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One Day, My Heart, I Promise. (PG 13)

Ghostie

Unidentified Ghost
This is a very short and sentimental fan fic I wrote quite some time ago. I also posted it on a different site, but linking is of course, not allowed. So, this is a one shot. Constructive criticism is very welcome. It's rated PG 13 for violence. I think it's kind of mild, but I want to be careful.

-----
The blast roared in Velvet's ears, and she hurtled into space. She wanted to
stay on the ground, but she knew she must keep moving. So she did. Pushing
herself up, she staggered to her feet. Soot was smeared on her face, and her
hair was bedraggled. She grinned wolfishly as she sped away. Perfect.

She didn't even look back at the ruined Pokemon Center. She smelled the
smoke, and she felt the heat in the air. It was a glorious night. She felt
the singed Poke Balls clipped to her belt. The boss would certainly
appreciate this. Her smile deepened, and her narrow red eyes flashed. She
disappeared into the shadows.


Saffron City 8:00 A.M.

It was all over television. The smoking ruins of the Saffron City Pokemon
Center. Blown to bits by a massive explosion. Every channel. Nurse Joy, two
Chansey nurses, fifty Pokemon, killed. Five Pokemon trainers, seriously
injured. Six Pokemon missing. No trace of the perpetrator. City in an
uproar.

Raine stared at the television in disbelief. She had just left the city
three days ago; she was staying in neighboring Celadon City, where she
thought she'd get her next gym badge. “It's a good thing I'm staying here in
the hotel, and not the Pokemon Center. Who KNOWS where they'll strike next!”

“Talking to yourself again?” a voice said from the doorway. Raine glanced
over.

“Yeah, have you seen the news?” she replied.

The young man smiled at her. The intensity of it almost made Raine blush.
“Yes, I saw what happened with the Pokemon Center. You're worried about it,
aren't you?”

Raine frowned. “Well, aren't you?”

“I don't worry about much,” he sighed. “It is really sad, though. Who could
do something like that?”

“Maybe...it was Team Rocket!” Raine speculated.

The man shook his head. “No, they haven't been seen in a long time. I don't
think they even exist anymore.”

Raine fell silent. 'Of course! Everybody says that!' she thought. 'I can't
believe I said something so stupid! He probably thinks I'm a moron...' she
thought. She glanced over at him, and she saw that he wasn't even looking at
her anymore. 'Look at him! All that dark hair, and those blue eyes...' she
thought dreamily.

Suddenly, he turned and looked at her. He looked self conscious. “What?”

Raine's heart started pounding in her chest. “Huh? It's nothing, Robert!
Don't worry about it, okay?”

Robert still had that self conscious look, but he said, “Okay, so...am I
still going with you to the gym?”

Raine nodded. 'THAT was sooo awkward' she thought.


Velvet smiled to herself. It was amazing to see her work on the news. She
knew she was the best Team Rocket Executive that Giovanni had ever had.
Everything had gone incredibly smoothly, and still no one knew that Team
Rocket had revived. As long as she kept this up, she knew she was in no
danger of losing her coveted status in the organization. Her newest orders
had been given to her now, and she was ready to pull off this new job; it
would be the most challenging yet, and it excited her.

“Are you alright?” her thoughts were interrupted by her friend, Danielle, who
was eating breakfast with her at Celadon Cafe.

Velvet looked up at Danielle, a sparkle in her shocking red eyes. She smiled,
and her face became the picture of a fox. Her gold-white mane fell about her
face, making her appear even more unsettling. “Why, whatever do you mean,
Danielle?”

“Sometimes you freak me out!” Danielle whined.

Velvet laughed sonorously. “That's why you love me, isn't it? I have to go.”

“Ooookay, whatever! You owe me like eleven dollars, though!”

“Yeah, yeah, I know Danielle,” Velvet said, brushing her off as she got up.

Velvet's mind was already calculating her next move. Her orders were clear,
but the way the job was carried out was completely up to her. She slipped
into the Pokemon Center and into the restroom. She pulled off her over shirt,
and underneath was her executive rocket uniform shirt. Then, she slipped on
her gloves. Then, she put her hair up so that it wouldn't get in the way. She
was already wearing her uniform pants and boots. She admired herself in the
restroom for a few fleeting moments, and then she slipped out the back
window. 'The security sucks in these Pokemon Centers' she thought laughingly
to herself.

As quiet as a shadow, she made her way to the Celadon City Pokemon Gym.
'Hello, Erika!' she thought.
Raine gasped as the boom shook the ground. She saw the building go up in
flames, but she barely believed her eyes. Suddenly, she felt faint, and
before she knew it Robert was holding her up. In the roar of chaos, she
thought she was dreaming about the shadowy figure slipping away from the
scene. It looked like two people, but Raine couldn't really be sure. In the
hum of people rushing about, the sirens blaring, the reporters swarming, she
couldn't tell what was real. She found herself pulling away from Robert, and
wandering toward the shape. Robert tried to keep up, but he was lost in the
swarm of people. Raine pressed forward, until she was almost certain she was
headed in the direction of the shadow.
Then she felt it.
There was a familiar connection in the air, a mental link that Raine would
never forget, nor let go of. With everything inside of her, she reached out,
she screamed out. Desperately she followed her feeling until she came upon a
tunnel. Blindly she ran, deeper and deeper into the cold darkness she flew.
She knew nothing of her surroundings, the only thing in Raine's existence was
that feeling, that inexplicable connection from the past, beckoning her ever
forward. Finally, she could run no more, and she fell to her knees.
“Velvet!” she gasped. “Here you are...finally...”

And there she was, standing with two executive Rockets, hair singed, Erika
lying unconscious at her feet, a horrified expression on her fox like face.
She stared at her assistants in confusion.
“I...I don't know who she is!” she claimed. “What...?”

Raine looked up, and stared balefully at Velvet. “You don't know me, Velvet?
It's no surprise. But, I do know you. Look at me!”

Velvet shook her head. “I swear to you, I've never seen her before!” she
shrieked at her two assistants.

Raine's eyes flashed. “Four years ago, I found you Velvet. I was living on
Cinnabar Island with my grandparents. They told me never to go into the old
mansion alone, but...I always wondered why. I loved a mystery, and it grew to
be too much for me. The mansion was so old, and creepy...I almost didn't
explore it. But I decided to press on, and when I did, I found the place was
full of old books. They were mostly research books, and I was fascinated by
them. They talked about a man made Pokemon, called “Mewtwo”. I kept going
back to the old mansion every day, looking for more books about this strange
Pokemon. It wasn't long until I learned that this creature was the product of
Team Rocket, and a monster. Then...I found out the biggest secret I wasn't
supposed to know. I had already searched out every upper floor of the
mansion, so I decided it was time I looked in the basement. There was an
entire laboratory hidden there. It was full of test tubes, creepy creatures
behind glass, all that stuff you see in the movies. And that's where I found
you, Velvet. You were hidden in the very back, in a cage. You looked so sad.
I didn't know what they were doing to you, but I knew you didn't want to be
there. I took you Velvet. You were my first Pokemon. My grandparents had no
idea how I got you, but after no one responded to the lost Pokemon add they
put up, they allowed me to keep you. I loved you, and you helped me in many
battles, but then...you wanted me to use a fire stone to help you evolve. You
were gorgeous! I spent many hours that day brushing your fur. I didn't even
put you back in your Poke Ball that night. I couldn't bring myself to it. You
slept beside me. And then...the next day...you were gone. I searched for you
for so long...heck, I still had hope you would come back to me up until now.
But now I see what they did to you, Velvet. I am so, so sorry...”

Velvet stared at the pitiful girl in front of her. 'She's got to be
insane...?' she thought to herself. 'Right?' Velvet racked her brain,
trying to prove to herself that this kid was lying to her. She searched for
something, anything from her life that she could tell this girl about. But
there was nothing. She could remember nothing but working for Team Rocket, a
criminal gang whose agenda is world domination using Pokemon. Velvet turned
to the two executive Rockets who she had been reporting to.
“Tell this nut to back off!” she shouted at them.

Both of them smirked cruelly. “Hmph. I guess we must tell the boss that his
little experiment is a failure!” one of them said lightly.

“What are you saying? I'm not this girl's Pokemon! I have real friends, you
know, that girl...Danielle!” Velvet said.

One of the Rockets laughed out loud. “Danielle? You mean the boss's niece?”

Raine stood up, her legs shaking. “You know, Velvet. You feel our connection.
You can't help it; you're a Ninetales.”
Velvet did. Deep in her core, she remembered. She saw the crater she grew up
in, she saw her family beside her. She saw the men in black suits appearing,
taking her away from her home. She remembered being forced into that metal
contraption, she remembered the horrible needles they stuck into her body,
and she remembered Raine, and her new found happiness.
She turned toward her assistants, a blue flash in her deep red eyes. “What
have you done to me? What have you done to the others?”

The two Rocket's cruel smile returned. “Wouldn't you like to know?” the one
who spoke earlier said. “Too bad neither of you ever will.”

Velvet's face contorted into a snarl. “I have a right to know! I want to know
what you've done to me, to all those other Pokemon! If you don't tell me
right now, I'll kill you both!”

“Don't you understand, Velvet?” Raine said, barely above a whisper. “We're
both dead now. It's all over.”

The Rockets looked at each other. “I'm kind of disappointed you said that
instead of me!” the talkative one said. He shrugged. “Ah well, I can change
the story for the boss. He'll never know.”

Velvet let out an unintelligible yell, and she dove straight for him. He
moved and dodged her easily, and then he pulled his gun.
“Almost too pretty to shoot,” he commented, pulling the trigger.
The gunshot and Raine's scream were almost simultaneous. Velvet fell lifeless
to the floor.
Raine fell to her knees, sobbing uncontrollably.
The next gunshot silenced her.

The Rockets slipped away, taking away the bodies and any other sign that they
were ever there.

10 Years Later

Standing alone at a memorial in Celadon City was a middle aged man. He stared
sadly at a stone slab with this inscription written on it:

WE SHALL ALWAYS REMEMBER THOSE LOST IN TRAGEDY
HERE ON THIS VERY GROUND, WHERE ONCE STOOD CELADON CITY GYM
IN THE EXPLOSION WHICH HAPPENED ON THAT TERRIBLE DAY
SEVERAL INNOCENT TRAINERS WERE KILLED, ONE TRAINER DISAPPEARED AND
ERIKA THE GYM LEADER WAS NEVER FOUND
MAY THESE SOULS LIVE ON FOREVER IN OUR MEMORIES AND HEARTS

The man hugged his tattered coat up to his thin frame, and he ran his index
finger along the words of the memorial. His blue eyes misted, and a few tears
ran down his unshaven, weather worn face. Then, wiping a dirty hand across
his cheek, he whispered to himself, “You WERE my heart.” Then, he turned and
walked slowly away. He knew what he was after, but the world would never
understand. Homeless, and ostracized for his continued persistence, he had
no person he could call a friend. Every person had told him that he must move
on, and forget about the past. But in his heart, he knew that he had to find
the truth about what happened to Raine, no matter the cost. The police had
closed the case long ago, but he never would. As long as he lived, this would
be his purpose. He spent the rest of his days in solitude, searching for his
Raine. And maybe in some way he got what he desired, because every new day he
lived was a rainy one for Robert.

'One day, my heart, I promise.'


THE END
 

Breezy

Well-Known Member
What program did you write this on by chance? I think notepad/wordpad has super funky formatting where it starts a new line when it doesn't need to. It's not necessarily a problem, but it vertically stretches your story longer than it needs to be.

The blast roared in Velvet's ears, and she hurtled into space. She wanted to stay on the ground, but she knew she must keep moving. So she did. Pushing herself up, she staggered to her feet. Soot was smeared on her face, and her hair was bedraggled. She grinned wolfishly as she sped away. Perfect.
I don’t know if that “so she did” is necessary since it’s repeating on the “she must keep moving” line from before. I get what you’re doing but …

That being said, I have no idea what’s going on here. She hurtled into “space” (I assume that’s a fancy, fancy descriptor for the “air above”) in the first sentence, she muses back that she wanted to stay on the ground in the second sentence, but suddenly we’re back on the floor in the third sentence. Did she land? Did she even take off? Is she thinking about “hurtling into space?” And let’s assume that by “pushing herself up” that she’s in the sky and she is “pushing herself” higher. How could she stagger to her feet?

She didn't even look back at the ruined Pokemon Center. She smelled the smoke, and she felt the heat in the air. It was a glorious night. She felt the singed Poke Balls clipped to her belt. The boss would certainly appreciate this. Her smile deepened, and her narrow red eyes flashed. She disappeared into the shadows.
While this paragraph is nice, your sentences seem randomly placed. Why would you insert the “it was a glorious night” line in between lines of description? It would make much more sense before or after all of the smoke, fire, and singed lines.

Your “disappeared into the shadows” line makes me feel like she’s back on the ground, even though the first paragraph tells me that she should be somewhere in the sky … I think. Description and literary devices are nice and fun but you still got to make sure that from a basic standpoint you’re making sense.

It was all over television. The smoking ruins of the Saffron City Pokemon Center. Blown to bits by a massive explosion. Every channel. Nurse Joy, two Chansey nurses, fifty Pokemon, killed. Five Pokemon trainers, seriously injured. Six Pokemon missing. No trace of the perpetrator. City in an uproar.
I like this paragraph. It’s a nice way to get around a huge information dump by condensing it into short, choppy sentences and leaves a mysterious, ominous feeling. Likewise, it seems very “newscast-y” in structure.

“Talking to yourself again?” a voice said from the doorway. Raine glanced over.

“Yeah, have you seen the news?” she replied.

The young man smiled at her. The intensity of it almost made Raine blush. “Yes, I saw what happened with the Pokemon Center. You're worried about it, aren't you?”

Raine frowned. “Well, aren't you?”

“I don't worry about much,” he sighed. “It is really sad, though. Who could do something like that?”

“Maybe...it was Team Rocket!” Raine speculated.
For the most part, your dialogue is natural and fluid, though I wish you spent some time developing the stuff outside of the dialogue. You kind of leave it at just the dialogue, which is fine for certain situations (like in an argument or any other situation where dialogue would be traded back and forth relatively quickly), but since we’re at a pretty slow, contemplative scene, it would have been nice if you did describe some of your character’s actions. I’m sure you know that people do respond to other people through other non-vocal means, like facial expressions, eye movement or fidgeting. People pause to think. People do stuff while they talk.

Raine fell silent. 'Of course! Everybody says that!' she thought. 'I can't believe I said something so stupid! He probably thinks I'm a moron...' she thought. She glanced over at him, and she saw that he wasn't even looking at her anymore. 'Look at him! All that dark hair, and those blue eyes...' she thought dreamily.
You have a lot of “she thought” tags when you only need the first one and possibly the last one.

Suddenly, he turned and looked at her. He looked self conscious. “What?”
You’re telling, not showing. What do you look like when you look “self-conscious”? That could be a huge variety of things. I, for example, happen to tug on my necklace when I’m antsy. Other people may bite at their nails. Others may tug at their hair. Others may look away. And so on, and so forth.

Raine's heart started pounding in her chest. “Huh? It's nothing, Robert! Don't worry about it, okay?”
I do like Raine’s quick defense here. =P You do great building up Raine’s awkwardness around Robert as she tries to hide her feelings for him.

Velvet laughed sonorously.
What? Is that a word you use every day? o_O For the most part, your vocabulary is rather natural and common (this isn’t a bad thing), so this word is kind of … out there. Why not just use “loudly” or something?

Velvet's mind was already calculating her next move. Her orders were clear, but the way the job was carried out was completely up to her. She slipped into the Pokemon Center and into the restroom.
The transition from Celadon Café to Pokemon Center is a little fast here. Of course you don’t need to describe the boring walk from point A to point B, but I feel like you could have inserted a better transitional line that illustrated that we went from point A to point B.

She pulled off her over shirt, and underneath was her executive rocket uniform shirt. Then, she slipped on her gloves. Then, she put her hair up so that it wouldn't get in the way. She was already wearing her uniform pants and boots. She admired herself in the restroom for a few fleeting moments, and then she slipped out the back window.
You have two sentences in a short space of time that start with “then.” It makes it a little obvious that you’re trying to push through the character description. I feel like you could have worked with this bit a little better so you’re not just dumping a bunch of description on us readers. You do well incorporating description with movement so your story keeps moving, but here it falls sort of stagnant.

As quiet as a shadow, she made her way to the Celadon City Pokemon Gym. 'Hello, Erika!' she thought.
Eh I don’t get all these scene changes? Why didn’t she change in the café? Or why did she go to the pokemon center just to change?

a horrified expression on her fox like face.
Put a hyphen between “fox” and “like.” Without it sounds like you’re saying there’s a horrified expression on someone’s fox at first.

Raine looked up, and stared balefully at Velvet. “You don't know me, Velvet? It's no surprise. But, I do know you. Look at me!”

Velvet shook her head. “I swear to you, I've never seen her before!” she shrieked at her two assistants.
You didn’t illustrate that Velvet’s assistants are appalled/freaked out/confused by Raine’s appearance, so I don’t see why Velvet would be shrieking. You don’t go into heavy description, like I said earlier, but you do need to indicate what’s going on outside your characters so we know why they may be reacting in a certain way.

Raine's eyes flashed. “Four years ago, I found you Velvet. I was living on Cinnabar Island with my grandparents. They told me never to go into the old mansion alone… They talked about a man made Pokemon, called “Mewtwo”. … My grandparents had no idea how I got you, but after no one responded to the lost Pokemon add they put up, they allowed me to keep you. … I searched for you for so long...heck, I still had hopeyou would come back to me up until now. But now I see what they did to you, Velvet. I am so, so sorry...”
Grammatically, there should be a comma between “you” and “Velvet” in the first line. “Mewtwo” should be in single quotation marks (‘Mewtwo’). “Add” should be “ad” and “hopeyou” needs a space between it.

No one talks for this long without getting some reaction from the other person, even if it’s not vocally, and for the most part, people do somehow interrupt to a point they may disagree with or find insane. Velvet had no reaction to the crazy, rambling girl in front of her, even if it’s just an eyebrow raise or a snicker or a shake of the head or anything? It might also help slow down this thought train down; we kind of fly through important background detail because you just did it in one huge go.

Velvet did.
That … doesn’t tell us much about how she suddenly felt the connection even though earlier she couldn’t feel anything. I can kind tell you were going for a flood of memories approach, but I think you could have made the sudden realization a little more powerful.

Velvet let out an unintelligible yell, and she dove straight for him. He moved and dodged her easily, and then he pulled his gun.

“Almost too pretty to shoot,” he commented, pulling the trigger.

The gunshot and Raine's scream were almost simultaneous. Velvet fell lifeless to the floor.
Raine fell to her knees, sobbing uncontrollably.

The next gunshot silenced her.
I really like how you wrote this part. It’s not gory and doesn’t have to rely on such to be powerful. For the most part, you know how to write and choose specific words to make a scene snappy but shocking.

Anyway, I did enjoy this. It’s intriguing, and I like how you played with Velvet’s weird descriptions that also could have worked as human descriptions but, once you realized that she was (or is?) a ninetales, the description makes much more sense. I actually was gonna comment on that description scene where you described Velvet’s eyes as shockingly red and her hair as a “mane of white-gold hair” because it seemed really off-putting. But once I got to that alley scene, it made sense. The ending wasn’t so much sad as it was empty; I’m not sure which one you were going for. If you wanted a sadder scene, I think you should have built up on Raine’s and Robert’s relationship. If you wanted empty, I think it works fine as it is. I did like your play on “Raine” though and how it’s always a “rainy day” for Robert. It’s a little corny, sure, but it’s cute. =P

My only problem is I have no idea what Team Rocket’s mission was. Team Rocket isn’t just a gang of people that try to cause destruction; they are all about profit. What profit would they get blowing up a pokemon center and a gym and by killing people purposefully? If they were trying to steal the pokemon there and HAD to destroy the scene of the crime then that would make more sense. They’re not about senseless destruction. I also don’t get what really happened to Velvet. She was a pokemon, but I can’t tell if she was still a pokemon at the end (I’m going to assume no if she can go around and act human without anyone really noticing her). Why would Team Rocket would want to make human-pokemon hybrids?

I totally didn’t see that Velvet as a ninetales thing coming. And again, the death scene was executed well. You could spend a little more time working on your transitions between scenes so they’re not so blunt or confusion, though. Likewise, you tend to “tell” instead of “show” when it comes to emotions (as exampled above). For the most part, you do have a creative premise, and you’re a pretty solid writer as well.
 
Last edited:

NinjaScepSneasel

Reviewer and writer
Doh, Breezy probably already covered everything knowig her, but I will do a short review anyway. As Breezy said, there was sone dodgy formatting thing that made it really quote difficult for me to read. I suggest you get it fixed. Anyway, onto the writing. The style was qute interesting. There were a few things you could do to improve. Remember to describe places and what pokémon look like. I know it is temptig not to, but don't just presume that ereryone knows what all the pokémon and places are. Your granmer was done well as far ad I could see. You needed to add more emotional stuff in thoguh, like Breezy said.

It was the plot that I found wierd. What on earth were Team Rocket Blowing up pokémon centres for anyway? And what were they doing with hybrids? They may be criminals, but that doesn't make them ruthlessly evil. I don't think that they would enjoy of want to kill loads of random people. And I didn't really like the death scene as ot seemed unrealistic and a bit rushed.

Anyway, it wasn't as bad as I've been making out, but I found it hard to read through properly with the dodgy spacing. The writing style was good, but you need better plot explaination. And if you are doing a one shot, I think yu have to put one shot in the title.
 

Rediamond

Middle of nowhere
Well, Breezy stole everything I had to say

This is why I seldom review anything that Breezy has already gotten too, but I'm in a reviewing mood today, so why not?

If there is one, underlying problem you have, it is that the story is rushed. You transition one scene to another without much of a hint that the story has changed scenes, and things just happen without any explanation earlier in the story. First off, as you are trying to cover quite a bit in a one-shot, it's forgivable. However, it's still a problem that can be addressed. You are the author. You know why something happens, and when. We are readers. We don't. You have to show us the scene changing, and explain what occured. Taking up time and space isn't always a bad thing if it serves a purpose.

The scene where Velvet's past is revealed seemed kind of 'information dump'-ish, but I don't really see how that could've been avoided, as this is a one-shot.

Overall, I thought that the concept was very interesting, and I liked how you did certain things. Breezy beat me to pretty much everything else, so I'm going to stop here.
 
What program did you write this on by chance? I think notepad/wordpad has super funky formatting where it starts a new line when it doesn't need to. It's not necessarily a problem, but it vertically stretches your story longer than it needs to be.

I don’t know if that “so she did” is necessary since it’s repeating on the “she must keep moving” line from before. I get what you’re doing but …

That being said, I have no idea what’s going on here. She hurtled into “space” (I assume that’s a fancy, fancy descriptor for the “air above”) in the first sentence, she muses back that she wanted to stay on the ground in the second sentence, but suddenly we’re back on the floor in the third sentence. Did she land? Did she even take off? Is she thinking about “hurtling into space?” And let’s assume that by “pushing herself up” that she’s in the sky and she is “pushing herself” higher. How could she stagger to her feet?

While this paragraph is nice, your sentences seem randomly placed. Why would you insert the “it was a glorious night” line in between lines of description? It would make much more sense before or after all of the smoke, fire, and singed lines.

Your “disappeared into the shadows” line makes me feel like she’s back on the ground, even though the first paragraph tells me that she should be somewhere in the sky … I think. Description and literary devices are nice and fun but you still got to make sure that from a basic standpoint you’re making sense.

I like this paragraph. It’s a nice way to get around a huge information dump by condensing it into short, choppy sentences and leaves a mysterious, ominous feeling. Likewise, it seems very “newscast-y” in structure.

For the most part, your dialogue is natural and fluid, though I wish you spent some time developing the stuff outside of the dialogue. You kind of leave it at just the dialogue, which is fine for certain situations (like in an argument or any other situation where dialogue would be traded back and forth relatively quickly), but since we’re at a pretty slow, contemplative scene, it would have been nice if you did describe some of your character’s actions. I’m sure you know that people do respond to other people through other non-vocal means, like facial expressions, eye movement or fidgeting. People pause to think. People do stuff while they talk.

You have a lot of “she thought” tags when you only need the first one and possibly the last one.

You’re telling, not showing. What do you look like when you look “self-conscious”? That could be a huge variety of things. I, for example, happen to tug on my necklace when I’m antsy. Other people may bite at their nails. Others may tug at their hair. Others may look away. And so on, and so forth.

I do like Raine’s quick defense here. =P You do great building up Raine’s awkwardness around Robert as she tries to hide her feelings for him.

What? Is that a word you use every day? o_O For the most part, your vocabulary is rather natural and common (this isn’t a bad thing), so this word is kind of … out there. Why not just use “loudly” or something?

The transition from Celadon Café to Pokemon Center is a little fast here. Of course you don’t need to describe the boring walk from point A to point B, but I feel like you could have inserted a better transitional line that illustrated that we went from point A to point B.

You have two sentences in a short space of time that start with “then.” It makes it a little obvious that you’re trying to push through the character description. I feel like you could have worked with this bit a little better so you’re not just dumping a bunch of description on us readers. You do well incorporating description with movement so your story keeps moving, but here it falls sort of stagnant.

Eh I don’t get all these scene changes? Why didn’t she change in the café? Or why did she go to the pokemon center just to change?

Put a hyphen between “fox” and “like.” Without it sounds like you’re saying there’s a horrified expression on someone’s fox at first.

You didn’t illustrate that Velvet’s assistants are appalled/freaked out/confused by Raine’s appearance, so I don’t see why Velvet would be shrieking. You don’t go into heavy description, like I said earlier, but you do need to indicate what’s going on outside your characters so we know why they may be reacting in a certain way.

Grammatically, there should be a comma between “you” and “Velvet” in the first line. “Mewtwo” should be in single quotation marks (‘Mewtwo’). “Add” should be “ad” and “hopeyou” needs a space between it.

No one talks for this long without getting some reaction from the other person, even if it’s not vocally, and for the most part, people do somehow interrupt to a point they may disagree with or find insane. Velvet had no reaction to the crazy, rambling girl in front of her, even if it’s just an eyebrow raise or a snicker or a shake of the head or anything? It might also help slow down this thought train down; we kind of fly through important background detail because you just did it in one huge go.

That … doesn’t tell us much about how she suddenly felt the connection even though earlier she couldn’t feel anything. I can kind tell you were going for a flood of memories approach, but I think you could have made the sudden realization a little more powerful.

I really like how you wrote this part. It’s not gory and doesn’t have to rely on such to be powerful. For the most part, you know how to write and choose specific words to make a scene snappy but shocking.

Anyway, I did enjoy this. It’s intriguing, and I like how you played with Velvet’s weird descriptions that also could have worked as human descriptions but, once you realized that she was (or is?) a ninetales, the description makes much more sense. I actually was gonna comment on that description scene where you described Velvet’s eyes as shockingly red and her hair as a “mane of white-gold hair” because it seemed really off-putting. But once I got to that alley scene, it made sense. The ending wasn’t so much sad as it was empty; I’m not sure which one you were going for. If you wanted a sadder scene, I think you should have built up on Raine’s and Robert’s relationship. If you wanted empty, I think it works fine as it is. I did like your play on “Raine” though and how it’s always a “rainy day” for Robert. It’s a little corny, sure, but it’s cute. =P

My only problem is I have no idea what Team Rocket’s mission was. Team Rocket isn’t just a gang of people that try to cause destruction; they are all about profit. What profit would they get blowing up a pokemon center and a gym and by killing people purposefully? If they were trying to steal the pokemon there and HAD to destroy the scene of the crime then that would make more sense. They’re not about senseless destruction. I also don’t get what really happened to Velvet. She was a pokemon, but I can’t tell if she was still a pokemon at the end (I’m going to assume no if she can go around and act human without anyone really noticing her). Why would Team Rocket would want to make human-pokemon hybrids?

I totally didn’t see that Velvet as a ninetales thing coming. And again, the death scene was executed well. You could spend a little more time working on your transitions between scenes so they’re not so blunt or confusion, though. Likewise, you tend to “tell” instead of “show” when it comes to emotions (as exampled above). For the most part, you do have a creative premise, and you’re a pretty solid writer as well.

I know this is very old, and I am so sorry it took me this long to reply; I forgot all about this site until just recently. But I just happened to stumble on this yesterday while searching google for my own writing. I HAVE to respond to this because you took the time to actually analyze my writing, and I am so grateful, you don't even know.
1) About the program I used: I just used OpenOffice. I think the problem happened because I just tried to directly copy and paste it into my post.
2) You're probably right; I didn't need that line.
3) About not knowing what's going on...I suppose I probably thought that the reader would just assume that she fell to the ground, because...you know...gravity? But you're right, it would have been better had I actually SAID she hit the ground.
4) I did not even realize that the paragraph seemed random like that. This is what happens when you don't edit things. -_-
5) I'm glad you like my newscast paragraph! :D
6) You're right about the dialogue between Robert and Raine. I should have fleshed that part out more. The thing is, when I write things that are going to be longer, I actually DO make people do things while they talk.
7) What did Robert look like when he was self conscious?...noted
8) About using sonorous...I don't know. It just seemed like the appropriate word for how her laugh sounded in my mind. I get what you're explaining to me, but I don't know...'loudly' wouldn't have worked for me.
9) Celadon cafe transition was too fast? Eh, you're right. I should have put more into that.
10) The description...you nailed that part. I don't like describing clothing, and it showed. And she didn't change in the cafe because her friend wasn't supposed to know she is part of TR, and if she just disappeared into the bathroom or something and didn't come back, that would have been really odd, you know? She went to the PC because it was close and the security is lax, so she could easily slip out without anyone noticing. But...I could have clarified that in the story lol
11) Fox-like...gotcha
12) More lacking description *sigh*
13) Typos and grammatical errors, mehhhhhh *embarrassing*
14) About the story of how she found Velvet...you know how in movies, someone will start talking, and then the scene shifts to whatever they're telling you about? I was going for that, but I must not have conveyed it well. I'll try to make things like that clearer in the future.
15) Sudden realization part needs more oomph, got it.
16) I was going for empty. Empty's good.

About TR's mission, I was making them a lot more like the TR of the manga, and they were quite a lot more evil than they are in the games or television show...and I'm sure I had a reason for what they were doing back when I wrote this (in fact I'm sure I did) but I don't remember it now, which only adds to YOUR point. *sigh*
But I do know why they were experimenting on humans. It was for the same reason they created Mewtwo. They were trying to make a human-Pokemon hybrid which they could control and use as a weapon....but I didn't tell you that in this story, and I should have.

Anyway, thank you SO MUCH for this constructive criticism. It seems that too few people know how to do this correctly these days, and I'm frankly surprised anyone did this for me. :D
EDIT: And I am ghostie, I just forgot my password. ._.'
 
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