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Necromancers: War of the Dead

Shadows Follower

Well-Known Member
Ok, I've had RPG's started but everytime, it seems people either forgot or can't be bothered to post and its getting really annoying. If you can't post then don't sign up. Anyway, this is yet another of my ideas I've been thinking about that I thought would make a change from your usual RPG's so feel free to read:

Necromancers: War of the Dead

Death, a natural part of life that is impossible to escape. From the smallest flower to the most advanced human, every single thing eventually withers away and their bodies finally stop working. The theory's behind death and beyond is endless from the Afterlife (Heaven and Hell) or ghosts or maybe even nothing.

Many believe it is God who decides when you die, others believe in a Grim Reaper and possibly even rebirth. Whatever the case one thing always mains clear: Everything must die.

Or does it?....

For centuries there are have been myths and legends of the ancient practice of Necromancy, believed by all religions as forbidden. They say those who study its working can gain ever lasting life - cheat death itself. A Necromancer goes through many things in his attempt to gain power - using it can cause them their health or even their own lives if used wrongly. They control a force called the death essence that flows through everything that lives. By focusing and gathering it, they can cause things to wither and die or so the rumors go. The most exaggerated rumor is by focusing the death essence, they can control the corpses of long lost lives or "Undead" and can raise minions to serve them. They hunger for the flesh of the living and for every life that falls, an undead one takes its place.

All these have been but rumors, something lost in time and created as great horror film sources. But people must remember: Myths have to come from somewhere.

--------------------​

The year 2006, American life has become more complicated as a new virus has begun to sweep worldwide. Where it came from no one knows and why but it is causing death and diease across the globe. Although scientists have been working on a cure, they aren't creating it quick enough.

The virus appears to deteriate the humans systems, slowing killing them from the inside. Their organs begin to stop working and the skin begins to rot and its not long before the person is dead. The virus has killed thousands already and its only a matter of times before the major cities are hit.

But thats not what is freaking people out. Their have been strange reports of movement within the graveyards or burial grounds. Graves have been found empty and strange moaning sounds from their far corners at night. These rumors are causing wide spread panic and graveyards all over are being closed up and locked to keep people out - or something in.

--------------------​

Simply put, you are one the people who stumble on the effects of the virus and what happens to the person. You are now desperately trying to survive from the forces at work and the virus. Its your job to solve this nightmare and find a cure before its too late to save millions of lives, and yourself.

However, there is a more tempting way to get by.....
You somehow stumble on the secrets of Necromancy, at first you may think its all a joke or fake but you soon learn its no joke. You soon learn to use it to your advantage in this struggle for survival and use the same powers to control the forces killing everyone of.

So what side will you take. Work against this force or fight for it? Heck you could be necromancer and use its powers to still find a cure. Its your choice. One thing is clear in this RPG: The dead will not rest for much longer.

Groups:
Fighters - Objectives
1) Find other survivors (other fighters). The more of you, the easier it is to fight against the undead.
2) Find protection and weapons. You'll need weapons to take out any opposition easier. Finding shelter from the undead will give you time to gain your strength.
3) Find the cause and cure. If you can solve the mystery then it might not be too late to stop the world from becoming a zombie paradise.
4) Survive!

Necromancers - Objectives
1) Learn more Necromancy. The better you get at controling your power, the more strength you have to survive.
2) Find more infected and undead. If you plan on taking over, you'll need minions to do your bidding. Bodies and corpses are all you need.
3) Find artefacts of power. Necromancy was started a long time ago and there are misunderstood or evil men and woman who harnessed power in items. Gain them to increase your power.
4) If your a good hearted Necromancer, you'll use your powers to find a cure and solve this mystery.

Sign Ups​

Name: (Simple Enough)
Age: (16-40)
Gender: (Male or Female?)
Description: (Describe how you look. Try to make detailed.)
Personality: (Whats your char like? Again must be well thought out.)
Side: (Fighter or a Necromancer? Remember you can still fight against them or for whatever you pick)
Weapon: (Fighters will usually have weapon. This can change constantly put this will be one that will stay with you throughout. This is the present so more likely a gun of somekind. Necromancer may have a staff or object or power. Describe the weapon here and what it does.)
History: (Give a brief history of the char's life)
RPG Sample: (Give an example of your work here. This can be from another RPG or one you made up. Please post it here and not on another post.)

Rules:​

1) Basic Serebiiforums rules apply as set by the staff.
2) If you sign up, you MUST have time. No point in signing up and then not going through with it when other people could have taken your place. Also I will be only saving places for three days. After that, your place is available to other people.
3) No small posts. The amount of time I have recently seen small one line posts. If you do this three times, you'll be banned from posting for the rest of the RPG or limited amount of time.
4) Try and set your posts out right. Paragraphs, spelling an grammer etc.
5)If you have any ideas, problems or questions just PM me.
6) Enjoy!
 
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magdaw

sumthin origional :p
Name: Tanya Kirk

Age: 30

Gender: Female

Description: Black hair is pinned in a bun, and a cream suit, somewhat out of date, are the most noticable features of this woman. From a glance you see her walk, with the most ladylike manerisim. A black handbag and high heels accompany her garments.

Her face is quite angular, a prominent jaw juts out the side of her face. Her lips are caked in lipstick and often seem to come to a strange little pout. Her eyes are rimmed with eyeliner and mascara, obvous and cheap. Eyebrows are plucked and even at her age, are now balding at the outsides.

Personality: When you look at her, she will look right back. Now, depending on your social and financial background, you may recieve from a number of expressions. 1. You're from a very rough background - she will pout her lips, scowl and swiftly turn her back. 2. You're middle class - she will stare coldly and ask what you want. 3. You're rolling in it - Her mouth becomes a pink lipstick hoolahoop, she will announce to the universe how happy she is to see you and she will ask you how your day went.

Not many people want any of those reactions. So, despite her high status, she isn't liked. But she knows this. She feeds off of it. She always seems to be scheeming her petty little social games, getting the material best out of any situation, and hoarding what she gains. Greed drives this woman.

Side: Necromancer

Weapon: An earing that lives in her handbag. This sentamental piece means a lot to her, and is loaded with powers that help her focus whilst practicing Necromancy. It is of 3 dangling rods, hanging from a black gem.

History: She left her rich home at 16 after a fallout with her parents. Since then she has sworn to prove to them that she can be successful on her own.

RPG Sample: I'm a first-timer. Not got any samples.
 
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Cipher Admin Lovrina

...I forgot. O.O;
I'll try out for this one...

Name: Amanda Sophia
Age: 25
Gender: Female

Description: Amanda is 6'1". She wears black pants that have bows at the foot and a bow at the waist and MORE bows at the sides. She wears a cross-back pink tank top with bows at the waist and a bow at the neck. Amanda's blonde hair is tied in a pony tail with a black skull-and-cross bones scrunchie. On her hand is a black braceltet that has skull-and-cross bones. Her earrings are, well, skull-and-cross bones. She loves those! Her shoes are black plastic boots that go a little past the knee that are tie-ups. But not too high. Finally, she has a black back-pack on her shoulders.

Personality: Amanda is more of a Goth type than a girly-girl type. You can see from the skull-and-cross bones. She never smiles. She always frowns and is sarcastic. She's a misery guts [miserable...for better understanding]. If she can, she always keeps her hands in her pockets when she's sad. She never cries. Not even when a friend has passed away.

Side: Necromancey [?]. She will switch sides.

Weapon: I don't think this is a very good one, but a braclet that the point can turn into a pointy thing [sword, knife, etc.]

History: Amanda has heard of necromancey [?] in college. She liked that word. Since she was Goth, she liked the word death...I think. So, she decide to learn more about them necromancies [?]. Only Maxima, Amanda's best friend, knew about her secret studies for the necromancies. Amanda told Maxima plenty. [Maxima is important to Amanda's history...]

RPG Sample: Amanda was sitting on the porch of her house. She was waiting for her friend, Maxima. During the meanwhile, Amanda was reading a book...like the Harry Potter series. When Amanda looked up from reading, she found Maxima riding her bike extremely fast that she was panting. Finally, she skidded to a stop and ran up the porch stairs.

"Sorry I'm late..." Maxima told Amanda. "I forgot to get my gum!!!" Amanda just stood there. "You were late...BECAUSE OF GUM?!!!" Maxima smiled and nodded. "I ran out!" Amanda blinked a few times and then she went inside the house. Maxima just stood outside until Amanda dragged her in.

"So..." Amanda said. "So..." Maxima said as well. Amanda looked around the room. "How come you tell me about this?" Amanda held up the note that was on Maxima's door when Amanda tried to tell her something in person. "Because..." Maxima said. "Because why?" Amanda said.
"Because..."
"Because why?"
"Because......"
"Because why?"
"Because..."
"Because why?"
"Because..."
"Because wh--OH!!! THIS COULD GO ON FOR HOURS!!! WHY?!!!" Amanda screamed.
"Oh! All right! Because..." Maxima grinned.
Amanda huffed and finally said "TELL ME WHY!!!"
"Okay! Okay! FINE!" Maxima screamed. "Because you wouldn't understand about somebody dieing in your family..." Amanda looked blank. "You're right," Amanda amitted. "I don't know the feeling.
There was a pause.
"So..." Maxima began, "want to go to the mall?"
"You know me," Amanda said. "Goth stuff..."
"Oh! Right! Wanna grab lunch, then?"
Amanda nodded. "Sure!"
 
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Name: Damian Delgato

Age: 17

Gender: Male

Description: Damian is kind of short. He stands about 5'6". His black hair comes down past his red eyes, but parts over the left one. He has a slightly toned body, with a slight tan. Down his right arm is a vine of thorns.

Colthing wise, Damian dresses... averagely. He wears an open, black shirt that reveals his chest. Likewise, he wears a pair of black pants and black shoes. He just happens to like the color black. There is a pocket on the shirt which he usually has full of random stuff.

Personality: Damian is a very inquisitive kid. He will do anything to learn. He loves to learn. However, this can have some dangerous consquences. Once before, his couriousity ended up in a death. Damian vowed to never let it get that far again, but his curiousity will often get the best of him. All in all, Damian is a loyal friend. He is kind of laid back, and a little lazy, but he will get what has to be done done when it needs to be done. All in all, he is friends with everybody and enemies only in battle. After battle, he can make friends with the people he was just fighting against.

Side: Necromancer, for a time being. He may swhitch sides.

Weapon: A whip of thorns that rests down his right arm. It is used by, for example, when he wants to control the dead, he hits the ground where the dead lie. This whip can also stiffen into a staff, and an area somehow clears of thorns so he can use it.

History: Damian stumbled across necromancy in a book at school. Since he had nothing better to do, he tried to learn it. His parents thinks he has an afterschool club, but the time is spend praticing. The only person who knows about what he does is his best friend Kacy.

RPG Sample:
"Yes, I died, but I was revived. This is how it happened," Slasher began.

~Flashback to Slasher's death date~
"Put me down you big doodie head!" a younger Slasher yelled at a Hitmonchan who was picking on him. You could only tell it was Slasher by the eyes. Slasher was being held up by his tail. Despite his thrashing, hes was causing no damage.

"My god I can't stand you. I think its time for some community service," the Hitmonchan said, going over to the familar rocks. Slasher got slammed on the row of the spikes. Luckly, the spikes missed his eyes, and the only major origans hit were the stomach and the groin area. The Hitmonchan left him to die. And he did die, from major blood loss.

A few hours later, a scientist found the dead Zangoose. The scientist took it back to the lab, and used their technology to help it escape death when it was already there. It was a success, so they mutated him. Thus, the Slasher of today was born.

~End Flashback~

"That is how I died, but came back to life," Slasher concluded his story.

This is from Whinds of Change. Its probibly (sp) not the best, but it was the best I could find in this short amount of time.
 
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Deathspector

<-- Blastoise O.o
Name: Luna Watson

Age: 16

Gender: Female

Description: Luna has dirty blonde hair, falling just below her shoulder blades, in straight, and sleek tendrils. Her fringe covers her forehead, but leaves her eyes a clear view of whatever is ahead of her. Her eyes, are a dazzling blue in colour, forever misted over as she is lost in a world of her own. She is not tall, and would be called short. However, she is not too short, just shorter than average. Her favourite colour is blue, and so, she wears a lot of blue. Her top is a dark blue, nd she wears a lighter blue cotton jacket on top of it. She wears a skirt, which isblue and red checked, and stopps just above her knees. She also wears an odd cloth hat, red and green in colour, and tilted to the side. Her socks are tall, and dark blue in colour, completing the look with a pair of blue Converse.

Personality: Luna is forever lost in her own world, and loves to wander off, talking to herself, and imagining things that are far from being true. She dislkes people correcting her, but she is not the type to shout or scream. Instead, she will smile back coldly, and turn her back to whoever was rude, not talking to hi or her for a long time. She has a very good memory. Luna has an uncomfortable knack of mentioning things that are true, but you don't want them to be true. However, Luna is extremely loyal to any person she happens to befriend, and will stick through thick and thin with that person.

Side: Necromancer through and through

Weapon: being too young to weild firearms, Luna has gone bck to the old and basics. In her pocket, she carries a single weapon, that has felled more than one enemy. A Samurai star, made from the finest of metals, and carved by the finest blacksmiths, that is all she has, and all she needs to prove herself more than a pushover.

History: As odd as it may seem, it was Luna's parents that introduced her to necromancy. They are just like her, the type of people who believe in the super natural. They had heard about it from their parents, who had heard from their parents, and so on. It was a family tradition, and that is why people believed them to be aetheists, as they practiced necromancy, and were bannished from their religion. She was, however, introduced to it, only when she turned thriteen, and was intruiged by the matter. To her, death was not something to be scared of, but anything people thought unusual was the first thing that she would like. Promising her parents to keep this practice a secret, Luna has told no one about this, and never shall...

RPG Sample:

IC:

Shaking my head, I bent down, and occupied myself by placing th pan over the fire, and watching the water heat up. I sat back, leaning on my hands, as I waited for the water to heal, reflecting on what had happened over these past few hours. It was likely to take me ages before I would be able to remember everthing, seeing as the previous night was such a busy one. In fact, I doubted that anyone got more than four or five hours of sleep. It didn't bother me, as much, beause I hardly got any sleep anyway, but he did think that it would bother some of the others who seemed to live perfectly normal lives. This, would of course, rule out Riddel, although I don't really know what happened in her life to make her like that.

That was another thing that was odd. Riddel. For one minute, she would seem very helpful, telling you what do do, and how to do it, giving you suggestions on the best possible way of doing so, but the next second she was complete opposite. She was cold, and unhelpful, making sarcastic remarls if you asked her a question. It didn't really bother me, because I had known that Riddel would be like this when I offered to accompany her, so I'm not complaining, just stating the facts. In a way, it made me feel a lot more at home, because the lady at the orphanage was a lot like Riddel, although I never really did get to know her name.

"To answer your question, although you never really asked any question, but anyway. My water bottle is almost empty, really. I drank so much of it waiting for Professor Oak to call out my name that I forgot that I might need it in despereate times. So, if there's a question of no space in my watter bottle, then that can be tossed aside. However, I do drink it from the lip, so you might not want to share. Also, feel free to let your Pokémon drink the water on the fire once it's hot. I'm planning on letting Flare-tamer, and Vine-trap do so, as well," I said, making sure that the water was still alright.
 

Shadows Follower

Well-Known Member
I'll try and make this quick.

magdaw: Denied. I felt your history was WAY to short. Your personality sounded abit wrong too. As for the RPG Sample, I know you may have not been in one but that doesn't mean you can't make something up. Just base it on something and edit on to your sign up.

Cipher Admin Lovrina: Denied. Mostly the same reasons as above. Your history and personality seemed messed up. You can make your own RPG sample up if needed. My biggest concern is your char is.... too girly if you get me. I've seen your work and you must remember that this will more likely be a horror RPG and it wouldn't fit in that type of character.

stalinsucks667: Yes I can save you a place. I'll save it for three days and if you haven't posted then I'll make your place free again.

Joshi: Hmmm. Seems ok and I guess we all have to start somewhere. Show me an RPG sample and you might more than likely be accepted.

Deathspector: Now this is a sign up. Accepted!

I would likem to point out that Necromancers should only have studied it so far not have actual power. The strange goings on will unleash the power to control the dead and so on.
 

magdaw

sumthin origional :p
Hm... I thought it was good as well. Put a lot of work into it.

Oh well. Can I ask how my character's personality sounded 'wrong'? Maybe unusual... but just 'wrong' is a little harsh, eh? Thanks.
 

Cipher Admin Lovrina

...I forgot. O.O;
Can I change???

What was wrong with her personality and history???
 
S

stalinsucks667

Guest
Name: Stubbs McKenzie

Age: 26

Gender: Male

Description: Stubbs is a man with rich black hair that is cut into a flat top and usually covered by a phadora or some type of hat. His face is complimented by strong cheek bones and a powerful chin with a small indent at its center. He has very broad shoulders which hold up his large arms Stubbs' body is in extremely nice shape with an amazing build of muscles. Stubbs is always dressed in a beautiful shirt and tie combo usually with a black pinstripped coat and pants. He wears Balck and white wing tip doc martens, His hands are covered by black leather gloves that match his short sleeve black button up shirt thats under a red tie. Under his suit coat he wears a shoulder rig with a desert eagle on one side and 3 back up Clips on the other.

Personality: Stubbs is the strong and silent type he used to be involved in the mafia until he realized that there was a greater evil a ffot than rival gangs. He never jumps into something without thinking it through first and getting as prepared as he can. Sometimes his conscience gets the better of him and he'll get involved in a fight that has nothing to do with him and the odds of coming out whole are slim. Stubbs doesn't really get mad except for when some one sticks their nose in his business or trys hurting the innocent. Stubbs is extremely chivalrous he'll do anything for a damzel in distress.

Side: Fighter hired on by a nekromancer to help preserve the nekromancers strength and watch his back when using complete focus spells where he can't defend himself.

Weapon: A m3 shotgun the butt is sawed off but the barrel is still intact. The pump has the ability to hold a flashlight and is all black and carried in a holster on his back. He also has a silver desert eagle in a holster under his right arm and clips in the holster under the left. Last Stubbs always carries some sort of blade on his back wether it be a katana. machete or a broadsword it varies with the task at hand.

History: Stubbs was a boy who grew up in a fairly nice neighborhood but he was always intrested in fighting wether it be karate or boxing or wrestling he did all three as a child because the kids on his block and in his school irratated himand he was very shy. He kept training into high school he was a master of each form of the aboved mentioned self defenses which was when he turned to training in firearms and working out at the gym he created in his basement. Stubbs spent all of his time training so Stubbs never did very well in school which was why after he graduated barely mind you, He joined up with the mob as a hired muscle/bodygaurd. He did that for a few years until one night he seen a young woman being chased by some monster the woman ran past screaming and he seen the gleaming red eyes of a werewolf he withdrew his desert eagle and unloaded it into the beasts head then stomped on its neck cracking it. The girl didn't stop running to thank him but Stubbs had realized something he had found his calling in life. The next day he quit the mob thats when he started going by Stubbs McKenzie to keep them off his trail. Stubbs became a vigilante against creatures of the underworld he had fought creatures from vampires to demons but one day he was hired on by a nekromancer to be his sidekick and help him clean up the streets. Stubbs found his dream job until the day all the dead rose and his employer had disappeared and he had to find him due to his contract he cant stop searching the city until he reunited with his employer and freind which is why he joined the nekromancers to help him in his search.

RPG Sample: Stubbs kicked in the door to an old boarding house "Krone? Krone you in her?!?!?" The mercenary Stubbs McKenzie shouted into the empty house. He heard a deep growl and pulled the shotgun off his back and turned on the flashlight only to see a zombie lunging at him. He fired the gun and missed due to the close proximity and got knocked to the ground by the slobbering mindless hunger driven zombie. Stubbs pushed the beast away from him by its shoulders then shoved a foot in its abdomen then flung it out the door he rolled onto his stomach to face the confused zombie. He stood up and the kicked the undead menace in the head and pulled out his desert eagle and shot it into the zombies brain. He put the gun away and turned back into the house. He picked the shotgun and went back to his search and shined the light around the room looking for any more ghouls when no more where seen he shouted again and then walked back outside. Stubbs walked down the sidewalk and turned to walk down the street to the next house to continue his search for his employer and best freind Krone..

My 3 days weren't up weee they?
 

Shadows Follower

Well-Known Member
stalinsucks667: Nicely made. Accepted.

Cipher Admin Lovrina: Better than your original I'll admit. Accepted as long as you show a RPG sample. Can be made up or justfrom another RPG.
 

Lemurian

Lady Myuu's Opposite
Name: Alexhaur Whiplash
Age: 21
Gender: Male

Description: Alexhaur is a tall person built for speed with short brown hair and crimson, friendly eyes. He usually wears a pair of rough grey jeans that seems to have been carried through a forest made completely out of nettles and a thick grey sweather with no decoration. On both thighs are a pair of gunholsters, filled with two guns (see Weapons). A small pack is fastened to the belt on the back and holds some extra cartridges. On his left wrist is a watch and the right one is fully bandaged (hiding a deep cut) except for the fingers, which are sticking out.

Personality: Alexhaur is a joking and positive guy who always seems to find something to smile at. He loves to be around people with a good sense of humour and feels a bit strange when around people who aren't that lucky. He is a bit of trigger-happy and is easily startled. He is accurate and never seems to miss when shooting. He has no problems with walking long distances, but gets restless easily.

Side: Fighter.
Weapon: Alexhaur is never going unarmed after the reports of the virus and the strange happenings in the graveyards. He carries two semiautomatic Walther P99s; both (almost) legally his and with license. One of them was given to him from his late friend Tobias Groundthunder when he died and the other was strangely enough found outside a graveyard, covered in blood. He took it and carries it always. Alexhaur is also skilled in martial arts, but no master still.

History: Alexhaur has lived a quiet and peacefully life in the country, his only activity being targeting and archery. He has always been good at that and brought that talent with him into the army, where he stayed for a while. When he finally got out of there, the virus made itself known and Alexhaur has lived a stressfull life since then, trying to find out where he can make himself useful.

RPG Sample:Alexander looked at the snow outside and sighed. What a boring day. He had read all his books two times through and the weather was too unclear to go to the shooting grounds in the hall outside town.

He sighed again and settled down in a chair in front of a blazing fireplace. A book had dropped down beside the chair and Alexander picked it up. "The art of shooting," by a world champion in shooting. Alexander turned the first page and found a picture of a gun. It was one of the first guns ever made. It was grey and simple and the neccesary stuff to load it was placed around it.

Alexander dropped the book down on the floor again and started staring in the fire. Something shone in it. Alexander blinked. It was gone. "Strange..." he said. The flames started flickering, like some wind was blowing. Alexander looked around. No, the window was closed...but, what was that?! It seemed like a long beam of light, shining like a lighthouse right up. Alexander dropped down on the floor in and stared at it. Little by little, the light settled around him, easing him, relaxing him just before...it swallowed him. He fainted and all drifted away.

From a Final Fantasy Tactics Advance RPG.
 
Name: Pheonix Aurion
Age: 18
Gender: Male
Description: Pheonix has light auburn hair. Pheonix happens to be very slim and tall. He has the normal weight for a an 18 yr old. Pheonix is about 5'3 ft tall. He may not look very strong but actually he is very strong. His hands feel cold and rough. His blue eyes only show sadness. He wears a light red shirt and black baggy jeans.

Personality: Pheonix is an unusually quiet person. He is extremely anti-social. He is always feeling misery but never shows it. Pheonix lacks a sense of humor so he's rarely laughed. Pheonix was never laughed at because he gave off a feeling of dread and horror. If Pheonix ever smiles it's usually a smile of 'watch your back or else' type of smile.

Side: a loyal Necromancer

Weapon: Kyuubi Demon Blades. Each blades side has a Nine-tailed fox with demonic wings depicted.

History: Pheonix was an adopted child. When he was young his parents were killed in a car crash because of a drunk driver. His parents were just coming back from a party. Pheonix later on was adopted and became a anti social person. He was only 7 yrs old when it happened. Pheonix later found out about necromancy. He studied it whenever he got the chance. Luckily his adoptive parents never found out.

RPG Sample: Pheonix walked at a leisurely pace as Kyuubi walked along side him. "Why are you even walking with me when you should be gone?!"Pheonix demanded. "If I want to walk with you then I want to walk with you"Kyuubi answered. "Stupid fox"Pheonix muttered. They were currently in The Land of Dragons looking for the Keyblde Master of Twilight. "Don't make me burn you!"Kyuubi retorted. "Oh will you ever shut up!"Pheonix replied angrily. Kyuubi simply stuck his tongue at Pheonix and dissapeared.

As Pheonix scoured the city, there was no sign of the Keyblade Master of Twilight. "Guess I'll try a diffrent place"Pheonix muttered. As he walked to a Gummi Ship, Heartless appeared.
Pheonix took out his Kyuubi Blades and charged towards the Heartless. He swiped at a nearby Shadow and began to dodge a Fat Body's Body Slam. "These guys think they got chance, oh we'll see about that"Pheonix said. He killed the remaining Shadows and moved on to the three Fat Bodies
 
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Shadows Follower

Well-Known Member
Lemurian: Accepted.

Raider Phoenix: A few things wrong. First off, your weapon ability is abit powerful and seems abit unfair on over people. Secondly is this:
When Pheonix heard about the voices coming from graveyards he rushed to the nearest graveyard and hoped to be able to use necromancy.
This just doesn't sound right. Your char should not know what is causing the problem and noises and I doubt him, actually anyone person would just rush to a graveyard and try to control the undead. Even if you've studied necromancy, I think anyone would be scared of a mob of zombies coming at you. I would like you to get rid of that and add something proper to your history.
Finally your sentence structure is very short. You have loads of sentences with just abit of information in each one and it makes it arkward to read. You should try not to break them down as much. Your RPG sample was fine apart from that flaw.

If you can fix this problems, and edit then I'll reconsider.
 
I got rid of the ability and the sentence you pointed out. Is it better now?
 
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