The Piplup shook tears from his eyes and looked at the ground in shame.
“Of course I will,” Nurse Joy responded.
He had seen one of these creatures
copies of ‘Sports Illustrated’.
And once again Corphish gets the best lines...Could I BE any more awesome?!
“<IT’S KIND OF LIKE SPARRING WITH A BRICK WALL HERE, JEFF!>”
“<That’s a great plan, General Patton, but what’s the bait?>”
Then there's:“<Have a wonderful evening, you two,>”
LOL! This reminded me of the one X-Play "Splinter Cell Co-Op Bob and Steve" episode where Bob calls himself, "Thor-Axe the Impaler"! XDI am DAGGERBACK THE OPPRESSOR… AND YOU SHALL PAY!
Wow, thanks. I also fixed that Nidoking part.that was pretty interesting... can the Nidoking speak english though? because the part where he introduces himself, you don't use the "<>" thing like you normally do.
other than that, brilliant!
Haha, I'm glad you liked it.And once again Corphish gets the best lines...
LOL! This reminded me of the one X-Play "Splinter Cell Co-Op Bob and Steve" episode where Bob calls himself, "Thor-Axe the Impaler"! XD
If I had to give one (fairly important) complaint, it would be that you didn't give Roxanne much of a distinct personality. And that's surprising, since you do so well with the Pokemon personalities. I'm not sure if it's because she's a one-time only character who won't appear again, but she seemed like a pretty generic Gym Leader.
I do have to admit, when you first started this, I wasn't sure if I was going to stick around. But I'm glad I did, as this has grown into something quite interesting. Right now, I can't think of anything I've read recently where the Pokemon are more gung-ho for battle than the trainer is.
Now, I'm not sure if you're reading my fic or not, but I would like your feedback on this issue if you are: Would my character's battle style be considered too harsh in Jeff's eyes; i.e., if he saw her battling, would he sic Daedalus on her to teach her a lesson? If you could answer via PM, it might help with character development for my own story. Thanks!
Once again, though, an enjoyable read, and it was nice to see Nidoking get his comeuppance. Though I do have to wonder...
Does the whole theft thing mean that either Treecko or Corphish have somehow stashed away those fossils somewhere?
I lol'd.“<What a coincidence! ‘The’ is his middle name and ‘Oppressor’ was his last name… it fits perfectly!>” Corphish thought while he treaded in the water.
I'm happy you liked it. And thank you for reviewing.Looks like Treecko is taking it upon himself to keep Jeff's head in the game, definitely a role that fits his personality. Of course, after all that's happened recently, Jeff is still in that funk of his; it'll definitely be interesting to see what it takes to finally snap him out of it for good.
I'd also like to find out more about Daedalus and his abilities. It seems that he has experience in coming up with battle strategies, so I could definitely see him as being a major asset to Jeff's team. Also, will Daedalus need to be convinced to challenge Gyms, or will he realize that Jeff wouldn't cruelly push his Pokemon into hopeless battles like Blane does?
Pray tell, where is he buying the DVDs?“<Goodbye, Purplebeard! Good luck finding the Black Pearl!>” Corphish called after him.
Please explain these false punctuation things. I've been trying to see what you meant by them but I really can't see what they are. :/First of all, it's great that you now have a beta. The improved grammar really makes reading easier. I think there's still a little false punctuation around speech marks, but that doesn't interrupt the flow as much as other mistakes do, for me at least.
Daedalus wasn't really rescuing Corppy and Treecko for Jeff it was more because he liked... or didn't mind, rather... them. Daedalus was slowly and reluctantly excepting the fact that he was with them now.Daedalus. I like him, but I also have a problem with him. I think you developed him far too quickly - when he was first caught I liked his "Damn, caught by a stupid human, what will my flock do without me?" attitude. Then he gets beaten up badly and it's pretty much Jeff's fault. Then, somehow, mysteriously, towards the end of the chapter he's perfectly happy to help Jeff rescue Corphish and Treecko. After being healed he seems a little cut off from Jeff again, but not for long as by the end of that chapter Jeff is wondering why Daedalus is so loyal when he gets nothing in return. Now don't get me wrong, I like these character traits, they just seem wrong when they're all on the same character within such a short period of time. Insane development curve aside, I think Daedalus is going to be a useful "wise leader" type to contrast with the hot-headedness of Treecko and Corphish.
The chapter 7 ending was completely my fault. I just wanted a way to end the chapter and I didn't know how else. What was worse is that I decided to slowly develop their relationship more slowly AFTER I posted that chapter. I should also change that xDTreecko and Corphish did indeed seem like they would clash at some point, and it's good that they now *sort of* get along. The ending of chapter 7 bothered me a bit for three reasons. One, it seemed rather clichéd. Two, like DarkPersian said, try not to make them become great friends too quickly. Three, the "would soon become a powerful, bonded comradeship" part struck me as being a spoiler for later chapters. In my mind, spoilers should never be found in the story itself.
Thanks, for noticing that Yeah I was going for steriotype there.Now for the whole Nidoking thing. I really like that you've added in what seemed at first to be just some filler plot to fill in between Petalburg Woods and Rustboro, but then it developed and turned out to be something much bigger and seemingly important to the great central plot that you've said you're working towards. Daggerback himself seemed a bit stereotypical, but I think that's what you were aiming for so I won't say any more.
Thanks. More to come!Jeff's emoness is spawning some really interesting situations with his Pokemon - I think it's great how he doesn't want his Pokemon to battle for his own gain, and how this ironically results in them getting hurt more. I would have said a few chapters back that this sort of behaviour is totally un-Jeff, but obviously his broken heart has changed him and you showed that well.
I'm trying not to overdo his comedy in these few (and next) chapter, since the situations are abit ... non comedic to say the least. But he has a barker lounger back at his pond as well as a TV where he steals cable and electricity from the nearby pokemon center. The DVDs he gets from Blockbuster Video (no more late fees!) The boat capsizing was the funnest scene from that portion of the chapter.And to end, I would like to quote the amazing (though not as funny in these chapters as in previous ones) Corphish.
Pray tell, where is he buying the DVDs?
Also, loved it when he capsized the boat. I can imagine how much he must have enjoyed it.
Aaand that'll be it. *wanders off back to MS Word*
I really like Corphish. He can really make me laugh...Corphish emerged from the red beam and stood, facing the Sandshrew.
“<Somebody call PBS because Hammie the Hamster escaped and now he’s a hardass!>” Corphish taunted his opponent.
“Corphish… uhh… use… erm… ” Jeff acted as if this was his first battle and he had never seen a Corphish in his life; too much was racing in his mind.
“<Jeff, you must be a Russian dictator…because you are STALIN’.>”
Ok, I guess I shouldn't have been quite so vague; I just wasn't in the mood for being over-picky.Please explain these false punctuation things. I've been trying to see what you meant by them but I really can't see what they are. :/
Yours is accurate nearly all of the time, I just noticed the occasional case of example two.Now, for the evil... PUNCTUATION AROUND QUOTATION MARKS!
Now... who can tell me which of the following is correct?
* "I know." He said.
* "I know." he said.
* "I know," he said.
* "I know" he said.
The answer is the third one: "I know," he said. Why is it so? Well, you're still continuing the same sentence.
Imagine that direct quotes were not enclosed in quotation marks. Then these examples would look like this:
* I know. He said.
* I know. he said.
* I know, he said.
* I know he said.
Now, don't the other three just look kinda wrong now? In the first one, "He said" is made into an individual sentence, suggesting that what he said is completely unrelated to "I know". In the second one, we have the same problem, except that the H is lowercase, which is obviously wrong because we always use a capital letter after a period. In the fourth one, it sounds like you know he said something, which is again not the intended meaning. Only the third one works.
GREATLY contradicts with...the field was the size of a football field.
and...The gym was about the size of a warehouse.
That's a pretty amazing feat. It'd take me about 15 minutes (probably more) to walk that distance. There are a few other thing that don't fit with the whole "size of a football field thing". You may want to change that...Roxanne suggested, starting to traipse along the rocky field.
Thanks for reviewing, Duncan.Whew. I just finished the whole fic. Okay, like most people have already said, you have improved since the first chapter. The way it began with a series of flashbacks was different. But I have some problems.
Jeff and Treecko are a problem for me. I don't mean to complain, but the beginning they were way too stereotypical. Taking all that punishment from that Fearow, for example, was a little unrealistic. He just seems to perfect. But it mostly has improved, so I'll leave it at that.
As everyone else has said, characters are your strong point. Corphish is one of my favorite characters, simply because of how funny he is. Treecko, or 'Gri...' is also fairly intersting.
Description is about average. You have improved by quite a bit since the first few chapters, but they're still a ways to go. Keep improving!
Plot is a little tricky. I really can't say where this is going right now, but I'm sure you have something interesting planned. So far there have been some interesting bits, such as Jeff and Kristie, were pretty interesting.
And, of course, one of my reviews wouldn't be complete without my favorite quotes.
I really like Corphish. He can really make me laugh...
Anyway, this is pretty interesting. You've improved by quite a bit since you started. I can't guarantee I can keep up with each chapter, but you've got me interested, and I always will read a good Journey Fic.
Ah, I gotcha.Ok, I guess I shouldn't have been quite so vague; I just wasn't in the mood for being over-picky.
So anyway, here is an extract from the punctuation section of Dragonfree's writing guide, which makes it much clearer than I ever could and is pretty much where I learnt how to properly punctuate stuff in speech marks myself.
Yours is accurate nearly all of the time, I just noticed the occasional case of example two.
Like I said before, I'm not very good with size perception, xDDid you state yet that you changed the prologue? (didn't read any previous posts)
Anyways. that was a great chapter, and it's obvious you're getting better in description. I like the leader personality you gave to Daedalus and I hope you stick with it.
One problem, though...
GREATLY contradicts with...
That's a pretty amazing feat. It'd take me about 15 minutes (probably more) to walk that distance. There are a few other thing that don't fit with the whole "size of a football field thing". You may want to change that...
Can't wait until the next update!
Don’t let these filthy brutes take our home!>” the voice called as it slowly got farther away.
felt as if I should be dead any second,
Although he had trouble flying with my added weight,
Now this was a well-written chapter, and you've come a long way in your writing since the first chapter. Emotions were captured really well as the relationship between Jeff and Treecko hit rock bottom (with the smack and Jeff no longer able to hear Pokespeech afterwards) before getting patched up... somewhat. Jeff struck his Pokemon, and with Treecko's stubbornness, that's not something that'll be patched up with a mere apology. After doing something like that, trust between a trainer and Pokemon usually is built back slowly, and you do a good job with showing that at the very end.just for the sheer pleasure of sailing across the deep blue sea,” the man said merrily.
I heard that the little guy actually makes a six-figure income. Might not be such a bad career path“Watch it, PAL, unless you want me to set you up with a lifetime contract as a mascot for a car insurance dealership,” Jeff retorted with seriousness.
He let out a pained groan before falling flat on his faceHe let out a pained grown before falling flat on his face
Uh... 'PMSing'?!“<Ok, so he was PMSing, everyone has bad days! It happens!>”
Yeah, don't go, T-Cko!“<If you aren’t going to stay for Jeff, at least stay… for the kids!>” coerced Corphish. He put on a sad face, and placed his claw around Daedalus’ shoulder.