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Never in the Wrong Time or Wrong Place (14A)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Griff4815, Aug 13, 2007.

  1. Griff4815

    Griff4815 No. 1 Grovyle Fan

    Rated 14A (or PG-13) - Violence and gore, language, some mature themes, and sexual innuendo.

    Genre- Action/Adventure, Drama, Suspense, Character Drama.

    You probably already know this but I still have to say:
    “Example” is for humans and pokemon speaking their native tongues.
    “<Example>” is for Pokemon-speech translated into English.
    Example” is for people/pokemon in thought.
    "---------" is a time skip transition.
    "=======" is a flashback transition... I think. Usually.


    Awards won:
    Best Non Human Supporting Character (Treecko) [2008]
    Best Non Human Villain (Daggerback [the Oppressor!]) [2009]
    Fanfiction of the Month: October (on Pokecommunity) [2007]

    Awards nominated for:
    Funniest Character (Corphish) [2008]
    Most Suspenseful Scene (Trying to resuscitate Treecko) [2008]
    Best Character Development [2009]
    Funniest Character (Corphish) [2009] <- Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. =P
    Best Pokemon Chaptered Fic [2010]

    Chapter List

    0.Prologue (1st Rewrite)
    1.The Launch of a Journey (1st Rewrite)
    2.The Roots of a Friendship (1st Rewrite)
    3.Retributions (1st Rewrite)
    4.The Revival of a Friendship (1st Rewrite)
    5.To Leave the Nest (1st Rewrite)
    6.And This is What You Get... (1st Rewrite)
    7.On a Wing and a Prayer (1st Rewrite)
    8.A Head as Hard as Rock (1st Rewrite)
    9.The Breaking Point---(Continued)
    10.Nobody Said it was Easy---(Continued)
    11.Now Isn't Forever---(Continued)
    12.Home is Where the Heart Is
    13.Isolation
    14.Salvation---(Continued)
    15.Shock and Terror---(Continued)
    16.Exile: Part 1
    16. Exile: Part 2
    17. Truth or Reconciliation
    18.Cutting to the Chase
    19.Escape
    20.Shock of the Lightning
    21.Resolve
    22.Training Day
    23.Turnabout
    24.Lost and Found---(Continued)
    25.Deserted
    26.Fossil Fuels
    27.The Meteor Stratagem
    28.Magma Rising



    PM List
    BladedScizor ; blaziken33 ; elyvorg ; Brumrha ; Last Disaster
    MayfanXD ; Maze ; Air Dragon ; bobandbill ; Manaphyman
    Luphinid Silnaek ; fishyfool ; SnoringFrog ; Ultimatallic ; Slipomatic
    SamuraiDragon1 ; Kinger810 ; Lolitar ; Chimpchar ; lloyd094
    Drippy Miltank ; BWfan ; Resident evil



    Disclaimer/Author’s Notes Below (Don't bother reading them.)

    -I think there will be some corny "feel good" moments, but it IS a drama, so you’re going to have to deal with it. :p A few of them are cringe-worthy.

    -I decided to write a story awhile ago and I had a lot of ideas in my head.

    -I based the main pokemon protagonist’s personality partly from the Treecko from the pokemon show, but I expanded on it greatly. I also decided that I wanted to use the idea from some of my favorite episodes from the show, "Tree's a Crowd", “Odd pokemon Out” and a very small portion from “Cutting the Ties that Bind” but I heavily revamped them to suit my story but some of the underlying plot is still there. I decided before starting to write that I wanted to do this. Huge portions of my plot and themes heavily rely on these parts, so I can't get rid of them even if I wanted to. :p That said, I do not own the plots to these episodes or the characters, although I did heavily change them to suit the story. /end insecurity

    -Feel free to point out any clichés so that I may give justification or say why I wanted to put them there.

    -Constructive Criticism is ENCOURAGED.

    -Besides the exceptions I have just mentioned, all simalarities to characters or stories...living, dead, or fictional, are coincidental and accidental. Cheers, Griff4815.


    The prologue is much, much shorter than my usual chapters, since it's only here to set the mood and anticipation for the story. Oh and I know I'm not supposed to call the Prologue "Prologue" but I wanted to put it there for formality. Once I post the first few chapters, the prologue will seem more in place.




    Prologue


    Everything was a dark green and brown blur in my eyes. The colours moved around frantically; I was unable to focus while I sprinted. All that I focused on was running away. I ran through the eerie, misty forest, bounding over roots and branches. There were few beams of light trying to enter the forest, clearly seen in the haze.

    I didn’t know what I was running from but I knew that I had to run. I knew I was being chased, I could sense it. Out of the corner of my eye I could see what appeared to be a moving shape- perhaps a figure- running beside me. It blended in with the forest but had a blur of red moving on it as it ran by my side, like there was a piece of the forest running with me. The red was the only way that I knew that it wasn’t part of the underbrush.

    The underbrush that I dashed in became denser. I felt myself trip over a hard, unwavering root and fall face first into the bushes and grass. I lay in the ground, expecting the worst. When it didn’t arrive I tried to get up and move forward, but my legs wouldn’t let me. I used my right arm to try and crawl forward.

    The dim figure in front of me extended its hand. I tried to reach it and grab it but I couldn’t reach. I looked up and saw a beautiful, almost angelic, shape of a girl I knew beside the figure. Behind them shined a blinding light. The girl had brown-red hair and smooth, natural skin. She smiled sweetly at me with an innocent yet beautiful face. I tried to grab for them but the two continued to be forever out of my reach. I tried to get up again but my legs were limp causing me to fall back to the ground. I moved forwards using only my hands to drag the rest of my body.

    I heard whispers and high, raspy shrieks of the unknown creature echoing. They boomed through the forest… but I knew they were only getting closer to me. They gradually grew louder and I struggled, helpless.

    I looked down at my left arm and saw a gigantic gash appear down my bicep. The flesh was completely ripped. I could see the grisly insides: still pumping veins and arteries, muscles which quivered in contraction, and exposed tissues. The arm stung with a cold numbness, but surprisingly no pain. I was horrified by the grizzly sight; I could feel every muscle in my chest constrict in fear.

    Oh, Arceus…my arm… its insides…" I thought in terror.

    I felt as if I should vomit but I couldn’t. IT… did this! I was sure that the next strike would kill me.

    The echoing of screeches all around flooded into my ears once more. I saw the glint of a metal blade in the very corner of my eye.

    This is it.

    Swish!

    Pain. A horrible, piercing pain was felt in my head. It was Not the dull pain of a headache, but more like someone… or something, slashed me in the head. All I then saw, seconds after, was a blinding light and a neutral sense of purgatory.

    All I saw was white.
     
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2011
  2. Griff4815

    Griff4815 No. 1 Grovyle Fan

    I revamped this chapter to fix up any errors. No MAJOR changes this chapter.


    The Launch of a Journey



    “PIDGEO, PIDGEO, PIDGEO.”

    Those were the words that Jeff heard as he awoke in a puzzled daze. Jeff twitched uncomfortably; this wasn’t the soft cot that he fell asleep in. He opened his eyes, revealing his green irises tinted with yellow surrounding the pupils.

    There was a bright light shining from the windows piercing into his confused cornea, causing his pupils to constrict in miosis. He squinted and he darted his eyes around. He found himself lying on the cold, wood paneled floor of his room. A sharp pain in the back of his head caused him to cringe.

    The pain would return every few seconds along with the obnoxiously loud squawks of the ongoing noise. It was as if this unknown force was mocking him. Jeff lazily rolled from his side onto his back. The pain did not return as he had expected it to, a few seconds later, although the sound “PIDGEO” still loudly hollered.

    Jeff jerked his head around, quickly looking around the room. He looked down at his bicep revealing a large healed scar down his arm. “Thank Arceus… it was just a dream.” He wiped the sweat from his brow and quickly scanned the room again… just in case.

    He got up onto one knee and his hands. Lying to his right was an opened copy of “Catch-22,” by Joseph Heller, as well as the “Hoenn Edition to the Guide of Starter Pokemon,” by Professor Birch.

    As he lazily read the name “Professor Birch” he remembered that the man was the local Pokemon professor for his small but lush hometown of Littleroot. He also taught Jeff in high school about the many different aspects of pokemon.

    I must’ve fallen out of bed,” Jeff thought to himself, remaining on one knee.

    He looked to the side of his end table and saw that the cause of the pain in his head was brought on by his Pidgeotto alarm clock, which was lying sideways on the floor. The wooden bird extended and contracted, and squawked from its static perch on the clock.

    He held the back of his head and proceeded to brush his hand through his dark brown hair, which was light and somewhat dense. Attempting to get his bearings, Jeff’s eyes darted to the window, which had a leafy tree branch brushing up against the glass as the wind blew. His eyes then looked to the beige wall.

    On the wall were two movie posters, tacked to the drywall. One was poster was advertising “Lone Wolf” starring Duke the Mightyena. The poster showed a grey and black wolf-like pokemon separated from its pack, walking away from them, baring his teeth with a large snarl on his face.

    The poster to the left of it was entitled “The Last Tree”. There was a picture of a Grovyle slumped against a lone tree on a hill, looking off deeply into the distance. “Starring ‘Nychus the Grovyle’, a thought-provoking, breathtaking ride!” read a review printed onto the poster. The Grovyle was a large, green raptor-like pokemon. He had a trio of green leaves protruding his arms and one long leaf crest jutting backwards out of his head. Jeff had remembered seeing a picture of a Grovyle in the book by his bed. Those were two of Jeff’s favorite movies; both were action/dramas.

    He idly fondled a long, lance-shaped leaf of the dragon tongue plant beside him as he stared at his wall. Jeff continued looking along the wall, stopping on a calendar. He focused in on his birthday, which was a few weeks away. Jeff would become seventeen, shortly. A square on the calendar caught Jeff’s eye. It was today’s date circled in red marker.

    Jeff blinked in revelation. “Today’s the day I get my first pokemon!” he thought to himself in unadulterated excitement.

    He lazily slumped his head to the side, glancing at the fallen clock on the floor. His green eyes widened upon reading the alarm clock, which had ceased pecking him.

    “Oh, crap, I’m REALLY late!” Jeff sputtered, frantically sitting upright, cracking his stiff back as he did so.

    He double checked the clock that lay sideways on the ground, making sure that he his rough sleep didn’t cause him to misread the time.

    He sighed in relief. “Oh, never mind. I thought the minute hand was the hour hand again. It’s really just eight fifteen,” Jeff thought to himself, sheepish and relieved.

    The teen got to his feet and stretched, growling in a low tenor voice as he did so. He walked up to his wall mirror and glanced at himself. He was shirtless and wore green plaid PJ pants. He looked in the mirror at his six feet tall, 135 pound stature. Jeff had a lean muscular build and a sturdy posture. Given his weight, he was no Machoke, though.

    He walked over to his tidy dresser and began to get changed. Jeff slowly got changed into his favourite set of clothes. This attire was his green T-shirt, a pair of roughed up, blue soccer shorts, and regular old socks.

    It’s finally happening…I’m going to leave town on my own pokemon journey, like most of my friends before me did.” He thought as he poked his head through his forest green shirt.

    Jeff had many friends who were aspiring pokemon trainers or coordinators. Most of them had already set out on their journey during late junior high or high school with their very own pokemon. They had been successful at doing what they do best- fight and show off… in Jeff’s opinion, anyways. Sure they could be jerks, he thought, but they were his best human friends and they were always fun to be around. Only a few remained with Jeff in high school for an indefinite period of time, including his best friend. He knew that they would eventually all go too.

    The reason Jeff did not start his pokemon journey when he was thirteen was because that he knew that most of the kids who set out at that age didn’t last very long as a trainer. The usual reason for this is that the pokemon would mature faster than the kid and in most cases have no respect for them. Besides, going out into the world knowing nothing of what’s coming and relying purely on your pokemon will not only get you hurt but, most importantly, your pokemon also. So Jeff decided to learn more about them and how to responsibly care for them by attending Professor Birch’s lectures.

    I guess I should at least put on deodorant,” he naggingly thought to himself, picking up a stick of deodorant. He rubbed the ‘Forest fresh’ scented deodorant on his underarms and checked the smell.

    This is going to be awesome. I’m going to show the whole world, including her, just what I’m made of. And me and my pokemon are going to be the best team, unlike before, when-… Forget that, Jeff, that’s in the past. The pokemon you’re going to choose is going to be awesome…”

    Jeff beamed in excitement as he rechecked his wallet to make sure that all of his saved-up cash was accounted for. He walked towards the door of his room, but stopped and turned before making it past the frame.

    “Oops, almost forgot.”

    Jeff went over to his wooden desk. The desk consisted of a backpack, a PC, old research papers about pokemon, and a cactus. He picked up his back pack which carried a few potions and antidotes, a great deal of additional saved up money, a sleeping bag and pillow, one of his dad’s medical kits and about three weeks worth of light meals to be rationed. He looked to the right of his PC, and picked up this odd twig, which was straight and had a smaller branch coming off of it diagonally, and let it rest in his mouth, habitually.

    For a year, Jeff would travel everywhere with that odd tree twig in his mouth. Only he and one other knew where it came from…

    Jeff exited his room and walked over the dull carpet, turning left to the stairs. He stopped in his tracks when he saw a light purple figure donned in boxing gear standing on the stairs.

    “Yo, Tyrogue, I’m finally going,” Jeff smiled to the superpower pokemon, who was the size of a child. Tyrogue smiled and continued walking past Jeff and into the workout room to weight lift.

    “Rogue, ty tyr.”

    Tyrogue was a pokemon caught by Jeff’s older brother. He decided to leave him here while he traveled to the Johto region. Jeff’s brother was eight years older than him. He left to start his own journey while Jeff was still in elementary school. Jeff had always admired his older brother and his starter pokemon. He was disappointed that he hadn’t seen them in some time.

    “Tyrogue!” Jeff called out, “I’ll come back here as soon as I pick my starter, okay?”

    “Rogue ro…” the Fighting Pokemon said, rolling his eyes.

    Jeff walked down the stairs and went towards the vestibule, which was home to shoes and coats. He slipped on a pair of white and green running shoes. He turned and yelled calmly into the kitchen to his mother.

    “Hey, Mom! I’m going to Professor Birch’s lab to get my pokemon, I’ll be back…”

    “Alright, dear!” She replied from the kitchen. “Don’t you want some breakfast breakfast? If you don’t have any now, Tyrogue will probably eat it all.”

    "Nah, I'm too excited to eat right now!" Jeff called back. Then, he suddenly remembered two vital members of the Growell family and asked, "Did Dad and Bayleef leave for the hospital yet?"

    “Yep, you just missed them!” She shouted back, preoccupied with making coffee.

    “Oh well…” Jeff replied, somewhat glumly. “Well I’m going now, I’ll come back before I leave town!”

    “Bring back a cute pokemon!” Mrs. Growell told him as he entered the cluttered vestibule.

    “I have something else in mind” Jeff muttered to himself, turning the brass doorknob. He stopped at the doorway, and took a deep breath before walking calmly out the door to his first pokemon
     
    Last edited: Sep 1, 2009
  3. Griff4815

    Griff4815 No. 1 Grovyle Fan

    A much more noticable revamp here. Added more depth and fixed most grammatical errors.


    The Roots of a Friendship


    1 year ago

    Jeff enjoyed exploring the nature outside of Littleroot Town. He often went out looking for new pokemon to study in their environment. The teen rarely found anything more than a docile Zigzagoon or an edgey Poochyena though. That afternoon, Jeff decided to travel north east from his regular route, hoping to see some new pokemon

    He was some distance away from the town this time around. Sliding his backpack off of his arm, he threw it carelessly on the grass by the base of a tree. The teen leaned back against an adjacent tree, which stood several feet away from a small, tranquil lakeside. Jeff looked up at the canopy line of the trees and noticed that a large shadow from something was blocking most of the canopies from the sunlight.

    He took out an apple and was about to bite into it when he heard some scurrying in the forest nearby. Jeff looked around and saw a Zigzagoon walk out of a bush and curiously approach him. The pokemon was a large brown and beige furred raccoon pokemon. Its fur appeared to be spiky, although it was really quite soft unless it was bristled as a defensive measure.

    Zigzagoon sniffed around, inspecting his apple with great desire. Jeff raised a hand to motion that he was friendly. Ever since he was young, Jeff had never felt any particular fear or hostility towards pokemon. Growing up with a family that had a Chikorita and other pokemon, he felt that they were no threat to him. He liked mostly all pokemon as long as they were at least indifferent towards him.

    Jeff decided to crouch down in front of it and hand the creature his full apple. The Zigzagoon beamed and began to happily munch on it. “Zigza!” it replied in thanks. Jeff smiled and moved away from the tree he was backed against in order to get some more food from his bag.

    The pokemon watched him and rapidly chewed the apple in its mouth. The Zigzagoon’s eyes remained following Jeff, who was now kneeling down to open his bag. The raccoon pokemon’s eyes widened and its rate of chewing decresed exponentially until its jaw finally just slackened and the remnants of food fell from its stunned mouth.

    “Z-z-z-zig…ZIGZA ZIGZAGOON!” it yelled at Jeff.

    The human looked up. “Huh? …What’s up? You look terrified.”

    The Zigzagoon looked as if it wanted to further warn Jeff, but its legs were already sprinting away. It ran in spontaneous zig-zags until finding enough composure to figure out which way to run.

    That was weird…” Jeff thought to himself.

    As Jeff watched the creature run, he felt a presence behind him. He noticed that a foreign shadow had cast over his back. A large chill crept down his spine. He could hear a swipe as if a sword was being swung in the air. His instincts got the better of him; he speedily stood up, turned around and saw a giant scythe ready to fall towards him. Attached to the scythe was a long green arm and above that the enraged face of a giant bug pokemon.

    The glowering face struck fear into the very soul of Jeff. Chills crawled up his spine like a hundred Beedrills were giving him acupuncture with their stingers. His green eyes widened, meeting with the pokemon’s hazel eyes. He felt adrenaline course through his veins and rush to his head and limbs.

    Jeff briefly remembered Professor Birch talking about a pokemon like this in one of his lectures. He recalled him saying something about a blinding fury towards the colour red. Of course, Jeff decided to where a red t-shirt for his hike that day, but instead of beating himself up about it, he decided to take action.

    As the scythe began to be brought down, Jeff nimbly jumped to his right and he instinctively punched the creature in the face with his right arm. Jeff used his training from when he sparred with Tyrogue.

    “Scyyythe!” It stumbled back a step and then instantaneously lunged, even angrier, towards Jeff. “THER!!”

    The terrifying mantis brought its claw down on Jeff. The blade slashed from Jeff’s left shoulder, cutting diagonally down the bicep, the gash ending above his elbow.

    “GRAAAAAAGGHHH” Jeff yelled in blinding pain. He could feel the metal slice through his skin, taking pieces with the blade, and exit. He felt as if someone had poured oil in the cut before throwing a match into the gash. Jeff turned and fell to one knee, saliva spitting from his clenched teeth through the laboured growls. His face whitened from the blood loss yet he felt beads of sweat form on his brow. Although his legs were trembling, Jeff took advantage of his adrenaline; he clutched his slashed bicep, turned, and ran behind him.

    Jeff hobbled away from the pokemon, who was recovering from the powerful slash. Jeff ran with all of his strength into the forest, hearing the terrorizing cries of the bug pokemon echoing all around him. His speed was fuelled by his blistering pain; it acted as the nine-tails whip of a slave driver coercing Jeff onward, for fear of a fate worse than being beaten. He ran over verdant ferns and hopped over roots, clutching his bleeding arm as he went.

    Jeff dove behind this huge, lush, towering tree, which had many thick branches attached to it. Jeff was bleeding profusely from his arm. He pressed his back up against the tree and looked over his shoulder to his right. Jeff could hear a rustling above him; he darted his head up and saw leaves move and then nothing. He was positive that Scyther was moving above him, but for all he knew it was just the wind. The giant bug was nowhere to be found. But then Jeff looked to his left and saw the sneering face of the giant green bug right in front of him.

    The pokemon grunted in his face and Jeff’s heart sank. The only thing between him and the scythe was a small twig, attached to the tree beside him about at Jeff’s scalp level.

    “SYYYTHHHE,” the creature wailed as its scythe began to fall towards Jeff.

    This is it, I’m dead,” Jeff thought as he leaned there, helplessly.

    He kept his eyes only on the twig in front of him, trying to face his fate with as much courage as possible. He could see the twinkle of the scythe and it got through about halfway into the twig and then stopped.

    Jeff looked towards the creature. Its eyes were wide, jaw open. Jeff looked down, puzzled, and saw a small green lizard, with a sturdy red chest, who had its large, dark green tail embedded into the bug’s abdomen. “Treecko tree” it said calmly with a high tenor voice. The bug pokemon doubled over while the new pokemon crawled up the massive trunk of the tree that Jeff was leaned against. The tree was staggeringly large; the trunk and canopy were colossal, but the tree itself wasn’t as lush and appeared to be in bad condition.

    The Scyther straightened itself, growled, and began to bat its wings, which created a chilling, humming sound. The snarling assailant flew after the lizard up the trunk. The green tree-climber was very quick and adept at scaling the bark. Before the Scyther knew it, its foe had disappeared in the immense canopy.

    The bug pokemon continued to fly vertically towards the tree top. Before it could brace itself it saw a big, green tail appear from seemingly nowhere and descend towards its face. The lizard’s mighty tail battered the Scyther backwards. The unexpected ambush caused Scyther’s aerial equilibrium to be compromised. It fell backwards and fell head first towards the ground. The Scyther tried to right itself in the air but it was too late; it hit the ground with a blunt smack. The heroic pokemon jumped from the tree and landed beside it, crossing his arms without a care. Scyther snarled and got to its feet.

    The green reptile stared into the pokemon’s eyes, unflinchingly. Scyther raised and swiped its razor arm in a vertical downwards action. The targeted pokemon jumped out of the way to his side. The claw hit the ground but missed its prey. Scyther quickly reared its left arm to its chest before swiping it towards the jumping green and ruby lizard. The wood gecko noticed the blade and quickly bent his head backwards in the air. He narrowly missed a decapitation but he still sustained a minor cut on his green chin. He landed on one knee and paused, taking a moment to wipe the blood from his neck. The now grinning lizard extended a finger and retracted it in a taunting fashion.

    His grin became serious when the Scyther drove his claw from the ground and rushed him, on foot. He walked towards his attacker with a calm, collected aura. The Scyther was ready to strike. The wood gecko picked up speed and ducked between the bugs. He moved behind it before quickly turning, tail first. The tail struck with great speed and power; it took out the Scyther’s legs, causing it to fall flat on its back. The mystery pokemon then jumped in the air and went into a somersault. He landed with his tail being driven into the Scyther’s face. He moved his tail from the target and saw that the Scyther’s eyes were closed and was definitely knocked out. It then turned around with a satisfied, smug grin and made eye contact with the wounded human.

    Jeff stared in a respectful awe at this unlikely hero.

    Why did he save me? He had to know that he was putting his life on the line. Most pokemon would have just went on their way or even helped with the beating! He almost died trying to help. He doesn’t know how much I owe him.”

    Jeff’s sight was compromised from the blood lost the entire battle so it wasn’t until the pokemon was still that he got a good glimpse of his saviour.

    Treecko… a Treecko?!” He thought, eyes widening in laboured joy. He immediately thought of his brother.

    He tried to get up to walk over to him, but Jeff was in too much pain. Instead, he walked over to Jeff. Jeff’s face was overwhelmed with the joy of being alive and that of being saved by a Treecko. Jeff managed a shaky smile. With the beam, he outstretched his hand. Treecko grinned and closed his eyes. He turned around and, to Jeff’s surprise and delight, answered the gesture of affection with his tail. This was Treecko’s way of returning the handshake. Jeff’s green-yellow eyes met Treecko’s purely yellow eyes and the two grinned.

    “Treecko Tree,” The lizard said as the two shuck hands…err, tails?

    Jeff’s light headedness got the better of him. He then fell over on his right side, in pain. Treecko rushed over to his side and saw the open wound. Treecko licked Jeff’s wound, swashed the blood around in his mouth, and then spat it out. Treecko used that method to check if there was poison from Scyther’s attack in Jeff’s bloodstream. At first Jeff was very confused yet, surprisingly, not worried. He then came to understand that Treecko was, in fact caring for him.

    “So you’re a Treecko, huh?” Jeff asked him, as he admired the small, green savior. Treecko nodded and spat out the remainder of the blood and indicated that there was no poison present. “Don’t Treecko usually live in packs?” Jeff continued to attempt small talk.

    Treecko opened his mouth to respond but then turned away.

    What was that about?” Jeff wondered. Jeff thought about what Treecko was like. He imagined him to be by himself, a loner. “Maybe he didn’t have any friends.”

    Poor guy,” The dazed Jeff thought, assuming that the Treecko wanted friends.

    Jeff both admired and pitied the Treecko for this brash thought, mainly because he could relate, despite the fact that Jeff now has many friends. Maybe he wanted friends but his Treecko friends rejected him. Maybe he chose to be alone but couldn’t help wanting at least one good friend. The admiration grew along with the sadness. He stared deeply into the Treecko’s eyes.

    A rash thought crossed Jeff’s mind, but he quickly discarded what he thought was a crazy idea. Jeff sighed, wishing that his idea would actually work if he asked.

    Treecko patted his shoulder and pointed upwards, indicating that he’d be right back. He climbed up the tree and brought back a vine, a few large leaves, a thorn, and slender strips of birch bark. Treecko hastily tied the vine around Jeff’s left shoulder, just above the wound, in an attempt to cut off the blood circulation in his arm, to staunch the bleeding. Treecko then applied the leaves to the wound, using them as bandages. As soon as the bleeding began to stop, Treecko grounded up some moss from the ground in his hands and sprinkled it in the wounds. Immediately after that, he stuck the thorn at the end of the long bark rope; he used that to stitch Jeff’s wound closed.

    “Why are you helping me?” Jeff asked as he cringed, looking at Treecko, confused.

    “Treecko cko treecko!” Treecko grinned and helped him to his feet.

    “I owe you one… big time. I promise I’ll pay you back.”

    Treecko nodded, not expecting him to.

    Jeff looked at the twig which was half cut off. It was straight with a diagonal branch coming off of the center side of it. He decided to break it off and take it with him, so that he would never forget the day that a Treecko that did not know Jeff, and that Jeff did not know, saved him.

    “No, I promise that I’ll find you again and then make us even! I swear that I’ll repay you, Treecko!”

    Treecko stared into Jeff’s eyes and saw that he was being very sincere, if not rather odd and extreme. The wood gecko smirked slightly and closed his eyes in thought.

    “Thank you for saving me. I hope we’ll meet somewhere again.” Jeff thanked him as he stood, wobbly.

    The Treecko nodded, thinking that this human was nuts, waited until he was sure Jeff could walk, and climbed the epically large tree, which Jeff was backed against, roosting up on a large branch. Jeff put the twig that he broke off into his pocket as a reminder of this day.

    As he slowly, and somewhat glumly, went back to the town, he looked back at the Treecko sitting on the branch looking off into the sunset. Jeff was surprised to see that the Treecko had also placed an identical twig from the same tree in his own mouth. Jeff’s heart warmed, though the Treecko had that twig the whole time.

    “Perhaps we were not so different after all…”
     
    Last edited: Sep 1, 2009
  4. Griff4815

    Griff4815 No. 1 Grovyle Fan

    Don't be afraid to review or give constructive criticism. I'd really like to know what I can improve on in future chapters.
     
  5. Sammi

    Sammi Banned

    You need to work on your description a bit. Maybe is too much of an everyday word. Perhaps would have sounded better. And the word "as" looked over used...
    It could be better.
    Try to improve a bit. Like that, use big words, stick words around, don't just use "I ____".
    Again, could have been described better, more dramatically. Like this...
    If I were to review the next two chapters, I'd only be repeating what I said above.
     
  6. SapphireRose

    SapphireRose Morning☼Sun

    Yep, Sammi ^ pretty much said it all.
    Descriptions could be WAY better. You didn't describe a Mightyena or Treecko at all. None. I have the games, I've done the research online, but here I'm pretending I'm completely...utterly...totally...

    stupid.

    I pretend I have no idea what people here are talking about so that's what makes me a better reviewer. I know dang well what every Pokemon looks like, save D/P ones. But as a good reviewer, I can't know. You must explain what everything looks like. You did really well with Jeff, saying he flexed his biceps and showed the scar. You said he brushed his dark hair. OK maybe you didn't, but you wanted to. I'm not sure. Anyway, you included description as the story meandered along, like a river.

    OK, with a river, it starts as a stream. This is your character in the beginning. He is small. You don't know much about him, and he pretty much goes unnoticed.

    But then...

    As the river goes along its way, it picks up more water, and maybe the occasional pebble. A pebble is a secondary character. Now your water, the river, the main character, has a buddy to go on this trip with him. They are friends.

    Suddenly...

    You hit a pond. This is the first main thing that should happen in your plot. Something small, to go with your still-small characters. It could be a party, a kidnapping, a finding of some sort. You decide. This is one small step in your fic because this *action* is going to help your bigger *action* fall into place. Whatever your plot will end up as, this will help it go forward and get there.

    Then...

    After some time, the river will hit the ocean. Along the way, it has picked up quite a few things. Dirt, sand, pebbles, maybe even a big stone. It has also grown in size. It is no longer a stream, but a wide, deep, flowing waterway. This is your advanced character. You, as the reader, know about him, feel what he does, know what he knows, and can relate. Now this character can face whatever is ahead, because he is strong. The ponds he has tackled before prepared him for the ending of the plot. An epic battle, the sacrifice of his long-time buddy, the pebble, or whatever you made it.

    This is how a fic goes. It goes for the story itself and the descriptions of the characters. Ha! You thought that I had forgotten my main topic while rambling on about all that, didn't you? Well, think again! Back on topic, the river is now in the ocean of all the other fics on this great site. Your character is described, not only physically, but mentally. He has survived the world and is unstoppable. But don't make him unbeatable, because then it would be a Gary-Stu, which is a big fanfic no-no. Just end the fic smoothly, because then the river is done, the journey over, and his quest complete. Ahh, take a breath of clean air, because now, you, my friend, have just taken the journey with him, you are him, and this review closes like a river as well.

    Keep on truckin' my friend, and I'll keep posting.
     
  7. angrycaterpie

    angrycaterpie Gaze upon the slayer

    Ahem... this is Griff's story, Blue Mew. Not like you are, but don't commandeer it.

    Also, the above pretty much explains it. I liked it though. I'll check up on it daily.
     
  8. SapphireRose

    SapphireRose Morning☼Sun

    Hey! I'm not saying that his is wrong or anything! I'm just SUGGESTING a way for fics to flow and for character descriptions to be less boring. We don't even know the plot yet, so chill out! I'm not commanding it. I have a fic going on of my own, so that's how I'M going to write it. He has a choice to take my advice or not. Sorry about the ranting.

    Mee likeyed it too so I'm going to be around. Keep on truckin'!
     
  9. Griff4815

    Griff4815 No. 1 Grovyle Fan

    Thanks for all of the advice and for clarifying one of my uncertainties: I didn't know whether to assume whether the reader was reading as if they knew the pokemon already or was reading as if they were reading about pokemon for the first time.

    Well actually, I did describe Treecko when he is first introduced.

    I'll revise my next chapter and post it today.
     
    Last edited: Aug 23, 2007
  10. Griff4815

    Griff4815 No. 1 Grovyle Fan

    I revamped this chapter too.


    Retributions


    1 Year Ago, later that night.

    The cool, night breeze irritated Jeff’s crudely stitched gash. He poked at it, idly, picking at the dried blood that formed a still trickle down his arm, like sap on a tree trunk.

    Jeff slowly limped over the forest bed; sticks broke and leaves crunched beneath his heavy feet. Every so often, he turned his head around, paranoid of more pokemon who didn’t think red was his color. He heard a light scampering in the brush around him.

    What if it’s a Caterpie?!” Jeff thought to himself, genuinely nervous. “Their horns are kind of sharp… and what if it… tackles me?” he brooded over, trying to justify his fear.

    Arceus! I’ve never been afraid of pokemon before! I never thought that one could or would actually kill me… I never thought that one would help me in that situation, either, though. I feel helpless without that Treecko here.”

    Jeff hurried his footsteps. He wanted to leave so much but at the same time he wanted to go back into the pitch black forest. Large branches obstructed his path so he had to step over them. Jeff turned around to look behind him while he walked, but he tripped over a large stick. The injured teen fell and landed on a large root, his wounded arm taking the blunt of the impact.

    “HRAAAARGHHH!!” Jeff screamed out in pain. He clutched his arm and rolled onto his other side. Jeff removed his hand from the cut and saw that one of the crude, bark stitches had ripped and began to bleed again.

    Damnit… I’m screwed,” he thought hopelessly, looking at the severe gash, tied by white strips of birch bark. He bit his lip looking at the seeping wound. Jeff didn’t know how much blood he could lose. Through the underbrush he could see the familiar, dull, orange gleam of a street light. “You’re almost there…get up, Jeff! Get up!”

    He struggled to get to his knee and before the hard part of standing to his feet. He stood and leaned against a tree, panting with indistinguishable grunts. Jeff hobbled towards the lights. He felt weight being lifted onto his shoulders as he painfully stepped onto the comforting asphalt.

    “I’m home… and out of that forest… thank Arceus.” Jeff turned his head and looked back into the forest and thought, “…Treecko…”

    Jeff noticed a rustling in the bushes. He turned to face the noise in a worried prospect. Suddenly, a brown blur jumped towards him from out of the underbrush. Jeff stepped back in surprise but tripped and landed on his tailbone.

    “Argh, what the!?”

    “Zig…” the pokemon beamed expectantly.

    Jeff looked in confusion wondering if it was the same Zigzagoon from early or if it was just really friendly.

    “Have we met?” Jeff asked in inquiry.

    The Zigzagoon nodded his head vigorously and rubbed against Jeff’s leg, overjoyed that he was still alive.

    “You still hungry? Sure, I’ll leave the whole ‘abandoning me when I was about to die’ incident behind us…” Jeff teased.

    Zigzagoon looked down, guiltily.

    “Seriously though, it’s no problem, I’ll see if there’s anything left in my bag…” Jeff reassured, grabbing for the strap of his backpack, but he grabbed only cloth from his shirt.

    Jeff turned his head to find that his backpack was not on his back. Jeff recalled back to where he dropped his backpack before being attacked by Scyther. He had to run, not bothering with the bag. Then he met Treecko, he remembered.

    “Ugh, damnit…sorry, bud, I forgot my backpack back at the lake. Now I have to go get it,” Jeff explained to the disappointed pokemon. Jeff was secretly terrified of going back into the forest… but he knew he had to get it.

    Zigzagoon nodded and gestured Jeff to follow him back into the forest. Jeff slowly followed Zigzagoon though the under brush. Jeff saw familiar trees and grass patches while they slowly trudged. The trees became more spread out, although there were still large patches of bushes and underbrush to all of their sides. They were very wary of the unknown area. It felt like they would be sucked under the grass at any minute.

    There was a noisy crackling of branches coming from the wall of shrubs. The two stepped back, cagey as to what the rustling was coming from. With the noise came gasps and heavy breathing. It became mind-numbingly louder, the anticipation was killing them.

    What if it’s Scyther?” Jeff thought, his legs beginning to tingle and gain adrenaline from the idea of the returning dread. The rustling grew louder; so did the panting. Zigzagoon snarled and put on a menacing face for Jeff. He growled but he could feel his small legs trembling in fear; Zigzagoon’s cowardly nature got the better of him and he caved in trepidation and bolted away.

    “Coward!” Jeff called to him. “Oh crap… I’m completely alone. I can’t even run straight let alone escape. He left me… and now I’m screwed.” He stepped backwards but his equilibrium was still off from the blood loss. He fell down hard on his tailbone. Jeff could now see bright green moving in the bushes. The petrified teen braced himself and closed his eyes.

    He awaited the blade as a doomed king awaited the guillotine. But nothing came; no pain, no “whish”, no Scyther. Jeff opened his eyes and saw the green silhouette of Treecko standing over him, his backpack in hand. The moonlight shined upon the Treecko, illuminating a healed scar down his green collarbone which Jeff did not notice before.

    A wave of relief swept over Jeff, although, fleetingly wondered where that Treecko had received that scar. Maybe from a fight… or torture. He wasn’t sure.

    “It’s you again!” Jeff yelled in joy. “…Nice twig.” Jeff smiled, gesturing to the identical twig in his mouth.

    Treecko faintly grinned and threw the backpack by the strap to him. “Treecko tree tree cko.”

    “You didn’t have to find me to give this back! I was perfectly capable…” insisted Jeff, before half being interrupted and half knowing that he couldn’t pull off the lie in his situation.

    “Treecko cko tree treecko,” Treecko chuckled in a mocking fashion.

    “I only fell down once!” Jeff defended himself, even though he fell much more than that. “…But, really… thank you,” Jeff said graciously, picking up the backpack with his right hand.

    Treecko turned to go back to his massive tree behind him; he began to walk back into the thick brush. Jeff decided he would ask what he had planned to ask on their last encounter.

    Jeff called to Treecko before he was fully camouflaged by the plants, “Hey, Treecko… uhh… how would you like to come back to my home for some food?”

    Treecko pondered for a minute and then his stomach growled loudly. His face turned a faint shade of red and he nodded, his stomach already answering for him.

    “Hah, great! I’ll lead the way back!” Jeff beamed as they tromped back the way he came. “This is terrific! I’m really starting to feel a connection with this guy!” he thought to himself.

    They walked through the underbrush until Jeff tripped over a white spiky rock. He managed to avoid falling on his bad arm this time, but the shock from the fall still sent a wave of pain into his wound. He groaned as he rolled on his back to see what he tripped on. That white spiky rock had angry, red eyes.

    “Is that a…Silcoon…or a Cascoon…or something?” Jeff thought out loud, scrambling away from it. Treecko nodded and took a defensive stance, just in case.

    From behind the white, spiky pokemon, who was like a volleyball, appeared a white-bellied bug. The blood on Jeff’s arm matched the colour of its bumpy dorsal. Its beady yellow eyes stared angrily at Jeff. The Wurmple, who was seemingly friends with the Silcoon, began to yell at the two.

    Treecko began to calmly respond to the two bugs pointing at Silcoon and then at Jeff. “Tree tree cko cko Treecko…” he retorted, angrily but calmly.

    Treecko had obviously struck a nerve with Wurmple. The ****** off bug let out a stream of white silk from his mouth. The string shot attack stuck to and wrapped around Treecko’s feet, tripping him backwards to the ground. The wood gecko growled before trying to rip the sticky silk tying his feet. From his mouth, Wurmple shot out a volley of purple pins at Treecko.

    Jeff’s eyes widened upon noticing the oncoming attack. Without time to think, he jumped in front of the attacking Wurmple and the helpless Treecko. He ripped the silk string from the grass type’s legs and picked him up with one arm. Jeff was aware of the poison pins coming at him from behind him, but he forced himself to protect the helpless Treecko, who was very weak to those poison attacks. Normally Jeff wouldn’t be as brave and reckless as to do this, but this time it was different.

    Five purple pins dug into the back of Jeff’s right calf. Jeff let out a throaty growl, falling to his right knee, dropping Treecko. Treecko maneuvered around Jeff and ran at the Wurmple and Silcoon. He whipped his tail around him once, hitting the Wurmple into the forest. The wood gecko then ran towards the sitting Silcoon and kicked it in the face; it sailed into the forest after the red and white bug.

    Treecko let out a grunt and ran back to Jeff, who looked at his red, swelling leg.

    “Treecko tree tree?” Treecko asked quickly, gesturing to Jeff’s bag.

    “Tools? Medicine? Antidote?” Jeff asked him, frantically trying to interpret him. “Yes, I think!” Jeff gave him the go ahead to dump out the bag.

    Treecko scrambled through the cluttered items and found only tweezers and water.

    “Treecko cko!?!” Treecko reprimanded him for not bringing good medicine.

    “Who carries around poison antidotes anymore!?!?” Jeff shot back.

    Treecko ignored that and walked up to Jeff’s wounded calf muscle. He used the tweezers, having to use both of his hands, to pull out the five needles. With each needle, Jeff grimaced; blood and a foreign yellow substance seeped from the holes.

    Treecko indicated that Jeff’s leg was, indeed, poisoned.

    “Damn…what can we do? We have no antidotes and we won’t make it to town!” Jeff sputtered with panic in his voice.

    Treecko raised a finger, telling Jeff that he had a last chance idea.

    Treecko picked up the silk that Wurmple shot, and tied it tightly above Jeff’s knee, cutting off the blood circulation from the leg to the rest of the body.

    “Ok, so now the poison will only eat away at my leg!” Jeff grunted, starting to feel the burning poison in his veins. He looked down and saw that his leg was turning a sickly yellow color.

    “Treecko tree!” Treecko gestured, pointing at his mouth and pointing to the wound.

    Jeff looked at Treecko, sceptically. “Uh, Treecko…contrary to what our mothers tell us, kissing wounds doesn’t actually make them heal faster,” Jeff explained.

    Treecko slapped his head and began to make the gesture to his mouth, then Jeff’s leg, then made a passing motion behind him.

    “Ohh, you want to get the poison out yourself?! No! Don’t do anything that will involve you getting poisoned instead!" Jeff stubbornly ordered, shutting down Treecko’s idea before he could pitch it. The poison began to slowly burn inside Jeff’s leg, causing the puncture wounds to swell out and ooze.

    “Please, quickly think of something else!” Jeff urged, cringing. Treecko rubbed his chin in thought and then raised a finger in enlightenment.

    Treecko quickly looked around at the ground for things he could use. He picked up a handful of small, red-speckled green leaves, a very thin, long reed, a wooden bowl from Jeff’s backpack, and a small rock. He threw the leaves into the bowl and began to grind them with the rock. He ground the leaves into a thick, white paste, added more leaves and repeated the process until there was a decent amount of paste in the bowl.

    “What is that, some kind of antidote?” Jeff questioned, now beginning to see the bowl in double vision. His sight seemed to begin to amplify the light of the world; the midnight darkness began to seem more like dusk.

    Treecko nodded and sucked the liquid into the straw-like reed, which he put in his mouth. He removed the reed from his mouth and put a finger over the end of the straw to ensure that the medicine wouldn’t drip out.

    Jeff stared at Treecko nervously, who counted down with his fingers before he drove the reed into the hole-shaped wounds. He let go of the top of the reed and began to blow hard into the reed. Jeff grimaced as the substance entered his blood stream. He could feel the crudely made medicine compromise his poison-flooded blood. Treecko took the reed out of his leg and could see a mixture of blood, poison, pus, and medicine drip from the wounds. Lastly, he tied a leaf tightly around the wounds and folded his arms, proudly.

    “I really don’t know how to thank you…I owe you two!” Jeff smiled, some color returning to his face. “If you keep saving me I could probably nominate you to get you knighted!” chuckled Jeff, weakly.

    “Cko tree” Treecko said as he put up one finger, reminding Jeff that he saved his butt from Wurmple, so therefore, only one.

    Jeff smiled at this as he tried to get to his feet. Treecko held and supported Jeff’s wounded leg as he stood. Jeff fell back against a tree and slumped to the ground, unconscious. After what seemed to Jeff like ages, he awoke and struggled to sit upright. His arm and leg still seared with pain. He quickly looked around him, no Treecko in sight.

    “Tree…Treecko?” Jeff called out in a raspy voice; his mouth was very dry.

    “Cko? Treecko?” Jeff heard a voice reply from above him. Treecko stared down at Jeff from a branch of the tree, which Jeff slept against. It was still night so Jeff could only see the yellow glint of his eyes. Treecko hopped down the tree and, once again, helped Jeff stand. They began to slowly walk through the forest towards Jeff’s house, into the dark, misting forest. After a painstaking half hour, they finally reached the edge of Littleroot Town.

    “Follow my lead,” Jeff advised weakly.

    Jeff, followed by Treecko, passed Professor Birch’s lab; all but one light was off and it was closed for the night. They walked down the straight, dirt road towards Jeff’s house. By now the streetlights were off and the streets were deserted.

    “Peaceful, isn’t it?” Jeff asked Treecko. Treecko remained silent and looked around, ponderously.

    They walked up to a medium sized home with white panels and a black roof. Treecko helped Jeff up the stairs and Jeff withdrew a key from his pocket. He inserted the key stealthily into the slot and slowly clicked it open.

    Jeff and Treecko walked quietly straight down the dark hall to his kitchen. Mud and leaves from their feet littered the hallway when they walked to the tiled kitchen. Jeff turned on a light and saw Tyrogue standing on top of the tiled counter, staring accusingly.

    “Ty tyrogue rogue ro tyro!” Tyrogue reprimanded Jeff for being so late.

    Jeff looked at the time on the stove and it was 2:34 AM.

    “Sorry…I got held up,” Jeff explained, brandishing his scarred arm and wounded leg.

    Tyrogue looked worried. “It’s nothing, really,” Jeff assured him.

    Another pokemon entered from another room, to the left of Jeff and Treecko. The pokemon’s four legs walked from the hardwood floor to the white tile. It had light green skin and a bulb-like head. Protruding from the scalp of the head was a large, dark green broad leaf. The pokemon also had a necklace of buds, from one of the buds came a long green vine, which the pokemon used to scratch its tired eyes with.

    “Chiko?” peeped the Chikorita with an obviously female voice. She looked over at Jeff and noticed the grass type in the shadows behind Jeff. Chikorita stared at the wood gecko, intrigued.

    Tyrogue also saw Treecko, as well as Chikorita looking at the unfamiliar pokemon, and hopped down from the counter, parallel of Jeff and Treecko, fists raised and ready to fight.

    “TYR!” He yelled as if saying, “INTRUDER!”

    Tyrogue ran towards Treecko, fists up. Treecko prepared to defend himself. Chikorita let out a vine whip from the darkness and restrained Tyrogue’s arms before he could attack Treecko.

    “Settle down, man. Treecko here saved me twice. I brought him back here as a thanks. Tyrogue, why don’t you make us some sandwiches? You do owe me one after losing that arm wrestle last week…” Jeff grinned.

    Chikorita released Tyrogue, who scowled and reluctantly opened the fridge, which was in the right corner of the kitchen, and took out supplies.

    Treecko rechecked Jeff’s leg wound to make sure it wasn’t badly infected. As Treecko and Jeff were distracted, Tyrogue slipped a few extremely hot peppers into their sandwiches. He then walked over to the two and handed them a plate with two large sandwiches on it with an impish grin. Jeff thanked Tyrogue and the two dug into the food. To Tyrogue’s dismay, Jeff and Treecko were unmoved by the hot peppers.

    “Hey Tyrogue, this is really good! I should beat you in an arm wrestle more often!” Jeff grinned as they finished up the food and left the kitchen.

    Chikorita began to laugh at Tyrogue’s failed attempt at the prank. She was answered by a cold glare.

    “Hey Treecko, I’m going to go up to the washroom to put some disinfectant on these wounds, feel free to get acquainted with Tyrogue and Chikorita,” Jeff clarified.

    Treecko decided to hang about, solitary, in the hallway, deciding to keep to himself rather than branch out to the other two pokemon. Tyrogue walked up to Treecko and outstretched a hand. Treecko stared at the hand and then back up at Tyrogue.

    “<Ok…anyways, my name is Tyrogue. It’s nice to meet Jeff’s two time saviour,>” Tyrogue kidded himself through his teeth.

    “<Uh huh, I’m Treecko,>” he replied, without enthusiasm. Tyrogue was taken aback by this attitude, but he still tried to pretend to be nice.

    “<So you really saved Jeff twice, huh? He must really owe you,>” Tyrogue exclaimed, with a hidden agenda.

    Chikorita eyed them from the kitchen.

    Treecko shook his head. “<Well technically he saved me once so he only…’owes me’ one,>” he explained.

    “<I guess he thought that this visit would make up for it, then,>” Tyrogue grinned.

    “<Huh?>” Treecko questioned.

    “<Well you just met Jeff, so you wouldn’t know…>” Tyrogue began, “<Jeff is a very proud guy, he can’t let a good favor towards him go unrewarded. He would feel as if it’s charity, which he finds insulting to receive,>” Tyrogue explained, twisting the truth.

    Treecko began to think. “<…I thought he was being generous because he wanted to be friends,>” he said, beginning to question himself.

    “<Well you’d think that…but really…no. Trust me, I’ve known Jeff for a long time, he hates owing people and hates even more to be owed,>” Tyrogue bluntly put it. Although Treecko didn’t know it, Tyrogue clearly didn’t want Treecko anywhere near him or Jeff… or Chikorita.

    Treecko’s heart sunk. “<I see. I'm not surprised…>” he apathetically muttered.

    Tyrogue patted his back. “<C’mon pal, don’t be so hard on yourself,>” Tyrogue feigned encouragement. “<My advice, get out of here before you accidentally save him again…or vice versa,>” Tyrogue muttered with a proud scowl.

    Treecko began to walk towards the door, head dragging slightly. Chikorita glared at Tyrogue, who beamed happily back at her; his plan had worked! Jeff walked down the stairs beside them.

    Treecko, hurt, began to exit the front door.

    “You’re going now?” Jeff asked glumly.

    Treecko nodded and began to walk outside. “Treecko tree,” he thanked Jeff for the food.

    “Here, let me walk with you to the edge of the forest,” Jeff offered.

    In silence, the two walked down the steps and down the front walkway. The streetlights had been turned off so the road was dark. They turned left at the sidewalk and walked up the incredibly long road which stopped at the forest. All that could be heard was their light footsteps as well as the soft hums of Kricketots and the light wing beats of the occasional Zubat. As soon as they were out of sight, Tyrogue closed the door and smiled with a self-satisfied grin.

    Chikorita looked menacingly at Tyrogue. “<That was pretty low, you jerk. What’s your problem with Treecko, anyways?>”

    “<The minute I saw him, I hated the ugly *sshole, did you see the way he ignored me?!>”

    “<I guess I shouldn’t be surprised…his collected solitary attitude must be very threatening to your strong, alpha male masculinity…just like with Jeff and that Alan guy from down the street…>” Chikorita grinned slyly.

    “<Cram it, Chikky!>” Tyrogue shot back.

    “<Aw, did I strike a nerve?” Chikorita mocked. “<But seriously, why’d you have to go and do that? I liked him; I thought he was cool and cute and handsome and…>” Chikorita gazed off, starry eyed.

    “<Well you can forget about the wedding bells, sis, because he ain’t coming back!>” Tyrogue smirked, maliciously.

    Jeff and Treecko had walked in silence the entire time until they reached the forest edge and stopped.

    “We’ll meet again…” Jeff reassured. “I’ll try and meet you at your tree sometime.”

    The two locked on each other’s eyes and nodded. Treecko slowly trudged off into the forest and Jeff limped back to his house.

    After five minutes of walking, Jeff turned his head back and looked at the forest. He saw a brief flash of light in the forest as he turned his head back forward.

    “What was that?!” he asked himself, double taking. “Was that… nah, it couldn’t have been Treecko. Must’ve been another pokemon… maybe I’m still woozy from the blood loss. Now that I think of it… I’m exhausted.”

    He walked up his steps and collapsed on the porch, slumped against the metal railing.

    He stared off into space until he saw Professor Birch proudly march by him, a pokeball in hand.

    “Hello there, Jeff!” greeted Professor Birch, smugly.

    “Hey there, Professssss…” Jeff fell on his back, falling into sleep. When Professor Birch galumphed off, Jeff stared up at the stars and finally fell asleep on the hard, wooded porch.

    Tyrogue opened the door and found Jeff wiped out. He dragged Jeff inside and placed him on a couch in the living room, to the left of hallway. Jeff went to the hospital in the morning, as well as to visit that old tree. Little did he know, he would be very disappointed.

    ------------------------------------------------------

    4 Months Ago

    “I can’t believe it!” Jeff grunted, punching air in a martial arts stance: one foot forward and one foot sideways. “Do you think he just upped and left?”

    “Rogue, tyrooo tyrogue!” Tyrogue shrugged and urged Jeff to focus.

    Tyrogue, who belonged to Jeff’s family, tutored Jeff in the martial arts as well as training. Every second day they would work out and body build every muscle. Every other day would be for the training of various basic and complex martial arts.
    This was in anticipation for beginning his rough journey.

    The lights were turned off and it was night time; they were practicing fighting in the dark. This helped to improve the awareness of the senses other than sight. Jeff stepped forwards towards Tyrogue, who aimed a punch for his face. Jeff deflected the punch with his left and landed a punch of his own with his right. Tyrogue was thrown backwards, but used the momentum from the force to land on his hand and bounce back at Jeff, feet first. Jeff flew backwards and landed on the practice mat, in a room similar to a small gym.

    Jeff got to his feet and wiped the blood from his lip. He stepped forwards, ready for more. Tyrogue turned on the lights, raised a thumb, and pointed with it behind them, indicating that they should have a break.

    “You’re sure growing strong…I wouldn’t be surprised if you evolved soon,” Jeff complimented. He looked down, a lot on his mind. Mostly he thought about how Treecko disappeared or how he was ignoring him. He wondered if he did something wrong when Treecko came to his house. Maybe he simply hated him.

    Jeff walked over to the side of the room and poured water on himself.

    “I’ve been going to that tree twice a week for the past eight months; he wasn’t there each of the times. I’ve tried everything! I’ve searched the entire forest with a Pidgey that I borrowed from Professor Birch. Did I say something wrong? Maybe he found a new home or maybe he’s…no! He’s around, he’s just out!” Jeff complained, in denial.

    Tyrogue looked down, guiltily. He was upset at himself for having ruined Jeff’s friendship with the pokemon, as much as he hated that Treecko. Tyrogue gave him a light punch of encouragement with the words. “Tyr-ro-rogue, tyro,” he said, trying to be optimistic.

    The two went down to the kitchen to add ice to their cuts. Jeff didn’t mind the pain of the sparring. The pain gave him adrenaline, which kept him wanting to fight more. The training was good for both Tyrogue and Jeff. They entered the kitchen and Jeff opened the freezer, since Tyrogue was much too short. He threw a bag of ice to Tyrogue, who looked at the back. The glass door at the back of the kitchen led to their nature-ridden, small backyard.

    “Rogue ty tyro?” Tyrogue asked as he splashed water on his face. Tyrogue held up three pictures that he found strewn on the counter. On them were the three possible starting pokemon for Littleroot Town. On the first picture was the familiar lizard-like face of Treecko. The second had an orange chick-like pokemon known as Torchic. The third was a picture of Mudkip, a blue quadruped mudfish pokemon. Jeff probably would have been able to tell what Tyrogue was saying without the reiteration. This was because he has been around and that they have been such good friends that Tyrogue was pretty much like a human.

    “Treecko…” Jeff mumbled, “I don’t know about it, anymore. At this point it could be just about any of them!” he explained, contemplating the options. He hopped up on the counter next to Tyrogue and began to think. He pictured three different scenarios in his mind. In each he thought of leaving the lab with each starter and compared what each one would be like. The Mudkip seemed like it would be the most fun to journey with. Jeff could see it hopping around him, all excited and happy. He then thought of Torchic. He pictured the Torchic being very affectionate towards him. With it Jeff would never feel lonely. But Jeff kept coming around to Treecko. He didn’t imagine Treecko being fun or loving… the wood gecko was just there, walking beside him calmly. He didn’t know why he, or anyone, would choose Treecko over the others… and perhaps they didn’t. But Jeff couldn’t see himself traveling with any pokemon other than Treecko. It just didn’t fit. Jeff may not have much of a choice in the matter anyways… it all depends who gets who first.

    Before taking a drink of water, Jeff exclaimed, “I think I know who I want to choose…”

    As Jeff downed an entire glass of water in one gulp he noticed something moving outside. Tyrogue saw this too and ran to the door, followed by Jeff. They opened the glass door and looked outside.

    “Tyrogue? Ro! Tyyy!” called out the pokemon, saying for them to show themselves. There was no reply. Jeff saw movement in the tree and then something bound from the branch to over a fence and away. Jeff shoved through Tyrogue and ran over to the wooden fence. He jumped up and supported himself with his arms, looking around the backyard behind him. After scanning the area for minutes, and closing his eyes to hear better, Jeff jumped down and trudged back inside with Tyrogue.

    “<It was probably just a Pidgey,>” muttered Tyrogue.

    Jeff sensed that something was at the glass door, behind him. But, he quickly turned around, saw nothing and heard a light scampering.

    “It was probably a Pidgey,” mumbled Jeff, disappointed.

    The two wobbled off to their respective beds and fell asleep. Jeff had still wanted to see that Treecko again, but his quest for going out of his way to look for him was over.
     
    Last edited: Sep 1, 2009
  11. ankokuryu

    ankokuryu EpiC PhAiL

    Hmm...I just read the Prologue, and already I could spot a few mistakes.

    By inserting "the" instead of "a", you can point specifically to the creature instead of just saying it was a general creature.

    This just makes the sentence flow better. The current sentence just has too many unnatural pauses.

    The shrieks echoed all around what? The protagonist? The forest? Try to be a bit more descriptive.

    Again, you seem to be splitting sentences in the wrong place. It sounds unnatural and if it's bad, it won't make any sense.

    Apart from these grammar mistakes, you were a tad lacking in description, like the others have said above. You could try to describe a bit more of the forest, the gash on his arm, and also the girl that the protagonist saw. This would really help in bringing out the feeling of fear and mystery into the story. However, your ability of setting the mood seemed to be quite good, as I could feel the fear and panic in the protagonist quite easily. You need to brush up quite a bit in some areas, but with some hard work and a lot of patience, this fic could turn out to be quite a good one. I'll review again after I read all of the remaining chapters. Oh, and just out of curiosity, how the HELL did the protagonist keep on running with such a deep wound in his arm?

    P.S. What a coincidence!!! Your protagonist gets a gash on their arm too huh? So does mine. XD My mentor said that my descriptions were quite good - if you want some examples of how you could describe the scene better, try checking my fic out. (even though I don't think it'll be too good an example...just click the link in my sig if you want to check it out.) XD
     
  12. Griff4815

    Griff4815 No. 1 Grovyle Fan

    Ok, I'll definately brush up on the grammar and descriptions.

    Minor Chapter 1 spoilers below but they would answer your question.

    "Well it WAS a dream scene. Things don't really have to make sense. :p But other than that the pure adrenaline and he was probably going into a state of shock, so the pain was kind of put to the side and he just focused on running to live."]

    and oh crap, I forgot to put the word "in" in...thats a bit embarrassing.
     
    Last edited: Aug 26, 2007
  13. DarkPersian479

    DarkPersian479 Well-Known Member

    Comments are for the most part based off chapter 3.

    Chapter 3 errors (and corrections made in BOLD type.)
    Removed unnecessary comma.

    Removed unnecessary comma between "silk" and "that." Read post #13 in "Grammar Advice" link in my sig. I just added comma advice this morning.

    Read post #1 in "Grammar Advice" for more details.

    See above.

    Write out numbers less than 100. I also rewrote the sentence so it makes more sense.

    Again, descriptions, particularly of the Pokemon, could be worked on so readers can better visualize what these creatures look like. It would also help in better showing the scene and environment where this takes place (though understandably most occurs at night.)

    And while you spend a lot of time trying to show how Jeff and the Treecko bonded (and did a decent job at doing so), IMO the one who got the most personality development (despite having little time in the story) was Tyrogue. It's characterized as scheming, jealous, and threatened by Treecko's appearance, but ultimately it also feels guilt for its actions.

    I can't comment on the plot yet because so far it's just been flashbacks. While obviously important for the setup of the fic, I do await to see how the journey starts out, and how the characters develop once they hit the road.

    BTW, this is the second fic I've read this weekend that seems to be based on the game, "Trauma Center." Is self-performed surgical operations the new big trend in Pokemon fanfiction?
     
  14. Griff4815

    Griff4815 No. 1 Grovyle Fan

    Chapter 4 dramatically revamped.

    The Revival of a Friendship


    Light.

    A blinding light.

    Although the radiance burned my eyes, it was the sweet feeling of being free which overtook me. It was hell in there. It brought back so many bad memories - memories which created the feeling of Carvanhas gnawing at my spine. Internally I was overjoyed to be free. I swore I would never return back in there.

    I felt myself land on a spotless, white, human ground which was the shape of squares. I was back inside what they called ‘the laboratory’… I was no stranger to this place. It was like one of the human’s homes except much bigger. Two bursts of light materialized to both of my sides.

    “Lunch time, you three,” said the jolly voice which I came to hate.

    I stood up and looked around me. To my right was an orange bird-like pokemon with a round head and a puny body in comparison. He had three feathers on his head which resembled a flame. He had an orange body and goldenrod feathers for either arms or wings, either way they were useless. On his feet were sharp brown claws. That Torchic had an attitude problem which created hostility between us. We got into a few fights where the pokemon to my left always cheered for him.

    I looked over to my left and saw the other pokemon who I loathed equally. A sapphire-colored, four-legged pokemon planted its white finned *** on the inside ground. On his annoyingly enthusiastic face was a large blue fin along with orange whisker-like gills on his cheeks. His beady eyes stared at the Torchic’s. They walked ahead to where there were three red dishes filled with food. The two began to eat.

    “Aren’t you hungry?” the voice asked.

    I ignored him and looked around the room.

    There it was! An open… What did the humans call it? … A window! It was high up on the wall beside a table, but I could make it. It was my portal out of there.

    I ran towards it on all fours. I passed by the Torchic, deliberately hitting him in the back the head with my tail, causing him to fall into his dish of food. I made the traditional harmonic taunt, like a juvenile, but my smugness of being free overruled my disdain of immaturity.

    “What are you doing?! Come back here!” he called out.

    I didn’t turn my head. I jumped out of the building, away from the words, “Arceus, not again!”

    The grass felt rejuvenating on my feet. I felt life come back to me as the dawn sunlight hit my scales. I knew they would find me again, but that didn’t stop me.

    I ran into the forest, back to my true home.

    I ran.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Present day

    Jeff quickly jogged down his front steps. He took a left turn, jogging down the asphalt, towards Birch’s Pokemon Lab.

    Jeff went from a steady jog to a sprint towards the lab, aware of the time. “The early Taillow gets the Wurmple,” he thought to himself, speeding up. A guy on a bike, who had a small, blue, flightless bird hanging onto his shoulder, began to pass Jeff. He smirked at the guy, and began to have a race with him. The guy was unaware of Jeff beginning to surpass him as they neared the lab. The distance to the building shortened as he ran. He was almost there! Jeff looked at the guy, who looked back, and smiled. But then, what appeared to be a Torchic crossed his path.

    “Tor-chic, tor-chic, tor-chic,” it chirped obliviously as it walked.

    Jeff couldn’t slow down. He hit it and his legs went sailing backwards as he went flying onto the dirt road. He landed with a skid, dirt chalking his face and knees. Jeff lay sideways on the ground and saw the guy and his strange pokemon ride past the lab, dismount their bike, and walk into the forest.

    “Ughhh, you ok?” Jeff asked the Torchic who was standing at his feet, pretty PO’d.

    “Chic! Tor tor chic! Chic!” it peeped angrily.

    “I can only assume that’s something mean,” Jeff said with a half-smile.

    Jeff dusted himself off and saw a person jogging towards him. A girl Jeff’s age, whom he recognized, came running up to Torchic.

    “Torchic, I told you not to go running ahead of me like that!” she reprimanded it, as she cradled Torchic in her arms.

    “Tor…” Torchic said, looking at the ground, ashamed.

    “Sorry about that si-…Jeff!? How are you?” The girl asked happily to Jeff.

    The wind blew through the girl’s somewhat short brown hair, but it was dyed a reddish-brown color. Jeff stood taller than her, she being about 5’9” in height, with an incredibly cute face. A wave of joy swept over Jeff, seeing as he has had a huge crush on this girl ever since they took a class together last year, taught by Professor Birch.

    “Hey there…Kristie, I’m fine. It’s no big deal; I shouldn’t have been rushing to the lab so quickly,” Jeff said apologetically but trying to sound as calm and confident as possible. “Speaking of which, you must have been coming back from there. Did you choose Torchic here?” Jeff asked.

    “Yes I did. He’s so cute, too,” Kristie replied.

    “Yeah, he’s great,” Jeff humored her. He then realized that other trainers must have gone to the lab, too. “Oh, are the other two pokemon still available?” Jeff asked, worried. Jeff thought about if he didn’t get his pokemon today. He would have to wait another month! Then he would have gotten all prepared for nothing.

    “Other two? There was only one other pokemon there - a Mudkip, and Alan took that one.”

    “What!?! But…hmm, I’m going to find out what’s going on!” Jeff exclaimed before entering the lab.

    “Bye, Jeff,” said Kristie politely.

    “Catch ya later, Kristie,” Jeff sputtered.

    As Kristie went out of earshot Jeff muttered to himself, “Damn! Smooth, Jeff, real smooth…” Jeff mentally beat himself up, kicking a stick that lay on the ground.

    He opened the glass door. The spacious one roomed lab had book-crammed shelves lining the walls. There were many complex machines used for physical and genetic examinations. Professor Birch was getting up from his desk, a pokeball in hand, just as he noticed Jeff enter.

    “Not now…” the brown haired man of science muttered to himself, frustrated.

    “I’m here for my starter…” he asked with Butterfrees in his stomach.

    “I’m sorry, Jeff. The Mudkip and Torchic are both gone…” Professor Birch answered guiltily, twiddling his thick beard on his young and rather wide face. He was one of the younger pokemon professors.

    “I know, but what about the Treecko?!” he hastily answered

    “He… escaped early this morning. You’re going to have to wait a few more weeks until the new shipment of starters arrived… although I might have a back up Torchic and Mudkip…” explained the professor.

    “He did? Maybe we should go get that Treecko. It could be in danger…”

    Biting the inside of his cheek, Birch replied with a reluctant nod.

    “Are you positive?” Professor Birch asked again. Jeff nodded adamantly, to which he sighed. “Very well. We’ll get the Treecko back and then you can choose from the three.”

    Jeff was confused as to why Professor Birch was so sceptical about finding the Treecko.

    The two humans left the laboratory and turned right and then walked right again, going into Route 101. Instead of going down the path that led north to Oldale Town, Professor Birch led him north-east into the forest - a familiar path. Hollowed out logs, large jutting out sticks, roots stubbornly refusing to stay under the earth, and fallen leaves littered the forest bed. They walked carefully through the woodlands, passing by curious Zigzagoons and Wurmples. Jeff smiled at the pokemon while walking by them. He carefully traipsed through the rough terrain, all the while keeping a look out for the lost Treecko.

    “It’s going to be taxing trying to find the Treecko in all of this foliage. It’ll be like finding a swimming Vaporeon while its acid coat is activated,” Birch mused.

    “I’ll be able to spot him…” Jeff said to himself, with assurance.

    While walking through the hauntingly familiar terrain, Jeff couldn’t help but think of the Treecko that had saved him. Although he was optimistic, he highly doubted that the Treecko that they were looking for was, indeed, the same one. Jeff was just searching for the silver medal seeing as he wouldn’t settle for bronze.

    “Are we wandering aimlessly or do you actually know where we’re going?” he asked Professor Birch.

    “I know where we’re going… we’re going where this Treecko always returns to…”

    They continued to walk through the dense woods. Light filtered through the branches before hitting the mossy forest bed. Crushing sticks, twigs, and fallen leaves as they went, the two meandered on. After a little more walking, the professor stopped.

    “What’s the matter?” he asked Birch.

    “We’re almost there…”

    Jeff was feeling a sharp solution of excitement and fear whether the Treecko was the same one from his past and whether they were going where he thought they were going.

    The underbrush grew thick and climbed above their heads. All that Jeff could see in front of him were plants and the white lab coat of Professor Birch moving through them. The professor disappeared ahead of him. He kept moving forwards until the ocean of underbrush ended and he walked out into a clearing.

    There it was.

    The massive tree. It looked old and almost as if it was dying. The colossal trunk grew incredibly tall and created an immense canopy with thick branches. Not far away was the lake. Standing just to Jeff’s left was Professor Birch.

    “Here it is.”

    Jeff’s eyes widened at the sight that he saw.

    -------------------------------------------------

    I was home.

    I rested on a branch, which was about two and a half stories above the ground as humans would call it, and was leaning against the trunk. One of my legs was outstretched and the other was bent; my arm rested on my bent knee while the other arm was back near my tail, supporting me from falling back. I kept a watchful eye open as I idly chewed on my twig.

    This was the only place that I truly felt comfortable. I only hoped that I could make it last.

    I heard a rustling in the underbrush down below to my left. I quickly turned my head to see the intruder. Arceus help it if it tries to get near my tree. I saw white appear from the bushes.

    It was him - the human who fed us and did tests on other pokemon! He wouldn’t bring me back there if I could help it. He looked up at the tree, probably in search of me. I heard and saw more movement in the bushes behind him but before I could find out what it was, something caught my instincts. I quickly turned my head back forward to find a winged pokemon land on the same branch as I. A golden-brown feathered bird perched on the end of it. His sharp, stick-like beak was almost as long as his lengthy neck. The wind brushed by his red crest, blowing it slightly to the side.

    He may be over twice my size but I’m not about to back down because if that. He doesn’t intimidate me and he’s not going to get away with stepping his dirty talons on my home!” I thought.

    I stood up from my relaxed stance and began to walk towards him on the thick, sturdy branch; the sharp, tiny hooks on my feet dug into the bark for good grip. The bird turned his ugly head towards me and stared in question. My reply was a cold, intimidating glare which pierced into his brown eyes.

    Damned Fearows.”

    “<What do you want?>” he asked me, irked.

    “<Get… the… hell… out… of… my… tree… >” I responded. I made sure to carefully put a threatening emphasis on each word.

    “<Why should I, you little runt?>” responded the Fearow with a cockiness which I wanted to beat out of him.

    “<Get out… or I’ll rip out your feathers and shove them down your big beak,>” I threatened again, still leering dead center into his eyes.

    He let out a caw of over-assured mockery. I tightened my fists, bit down on my twig, and readied my tail for a swing. The Fearow flapped his large brown wings and flew over my head to land behind me on the branch, blocking my way back to the trunk. I glowered and assumed a battle stance.

    “<Sure you want to do this, puny Treecko?>” he asked.

    My anger queued up inside me as I calmly stepped towards him. Without a word I swung my body around 360 degrees, smacking the Fearow across the face. He was undeniably shocked by the action, but he quickly shook it off and, in rage, shot his head forward towards me. I aptly pivoted my body to avoid the beak strike. The Fearow tried to stab at me two more times but to no avail.

    I readied myself for another attack but I saw something out of the corner of my eye. I could see a new human-shaped figure standing beside the first one. I turned my head to get a better focus on it. It was undeniably the same human that I had met not too long ago.

    “<Jeff?!>” I muttered to myself in shock.

    While distracted, the bird caught me off guard. He took the opportunity to land a quick piercing peck on my shoulder. I felt his spear-like beak enter my collar and come out just as fast.

    “Tree!” I yelled out as the burning pain over took my shoulder. I stepped back on the branch and prepared to attack but the beak strike came like lightning. Three more hits were landed in my leg, chest, and arm. If it weren’t for me attempting to move away, the chest hit may have been fatal.

    “Cko…cko…cko…” I panted through gritted teeth. I ran forwards to jump and attack but found myself hit backwards onto the branch in mid air. I landed on my feet and then it came… the excruciating rain of pecks. They were so fast that I didn’t know where each peck hit, all that I knew was that my body felt like it was on fire.

    “NO!” said a voice from the ground below. I opened my eyes and looked down to see many shallow cuts riddling my body along with trickles of blood from each. With each strike I was forced back on the branch, bringing me closer to the end of it. I felt so helpless, so weak.

    “<If you’re going to die… you’d might as well go out fighting. It’s the honourable thing to do…>” I thought to myself.

    I charged the flying pokemon, expecting the worst. But I stopped; I noticed two hands grab onto the branch, near the trunk. Following the hands was the green clothed body of the human whom I familiarized myself with as Jeff. The Fearow had also stopped the attack and turned sideways to see the human standing on the thick branch, barefoot. He began to slowly approach the angry bird, who began to peck at me again.

    “You two, stop! Fearow, cut it out!” I managed to hear him say through my own grunts.

    The Fearow was having none of his order. The winged pokemon, whose beak was dripping with my blood, turned and with a lighting fast jolt, hit Jeff in the cheek. He stumbled back and almost lost balance. A decent trickle of both of our bloods seeped from his cheek and dripped down and off of his chin. I could tell that he felt the same searing pain that I was feeling all over.

    The bird turned back to me and I raised my arms for protection. Jeff, now in clear rage, grabbed Fearow by the throat and swung him around, throwing him back against the trunk. The injured bird groaned and Jeff walked carefully over to me.

    “Treecko? I… hey. We can talk later but we have to get the hell out of this tree!” he advised.

    I shook my head and glowered. I still had a fight to finish. I had a gut feeling I could still win. I tried to get past him but he shifted to block me.

    “Come on, get on my back and I’ll take you down!”

    I let out another grunt and ignored his request. I managed to get around Jeff so I could face Fearow, who was now standing up and then he began to fly towards me. I readied my tail to deflect the bird’s beak but was shocked to see Jeff’s legs step in front of me, blocking my sight of the assailant.

    “<Get out of the way!>” I yelled, which must have sounded like “Tree cko cko tree!” to him.

    The bird began to peck at Jeff in a fury. I could hear the grizzly yet familiar sounds of the beak entering the flesh.

    “Treecko… save yourself… get out of here…” he said through a grimace.

    Rage built as it hit me. He still owed me for saving him from the poison. That was the only reason why he was here doing this! I disobeyed his plea and got around him to continue the fight on my own. Through the rain of strikes both of our skins were pierced by the Fearow’s drilling mouth.

    The Fearow briefly stopped to catch his breath. “Treecko, if you’re as stubborn as I am, we’re going to be in a lot of trouble! Get on my back already!”

    He knew I was, if not more so. I landed a solid whack on the bird beak but it quickly recovered and began to peck at me again. The pain was unbearable now.

    Jeff took forceful action; he grabbed me in my weakened state and spun around so his back faced Fearow. He pressed me against his chest; my blood stained his shirt upon a mere touch. I could see the Fearow begin to peck at his back, making him wince and growl.

    “Treecko, please… get out of here…” he pleaded through clenched teeth.

    “<Do you actually care if I’m okay or do you only care if your pride is free of guilt and shame?>” I asked in a cold, angry manner.

    Although he didn’t know what I said, I could tell by his eyes that those words stabbed him deeper than the Fearow’s beak was. Although taken aback, he still begged, “Please, Treecko, I’m doing this because I care about you. If you stay here you’re going to die! I don’t want you to get hurt! COME ON!”

    He was serious! He was really worried about me… Did that mean Tyrogue was lying? “<Why would he care about me like this…? I don’t think anyone has before. It just doesn’t make sense!>”

    A new respect for this human, Jeff, flooded through me. Nevertheless, I still tried to escape his tight grasp. I couldn’t let him take these blows for the fight I started! What kind of Treecko would I be if I did?

    All of a sudden, the light pecks stopped and Jeff relaxed his muscles, giving me a chance to get free. We both turned around to hear a hammering noise. Much to our dismay, the Fearow, with a malicious glint in his eye, was pecking through the branch on which we stood. Already halfway through the wood, he was making short work of the branch. We knew what was coming. Before we had anytime to run, we felt the branch fall from under us.

    Without a sound, Jeff grabbed for me in mid air. He managed to get a hold of one of my tails and he pulled me close to him. Jeff curled up to protect me from the blunt of the fall. I couldn’t believe it. Even in this drastic time he was still trying to save me. It overwhelmed me that anyone would do that… especially do that for me.

    My tree luckily had a dense and low canopy. Small branches that we hit either broke or brushed by us, slowing our descent. We hit a particularly thick branch - about as thick as his arm. Jeff cried out as it broke on impact with his spine. Almost immediately after, a sharp stick whipped up Jeff’s face, leaving a deep scar which further opened the initial peck wound. We hit many of the softer and weaker branches below, which whisked up around us. The actually relatively short fall seemed like an eternity.

    It finally happened. We hit the mossy ground with a thud. I rolled from Jeff’s arms and toppled meters away from him.

    “…Ckoooo” I groaned, gasping for breath. I looked up at Jeff and saw that he wasn’t moving. Despite my wounds, I ran over to him and kneeled to his side. I then check his pulse and put my head to his bloodied chest for heart sounds.

    “Treecko?” I asked, hoping to Arceus he was alright.

    Jeff groaned but through gasps of air insisted, “I’m okay, Treecko-ergh-really…”

    I then did something to both our surprise. I quickly picked up some nearby leaves and crushed them in my hands. Carefully, I placed the crushed leaves on his cut to help disinfect it. Jeff was surprised that I did that.

    I backed away from him. “<He probably thinks I’m some kind of sappy idiot now,>” I thought, scratching the back of my head.

    To my shock, with a warm expression, he answered, “Thank you, Treecko.”

    I turned back around with a grin, folded my arms, and shook my head. “<Don’t thank me, thank you!>“ I said, which still sounded as “Treecko tree, tree cko!”

    Our eyes met. We grinned and I shook his hand with my tail and he shook my tail with his hand. It was reminiscent to when we first met.

    “Call it even this time?” Jeff asked with a grin.

    With a large smirk I replied with, “Cko.”

    The guy came over to us saying, “Thank goodness you two are okay… all things considered.”

    “Yeah, thanks Professor Birch…”

    Professor Birch. So THAT was his name. Everytime I heard that guy’s voice I was immediately reminded of that damned man-made prison.

    “…I- hey… is that Fearow mocking us?” Jeff asked, staring in the sky. Sure enough, the Fearow was using the same immature taunt that I had used upon escaping the lab.

    “<Cocky *******,>” Jeff and I both said in our native tongues.

    “We have to get back to the lab immediately! You two are horribly hurt; I have some potions there!” Professor Birch insisted.

    We nodded and helped each other to our feet. I went to walk but I found my legs had failed me; I fell forwards to be land on Jeff’s shoe which he outstretched for me to land on. He then brought his foot up to hand level and then he picked me up in his hands. Cradled in his arms, I grinned and closed my eyes from exhaustion.

    They then began to limp back to their hometown.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    We had made it through the forest and were now, to my disdain, behind the lab. Jeff’s arm was around Professor Birch’s shoulder to use his body for support as he carried me. They walked around the human made structure and went in the front. Jeff collapsed against the wall and I remained on his lap, unable to move without severe pain.

    Professor Birch handed him a clear bottle with a blue cap. “Here, Jeff. To use the potion just hold down the blue button on the top and point it.”

    Jeff nodded and looked down at me. “Sorry, Treecko. This is gonna hurt,” he explained remorsefully. He then sprayed the yellow-green liquid on my wounds. My cuts burned but I refused to show any pain. Jeff applied the potion to his own cuts afterwards.

    “The potion should heal the cuts, for the most part, in an hour or two. Jeff, you can expect a scar on your face, though,” the professor guy explained.

    Jeff slowly got to his feet. Then he said, “Professor… that was quite the adventure, but I think I’m ready to choose my starting pokemon.”

    Beginning to quickly go through his desk and then cabinets, he said, “Of course, but first I have a funny story about Treecko here… about how I caught him.”

    Jeff leaned in curiously but a knot tied in my stomach. “<Oh great,>” I thought angrily.

    “… Exactly one year ago today, I found this Treecko walking in the forest… I think he was going back to that tree we were at. Anyways, I was amazed to see a Treecko wandering alone in the forest. So I took out a pokeball to try to battle and catch it but he just stood there, not even trying to put up a fight. So I caught him without even having to send out a pokemon. It’s funny because that doesn’t seem like something that THIS Treecko would ever have done!” Professor Birch chuckled.

    I let out a long growl before turning to face Jeff.

    “So you LET yourself be captured?!” Jeff asked me, visibly angry. “After all that time I tried to find you, you were here all along?! Why!?”

    I opened my mouth to defend myself but that damned human cut me off.

    “YES! I found an extra Torchic and Mudkip! Now you have all three to choose from…” He trailed off when he noticed I was glaring at him with an angry and upset look.

    He threw the two prison cages, which they called pokeballs, on the ground, releasing a different orange Torchic and a new blue Mudkip.

    “Toorrrchic tor!” chirped the fire spitting chick cutely.

    “Kip mudkip!” barked the enthusiastic and cheerful Mudkip.

    They both ran past me and stood in front of Jeff. Each tried to be more appealing than me and the other one. My face grew the familiar indifferent yet disheartened look.

    “<This won’t be a new feeling,>” I thought, apathetically on the outside, morosely on the inside. I knew that with those two battling for the spotlight, I’d never get picked… not even by Jeff. It’s happened before and it’ll happen again. I awaited the familiar feeling of being discarded for the cute and the happy.

    “<This is all your fault anyways! If you didn’t let yourself be captured just because you listened to some jackass Tyrogue, then Jeff wouldn’t be ****** off at you! He might have actually considered taking you if it wasn’t for your idiocy! Instead you’re going to be stuck back here with these clowns, either being stuck in your pokeball or being exiled by the other two pokemon… not that you wanted to be around them anyways. Damn it, Gr… err, I mean Treecko,>” I scolded myself.

    With apathy, I said, “<Enjoy your journey, Torchic or Mudkip. Take good care of him…>” In my head I finished the sentence with “<… You idiots.>”

    “<Maybe the reason you don’t get picked is because you don’t try.>” So I decided to take a last ditch, futile effort; I walked in front of the other two and looked deep into his eyes before nodding. That’s all I allowed myself to do.

    Jeff kneeled down to my eye level, ignoring the other two. “Would you really want to leave your tree and come with me?”

    That was a tough question. I stared off into the distance, many conflicting thoughts running through my head. “<Do I stay and pass up the only opportunity that I have? Or do I risk it and leave?>” After several moments I stared at him and nodded.

    Jeff smiled. “Then I’ve made my decision. I choose Treecko!” he stated adamantly.

    Everyone was surprised. The professor and the other two choices sighed. My jaw dropped in shock. “<Was this guy serious? Does he actually want to choose me… over them?! I can’t believe anyone would! This guy, Jeff, is different,>” I thought in dumbfounded amazement.

    All my hope was lost and then regained into a massive injection of it. I beamed widely and leapt up onto Jeff’s shoulder, giving him a grateful pat on the back of his head. The uncalled for affection, I noticed, was causing him to blush and smirk. I stopped myself, embarrassed that I let my weaker emotions get the better of me. I jumped back down to the ground, maintaining my cool, uncaring demeanor.

    “<I’m not sure I’ve ever been this happy.>”

    “It’s your funeral,” Professor Birch mumbled, just loud enough for us to hear.

    “What do you mean?” Jeff shot back, not unkindly.

    “Jeff… can I talk to you for a few minutes?”

    He nodded and walked to the Professor’s side.

    “It’s about that Treecko…” he tried to whisper, but little did they know my ears picked up on the conversation.

    “Yeah? What is it?” Jeff whispered back.

    “I’ve had that Treecko for twelve months and not one trainer has chosen it. I can’t get more than one starting pokemon of each species until the last of each one has been given to trainer. That’s why, after this guy came along, you’ve never seen anyone else leaving Littleroot Town with one.”

    “I still don’t understand. Why wouldn’t anybody take him?”

    “You see… this Treecko is incredibly independent and stubborn. No matter who you are, he won’t listen to you unless he respects you. Which few pokemon honestly do so early on in the journey. Most trainers are overwhelmed by pokemon who are like this… even veteran trainers. When the new trainers come to pick one, he doesn’t even try to get picked and he doesn’t exactly flow well with them anyways. I really don’t blame them for not picking him. Are you sure you won’t reconsider?”

    I overheard the conversation and the words sunk in. I knew I was purposefully defiant to Professor Birch, but I never thought he’d try so hard to keep me and Jeff from being partners. Jeff turned around and kneeled down to my level. The knot in my stomach returned. “<Here it comes.>”

    “So you’re rebellious, huh?” he asked me, to which my eyes turned to the floor. Much to my surprise he said, “I sorta like the sound of that!” I smugly grinned out on the corner of my mouth, still twiddling the twig in my mouth with my tongue.

    Professor Birch, not caring to whisper anymore, insisted, “Jeff? … Are you sure?”

    “I’m positive! You can’t disregard a pokemon just because of their personality… it isn’t fair!” he insisted.

    “Very well… but don’t come back here with your tail between your legs if it doesn’t work out; soldier on,” he warned. I wanted to pound him with my tail across the face right then. If he made me lose a potential friend than I swore I’d tear this lab inside out the next change I got.

    “No problem, Treecko and I will be great journey-partners!” Jeff insisted.

    “Anyways, here is your pokedex and five pokeballs…” he said, handing Jeff a red rectangle machine that could be fit into one of their pockets as well as five miniature spheres which were not expanded to their true size. “… And allow me to try and return Treecko to his pokeball.”

    There it was. He pointed the ball at me, on the ground. A red light shot from it but I gracefully jumped out of the way in time. He tried to recall me back to the cell again but I dodged and leapt up onto Jeff’s shoulder.

    “What’s the problem?” Jeff asked him.

    “Treecko never lets me recall him to his pokeball. I think he’s just being difficult for the sake of being difficult!” Professor Birch complained. He couldn’t be further from right. I saw Jeff grin and nod with apparent empathy.

    “Hold still,” he whispered to Jeff. He shot the red beam from the center of the device. Jeff sidestepped so that the beam didn’t hit me. The laser instead shot into his eye, causing him to yelp and double over. In anger, I spat the twig from my mouth so that it hit Professor Birch in the face. He stumbled backwards and, with agility and speed, I hit the pokeball from his hand with my tail. I did a somersault and landed on a knee, managing to catch the twig back in my mouth before it hit the floor. I turned my head back upwards to stare at Birch with a smug grin.

    “Why does this Treecko have it in for me so much?! Ever since day one!” he moaned. I simply shrugged and stood up.

    “Arrgh, Arceus,” Jeff swore, clutching his left eye. “My eye! You coulda burned my retinas right out!”

    “Sorry, Jeff… need some ice?” Professor Birch apologized.

    He grinned and shook his head. “Just check if you accidentally captured my optic nerve.” I smirked and the professor chuckled.

    “Wow, you’re really fast, Treecko,” Jeff complimented. I nodded. I also made it appear that I was agreeing with him simply for the fact that Jeff would probably wanted a pokemon with good self-confidence. I was confident in myself… but I still wasn’t good enough yet.

    Professor Birch took out a piece of paper, took a pen, and began writing on it. He handed it to Jeff, who began to read it. I had a feeling I knew what it said; it disheartened me.

    “Yes, I’m positive. You know I know what I’m doing. You’ve taught me for years!” Those words, indeed, reassured my suspicion that the note said, ‘Are you SURE you want him?’

    Pretty soon Jeff was going to start listening to Professor Birch’s advice. It angered me to think about when that day, or even hour, would come.

    “I guess there’s no stopping you then. I’m sure you two will do fine. I’m just worried for you safety,” he insisted, grinning.

    “Well, thanks.”

    “In case you get curious, Jeff… don’t try that. You probably WILL end up losing your eye. But, if you do try, make sure you don’t have six pokemon on hand before the league because I don’t want it back here.”

    “I never would have guessed,” Jeff sarcastically replied.

    I gave the professor a grin, which clearly aggravated him.

    “Please, Treecko. Just go into your pokeball…”

    I sighed. I knew I couldn’t keep doing this… and if I wanted to travel with Jeff, I’d have to start getting use to the torturous sphere. An aura of defeat surrounded me as I gave in. I hung my head and approached his feet. He pointed the thing at me and I tightly shut my eyes and felt a chill go up my spine; my past memories were still haunting me. I awaited to be returned into the depths of the ball but was shocked when Jeff said, “Wait!”

    “You want to say something to Treecko before I return him?” the Professor asked.

    “Yes…I never actually planned to keep Treecko in his pokeball.” Jeff smiled, rubbing the back of his head.

    Professor Birch and I looked at him with a look of disbelief.

    “Come again?” Professor Birch asked.

    “I remember having a…” Jeff trailed off. “I just can’t do it again…”

    “I’m sorry?” he asked Jeff, confused. There was something up with Jeff… I could sense that something haunted him much like something did me.

    “Erm, I think I can read Treecko very well and I think he hates being stuck inside it. I feel that he has the same understandable fear as I; I can’t say I’m fond of being in that sort of dependent situation, either. Am I right, Treecko?”

    I was surprised but I nodded, half-admitting to it. He was right to an extent. Jeff smiled in return.

    “Therefore, I won’t force you to be confined to a pokeball,” he offered, extending a hand.

    “<This is terrific! Things are actually going my way.>”

    I took his offer and jumped onto his arm and climbed up to his shoulder. I smirked, internally enjoying the idea.

    “You two really are…made for each other.” Professor Birch smiled. “Not one trainer, other than you, Jeff, would have been happy with that Treecko… no offense Treecko, but you know it’s true.”

    I grinned and shrugged.

    “Also the way you two cared for each other back with Fearow…astounding, you two seem like you already have a great bond like a chain!”

    I noticed Jeff flush and nod. “Let’s just say we’re like old friends,” Jeff smiled at me. I smirked back at the inside joke.

    “Thank you so much, Professor. I’ll keep in contact! Let’s go, Treecko,” he said excitedly.

    “Treecko tree,” I agreed. “<I doubt I could have asked for a better trainer and companion.>”

    With me on his shoulder, we began to walk out of the lab.

    “<Who knows? This may actually be… fun.>”

    “I’ll call you as soon as I get to Oldale Town,” Jeff called back to him. “I have to stop by home first,” he explained.

    And so we, the two old friends, walked out of the lab. The setting sun cast orange upon our still slightly bloodied bodies.

    “<Fun…>”
     
    Last edited: Sep 1, 2009
  15. Hey! I like Treecko, he seems very chill. Jeff is a real character, I liked how he reacted to the convo with Kristie. Here's some faves:

    Hee hee... I love those little Pokemon-inserted sayings.

    You might want to try substituting "he" or "she" for a character's name. You don't want the name to come up whenever you refer to the character.

    ~Mix
     
  16. DarkPersian479

    DarkPersian479 Well-Known Member

    Comma after "torchic" not needed.

    Write out all numbers under a hundred in most cases.

    Didn't need either comma here.

    Read post #1 of my "Grammar Advice" thread. It covers many of the mistakes you made here.


    Okay, I've said it before (in other reviews) and I'll say it again. Pretend that DarkPersian is an idiot. Pretend that when I see the word "Torchic," I think, "Carbon Tetrachloride." Thus, the need to describe the Pokemon in your story, so I know you're talking about a little orange baby chick Pokemon with three yellow feathers atop its head that can shoot out flames from its tiny beak. Though, admittedly, don't make your descriptions run-on like I just did :O

    I am not comfortable with Birch telling Jeff openly about Treecko's "flaws" with the Pokemon readily able to listen. Now, granted, I accept the fact that Treecko refused to get into its Pokeball, but it would have been more appropriate if Birch had whispered these facts about Treecko to Jeff in his ear, or had written them down, just so the Grass-type would not have to hear insults to his character. While I'm sure that he was simply trying to warn Jeff about difficulties with handling Treecko, some of Birch's comments seem a bit too insulting IMO, which seems OOC for a typical Pokemon professor.

    Other than that, there's sort of a "meh-ish" quality to this. It's not bad by any means, and you did a fairly good job with character development, but for some reason I just can't get into this yet. Maybe after something happens that doesn't follow the game's storyline, I'll be able to get myself engaged in your story. I think the problem is that Jeff isn't really that unique. Lots of OT characters are stubborn and strong-willed; I've seen it before. Now, if Jeff was a stubborn and strong willed trainer with some weird interest or quirk, he'd be more interesting to read about.

    Also, the whole "staying out of the Pokeball" bit reminds me too much of Ash and Pikachu, and don't even get me started on those two n00bs.

    Overall, it's not that bad, but it's not really holding my interest at this point. With more work, hopefully you can change that.
     
  17. BladedScizor

    BladedScizor Well-Known Member

    Okay, finally gonna get to reviewing this.



    Anyway, DarkPersian seems to be going over the grammar and spelling pretty well, so I'm not going to touch on that. I like how you have already given Treecko a back story to build up his character, as well as giving him a history with Jeff, so when I'm sure it turns out they work well together, there'll already be a very good reason for that. There is also some mystery to Treecko, such as how he knows the First Aid that he does and why he would be loathe to explain it, so there are plenty of opportunities for more surprises and character development down the road.


    I'll agree with DarkPersian that putting down Treecko seems a little out of character for a Professor like Birch. I'm not saying you have to change it at this point or anything, but if you do decide to rewrite that part, I'd recommend trying to write it entirely from Treecko's perspective. That way, you can make it so that the Pokemon's depression over losing another potential friend is 'coloring' what he's hearing people say, making him think he's hearing Birch put him down so Jeff will avoid him even more, even if Birch isn't really saying those things.

    Well, I hope that made sense.


    I'm going to disagree with DarkPersian's perspective on the 'leaving Pokemon out of their ball' thing, though. That, to me, symbolizes that the trainer has a particularly strong bond with that Pokemon. As I recall, Ash wasn't the only trainer to keep his Pokemon out by a long shot.
     
  18. Griff4815

    Griff4815 No. 1 Grovyle Fan

    Ok, I'm making myself owe all of you reviews.


    Yeah, I've always worried that I said the characters names too much. Thanks for reaffirming that for me. :)

    I've been going over my chapters and doing that, but I must have forgot to do that for some of the earlier on pokemon. :s

    That's a good point. I guess at the time I had Prof. Birch overly frustrated with Treecko, so he didn't really care.

    I see where you're coming from here. But hang tight, I'm adding more...stuff to it. I'm in kind of a vice though. When I first started writing at the start of the summer I didn't have a whole lot of ideas flowing so I thought "Hey, gyms...those are easy". But now I have all this creative juices in my head and I'm on Part 2. So in Part 1, theres the typical gym badges scenario. And in Part 2, theres all of these story arcs and newer, darker stuff. But like I said, I'm re editting the first part to make it more like the second part now that I'm a more experienced writer than when I started. So like I said, hang tight.

    Yeah :S I just realized that potential cliche tonight when reading another review on PokeComm. I put that in to help show Treecko's independent, freedom-loving character, though.

    Thanks for reviewing :)

    I like your idea of rewriting the chapter from Treecko's POV. I think I might do that. Although I'd have to have a few breaks in the chapter since Treecko can't very well describe Jeff walking to the lab. :p
     
    Last edited: Sep 3, 2007
  19. elyvorg

    elyvorg somewhat backwards.

    I liked this chapter because of the way Treecko and Jeff bonded; I feel you did that quite well. I also quite like this fic, though I think it's mainly due to Treecko because I like his personality (and I did see in the Archetypes thread that this personality for a Treecko is rather cliché, but the great thing about being new to fanfiction is that I can put up with clichés for now until I start seeing them a lot. Plus, you said he has more depth to him anyway.) And "Gri..." eh? Sounds like Treecko has a name that he doesn't want anyone to know about.

    There are a couple of negative things I'd like to pick out.

    What happened here? The random Jeff at the start of the sentence should not be there.

    This is something I said in another review - words are repeated close to each other in a paragraph which makes it seem choppy. You already said "the tree was in sight", so there's no need for the second "tree". And both of the last two sentences there say that the tree had branches, so although the branches are described differently in each, it still doesn't quite flow well.

    This bit makes no sense. If he's on a branch, he's either already in front of the Fearow or not. He's not going to be able to suddenly move in front of it without falling off.

    Apart from those things, your grammar needs a bit of work, but DarkPersian479 is probably the best person to help you out with that. And I agree with liveletlove_Mix that you need to use other pronouns when referring to Jeff/Treecko/anyone else sometimes. Everyone else has mentioned this too, but you could do with more Pokemon description - another one you completely forgot to describe was Fearow.

    To end on a positive note, I laughed/thought "ouch" when Jeff got shot in the eye with the Pokeball, and I particularly liked this line:
    Oh and finally, more stuff from Treecko's perspective seems like a good idea - it'll be fun to see how someone so pessimistic looks at the world.
     
  20. Griff4815

    Griff4815 No. 1 Grovyle Fan

    Cool, thanks for reading and reviewing. And yes, more will be revealed in good time *Does an evil plan laugh*.

    As for the first quote, I'm trying to find where in the hell that sentence is in the fic :p

    Thanks for pointing out those erroneous bits, I probably wouldn't have caught them, otherwise.

    Keep readin' and enjoy. :)


    P.S,

    Elyvorg, I'm sure you'll be happy to know that I have no current plans to have Treecko evolve into Sceptile. :p
     

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