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Need A Little Help With My Story

Discussion in 'The Authors' Café' started by jstinftw!, Dec 18, 2012.

  1. jstinftw!

    jstinftw! hontoni

    So I've been working on this project of mine, where I'll play on the PWT in my game, and then reanimate it in writing afterwards. It's just a fun little project that I want to work on, in hopes that simply writing such mundane things in a way that is exciting to the reader will help me in the long run.

    That said, I've got the first part pretty much ironed out, and I want to make sure that I'm not being overly or under descriptive. I don't have a beta, nor do I know anyone that would be willing, so I thought I'd put it here and see what everyone else thought.


    Driftveil City stood tall and a proud in the light of dawn.

    Once an industrial mining city, the mayor of the town, Clay, sought to improve the already booming city by giving it a more modern edge. Hotels were constructed to draw in more tourism, as well as apartment condos for the people who were relocated due to the construction. The iconic Cold Storage was also removed, for one of the bigger tourist attractions.

    The Pokemon World Tournament.

    Where once only passing trainers on their journey for badges, or treasure hunters looking to set up base while they explored the rich minerals in the area, visited Driftveil, now came tourists looking for a vacation spot, shoppers looking to get great bargains, as well as trainers looking to test their strength. Pokemon Trainer Justin was one of them.

    “No matter how many times we pass by here, I still amazed at how much Driftveil has changed. Aren’t you, Vanellope?” the black-haired trainer asked the small, round Pokemon sitting on his shoulder.

    Vanellope’s big, maroon-colored eyes looked at her trainer and nodded, shaking the entirety of her round, pink body. The little tuff of fur at the top of her headed jiggled with the movement, as did the little round stone that hung around its body by a thin string. Justin laughed. “You’re such a cute little Igglybuff.”

    They stood on the outskirts of city, just barely walking in. All around them, emerald houses stood majestically, not yet breaking into the tourist district. The small houses were only a small example of the prosperity brought on by Clay’s design.

    As they continued on, the little Igglybuff continued to look around in amazement, her gaze dashing everywhere as the city grew busier and busier as the people started to begin their day. Street vendors pulled their products on wagons, or in bags, through the streets, shouting out their products and why you should buy them. Shoppers walking to the market carried their currently empty shopping bags, many of them in groups, gossiping in hushed tones. Businessmen briskly walking to whatever business venture they dabbled in.

    There were Pokemon on the streets too; Pidove flew around in flocks, with a Tranquil or two at the head, Lilipup ran alongside its owners, barking happily. A Sandile was also present, although it sat stationary, looking out at the cloudy skies. Vanellope was awestruck.

    Thunder, however, rumbled in the distance, in the direction of Route 6. Justin paused for a second, drawing a curious coo from his Pokemon.

    “Looks like our good weather is about to end. I knew we got to Driftveil too dry…” He clicked his tongue, shaking his head, and pulled down the sleeves of his light gray button up. “We’re obviously not dressed for the weather, are we, Vanellope?” The balloon Pokemon chirped in agreement, giggling.

    Justin picked up the pace, and began jogging through the city. The young trainer silently thanked Arceus; had he not bought new running shoes in Nimbasa City, running would not be a pleasant chore. But his black and white running shoes were perfectly fit for the occasion. They passed through more buildings, people, and Pokemon, finally reaching the tourism district.

    Justin stopped running for a second, and considered going through the market to pick up some MooMoo Milk. While somewhat pricey, it was definitely healthier than buying manufactured Hyper Potions from the PokeMarts. But he decided against it and continued running. The PWT had its own healing station inside, so he didn’t have to worry.

    By the time Justin and Vanellope made it to the Driftveil Gate, small droplets had started falling from the sky. Justin offered to let the little Igglybuff back into her ball, but she refused. Being only a few months old, the baby Pokemon was curious about the world, and did not enjoy being inside her Pokeball very much, despite the claims that Luxury Balls were the best balls to hold baby Pokemon in. Justin shrugged, and passed through the gate.

    The gatekeeper offered Justin some advice about the PWT, letting him know that the Champions from all the regions were currently in one of the hotels, thus making them battle-able.

    “YOU’RE SERIOUS!?” Justin exclaimed.

    Although he only placed thirteen out of two hundred in the Pokemon League, he believed in his abilities as a Pokemon trainer, and was desperate to test his and his team’s skills against the Champions.

    “Yes, I am! The event organizer, Cynthia, is actually here in Unova on an extended vacation for this tournament. She convinced her co-Champions, as well as other trainers of recognition, to take part in the tournament while the Pokemon League season is in its off-season.” The gatekeeper smiled, and tipped her blue hat at him. “Better get battling; the road to the Champions is a difficult one. You’ll need to battle all of the Gym Leaders from other regions before you can face them. It’s like the Gym Challenge all over again, only you don’t have to travel, and the Gym Leaders are playing to win.”

    But the young trainer barely heard her as he ran out of the gate, shouting excitedly to himself. “These young trainers…” the gatekeeper murmured to herself, chuckling slightly.

    Outside, Justin skidded to a halt. The grandeur of the Pokemon World Tournament area took his breath away, and even caused the little Igglybuff on his shoulder to chirp in excitement.

    “Wow… Would you look at this place, Vanellope? It’s amazing!” he exclaimed, awestruck. Vanellope bounced excitedly on his shoulder, taking in the area with, eyes wide.

    Much like the rest of Driftveil, the dominant colors were emerald and stone gray, with touches of yellow accenting the buildings. Little kiosks made of little more than a desk and stands to hold up signs and posters indicating what they were selling decorated the grounds that surrounded a single building. Vendors selling all sorts of things called out to the busy crowded bustling through, some exiting the building and some entering. Pokemon of all sorts, big and small, hustled after their trainers, also ranging in size.

    But what really stole Justin’s attention was the building itself. It towered over everything, and took up at least half of the sprawling reclamation dedicated to the Pokemon World Tournament. The building was dome shaped, but instead of being perfectly round, was lumpy instead. The base of the building was gray, and had metal spires climbing upwards towards the center. The very top was a deep electric blue, contrasting pleasantly with the stone gray tiles of the ground and the ocean surrounding it. Flags of all nationalities were draped in front of the building, with lights shining underneath them, despite the sun. And right in the center, was an electronic billboard showcasing a battle between a man and a woman.

    The woman wore a sleek, black overcoat, snug in all the right places, and black slacks, commanded a blue and red dragon with the head of a shark. Her bright blond hair and light skin shone bright on the stage, despite the light only shining upon the active Pokemon. The crowd roared, lights flashing as cameras snapped pictures of the ensuing battle. The dragon raised its thin, arm-like appendages, with razor sharp fins jutting outwards, and brought it down hard on the small brown head of its opponent, a large boulder-like Pokemon with similarly brown arms and legs. Its trainer, the man, yelled out an order, hands folded behind his messy brown hair, desperate to get his Pokemon moving. His orange sweater seemed to darken with along with his spirits.

    “Garchomp and Golem… That must be Cynthia and Brock! Vanellope, look! Two of the greatest trainers on the screen, battling! Great timing, don’t you think?”

    Despite losing the title of Sinnoh Champion four years ago to a trainer who, at the time, had been younger than Justin, on more than one occasion did Cynthia prove that she was one of, if not the, best trainer in the world. Brock, though often regarded as a lower tier trainer due to being the first Gym Leader of Kanto, has proven to be a highly skilled trainer in his own right. Multiple exhibition matches with Brock coming on top only add to his slighted reputation.

    Vanellope chirped her challenges, drawing Justin’s attention back to his baby Pokemon. Laughing, Justin said, “Vanellope, you’re a baby. You’ll be on the sidelines, with me, watching everyone battle, like a cheerleader! I don’t want you getting hurt.” He picked the little balloon Pokemon off his shoulder, who had started protesting, and smiled at her. “You’ll get your chance one day, I promise. But right now, you’re too little for these kinds of things. Think about it; how would you feel facing off against that Golem, hm?”

    The thought did the trick. After spending a few seconds for the visual to set in, Vanellope’s eyes widened and vigorously began shaking its head.

    Justin laughed again. “I didn’t think so. No worries though; you’ll still be on the battlefield with me, cheering everyone on. You’re our cheerleader; the team would be lost without you.”

    The Igglybuff smiled and got cozy inside of her trainer’s embrace. He shrugged, and decided he could probably carry the little Pokemon for a while. After all, tender loving care is a must for baby Pokemon like Igglybuff.

    And there you go! Thoughts? I'd really appreciate any criticism you'd be willing to give. I hope I posted this in the right place.
  2. Quilava42

    Quilava42 Blazing Flowers

    You should have posted this in the "Fan Fiction" thread if you're done with this. ^w^

    Overall, I'd say that you need to fix up a few sentences. Some are said pretty odd when you get to read it.

    Like this.

    Another grammar error.

    This has too many commas itself and it's wordy. Try to merge them and rewrite the sentences.

    Space out the dialogue so it can be easier to read. And in this, there's a lot of commas again. In addition to that, your descriptions are too formal and long. Like this,

    The first one I bolded is very weird. And why make the other sentence of the sun? Next. you need to remove those commas and you should cut down a lot of those descriptions and write them properly. And does the narrator know that this is a Garchomp? It said that in the story.
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2012
  3. Dew Watatsumi

    Dew Watatsumi Water Type E-3

    To me personally, I see no problem with it. Good job. :)
  4. Meeker

    Meeker It needs a fence.

    I like the idea, very interesting and original to do so.

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