New Original Fic: Journey of a Lifetime

[Nintendo Theatre]

Chapter 1:
A “Glitchy” in the System

It started like any normal day. I was looking up some new information about the upcoming Pokemon episode, “Battle Tower! Telepathy Battle!”, when something very strange began to happen.

The computer screen was turning strange shades of grey and blue and a shadowy figure appeared on the screen. My dog (my normal dog), Dreamie, who was sitting right next to me, began to quiver and shake. He seemed extremely upset by this whole thing. Then, the shadowed figure on the screen came closer and closer to me when suddenly, a face popped out of the screen. I flew out of my chair! I couldn’t believe my eyes! It was a Porygon!

I’ve seen Pokemon before but, normally they were common like Zigzagoon or Ledyba, along with the occasional Pidgeotto, but I’ve never seen a rare Pokemon up close like this. Now, the professors at my high school have been urging me to become a Pokemon trainer since I was a freshman but, nothing ever compelled me to become one. Well, low and behold, this moment did. I told Dreamie to run into the other room and grab the Pokeball that Mr. Kabutari gave to me as a gift in the beginning of the school year. Dreamie, in shock, nodded and dashed down the hallway to my room. I sat in complete awe looking at the Porygon. The Porygon tilted its head in confusion at me as if I shouldn’t be amazed to see a Pokemon this rare.

Finally, Dreamie came back holding the Pokeball between his teeth. I took it, said “Good boy, Dreamie!”, and got up from my chair and threw the ball at it. Wait! I almost forgot, you can’t just throw a Pokeball and expect to catch something, you have to battle! I didn’t have any Pokemon to battle with though, my father did. He used to be Homewood’s Gym leader and was a master of Fire-Type Pokemon. Again, I told Dreamie to dash to another room, this time my Dad’s, and pick up one of his Pokemon’s Pokeballs. Dreamie looked a little angry that I sent him to run a chore again but he did.

Then, just as I suspected the Porygon jumped out of its Pokeball and started to run around my house. Then, Dreamie came back with one of my dad’s Pokeball’s. Encrypted on the ball was the name, Rapidash…

I threw the ball and out popped the Rapidash. It knew me quite well and I knew it would listen to me.

“Rapidash, Use Fire Spin to trap that Porygon in place,” I commanded.

Rapidash nodded its head in approval and shot out a stream of flames that surrounded the little virtual Pokemon. Porygon cried out a little shriek and was soon engulfed by the fire. Then, to my surprise, the Porygon dashed out of the flames and shot a Thunderbolt straight at Rapidash. Rapidash was hit head-on! A soul flare erupted in it’s eyes as though it wasn’t going to let a wimpy little computer program get the best of him and ,without even me commanding it to, the Rapidash let out a powerful Fire Blast. The blast connected with Porygon and the newly-charred Pokemon fell to the ground. I looked at Dreamie and knew it was time. I let out a, “Pokeball, go!” and hit the Porygon. After a few shakes and rattles, the Pokeball closed shut and I picked it up with glee.

“I’ll call you Glitchy,” I said to the Pokeball. “You sure put up a fight for such a funny little Pokemon.” Little did I know that, “funny little Pokemon,” would spark the beginning of the rest of my life…

 

[Nintendo Theatre]

Come on? Are there any replies? Does anyone like this story? I mean, sorry to duble post but, I worked really hard on the first chapter and if no-one likes it I won't waste my time...

 

[The Great Butler]

It's a little......abstract. Not quite a human-gets-pulled-into-the-Pokémon-world fic, but it has shades of that. I like Porygon, so bonus points for using it.

It's a little short. That's my only problem with it. But you do deserve brownie points for crafting a neat little encounter with a Pokémon I like.

 

[Nintendo Theatre]

It's a little......abstract. Not quite a human-gets-pulled-into-the-Pokémon-world fic, but it has shades of that.

Actually, and I should have probably posted this earlier, it does take place in the Pokemon world. The only difference is that there are real animals too.

It's a little short. That's my only problem with it.

Fear not, that was only the 1st chapter and there are many, many more to come...

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

Hey, no need to get upset! A lack of reviews is natural, especially if you're not well known as a writer. All the same, please don't bump your thread to get reviews - there are less annoying ways to acheive the same goal. Like using the reviewer thread in the Author's Cafe. There's people posting here who are actually willing to review stories. If you find some people and send them polite, non-demanding PMs requesting that they review your work, your chances of getting reviews WITHOUT annoying people/seeming desperate will probably rise. Just don't EXPECT reviews.

As for your actual story, it looks like you've got a highly original and relatively well conveyed idea here. Spelling, grammar and punctuation seems tight - VERY well done! Mmm, formatting could use a bit of tweaking - new paragraphs for the speech would be nice. That is to say, please change sections like this,

I threw the ball and out popped the Rapidash. It knew me quite well and I knew it would listen to me. “Rapidash, Use Fire Spin to trap that Porygon in place,” I commanded. Rapidash nodded its head in approval and shot out a stream of flames that surrounded the little virtual Pokemon. Porygon cried out a little shriek and was soon engulfed by the fire. Then, to my surprise, the Porygon dashed out of the flames and shot a Thunderbolt straight at Rapidash. Rapidash was hit head-on! A soul flare erupted in it’s eyes as though it wasn’t going to let a wimpy little computer program get the best of him and ,without even me commanding it to, the Rapidash let out a powerful Fire Blast. The blast connected with Porygon and the newly-charred Pokemon fell to the ground. I looked at Dreamie and knew it was time. I let out a “Pokeball, go!” and hit the Porygon. After a few shakes and rattles, the Pokeball closed shut and I picked it up with glee. “I’ll call you Glitchy,” I said to the Pokeball, “You sure put up a fight for such a funny little Pokemon.” Little did I know that, “funny little Pokemon,” would spark the beginning of the rest of my life…

to this:

I threw the ball and out popped the Rapidash. It knew me quite well and I knew it would listen to me.

“Rapidash, Use Fire Spin to trap that Porygon in place,” I commanded.

Rapidash nodded its head in approval and shot out a stream of flames that surrounded the little virtual Pokemon. Porygon cried out a little shriek and was soon engulfed by the fire. Then, to my surprise, the Porygon dashed out of the flames and shot a Thunderbolt straight at Rapidash. Rapidash was hit head-on! A soul flare erupted in it’s eyes as though it wasn’t going to let a wimpy little computer program get the best of him and ,without even me commanding it to, the Rapidash let out a powerful Fire Blast. The blast connected with Porygon and the newly-charred Pokemon fell to the ground. I looked at Dreamie and knew it was time. I let out a, “Pokeball, go!” and hit the Porygon. After a few shakes and rattles, the Pokeball closed shut and I picked it up with glee.

“I’ll call you Glitchy,” I said to the Pokeball. “You sure put up a fight for such a funny little Pokemon.”

Little did I know that, “funny little Pokemon,” would spark the beginning of the rest of my life…

Does that make sense? Tell me if I'm being unclear here. And please do do this. Breaking up your chunks of text will make your story look lighter on the page and be easier for readers to read. And since readers often ignore/complain about stuff that's hard to read, it's adviseable to keep your story as reader-friendly as possible. ^^

Mmm, as for the content, as I mentioned before, you've got a highly original idea here. There's just a few points that don't hang together properly. What sort of creature is Dreamie? Is he a regular dog or is he a pokemon? If he's a regular dog, does that mean there are 'normal animals' in the pokemon world?

Also, did this whole scene take place in your main character's room/house? Or was the computer somewhere else? Cause if he was indoors, what was s/he THINKING in letting a large fire type loose in a confined place? And even if he did use Rapidash, surely he'd tell it to use non-fire attacks so as not to fry the furniture? Come to think of it, why isn't the room on fire? Mebbe try to focus on the whole scene, not just the relevant parts of it. More description can help - perhaps tell your readers what the scenery and behaviour of the pokemon is like.

And that reminds me of another point - characterisation. So far, I'm quite impressed with the way you didn't have Rapidash (a high powered pokemon that didn't even belong to your character) automatically obeying. The little nod helped to show that it had a mind of its own. In my opinion, that's really important. Too often, stories have pokemon functioning as mindless drones of the trainers who need to order every attack - but you've avoided this. My congratulations to you! Actually, if anything, I suggest you work on the reactions of your human characters. "I flew out of my chair! I couldn’t believe my eyes!" doesn't really lend itself to realistic human action. Mebbe lose some of the exclamation marks and delve deeper into your character's reactions? Still, there ARE bits of human characterisation here that were awesome. The 'glee' thing really captures the moment of a capture. Nice! ^^

Overall, I'd say you've got some huge potential here. So please do put this lovely beginning to good use. Remember to draw the pace back a bit. Description can help there. But so far, slick work! And don't worry about lack of reviews. Try the Reviewer thread. Oh, and remember that reviewers won't automatically know/notice when your story has been updated, so perhaps send them an alerting PM?

If you want anything in this review expanded upon/explained or if you want anything else in your story commented on/critiqued, let me know! Good luck and fun to you!

Piney.
;204;;324;

 

[Nintendo Theatre]

Chapter 2:
A First Time for Everything

The following day at school, I showed off my new Pokemon to my Pokemon Training 101 class. Most of my friends had never seen a rare Pokemon like Porygon before.

“Wow! That’s a really neat Pokemon, Roger!” exclaimed one of my classmates, “Where did you find it?”

“Well,” I began to tell my story, “I was searching on my laptop for new information on an upcoming Pokemon AG episode when suddenly, my little Porygon here popped out of the computer screen. I caught him, but he didn't go down without a good fight. Oh by the way, his name’s Glitchy.”

Glitchy glanced up at me and stuck his chest out a little. He seemed proud of the fact that he was able to put up a good fight against my Dad’s Rapidash. Either that, or he was proud of his new name.

Then, among all of the hustle and bustle came my teacher, Mr. Kabutari. He was a short fellow, no taller than a large Primeape, and always wore green sunglasses with a Wurmple-shaped tie.

“My, my, Roger,” Mr. Kabutari exclaimed, “For someone who seemed to have no experience training Pokemon before, I must say I am quite impressed. It takes quite a bit of skill to catch a Porygon!”

But, before I could say “Thanks” came a voice from the back of the classroom.

“Humph, he didn’t catch it using skill. I can guarantee you that…”

Glitchy and I looked back and saw that the boy making fun of me was none other than John Vanorr. You see, John was in the top of our class and figured since he was able to overcome my father in a gym battle, he must be the greatest trainer of all time. Yeah right…

“Hey, John,” I replied, “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is and battle Glitchy here?” Glitchy nodded in agreement and was willing to take on anything that came his way.

“Roger,” Mr. Kabutari exclaimed, “That is not a good idea. You’ve only had your Pokemon for a day and you probably don’t know any of its special techni-“

“No, I’ll handle this Mr. K,” I said back to him, “Glitchy really seems determined to fight.”

“Fine then, the match will be a 1 vs. 1!” exclaimed Mr. Kabutari, “Which Pokemon are you using John?”

“I think you know perfectly well who I’m using Mr. K…” smirked John as he threw a Pokeball from his belt, “Dunsparce, go!”

Glitchy looked in amazement at the land snake Pokemon and sent over a warning glare. The Dunsparce sent one back. Nothing was going to stop these two from fighting.

“Porygon, err…I mean Glitchy vs. Dunsparce,” yelled Mr. K, “Let the battle begin!”

As soon as Glitchy heard the word begin, he sent over a magnificent Thunderbolt attack. Problem was, I didn’t command him to do that. “Ha,” said John, “As expected from a Porygon user…Dunsparce counter it with a Shock Wave attack!” Dunsparce nodded back to John and did just as he was told. Both lighting bolts clashed in the air and canceled out each other’s attack. “Now, Dunsparce, Water Pulse!” A burst of cold water flew out of Dunsparce’s mouth like a fountain and was aiming right toward Glitchy. Glitchy stood its ground and sent out an Ice Beam assault to freeze the water.

“ICE BEAM!” both John and I yelled in shock and awe. I didn’t know Porygons could posses such power but, now that I knew, I was going to milk this attack to the fullest. “Glitchy, use Ice Beam on Dunsparce!” Glitchy let out a little laugh and then shot out a barrage of ice cold beams, one of which hit Dunsparce directly.

“Dunsparce,” John cried out, “You aren’t going to lose to this creep and his computer glitch are you?” But before Dunsparce could even say its name, the battle was over. Ice Beam froze Dunsparce directly in place.

“The winner, to my surprise,” Mr. K announced, “Is Roger and his Porygon, Glitchy!”

This day, March 27th, 2006 would forever be burned in my memory as the day I not only had my first Pokemon Battle, but also the day Glitchy and I beat that stuck-up John Vanorr to the pulp. Hehehe…

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

Hmm. Interesting. Since Ice Beam and Thunderbolt aren't attacks that Porygon learns naturally... where did it learn them? VERY intriguing. Eh, anyway, I liked this chapter apart from a few little things.

Firstly, you're still doing that paragraphing thing! I think new speech is supposed to go on a new line and be separated from other text. So spots like

“Well,” I began to tell my story, “I was searching on my laptop for new information on an upcoming Pokemon AG episode when suddenly, my little Porygon here popped out of the computer screen. I caught him, but he didn't go down without a good fight. Oh by the way, his name’s Glitchy.” Glitchy glanced up at me and stuck his chest out a little. He seemed proud of the fact that he was able to put up a good fight against my Dad’s Rapidash. Either that, or he was proud of his new name.

Then, among all of the hustle and bustle came my teacher, Mr. Kabutari. He was a short fellow, no taller than a large Primeape, and always wore green sunglasses with a Wurmple-shaped tie. “My, my, Roger,” Mr. Kabutari exclaimed, “For someone who seemed to have no experience training Pokemon before, I must say I am quite impressed. It takes quite a bit of skill to catch a Porygon!” But, before I could say “Thanks” came a voice from the back of the classroom.

should probably go more like

“Well,” I began to tell my story, “I was searching on my laptop for new information on an upcoming Pokemon AG episode when suddenly, my little Porygon here popped out of the computer screen. I caught him, but he didn't go down without a good fight. Oh by the way, his name’s Glitchy.”

Glitchy glanced up at me and stuck his chest out a little. He seemed proud of the fact that he was able to put up a good fight against my Dad’s Rapidash. Either that, or he was proud of his new name.

Then, among all of the hustle and bustle came my teacher, Mr. Kabutari. He was a short fellow, no taller than a large Primeape, and always wore green sunglasses with a Wurmple-shaped tie.

“My, my, Roger,” Mr. Kabutari exclaimed, “For someone who seemed to have no experience training Pokemon before, I must say I am quite impressed. It takes quite a bit of skill to catch a Porygon!”

But, before I could say “Thanks” came a voice from the back of the classroom.

Please do that! It's not so annoying at the moment because the chapter length isn't that long. But if you do increase the size of your chapters, having solid text like that could make things really hard on your readers.

Also... how come there was time for John to recognise the Thunderbolt attack, talk about it, tell his pokemon to counter it and then for Dunsparce to nod and block it? Isn't electricity supposed to be really fast? And in a small area like a classroom, the distance it would have had to trave would have been really small. Possibly, the timeframe doesn't hold together so well there. And still on the topic of the battle, why didn't Dunsparce attack without being told to? If it was getting attacked, wouldn't it retaliate or try to defend itself?

Eh, I liked the characterisation in this chapter! You've got a knack, it seems, for showing that pokemon have minds of their own even when they're obeying their trainers.

Glitchy glanced up at me and stuck his chest out a little. He seemed proud of the fact that he was able to put up a good fight against my Dad’s Rapidash. Either that, or he was proud of his new name.

Awesome to see a pokemon expressing its OWN opinions and feelings. ^^ Slick work.

Hmm... might've been nice to see exactly WHY Porygon is obeying Roger. For such an opinionated little creature, it's almost surprising to see it being so obedient - even if it IS in its own sweet way. Which brings me to say that the 'attacking before told to thing' really helps to define Porygon's personality while making Roger seem more like the inexperienced trainer he is. ^^ Smooth.

So, yah, overall, smooth work. ^^ Congratulations! Keep up the good work! And, as always, if you want anything else in this review expanded upon/explained or if you want anything else in your story commented on, let me know!

Good luck and fun to you!

Piney
;204;;324;

 

[Nintendo Theatre]

Hmm. Interesting. Since Ice Beam and Thunderbolt aren't attacks that Porygon learns naturally, where did it learn them? VERY intriguing...why didn't Dunsparce attack without being told to? If it was getting attacked, wouldn't it retaliate or try to defend itself?

First off, I want to say thank you for the help you've been giving me recently, and here's some answers to your critiques:

1. About where Porygon learned the attacks, that is something I actually had planned for an upcoming chapter so keep reading!

2. The reason Dunsparce didn't immeadiatly attack was to show that it was a "mindless drone" Pokemon. It would only listen its trainer and would rarely attack on instinct. That extreme obdience is the reason that John lost the match.

Chapter 3 will be up very soon! STAY TUNED!

 

[The Great Butler]

Interesting to say the least. Even though it's a bit cliché I like it when the arrogant snob gets put in his place, even more when it's decisively like it was here.

I'm looking forward to the backstory of Glitchy.

 

[Silent Conversation]

I have to say, this is a pretty good fan - fic! It's very original and I already can't wait to read Chapter 3!

I just have 1 suggestion: Make your chapters longer. While I was reading, I realized that the chapters are a little too short!

Well, anyways, this is an amazing story and I really hope that you continue it!

From: Lucario Lover
;rukario;