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Oblivion

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by katiekitten, Jun 20, 2008.

  1. katiekitten

    katiekitten The Compromise

    A quick note before we start - expect a lot of these random little oneshots. x3 I'm practicing. xD




    oblivion


    It should have been raining.


    That single thought had haunted her since she’d first stepped out into the burning sunshine, shards of sunlight splintering into thousands of glistening, gleaming slivers that lanced down unrelenting, slipping like golden daggers into her bare arms, her pale, unprotected cheeks and forehead; digging slowly under her skin like heaven’s thorns as she stood, and watched, silent, as the slow shadows crept from the mountain’s feet to the streets of Goldenrod. Their steady march marked the end of the otherwise normal day: the sun rising and falling; the moon and stars, the bright Milky Way gleaming unnoticed behind the sun’s bright veil in the universe beyond, simply existing in the way that had awed astronomers for centuries. Without sentience, and without care, unknowing that this very hour, of sixty minutes, three thousand six hundred seconds and a thousand heart beats, was finally going to be the last.

    The end of days.

    Pale eyes glimmered with unshed tears, the tracks of the already fallen still drying on her cheeks as she raised a single, slightly shaking hand to her forehead to brush away an awry strand of auburn hair. A reflex action, she noted numbly, thoughts trickling dully through her mind as it struggled to combat the residue shock that lingered despite itself, thawing in freezing, silent drops into a quiet fear that felt lack-lustre in the face of what she knew was coming. Useless. She smiled wryly at thought, pulling her hand away and holding it millimetres away from her nose, studying every contour of her fingerprints, mentally tracing the veins that weaved across the back of her hands, everything that made her human, real, and irrevocably weak.

    She had only had one task in life.

    And she’d failed.

    She blinked, a single tear clinging to the edge of her eyelashes as her throat constricted once more with withheld emotion, and she looked out at the world, at the casual chatting of passing teenagers on the way to the Dairy Queen after school, the teasingly mocking calls of the market sellers to each other about the other’s wares as they lounged beside their stalls; the crotchety old man sitting at a park table playing chess with himself. All of them so carefree, oblivious. All of them having unwittingly placed their lives in the hands of a scared, fragile, twelve year-old girl, only to have her lose them all in a single lapse of judgement, a simple mistake; their entire world to be shredded with it.

    It was her fault.

    It was her fault and the guilt that knowledge brought almost tore her up from the inside.

    She wrapped her arms around herself and slumped back against the wall, letting her weight drag her down, heedless of the way the cinnamon colored paint scraped the soft skin of her back, the pain prickling at the edges of her consciousness as she huddled at the side of the pokemon center, crouched at the edge of the garden the nurses used daily to ‘walk’ their patients. The grass was crisp and green beneath her, tickling the undersides of her thighs under her crumpled white skirt and she closed her eyes, savouring the texture of the blades beneath her, taking the time to memorise the feel of the purity and grace of life as she waited for judgement day.


    It really should have rained.


    end.


    x3 Just proving to myself that I can.
     
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2008
  2. Ejunknown

    Ejunknown be creative

    :0

    Work, man slave! >0

    XD Working on beta-ing you fool, will PM you. XD

    [edit]

    Hardhar, too late with that edit button. XDD
     
    Last edited: Jun 20, 2008
  3. katiekitten

    katiekitten The Compromise

    asdguiujasdg Sshh! *hides typo deep under the bed*

    *shot*

    Man slave? MAN SLAVE?

    ...It's a possiblit- *shot*

    xD *noogies* Love ya hun. <3
     
  4. Legend of Lucario

    Legend of Lucario Songwriter

    This is pretty good. It is a short but then again one shorts don't have to be super long like chapters either.
     
  5. Ejunknown

    Ejunknown be creative

    ...Yes. Typo. :0 XDD *snugs you*

    8D If you are looking for a master, I can give you my number. ;D *snugs you to death* <33

    BACK ON TRACK​

    I really really liked this part.

    And this; how you bring more meaning to the regually used phrase with 'almost', making the tearing up a real action, instead of just a metaphor used all the time.

    Only one minor error;

    Tense error. XD 'She'

    And no major ones. XD! I loved it, KK. Honestly.
     
  6. katiekitten

    katiekitten The Compromise

    xD Thanks Legend!

    *gives cookie*

    My apologies for the length. xD; Short and sweet, at least? *shot* Thanks for taking the time to read it. I would've written something longer, but my brain ka-platted after the last piece I wrote. (A whopping 14 pages - took me three days, although that in and of itself was from sheer laziness. :x) I'd love to see you at the next one of these - keep an eye out. x3


    And Ejunkie! *glomps*

    Why thaaaaaank yew. x3 Egads, how did I miss that? *rushes to edit* And thanks for the PM with all of the beta goodness. You are a spectucular beta reader, hun. *squeezes* Truly amazing. And say it with me: Confideeeeeeeeeence!

    Don't make me steal you're 'owning the fools' song. *shakes ladel threateningly*

    Pity the fooooo!
     
  7. CHeSHiRe-CaT

    CHeSHiRe-CaT A Curious Breed

    That's the most elaborate and well-established imagery I've seen in a while. xD Very beautiful, katiekitten. You inspire me to work harder on my own description. D8
     
  8. Bay

    Bay YEAHHHHHHH

    Don't you be stealing KK's Armageddon imagery, Chesh! XD Nah, just kidding.

    Anyways, unto the review. Yeah, like Chesh said, great imagery there and you too make me want to brush up on my description. ^^ Also, what I love is the end result. Usually in the end of world stories in the end a new beginning comes, but this one it ends with the girl making a mistake, Armageddon coming, and that's it. Awesome. :D

    Again, quite like this and also...this is the second time you inspired me to write another one shot. It's not an end of world one shot, mind you. XD It's actually more of consequences of Chosen Ones and how it'll end in a tragic note and not like "Destiny's Tricks." XD
     
  9. duncan

    duncan Well-Known Member

    O_O Here I am, hardly 12 hours after you post it, and yet I'm still late? Impossible!

    Anyway...really liked this one. It's certainly a good angle, the aftermath of a chosen one fic (at least I hope so. XD). Nothing I've ever seen before (short of the actual ending of a chosen one fic), so nice job. Yeah, it was short but so what?

    Wow. Lots of description here. I don't know, for a normal fic this might be a bit much, but for practice I can only say one thing. Dayum. :D

    Nice job KK, I think I'm getting into the habit of reviewing you again. XD Oh, and one last funny note. Earlier when I read it, I liked the idea of making One-Shots that didn't take forever to come up with. So I guess you inspired me too. XD Not bad for a day's work, eh?
     
  10. katiekitten

    katiekitten The Compromise

    Chesh-ness! *glomps* It has been all, all too long. Sincerely.

    I missed ya! ;_;

    xD You're more than right on how elaborate the description in this is, no matter how well established or not it is. *nudges it with foot* xD And adguasg. You don't need to work on your description. It already rocks my socks off. *nooges*

    Thank yas! :D

    Bay! *noogies* Thanks! I'm very glad you like it. x3

    And I inspired you again? xD *hugs and gives cookies* I still remember the last time. *shoves old typo still further under the bed*


    xD duncan! *tackleglomp* And you're not late, so no worries. :D

    Yes, join us in the spontaneous oneshot brigade! It's really fun, actually. x3 And they rarely turn out as you expect. You can find some really great moments that you'd never thought of before if you just go with 'teh flow'. :D

    xD Yep, you got it. x3 Sorry for the slightly unoriginal plot - And sorry for killing you with the description. xD My dear sister challenged me to prove that I hadn't lost my old flair for over-the-top description, so I wrote this for her. :x (And I was also a little worried myself - I'd hate to be regressing. And yes, I worry a lot. xD;; )

    This is also a nice comparison point for seeing how far I've come in my attempt to make my writing more readable. :x Although I don't know.

    Yeah, I really do worry too much. xD

    *glomps* Thanks so much, huuuuuun! *squeezes to oblivion* I really, really appreciate it. x3
     
  11. Sike Saner

    Sike Saner Peace to the Mountain

    Ah, what a nice little piece of sunshine this was--sunshine cast in a not-so happy role, which I really liked. :D And I confess that I especially liked it when the sunlight was referred to as being like "heaven's thorns". X3

    Also, you made me want to go to Dairy Queen--of which there isn't one in this town. DAMN YOUUUUUU! XD

    (Pssh, who am I kidding--I pretty much always have at least some interest in going to Dairy Queen anyway. X3;)

    Anyway, I do tend to enjoy end-of-the-world as a flavor in what I'm reading, as well as the flavor of things-are-going-to-hell-and-it's-my-fault, and this had both of those. So yeah, it made me smile. :D
     
  12. Praxiteles

    Praxiteles Friendly POKéMON.

    Shards break into shards? Give us an indication that this is intentional! *bangs desk*

    Sentience. You used an adjective in place of a noun.

    You stole my thunder, KK. I was going to make a (eventually terrible) armageddon scene in this vein. I was also going to expend about as much energy on pure metaphor, but this is only because we appear to share that taste and I do that in every fiction anyway. Godd, however, that you got it down long before me; I observe here some very smooth emotional abstraction, nothing like the badly-theatricated oration I was about to commit in my nether age.

    I assure you the description is quite enjoyable and not over-the-top at all, but only in the was two drug junkies assure each other no one's going over the top.

    Also, your fascination with Dairy Queens amuses me. This is all the advice I am giving you. Rue me.
     
  13. katiekitten

    katiekitten The Compromise

    Sike: xD Hi! *hugs tightly* x3 Thank you for reviewing, not only this but 'All the Small Things' which I know is humungous. :x *buries under heap of cookies*

    ...And I couldn't resist putting the 'heaven's thorns' in. : D *shot* xD

    I'm glad you liked the theme- you wouldn't believe the evil smile that was tweaking my lips by the end of it. :x xD It was fun to write, so I'm glad that it wasn't horrible to read either. *hugs*

    And I love Dairy Queen. 8D *sidesteps a huge, ten tonne weight with 'dur' written on it* xD I love any and all icecream, so I'm most certainly with you there. :3

    *hugs again* Thanks, sike! I really, really appreciate it. *gives piece of dooms day cookie*

    Pyro- Luph: (xD) Thanks, hun! xD Yes, I do, indeed, like dairy queen. *shot* But-but- It's so good! All of that oreo sunday goodness... *mouth waters* 'Tis always worth the wait. xD

    *hides*

    Thanks for pointing out the mistakes! Can't believe I didn't notice the shard-shard thing. xD;; *fixes* Can't forget the 'sentient' mistake, either. *headesk* A very, very stupid mistake. *hides*

    And write it anyway! I demand you. I order you. I beg you. I like your writing. ;3

    Neh, description-junkie/smunkie. *hands and wears her own 'I <3 commas' shirt* x3
     

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