Oore the mysterious region...

[tanhony]

my fanfic...
prolouge
Deep within the silent deserts of Oore was a small labatory....
as The two security guards sipped there cups of coffee,the alarm went off,
and a dark figure with a cloak and hood walked through the door.
Its face was shrouded by the hood, the two guards called there pokemon solrock and lunatone to the scene, the figure pointed at the guards and suddenly a charmeleon was by Its side "smokescreen,now!" the figure shouted,smoke filled the room and when it dissapeared the figure,the charmeleon and the latest experement, project x:the ultimate pokemon...

 

[Dilasc]

This is bad, and short to boot,
Read some good fics to say w00t.

Eh, I'm losing my rhyming touch.

First off, the formatting you use is very awkward, with enter used at the worst of places. You may want to read a few good stories to get a better idea of how to write a good fic before you post a second 'chapter'.

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

Heya!

Well, there's not much of a storyline yet, so I'll comment on the grammar and format - as Dilasc said, you might wanna reconsider where you hit the enter button - to separate speech from the rest of the text is generally a good spot. And to separate the paragraphs.

Also, I'd revise the use of commas - try to keep them only for when there is a rest in the sentence. They don't double as full stops.

Another point, I'm not sure if you left out something or deliberately left the sentence unfinished, but when I read the last sentence, I was left wondering what the figure, the charmeleon and the project had done or had happen to them. Was it meant to say that they were gone, disappeared along with the smoke? Or is this meant to be a cliffhanger?

Another point - the 'there' when used in reference to the guards should be 'their'. 'Their' is for possession, 'there' is for place.

But I did like just the little touch of atmosphere - the guards sipping their coffee. It draws on an almost cliced scenario, but it makes the scene recognisable. A lesser alternative to describing the scene yourself, but it gets the job done.

Anyway, once you get your fic into an easily recognisable and readable format, people will be more able to appreciate the content of your fic. Good luck for your next chapter and have fun!

Piney.
;204;;324;

 

[tanhony]

thanks.
chapter 1

The police came one hour after the incident along with news reporters and the like.
"So what did the figure look like?"the officer said over the noise of the sirens.
"We don't know mam! he had a cloak on!"shouted the guard.
"Sir, we've found a clue!" shouted the officer next to the labatory.
Everyone ran to the laboratory left side, there on the dull sand was a jet black murkrow feather, the cheif officer picked it up.
"Whoever did this probably comes fron johto." he concluded...
That is what wes and rui saw on the tv, they were in agate village, ever since beating cipher nothing intresting had happened, all that was on the news most days was the boring weather channel, nothing like this, nothing at all. suddenly a sound was heard, like a flamethrower attack from a ferocious pokemon, wes and rui ran outside to see a scene of mass terror...the forest was engulfed in flames......

 

[Xiang]

Are you listening? This is so short, it's breaking the rules. chapters are at least two pages. And double space it. There is no description either.

 

[Dragonfree]

You know, when you're writing a chaptered fic, you should think of each chapter as an episode of a show. This one would be maybe twenty seconds long. I'll tell you right now that that does not make a full episode. You need to add more stuff to it, more that happens during the episode. Otherwise, I'll frankly have to lock this, because it's against the rules.

 

[Iron Lugia]

Too short. I expected it would be longer.

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

Pretty much what the others have said - this is way too short for a chapter. The rules of posting require a chapter to be at least a page in Word, though most fics have chapters WAAAAAAY longer than that.

Until the length increases, there's not a lot to say in a review for lack of stuff to comment on. But I'm wondering why the guards were shouting. I mean, if there was an premeditated attack on a high security place from an obviously competent Somebody, surely they'd be keeping their voices down, if anything? And wouldn't a police officer simply leave the feather where it was and wait for forensics to bag it as evidence? Plus, you'd think that just from a Murkrow feather, there'd be no way to tell whether the suspect had been to Johto or not - people trade pokemon, pokemon are released in foreign regions, pokemon migrate... basically, just because traces of a Johto pokemon had been found at the scene, there'd be nothing linking the crime to Johto... but if the feather turned out to have some substance unique to Johto on it, that would be another story. Eh... get the feeling I watch far too many crime shows? *sweatdrop*

Whilst I know that Wes and Rui are people (even though I'm not familiar with Gale of Darkness or any game other than those for the Gameboy consoles) it was hard to tell, cause their names weren't capitalised.

Another point - full stops as opposed to commas are a great way to go. And words after full stops need to start with capitals.

On the topic of description, I reckon you can definitely afford to add it in. It would not only help your length problem, but readers appreciate knowing how you picture the scenes in your fic. It fleshes out the narrative, dragging it closer to reality and the readers towards the reality of your fic.

Anyway, I can see that you've got something of a plot for your fic - but you need to communicate it to the reader in a way they recognise and accept, or they simply won't get your fic. Good luck for next chapter!

Piney.
;204;;324;

 

[Dilasc]

Thanks... thanks? All you say is a gad derned THANKS?! You ignore my advice, and basically take a dump on my face by ignoring my advice and the advice of others, and all you can say is 'thanks'?

Gee wilkenseizures, why the heck should I even help you if you take my words and the words of others with a grain of salt.

Now, in order for me to even think of helping you again, I suggest you read a good story written by one of the good authors here. A lot of us are good examples of authors you should read, so go read one of our works, but when you do, pay attention! Absorb what you read and remember to mimic the style to an extent while adding your own creative elements.

Until then, yea, 'thanks' well you're not welcome until you put an effort into this. What an insult.