Pikachuu! said:
“Hessa hide the children quick!” shouted a brown haired man. He was rushing around the house frantically, he moved to the front room, and pulled back a little of the curtain. Peering into the night he could see the chaos outside, many people moved around, usually very strange for two thirty in the morning, the house opposite had one window still intact, but that would soon change, the neighbour’s car was up in flames and the yellow and orange flames were enchanting to watch, but their was no time for that. Quickly moving the man moved back into the furthest room on the ground floor.
"Hessa, hide the children, quick!" shouted a brown haired man. He was rushing around the house frantically. He moved to the front room and pulled back a little of the curtain. Peering into the night he could see the chaos outside, many people moved around, unusual for two thirty in the morning. The opposite theirs had one window still intact, but that would soon change. The neighbour's car was up in flames and the yellow and orange flames were enchanting to watch, but there was no time for that. The man quickly moved back into the furthest room on the ground floor.
You have a habit of using run-on sentences. You keep going, only keeping sentences apart by a comma when many should be periods.
It's there, not their. Their is possesive.
I would change 'usually very strange' to 'unusual', seeing as 'usually very strange' implies it's usually very strange, but not now. If you meant that then you would have to elaborate on it.
“What’s happening Danan?” asked a chocolate brown haired woman, she cradled a baby in her arms, she gently rocked him back and forth, the other boy lay peacefully in his cot. The two boys snugly wrapt in their brilliant white clothes, slept peacefully in their resting places, surprising consider the anarchy taking place outside.
"What's happening, Danan?" asked a cocolate brown haired woman, cradling a baby in her arms. She gently rocked him back and forth while the other boy lay peacefully in his cot. The two boys, snugly wrapped in their brilliant white clothes, slept peacefully in their resting places, rather surprising considering the anarchy taking place outside.
I would change 'slept peacefully in their resting places' a bit, since the peacefully is rather redunant. Again, run-on sentences.
“No time for questions, we’ve got to hide the boys” rushed Dave, he moved his head from side to side quickly trying to find a hiding place, somewhere to conceal two small boys. He then realised that he would have to hide one and the other somewhere else, at least this would decrease the chance of both of them being found, “I’ll hide Jerred, you hide Caval quickly!” he ordered. Davan moved swiftly upstairs, his movements could be heard on the creaky floors above, as he rushed from place to place, trying to find a
hideaway for one of his sons.
"No time for questions, we've got to hide the boys," Dave said in a rushed tone. He moved his head from side to side quickly, trying to find a hiding place, somewhere to conceal two small boys. He then realised he would have to hide one here and the other somewhere else, it would decrease the chance of both of them being found.
"I'll hide Jerred, you hide Caval, quickly!" he ordered.
Davan moved swiftly upstairs, his movements could be heard on the creaky floor above as he rushed from place to place, trying to find a hideaway for one of his sons.
Now, is it Danan or Davan/Daven?
The mother moved quickly. But the mother could not find a place for the baby in her arms. She rapidly went from room to room looking for means to conceal her son. Suddenly the front door burst open, the hinges pulled from the frame and the door crashed onto the laminated floor. The mother ignored this and remained adamant about finding a safe place for the precious thing she clutched, she wished that her other son would have been secure in his place, resting peacefully.
The mother moved quickly too, but the mother could not find a place for the baby in her arms. She rapidly went from room to room, looking for means to conceal her son. Suddenly the front foor burst open. The hinges were pulled from the frame and the door crashed onto the laminated floor. The mother ignored this and remained adamant about finding a safe place for the precious thing she clutched. She hoped that her other son was secure in his place, resting peacefully.
Three young men charged into the house, they moved in a pack, like wolves looking for meat. Dressed in red hooded tops with the emblem of a burning flame, stonewashed black trousers and large heavy boots, they stomped in bringing the noise of the outside.
Three young men charged into the house, moving in a pack, like wolves looking for meat. Dressed in red hooded tops with the emblem of a burning flame, stonewashed black trousers and large heavy boots, they stomped in, bringing the noise of the outside with them.
Hessa stopped in front of the group, her stomach lurched and she began feeling weak, but she still found the strength to support the small child in her arms. The three men had very different appearances and by the way they stood a lot could be told of them. The largest in height, stood dominating in the front, had a smirk on his face, he had a cocky air about him. A blonde haired male stood in the back, he looked the youngest, his large blue eyes shook violently as well as his body and it seemed that he was similar to Hessa, he didn’t want to be in the same place as these people. The last of the men, who wore spiky blonde hair and had a sickly pale colour to his skin, observed the place with great admiration, his widened eyes moving from each expensive object to the other, pondering there price.
“Please leave this house, take anything you want, but please don’t hurt me or my baby!” Hessa pleaded, she could feel her eyes swell, as she felt the warm, moist tears forming. Hessa didn’t want to show emotion to the monsters in front of her.
Hessa stopped in front of the group. Her stomach lurched and she began feeling weak, but she still found the strenght to support the small baby in her arms. The three men had very different appearances, and by the way they stood a lot could be told of them. The largest in height stood dominating in the front and had a smirk on his face. He had a cocky air about him. A blonde haired guy stood in the back, he looked the youngest. His large blue eyes shook violently, as well as the rest of his body, and it seemed like he was similar to Hessa, he didn't want to be in the same place as these people. The last of the men, who wore spiky blonde hair and had a sickly pale colour to his skin, observed the place with great admiration. His eyes moved from each expensive object to the other, pondering their price.
"Please leave this house! Take anything you want, but please don't hurt me or my baby!" Hessa pleaded. She could feel her eyes swell and the warm, moist tears forming. Hessa didn't want to show emotion to the monsters in front of them.
These names are ridiculous. What's wrong with Kevin, Alex, Peter?? Also, what's with the 'damsell in distress'? *eyeroll*
His large blue eyes shook? Pardon?
“We were planning to take anything we wanted anyway, but the fact of us hurting your baby or yourself is all a matter of how much you want to help us. Understood?” posed the leading man in the trio. He moved towards the trembling woman. When he had got close enough, he moved his finger down Hessa’s cheek. She retracted quickly, like a reflex. Suddenly a roar came from the entrance of the room. Danan pushed the shaking man to the wall, then whilst the pale skinned man was distracted by a painting on the opposite wall he was hit in the back of the head with Danan’s bare fist. The adrenaline stopped all pain, but he was sure to feel it eventually.
"We were planning to take anything we wanted anyway, but the fact of us hurting your baby, or yourself, is all a matter of how much you want to help us. Understood?" posed the leading man in the trio. He moved towards the trembling woman. When he had gotten close enough he moved his finger down Hessa's cheeck. She retracted quickly, like a reflex.
Suddenly a roar came from the entrence of the room. Danan pushed the shaking man to the wall. Then, whilst the pale skinned man was distracted by a painting on the opposite wall he was hit in the back of the head by Danan's bare fist. The adrenaline stopped all pain, but he was sure to feel it eventually.
So, the pale skinned man didn't hear the roar? Or he just doesn't care that someone's roaring in anger?
Again, this reeks of a 'save the damsell in distress' scene. Which, frankly, gets old.
“LET THEM GO!” howled Danan, his forehead wrinkled with anger and his eyes squinted on the man in front of him.
Let them go!" howled Danan, his forehead wrinkled in anger and he looked at the man in front of him through squinted eyes.
An exclamation point is enough to convey force when speaking.
“Don’t be the hero. Unless you want a bullet in your skull!” informed the dominate standing man. But by the time he had finished his sentence, Danan had already took off. He met the man in the midsection and hit him into the back wall, taking the wind from him. Danan then filled with rage, unleashed a fury of punches on him. Hessa looked at the two men, she moved a distance checking the baby. Meanwhile, the shaking blonde haired teen rose to his feet, his quick thinking took over and he took his gun and shot. The bullet piercing through Daven’s back. A bloody patch appeared around the entry hole. His eyes opened wide, his breath slowly slipping away.
"Don't be the hero. Unless you want a bullet in your skull," informed the dominate standing man. By the time he had finished his sentence, however, Danan had already taken off. His fist met the man in the midsection and hit him into the back wall, taking the wind out of him. Danan, filled with rage, unleashed a fury of punches. Hessa looked at the two men then moved a short distance, checking on the baby. Meanwhile the shaking, blonde haired teen rose to his feet. Quick thinking took over and he took his gun and shot. The bullet pierced through Daven's back. A bloody patch appeared around the entry hole. His eyes opened wide, his breath slowly slipping away.
Hmm, you're switching names again.
Hessa is pretty stupid, isn't she? Instead of trying to help, or paying attention, she only checks up on her kid. While I understand she'd be interested in the wellbeing of her child, she should first check that there's no more danger. Or, get help?
If Danan got shot, then wouldn't it pass through him into the man he was beating the stuffing out of?
He clutched onto the man in front of him, he grabbed at thin air, he just wanted any means to maintain balance on his two legs. Falling to his knees, he turned around to see his wife in a state of shock. She let out a harrowing series of screams. The young boy in her arms balled from being disrupted from his sleep. The teen still holding the smoking gun moved his glance from the dying man to the screaming woman. Then turning the gun, he turned to the woman and pulled the trigger. Bang. She fell on to the couch ahead of her, the baby bouncing of the plump cushions, until it lay, safe and secure. Hessa did not move. She was dead. Murder.
He clutched onto the man in front of him, but he grabbed at thin air. He just wanted any means to maintain balance. Falling to his knees he turned around to see his wife in a state of shock. She let out a harrowing series of screams. The young boy in her arms balled from being distruped in his sleep. The teen, still holding the smoking gun, moved his glance from the dying man to the screaming woman. Turning the gun he turned to the woman and pulled the trigger. Bang. She fell onto the couch in front of her, the baby bouncing off the plump cushions untill it lay there, safe and secure. Hessa did not move. She was dead. Murdered.
“About time!” shouted the beaten man in corner of the room, he raised himself from the floor, feeling the pain of where the punches had connected. As he rose he held his side. He picked up a shard of glass from the floor, then using the reflection as a mirror scuffled with the fringe of his hair.
"About time!" shouted the beaten man in the corner of the room. He raised himself from the floor, feeling the pain of where the punches had connected with his body. As he rose he held his side. He picked up a shard of glass from the floor, then using the reflection of the piece as a mirror. He scuffled with the fringe of his hair.
“All that and I still look good!” he exclaimed in an arrogant tone. He watched the teenager, his eyes fixed upon the woman. She wasn’t moving, but the way his eyes shook, you would have thought she was running back and forth very fast. The gun still in outstretched arms, his finger had not moved from the trigger. The voices in his head began screaming, ‘MURDERER! MURDERER!’
"All that and I still look good!" he exclaimed in an arrogant tone. He watched the teenager. The boy's eyes were fixed upon the woman. She wasn't moving, but the way his eyes
moved you would have thought she was running back and forth very fast. The gun was still in his outstretched arms, his finger had not moved from the trigger.[/i]
The last sentence can't be, seeing as you were looking at the boy from the other man's perspective.
The other man had moved to the couch, he looked at the dazed child. He picked it up from its underarms harshly, the child kicked, but with all its might it could not get from the grasp of the gigantic monster. On first fleeting look the youngster looked nothing but an average child, but as you gazed into its rich emerald green eyes you saw more. They held power, greatness… something that could not be seen from the outside.
The other man had moved to the couch, he looked at the dazed child. He harshly picked it up by its underarms. The child kicked, but with all its might it could not get out of the grasp of the gigantic monster. On first fleeting look the youngster looked like nothing but an average child. If you gazed into its rich emeral green eyes, however, you saw more. They held power, greatness, something that could not be seen from the outside.
If it couldn't be seen from the outside, then how are we seeing this?
I thought you said it was a baby, babies aren't strong enough to kick at men.
That night the bandits moved out of the town, taking with them riches. Many of them, there sacks were full of silver and gold, rubies and sapphires, chains and watches, diamonds and pearls. But as one certain man left the town he had looted the greatest treasure imaginable, a boy. A mere child you ask, but this boy was destined to do great things…
That night the bandits moved out of the town, taking with them various riches. Many of them left, their sacks full of silver and gold, rubies and sapphires, chains and watches, diamonds and pearls. However, as one certain man left the town, he had looted the greatest tresure imaginable. A boy. A mere child, you ask, but this boy was destined to do great things...
Question, what happened to the other kid?
It's all a bit much, a bit cliché and generic. At least, to my taste.
Things to work on:
Characters:
Make good, solid and believable characters with good, solid names.
Sentence structure:
You have a lot of run-on sentences, try to work on that.
There, their:
Their is possesive, while you use there to point out something. Their bag had been placed there on that table.
If you need more help, let me know.
