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(One Shot Fan Fic) Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: The Legend of the Sableye

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Srossics, Jul 2, 2016.

  1. Srossics

    Srossics New Member

    There is quite a bit of violence and blood. Take caution with reading.

    Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: The Legend of the Sableye

    Quickly surveying the battlefield Phanpy noticed Pidgeotto diving for Riolu; both wings stretched out for an Air Cutter. “Riolu, watch behind you! Pidgeotto is preparing an Air Cutter.” Riolu quickly dodged the attack and slammed his fist into the bird attacking with an Ice Punch, doing massive damage to it. Phanpy then began charging at Pidgeotto with his forehead for a Headbutt, but missed because the bird managed to fly up into the air seconds before contact was made. Pidgeotto tried for another Air Cutter, this time aiming for Phanpy. He tried to dodge the wing, swerving left and right, but got hit with full force, knocking him down onto the ground. Riolu ran over to Phanpy to help him up. “Are you alright? That looked like it really hurt.” He asked.
    “Don’t worry, I’m alright.” Phanpy said, struggling to stand. Not two seconds had passed when they were blindsided by Pidgeotto, and Phanpy was attacked again. Phanpy was on his last breath, inching closer and closer to death. Filled with rage, Riolu jumped high up into the air, coated his fist with ice and punched Pidgeotto as hard as he possibly could, freezing the bird, knocking him to the ground, and knocking him out. “We better leave here, you’re not doing well.” Riolu said. Phanpy nodded in agreement, and they quickly left; headed straight for Wigglytuff’s Guild.

    It took them a while to get home, but Riolu had an unwavering smile stuck on his face, knowing his one and only partner was safe. He began to think of the first adventure the two of them had ever gone on and nearly died doing. A Kadabra’s spoon was taken by a thieving gang of Sableye. The Sableye thought that the spoon would be filled with magical powers, and give them new powers they never could have imagined; they were wrong, but had no idea, so they went to their lair deep inside the Hidden Cave to mess around with the spoon.

    Phanpy and Riolu were assigned this task by Chatot, Wigglytuff’s right hand man, and intelligence head of the guild. There was no information other than Kadabra’s spoon was stolen by these Sableye. No one had any Idea that the Sableye were Pokémon eating monsters of the dark. All they knew was that they had to find their lair, which they did by asking around town. No one had ever heard of the thieving Sableye, except for a lone Glalie passing through the town on an arduous journey for self-discovery. He walked them over to the cave and told them the Sableye were deep inside. Riolu and Phanpy thanked Glalie, and walked in fear stricken.

    The cave was pitch black and awfully cold, and Phanpy could sense Riolu trembling. Phanpy put his snout on Riolu’s shoulder and said, “Don’t worry Riolu, it is alright to be scared, I am too.” They both walked deep into the cave hesitantly.

    They wandered around the cave for hours, taking every turn they could, meeting dead end after dead end. They could not find the Sableye at all, and they were starting to get discouraged when suddenly Riolu heard the faintest noise in his left ear. “Did you say something Phanpy?” He asked.
    “No,” Phanpy said, “that wasn’t me.”
    “Then who-“Before Riolu could finish his thought a mysterious figure shrouded in shadows clawed him in the back. He turned around quickly, but the figure disappeared back into the darkness. He then began to swing his fists around wildly trying to hit it, but instead hit Phanpy.
    “Watch out Riolu! You hit me. Don’t swing your fists around like a crazy person.” Phanpy said in a fit of rage.

    “I’m sorry Phanpy, I didn’t mean to hit you.” He replied. Just then Phanpy was clawed in the back. He let out a shriek in pain. Riolu quickly checked on Phanpy, but the shadowy figure appeared from the shadows between Riolu and Phanpy.
    “What are you doing in our cave? We Sableye live here to get away from Pokémon like you. You both are way too happy for our own good.” It hissed at them.

    “We want Kadabra’s spoon you stole!” Riolu said demandingly.
    Phanpy tried for a headbutt on the Sableye, but just passed right through, hitting a rock square on the head.
    “You fool. We are ghost type Pokémon. Your petty normal type attacks will do us no harm.” It spat.
    “No they won’t.” Another Sableye said appearing from the shadows across the room.
    “You’d be foolish to think you could stop us. We have been chased for years by the best explorers of all time. The great Scizor; he was killed by our hands. Weavile was done in by us as well. We even killed Garchomp; the one who defeated Heatran. Our fury has no bounds. We can, and we will show you their dead, lifeless, and decimated bodies.” Said the third, and presumably last Sableye. Against their will, Phanpy and Riolu were dragged deep into the cave. The scent of rotting bodies was getting fouler by the second. They finally reached a stopping point at the end of the cave. The first Sableye snapped its fingers and a faint light glowed from the ceiling. The first Sableye began to tell Phanpy and Riolu the stories of how they killed each Pokémon, while the other two Sableye gripped their heads with an iron grip and pointed them at the mangled, bloody, and barely recognizable bodies. As they were hearing about how Weavile was killed Riolu began to cry.

    “Too tough for you crybaby?” Said the Sableye gripping his head. He then turned Riolu’s head around and clawed his face hard.
    After a few minutes of gut-wrenching stories of how ruthless these Sableye are they were let go, only to be prepared for their own death.
    “You see, we like telling our victims how we have defeated each mighty opponent of ours with every last detail, because today is the day you die, just like them.” The leader of the Sableye said. Phanpy and Riolu turned to run away, but could not find the way out. They took every passage they could, only leading them deeper and deeper into the cave, seeing the rotting bodies of hundreds, if not thousands of other Pokémon killed by these insane Sableye. They knew they could not rest, or they would be killed in a matter of seconds. Phanpy fell on the ground, panting from exhaustion.

    “Phanpy, come on! You need to get up, we are going to die if you don’t.” Riolu said. Phanpy tried to stand up, but to no avail. The Sableye were already standing face to face with Phanpy and Riolu. “Trying to outrun us? How cute; you think you have a chance.” Said the Sableye leader. “Separate them you two.” It barked. Then Phanpy and Riolu were separated from each other, each fearing this would be the last time they would ever see their partner.

    “I am going to enjoy killing you, then eating some of your flesh.” The Sableye said to Riolu.
    “Why do you do this?” Riolu asked.
    “I do this for fun. You think our kind would enjoy being seen in the light of day? Fat chance.” He retorted.
    “You just have to trust other Pokémon to treat you decently. The only reason Phanpy and I are even here is just to get back an item you stole from a Pokémon.” Riolu replied. A second later Sableye placed a Heratic’s fork around Riolu’s neck, and hung him upside down from a pole high up in the cave.
    “I’ll be back in a while. You just sit tight.” Sableye said, laughing manically as he left Riolu alone.

    Riolu was left alone, strapped to the device that would surely end up killing him, not to mention all the blood rushing to his head. He tried to squirm and wriggle his way out of the rope, but he was stuck. He could not move an inch. He began to nod off. He tried to keep his head back while blood was rushing to it, but it was too painful and tiring for him to bear, so he let his head fall forward, piercing both his chest and neck. He began screaming because the pain was so intense. His neck was squirting out blood like a faucet; strong and continuous.
    “I’m back.” Sableye said. He noticed Riolu gasping for life with blood rushing out of his body, and slowly walked over to check on it. He removed the fork and put a bandage on each cut.
    “What a shame. I was not here to instigate your demise, so I will save you this time. Do not make me save you again.” He said. Riolu couldn’t hear him because he was nearly gone. Inches from death, and he fainted.

    Riolu eventually came to, with Sableye standing watch over him.
    “Good morning.” Sableye hissed. “Enjoying all the blood undoubtedly rushing to your head? I know I would. It makes me feel splendid to know what pain you are in. If you were to die I would have no one left to torture because I tortured your friend to death. It was a real pity; he was the best torture victim I have ever seen. He just screamed and screamed; it was exquisitely arousing.”

    Riolu couldn’t hold it in any longer and began to cry. Phanpy had always been his best friend ever since the day they hatched, and now knowing he is dead just because this Sableye seemed to get some sort of sick sexual pleasure from torturing innocent pokémon was too much. Just as suddenly as the tears began, anger began swelling in him. He was getting so viciously angry that he used bulk up and broke the ropes that were tied around his feet and arms, and he fell to the floor. Without missing a beat he used ice punch, iron tail, poison jab, and bullet punch, which knocked Sableye out. Just then Riolu’s hand started turning black, almost as if it were coated in a black mist. He was frightened, but he took a second and thought that he might’ve been learning shadow claw so he tested it out on the Sableye. It connected and let a sea of blood rush out of Sableye’s back, and before he could even blink he knew that he had killed Sableye.

    He then ran. He couldn’t see where he was going, so he began bumping into the walls, but out of the corner of his right eye he could see a faint glow in the distance so he followed it, hoping that it would be the exit to the cave. It was not. Instead, it looked like the room they were holding Phanpy in. He slowly walked around the room inspecting it to see if he could find any remains of his late friend, to no avail.

    As he was walking out of the room he heard a faint noise echo softly off of the walls in the room, so he began searching frantically to see if he could find it. He saw some boxes in the corner so he tried to move them, but they were too heavy for him to lift. He inspected one of the box to see if he could open it and he noticed air holes on the top. He very carefully hit the box with his iron tail and broke the lid. Inside was Phanpy, barely hanging on a thread. “Phanpy, are you okay? I thought you were dead.” He paused to let Phanpy reply, but he couldn’t reply. He was too badly hurt.

    “I’m going to get you out of here. I don’t know if you can hear me, but I need to carry you. That’s the only way out. I’ll try to be careful, but if I see any of the Sableye then I will run.” He grabbed Phanpy’s head with his right hand and let his lower back and butt rest in his right hand and began slowly looking for the exit. He looked left, going up and down long corridors, but nothing was there. He looked right and found a couple ways to go and took one. There he met face to face with one of the Sableye. He turned around to run away, but the Sableye grabbed him, turned him around and used psychic which made Riolu drop Phanpy and knock himself onto the ground.

    “Riolu, Phanpy, are you here?” A voice called out from the distance. “Don’t you know flash Glalie? If so, use it. We need to find Riolu and Phanpy.”
    “Yeah, just hang on a second.” Said the pokémon. A moment passed and the cave was fully illuminated as if all the walls were see through.
    “Hey, I don’t know if you are friendly or not, but I am over here. Follow the sound of my voice!” Riolu shouted. Phanpy winced because the sound of Riolu shouting hurt his ears. Riolu saw that Phanpy winced and whispered, “I am really sorry Phanpy, I know you are in pain, but if we want to make it out of here we need to let these pokémon that used flash know we are here, and still alive.”

    After a few minutes of shouting the pokémon came over and it turns out that it was Glalie and Flareon, a senior guild member. “What happened?” Flareon asked.
    “The Sableye tortured us and nearly killed Phanpy.” Riolu replied.
    “Let’s get out of here, put Phanpy on my back and we will head to the hospital to get both of you taken care of. You both seem to have taken a lot of damage.”

    So along the way Riolu gave an account of what happened down to the last detail. Afterword he just stopped walking and began crying. Flareon nudged his nose into Riolu’s stomach in a caring manner, and a moment later they continued walking.

    Once they got into the hospital everyone from the guild came in one-by-one and Riolu gave his account of what happened. And after staying in the hospital for a month, both Riolu and Phanpy were released and began the rest of their journey as members of the guild.

    However, in the frantic-ness of the moment Riolu and Phanpy didn’t get Kadabra’s spoon. They were chewed out by Chatot, but they took the punishment, no food for the rest of the day, because they weren’t eager to return to the Hidden Cave anytime soon.
     
  2. Negrek

    Negrek Lost but Seeking

    Hey, welcome to the forums! It's interesting that your first post is a PMD one-shot; for whatever reason, we don't get a lot of those, even though a "single mission" short story format like you did here works quite well, I think.

    You really jump right into the action on this one, which is great! In the end, though, I'm not sure what the first couple paragraphs do for the story--they're basically framing everything that has to do with the kadabra's spoon as a retelling, but ultimately I feel like you could have started straight off with them getting their mission, or already in the process of looking for the sableye, and it would work at least as well. When we get to the end of the story, I'm still not sure why Phanpy and Riolu were fighting a pidgeotto!

    And you definitely weren't kidding about the blood and violence. This is a really action-packed story with plenty of peril to go around. I think you do a good job of making things difficult for the characters, really giving a good sense of the peril they're in and adding a good amount of drama to the mission. What I'd like to see is a little more of the characters' feelings and reactions to what's going on around them. For example, focusing on how scared and alone Riolu feels during the torture scene would make it feel a lot more tense and horrible. What's he thinking about while he's strapped into those restraints? Fearing for his life? Trying to focus on the positives? Worrying about Phanpy? How does it actually, physically feel to be so close to death? Is his vision fading, his body going numb? Is it just all-over painful? Blood squirting everywhere can be gross, but what tends to really elevate the horror is the more visceral sense of just what the victim's going through as they're being injured. Indeed, going too big with blood and bodies everywhere and so on can backfire and seem silly. Just one well-placed corpse, and even just a little bit of blood, can ultimately be more frightening than a lot of either if the atmosphere's handled right.

    A couple of quick style/formatting notes. You're splitting paragraphs up according to who's speaking, but not putting space between them and the following paragraph. You should always double space between paragraphs--it stops things from getting clotted up into hard-to-read chunks.

    So instead of this:

    Something like this is much more readable:

    Also, the dialogue itself isn't always punctuated correctly. When you follow a piece of dialogue with a "tag" like "he said" or "she replied," you should end the dialogue on a comma instead of a period, and the first word of the tag should be lower case. Here's how those paragraphs ought to look, with changes in bold:

    Dialogue punctuation rules can be tricky at times, but there are plenty of comprehensive guides out on the internet; take this one, for example.

    Finally, don't forget to spellcheck! You have Riolu put in a Heratic's fork, but what you actually want is heretic's fork. A spellcheck would have zapped that non problem, and you definitely don't want typos in important words like that.

    Riolu and Phanpy's escape felt a little easy to me. Part of the issue is that you've set these sableye up as people who've literally slaughtered hundreds of pokémon, some of them world renown for their abilities, so the idea that one of them would be blindsided by a wounded riolu, whether or not they knew shadow claw, seemed a bit unrealistic. (Also, the shadow claw makes the sableye bleed? Ghosts bleed?) Also, if a single bulk up was enough to break Riolu's bonds, I'm surprised he didn't manage to escape much earlier. At the end, Riolu runs into a sableye that uses psychic on him, but then it apparently disappears and no sableye are mentioned for the rest of the story. I'm not clear how they got away from that last guy, or managed to walk out of the place in general, seeing as there still should have been plenty of ghosts around.

    Also, they're literally tortured and almost die in the course of the mission, but Chatot chews them out over not getting the spoon anyway? Harsh. No food for the rest of the day must seem like a kind of a ridiculous punishment to them, after what they've been through.

    I did like the way you portrayed the relationships between the different characters in this story. You could really get a sense that Riolu and Phanpy care a lot about each other as partners from the way they have each other's backs in battle to how determined Riolu is to rescue Phanpy. The bit near the end where Riolu apologizes to Phanpy for the light is especially sweet. The little nose-bump at the end with the flareon was really cute, too, and gives a lot of color to Flareon even though they're an incredibly minor character. Little details do a ton for establishing the characters and livening up the story.

    Anyway, this was a nice intro to what feels like it could be a lot of stories about this particular rescue team. Not sure if you intend to write more, but you've certainly left room to. You're doing a nice job with the action and character interactions, but I think a little more focus on the details of how the characters feel and react to things would give the story a bit more oomph. Again, welcome to the forums, and I hope to see more from you in the future!
     
  3. Srossics

    Srossics New Member

    Thank you for the feedback. I never really write too much, but one day a few months ago I had this idea and began writing. I ended up putting it aside for a while because I got busy doing other things and just got back to it a few days ago. (I don't know if I'll be continuing to write for Phanpy and Riolu, but I might if I have free time. I don't inherently plan to at the moment.)

    I apologize for the little grammar and spelling mistakes (punctuating dialogue is hard for me), and I certainly will space the dialogue out.

    And as for getting them getting away, you're right, it is rushed and not clear. I apologize and I will fix that. I will also change some details (like ghosts bleeding (because now that you mention it it does seem ridiculous) and one bulk up breaking the rope (again, pure ridiculous-ness)) and just make it more heart pounding. It is not easy writing something like this, but I enjoy it and am happy to hear what you thought went well, and what didn't, and even some basic formatting and grammar mistakes.

    And as for Chatot chewing them out; of course he would. They spent a month at the hospital prior to returning to the guild, so they were well rested and (mostly) healed, and Chatot cares more about the guild's well being than the member's well being, and losing the reward from getting Kadabra's spoon back is painful to Chatot.
     

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