Nick's quest in unova

[*PKMN Trainer Paddy*]

Hi guys, this is my first fan fic so if any thing is wrong tell me i have read the rules and will abide by them so here goes.

Prologue
For generations people and pokemon have lived, worked, battled and played together.
The traditional setup is that a trainer, who begins on their tenth birthday, meets the local professor, then receives their starter, travels the region, meets every pokemon in the pokedex, catches some, makes friends, has a rival, defeats gyms dotted around the map, defeats the evil team, defeats the league and challenges the champion as the ultimate shot at glory, to become a pokemon master. That is an ordinary journey, but Nick is a little different, he will do this too, but will face many challenges on his way and meet many people....

 

[はるひ]

I'd say add more to the prologue. It feels like your stating everything we know about trainer fics here. 10yr old kid goes on journey blah blah, fill pokedex, battle gym leaders, they make new friends, have a rival etc. I would like to see like a little bit of how this particular journey is going to be different than the rest.

 

[*PKMN Trainer Paddy*]

I'll probably have chapter 1 up tomorrow, but the prologue i wrote was just to build suspense and give a little background, the difference will be revealed as the story commences

 

[Chibi_Muffin]

I agree with Gothitelle here. This feels like more of a summary than a prologue. It also doesn't really give much of a background, as it just tells us everything we know about Pokemon already. I think what you could have done is introduce us to Nick, and maybe his opinions on his upcoming journey. That way, we could learn that it is going to be different, but in a way that is more interesting and makes us as the readers learn more i.e. about what kind of a person Nick is.

 

[Tigereye13]

As has been stated before, this is really sounding more like a summary than a prologue. What we are being told is something that most people that will be reading this will already know (do to either playing the games, watching the anime, or reading one of the many mangas out there).

The purpose of a prologue is to help draw in potential readers. This is your first impression as a writer to us and should be used to help set the tone or introduce us to characters of the story. What is it about Nick that will make him different than other trainers? Maybe you could give us some of his back story here (such as his family, any major events as a kid, a bit of his personality, or something else to try to help hook the reader). You could try to set the tone of the story instead if you don't really want to talk about Nick at this point. Maybe let us know what else is going in Unova, foreshadow obstacles that Nick will face, or introduce events that he might want to go to (such as the new movies). But from this, all I'm getting is it will be a generic trainer journey with some changes and your character as the star.

 

[*PKMN Trainer Paddy*]

Introduction (PG)
Nick was a boy whose 13th birthday had just passed, he was feeling tired after the long night's partying before. Nick was going to receive his starter pokemon today from Professor Juniper, he was excited although nervous, because he was beginning his pokemon journey. He lived in Nuvema town in unova, he lived with his loving mother.
He had grown up with a love for all pokemon. Once his tenth birthday came around his mother was anxious, she refused to let him start his journey. Nick was not pleased, but his mother had reason. Because long before Nick was born, his father travelled the unova region, defeated gyms and became champion, this was the last Nicks mom ever heard from him. Some say he went to challenge the league in a faraway region, but that is a mystery, a mysterious mystery.....
Also beginning his journey today is Nicks best friend Dan. Nick was always a modest character, who took glory without boasting about it. But Dan was different, he was a cocky character, used to winning and likes to make fun of those who he defeated.
So two different characters, different motives, but, the exact same aim, to become a pokemon master....

 

[*PKMN Trainer Paddy*]

Ok i have alot of time on my hands today....
Chapter 1 - Early morning beginning
(Story is told in Nick perspective)
I woke up, after a long night of partying with friends and family. Oh yea it was my thirteenth birthday, and my Mom finally decided to let me begin my pokemon journey, she was anxious at first, because my father done the same, he travelled and defeated gyms, eventually becoming champion of Unova, this wasn't enough though, he sailed for a faraway region to train and win. Oh! Mom's looking me downstairs, so i'll get dressed.
Mom:Good morning Nick, the professor said she's coming over here to give you your pokemon

Me: Oh, cool, did you tell Dan, you know he likes to be in the know?

Mom: Of course, that boy, he's crazy, i told him last night

Knock Knock

Dan: I'm here, hey Nick, hey Lara! Im the pokemon master!!!

Mom : Hello, Dan sit down have some toast

Me: Hey Dan you excited?

Dan: You bet, i'm gonna beat you today and become champ, loser.

I rolled my eyes at Dan and ate my toast, I don't like Dans attitude, he gets on my nerves, alot. There was another knock on the door, Mom opened it, it wasn't who I expected, but i knew who it was. It was Cedric Juniper, father of the professor Juniper. He had three pokeballs

Cedric: Hello Lara, do we have two young trainers here?

Mom: I dunno, I have two cheecky boys, who ate a loaf of toast

Cedric: Hello, Dan and Nick, I am Cedric Juniper, i have come bearing good and bad news, good news is you will be starting your journeys today, bad news is the professor is missing! She disappeared this morning while i was out, i need your help, normally i give you pokedex and either tepig, oshawott or snivy, but today i also carry a favour, we must find my beloved daughter, which do you choose (releases the starter pokemon) and will you help me?

Dan: Whatever, gimme the snake, i'll help, i guess

Me: Mom what do you say? (She nodded) Ok i'm gonna take Tepig, please

Tepig: Tepig!

Cedric: Thank you boys, i appreciate your help, i must be getting back, my assistant Bianca will tell you anything you need during your journey through your C-gears. Ok I'll be off.

Mom: Good luck, you'll need it, heres a new bicycle for each of you, for your journey.

Me: Thanks mom, hey Dan, lets battle in the garden, ehh tepig?

Tepig: Tepig!!!!

Dan: Lets go!!!

Me: Tepig use ember !

Dan: Snivy, glare!

Me: Oh no tepig! You're paralyzed! Use protect

Dan: Snivy razor leaf!

Me: Tepig use your energy in a great big ember!

Dan: Snivy put yours into razor leaf!!!

A massive flash covers the area, i was worried about tepig, asthe light ceased both pokemon were unconscious.

Me:Tepig, are you ok, I'll heal you, good battle dan.

Dan: Stupid snake, stop sleeping, uhhh you got real lucky man, i'm going home.

Dan left, i held tepig in my arms, he'll be fine, all great trainers face this i took him home.

Mom: Ohh, tepig must have battled hard. I'll heal him

Me: Thanks mom

Tepig: Tepig, tepig, tepig! (boastfully)

Mom: Goodbye Nick and tepig, stay safe, I wonder where you'll go and what pokemon you'll meet, but that doesn't matter. Be sure to call, i'll miss you.

Mom kissed me and hugged me, I left for route one. Me and tepig, all alone, in a big world....

 

[*PKMN Trainer Paddy*]

Chapter 2 - A fatal encounter, in two ways...

We were heading for Striaton City, the destination of my fist gym battle. When i say we, i mean me, I'm Nick and Tepig who i had received this morning. My friend Dan is also on his travels, he ditched me though. Tepig was getting stronger - I could tell it. He was funny in the way he acted although his nature was very adamant, he knows what he wants of course.
I was near the entrance gate to Accumala town, the first pit stop in my journey. There weren't many other trainers, thus far any way. I entered Accumala town, and was greated by two skinny men in costumes like spacemen.

Man 1: So kid, are you here to witness and join the uprise of team Plasma?

Me: Who are team Plasma?

Tepig: Tepig! Tepig?

Man 2: I can tell your tepig is sad, it wants to be free. And team plasma, we are fighting, fighting for pokemon freedom.

Me: Tepig is happy where he is. And I don't want to join the RSPCA thanks.

Man 1: You leave me no choice, purrloin attack!

Man 2: Yeah, go purrloin!

???: Leave him alone, wartortle, use surf.

A torrent of water shot at the duo of purrloin. I made a grab for tepig because i was unsure if this attack was friend or foe.

Man 1: Ahhh!!!

Man 2: Ahhh!!! Run away!!

Me: Hey, dude, why did you help me like that? Thanks

???: No problem, stay away from anyone in that uniform, they mean danger. Any way I'm Rio, a pokemon ace trainer.

Me: Hi Rio, thanks alot, I knew they were bad news. But that pokemon, I haven't seen it before. What is it?

Rio: Thats my Wartortle, I came from Kanto, its the evolution of Squirtle, one of the native starters. I moved to Unova with my parents, I've been here a year and never had the opportunity to continue the journey I begun in Kanto.

Me: Cool. I started my journey earlier today. This is my starter pokemon, Tepig.

Tepig: Tepig!

Me: I'm travelling the region, collecting badges while trying to find Nuvema town's Professor Juniper.

Rio: Sounds like your gonna need some help, I saw more plasma grunts, they were herassing a woman in a white coat, she was forced into the back of a van and they drove off...

Me: Yes! That's probably her! Could I ask a favour, Rio, will you come on my pokemon journey with me?

Rio: Sure! No prob, I've been waiting to get back on the road! I help you on your quest. I'm gonna bring Wartortle and my Sycther with me, I feel very concerned about plasma...

Me: Lets head for Striaton gym!

So off we went, me and Rio, heading for Striaton gym. I am hoping to add to my team before then, Tepig doesn't like being a loner. Me and Rio are good friends now, but I cannot get distracted from my goal. Becoming a pokemon master!
To be continued....

 

[Sabconth]

After reading everything you've written so far, I can safely say my favorite part about this story is the banner you're using to promote it by Luxray master.

Sorry to be so blunt, but this isn't really good.

You say you've read the rules and want to abide by them. That's great, but I'm not sure you read them thoroughly enough.

To start, your chapters are quite short; I copy and pasted each chapter into a word processor and neither reached the minimum requirement of two pages. Especially in regards to the second chapter.

The other big problem is that your dialogue is written in script form. Yet your chapters, taken as a whole, aren't really written as pages from a script.

A script should contain information about the setting and mood. It should also describe the characters expressions and their actions.

Your story does none of these.

In the Fan Fiction Rules thread you can find an example of how a script should look like written by Psychic. It's hidden inside a spoiler, just click the spoiler tab to open it up.

With my initial thoughts out of the way, here's where I'll do a more in depth review of some of the parts that stood out most prominently.

First up from your introduction;

...but that is a mystery, a mysterious mystery.....

Sounds mysterious.

But seriously, if you tell us that Nick's dad simply vanished and was never seen or heard from again, we'll understand that it's a mystery on our own. Don't tell us, show us.

Oh! Mom's looking me.

I think you mean she's looking 'for' him.

But how would Nick know she's looking for him? Did she call up to him? If so just say his mother called him.

Mom:Good morning Nick, the professor said she's coming over here to give you your pokemon

Me: Oh, cool, did you tell Dan, you know he likes to be in the know?

Mom: Of course, that boy, he's crazy, i told him last night

I've several issues with this snippet of conversation.

So the mother told Dan last night that the professor would be coming over tomorrow to give them their pokemon, unconventional, but ok.

Then why didn't she tell Nick last night as well? He is her son, I'd think he'd come first.

More to the point, why didn't the professor tell the boy's directly?

Also, what does Nick mean by saying Dan 'likes to be in the know'???

Wouldn't anyone who's about to start a pokemon journey want to know when they're getting their very first pokemon? Isn't that just common sense?

Dan: You bet, i'm gonna beat you today and become champ, loser.

This is supposed to be Nick's best friend, right?

You do mention it in the introduction, but to me, this is not how a best friend, or even a casual friend, would act.

Mom: I dunno, I have two cheecky boys, who ate a loaf of toast.

HOLY MOLY! A whole loaf! And after a long night of partying too?

It didn't even seem like much time had passed between Nick coming downstairs, Dan arriving and then Cedric showing up.

Cheeky is also spelled wrong but... A WHOLE LOAF!? HOW???

Cedric: Hello, Dan and Nick, I am Cedric Juniper, i have come bearing good and bad news, good news is you will be starting your journeys today, bad news is the professor is missing! She disappeared this morning while i was out, i need your help, normally i give you pokedex and either tepig, oshawott or snivy, but today i also carry a favour, we must find my beloved daughter, which do you choose (releases the starter pokemon) and will you help me?

Cedric is far too calm for someone who's daughter has just gone missing. He should be distraught, or at the very least worried.

Shouldn't Cedric have waited to hear if they would help him before he released the pokemon?

Because if they'd said no, that would have been pretty awkward.

And shouldn't Cedric be going with them? They are inexperienced and there is an extra pokemon available. I think he'd want to do everything he could to locate his daughter.

Mom: Good luck, you'll need it, heres a new bicycle for each of you, for your journey.

Why is Nick's mom giving both of them a bike?

Her son I can understand, even if it does seem unfair since none of the other trainers got a bike so early, but Dan isn't her son. Why should he get one too?

Me: Thanks mom, hey Dan, lets battle in the garden, ehh tepig?

Uh, isn't Nick meant to be looking for someone right now? Is a battle really such a good idea at a time like this? It'll waste valuable minutes, possible even hours if either of their pokemon get hurt.

Also, between Nick's constant need of approval from his mother, to these sudden moments of stupidity and selfishness, I really don't like the guy.

More so than Dan even, and that's saying something.

Mom: Goodbye Nick and tepig, stay safe, I wonder where you'll go and what pokemon you'll meet, but that doesn't matter. Be sure to call, i'll miss you.

I can see what you were trying to go for. You wanted to convey that the mother didn't want to say goodbye and was stopping herself from keeping him from leaving.

But this line doesn't work, it sounds like she's being too flippant. It's out of character.

Tepig was getting stronger - I could tell it.

How could he tell? Did they participate in many wild pokemon battles along the way? Did they meet other trainers?

Me: Tepig is happy where he is. And I don't want to join the RSPCA thanks.

Using the RSPCA, a real world group, and applying it to a fictional setting is quite jarring. If this was supposed to be a joke it didn't work.

If your story was intended to be a parody however it might fit better.

???: Leave him alone, wartortle, use surf.

Again, if this were a script you'd have described the unknown speaker by his tone of voice, or what he was wearing. Using '???' comes off as lazy.

Even if Nick was blindfolded or in pitch darkness there'd still be ways to describe the voice without resorting to question marks.

Man 1: Ahhh!!!

Man 2: Ahhh!!! Run away!!

Are you sure this isn't supposed to be a parody?

Because if you intended Team Plasma to be a threat, having them run from a single pokemon move, a weak water one at that, is incredibly unhelpful.

Rio: I've been here a year and never had the opportunity to continue the journey I begun in Kanto.

Me: Cool.

No. Not 'cool.' A better, more human reaction would be 'oh' or 'That sucks'

This just makes Nick even more unlikeable.

I ask a favour, Rio, will you come on my pokemon journey with me?

Rio: Sure!

If Rio can spontaneously agree to join a complete stranger on a pokemon journey, what's been stopping him from from going on his own?

If he'd JUST arrived in Unova then I'd understand, but he's been there over a year, what was he waiting for?

Before I wrap up I should point out you've formatted your story correctly even though you failed to put full stops at the end of many sentences. The i's should also be capitalized, it looks more professional and neat.

Look, I think it's great you had the determination and courage to post your story online. Most writers don't even get that far, so I've got a huge amount of respect for what you did.

But you really need a lot more practice.

The best tip I can give you is to read more. Not just books, but other fan fics, magazine articles, pamphlets, anything you can get your hands on.

Take care and good luck.

 

[bobandbill]

I think that sums it up quite well there, Sabconth.

As such, I will close this as it dosn't actually follow the fanfiction rules fully; as said it doesn't reach the length limits and it needs a fair bit of work to meet the standards we want for script fics (or fics in general for that matter). Take the time to write it, and make sure to show the reader what is happening. Describe the setting, how people say things, how they do things/react to events, etc. Basically consider how you would see it if you were right there watching the play/whatnot, and include those details in the script itself. Otherwise readers just get left in the dark or have only vague statements to go on.