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Naruto Fanfiction 2

HELLO! I’m Byakugan Tenten, yes the original author of A Naruto Summer, the worst fanfic I thought of. Anyhoo, this is yet another Naruto fanfic.

Please don’t flame, make rude comments or anything of the sort. It makes me feel bad when people do. Thank you, also to add to that I have control of the keyboard MUAHAHAHAHAAHAHA! +Ahem+

This fanfic is COMPLETELY ORIGINAL! I thought of it one day while listening to some random dance music, please do not pm me saying you stole (Insert name here)’s story! Anyway I thought of it and decided to post it on here. Please excuse the spelling, grammar and any other mistakes that might occur in this fanfic. Thank you for reading this fanfic!

Shippings in this fic include – Naruto x Hinata, Sasuke x Sakura, Neji x Tenten, Shikamaru x Ino, Kakashi x Kurenai, Shino x Temari, Kiba x MUC, Chouji x MUC and that’s about all for now. ON WITH THE FANFIC!

“YOU WANT ME TO WHAT?” The blond woman said slamming her hand down on the wooden desk.

A woman with blood red eyes looked up at the furious blond, “Tsunade-sama, please approve of it.”

“What makes you think I’m going to do that?”

“To put it blunt, Gai thought we should help the ninja’s here bloom their youth or something like that, you know how Gai is….”

“Kurenai, where exactly is this exactly going to take place?”

“I’m thinking of putting it outside near the cherry blossom trees.”

“Great idea and then we can go all willy-nilly. NO!”

“Tsunade, you can be a part of the planning and of the ninja’s blooming thing.” A man with silver hair smirked underneath his mask that is if you can see underneath the mask…

“Kakashi, so I’m guessing Gai is here as well.”

“Yes, he is over there.” Kakashi pointed over to the door and there stood a spandex wearing, black bowl cutted, big eye browed man.

“Gai, Kakashi, Kurenai and Asuma.” Asuma immediately perked up from smoking his cigarette and looked at the Hokage. “This will be your mission, I will approve of it but I don’t want to get involved. If anything, anything, ANYTHING gets a little out of hand, I’ll help you BUT we must keep this to ourselves, Iruka might get a little annoyed that were doing this so keep your distance.”

The jonins nodded and walked out of the Hokage’s office discussing how they are going to do this.

“If we tell our groups today when shall we have the actual ‘thing’.”

“Kakashi don’t rush into things like that. First what we need to do is figure out when we could have the ‘thing’.”

Kakashi sighed, I just said that…”What if we have it in one week? It seems reasonable and also it gives them time to find dates. I will leave the decorations to you, Kurenai. Gai, Asuma and I are going to just help the boys find their-”

“THEIR INNNER YOUTH RIGHT?” Gai screamed nearly making Kurenai fall over.

“Right Gai.” The four jonins poofed out of sight and to their teams, snickering about how they will react to this fabulous plan they made.

Chapter One WHAT!? HAVE TO DANCE?

At Team Kakashi,

The blond boy was sitting on the snowy white ground trying not to break out yelling at the navy haired boy, “SASUKE-TEME! I’M GONNA KILL YOU!” Apparently it didn’t work.

“DOBE! YOU MISSED ME!”

The pink haired girl sat watching the two rivals throw snow at each other until the jonin came to break them up as usual.

“SASUKE-KUN! PLEASE STOP!”

Sasuke kept on beating up the blond boy and kicking the crud out of him, “NARUTO YOU BAKA!” The pink haired girl screamed looked at Naruto, “YOU DON”T HAVE A CHANCE OF BEATING SASUKE!”

Naruto looked at the pink haired girl and nervously laughed, “Sas-Sask-Sakura-chan….” Sasuke smirked, kicked Naruto right in…well let’s just say he kicked him.

Sakura laughed hysterically seeing as Naruto was completely a fool trying to beat the number one Uchiha. Kakashi then poofed right next to Naruto and waved, “Hello there.”

“YOU ARE LATE AGAIN!”

“Sakura, A black cat crossed my path and I had to take the long way.”

“Pshh yeah right!” Sakura scoffed and stood, “So what are training for today Kakashi?”

Sasuke and Naruto walked over and looked at the jonin, “Well I have a bit of news from the Hokage.”

Naruto hyperly jumped up and down like Neji on Pixie Stix, really scary I know.

“NARUTO LISTEN FOR ONCE!” Sakura yelled at the blond kyuubi.

“Well as I was saying Tsunade, has made a formal Christmas dance. All chunin are going to go whether they like it or not. The boys must find a date and wear formal clothing, girl must find a date and wear formal clothing as well.”

Sakura’s eyes sparkled seeing her and Sasuke dance, he is never going to ask me out, I know that for a fact. Most likely he will be taking someone, pity date most likely! CHA!

Kakashi almost went away as fast as he came, “So Sasuke, who are you taking for the dance?”

“Hn.”

Sakura looked at Sasuke for an answer, “What was that? I couldn’t hear you…”

“…”

“Are you ignoring me?”

“Maybe, what’s it to you….”

Sakura pouted and stormed off to talk to the girls about getting some kimonos together.

Sasuke and Naruto sat in the snow for about ten to fifteen minutes in complete silence, “Sasuke-teme, who ARE you taking for the dance?”

“Shut up Dobe.” Sasuke walked off brushing off Naruto like a piece of dirt.

At Team Kurenai

A boy with his dog were sitting on the frozen ground waiting for their jonin to come, a girl with bluish-purple hair was pacing back and forth.

“Hinata-chan what are you doing?”

“P-p-pacing t-to keep o-n k-keeping w-warm.” Hinata mumbled her jacket apparently didn’t keep her warm enough.

A boy with a very large tan jacket was examining a beetle when POOF! Kurenai pops in and looks at the very quiet and freezing group. “Hello! Well I have an announcement.”

“WE ARE GOING TO A WARMER SPOT?” Kiba jumped up.

“No Kiba now sit back down. The Hokage has stated that we are going to have a dance…ball…thingy.”

Hinata looked at her sensei, “D-Dance?”

“Yes the boys and girls are to dress formally and they must have a date. Also ALL chunin are to be there. Hope you all have fun!” Kurenai said waving and poofing away as fast as she came.

“So Shino who are you going to take?”

“…” That meant ‘someone’

“Really? I couldn’t have guessed!” Kiba said playing around. “No seriously who?”

“…” ment ‘Shut up Kiba before I sick my bugs on you.

Kiba backed away slowly and looked at Hinata who was pacing faster than before,

“Hinata-chan you ok?”

“hm? Y-Yeah….j-just a l-little….s-s-s-sc-c-scared….”

“Hn?” Kiba looked at her, She is acting a bit different I wonder what the other teams think of this…

At Team Asuma,

“WHAT?!” A blond and a hair cut-shaped pineapple screamed.

“Now, now Shikamaru and Ino. Is it that bad?”

“YES!” the pair yelled yet again.

Asuma just smirked, Gai might ACTUALLY have a good idea for this. “All boys MUST take a girl and wear formal clothes. ALL chunins are coming to it whether they like it or not. Girls and boys are to dress formal, have fun!” Asuma quickly poofed away before Ino could kill him.

“How troublesome…”

“I’M GOING TO KILL THE JONINS THE MOMENT I CAN!”

Shikamaru backed away from the angry blond, “So Shikamaru, anyone special you are taking?” A rather….big boy asked.

“No Chouji, what about you?”

“Nah, I think I might just skip it…I don’t know…” He munched on his chips…(A/N Where does he get all of his chips?)

Shikamaru sighed and walked away from the team and sat on a snow covered log and just looked at Ino and Chouji who were arguing over something REALLY stupid.

At Gai’s Team,

Tenten and Neji were leaning up against a tree that was covered in snow and Lee and Gai were having their stupid running, wave splashing, hugging thing every time they see each other.

Tenten and Neji sighed and then everything was normal until, “AWESOME! YOUTH BLOSSOMING OF TEAM GAI SHALL PREVAIL ABOVE EVERYONE ELSE!” Lee screamed rather loud.

Tenten’s mouth was open and gaping at Gai’s announcement, “Your joking aren’t you?”

Gai shook his head, “THE MAN OF YOUTH NEVER LIES!”

Neji just smirked, “Hn.”

Tenten just looked so surprised to find out about this, “I MUST GO FIND THE GIRLS SO WE CAN GET OUR FORMAL KIMONOS!” Tenten hurriedly rushed off to find Sakura, Hinata and Ino.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

The girls walked along the snow covered ground and talked about this horrid situation,

“You know Ino, Sasuke is going to ask me to the dance.”

“SHUT UP FOREHEAD!”

“MAKE ME PIG!”

Tenten whacked them over the head with her hand, “You know this is probably Gai’s idea, just the sensei’s are going along with it. How do you think the boys feel about this?”

“Devastated.” Ino simply put.

“Troublesome and stupid.” Sakura said

“H-Happy…” Hinata calmly stated

“I think the boys would be kind of confused since they don’t know how to ask a girl anyway.”

The girls nodded at that and all of them sat down on a snow-covered bench, “So I have an idea….”

Sakura, Ino and Hinata seemed interested on what Tenten had in mind, “What if we…


How did everyone like the chappie? Please review and rate my story! If you read my story please post how well you think I did! Second Chapter coming soon!

~ BT ~
 

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
...

I am a Naruto fan.

And your 'fanfic' makes me gag :/ your atrocious half assed writing, makes me gag. Did you even attempt to keep the characters IN CHARACTER and don't you know how to describe them? Or delve into their emotions better? God, I'd rather watch the anime than read this. And I really don't much like the anime- I am a fan of the manga.

“NARUTO LISTEN FOR ONCE!” Sakura yelled at the blond kyuubi.

Sakura doesn't find out about Naruto untill after the 3 year time jump in the manga :/ and Naruto isn't really the Kyuubi. It'd be like calling Sasuke 'itachi' or something, just because he's related to Itachi.

... and acts like him ...

Anyways.

I suggest you actually try harder :/
 

Lily

you were the one.
Hmm..I like Naruto. =D

First thing that's wrong: Tsunade's anger. It was sudden, overreacted, aaand I highly doubt she'd be that irked at a simple dance. I dearly wish you could've explained a tad bit more on the dance itself, since that's obviously the primary concept of this story. You also need to learn consistency; don't let the characters run off on a tangent and act overly dramatic..contrary to popular belief, it makes them seem even more unreal.

You also need to fix those dialogue errors...>>

Another qualm I had is your constant abuse of the fourth wall. It's nice, for all humor purposes, but overusing it? It ruins the atmosphere. Try avoiding the author's note, too. If you really need it, they go in the beginning of the story..interrupting a perfectly good ongoing plot, imo, isn't that tactical.

Overall, you could've done better, maybe add a shred of practicality or two. Good luck in the future. ^_^;
 

grodon909

quicksand!
Yami Ryu said:
...




Sakura doesn't find out about Naruto untill after the 3 year time jump in the manga :/ and Naruto isn't really the Kyuubi. It'd be like calling Sasuke 'itachi' or something, just because he's related to Itachi.

... and acts like him ...

well, for one thing i thought it was quite good. also, some people like other than mizuki probably secretly call naruto the nine-tailed fox or kyuubi. also, you can't compare the nauto-kyuubi relationship the same as sauske and itachi's relation ship. kyuubi is more of a parasite, using naruto as a host





Byakugan Tenten said:
...
“NARUTO LISTEN FOR ONCE!” Sakura yelled at the blond kyuubi.

that does not nessesarily mean that she herself was calling naruto the kyuubi,
but Byakugan Tenten was.
i did notice that the characters were not completly themselves though. the fanfic itself i liked. it was fine to me anyways

edit. i saw one more mistake. only shikamaru is a chunnin before sauske leaves
 
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Road

Shiny Master
Not bad, BT. Plot's good so far, and it's a good fic overall, and I love how you used the "Neji and Pixie Stick" idea, (most people probably didn't get it, since it's from a different fic, (the fic link's later in my post, actually)). ^^

To all others: C'mon, people, it FANFICTION. How many fics have you read that the characters are actually themselves? For me, none. All the characters are OOC. Like in this fic. Did you guys even notice that she asked not to flame?

*Ahem* Sorry, not trying to start a war, but you could be a bit nicer. ^^;

P.S. Like I said in the last thread for a fic of yours: I'll proofread your chapters for you if you want. Y'know, to get all the grammar problems out?
 

Lily

you were the one.
@ Mina~~~

In this case, altruism is the worst possible form of flattery. Ever. If attempting a Naruto fanfiction, the 'fans' will obviously expect the writer to express their personalities mostly similar to the original. For example, if one tries to recreate Sasuke as a preppy, obnoxious, inarticulate character, of course the readers will find their will to say something against it. Despite every writer making the characters OOC, whether out of subtle variations of sheer blatancy, they do try to keep them in touch, as to perpetually convey that part of Naruto we all enjoy. The only time this can be evaded is unrealism, as in comedy. But an overdose?...don't forget there's also the factor on how people write comedy, too. =/

Mm...shall edit later. x_x
 

Road

Shiny Master
Ah, I see. Good point. It wouldn't be Naruto if the caracters were too OOC...Hmm...

ANYWAY, back on topic: BT, have you gotten stareted on the 2nd chapter? Not trying to be pushy...Just wondering. ^^;

...Meh, I dunno what else to say. ^^;
 
N

Ninja_of_the_Night

Guest
I really like this fic. I really like the plot, and, no offence, but Shino does talk sometimes, Ian I would assume since he knows his team, he would speak more with them. But... Other than that, I dont think I have any thing I would like to point out... Eh, Im being too lazy to review for spelling mistakes =P
Also, I like the way you make Lee and Gui Sensei act so hyper-like. It realy sounds like somthing they would do =P
Im looking forward to the next chapter *nod*

~~Ninja;281;
 
Thank you for reading this fic and I suppose I forgot to add that it WAS going to be OOC sorry! My mistake. I AM going to go through with this fic, I was going to just leave it be like the rest but this one seems to have an interest in me! XD

Next chapter will be up as soon as I stop being busy! BUT, it will be up by August 14! Thank you again!

~ BT ~
 

Demise

...An orange blob...
...Interesting plot but some things confused me. You'll have to stop meh, from pointing things out. :p

I'll just point out grammar mistakes:

“YOU WANT ME TO WHAT?” The blond woman said slamming her hand down on the wooden desk.
She's yelling. So it should be:
“YOU WANT ME TO WHAT?” The blond woman yelled, slamming her hand down on the wooden desk.

“To put it blunt, Gai thought we should help the ninja’s here, bloom their youth or something like that. You know how Gai is….” (It's a run-on. Next problem!)

"Kurenai, where exactly is this exactly going to take place?” (You must delete one of these or it would get confusing.)

"Tsunade, you can be a part of the planning and of the ninja’s blooming thing,” A man with silver hair smirked underneath his mask that is if you can see underneath the mask… (*looks around* Eh? You're talking to me?)

"Yes, he is over there,” Kakashi pointed over to the door and there stood a spandex wearing, black bowl cutted, big eye browed man.

"Gai, Kakashi, Kurenai and Asuma.” Asuma immediately perked up from smoking his cigarette and looked at the Hokage. “This will be your mission, I will approve of it but I don’t want to get involved. If anything, anything, ANYTHING gets a little out of hand, I’ll help you BUT we must keep this to ourselves, Iruka might get a little annoyed that were doing this, so keep your distance. (For a moment there, I thought Asuma was talking. I don't have a clue who this guy is. But you're lucky that I recognize him smoking the ciggarette...)

The jonins nodded and walked out of the Hokage’s office, discussing how they are going to do this.

“If we tell our groups today when shall we have the actual ‘thing’.” (._. *stares at it for two minutes* I see what you're trying to say:
"If we tell our groups today, when shall we have the actual ‘thing’?” He's asking a question, it just throws people off if you have a period.)

“Kakashi, don’t rush into things like that. First, what we need to do is figure out when we could have the ‘thing’.” (...It should be: 'First, we need to figure out when we could have the 'thing'."
And 'thing' is overused. See above of this.)

Kakashi sighed, "I just said that…What if we have it in one week? It seems reasonable and also it gives them time to find dates. I will leave the decorations to you, Kurenai. Gai, Asuma and I are going to just help the boys find their-”

“THEIR INNNER YOUTH, RIGHT?” Gai screamed nearly making Kurenai fall over. (Even in the midst of yelling, you must add a comma. And I wonder how Kurenai falls over. Tis' make no sense.)

"Right, Gai.” The four jonins poofed out of sight, and to their teams, snickering about how they will react to this fabulous plan they made. (._. Okay.)

Chapter One: WHAT!? HAVE TO DANCE? (You must have proper grammar even in titles.)

At Team Kakashi: (Or it can be: -At Team Kakashi-)

The blond boy was sitting on the snowy white ground trying not to break out yelling at the navy haired boy, “SASUKE-TEME! I’M GONNA KILL YOU!” Apparently it didn’t work. (This makes me confused. What the heck is a 'teme'? And second thing that made me confused: 'Apparently it didn't work.' What didn't work? Naruto trying to not yell at Sasuke? Or Naruto trying to kill Sasuke? So confused.)

“DOBE! YOU MISSED ME!” (...What the heck is a 'dobe'? Yes, accuse me for being the idiot that I am. I can't imagine Sasuke yelling, unless he's really angry. Mostly, he would just have a 'cool' comment.)

The pink haired girl, sat watching the two rivals throw snow at each other until the jonin came to break them up as usual.

"SASUKE-KUN! PLEASE, STOP!” (I just have a feeling that a comma should be there. If I'm wrong, pardon me...)

Sasuke kept on beating up the blond boy and kicking the crud out of him.

“NARUTO, YOU BAKA!” The pink haired girl screamed, as she looked at Naruto, “YOU DON”T HAVE A CHANCE OF BEATING SASUKE!” (Wait a minute, she's screaming at Sasuke-kun to stop hitting Naruto. And then she called Naruto an idiot? What the? And what happened to the 'kun' at the end of Sasuke's name?)

Naruto looked at the pink haired girl and nervously laughed, “Sas-Sask-Sakura-chan….”

Sasuke smirked, kicked Naruto right in…well let’s just say he kicked him. (Isn't that weird? He starts calling her 'Sas' and then changes to 'Sakura'. She doesn't have two 's' in her name....Are you talking to me, again?)

Sakura laughed hysterically, seeing that Naruto was completely a fool trying to beat the number one Uchiha. Kakashi, then, poofed right next to Naruto and waved, “Hello, there.” (....First, she asks Sasuke to stop beating him. Second, she screams worriedly, I must say, that she can't beat Sasuke. Third, she's laughing like a maniac because Naruto was losing to him....What?)

"YOU ARE LATE, AGAIN!"

“Sakura, a black cat crossed my path and I had to take the long way.”
(You shall not capitalize a letter needlessly.)

Pshh, yeah right!” Sakura scoffed and stood, “So, what are training for today, Kakashi?”

(The sentence itself caused me to think long. I shouldn't pick on it, because I'm confused. And...such rude girl! She's adressing her teacher as his first or last name, peh I can't think. What happened to the 'sensei' at the end of his name?)

Sasuke and Naruto walked over and looked at the jonin, “Well, I have a bit of news from the Hokage.”
(For another fleeting moment, I thought Sasuke or Naruto said that. Stop connecting sentences like that. You'll get me scrambled!)

Naruto hyperly jumped up and down like Neji on Pixie Stix, really scary I know.
(>_< Can you stop with the talking to the readers? Neji on a Pixie Stix...is that a type of candy? What is he doing on a pixie stix?)

“NARUTO, LISTEN FOR ONCE!” Sakura yelled at the blond kyuubi.

"Well, as I was saying, Tsunade has made a formal Christmas dance. All chunin are going to go whether they like it or not. The boys must find a date and wear formal clothing, girls must find a date and wear formal clothing, as well." (Can't you shorten it and just put: "All girls and boys must wear formal clothing and find a date."
._. Isn't shikamaru the only one who passes?)

Sakura’s eyes sparkled, seeing her and Sasuke dance, 'He is never going to ask me out, I know that for a fact. Most likely he will be taking someone, pity date most likely! CHA!' (Are you the one talking? If no, then put '.)

Kakashi, almost, went away as fast as he came, “So, Sasuke, who are you taking for the dance?”
(For another one of my weird moments, I thout he was talking. If he's gone, who's talking then? If Sakura is talking, what happened to the 'kun'?)

Sasuke and Naruto sat in the snow for about ten to fifteen minutes in complete silence, “Sasuke-teme, who ARE you taking for the dance?”
(Ten to fifteen minutes is long, they probably froze their butts by now... Didn't you say in complete silence?)

“Shut up, Dobe,” Sasuke walked off, brushing off Naruto like a piece of dirt. (You overused 'off', in the same sentence, too!)

At Team Kurenai:

A boy with his dog were sitting on the frozen ground waiting for their jonin to come; a girl with bluish-purple hair was pacing back and forth.
(I think 'sensei' would fit better.)

"Hinata-chan, what are you doing?”

“P-p-pacing t-to keep o-n k-keeping w-warm,” Hinata mumbled, her jacket apparently didn’t keep her warm enough.
(Eh, you used 'keep' and 'warm' in the same sentence. Overusage.)

A boy with a very large tan jacket was examining a beetle when POOF! Kurenai pops in and looks at the very quiet and freezing group, “Hello! Well, I have an announcement.”
(A very nice sensei, leaving her students freezing in the cold.)

“No, Kiba, now sit back down. The Hokage has stated that we are going to have a dance…ball…thingy.”
(Ha, I like the last effect. Add the word 'thingy' and its funny.)

Yes, the boys and girls are to dress formally and they must have a date. Also ALL chunin are to be there. Hope you all have fun!” Kurenai said waving, and poofing away as fast as she came.
(Didn't you already used that with Kakashi?)

So, Shino, who are you going to take?”


“…” That meant ‘someone’ (Does he use telepathy? He should open his mouth and answer in his weird way...)

“Really? I couldn’t have guessed!” Kiba said, playing around. “No, seriously, who?”

“…” meant ‘Shut up, Kiba, before I sick my bugs on you.(Shouldn't it be: "Be quiet, or I'll release my insects at you...")

Kiba backed away slowly and looked at Hinata, who was pacing faster than before, “Hinata-chan, you ok?"


Hm? Y-Yeah….j-just a l-little….s-s-s-sc-c-scared….”

“Hn?” Kiba looked at her, 'She is acting a bit different I wonder what the other teams think of this…' (You must put italics or whatsoever to signal that Kiba's thinking.)

At Team Asuma:

“WHAT?!” A blond and a hair cut-shaped pineapple screamed.

“Now, now, Shikamaru and Ino. Is it that bad?”

“YES!” the pair yelled,again.

Asuma just smirked, 'Gai might ACTUALLY have a good idea for this.'

“All boys MUST take a girl and wear formal clothes. ALL chunins are coming to it whether they like it or not. Girls and boys are to dress formal, have fun!” Asuma quickly poofed away before Ino could kill him.('Poof' is an over used word in this chapter...try something new...)

“How troublesome…”

“I’M GOING TO KILL THE JONINS, THE MOMENT I CAN!” (I thought Ino was the type to love these things...)

Shikamaru backed away from the angry blond.

“So, Shikamaru, anyone special you are taking?” A rather….big boy asked.

“No, Chouji, what about you?”

“Nah, I think I might just skip it…I don’t know…” he munched on his chips…(A/N Where does he get all of his chips?Maybe from the grocery store down the street...No, seriously, stop inserting Author's notes.)

Shikamaru sighed, walked away from the team, and sat on a snow covered log. He looked at Ino and Chouji who were arguing over something REALLY stupid. (There are about three 'ands' in here. This is a run-on.)

At Gai’s Team:

Tenten and Neji were leaning up against a tree that was covered in snow; Lee and Gai were having their stupid running, wave splashing, hugging thing every time they see each other. (Haha. I can just laugh.)

Tenten and Neji sighed and then everything was normal until, “AWESOME! YOUTH BLOSSOMING OF TEAM GAI, SHALL PREVAIL ABOVE EVERYONE ELSE!” Lee screamed rather loudly. (Didn't Gai say anything of the announcement?)

Tenten’s mouth was open and gaping at Gai’s announcement, “You're joking, aren’t you?”

Gai shook his head, “THE MAN OF YOUTH NEVER LIES!”

Neji just smirked, “Hn.”

Tenten just looked so surprised to find out about this, “I MUST GO FIND THE GIRLS, SO WE CAN GET OUR FORMAL KIMONOS!”

Tenten hurriedly rushed off to find Sakura, Hinata and Ino.

The girls walked along the snow covered ground and talked about this horrid situation.

“You know Ino, Sasuke is going to ask me to the dance.”

“SHUT UP, FOREHEAD!” (Sakura isn't a forehead...)

“MAKE ME, PIG!” (I thought Sakura calls her, 'Ino Pig')

Tenten whacked them over the head with her hand, “You know this is probably Gai’s idea, just the senseis are going along with it. How do you think the boys feel about this?” (Why is Tenten calling her sensei by the first/ last name?)

“Devastated,” Ino simply put.

“Troublesome and stupid,” Sakura said.

“H-Happy…” Hinata calmly stated.

“I think the boys would be kind of confused, since they don’t know how to ask a girl, anyway.”

The girls nodded at that, and all of them sat down on a snow-covered bench, “So I have an idea….”

Sakura, Ino and Hinata seemed interested on what Tenten had in mind, “What if we…

.....Now after dedicating one hour to writing this review:

Snow-covered is used so much in this chapter, that I already knew that everything outside was covered with snow. Instead of getting their butts wet and frozen, don't you think that the girls would wipe the snow off the bench before sitting down on it?"

Erm, I had to combine everything to make it shorter....

As I said, interesting plot, but you can't think that someone would excuse the grammar problems. You have to have good grammar to make a good chappie.

Anyways, good luck on your next chapter!
 
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chrisivy

Well-Known Member
I like Naruto.
But this isn't so bad....
 
Thank you so much for the reviews!

Demise - Yeah my grammer is a bit bad since I havn't been in school and I havn't been completely focused. Sorry about that!

chrisivy - I like Naruto too! Maybe too much...XD Thank you!

Again I'm sorry for the mistakes I realize I have to read over my chapters before i post them...^^ Oh and I'm going back to school on Monday so updates might not be for a while...the second chapter will be up in a little bit. It's short but I have just been so busy!

Sorry again,

~ BT ~
 
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