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New Day's Arise

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Ash_Fan_#1

<We are unbeatable~*
The day began and Brock, a boy with a medium skin tone and brown hair, had made breakfast. Ash, a boy with black hair and dark brow eyes, slept in late and Brock went to wake him up. Ash woke up and wanted to hit Brock with something so he grabbed a pillow and threw it at him. Ash realized Pikachu wasn’t there and started to worry. He tore through his house and no sign. Brock suggested that they see if it was at Professor Oak’s, an old dude with grey hair and dark eyes, lab. Ash bolted out the door grabbing his hat, still in pajama’s and went to Professor Oak’s lab. Brock ran after him.

Ash knocked on the Professor’s door as if a mad man was after him.
Professor Oak answered the door and saw the boys panting. Ash started to freak out and ask if Pikachu was around and search around Oak’s lab.

Professor Oak looked at Ash with a confused face. Oak told Ash to slow down. Ash explained what happened to the professor. Oak asked him what was so wrong this time, Pikachu has gone missing before. Ash told him that usually he knew Team Rocket, a group the of villans Ash mainly dealt with Jesse a girl with pink hir and blue eyes, and James a boy with medium length purple hair and green eyes, and a talking Meowth, had it or at least where it was. Brock explained to Ash that Team Rocket could’ve taken it while they were asleep.

Team Rocket came in and said the motto as usual. They demanded Ash give them Pikachu. Ash answered them trying to seem like he wasn’t as upset as he truly was.

“Go away. Pikachu’s missing.” They could still tell he was nearly in tears.

“Fine then we’ll take you instead.” Jesse said and had their giant machine grab Ash. Before Ash could scream something like a gas sprayed and Ash was out cold.

May, a girl with brown hair and blue eyes, she was wearing a red shirt and dark blue shorts with a white skirt over them and a red bandana with a poke ball symbol on it, and Max, a younger boy that had black hair and dark eyes with glasses and a green shirt and grey shorts, had been on the way to get Ash and Brock for a while. As they walked the machine passed above them. They wondered what it was. Ash’s hat fell to the ground. May grabbed it off the ground and started to get nervous. Max came and got scared, all they wanted to know was what was going on.

Misty, a girl with red hair and blue eyes in a red shirt with a yellow vest over the top and yellow shorts, and Tracey, a boy with dark greenish hair and dark eyes in a green T-shirt and red shorts, were on their way to Pallet as well. Misty saw Max and May and started to wave and yell hi. After not getting any response her smile faded away. She and Tracey ran to see what was up. They caught up to them and asked what was wrong. May turned and told her that they found Ash’s hat. Misty and Tracey exchanged looks and looked towards the ground.

The four ran to Pallet and saw Brock and the professor. They asked what happened. Brock told them the whole story. All the kids grabbed their pokeballs and Max grabbed Ash’s poke balls, Oak grabbed some poke balls o off his shelves and they went to find Ash.

Mean While…

Ash woke in Team Rocket’s new secret lair. He was still a little out of it. He looked at Team Rocket and started to complain. He was yelling at them and started to freak out.

“Why’d you take me? I have to find Pikachu. Let me get out of here.” Ash started at them.

“Quiet down you little brat. Where are you going? We kidnapped you fair and square.” Jesse said angrily.

“Well you don’t expect me to sit here when Pikachu’s missing.” Ash replied as he left.

He walked away thinking that Team Rocket’s plan had been foiled. He was wondering how it was that easy. He started to travel around looking for Pikachu, he saw a weak thunder attack from a mountain and he headed for it. He went searching through the mountain and looked for Pikachu everywhere. It started to snow and Ash was in a T-shirt and pajama pants still. He didn’t have his bag or any sweater.
He found Pikachu in a small cave and carried it. It was dark and Ash was wandering around to try to get home. The snow grew to a blizzard but they still couldn’t stop, they had no place to anyway.

Team Rocket came to attack Ash. Jessie had Seviper use bite. They were hidden so Ash had no clue they were going to attack. The bite attack hit his arm directly. He let out a scream and ran. He knew after the hours he was out there he wouldn’t be able to fight. Ash hid and after a while Team Rocket left. Pikachu regained consciousness by now. Ash got ready to go but he only walked for a few minutes and he passed out. Pikachu got scared but then heard a voice a familiar voice, it was Misty. Pikachu ran to her and she followed it to see Ash. She saw him and called everyone over to him. They had to work with each other to get Ash to an area an ambulance could easily find. They had a blanket around him. Misty pulled out a cell phone and called an ambulance right away. Before the ambulance came, Richie a boy in a green T-shirt and green pants on, he had long brown hair and blue eyes, was walking by and saw them all over in the little spot so he went to see what was going on. He saw Ash and asked Tracey what happened. Tracey explained and Richie looked. You could tell by his and every one else’s face’s that they were all worried and scared.

The ambulance arrived and they got Ash in it. Oak took all the kids in his car. They got to the hospital and saw how busy it was, Richie looked around and saw two girls, one was in a blue T-shirt and jeans, she had shoulder length strawberry-blond hair, blue eyes and freckles. The other had a red T-shirt and black jeans, her hair was in short pig-tails and strawberry-blond hair, she had greenish-brown eyes.

They had been helping out with teaching little kids about training pokemon when they get older. The first girl started to walk she had some books about pokemon that they read to the kids. She dropped the books near Richie and apologized for dropping one on his foot. He said it was okay, it was a small book so it was fine. She started to talk to him.

“Hi, I’m Star.” She said in a sweet kind of shy voice.

“Hi I’m Richie.” He said. She could tell by his voice he was upset.

A nurse came over to the two girls and asked them if they could help out with Ash. The second girl, Lilly, said okay and star agreed with her. They got to his room and a doctor asked them to hand him a shot. Lilly grabbed it and handed it to him he injected the shot into Ash. The doctor told them that was all the help he needed at the time and the two went back to the little kids.

Star let out her pokemon, a Vulpix, Skitty, Minun, Espeon, Poochyena, and Ninetails. Lilly let out hers, a Plusle, Evee, Umbreon, Swellow, Marshtomp, and Flareon. The kids started to play with the pokemon and Star went back to see Richie, the doctor still wouldn’t let anyone in Ash’s room. Star started to talk.

“The boy I had to help with, he’s your friend, isn’t he?” She asked in a sympathetic voice.

“Yeah and I’m real nervous about him.” He answered in an upset voice.
_______________________________
Yes, I left you wondering.
 
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Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
... First: you need to learn to portray emotions BETTER;

“The boy I had to help with, he’s your friend, isn’t he?” She asked in a sympathetic voice.

“Yeah and I’m real nervous about him.” He answered in an upset voice.

SO, their voices are emotion filled, but outside that they are void of feeling?

“The boy I had to help with, he’s your friend, isn’t he?” She asked, her tone a sympathetic one.

“Yeah and I’m real nervous about him.” He answered, clearly sounding as upset as he looked.

See how much better they sound?

Team Rocket came to attack Ash. Jessie had Seviper use bite. They were hidden so Ash had no clue they were going to attack. The bite attack hit his arm directly.

So Ash is deaf aswell as blind?

I'm sorry but there could be something here... but burried under the bland convoy of emotions, and the rushed paragraphs of action that could easily have been stretched and flushed to what, three paragraphs per scene? There's nothing here but rushed, boring and flat trite. Why don't you go read Advice for Aspiring Authors, and take your time ;x
 

Ash_Fan_#1

<We are unbeatable~*
Ok Shiny-Star-Vulpix and I have some of the same characters but a lot of differences. One is in her story Lilly started out with an Eevee but she started with a Plusle in mine. Also she said they waited until they were 12 but in mine they started at 10 and are 12 now.
_______________________
A doctor came out of Ash’s room and said he had re gained consciousness and his friends could see him now. His friends all headed to his room to see him. Star came over to Richie and started to talk in a kind voice.

“Well looks like your friend’s ok.” She said and smiled at Richie.

“Yeah, I’m glad.” Richie said in a relieved voice and returned the smile.

Richie left to Ash’s room and Star smiled. Lilly came over for a minute and looked at Star she started to talk.

“You like him.”

“Me no he’s nice he and I might be friends and all but that’s it.”

“Right.”

A little girl with light-brown hair and hazel eyes came over to Lilly. The little girl’s name was Rosie and she idolized Lilly because she did so well in all the Pokemon Leagues she had entered, she came in, in the top 6 in the Indigo and Orange Leagues, and First in the Hoen and Johto Leagues.

“Lilly, I have to go now, promise you and Plusle will come back tomorrow.” Rosie said to Lilly and smiled.

“Of course we will.” Lilly said and smiled at the little girl.

Rosie’s mother stopped to talk to Lilly.

“Lilly thank you. Rosie wasn’t confident that she could be a trainer, even though she’s 5 she acts like tomorrow she has to be ready to be a trainer but after she met you she wants her first pokemon today. She looks up to you like an older sister.” She said in a kind soft voice and smiled at Lilly.

“It’s no problem. Actually I love it. See I only have an older sister so it’s nice to have some one who looks up to me. Well bye Miss Ellens.” Lilly said back and smiled.

After Rosie and Miss Ellens left a nurse walked over to Lilly.

“Lilly we have way to much work so can you do me a favor?” She asked.

“Sure, Julia, what?” Lilly answered in an happy voice.

“I have some food here for Ash Ketchum, can you bring it to his room? And don’t be too shy only one of his friends is still there. Star, go with Lilly.” The nurse said and handed Lilly the tray of food.

“Well come on Star let’s go.” Lilly said and looked at Star.

“Yeah.” Star answered.

They got to the room the one friend left was Richie. Lilly saw Ash and brought him the food, it was some soup and a glass of juice.

“Here’s your food Ash.” She told him in a soft shy voice and smiled as she handed the food to him.

“Thanks.” Ash said in a very weak faint voice.

Richie saw Star and got up to walk over to her.

“Hi Star.” He said and smiled at her.

“Hi Richie.” She answered and returned the smile.

The doctor came in and started to talk.

“I’m sorry but you guys have to leave now. We need to run a few tests on Ash.” He told them.

“Ok. Don’t worry Ash I’ll be back to visit tomorrow.” Richie told him.

“Bye.” Lilly and Star said at the same time.

“Uh…” Richie started to say after they got outside.

“What’s up Richie?” Star asked.

“I don’t have any where to stay over night.” Richie answered.

“Well I’m at Lilly’s while her mom isn’t home and her sister’s out on her journey, maybe you can stay with us.” Star answered.

“Ok, well if it’s ok with Lilly that is.” Richie replied.

“Lilly is it ok with you? Lilly, Lilly, LILLY!!!” Star asked. She finally got Lilly’s attention.

“Sure… whatever.” She answered and star could tell she was thinking about something.

They got to Lilly’s house and got some spaghetti out of her fridge and put it in the microwave. They ate at the table, Richie started to talk.

“When you said that Lilly’s family was out you never mentioned her dad.” Richie pointed out.

“My dad, well, he works for a company my family doesn’t like.” Lilly started.

“Ohh… Uhh… well I don’t mean to be nosey but, what company?” Richie asked.

“Team Rocket.” Lilly answered. “But I know he cares about me, once I was kidnapped by Team Rocket and before he knew about that I was trying to escape and he was begging that they leave me alone, of course they didn’t listen. He found me after that and since Plusle’s always out because it hates its poke ball, he said that I was a good trainer and I had the strongest Plusle he’d ever seen and since my grandparents use to raise Plusle that was a mega compliment. After he led me out so I could go to the next town.” Lilly finished explaining.

They ate and went to bed. Richie fell asleep right away but Lilly and Star were still awake. Star started to talk to Lilly.

“Lilly why were you so quiet and not listening to me when we were on our way here?” Star asked.

“I felt sorry for Ash, I mean he looked so awful.” Lilly answered.

“Lilly don’t worry about it, he’ll be fine, Dr. John is his doctor, he’s the best doctor in the hospital.” Star told her trying to calm her down.

“I know but I’m still nervous.” Lilly told her.

They both fell asleep. The next morning they woke up and got some breakfast. They only grabbed cereal bars and went to the hospital. They got there and Ash was still asleep so they helped with the kids. Rosie came in and ran up to Lilly as soon as she got their. She looked sad and Lilly asked what was wrong.

“Rosie why are you so sad?” Lilly asked in a concerned voice.

“There’s a girl from school and she’s mean to me and today she passed me when I was playing in my yard and made fun of me because she has a pokemon and I don’t.” Rosie answered while crying and hugged Lilly.

Lilly hugged her back looked in her bag for something. She took out a pokeball and held it out to Rosie.

“Rosie I have two Plusle’s, thi is my younger one, I want you to have it.” Lilly told her and smiled.

Rosie’s tears stopped, her eyes grew with joy, and a huge smile came upon her face.

“Lilly thank you so much, I promise I’ll take really good care of it.” She said with so much happiness in her voice.

Rosie ran over to tell her mom. Miss Ellens came over to Lilly.

“Lilly, you’re an angel. You just lifted her spirits so much. Thank you.” She told Lilly in the most grateful voice.

The doctor came out of Ash’s room. He told them ash woke up.

“I did some tests last night and Ash should be able to get out by Thursday” (so you know right now it’s Monday). The doctor told the three kids.
_____________________
Yes I know it’s long but I needed something to do and then I got writers block.
Sorry if it’s not that good, I know I’m not to good with Fan Fics.
 

Ash_Fan_#1

<We are unbeatable~*
Yeah no one sent me reply's so maybe this time you will but I don't know.
________________________________

After that all three smiled. Rosie ran over.

“Lilly, why are you so happy?” Rosie asked in a confused voice.

“I just heard some good news.” Lilly answered.

“Lilly, uhh… could you and your Eevee maybe battle me, I mean outside, not in here.” Rosie asked and sounded sort of nervous.

“Well sure.” Lilly let out Eevee. “Eevee want to battle? I’ll wearn you she should be a pretty strong trainer.” Lilly said while looking at Eevee.

“Eevee ee.” Eevee answered and got ready to battle.

“Alright let’s go outside and battle.” Lilly said and went outside.
“Rosie, you guys make the first move.” Lilly told Rosie.

Rosie nodded and got a serious face on.

“Ok Plusle, let’s start easy with a tackle.” Rosie told Plusle.

“Eevee, dodge with Quick Attack and go into Take Down.” Lilly told Eevee.

“Good job Eevee, direct hit.” Lilly went on.

“Plusle, Thunder Bolt.” Rosie told her Plusle.

“Eevee, Shadow Ball.” Lilly yelled to her Eevee.

The attacks were equally matched. They exploded and smoke covered the field. The smoke cleared out and both Pokemon were unable to battle, the match ended in a tie.

“Good battle Rosie. You do have the right stuff. Someday I might be battling you in the Pokemon League.” Lilly told her and smiled.

“I can’t believe it I’m so happy, I mean just to tie with you means I must be a good trainer.” She said with tears of joy running down her face.

They went inside and Rosie ran over to her mother.

“Mommy, I just tied with Lilly in a battle.” She said and sounded so excited.

“Honey that’s incredible.” Miss Ellens told her young daughter.
“Lilly can you come here?” She asked.

“Yeah, what’s up.” Lilly asked.

“Lilly, I know you’re a trainer, and I know it might be a hassle, but on Thursday I’ve got to go on a business trip and if you could take Rosie on your journey it would be such a help.” Miss Ellens told Lilly trying to ask if Lilly would take Rosie.

“Of course I’ll take her, I’d love to and it’ll be so much fun.” Lilly answered in an excited voice with a smile on.

“Rosie come here.” Miss Ellens called.

“Yeah Mommy?” Rosie asked.

“Rosie, I have to go on a business trip and if you want you can travel with Lilly.” Miss Ellens explained in a calm soft voice.

“Are you kidding? I’d love to go with Lilly.” Rosie answered in a voice filled with excitement.

Rosie and her mom left to go home and Lilly went to Ash’s room. Star and Richie were already there. Star looked at Lilly.

“So where were you?” She asked.

“Well Rosie and I had a battle and we tied.” Lilly answered.

“Cool.” Star repied

“So we’re gonna start to travel again on Friday, right?” Lilly asked.

“Yep, I was thinking if Ash and Richie want to they could come too.” Star said and smiled at Richie.

“Sure, I’d love to.” Richie said.

“Ok.” Ash said trying to avoid talking to much because his voice wasn’t completely back yet.

“That makes three new recruits.” Lilly said.

“Wait, three?” star asked.

“Yeah, Miss Ellens is going on a business trip and asked me to take Rosie.” Lilly answered. “Is that gonna be a problem?” Lilly asked.

“No that’s fine.” Star answered.

Ash and Richie both nodded. Nothing Important happened the rest of the day or the next day so I’m not going to bore you with the details.

It was finally Thursday and Richie, Star, and Lilly rose early. They got dressed in the same clothes as usual. (So you know they always put them in the laundry after they change into their pj’s.) they gabbed some cereal bars as usual, and went straight to the hospital.

They got there and Rosie was waiting with her mother.

“Rosie I love you. Be good for Lilly ok.” Miss Ellens said

“I love you too Mommy. I will.” Rosie answered and hugged her mother.

Rosie went over to Lilly, both Plusle’s were out and playing. Star’s Minun and Richies Pikachu, Sparky, joined in. Ash came out with Pkachu by his side. He was in his average outfit, a blue sleeveless sweater with a light-blue half a pokeball symbol half way down, light-blue jeans, a red hat with black in the middle going vertically with a green half-pokeball symbol in the middle of the black, and black gloves without the fingers and green cuffs. All the kids left and started to talk.

“Well, I’m glad to see you’ve made a recovery.” Lilly said and smiled.

“Thanks.” Ash answered and returned the smile.

“Well the doctor said you should rest for a day before we start to travel.” Richie said.

“Come to Lilly’s with us then.” Star said and smiled.

They got to Lilly’s and let out all of their pokemon to play in a special room made just for the pokemon to play. They all went to watch T.V. Lilly didn’t though she went to her room and Rosie followed her.

“Lilly, ya know that Ash kid is cute.” Rosie told her.

Lilly nodded.
“He is. And his Pikachu is too.” Lilly answered.

“I Like Pikachu, but Plusle’s my favorite pokemon.” Rosie told Lilly.

“Plusle’s my favorite too.” Lilly answered her.

Star came in.

“Lilly, come on. We’re watching Spy Kids, I know you love Spy Kids movies.” Star told her.

“I love Spy Kids too.” Rosie said and smiled.

“Well let’s go then.” Lilly said.

They watched the first two and Lilly was looking for the third. Ash got up and helped look. Lilly looked at him.

“Why are you helping?” Lilly asked Ash in a kind of confused and shy voice.

“Well, for starters we’re all going to watch it so why should you be the only one to search, and B, the third one’s my favorite.” Ash answered in a calm sweet voice.

“No way. The third one’s my favorite too.” Lilly said in a joyful voice.


They looked for it for an hour. Lilly and Ash exchanged looks and sighed. Star and Richie looked at them, rolled their eyes, and laughed a little.

“Guys, why don’t we just go to Blockbuster and rent it.” Star told them.

“Well, let’s go then.” Lilly said.

“Uh… Guys isn’t that a little far off to walk?” Rosie asked.

“Who said we’re walking.” Lilly said.

They went outside, Lilly took out two pokeballs and Star took out one.
Lilly and Star each let out a Rapadash. Star’s was shiny and Lilly’s was dark.

“Ash will ride with me and Richie will ride with Star.” Lilly told the guys.

“Lilly, what about me?” Rosie asked.

“And Rosie will ride my Ponyta” Lilly said and let the other pokemon out.

“Wow, thanks Lilly.” Rosie said and smiled.

Lilly walked over to Rapadash and Ash helped her get on. They got to Blockbuster and rented the DVD. Rosie, Lilly and Ash’s stomachs started to rumble. Star sighed.

“Looks like we should get you guys some food.” Star said.

“Fine. We’re getting McDonalds.” Lilly told Star and Richie.

_________________________

Yes I it’s long. But at least it’s not to short. Bye world until next time.
 

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
Description is where?

You are not putting any effort into it outside of making it long. You don't describe the pokemon, the attack, or the characters. It seems you even barely describe the surroundings. You are half (censor) about this chapter, as you did the last two. There is a thing to help you get better past this bland flatness of two dimensional characters, plot and pokemon. It's called Listening to advice and READING ADVICE FOR ASPIRING AUTHORS.
 

DarkPersian479

Well-Known Member
The grammar (particularly punctuation) and description need more work, and the battle could have been described better and fleshed out so that two attacks didn't decide it. It just seems bland and dull. Spice it up with adjectives and the thoughts of the trainers.

But it is better than your previous efforts, so some points for that. Still room for improvement, though, especially in terms of description (and that is a buzzword you will hear a lot here). Just remember that you don't need to have a chapter up every day. Take your time, add detail, and make sure it is ready for publication before you post.
 

Ash_Fan_#1

<We are unbeatable~*
You know what, I usualy write play like stuff so I am not to good with the description.
 
I think she is doing fine and i am not just saying that because she is my friend.
 
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Draconis

Currently active.
I think she is doing fine and i am not just saying that because she is my friend.


This coming from someone who blatantly ignored the rules thread, advice for aspiring authors thread, and all the advice and constructive critiscism given to them.


Usually writing "play like stuff" is not an excuse for bland writing, with poor description.
 

Ash_Fan_#1

<We are unbeatable~*
This coming from someone who blatantly ignored the rules thread, advice for aspiring authors thread, and all the advice and constructive critiscism given to them.


Usually writing "play like stuff" is not an excuse for bland writing, with poor description.

Don't you critsize my friends!!!!!!!!!!!!
That and I don't have to put description in plays, I just hae to tell them what to wear, I don't have to describe in plays **** it.
 
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Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
That and I don't have to put description in plays, I just hae to tell them what to wear, I don't have to describe in plays **** it.

You mean SCRIPTS and even then that is a POOR MANS EXCUSE for NOT writing description and not wanting to try and get better! You want to expand from skimpy scripting? YOU HAVE TO WORK AT IT. But fine, you want to fall off the horse and not get back on, you're fault. Your loss. And you have only yourself to blame.
 

DarkPersian479

Well-Known Member
You know what, I usualy write play like stuff so I am not to good with the description.

Um, yeah. Outside of my fanfic, the most I write are math equations for homework, which don't even involve creativity, much less description. Yet somehow I STILL manage to include a good deal of description in my fic here. So...

NOT. AN. EXCUSE.

Don't you critsize my friends!!!!!!!!!!!!
That and I don't have to put description in plays, I just hae to tell them what to wear, I don't have to describe in plays **** it.

First, your friend was very rude to me in a PM reply where I was TRYING to let her know to contact the mods regarding the fact that you two use the same computer (to clear up possible confusion).

Second, I thought you were getting better, but with this attitude, I suppose not. If you would rather give up than improve, well, nobody can stop you but yourself.
 
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Ash_Fan_#1

<We are unbeatable~*
Uh… there may be violence that kids shouldn’t read about in this chapter, only a little bit.
__________________________
“Ok.” Star said.

They got to McDonalds. It looked different today, usually it was just average, but today there were balloons and flags of all sorts of colors and designs. They walked in and looked around, the inside had toys and balloons all over and all kinds of people were trying to get around, there was even a guy with a camera shooting for Live T.V., a network that has all the local celebrities or celebrity appearances. Lilly, Ash, Rosie, Star, and Richie squeezed through to the counter.

“Hi. I’m Lilly and these are my friends. Not to be rude, but could you tell us what’s up?” Lilly asked a girl in a red uniform with a nametag that said Jenny on it.

“Hi, Everyone in the known universe is here because they need food before they go to see the new queen of Pokemon Cheerleading, actually, she’s about your age.” Jenny replied.

“Oh, well can we order our food?” Star asked.

“Yeah. What do you want.” Jenny asked.

“I’ll have a double hamburger with only catsup” Lilly asked.

“I’ll have the same.” Ash said right after her.

“Me too, but I want cheese on mine.” Star told Jenny.

“Same as her.” Richie said pointing at Star.

“I want chicken nuggets.” Rosie said attempting to see over the counter.

“So how much do I owe you.” Lilly asked.

“Five dollars.” Jenny answered.

“Only five?” Lilly asked.

“Yep. You guys all got dollar menu food.” Jenny told them.

“Jenny?” Lilly asked.

“What?” Jenny asked back.

“If the girl’s going to be at the mall, why is McDonalds all decorated.

“I don’t know.” Jenny answered.

Everyone besides the kids and Jenny had left to the mall. Suddenly they heard something outside. They figured that it was more cars on the way to the mall. Two people walked in with a Meowth.

“It’s Team Rocket.” Ash shouted.

“Well, aren’t we observant.” Jessie said in sarcastic voice.

“Why are you guys here?” Rosie said without thinking.

“She is another Lilly.” Star said.

“Well what do we have here? A little girl who thinks she’s all grown-up?” Jessie said. (yet again sarcastically).

“I could take you any day.” Rosie yelled at them.

“Well, let’s see if Cacnea can’t change your mind on that. Cacnea, use the strongest Needle Arm possible on her.” James told his pokemon while pointing at Rosie.

“No.” Lilly said and jumped in front of Rosie.

The Needle Arm hit Lilly right on her arm. The blood was coming out and the pain had her nearly in tears. (Just so you know Lilly doesn’t cry from pain usually so to have her nearly crying means it would have had to really hurt.) Ash was the first to run over to see if she was ok. The look on his face said it all, that he was worried and was going to make Team Rocket pay. Star and Richie came right after. By the time they had finished crossing the room Lilly was crying. Star took an old blanket out of her bag and wrapped it around Lilly’s arm. Rosie went across the room and hid. She was crying because she thought it was her fault. Ash, Richie, and Star all looked worried, but there was something a bout it that made Ash look more worried and angry than Richie and Star.

“You’re gonna pay for that.” Ash cried out. He started to run over to Team Rocket with his fist out.

“Ash, no don’t.” Richie cried across the room, but it was no use, Ash was going to make them pay.

Ash got to Team Rocket, he punched James in the stomach so hard he hit the wall and spit-up blood. Jessie and Meowth backed away. They helped James up and all ran outside to their balloon.

Ash went over to where Rosie hid. He saw her face and the tears rolling down it.

“Rosie it’s all over, you can come out, it’s safe now.” He told her in a calm voice.

Rosie came out and still cried.

“Rosie, it’s all over, you don’t have to cry any more.” Ash explained in the calm caring voice he’d been using.

“I’m not crying cause’ I’m scared, I’m crying cause it’s my fault Lilly’s hurt.” She told Ash through her tears.

“Rosie, it’s not your fault, we all make mistakes.” Ash explained.

Pikachu and Rosie’s Plusle came over to cheer her up.

“Come on, let’s help them with Lilly.” Ash said.

They went over to see Lilly. She was still crying. Rosie looked down at the floor.

“I’m sorry Lilly.” She said through her tears.

“It’s not your fault Rosie.” Lilly told her trying to stop crying from the pain while Rosie was there.

“I better call an ambulance if she’s in this she’s in this much pain.” Jenny said and walked towards the phone.

“No, just let me stay at my house, I’ll feel better by morning.” Lilly told her. (To clarify, Lilly only goes to hospitals to help out and visit people, she would go crazy if she were the one who needed to be there.)

“Are you sure, that seems to be really hurting you.” Jenny asked Lilly.

“I’m sure.” Lilly said getting aggravated.

They helped Lilly up and went out. They let their Rapidash and Ponyta. Ash sat in front this time because of Lilly’s arm. On the way a girl who was beautiful, she had hair in pig-tails that reached down to her waist, her hair was golden blond with light-blond streaks, she was in a light-pink halter-top, a bright-pink cheerleading skirt, and pink sandals.

“Oh my dear, what happened to her?” she asked.

Ash stopped to talk to her.

“Uhh… she got attacked by a Cacnea. Um… can I know your name?” Ash asked.

“Oh… yeah my name’s Meggy.” The girl told Ash.

“So where are you going?“ Ash asked.

“I’m just looking for somewhere to stay over night.” Meggy told him.

“Well, you can stay with us.” Ash told her.

“Oh, thank you.” Meggy said.

Lilly had fallen asleep so Ash didn’t wake her. He got her off and carried her to her bed and laid her down, he put a blanket over her and wrapped up her arm in a bandage. He sat there and smiled while watching her sleep. Rosie walked in followed by her Plusle, Lilly’s Plusle and Pikachu.

“Hi Ash.” She said in a quiet voice.

“Hey Rosie.” Ash replied.

“Is Lilly ok?” Rosie asked.

“Yeah she should be, but her arm might be bothering her for a while.” Ash answered.

Rosie nodded. Lilly’s Plusle jumped up to see Lilly, it laid down curled up to her. Meggy walked in.

“Ash, come on, let her sleep, let’s watch T.V.” She told Ash in the sweet voice she’d been using.

“I’ll be there in a while.” Ash answered.

“Ok.” Meggy said and walked away to the living room.

Ash sat with Lilly for another hour. Rosie and the pokemon fell asleep. Ash put Rosie in the bed next to Lilly’s with her Plusle. He left Pikachu and Lilly’s Plusle next to her.

Ash went in the living room. Richie and Star were asleep on one couch. Meggy was on the computer.

“Ash, put on channel 5.” Meggy told Ash.

Ash put it on but still wondered what was so important about the news at that time. He watched the T.V.

“Amy, back to you.” A guy on the T.V. said.

“Thanks John.” The lady named Amy said. “In other news, here’s a picture from today’s event at the Leicester Mall. This is the Miss Cheerleader 2006.” Amy finished.

Ash’s mouth dropped, the girl was Meggy. She had a Plusle that’s red fur was so faded it was pink. Meggy looked over and smiled.

“There was a reason I told you this channel.” Meggy told Ash.

“If you’re here for that, why didn’t you have a hotel room?” Ash asked.

“Well, all the hotels were full of people who came to see me. I was going to camp out until you offered to let me stay here.” Meggy explained.

After that they shut every thing off and went to bed.

The next morning Lilly slept in late. She woke up on time for breakfast.

“Good morning.” Meggy said.

“Um… Hi.” Lilly said in a confused voice.

“I’m Meggy.” Meggy told Lilly.

Lilly grabbed Ash and started whispering to him.

“Ash, who is she?” Lilly demanded a response.

“She’s the cheerleader girl. She didn’t have anywhere to stay so I said she could stay here.” Ash answered.

“Ok…” Lilly said.

They all sat down to eat.

“So, Lilly, how’s your arm?” Richie asked.

“Better.” Lilly answered.

“Well, do you think you want to start traveling today?” Star asked.

“Yeah.” She said right away.

Lilly’s arm did still hurt but she doesn’t want anyone to over worry.
_______________________
Yes, I know I’m not that good.
 
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Draconis

Currently active.
Your fic is still short on description, and is still bland, and a bit marysueish.

"Oh, I'm hurt, maybe the main character will sweep me off my feet, and tend to my wounds."


@Shiny Star Vulpix: I could care less if the writer of this fic is your friend. Your friend is barely doing any better than you did on your now closed fic. If you, or your friend don't want your work critiscized, then don't submit it here, or at any respectable fanfic commuinity for that matter.
 

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
“It’s Team Rocket!” Ash declared, shock and exasperation lacing his tone as it showed clearly on his face

“Well, aren’t we observant.” Jessie snapped out sarcastically at Ash as she placed her hands on her hips.

“Why are you guys here?!” Rosie demanded without a second thought, pointing a finger at the group.

God, how hard is it to do an extra bit of effort to DESCRIBE EMOTIONS? You're still going about this as lazily as you were in your former chapters. You know what? I'm just gonna throw this at a mod. Maybe when a mod posts, You'll actually LISTEN.
 

Ash_Fan_#1

<We are unbeatable~*
Lrt's face it I'm not good with descriptions, so why don't you guys let me attempt because you're worse than a writing teacher.

P.S. I have shown my writing teacher the writen one and he said I'm doing good for early story writing, and to improve as I go on, and I should just try how I am and get better as I go, and last, if writing is taken to seriously the fun and joy of it is taken away.
 
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Ash_Fan_#1

<We are unbeatable~*
One thing for this chapter, Lilly will end up singing a song so I’m letting everyone know ahead of time the song is “Girl Next Door” By- Saving Jane, just so there’s no confusion.
_________________________
They finished eating and got ready to go. Meggy let out the Plusle Ash saw on T.V. the night before. Lilly and Rosie’s Plusle’s went to greet it and it just acted like a snobby jerk.

“Um… Ash,” Meggy started with a face that said she was shy about asking a question.

“Yeah?” Ash asked and turned to her.

“I was uh… wondering, if um… maybe I could uh… travel with you guys?”

“Sure. Well if it’s alright with them.”

“Fine with us.” Star and Richie said at the same time.

“Lilly, Lilly, LILLY!” Star exclaimed trying to get Lilly’s attention.

“Whatever.” Lilly answered not really even caring.

They headed out to catch the boat to an island. The boat had stores and restaurants. It was like a town in a ship. They went looking around. They found a store that sold costumes.

“Lilly, what’s wrong?” Star asked.

“I don’t trust Meggy.” Lilly answered.

“But she’s nice.”

“Pokemon usually act like their trainers, did you see what a jerk her Plusle was.”

“Lilly she’s not evil.” Star finished the conversation.

They went in and looked around. Richie found a poster, it was telling that a dance was going to take place that night in the town the boat stops at. They went to a restaurant for lunch. Meggy sat next to Ash and Richie sat between Ash and Star. Lilly sat alone. Three guys came out. One, Jay, was 12 and very tall, he has short blond hair, brown eyes and glasses. Another, Jim, who was 13, very short with short dirty-blond hair and blue eyes. Last Timmy, he was 10, he also had short dirty-blond hair and greenish-brownish eyes. After came two girls. The first, Diamond, was 10, she had brown hair and brown eyes. The next, Kayla, was 11, she had lighter brown hair and light-green eyes. They came and sat with Lilly.

“Lilly, are you alright?” Kayla asked.

“They don’t care, Meggy’s evil and they don’t believe me, they just don’t care.” Lilly said while starting to cry.

“What?” Jay asked as if he was clueless to the situation.

“Meggy, she’s the Miss Cheer girl. She acts sweet but I can see past her. Everyone thinks she’s perfect.” Lilly said through her tears.

Kayla hugged her.

“Lilly, it’s ok.” Jay told her.

“It’s not. She’s trying to make me mad. She knows I’m the only one who sees past her act. She knows if I don’t stop her no one will.” She said and looked at Meggy.

They through out our trash. Everyone had to go, I was left without anyone who cares. I didn’t talk much and they kept turning to make sure I was still there.

“Will you guys stop checking on me, I’m 12, I can take care of myself.” Lilly told them, I’m sure everyone could tell I was aggravated.

That night Lilly couldn’t stand it, they were in the town by now, all day Lilly had been quiet, she saw Ash and Meggy and kept seeing Ash treating Meggy like a princess. That night, while everyone was getting ready for the dance, Lilly ran away. She just got so mad she couldn’t go on with watching her friends treating Meggy like a queen. She ran into the woods, it was cold and she didn’t have a sweater, it was close to winter so she was mad at herself for not taking a coat. She started to sing her favorite song.


Girl Next Door


Small town homecoming queen
She's the star in this scene
There's no way to deny she's lovely
Perfect skin, perfect hair
Perfumed hearts everywhere
Tell myself that inside she's ugly
Maybe I'm just jealous
I can't help but hate her
Secretly I wonder if my boyfriend wants to date her

She is the prom queen I'm in the marching band
She is a cheerleader I'm sitting in the stands
She gets the top bunk I'm sleeping on the floor
She's Miss America and I'm just the girl next door

Senior class president
She must be heaven sent
She was never the last one standing
A backseat debutaunt
Everything that you want
Never to harsh or too demanding
Maybe I'll admit it
I'm a little bitter
Everybody loves her but I just wanna hit her

She is the prom queen I'm in the marching band
She is a cheerleader I'm sitting in the stands
She gets the top bunk I'm sleeping on the floor
She's Miss America and I'm just the girl next door
Oh and I'm just the girl next door

I don't know why I'm feeling sorry for myself
I spend all my time wishing that I was someone else

She is the prom queen I'm in the marching band
She is a cheerleader I'm sitting in the stands
I get a little bit, she gets a little more
She's Miss America and... she's Miss America
I'm just the girl next door...


Timmy came over out of a bush.

“Nice job, but was Ash really your boy friend?” He asked smiling.

“Thanks, and no but I just sang the real song.” Lilly answered.

“You know, Ash and everyone at the dance are worried to death about you.” Timmy told her.

“Yeah right, all they care about, especially Ash, is Princess Meggy.” Lilly replied in a sarcastic voice and rolled her eyes.

“I’m serious, they’re looking for you and they have their pokemon searching too.” Timmy told Lilly.

“I won’t go back, I’ll just go back to seeing everyone care so much about Meggy and ignoring me.” Lilly replied.

“Well, me and everyone else who you know care are worried.” Timmy told her.

“I’ll go back for you guys but not anyone else.” Lilly told him. She started to shiver a little.

“Here’s a blanket, it might help keep you warm.” Timmy said while giving her the blanket.

“Thanks.” Lilly replied in a sad voice.

She didn’t want to go back, she wanted to stay in the woods. It started to snow pretty heavily. Some thing blew out of Lilly’s bag, it was her pokeballs.

“Oh no, not my pokemon.” Lilly said nearly to tears because of it. “Timmy, take Plusle back, I have to get my pokemon back.”

“No way, it’s cold, you only have a blanket, the snow storm’s picking up…” Timmy started.

“Timmy, stop acting like my mom, I’m a big girl, I can take care of myself.” Lilly told him while grabbing his shoulders tightly.

Timmy sighed. “Ok.” He gave her a hug and grabbed Plusle. Plusle didn’t want to go as Timmy carried it away it cried and reached for Lilly. Lilly looked at it and felt bad but she turned away and started to look for her poke balls. She found them all together in a small pile of snow. She found a secret cave to stay in until the storm died down. She wrapped the pokeballs in the blanket, she was now in only a T-shirt and jeans. She was in the dark little cave all night. The next morning she heard voices outside calling her. They were all worried voices. She got out of the cave, before she could blink Ash came over and gave her a hug. She was very confused.

“Lilly, you were right, Meggy is evil, she’s a member of Team Rocket.” Ash said in a sorry voice while looking at the ground.

“Isn’t she to young?” Lilly asked.

“Yeah, but her father got her in.” Ash answered.

“Well, is everything ok, I mean did she hurt anyone, or any pokemon?” Lilly asked, Ash looked at her face and could tell she was worried.

“Yeah, but I’m more worried about you, you’ve been out here alone, in a T-shirt all night.” Ash answered. “Come on we better get you to a hospital or Pokemon Center or something.” Ash said.

“Calm down Ash, I’m fine.” Lilly told him.

“Oh yeah, I can see it in your eyes that your sick, I mean I’ve known you our whole lives so I can see these things easily.” Star said coming into the conversation.

“Well, let’s go to the Pokemon Center, it’s the closest safe spot.” Richie suggested.

“Yeah, we should.” Ash said.

They went to the Pokemon Center, Ash had been walking behind Lilly so if anything happened he’d be there to help her. They got to the Pokemon Center and went inside.

“Nurse Joy, is there anywhere we can let our friend rest, she’s pretty sick.” Star asked.

“I’m fine, how many times do I have to tell you.” Lilly said.

“Well, first, it looks like she caught a pretty bad case of the flu, and second, there’s a room down the hall where she can rest.” Nurse Joy told them.

Lilly went into the room and changed into pajamas, her other clothes were soaked from the snow. After she got changed, she laid down in the bed. Ash came in with hot chocolate and soup,

“Here.” Ash said and gave Lilly the tray of food and smiled.

“Thanks, but I don’t think I really want to eat much right now.” Lilly said.

“At least try.” Timmy said walking through the door.

“Hey Timmy.” Lilly said and coughed a little.

“Joy said you’ll probably be in bed for at least a week.” Timmy said.

“A WEEK!” Lilly said and sat up in shock.

“At least.” Ash pointed out.

“Not helping.” Lilly said, she sounded very annoyed.

“Sorry.” Ash said and pulled back.

That night Lilly fell asleep early.

“Lilly really should’ve thought before she ran off like that.” Star said.

“Cut her some slack, I mean we weren’t listening to her at all.” Ash said.

“Oh come on, she didn’t care if Star and I listened, she was mad at you for ignoring her and not believing her.” Richie told him.

“Why would she care about my opinion?” Ash asked in angry voice.

“She likes you.” Timmy pointed out while leaning on the wall smiling with his arms folded.

“Duh.” Star said.

“No way, she dose not.” Ash said getting more aggravated.

“You should be happy, I used to like Lilly and wished she’d like me back.” Timmy said.

“You, mean it?” Ash asked seeming less angry.

“Yup, she just didn’t seem to like me back that way, we were good friends, but that was it.” Timmy said.

“Wow.” Ash said.

“And I know you like her to.” Star said and smiled with her eyes closed and her arms crossed.

“What? I mean I don’t like her.” Ash said acting nervous and trying to make it seem like he didn’t like Lilly.

“Dude, admit it.” Richie told Ash.

“I won’t admit it.” Ash replied.

“Guys, you think Lilly would want you to be arguing?” Timmy asked while in between them.

“Grrr… fine.” Ash said angrily.

Ash left to bed and didn’t say anything else. Everyone else soon left to bed. Later, after everyone fell asleep, Ash went in to see Lilly. He went to check on her.

“You’re worried about your friend, aren’t you.” Nurse Joy asked.

“Huh, oh, it’s just you. You kind of scared me a little.” Ash said and turned to Joy.

“Sorry.” Joy said.

“I guess I’m a little worried.” Ash answered.

“She’ll be fine, it’s a pretty bad case of the flu but she just needs to rest for a while.” Joy explained. “Now you should get to bed too.”

“I guess. If anything happens tonight while I’m asleep, please wake me up, I don’t want anything to happen to my friends.” Ash replied.

“I promise I will.” Joy answered.

“Thanks.” Ash said.

During the night Ash heard something and got up. It was just Nurse Joy checking on some pokemon. Ash was having trouble sleeping, he didn’t want Lilly to try to run away again. He remembered how worried he was the first time. After Lilly had left before, Meggy had the chance to grab Pikachu. She didn’t succeed, of course. After that Ash needed to find Lilly because if they had listened she would’ve stayed. The guilt of that gotten worse after talking to the rest of their friends, he knew they were right, that Lilly just wanted Ash to listen. The amount of guilt Ash felt was as much as he could feel, he just couldn’t help thinking that it was his fault Lilly was sick. He wanted to go back in time so this didn’t happen but he couldn’t.

The next morning Ash got out of bed.

“Hi Ash. Do you want something for breakfast?” Star asked.

“NO! Now stop bugging me.” Ash snapped.


“What’s up with you.” Star asked.

“I’m mad, ok, I admit it, it’s my fault Lilly’s sick.” Ash snapped out.

“Well just because you’re mad doesn’t mean to take it out on me. And I’m not going to take pity on you because you’re mad at yourself.” Star yelled at him.

Rosie came out.

“Rosie, you’ve been quiet lately, what’s wrong.” Ash asked in a calm voice.

“What? You’re nice to her but flip out on me?” Star exclaimed.

“I’m talking to Rosie Star, I suggest you just shut up.” Ash said.

“That’s it… I’m going to…” Star said and punched Ash in the gut.

“Ow, you witch, I hate you.” Ash yelled.

“Good I hate you too.” Star replied.

“I hate you more.” Ash said.

“No, I hate you more.” Star argued back.

“STOP IT RIGHT NOW!” Rosie exclaimed. “Lilly’s sick and all you two can do is argue? You’re supposed to be her friends.”

“I am.” Star said angrily and walked out of the room.

Ash looked at Rosie, she was looking at the floor with tears rolling down her cheeks.

“Rosie, I’m sorry. I’m just so mad at myself, I mean it’s all my fault Lilly’s sick. I just can’t be fine with anything right now. I’ll try to have a better attitude but I can’t help it.” Ash told her.

“It’s ok, but I can’t stand to see Lilly hurt.” Rosie said.

“I know how you feel.” Ash told Rosie and gave her a hug.

Rosie smiled and closed her eyes. Ash went in to see Lilly.

“Hey Ash.” Lilly said.

“Hey.” Ash said.

“It’s not your fault that I’m sick.” Lilly told him.

“It is, I know you would’ve stayed if I had listened.” Ash said.

“I should’ve thought before I ran off.” Lilly said.

“Yeah you really should’ve.”

“Oh so now you think I messed up?”

“No uh… that’s not what I said.”

“Just kidding Ash, where’s your sense of humor?”

“Team Rocket stole it.”

“That was one terrible joke Ash.”

“I know.”
IN THE LOBBY…

“Ash is such a moron, I hate him.” Star said to herself.

“Cut him some slack, he thinks it’s his fault Lilly’s sick and all.” Richie told her.

“Why should I? He shouldn’t take it out on me.” Star replied.

“Well, think about it, if you thought it was your fault that any of us were sick, how would you act?” Richie asked.

“I’d probably be a witch to all of you, well maybe not you, but everyone else.” Star said in denial.

“Wait, why would you be nice to me?” Richie asked.

“Because you’re nice and a good friend, and well I sort of like you.” Star said and blushed a little.

“Attack!” Timmy screamed and tackled Richie from a hall leading to the lobby.

“What the heck was that for?” Richie asked.

“I needed something to do.” Timmy answered.

“So you tackle me?” Richie furiously exclaimed.

“Well, when you say it like that it sounds bad.” Timmy answered.

“Wait, Star, were are you going?” Richie asked and started to follow her.

“To see Lilly.” Star replied.

“Oh.” Richie said.

“You like her back.” Timmy said.

“I guess so.” Richie said and turned to Timmy.

“Wow. You’re much less stubborn than Ash.” Timmy said.

“Yeah, but Ash won’t admit it, that he’s stubborn I mean.” Richie said.

They heard a scream from down at Lilly’s room.

“Star.” Richie exclaimed and ran down the hall with Timmy right behind him.
__________________________________
Wow, I yet again get writers block, I’ve been pretty big on writing stuff lately. Ok that chapter, I know, it stunk, so I won’t be the least bit upset about bad replies. Yes this chapter was 11 pages long, my internet has been down for like a week so I needed something to do.
 

Divinity_123

shove 'er in! ;O
God, ppl said I was horrible with my description and OU'd dialogue! I've found a succesor! YEEHAW! Meh, it's very bland IMO and you basically ignored everyone's comments and suggestions. And ya know, the title so far does not have anything to do with the fic but you might want to reveal this later I guess.

Anyways, Good luck!
 
You're ignoring all advice, you're making constant excuses to hide in your little corner so no self doubt can creep in.

It's time to wake up kid.

Go to the Fanfiction Rules, read Advice for Aspiring Authors and possibly learn how to write play script properly if you inist on using it. There is no play script here, just speech that works no better than meaningless words.

I'm not sugarcoating it all just to make you feel better, I'm not here to pat you on the ehad and tell you you've done a good job, nobody here is. People will speak negatively and you have to learn to accept it graciously and not pull an "oh woe to me" or 2Well so and so said it's good so you are all wrong!"

Honestly.

Sandra
 
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