Not So Sensational

[Eternal Daydreamer]

Four mystical rings called the Rings of Kygore were forged over a thousand years ago when the world was new. In modern time the Sensational Sisters have found them, and this is what happens.

“Blah”- Human Speech
“Italics”- Pokemon (So I don’t have to write it out.)

Prologue

“Like, this salt air is doing nothing for my hair,” Lily complained. Violet rolled her eyes while she continued sunbathing. “Maybe, you should have stayed home with Misty,” she said causally. “Or I can drive you home without telling Daisy.” This part was said so idly it made Lily gulp. This was so because unlike Daisy, Violet wasn’t able to drive very well and most likely would hit a tree.

“Hey, I found something!” Lily and Violet turned their heads to see their older sister.Their sister was a tall teenager wearing a tube top swimsuit. Her long blonde hair bounced with each step she took. Daisy was running towards them while insanely waving a box dripping seaweed and saltwater.

When she finally reached them huffing and puffing; she handed Violet the box. The box was made of dark rotting wood and smelled of decay. Lily took a step backwards in order to escape the stench. “That stinks so bad it’s ruining my hairdo!”

BONG!

The next moment Lily was on her knees cradling her head with Violet standing above her with an annoyed expression on her face while holding the box in her hands. “Why did you do that for?” Lily whined."I’m tired of you complaining,” Violet replied coldly with a stoic expresion upon her face. “Look! You broke the box!” Daisy exclaimed. Indeed the box did break in half.

Among a large amount of sand, four glittering rings tumbled onto the beach right behind Lily. Lily turned her head to see the closet ring - a simple steel band with a aquamarine colored stone set into it. The stone shone slightly and mesmerized Lily grabbed it greedily and put it onto her finger. Daisy grabbed the closest one to her and did the same. A more elaborate steel design with a dark blue stone, larger than the one on Lily’s ring.

Violet, like her sister’s grabbed another ring and put it on. It was not as simple as Lily’s nor as elaborate as Daisy’s. It was a single band shaped into a ring that looked like a Dragonair. It’s stone was a cerulean color and it was a medium size. “What should we like do with that last one?” Daisy said eying the last ring. “I should have it,” Lily said greedily.

Violet glared at her. “We should give it to Misty. After all, we did leave her behind when we went on that trip around the world,” the blue haired teenager said sagely. “Why should we?” Lily’s eyes darted back and forth from the last ring to Violet. “You were the one who ‘accidently’ dropped Misty’s ticket into the Goldeen tank,” Daisy said remembering the day before they called Misty.

“Well, let’s give to her for Christmas, then. It’s five months away anyways,” Lily said sadly as if it pained her not to be the owner of the last ring. “That’s fine,” Daisy said approvingly. Violet, however, didn’t like the sound of it, but wisely held her tongue. “Come on. It’s getting cold,” she said instead. Her sisters nodded and Daisy left to start the car while Violet and Lily packed up their stuff.

Soon after they had left, a very old woman - that was wearing a shawl even at the hot tempature's of the beac - came up to the spot were the sisters had been not less then five minutes ago. Leaning upon a walking stick, the old woman leaned to examine the broken box. "It seems that the Rings are loose," she said to herself darkly with a grave expression upon her face. "I hope to Mew that the people who have found them doesn't have any water Pokemon. If they do, Mew have mercy upon us all."

Well, here's the prologue and the first chapter will be out soon.

Edit: I fixed my mistakes and hopefully, made the ending more suspenseful.

 

[Klaus]

YES, Misty's siblinings. I like it, the decription wasn't very detailed. I know
what the sister's look like, you just need to decribe them anyway.

I like the plot, it seems pretty original.

I can definetly see it go far.

As always, be kind to the mime.

 

[Eternal Daydreamer]

Thank you Klaus! I had hoped the plot seemed original. And anyone reading this, please reply. It makes me feel empty when I know this is being read but no one is telling me if they liked it or not... Oh, and sorry if I'm not too descriptive that's not one of my strong suits BUT I make it up in originality right? Again, thank you Klaus for pointing out something I need to improve on.

I have decided to update early so here is Chapter One!

Chapter 1

Tossing and turning, Violet woke up when the pale moonlight touched her face. Groaning softly she got out of bed and walked to the window. The moonlight glinted off the stone in her ring which she gotten a week before. Like Daisy and Lily, she had grown accustomed to wearing her ring 24-7. Leaning on the windowsill she looked the landscape over. Unusually, it did not interest her one bit.

Groaning softly again she walked over to her bedside table and turned on the lamp, which was shaped like a Corsala. Using the light from the lamp, Violet took out a swimsuit from the dresser. Stopping a moment to admire her reflection in the mirror, she adjusted her long blue hair. Sighing happily she took off the nightgown which she had been wearing

After putting on the swimsuit and taking a Pokeball containing a Feralgatr, Violet lazily drifted to the pool near the Chinchou tank to a take a short swim.
With a near silent splash she entered the water in the dimly lit room.

Absently, she released her first Pokemon, the Feralgatr, into the water and put the Pokeball on edge of the pool. The mighty beast barely disturbed the water when it entered. “I don’t like your ring. Get rid of it,” he said solemnly to Violet who was floating near him. “Hm, what is it, Hyde?” she asked him. Hyde growled softly then dived under the water. Violet paid him no heed since Feralgatrs were naturally grumpy and upset.

After a few minutes, the middle Waterflower pulled herself out of the water. Hyde grabbed the railing and pulled his muscular body out of the water. Glaring at the offending ring which he had earlier shown his displeasure, Hyde pulled his scaly lips over pointed teeth and snarled fiercely. Violet eyed him with one eye. “Get rid of the Mew blasted ring! Or I will!” the Feralgtr bellowed. Even though she could not understand him, Violet gulped in fear and bent down to get the Pokeball.

The slash barely missed the blue hair of Violet. Startled, she fell to the damp floor with a groan. Her Dragonair ring fell off her finger and rolled down a groove in the tile. Hyde loped after it and snarling, picked the ‘Mew blasted’ thing up. “Hyde, no!” Hyde barely glanced at Violet and tried to crush the ring in his clawed hand.

It would surprisingly not be broken! The only thing that happened was that Hyde had created a minute scratch hardly big enough to see in the stone. “Mew!” the large Pokemon exclaimed in surprise and dropped the ring.

In a swift motion, Violet recalled her Pokemon and scooped up the ring with a trembling hand. “T-that was unexpected,” she said half to herself and half to the Pokeball. With a shaking hand she replaced the ring and went back to bed shakily.

 

[Fatal]

Chapter 1 was slightly better than I expected it to be! It was good!

 

[Bigbrother87]

Unfortunatly your first little description made me think of Lord of the rings, that may be intentional, but you can't really compare pokemon to LotR. You make us think these rings are either really strong for some reason, or really evil. Other than Hydes reaction to the ring, we have no evidence of this yet. Also your chapters are kinda short, and don't have a lot of content.

If you can make your future chapters longer, and give us more about these rings, I think you could have a great fic on your hands.

Please note your fic is the first one I've rated, so all this is is my unprofessional opinion.

 

[Eternal Daydreamer]

Not a very suspenseful ending, plenty of spelling errors, not enough description (even for a prologue)

One word that sums all those up:

CRAP!

god damn, if you want to hear an example of a good fic, read Who Shot Brendan Birch?
If you read that you'll realize your fic sucks like ****!

*bows head in shame* I am sorry that you didn't like it. Perhaps you need to correct me on the things I did wrong I could make it better. But please don't cuss. And I know I don't describe very well, that's my worst part but I try to describe things well but I don't.

I thought I good spelling. But give me examples of what I mispelled, please. The endings will be suspenseful later, just give it time.

I wonder if you have heard the saying, "Good manners will get you farther in life than anything else." I try to follow this, sometimes I'm not succesful but most of the time I am. So please, I ask you and any other reader use your manners when you are telling me that my story is bad.

Lastly but not least, please don't compare me with other writers. Please, calmly explain why my story is bad and how I can improve. Treat me with respect and I will try to respect you in return. I try to respect others even if I don't like what they wrote, even though I might get angry at them and insult them. I will feel bad afterwards. Please note that I'm young and this is the first story I publicly posted for others to read.

Hopefully, now I will be told how to improve my writing and not be so insulted

 

[Eternal Daydreamer]

(Sorry for double posting)

Unfortunatly your first little description made me think of Lord of the rings, that may be intentional, but you can't really compare pokemon to LotR. You make us think these rings are either really strong for some reason, or really evil. Other than Hydes reaction to the ring, we have no evidence of this yet. Also your chapters are kinda short, and don't have a lot of content.

If you can make your future chapters longer, and give us more about these rings, I think you could have a great fic on your hands.

Please note your fic is the first one I've rated, so all this is is my unprofessional opinion.

First, the link between Lord of the Rings and the short first description was unintentional and I thought they didn't sound alike but oh well, the rings in this and the Lord of the Rings are not even similar, though. Ah, yes Hyde's reaction was supposed to be the only thing to note this. And pay attention what happens to the ring, it's important. Oops, a spoiler.

2. I can make the chapters longer, no problem! Thank you for telling me. They won't be like ten pages long each though, maybe if they are important though..

3. The rings are supposed to be shrouded in mystery until about chapter five or so. So you guys will have to wait. Please note that minor things in this story will have a bigger impact than you think. Drat, another spoiler. Just a tiny bit of how the rings influence those who wear them will be out in chapter two.

4. Don't worry about this being your first 'professional review' before. This is my first published story!

(Sorry again for double posting)

 

[DKzM0mA]

Not a very suspenseful ending, plenty of spelling errors, not enough description (even for a prologue)

One word that sums all those up:

CRAP!

god damn, if you want to hear an example of a good fic, read Who Shot Brendan Birch?
If you read that you'll realize your fic sucks like ****!

Dude i know its's not the best Fic but therez no need to cuss or anythiing. Try giving him/her some pointers.BTW: IT's ok. I would say a little bit touching up on the grammer and like MR.BADMOUTH said it aint really suspenceful but i'm sure it'll get better.

 

[Fatal]

*bows head in shame* I am sorry that you didn't like it. Perhaps you need to correct me on the things I did wrong I could make it better. But please don't cuss. And I know I don't describe very well, that's my worst part but I try to describe things well but I don't.

I thought I good spelling. But give me examples of what I mispelled, please. The endings will be suspenseful later, just give it time.

I wonder if you have heard the saying, "Good manners will get you farther in life than anything else." I try to follow this, sometimes I'm not succesful but most of the time I am. So please, I ask you and any other reader use your manners when you are telling me that my story is bad.

Lastly but not least, please don't compare me with other writers. Please, calmly explain why my story is bad and how I can improve. Treat me with respect and I will try to respect you in return. I try to respect others even if I don't like what they wrote, even though I might get angry at them and insult them. I will feel bad afterwards. Please note that I'm young and this is the first story I publicly posted for others to read.

Hopefully, now I will be told how to improve my writing and not be so insulted

*laughs* I'm younger than you are! (if you were really born in '91) but anyways, sorry about the insult, (I was in a very bad mood earlier) and welcome to the forums! (just to warn you, peace and respect is the last thing you're gonna find on SPPF, and you're gonna hear tons of swearing!)

About the story:

Here is a list of your spelling errors:

1)

“Like maybe, you should of stayed home with Misty,”

Comment: It's should have, not should of


2)

Violet wasn’t able to drive very well and must likely would hit a tree.

Comment: It's most likely, not must likely


3)

Lily turned her head to see the closet ring, a simple steel band with a aquamarine colored stone set into it.

Comment: Whenever you are further describing something, you put a
dash (-) and not a comma (,)


4)

Violet, like her sister’s grabbed another ring and put it on.

Comment: Should be sisters, not sister's. You only put an apostrophe (') and an S when you are showing that something belongs to someone. Like John's toy, or Bill's PC

5)

Violet however didn’t like the sound of it but wisely held her tongue.

Should look like this: Violet, however, didn't like the sound of it, but wisely held her tounge.

So, in all there are five errors in your story...

Also, over-use of the word like (even if it's supposed to be a valley girl story) sounds very bad. And it could use a lot more description and length. Try to describe with stuff like facial expressions, or physical descriptions of all the girls after you mention their names. Something like, "Then the oldest sister came walking toward the rest. She was tall, with long blonde hair and a tube top bikini." Also the reason I mentioned the other story was to give you an example of how your length and description should be. The way your story is, it's telling something that happened over the course of 5 minutes, which is not very exciting, however, with better detail and length, this story does have some potential. Perhaps you should let me be your editor, since I'm so good with grammar and such... But if I seem like such a bad guy, you can say no... I won't be offended...

 

[Eternal Daydreamer]

Thank you! I'll go fix that. And I understand that you were in a bad mood. Yes, you can be my editor. Again I thank you.

*laughs* I'm younger than you are! (if you were really born in '91) but anyways, sorry about the insult, (I was in a very bad mood earlier) and welcome to the forums! (just to warn you, peace and respect is the last thing you're gonna find on SPPF, and you're gonna hear tons of swearing!)

Good to know. I'll keep that in mind. Didn't I say that I'm not all peace and respect? I've got a mean temper, that's why my screen name's Diva and my tittle is Prima Donna! I can swear too, if I have too. I better go fix those mistakes. Oh and some of those things you listed were mistakes, those were typos.

 

[Fatal]

Wow... it's a lot better, now. I just read over chapter 1 and I like the way you made Feraligatr a mean, grumpy Pokemon. I could imagine it almost in my head. I didn't find any spelling errors in chapter 1, so keep up the good work!

 

[~*Ratiosu*~]

Well, this isn't the best fic in the world...in fact I've seen a lot better ones. But you are trying and it's the thought that counts, right?

1. Length-Not good. Yours was about six paragraphs. Try writing on Microsoft Word, and your chapters should be at least a page. Then copy and paste them into the reply box. I write in the reply box just because my chapters are always long, as I go in-depth and all.

2. Description-Also not good. I need to know what they looked like, who they are...like your desription for Feraligatr. If I had never seen a Feraligatr, I wouldn't understand you now, would I? It should be somewhat like this:

As Violet put her five-foot frame into the water, she took a red and white sphere that had been stored on the edge of the pool. Taking it into one hand, she threw it into the air. From the sphere, a flash of white dove into the pool and transformed into another five-foot figure. This one, taking color, was a large light blue alligator. It's back was lined with red triangles, as was its head. It swished the long blue tail impatiently, and its large jaw snapped at the air, indicating it was happy to get out of its Poke'Ball. The bottom of its jaw was a creamy yellow, and the last thing to materialize was its large, muscular legs.

Don't use that though. But description makes everything longer. So if you use that, you'll get a lot better chapters. So far, I don't see it going anywhere as far as the plot, but still...there could be a big turnaround.

~XKaze

 

[Eternal Daydreamer]

Yes, this Feralgatr is grumpy but he's not really mean. He just wanted to get rid of Violet's ring and was irritated that she wouldn't get would of it. Like the old woman in the end of the prologue meant that the rings shouldn't be near any water Pokemon.
I had hoped that the prologue is better now, and I even added a more suspensful ending! The second chapter will be out in about a day or so.

 

[~*Ratiosu*~]

I'm not saying he's not mean...just you need a bunch more description and length. But I hope the second chapter comes out soon!

 

[Eternal Daydreamer]

Oh, I wasn't talking to you. I was talking about the post above you. Sorry, if I offended you. I'm working on the second chapter right now. And I know this isn't the best story either, and it's the thought that counts.

 

[Klaus]

OH OH OH OH OH OH YEAH!*amazing*

I liked it, it was on the bit 'O' short side, but is was still
really good. I know your trying hard, lol, it's better then my
fics, when first started.

Description:Yeah, I know some have trouble with it, I know I do, but it gets better once you get to know your characters. Feraligater could have used a bit more description, but I like decription, but I you use known character I can usually already
see them, and it's the same with Feraligater, but if you get a hold of someone who really like description....yeah...anyway.

I like, just make if longer and it'l be Maxie-licious!

As always, be kind to the mime

 

[Eternal Daydreamer]

I am currently having a writers block so the next chapter won't be out this week. Sorry.

 

[Klaus]

Whaa, writer's block, the number one killer of fics. Well, I hope youg et over it soon. I just came here to offer some tips to get of:

.Re-read your story, it helps.

.Listen to Music , helps also.

Yeah, I feel for you. But, take your time, we'll be here when you
overcome the horrid block.

As always, be kind to the mime.

 

[Eternal Daydreamer]

I have finally finished chapter two! And I'm out of my writers block! Alright, I'm kind of. This chapter introduces a new character and some effects of the mysterious Rings of Kyogre.

Chapter 2

In the morning Daisy and Lily was in the kitchen of the Cerulean Gym eating their normal breakfast of a light salad each. Misty currently, was still in bed since Daisy and Lily were early risers. Feeling awkward, Daisy set down her fork. “Like, where’s Violet? She’s like got a hair appointment in like a hour,” she said timidly. “Like, I don’t know. Maybe she’s getting dressed?” Lily suggested.

“Who’s getting dressed?” a familiar voice asked from the doorway. Lily rolled her eyes. “Like, what do you care?” she asked sarcastically. “She meant Violet, Misty,” Daisy added quickly. Misty let out a soft oh and walked over to the counter. “Want some toast?” she asked her older sisters sweetly. “Of course not! Do you want us to get fat?!” snapped Lily, irritably.

“I don’t know about getting fat, but some toast sounds great. Make double,” Violet said as she waltzed in wearing her pajamas with a robe over it. “Look who finally decided to show up.” Violet glared daggers at Lily. “I needed some more sleep. I, uh had trouble sleeping last night so I was still tired, that’s it,” Violet snapped but the last sentence she stammered a little. Daisy raised an eyebrow. “I know you’re lying. It’s not that hard to figure out.”

Ignoring this conversation, Misty had continued making her toast. Suddenly, Violet quickly
turned her attention to the red head. “I thought I told you to make me toast!” she snarled and stormed over to where her younger sister was standing. “I was gonna but-” Misty was cut off when she received a hard smack across her cheek from Violet. “Next time I ask for something, I expect to receive it!” Misty’s sister snarled.

Daisy, upon seeing this, ran to the aid of her younger sister, as did Lily. What was going to happen next was interrupted, by a voice which none of the sisters had heard before. “Well, I came for a gym battle and this is what I find?!” The voice sounded both shocked and annoyed. “Mew, kill me now,” Daisy muttered and slapped her forehead. The intruder walked in as if she was the queen of Kanto. She glanced over the scene with an air of proud amusement. “Well, I’ll be a Mankey’s aunt, the Cerulean gymleaders a bunch of squabbling sisters?!”

The newcomer was a fourteen year old teenager. Her long hair was pulled into a long, fluffy ponytail that resembled an Arcanine’s mane. This and the rest of features -blue eyes, arched nose and eyebrows, a toothed necklace upon a slender throat- proclaimed the word: diva. Her clothes were simple, though, a white t-shirt with blue shorts. Six red and white Pokeballs circled her waist.

Daisy, at the moment looked like she was going to kill someone - most likely the diva intruder - Lily and Violet looked angry - not as angry as Daisy at the moment, though - and Misty was ignoring the intruder and started rubbing a red cheek. “If you want to battle,” Daisy said through clenched teeth. “Go to the pool and wait.” The intruder raised an eyebrow. “Why should I have to wait?” was the message the raised eyebrow suggested. “Go, or I’ll call the police on you for trespassing!” The intruder looked scared, but just for a moment before leaving in a huff.

Turning upon her sisters, Daisy started barking out commands. “Violet! Get dressed and go to your appointment! Lily! Get the pool platforms! Misty! Get my Pokemon! Now! GO! GO! GO I SAY!” Startled by the sudden orders, her sisters stood dumfounded because Daisy was usually mild mannered unless there was a failing grade involved. “I SAID GO!” The order had the other sisters scrambling to obey. Breakfast was obviously abandoned..

***Ten minutes later***

After some tedious chores later, the battle between Daisy and the diva was about to begin. Daisy, though still a little ticked, begun the battle with a gym leader’s courtesy. “I am Daisy, the gym leader here. What is your name?” The diva replied with mocking courtesy, “I am Kylee, from Littleroot Town in Hoenn. I have come for a Cascade Badge.” Daisy’s sisters, Lily and Misty were leaning against the wall waiting for the battle patiently - Violet, by this time had gotten dressed and rushed to her appointment. “I wonder why Violet slapped you,” Lily asked quietly. “Does she need a reason?” Lily shook her head. “Thought not.”

The two sisters turned their attention to the beginning battle. “The battle will be three on three,” Daisy had just finished saying. Kylee nodded her head. “You will start.” Nodding again, Kylee took one of her Pokeballs and tossed it in the air. “Go Electabuzz!” Red light from the Pokeball sent out a creature headfirst. First, a two horned head with six o-clock shadow appeared. Then a strong-looking body covered in yellow fur crossed with black stripes. “Hm, an electric Pokemon. I thought you would use something more creative.”

Yeah, I know not a creative ending. Hopefully, the next chapter will be longer.

 

[Klaus]

MISTY! OH OH OH OH OH OH OH I LOVE HER! I'm like so like glad you like used her. OH My Gosh!

Again, wonderful chapter, thought poor Misty being pushed down like that, awww.

I love it, it was wonderful, keep it up.

As always, be kind to the mime.