversation, especially if it was their first time. Demi would most likely have been annoyed at Gary for speaking to her that way, as well as for literally getting dressed a second after climaxing – few people have much energy to even stand up right after sex, never mind running away. You also do not need to say that they “tongue kissed” or how many seconds they did it for – most kissing is with tongue anyway and will often last longer than a few seconds, so these details just sound silly and immature.

There is, however, one big question we need to ask here: is this scene necessary? Is it really a scene that the reader needs to see in order to understand the entire story? Because it really just looks like it’s there for the shock factor, or to make your story seem more mature. But honestly, if sex, swearing and blood are just there for the sake of it, most people see it as being bad taste, and they won’t be impressed. If you don’t have a lot of experience or skill in writing these kinds of scenes, you should really avoid them, because it will usually just look silly in the end – the trick is to write what you know and are good at. Either way, a reader does not need to see the scene in which the main character was conceived, so this really serves no purpose and adds nothing to your narrative.


The other big thing is the relationship between Demi and Nico. The two of them go from being really nice and family-like to yelling and swearing at one another without provocation. From the getgo, Demi gets angry and physically assaults her son just because he says “what do you want?” which really makes no sense. This sort of thing continues throughout their interactions, and just make zero sense – people don’t go from one emotion to the next in two seconds flat, just because of a few words. You may want to reconsider Nico’s relationship with his mother to make it a little less outrageous – you do seem to have a nice dynamic going on right now where he clearly cares deeply for her, even though they get mad at one another really easily.

Additionally, Demi’s tendency to randomly get upset over the man who left her eleven years ago is ridiculous. Realistically, this is not something a mother thinks about every five minutes and gets all emo and cries about. She would have moved on by now and worked to forget about it, rather than thinking about him three times in one day.



Aside from those, you do have a few other little logical errors which simply don’t make a lot of sense, but could easily be fixed.

- People don’t break into houses in the middle of the day. It’s the fastest way for people to find out your identity and get caught. It also seems strange that it happens to be the guy who sold Demi the plant, but it seems like there may be some reason for this, like he’s trying to get Bulbasaur back? Sounds interesting if you want to build on it. :>

- Eleven-year-old kids in urban neighbourhoods don’t wield machetes, and the weapon is WAY too big to keep in a pocket. Do a Google image search and you’ll see. Also, it makes little sense for an eleven-year-old’s first instinct to be to chase and kill the man, not even bothering to question him or call the cops. That just does not make sense. As I said, gore =/= mature.

- Manhole covers don’t break easily – that’s why cars and big trucks are able to drive over them. For a 15-pound Bulbasaur to break it, and then for a kid to jump into the sewers after it...doesn’t make much sense. And then you sort of forgot to mention the stuff inside sewers, which is sewage water, aka poop-water. It would smell awful, the muk would get in your shoes, and it is not a place you would want to go or run around in. But since Demi saw him fall in, wouldn’t it make sense for her to call the police to rescue him? He’s been gone for four days, and she knows where he is. Why wouldn’t she get help?

- No, Nico may not be a doctor, but he should know that you can’t put blood back inside an open wound because it could infect and kill, especially after being on the dirty ground. Additionally, scotch tape does not work as a bandage, though I don’t know why he has scotch tape on him in the first place.

-I don’t know why Nico would think his mother had gotten a new son, but it’s VERY creepy that a 28-year-old woman is dating a boy her son’s age, especially since it’s a prepubescent boy. But this is a really, really weird time for her to suddenly get on the dating scene. This is a strange way to react to her son’s disappearance, especially when, upon his return, she goes back to telling him how much he smells. Talk about a mean mom. :/

- And, as Diddy mentioned...how do people living in the Pokémon world not know what Pokémon or Pokéballs are? I can understand not recognizing a Bulbasaur (in fact I really liked that whole little plot about thinking it was a plant and waiting for it to bloom, haha), but to know nothing about Pokémon just seems a little much.



Anyway, it’s not a bad fic – you have some very interesting ideas which you could have fun building on. Your writing is pretty good and you do a nice job telling a story, but your main problem is that you just write a lot of things that don’t make sense. You need to think things through logically a little more, or just try to avoid writing what you don’t know about, because it shows. You do seem to be somewhat knowledgeable in some aspects, however, and you really do have some interesting dynamics going on, so I would encourage you to continue with them.

I’m going to close this since it does break the rules and includes a sex scene we don’t allow here, but I do hope you’ll give it another try and think about what’s been said here. You’ve got the potential, so go for it!

~Psychic
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top