New Fic Coming. Need Help with Description

[Legend of Lucario]

I had made a preview and posted the first chapter of the Fan Fic that you see in my sig. (The link doesn't work so don't try it). Well I got a review and it told me I tend to tell what something is and how the story is then show it. Could someone help explain what this means to me because I don't quite get the metaphor and I'd like a couple of examples to show me what it means. If someone could help me that would rock

Thanks

Travis

 

[Silawen]

It's the infamous saying 'show, don't tell' in fanfiction. The basic jist of this is that you should show us, through visuals and descriptions, what is going on instead of outright telling us. People love being entertained, for their imagination to be stimulated, and this happens through vivid descriptions and a life-like explanation of what is going on.

Take a popular book like Lord of the Rings, for instance. The story that is being told is partly as appealing because it involves a world we aren't familiar with. A picture is being painted before our eyes of something otherworldly. Had Tolkien simply gone and said 'Well, this is Middle-Earth, these people live here, and we want the bad guy dead.' everyone would not only have disliked it greatly, they would have been confused as all heck.

It's hard to explain what it means, though, so examples might not make you understand perfectly either. Let's try, though. Say, we have two people who travel together, and one of them has a crush on the other. Character A has a crush on character B. Then character C shows up and continues to sweep character B off his/her feet. Character A then proceeds to get incredibly jealous.

So, how would you describe this? The 'tell' part of this might be:

"Character A was jealous of character C and stomped his foot."

This is a very basic example, but it's true. This is me telling you character A is jealous of character C. It's a fact given to you by me, but it's also utterly dull. Now, I could also try to show you.

"The way the two were looking at each other made character A's skin crawl. An angry scowl was etched on his face, deepening with every flirtatious smile. He tensed, staring with dark eyes at the scene unfolding before him. His hands itched to interrupt them, perhaps swing a fist into character C's face, but he was unable to move. This was something even he couldn't do anything about."

Nowhere in that paragraph did I mention the word jealousy, but it's - I think - clear the character is feeling that way. Through description of a person's actions, thoughts, emotions and using all the senses, I can evoke an idea without outright stating it.

That's what people mean when they say 'show, don't tell'.

 

[Legend of Lucario]

So I'm guessing what my reviewer meant that some of the imagery that I tried to paint was rather bland. So here is something that I wrote up redoing the first chapter of my fic.

It was a beautiful day in Cherrygrove City. The sun shone through every window in the city casting wonderful shades on different items. The aroma of cherry scent floated through the air. Eroded rocks lined the shore of the lake. The lake’s sandy bottom gave the lake a crystal blue color. It was the perfect day for anglers to go out and catch the big one. Pokemon were stirred in the water like stew. The city was surrounded by nothing but lush green forest. Leaves ruffled in the light wind singing their songs of morning. Pidgey and Spearow Pokemon fluttered through the air chirping. There golden brown colors were a wonder to watch as they traveled the sky. The town was rather small. There were not but two businesses in that town. There was the Pokemon Center and the Supply Mart. Houses were scattered around the green little city. Buildings were made of pure, hard mahogany wood.

 

[Silawen]

That first sentence is a prime example of 'telling', though. It was a beautiful day? Show us, let us come to that conclusion ourselves, don't just tell us this is the case. Let me try and rewrite your paragraph to 'show' a bit more.

"Light filtered through partially closed curtains, casting various shadows on people and pokémon alike. Angry forms jutted out on the ceiling, then disappeared as windows opened. A head popped out, inhaling the sweet scent of the wild cherry trees in the yard. Wind tousled dark hair as a brilliant smile lit a young girl's face.

With thudding steps, the girl dashed down the stairs and out the door, hopping over rocks that had risen from the sand like diglett would. A small lake, crystal clear in colour, took her breath away momentarily, but was quickly forgotten as several anglers greeted her with waving hands.

All around her, lush green trees swayed in the breeze, almost obscuring the pokémon centre up ahead. The supply store, however, was nowhere to be seen. She knew where it was, even without looking, so made for it anyway. Up above, she could hear shrieks, predatory in nature, but paid no heed. "

Etc.

Don't just say 'They were, the city was, trees were...' describe that they are without implicicatly stating it.

 

[Legend of Lucario]

I liked that I really did but the girl thing wasn't exactly what I had in mind but I am starting to get this just a little. I'm going to retry this again and post an example here later.

The sun casts different shades and shadows on objects, people, and Pokemon throughout the city of Cherrygrove. Different jagged shapes took form on ceilings but soon were wiped away with dark curtains opening and windows being risen letting the cherry smell fill every room. People poked heads out windows embracing what they saw around them.

Some surrounded the calm, crystal lake, soon to be interrupted by anglers large and small waving and casting poles to catch the big one. Small waves rippled the surface of the sandy bottom lake. Bobbers floating under and over the ripples caused by the cast.

Lush trees stood tall around the city. Many flowers of different colors and shapes bloomed up all across the hills and plains of the city. The slight breeze of the wind blowing around raven colored hair of different men and women and leaves carrying them to and fro the city.

So what about something like this???

 

[Silawen]

I didn't write the example for you to use it, though. It was an example to show you about, well, 'showing' instead of telling, and wasn't supposed to be used in combination with your story. Hence the girl and such. I used her to show how using characters can 'show' a lot more.

The sun cast different shades and shadows on objects, people, and Pokémon throughout the city of Cherrygrove. Different jagged shapes took form on ceilings, but were soon wiped away because of dark curtains opening and windows being risen, letting the smell of cherry fill every room. People poked heads out of windows, embracing what they saw around them.

Your entire paragraph is in past tense, except the first sentence. If you intend to write in past tense, then stick to it. So 'cast' instead of 'casts'.

You can make the é by combining ALT with 130 on your numberpad, it's not a mistake you should have to make as it's easy to use.

Comma before but and letting, otherwise the sentence sounds awkward. Because of, because 'with' doesn't work with dark curtains and windows. You don't wipe anything with 'windows', that'd be odd.

Some surrounded the calm, crystal lake soon to be interrupted by anglers, large and small, casting poles to catch the big one. Small waves rippled the surface of the lake's sandy bottom, bobbers floating under and over the ripples caused by the cast.

Note the sentence I underlined. It's saying those people were lined around the lake, though I have no idea what else you might have meant. Those people were all surrounding the lake? What for? Some 'anglers' maybe?

Remove the comma after crystal, otherwise the anglers/people are soon to be interrupted by anglers, not the lake.

Lush trees stood tall around the city, with many flowers of different colors and shapes blooming all across its hills and plains. The slight breeze of the wind blew through raven colored hair of different men and women everywhere and carried leaves to and fro.

I've made some general corrections, ones I'd have made were I your beta. As always, these are suggestions and edits I think would make it better. However, my initial attempt was to explain 'show, don't tell' to you, not act as your beta, so I won't be doing any more editing unless it has to do with that. ^^ I don't have the time to beta even more people.

 

[Legend of Lucario]

I know my grammar is falling out of my ears and stuff. I didn't use your example I wrote that to see if that was better.

I know how to do that too it is just my laptop doesn't have a number pad and you have to hold Fn down and then press F11 so it will do the Number Lock press the letters that have the numbers beside it and then change it back out of Number Lock to write with those letters.