So I made a preview for this fic quite a while ago, but that was before I knew that it'd literally be months before I actually got it posted. If anyone was actually anticipating this fic's release, I apologize for the delay. There were some...unforseen difficulties. Anyway, this final Promo before Not Another Anime Parody's release is basically a desperate attempt at advertising whose sole purpose is to build up at least a little bit of hype before the grand unveiling of what may very well be the most Epic fanfiction ever to grace SPPf.
But I'm just rambling now. Scar and Rhapsody are proud to present...
“Nothing really special ever happens here…in this place…”
“Yes…” She chuckled, swinging her guitar in my moment of hesitation. “…the end is near for you and your resistance.”
I ducked. Again, the guitar missed me by inches. The scene slowed down in a poor attempt at dramatic effect. Taking what appeared to be fifteen seconds to turn my head, I found myself glaring into the eyes of my opponent. The background was pink and sparkly with several shiny bubbles in the foreground…I knew very well what that implied. I’d seen it far too many times in the past. Sato also warned me about this.
Unfortunately, I spent one too many seconds trying to figure out the laws of bullet-time animation. By the time I became accustomed to it, she had thrust herself forward. My eyes bugged out. Luckily, she was also affected by the slow motion, so I had perhaps two extra seconds to think. The laws of our universe…Sato’s sage advice…neither one told me how to escape. I would simply have to use my own intuition, and perhaps a bit of plot protection.
So I threw her out the window.
“My job sucks…”
There we were, standing in the middle of Generic Vampire’s Lair Number 173, which came complete with your standard full moon hanging above it at all times. Well…I was currently standing behind a wall, out of my partner’s sight. Oh, but he knew I was there, and I knew that he knew I was there. He was simply being difficult with me. The stingy pimp, dressed in his fancy red clothes, and what was undoubtedly the most pimpin’ hat ever conceived, had to be the least agreeable person I had ever met. Supposedly he was always right, and was such because I was a human. I’d like to know what HE is that makes him so great…Anyway, there we were, outside the Generic Lair for the last twenty minutes.
“Say it.” I said from behind the wall.
“I refuse to comply to your foolish demands, human.” The vampire glared.
“SAAY IT.” I repeated, this time louder.
“I’m not saying it…” He replied simply.
“Remember what that blonde chick said?” I asked, still out of sight.
“She informed me that I could, without repercussions, cipher the blood from your veins if you jeopardized the mission, which you are doing right now.” He stated quite arrogantly. “This does not in any way imply that I must heel for such an inferior being as yourself.”
“AFTER THAT!” I yelled.
“…My master whispered for me to ‘humor the child if it means speeding things along.’” He said, obviously quite sick of my antics. “However, I do not intend to-”
“Case in point. Now say it.”
“May you burn in the Ninth Circle of Purgatory…” My partner asked in a slightly depressed tone. “Ugh…who ya gonna call?”
I leapt out from behind the wall wearing a Proton Pack obtained last Halloween, calling out “GHOST BUSTERS!”
“…” The sound of crickets could be heard in the background. “…we must get going before my immortal body deteriorates from the shear amount of stupidity I was just forced to endure.”
“My roommate’s a weirdo…”
“EDWARD!”
“Mmmmmmmmmmph…” Moaning.
“Edward! Oh, Tape, what did she do to you?!” I shouted. “Where are you?!”
“Uuuuuuuuuuugggh…” More moaning.
Let’s see, where was Edward when I left him the previous night? The last I saw of him was after watching that episode of…FLCL! Perhaps that was her method, striking people who watch that anime of hers. Yes, that is the pattern! Once my roommate’s safety was confirmed, I would have to report my discovery to Sato-san. Yet that was beside the point. We had watched FLCL on the couch, immediately after which I left to work with that stuck-up, blood-sucking pimp. Sure enough, he was still lying there, though now he had a blue foam finger slid over his right hand, a headband reading “I Love the NHK,” and a piece of tape over his mouth. I quickly jumped over the couch, looking down at his unfocused eyes.
“Oh, Ed, what did she do to you?” I asked.
“Mmmphmmph’ver.” Edward groaned, rolling over onto his stomach.
“Oh NOEZ!” I shouted.
The background became a series of repeating yet flashy lights as I turned into a poorly drawn chibi with an accusatory facial expression.
“THAT FIEND SOMEHOW USED HER GUITAR OF PEDOPHILIA TO DISORIENT YOUR VOCAL CHORDS! THIS MUST BE HER NATIVE TONGUE! SAAAATOOOO-SAAAAAAAAN, I NEED YOUR GUIDANCE!” I yelled.
“NMMMMMMMMPH!” Edward shouted--having transformed into an angry gagged chibi.
He struggled to get back onto his feet, but instead rolled over into the pile of empty beer cans that lay haphazardly beneath him. I swiftly looked to the left, then to the right, and then dug Edward out from his alcoholic tomb. Many exaggerated special effects ensued. Why, I could feel our budget depleting as my chibi-movements became unnecessarily elaborate against the overly flashy background. My small chibi arms stretched to inhuman proportions as I heaved Edward onto the couch once more. The second I stopped pacing the beer-infested hardwood floor, we returned to our normal style of animation.
“EDWARD, SPEAK TO M-oh…the tape.” I said, then peeled the duct tape off of Edward’s mouth.
“AAAAAARG!” Edward’s voice shook the apartment.
“Anyway, life was pretty slow…until she came along.”
Time froze for a moment, allowing for me to look into the face of the speeding motorist.
“ALL RIIIIIGHT! LUNCH TIIIIIIIIIIIIME~!” She exclaimed rather pedophilically, twirling her tainted guitar around in her hand.
“It’s you.” I gaped.
And indeed it was. Coming toward me at super vehicular velocities was a yellow Piaggio Vespa driven by none other than the Vespa Woman herself. She had apparently taken several turns to align the Vespa with my body, to make matters worse. There had to be a way out. I would not succumb to fate the way that poor boy did. I refused to be kept in that vile fiend’s stranglehold as she had her way with what was left of my youthful innocence! Unfortunately, I spent too much time thinking about how I was to escape. This left me with a microscopic window of opportunity during which I could act in my self defense…
Fortunately, I had plot protection…and flash steps.
With the Vespa a mere fraction of an inch away from the cloth of my black sleeveless shirt, I disappeared from the view of the human eye, reappearing instantaneously alongside the speeding deathtrap. As this happened, I witness the unsheathing of her…guitar. That was it! That was the weapon with which she unleashed robots and pirates from the heads of innocent young children! I had to make sure she would never commit such atrocities again.
“It won’t happen to me, damnit!” I shouted, only to get no response whatsoever.
We then cut to bullet time, Matrix-style animation as I bent over backwards to avoid the psychopath’s horizontal swing. Slowly, the midnight blue guitar passed overhead while I stood frozen in my uncomfortable position. My unrealistically wide eyes stared into the heart of the cursed weapon. My heart pounded in my chest. In other words it had finally sunken in. That which I feared most was standing before me. The very incarnation of all that was evil was swinging a Gibson at my freaking HEAD.
“Next thing I know, I’m on a generic quest of Epic Proportions.”
Seated around a long, rectangular table was a group of mysterious silhouettes whose identities were almost laughably obvious. Yes, in their efforts to make themselves seem in some way enigmatic, they turned off all lights in the room except for a red lava lamp that sat on the table itself. Although the members of this group took on unique appearances. It would take a mentally deficient armadillo to not recognize them, or rather a mentally deficient armadillo who knows nothing about anime or manga. Not only did the lava lamp cast psychedelic light on their faces due to poor decorating skills on their part, but their silhouettes more than gave away their identities.
“Well…speak up, Aizen, what’s the plan?” The clinically insane voice of Gendo Ikari asked.
“Order! The meeting of the League of Anime Supervillains is now in session! So, here’s my master plan for multiversal domination…” The silhouette of who was unmistakably Sosuke Aizen began. “My top scientists have discovered a new type of immense power within the foreheads of human beings known as ‘N.O.’ This allows children to transport solid matter across galaxies into the palms of their hands. Now, I suggest we pay a beautiful alien girl to seduce someone with this ‘N.O’ into bringing out the pirate king Atomsk, at which point I will combine his power with my own and threaten to destroy the world unless the world pays us…” He chuckled. “…a hefty sum of money.”
The silhouette of Light Yagami let out a disappointed sigh, groaning, “That…already happened.”
“Really?” Sosuke Aizen asked. “Well, erm…how’d it work out?”
“Horribly, Aizen…” The angelic silhouette of Krad shook his head.
“Never mind, for I have concocted a backup plan. Alright, so we will create a small number of prototype giant mechs surpassing any giant mechs that have ever been created, masking them as earth’s only hope of survival against powerful aliens. We will, in time, mass produce these mechs, at which point we will reveal our true intentions; to bring about a ‘Third Impact,’ returning humanity to the primordial ocean by fusing one of these mechs with the first of the aforementioned aliens! Unless…the world gives us a little compensation.” Sosuke laughed maniacally.
At this, Light face palmed.
“Oh, Lord…” He moaned.
“That happened too, mortal!” A demonic voice called out from the back of the table.
“Well, did…that one turn out okay?” Sosuke inquired.
“Oh, the world was destroyed alright, but so were the villains.” The cold voice of Itachi Uchiha sighed.
“Look, this is the stuff you guys need to tell me! I’m the boss…need the info. I mean…come on throw me a freakin’ bone here!” Sosuke paused. “Okay, fine, we’ll just use the standard doom cult plan. We’ll revive an evil death god, and hold the world ransom for…” The camera zoomed in on his face quite dramatically. “…one MILLION dollars!”
“And these annoying wannabe ninjas keep following me around.”
What I found myself staring at was the epitome of “Shounen Protagonist.” Clad in the finest of l33t ninja gear, complete with fingerless gloves and some bizarre mixture of black combat boots and geto sandals, he personified the level of cheapness I strived to avoid at all costs. I stifled a laugh the instant I saw his ridiculously spiky black hair, which towered above him a good twelve inches and could have very well impaled someone upon contact. His eyes were no better. He somehow managed to, without contacts, make them a pseudo-intimidating shade of crimson. At first, I suspected him to be a mere Narutard, but when he pulled out several real kunai I realized he was an actual threat.
“YOU USURPED MY POSITION, B*STARD!” He shouted viciously, throwing the kunai at me without hesitation.
“And just who the hell are you supposed to be?!” I demanded of the assailant, effortlessly leaping to my feet and sidestepping each kunai.
“My name…” The boy tilted his head downward, letting his arms hang limply for a minute before drawing several more kunai from hammer space. “…is Hero-kun.”
“And, well…a bunch of other weird stuff.”
“Hello, sir, madam, demi-god, or miscellaneous tool of Satan. My name is Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing, and I represent the Hellsing Organization.” The woman said as if she were a recording, extending her hand.
Edward stared at her hand for a moment.
“…Sir…Integra…Fairbrook…umm…interesting. So, what, is that British or something?” He asked.
“…Yes.” Integra sighed.
One of her lackeys whispered something into her ear that was barely audible to Edward, but sounded something like “It’s him!”
“Sir, are you now, or have you ever been, a virgin?” The other lackey blurted out.
“…”
“…”
“Well…under ordinary circumstances, I’d have to say yes, but due to unforeseen events in the very recent past, I cannot say for sure whether or not I am.” Edward squinted disgustedly.
“Sir, there is no point in beating around the bush. We have received complaints of ghoulish moans coming from the apartment.” Integra said with a glare. “The description of said ghoul fits you perfectly. Fortunately for you, we have never before seen a ghoul with the ability to speak or otherwise form rational thought.”
“Oh well, I guess you’ll just have to keep looking.” Edward growled, attempting to slam the door in their face.
Integra stopped the door with her foot.
“Hellsing does not take ‘no’ for an answer, sir.” She said confidently. “Are you going to come quietly, or will we have to use force?”
“Listen, lady, I’m in the middle of a hangover, my legs are about to collapse, and I’m pretty sure I’m half-retarded now. I’m in no mood to get into another fight. Call me when I’m sober, okay?” He scowled.
“Mr. Elric,” Integra said through gritted teeth. “you may be a potential test subject, but slamming this door in my face will be the biggest mistake you will ever make.”
He slammed the door in her face.
“But that alien girl…”
How could the company that created Neon Genesis Evangelion possibly spawn that 30 minute LSD trip? I thought to myself, absent-mindedly crossing to the other side of the street.
The entire episode was quite the traumatizing experience for me, yet one portion of the anime stuck out in my mind.
That girl…
I remembered her owning a vehicle of some sort.
…Vespa…a yellow Piaggio.
Her weapon of choice…so peculiar.
Rickenbacker 4001...midnight blue…who the f*ck fights with a GUITAR?
Yet, what stuck out most in my mind, the most frightening image of all…
That…poor boy…
“…she really pisses me off…”
I thoroughly searched the room, having looked behind what was once my television set, behind the many shelves I used for manga storage, even underneath the bat that I tend to carry around with me but never swing. She simply wasn’t there. Yet, what other reason could there be for such a conspiracy-funded show playing on my television? Someone had to have turned it on. I would have to think about it later. It had been a long night, and I was in desperate need of some rest. So, believing myself to be safe at least for the time being, I strolled over to my bed and rested Jikamaro on the wall. I yawned and stretched, then lied flat on my back.
Only then did we make the switch to incredibly expensive manga-oriented animation. That was never a good sign.
In the following black and white panels, a pair of snakelike arms emerged from underneath the sheets and had me caught in their vice grip. Panel-by-panel, I squirmed and struggled before noticing the lumps in my mattress. I screamed in terror, looking from the bed to my Zanpakuto repeatedly, as indicated by two white arrows. By the next panel, Haruko pulled down the sheet just far enough so that her evil green eyes were visible. In the next, she was laughing maniacally while I elbowed her in a pressure point. The arm reeled back allowing for me to roll off of the bed in the following panels. Unfortunately, I brought the sheets-and Haruko-down with me.
“WAUGH! IT’S YOU, THE VESPA WOMAN!” I shouted so loudly that it shook the entire panel.
“Hi.” Haruko waved innocently as if nothing were happening.
“WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU?!” I demanded, flailing around underneath the sheets while simultaneously evading Haruko’s grabs.
Tangled in the sheets and distracted by fear, I landed flat on my back over the course of two panels and had Haruko right on top of me, mere inches from my petrified face.
“Haruko. Pleasure.” She smiled.
“Whatever…it’s really not that big a deal…”
“PAWN, JIKAMARO!”
Arg, well it be ab’ut time. Jikamaro gave a hardy laugh.
Ichigo completed his transition from Initial to Final Release, and my transition to Initial Release was instigated. With my Themesong replacing the dramatic music playing in the background, my Zanpakuto slowly began changing shape. Its sword became more curved and it no longer retained its Japanese style. It was now an official European Pirate Sword. Oh, but it didn’t stop there. It then started growing in stature until it reached a height of seven feet. I grabbed a hold of its handle, and stood ready for anything Ichigo had up his sleeve.
But I'm just rambling now. Scar and Rhapsody are proud to present...
Not Another Anime Parody:
The Final Trailer
The Final Trailer
“Nothing really special ever happens here…in this place…”
“Yes…” She chuckled, swinging her guitar in my moment of hesitation. “…the end is near for you and your resistance.”
I ducked. Again, the guitar missed me by inches. The scene slowed down in a poor attempt at dramatic effect. Taking what appeared to be fifteen seconds to turn my head, I found myself glaring into the eyes of my opponent. The background was pink and sparkly with several shiny bubbles in the foreground…I knew very well what that implied. I’d seen it far too many times in the past. Sato also warned me about this.
Unfortunately, I spent one too many seconds trying to figure out the laws of bullet-time animation. By the time I became accustomed to it, she had thrust herself forward. My eyes bugged out. Luckily, she was also affected by the slow motion, so I had perhaps two extra seconds to think. The laws of our universe…Sato’s sage advice…neither one told me how to escape. I would simply have to use my own intuition, and perhaps a bit of plot protection.
So I threw her out the window.
“My job sucks…”
There we were, standing in the middle of Generic Vampire’s Lair Number 173, which came complete with your standard full moon hanging above it at all times. Well…I was currently standing behind a wall, out of my partner’s sight. Oh, but he knew I was there, and I knew that he knew I was there. He was simply being difficult with me. The stingy pimp, dressed in his fancy red clothes, and what was undoubtedly the most pimpin’ hat ever conceived, had to be the least agreeable person I had ever met. Supposedly he was always right, and was such because I was a human. I’d like to know what HE is that makes him so great…Anyway, there we were, outside the Generic Lair for the last twenty minutes.
“Say it.” I said from behind the wall.
“I refuse to comply to your foolish demands, human.” The vampire glared.
“SAAY IT.” I repeated, this time louder.
“I’m not saying it…” He replied simply.
“Remember what that blonde chick said?” I asked, still out of sight.
“She informed me that I could, without repercussions, cipher the blood from your veins if you jeopardized the mission, which you are doing right now.” He stated quite arrogantly. “This does not in any way imply that I must heel for such an inferior being as yourself.”
“AFTER THAT!” I yelled.
“…My master whispered for me to ‘humor the child if it means speeding things along.’” He said, obviously quite sick of my antics. “However, I do not intend to-”
“Case in point. Now say it.”
“May you burn in the Ninth Circle of Purgatory…” My partner asked in a slightly depressed tone. “Ugh…who ya gonna call?”
I leapt out from behind the wall wearing a Proton Pack obtained last Halloween, calling out “GHOST BUSTERS!”
“…” The sound of crickets could be heard in the background. “…we must get going before my immortal body deteriorates from the shear amount of stupidity I was just forced to endure.”
“My roommate’s a weirdo…”
“EDWARD!”
“Mmmmmmmmmmph…” Moaning.
“Edward! Oh, Tape, what did she do to you?!” I shouted. “Where are you?!”
“Uuuuuuuuuuugggh…” More moaning.
Let’s see, where was Edward when I left him the previous night? The last I saw of him was after watching that episode of…FLCL! Perhaps that was her method, striking people who watch that anime of hers. Yes, that is the pattern! Once my roommate’s safety was confirmed, I would have to report my discovery to Sato-san. Yet that was beside the point. We had watched FLCL on the couch, immediately after which I left to work with that stuck-up, blood-sucking pimp. Sure enough, he was still lying there, though now he had a blue foam finger slid over his right hand, a headband reading “I Love the NHK,” and a piece of tape over his mouth. I quickly jumped over the couch, looking down at his unfocused eyes.
“Oh, Ed, what did she do to you?” I asked.
“Mmmphmmph’ver.” Edward groaned, rolling over onto his stomach.
“Oh NOEZ!” I shouted.
The background became a series of repeating yet flashy lights as I turned into a poorly drawn chibi with an accusatory facial expression.
“THAT FIEND SOMEHOW USED HER GUITAR OF PEDOPHILIA TO DISORIENT YOUR VOCAL CHORDS! THIS MUST BE HER NATIVE TONGUE! SAAAATOOOO-SAAAAAAAAN, I NEED YOUR GUIDANCE!” I yelled.
“NMMMMMMMMPH!” Edward shouted--having transformed into an angry gagged chibi.
He struggled to get back onto his feet, but instead rolled over into the pile of empty beer cans that lay haphazardly beneath him. I swiftly looked to the left, then to the right, and then dug Edward out from his alcoholic tomb. Many exaggerated special effects ensued. Why, I could feel our budget depleting as my chibi-movements became unnecessarily elaborate against the overly flashy background. My small chibi arms stretched to inhuman proportions as I heaved Edward onto the couch once more. The second I stopped pacing the beer-infested hardwood floor, we returned to our normal style of animation.
“EDWARD, SPEAK TO M-oh…the tape.” I said, then peeled the duct tape off of Edward’s mouth.
“AAAAAARG!” Edward’s voice shook the apartment.
“Anyway, life was pretty slow…until she came along.”
Time froze for a moment, allowing for me to look into the face of the speeding motorist.
“ALL RIIIIIGHT! LUNCH TIIIIIIIIIIIIME~!” She exclaimed rather pedophilically, twirling her tainted guitar around in her hand.
“It’s you.” I gaped.
And indeed it was. Coming toward me at super vehicular velocities was a yellow Piaggio Vespa driven by none other than the Vespa Woman herself. She had apparently taken several turns to align the Vespa with my body, to make matters worse. There had to be a way out. I would not succumb to fate the way that poor boy did. I refused to be kept in that vile fiend’s stranglehold as she had her way with what was left of my youthful innocence! Unfortunately, I spent too much time thinking about how I was to escape. This left me with a microscopic window of opportunity during which I could act in my self defense…
Fortunately, I had plot protection…and flash steps.
With the Vespa a mere fraction of an inch away from the cloth of my black sleeveless shirt, I disappeared from the view of the human eye, reappearing instantaneously alongside the speeding deathtrap. As this happened, I witness the unsheathing of her…guitar. That was it! That was the weapon with which she unleashed robots and pirates from the heads of innocent young children! I had to make sure she would never commit such atrocities again.
“It won’t happen to me, damnit!” I shouted, only to get no response whatsoever.
We then cut to bullet time, Matrix-style animation as I bent over backwards to avoid the psychopath’s horizontal swing. Slowly, the midnight blue guitar passed overhead while I stood frozen in my uncomfortable position. My unrealistically wide eyes stared into the heart of the cursed weapon. My heart pounded in my chest. In other words it had finally sunken in. That which I feared most was standing before me. The very incarnation of all that was evil was swinging a Gibson at my freaking HEAD.
“Next thing I know, I’m on a generic quest of Epic Proportions.”
Seated around a long, rectangular table was a group of mysterious silhouettes whose identities were almost laughably obvious. Yes, in their efforts to make themselves seem in some way enigmatic, they turned off all lights in the room except for a red lava lamp that sat on the table itself. Although the members of this group took on unique appearances. It would take a mentally deficient armadillo to not recognize them, or rather a mentally deficient armadillo who knows nothing about anime or manga. Not only did the lava lamp cast psychedelic light on their faces due to poor decorating skills on their part, but their silhouettes more than gave away their identities.
“Well…speak up, Aizen, what’s the plan?” The clinically insane voice of Gendo Ikari asked.
“Order! The meeting of the League of Anime Supervillains is now in session! So, here’s my master plan for multiversal domination…” The silhouette of who was unmistakably Sosuke Aizen began. “My top scientists have discovered a new type of immense power within the foreheads of human beings known as ‘N.O.’ This allows children to transport solid matter across galaxies into the palms of their hands. Now, I suggest we pay a beautiful alien girl to seduce someone with this ‘N.O’ into bringing out the pirate king Atomsk, at which point I will combine his power with my own and threaten to destroy the world unless the world pays us…” He chuckled. “…a hefty sum of money.”
The silhouette of Light Yagami let out a disappointed sigh, groaning, “That…already happened.”
“Really?” Sosuke Aizen asked. “Well, erm…how’d it work out?”
“Horribly, Aizen…” The angelic silhouette of Krad shook his head.
“Never mind, for I have concocted a backup plan. Alright, so we will create a small number of prototype giant mechs surpassing any giant mechs that have ever been created, masking them as earth’s only hope of survival against powerful aliens. We will, in time, mass produce these mechs, at which point we will reveal our true intentions; to bring about a ‘Third Impact,’ returning humanity to the primordial ocean by fusing one of these mechs with the first of the aforementioned aliens! Unless…the world gives us a little compensation.” Sosuke laughed maniacally.
At this, Light face palmed.
“Oh, Lord…” He moaned.
“That happened too, mortal!” A demonic voice called out from the back of the table.
“Well, did…that one turn out okay?” Sosuke inquired.
“Oh, the world was destroyed alright, but so were the villains.” The cold voice of Itachi Uchiha sighed.
“Look, this is the stuff you guys need to tell me! I’m the boss…need the info. I mean…come on throw me a freakin’ bone here!” Sosuke paused. “Okay, fine, we’ll just use the standard doom cult plan. We’ll revive an evil death god, and hold the world ransom for…” The camera zoomed in on his face quite dramatically. “…one MILLION dollars!”
“And these annoying wannabe ninjas keep following me around.”
What I found myself staring at was the epitome of “Shounen Protagonist.” Clad in the finest of l33t ninja gear, complete with fingerless gloves and some bizarre mixture of black combat boots and geto sandals, he personified the level of cheapness I strived to avoid at all costs. I stifled a laugh the instant I saw his ridiculously spiky black hair, which towered above him a good twelve inches and could have very well impaled someone upon contact. His eyes were no better. He somehow managed to, without contacts, make them a pseudo-intimidating shade of crimson. At first, I suspected him to be a mere Narutard, but when he pulled out several real kunai I realized he was an actual threat.
“YOU USURPED MY POSITION, B*STARD!” He shouted viciously, throwing the kunai at me without hesitation.
“And just who the hell are you supposed to be?!” I demanded of the assailant, effortlessly leaping to my feet and sidestepping each kunai.
“My name…” The boy tilted his head downward, letting his arms hang limply for a minute before drawing several more kunai from hammer space. “…is Hero-kun.”
“And, well…a bunch of other weird stuff.”
“Hello, sir, madam, demi-god, or miscellaneous tool of Satan. My name is Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing, and I represent the Hellsing Organization.” The woman said as if she were a recording, extending her hand.
Edward stared at her hand for a moment.
“…Sir…Integra…Fairbrook…umm…interesting. So, what, is that British or something?” He asked.
“…Yes.” Integra sighed.
One of her lackeys whispered something into her ear that was barely audible to Edward, but sounded something like “It’s him!”
“Sir, are you now, or have you ever been, a virgin?” The other lackey blurted out.
“…”
“…”
“Well…under ordinary circumstances, I’d have to say yes, but due to unforeseen events in the very recent past, I cannot say for sure whether or not I am.” Edward squinted disgustedly.
“Sir, there is no point in beating around the bush. We have received complaints of ghoulish moans coming from the apartment.” Integra said with a glare. “The description of said ghoul fits you perfectly. Fortunately for you, we have never before seen a ghoul with the ability to speak or otherwise form rational thought.”
“Oh well, I guess you’ll just have to keep looking.” Edward growled, attempting to slam the door in their face.
Integra stopped the door with her foot.
“Hellsing does not take ‘no’ for an answer, sir.” She said confidently. “Are you going to come quietly, or will we have to use force?”
“Listen, lady, I’m in the middle of a hangover, my legs are about to collapse, and I’m pretty sure I’m half-retarded now. I’m in no mood to get into another fight. Call me when I’m sober, okay?” He scowled.
“Mr. Elric,” Integra said through gritted teeth. “you may be a potential test subject, but slamming this door in my face will be the biggest mistake you will ever make.”
He slammed the door in her face.
“But that alien girl…”
How could the company that created Neon Genesis Evangelion possibly spawn that 30 minute LSD trip? I thought to myself, absent-mindedly crossing to the other side of the street.
The entire episode was quite the traumatizing experience for me, yet one portion of the anime stuck out in my mind.
That girl…
I remembered her owning a vehicle of some sort.
…Vespa…a yellow Piaggio.
Her weapon of choice…so peculiar.
Rickenbacker 4001...midnight blue…who the f*ck fights with a GUITAR?
Yet, what stuck out most in my mind, the most frightening image of all…
That…poor boy…
“…she really pisses me off…”
I thoroughly searched the room, having looked behind what was once my television set, behind the many shelves I used for manga storage, even underneath the bat that I tend to carry around with me but never swing. She simply wasn’t there. Yet, what other reason could there be for such a conspiracy-funded show playing on my television? Someone had to have turned it on. I would have to think about it later. It had been a long night, and I was in desperate need of some rest. So, believing myself to be safe at least for the time being, I strolled over to my bed and rested Jikamaro on the wall. I yawned and stretched, then lied flat on my back.
Only then did we make the switch to incredibly expensive manga-oriented animation. That was never a good sign.
In the following black and white panels, a pair of snakelike arms emerged from underneath the sheets and had me caught in their vice grip. Panel-by-panel, I squirmed and struggled before noticing the lumps in my mattress. I screamed in terror, looking from the bed to my Zanpakuto repeatedly, as indicated by two white arrows. By the next panel, Haruko pulled down the sheet just far enough so that her evil green eyes were visible. In the next, she was laughing maniacally while I elbowed her in a pressure point. The arm reeled back allowing for me to roll off of the bed in the following panels. Unfortunately, I brought the sheets-and Haruko-down with me.
“WAUGH! IT’S YOU, THE VESPA WOMAN!” I shouted so loudly that it shook the entire panel.
“Hi.” Haruko waved innocently as if nothing were happening.
“WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU?!” I demanded, flailing around underneath the sheets while simultaneously evading Haruko’s grabs.
Tangled in the sheets and distracted by fear, I landed flat on my back over the course of two panels and had Haruko right on top of me, mere inches from my petrified face.
“Haruko. Pleasure.” She smiled.
“Whatever…it’s really not that big a deal…”
“PAWN, JIKAMARO!”
Arg, well it be ab’ut time. Jikamaro gave a hardy laugh.
Ichigo completed his transition from Initial to Final Release, and my transition to Initial Release was instigated. With my Themesong replacing the dramatic music playing in the background, my Zanpakuto slowly began changing shape. Its sword became more curved and it no longer retained its Japanese style. It was now an official European Pirate Sword. Oh, but it didn’t stop there. It then started growing in stature until it reached a height of seven feet. I grabbed a hold of its handle, and stood ready for anything Ichigo had up his sleeve.