Night Avenger - The Fic

[Night Avenger]

OK this is some kind of superhero fic, I'll make my best effort, so please don't close it, I already have a lot of closed fics Well, post your comments

Prologue​

It was a time of war in Jaken, the south neighbor region to Kanto. Kanto had only one reason to attack the region; their mines, the silver and gold mines at Jaken where huge and almost everywhere in the region, but Kanto didn’t have anything, also they thought that half the region was theirs. The Kanto troops had already moved to the capital of Jaken, Azuline City, and had been attacking several towns.

The Kanto army was conformed by four different Pokémon species that together could be deadly: Rhydon for heavy attacks, Raichu for fast assaults, Charizard for the air force and Gyarados for marine combat. These pokémon were trained to destroy anything that they spotted, except Pokémon. They could attack them if they were attacked first, but if not, it was forbidden for them to injure pokémon. If they saw a town or city, they quickly hurried to attack it. No one was safe on Jaken.

Lieutenant Surge commanded the Raichu army; general Giovanni led the Rhydon army. These were the two army leaders who were famous for their work, the first one for being a good, honorable soldier; and the other one for his cruel and merciless attitude.

The people were terrified, some waited patiently at home to surrender to the Kanto army, hoping that like this they would be saved; some moved to Hoenn, Johto or just ran from the capital to their hometowns. Others... Others didn't even know about the war, the region had really low mass media. One of the people who ran from the capital to their hometowns was Scott. He traveled all the way to Silverlake Town, hoping that the war would stop before reaching him and his family. His family was his wife, Mary, and their twelve year old son, Santiago. Scott had to keep the war as a secret since no one in town knew about it. "It is for their own good." he thought.

 

[.:Ultimate Shroomish:.]

that was short but good ^__^

 

[Literate]

I feel like quoting everything now.

OK this is some kind of superheroe fic, I'll make my best effort, so please don't close it, I already have a lot of closed fics

You can start with spacing the paragraphs out. Click Enter twice when finishing a paragraph. So yeah...

If you wanna see what will be Night Avenger's Team, look at my signature; if you want to wait till it's revealed, don't look at it

It would be hard to look at it if you have it in your sig and in every single post.

It was a time of war in Jaken, the neighbor region to Kanto.

Connected where actually? Johto is west of Kanto. So where? North, east, or south?

Kanto had only one reason to attack the region; their mines, the silver and gold mines at Jaken where huge and almost everywhere in the region, but Kanto didn’t have anyone.

So it was out of pure jealousy and spite that Kanto attacked it? And I think the last word would be better as "anything." It has moonstones if you didn't know.

The Kanto troops had already moved to the capital of Jaken and had been attacking several towns.

You can flesh it out a bit. A simple way to do that is answering the question, "What is the name of the capital?" Just curious. And you can tell if it had a lot of people or not.

The Kanto army was conformed by four different Pokémon species that together could be deadly: Rhydons for heavy attacks, Raichus for fast assaults, Charizards for air combat and Gyarados for marine combat.

Nice varying in the pokemon. But you used "combat" twice. You can switch one into "force" it'd sound more professional than repeating two words again. And spoiling the description of the attacks they use.

These pokémon were trained to destroy anything that they spotted, except Pokémon.

Nice. You can put an accented 'e'. >.> <.< How do you do that? I don't know the code...

They could attack them if they weren't attacked first, but if not, it was forbidden for them to injure pokémon.

I seriously know what you were talking about but it didn't sound right so... that'd be better.

If they saw a town or city, they quickly hurried to attack it; no one was safe on Jaken.

Looks like you used a semicolon. BUT, you used it the wrong way. Semicolons are like a comma and a period, as seen, except that ';' separates a similar sentence yet couldn't be connected in that way. Or something. So this is relevant to the paragraph and it can be a stand alone peroid.


Okay. So I'm done with reviewing two of the three paragraphs. I don't know but the last paragraph doesn't seem to belong there.

I don't know. I'm tired. Okay, then I'll see what you can do to improve this. ^o^

~PEACE~

 

[Astinus]

The code is Alt + 0233. I use it all the time, so it's just second nature.

A problem Literate missed:

This were the two army leaders who were famous for their work, the first one for being a good, honorable soldier;

Should be "these."

This could be fleshed out a bit more. Like, the really narrow reason for Kanto attaking Jaken. Unless you don't want to add in the fact that they could trade resources? oO

How could a region not know about a war? If it was a full scale war happening, it would be breaking news and what-not. And what is Scott's reasoning to not tell of the war? Wouldn't he want to stop a full massacre to hapening in town? At least by having the town prepared?

Also, the plural of "Pokémon" is "Pokémon." You don't make plurals of Pokémon names by adding s's.

It's kind of difficult to not see your sig when your prologue fills up half my screen. Just to let you know.

And your stories wouldn't be closed if you had decent spelling and grammar. Much like literate said, hit Enter twice after each paragraph. And I noticed that in your Author Note, you spelled "superhero" wrong. Just to let you know.

 

[Night Avenger]

OK I've corrected it thanks

 

[Literate]

The code is Alt + 0233. I use it all the time, so it's just second nature.

Do you press down all of them or just hit each once and let go? Do you have to do the + sign or not? I'm confused. @-@


Okay, well, that is better. But you could redo the last paragraph. You could make the sentences a bit different.

Wait, I just saw something.

Kanto had only one reason to attack the region; their mines, the silver and gold mines at Jaken where huge and almost everywhere in the region, but Kanto didn’t have anything, and they also thought that half the region was theirs.

Halve is a verb if you didn't know. Half is a noun, I think. Or you could just divide this sentence into two right at the italicked comma.

Lieutenant Surge commanded the Raichu army; general Giovanni commanded the Rhydon army.

Something easy to remember is that it doesn't sound like you have any effort in the story if you use the same words two times in a sentence. So use the theasaurus to find a synonym for "commanded." And then replace one with the word you found.
See that semicolon? Semicolons are like a comma and a period, as seen, except that ';' separates a similar sentence yet couldn't be connected with a comma. So yeah...

hometowns. others...

But overuse of semicolons can be a problem. Like the overuse of commas. Besides you can delete "others" as you already started a new sentence with it. And you don't need it.

He traveled all the way to Silverlake Town, hoping that the war would stop before reaching him and his family. His family was his wife, Mary, and their twelve year old son, Santiago. Scott had to keep the war as a secret since no one on town knew about it. "That will be for their own good." he thought.

Well, first, where is Silverlake Town? In the mountains? The ponds? The lakes? Near the shore? You might want to put where it is. Johto? Hoenn? In a made up region?
The italicked part is somewhat weird sounding. Just to let you know. I don't know what is wrong with it though.
Switch his with their because it is also Mary's son too.
The underlined words can be switched with "It is." 'Cause if you leave it at that... It wouldn't sound right. Yeah.
Do I have to point out that you used family twice very near each other? But I don't really know how to fix that. >.>

~PEACE~

 

[Night Avenger]

OK changed it but also, I've put that Silverlake is in Jaken a neighbor region to Kanto.

 

[Astinus]

You hit "Alt-0-2-3-3" without the dashes. It also helps if you do it on the ten-key number pad. Also, just find it on the character map...it helps if you are using Windows, as that is what I use... Any other problems with it that may arise can be asked to me in a PM, because it might be too difficult for you to understand. XD

Found something else! (What is this? A contest?)

Scott had to keep the war as a secret since no one on town knew about it.

Should be "in."

Well, I liked the fact that you spaced out the paragraphs. Just keep listening to the advice that we give you, and you should improve.

¬¬ (Betcha you can't do that either, Literate! xP)

 

[Night Avenger]

Well thanks now:

Chapter 1
The Beginning ​

It was night time, and Santiago had been playing outside with the pokedoll that his father had bought for him in the capital. It was a Houndour doll, and looked just like an exact duplicate of the real thing, only smaller and cuter, it's nickname was Hound. And of course without any attacks. But with his imagination, Santiago was having an impressive battle....

"Houndour, flamethrower!" he called out as he pointed at a little stick with leaves in front of him and the doll, sticking into the ground a little to stand without asistance. He waited a few seconds before shouting out: "Sudowoodo fainted! We did it!" he exclaimed while scooping the doll up and throwing it into the air in glee before catching it in his arms, still grinning.

"Santiago, come here! Dinner's ready!" Santiago's mother shouted out to her son as he played with his newest toy. "Ok, I'm coming!" Santiago called back as he brushed dirt off himself before looking up towards the sky.

His house was on a hill next to the town, his father had said that some mountain air would make him and his mother feel better. From his house he could see the town's lights at night. But now it was all different. The sky was on fire, sparkling lights filled the city and shining waves were coming from the lake. He saw a building fall.
"Don!" was heard from the city.
"Mom, dad! Look at this! Something is going on at the city!" cried Santiago. His parents appeared. His dad was paper white. His mother was starting to get worried.
"What is it Scott? You know what it is! I can see it in your expression! Tell me!" said Santiago's mom starting to cry.
"Santiago, pack your things up." said his dad in a low voice. Santiago ran into the house and took some clothes and his Houndour doll. Outside his mother was waiting for him with some snacks and apples.
"Take these with you." she said sobbing.
"Now, run into the woods! We'll be with you in a second!" said his father as the line of sparks started to climb the hill.

Santiago ran deep into the forest crying. He noticed that something was going wrong when he saw his mother crying and knew that his dad was lying when he told him that they would meet. He kept running. A scream was heard. Santiago started to cry and tripped with a rock. His doll fell into the river.
"No! Hound! Come back!" he said as he fell on the grass. He lied there, crying for hours. All the bad luck was on him. He had lost his family, his town and his only friend, his doll. "Why? Why?!" he cried. He heard footsteps in the grass around him.

“Who’s there?” he asked. No one answered. “Who’s there?!” he asked again. A Houndour appeared from behind a tree and smell his backpack.
“Houn!” he said smelling it.
“What? Do you want something to eat?” he asked taking some cookies from his backpack. He threw one into the air. The Houndour jumped to catch it. He laughed. He threw another one; it fell in Houndour’s back. The little dog pokémon tried to bite it as he spinned. Santiago ate all the cookies left.
“Houn! Houndour!” said Houndour as he smelt the cookie’s bag. It was empty so he left. Santiago remembered his doll and this pokémon, they were the same. Then he heard some footsteps again.
“Hound? Are you there?” he asked happily.
"Rai!" he heard as a response. He then saw some sparks in the bushes.
He stood up as a Raichu jumped from the bushes. It was a reddish orange Raichu. His tail turned metal shining and cut the tree behind Santiago. Sparks jumped from his cheeks. Santiago was waiting for the Raichu’s next attack. He was waiting for his end.

Suddenly a fire ball came flying from behind him. It was Houndour who had been guarding his new friend.
“Houn houn!” he said looking at Santiago. “Oooour!”
He jumped on Raichu and bit him on the tail. The Raichu started wagging it and whipping the trees but Houndour didn’t let go. Suddenly Houndour started flying and hit a tree. He fainted. Raichu approached him to be sure that he had fainted when Houndour jumped on his face. A Faint Attack. The Raichu fell to the floor. Then he stood up. Houndour growled at him and wagged his tail as he saw him run.
“Thanks!” said Santiago as he got prepared to sleep. The Houndour run to his side and sat there. “Good night Hound.” said Santiago as he closed his eyes.

 

[Yami Ryu]

Stacking scentences to create 'paragraphs' is a no no :/ Also with a bit of re-wording.... and working. And effort. And time :/

It was night time, and Santiago had been playing outside with the pokedoll that his father had bought for him in the capital. It was a Houndour doll, and looked just like an exact duplicate of the real thing, only smaller and cuter. And of course without any attacks. But with his imagination, Santiago was having an impressive battle....

"Houndour, flamethrower!" he called out as he pointed at a little stick with leaves in front of him and the doll, sticking into the ground a little to stand without asistance. He waited a few seconds before shouting out: "Sudowoodo fainted! We did it!" he exclaimed while scooping the doll up and throwing it into the air in glee before catching it in his arms, still grinning.

"Santiago, come here! Dinner's ready!" Santiago's mother shouted out to her son as he played with his newest toy. "Ok, I'm coming!" Santiago called back as he brushed dirt off himself before looking up towards the sky.

:/ amazing four short lines became three paragraphs. I'm sorry but your first chapter is BAD compared to your prologue. I suggest you go read advice for Aspiring Authors before making the next chapter.

I suggest also, if you're going to have the main character suddenly befriend a Houndour, or any pokemon, have it take more than one damn short, rushed and tacky chapter. And the Houndour comes off as a stupid puppy to me. Where is it's pack? Why is it alone? Why is it so friendly to humans and why did it risk its life to save the boy?

:/