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Obsession (ongoing, PG-13 overall)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Blackjack Gabbiani, Jun 29, 2006.

  1. Blackjack Gabbiani

    Blackjack Gabbiani Clearly we're great!

    I bring you the first part of my epic Jirarudan backstory Obsession! Why does our favorite Collector do what he does? Read on to find out! And yes, the chapters are awfully short, I know.

    Don't know who Jirarudan is? He's also known by Gelarden or Lawrence III, and is the antigonist of the second movie.

    Anyway, onto the first chapter!


    obsession: a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling...

    Why do I do it? What is it about Collecting that keeps me in its clutches? Is it as simple as greed?

    I doubt that. If it was pure greed, I would not feel like this. No, it is an addiction.

    Every time I think about it, I lose a little bit of my humanity. Someday I shall be completely at its mercy, unable to connect with any aspect of the man I once was.

    Perhaps you think me harmless, despite my disconnection. I ask you, would a harmless man have done what I did? I do not know which of us is the bigger fool, you, for thinking such things, or me, for allowing myself to become this.

    Perhaps I should begin from the beginning. My earliest memory is a simple enough one. I was looking through my mother's heirloom chest with her, and came across a small envelope. With her permission, I opened it.

    The contents of that envelope changed my life forever.

    Inside was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Even in the dim light of the attic, it shone with its full magnificence and splendor.

    Entranced, I turned my eyes towards my mother, who smiled. "That's the Ancient Mew card, dear. You can have it if you want. But be careful with it, it's very valuable."

    If it was important enough to merit a warning, I knew it had to be very special. From that moment on, it was, and still remains, my most treasured possession.

    My mother was a wonderful woman. She was tall, with a shock of emerald hair, and eyes that reflected the universe. She was a healer, studying the restorative powers of herbs and plants, and the entire world respected her.

    Except my hometown. We lived far from any respectable place, on a the distant shore, where such mysterious practices were considered to be the domain of lesser people. Her potions and elixirs were effective, to be sure, but the townspeople always regarded us with scorn. During the day, they would turn their backs on us and curse us when we left, but at night, they would sneak out and purchase her wares. Hypocrites. I learned very young to be distrusting.

    Mother was the opposite. She told me that everyone has good within them, but I did not believe her. Oh, mother, how you would recant if you saw me now! But I digress...

    When I was but eight years of age, Mother took ill. She sent for my father, who lived apart from us, and warned me that she may leave me soon. One day, she called me to her bedside, and removed the red ring from her finger. "Jirarudan," she addressed me, "this ring has been in my family for many years, and I want you to have it." She put it gently in my outstretched palm, and smiled weakly. "Jiri, when you feel alone, clutch the ring, and I'll be there."

    My eyes widened in shock. She was dying, and this was her way of telling me. It was no longer a possibility, but a cold fact.

    "Jiri, dear," she continued, "I want you to know something, and carry it with you forever." Her voice was getting fainter, and her eyes drooped shut. I lay down next to her and hugged her. "You've always been my shining star," she whispered.

    "I'll be your angel."

    And with that, she was gone.
    Last edited: Nov 29, 2008
  2. Magnus

    Magnus Rainbow Trainer

    Interesting, very interesting. You don't see many stories with Jirarudan in it. Can't wait for the next chapter.
  3. Blackjack Gabbiani

    Blackjack Gabbiani Clearly we're great!

    I'll probably post the next chapter in another week or so. Thanks for reviewing!
  4. The Great Butler

    The Great Butler Hush, keep it down

    Hey, I like this. I must say I am a fan of the 'diary' style, of having the character telling the story in the first person.

    It's very good. Keep up doing this well, and you'll have a big hit on your hands for sure.
  5. Blackjack Gabbiani

    Blackjack Gabbiani Clearly we're great!

    Yay! I actually have eleven chapters written so far, so I've got a fair amount to work with.

    Thanks for reviewing!
  6. katiekitten

    katiekitten The Compromise

    x.O You wouldn't believe how close I became to becoming a closet reader of this fic. It is very good, but I can't think of anything to say... ^.^;;

    Wells, I am quite enjoying this first chappy! I personally haven't read in any stories about this character, so it will be nice to see your take on him. :) Your history for him was quite well done, in my opinion. Great job!

    Keep up the good work!
  7. Blackjack Gabbiani

    Blackjack Gabbiani Clearly we're great!

    Yeah, there aren't very many fics about him, even fewer that don't make him an unfeeling villian. (granted, he *is* insane, but it's not an evil sort of insane like the IMM or Giovanni)

    Thanks for reviewing!
    Last edited: Jul 1, 2006
  8. Blackjack Gabbiani

    Blackjack Gabbiani Clearly we're great!

    Second chapter! This is the shortest one so far, so don't think I'm slacking off or anything.

    I stayed with her for hours, my young mind unable to comprehend life without her. Finally, I came to the conclusion that it was simply a bad dream, and if I went to sleep, I would awaken in the true world, and she would be there, and everything would be all right. So I curled up and slept for what I later discovered was two days.

    When I awoke, I was in my own bed, and my first reaction was joy. I was right, it was only a dream. But then I heard voices outside my room.

    "He's going to have to live with his father from now on." "Oh yes, the poor thing. But maybe now, he can grow up right."

    If they saw me now, they, too, would recant.

    I curled up into a ball, clutching the ring to my chest. Mother, you told me you'd be there for me. Where were you when I needed you the most? My hands shook, and I choked back sobs, for I feared what would happen if the women outside heard me.

    I spent the night like that, sobbing quietly to myself, with the ring to my heart. Early in the morning, I heard someone at the door. My father had arrived.

    As the door to my room opened, I ducked down into the covers and pretended to be asleep.

    "I can wait," he said. Slowly, I opened my eyes and peeked out. He smiled, and knelt down at the bedside. "Jiri, I'm sorry I wasn't here earlier. My work kept me away until now. I'm just...sorry I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to her."

    "Papa..." was the only word I could say. I tried to hold them back, but the tears flowed freely now. He took me in his arms and stroked the back of my head, whispering softly to me. And only then could I return to sleep.
    Last edited: Nov 29, 2008
  9. Silentvibrava

    Silentvibrava Techno Teen

    Now that is a memorable fanfiction. I have never seen a fanfiction with Jirarudan in it, but I'm glad I finally took the chance to read this.

    This is the sentence that stood out to me the most, very profound.

    I would quote more if there was more to quote, but these chapters are short. My advice to make your story better is to prolong the chapters to at least three pages of Microsoft Word.

    Second, it is a little bit comma happy(You use too many commas). Other than than that your grammar is immaculate.

    I hope this helps your story a little bit. I'll be checking on this story every five days.
  10. Blackjack Gabbiani

    Blackjack Gabbiani Clearly we're great!

    I'll probably update every Friday, actually, but thanks!

    Yeah, back near the beginning all the chapters are really short, since I wrote them on a whim and wasn't sure if I was continuing it or not. But now that I know I am, the chapters are getting longer.
  11. The Great Butler

    The Great Butler Hush, keep it down

    Interesting.....gives him quite an interesting backstory indeed. I see this becoming a very deep fic with a very deep star....

    And Silentvibrava, XD^1 featured him as "Lawrence III" but not written nearly as well as this.
  12. Blackjack Gabbiani

    Blackjack Gabbiani Clearly we're great!


    What's XD^1?
  13. Haunt of the Vile

    Haunt of the Vile Well-Known Member

    Your sig has taunted me for a while so I just had to come and read this xD.
    I'm not very good in giving comments to fan-fics, but I hope you're glad with "I like it much" o_O;; I'm so sorry that I can't give better comment than this ._. but one thing I can say. Your chapters are ridiculously SHORT xD!!

    And, indeed, this is one great phrase.
    Keep it up, pal, and try to make longer chaps, ok ;)?
  14. The Great Butler

    The Great Butler Hush, keep it down

    ^^ XD^1 is my first fanfic, Enigma Shadow.....it was the first in the series of which the fic "The Return of Shadow" belongs to.
  15. Blackjack Gabbiani

    Blackjack Gabbiani Clearly we're great!

    All right.

    And like I said, the later chapters are a lot longer. Of course, for me, "a lot" is a relative term.
  16. Blackjack Gabbiani

    Blackjack Gabbiani Clearly we're great!

    Here's chapter 3, just as I promised. In here, we see more of Jiri's father, and we start to get into Jiri's psyche some more. Next chapter, I have to warn you, doesn't make a lot of sense at the time, but will when more chapters are posted.

    I tried to attend her funeral, which was held in the backyard of our simple home, but I could not bear the sight. My mother, who had been as exuberant and lively as ever just a short time before, being lowered into the ground...it was far too much for me to take. Again, I took refuge in my room, and again I held the ring to my chest.

    Certain rituals, especially to a broken mind, provide comfort. But mine was quickly leading to frustration. She told me she would be there for me. So where was she? I needed her more than ever before and she was not here! Distraught, I pounded the cabinet as hard as I could.

    A flash of gold, and the card fell to the ground.

    I know I said earlier that the Ancient Mew card is my most valued posession. That is because I do not consider the ring to be mine, but rather still belonging to my mother. Even after all these years--lifetimes in themselves--her presence remains with me.

    However, I am positive that, had she lived to see who I am today, she would want nothing to do with me.

    I stared at that card for a long time, not moving to pick it up, just observing it where it lay, taking in all the details. Gradually, my hand crept out to retrieve it; but I was interrupted by my father's entrance to my room.


    I averted my gaze, fixated on the card. But I wasn't looking at it, not really.

    "You know, tomorrow I'm going back to Seafoam...you'll be coming with me..."

    *...mother, where are you? You told me you'd be here...*

    "You may want to say goodbye. The...burial is...already over..."

    *...you didn't lie to me, did you? Mother, you promised me...*

    I didn't hear most of what he said. I managed to catch that he loved me, and that he'd help me gather my things, and that I should say farewell to my friends--foolish man, I have no friends, don't you know that?

    The image of the card was growing fainter, my father's voice more distant. I was withdrawing, and soon I would be gone entirely.

    *...mother, please, I need you now...*
    Last edited: Nov 29, 2008
  17. The Great Butler

    The Great Butler Hush, keep it down

    A little short, but the content makes up for it. I like very much how you're portraying Lawrence (I can't get used to calling him anything but that) in such a different light.
  18. Blackjack Gabbiani

    Blackjack Gabbiani Clearly we're great!

    I must admit, I'm starting to warm to the name Lawrence. I don't know why. But it's that "third" part that gets me, especially since in this fic I've established that his father's name is Corbin. Corbin Lawrence maybe?
  19. The Great Butler

    The Great Butler Hush, keep it down

    I think Lawrence has kind of a regal air to it as a name, which fits him in such that he's not a common crook or thief but a dignified and refined man. I do recall someone mentioning that "Lawrence" means 'crowned with laurel,' so....yeah.
  20. Blackjack Gabbiani

    Blackjack Gabbiani Clearly we're great!

    Which just makes me think of his unfortunate hair.

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