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Nature's Way One-Shot Rating Pg-13

Silawen

Fanfiction Critic
Disclaimer: I do not own pokémon. Period.

- This has not been beta'd so it will probably have a fair amount of mistakes. -

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Nature's Way

Soft footsteps made the creature hide behind the tree, sharp claws digging in the ground if it had to run. Whiskers moved as it sniffed the air, its small beady nose lifted slightly. Movement up ahead, down the path. The path humans had created. A man walked there, one of those cursed trainers. The creature hid behind the tree some more but made sure it could still see what the man was doing.

Whistling, it realised, the man was whistling. Apparently he was bent on scaring pokémon away, well, good on them. His pounding feet kicked up dust and small eyes closed somewhat as it saw the berry it had been searching for covered in dust. Great, now his afternoon snack was ruined. A call, nothing. The man called again, looking around. The small purple body immediately curled up, hiding completely behind the tree. Hopefully the man hadn’t spotted him.

The Rattata turned its head slightly as the cracking of branches was heard behind it, leaves rustling. A dark form jumped out, barking in delight. The Rattata tensed up as it saw that the creature was in fact a Poochyena. Hind legs prepared to flee and when the dog pokémon looked the other way the Rattata jumped up, sprinting across the path – right in front of the man, who gave a startled yelp – and through a bush, skidding to a halt in front of one of its holes. It dived in, hearing the barking of the Poochyena rumble through the tunnel. Its body was trembling as it made its way through the tunnel towards their main den.

It sat there, listening, hoping none of its brothers and sisters were out there right now. Oh how he despised these humans, always hunting them, taking them away from friends and family, fighting them for no good reason. And then those silly pokémon, seemingly delighted at the thought of having to listen to their every command. Most didn’t know better.

The thought of being cooped up in a pokéball, going places he did not want to go, being away from those he held dear, from the forest he called home. Eating dusty pokéfood, not having to scavenge for food. It sounded less stressful, but he knew what they did to pokémon that were caught. They made them fight those so much bigger and stronger than him. An old Rattata had been released once, no longer of use, and had told the tale of his battle against a Growlithe. He had been but a small Rattata then, those two moons ago, and had listened in terror. A Growlithe, with its big claws and fiery breath. Why would anyone put a little Rattata in such a position, had they no common sense? Why did they not run, like sane pokémon would do?

Still quivering the creature made its way through the tunnel to another hole, peeking out its small nose to sniff the air. It seemed that the human had left. He could smell the faint scent of the Poochyena, though, and felt uneasy. Was it looking for him? Ears moved as he listened for anything that might tell him where the pokémon was. Nothing.

Up ahead he could hear a Taillow make noise, but paid no heed. He stepped forward a bit, raising up his nose higher so it could sniff the air better. He was at a disadvantage. They had made this entrance at the wrong side of the hill, its opening was facing the wrong way. The draft of the tunnel left the den there, carrying his scent to predators instead of the other way around. He did not realise this, however, until it was too late. In his distressed state he had forgotten about one of the prime rules in the wild, even if you’re being hunted know there’s always another hunter.

With a crunch a black form landed on the Rattata, grabbing hold of its neck with strong jaws. The tiny Rattata struggled, clawing at the massive form of the Houndour, but could not manage to break free. A few desperate attempts at breathing and then its body gave up, leaving the lifeless body to the Houndour.

Up ahead the trainer talked to his Poochyena, telling him the tale of that strange Rattata he nearly stepped on. Such odd creatures, Rattata.
 

Saffire Persian

Now you see me...
Mmm... I'm torn either way with this one-shot, here. First off, I don't think this warrants an 'R' rating. Really, it doesn't. PG, yes. R, no. Character death doesn't always warrant an 'R' rating... Heck - Lion King had character death, no R ratings there.

But that's besides the point.

The prose seemed a bit 'rambling' in a few places, and a few bits I found confusing.

It sat there, listening, hoping none of its brothers and sisters were out there right now.

First, I was unsure if you were talking about the Poochyena or the Rattata. I came to the conclusion that it was the little rat you were talking about.. then I thought: 'Why did you change the Rattata to an 'it', when you already stated he was male?'

The prose was good - I enjoyed reading the Rattata's thoughts, but I felt a few of the paragraph transitions were a tad confusing or misplaced -- I enjoyed your other epic more. Still, it was very good - and I'm still impressed how well you can write considering the language barrier. ^_^

Keep it up!
 

Silawen

Fanfiction Critic
Hmm, well it was intended to be that way to divide between the all-seeing viewer and the Rattata. Whenever the Rattata is thinking, feeling, doing, it's 'he'. Whenever the all-seeing viewer reflects on it I used 'it'. I see how it may seem confusing or 'off'.
 

IceKing

Sexorific!
You really shouldn't have said (R due to charachter death). R should be more than enough to suffice. I've been getting a good vibe from you so I'm eager to read this one shot!

Hopefully the man hadn’t spotted him.

I believe theres a comma after hopefully

With a crunch a black form landed on the Rattata, grabbing hold of its neck with strong jaws.

comma after crunch I believe



Hmm, well first off I really emphasize the fact you shouldn't have said R for charachter death; it ruined the ending and was unnescary. Also, I agree with Saffire Persian in that this doesn't deserve an R rating. Deaths happen in Disney Movies all the time, but they're still PG. This deserves a PG 13 AT THE MOST. Now on to the actual fic, I liked the premises and the theme and basically the fic overall, but I was a bit uncertain about the actual writing. I noticed your style has a strange effect on me, everything is slown down and its impossible for me to skim through it and I have to read every single word. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not, I've never experienced it XD Also, there were times when it was a bit confusing on what was going on like the Ratata flee scene and the peekign out of the tunnel scene. Also, I felt the death scene was too short, it is the climax after all! I thought the sentences were oddly positioned in a way that wasn't really effective in the beginning as well, but it seemed to get better around the second half. And I'll repeat, I liked the premises you have of a wild pokemon fearing the humans but then having the fear its fellow wild pokemon as well. The ending was really good and satisfying as well. This one shot was like a tiny little horror flick, thats not really meant to be scary but more dramatic.

Overall: Pretty good, but watch the language use and the elaboration


*looks at Sapphire Persian's review* Is English your second language?
 

Silawen

Fanfiction Critic
Yes, English is in fact my second language. Thus the comma problems. ;)

Regarding the R-rating. I really don't understand most of those ratings, so I always aim for the highest. I'll ask a mod to change the title anyway. :)
 
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