Hush, keep it down
Hello! This is probably weird of me to review Chapter 3 when you're already at Chapter 17
last time I checked but it's the farthest I've gotten and I'm here from the review game.
Review what you need to, don't worry.
So does this mean all of these anime-canon villains are also canon to your story? I don't remember reading much about them in your backstory
unless I totally forgot that they were there, so I was just wondering how important they are to this story. Now, regarding Polaris, I've googled them but all that comes up is the North Star. However, this name also comes up in Jax's fic, so I'm curious as to how Polaris fits into the PokeVerse.
Basically it's just a nod to what went on in the anime in the past.
My Polaris and Jax's are different, the naming was just a coincidence. Their purpose will become clear with time.
I found this line kind of unusual. Based on the first two chapters, the gag seems to be that Matt says something and either Nekou or Oliva (or both in this case) snap at him and he gets annoyed. Maybe you could have said "prompting Bunny to giggle and Matt to roll his eyes." Otherwise, the dialogue exchange is pretty good between these characters. And the battle scene between Zorua and Oshowatt was superbly written. I found it very exciting, especially for a couple of baby Pokemon in a friendly battle, which makes me excited for future battles involving Rocket and/or Polaris.
I think I explained this to you before writing this reply, but he's laughing because of the humor in them both saying it at the same time.
I'd like to think the battles are all uphill from here.
Be careful with repetition. While it doesn't faze me all that much, it could get on reader's nerves to see the same description (e.g. cliff-laden) for the same subject (e.g. the road) over and over. Other alternatives you could use are, simply, "the path" "the upcoming trek" etc.
You're right, that line simply slipped my mind as I was writing. I never even caught it.
Not much to say about this short scene
probably the shortest out of the first 3 chapters. I'm a little worried at this point about the roles of Jesse, James, and Meowth in this story since they appear to be replicas of their anime counterparts. Personally, I prefer deeper explorations into the characters than the anime offers, or alterations in their personalities. Hopefully I get to see that as I continue to read on.
If they're like anything, they're like the way they were in the BW season of the anime. Their purpose is different than what 90% of the show uses them for.
Be careful with that comma splice there. A period would actually be the correct symbol to use. Or, if you wanna go the dramatic route, "Something's not right... I can sense it."
I love how badass Nekou is. She's definitely my favorite character at this point, which is interesting since I expected it to be Bunny. Hopefully she gets developed more later on.
Bunny, you mean? They're all going to get development, but Bunny is a little slower in that regard compared to the others.
I somewhat remember Marie being mentioned in previous chapters. But with the length of each chapter, and the amount of posts between them, I don't think it's fair to expect readers to search through your older chapters to figure out what Pokemon she is. Nor is it reasonable to expect all readers to recall Marie's identity of the top of his/her head when you're utilizing a ton of characters and Pokemon in this fic. So I would suggest mentioning the identities of nicknamed Pokemon every chapter to be on the safe side; it's not hard, either. By the way, this action scene is totally exciting! I had to share that with ya
I already do mention the species instead of nickname alone sometimes, but I can do it more.
And it was a pretty fun scene to write. ^^
I thought this was a great portrayal of Olivia's character. It fits her very well to be this frightened and reliant on the man whose head she keeps biting off when she pretends like she can handle anything. It's also the first time I empathize with her since she was annoying in Chapter 2.
Good to hear. That's really what I wanted to do with her, to have her be someone who challenges the reader initially when it comes to liking them instead of being someone who's designated 'sympathetic good guy' instantly.
Again, great characterization here, this time for the these three. I'm already getting emotionally attached to these characters. Now you just gotta develop everyone else and you're golden! Overall, this was a very stunning and well-written scene.
Wow, stunning wasn't the word I was expecting. I'm flattered, thank you!
I'm reviewing as I go along, so I'm guessing this is an Axew. Even if it isn't, now is as good a time as any to ask you something that's been lingering in mind: what's with the Unova invasion? I know you mentioned that the Gen 5 Pokemon have found their way onto Johto, but I originally thought that was just a fair excuse to incorporate them into your story---not to exclusively feature them. This is probably coming off as complacent
and maybe part of it is since Unova is probably my least favorite regionbut I just think it's more believable to feature some of the original 251, since those are the Pokemon who have made Johto their home since the region's inception. And yes, Bunny has a Ninetales, but she could have gotten that anywhere. So far in Route 29, we come across a Lillipup, Pawniard, and a Bisharp, and the majority of trainers' Pokemon are Gen 5. So yeah...just wanted to rantget your thoughts on this.
It's just a byproduct of having to firmly establish the migration point and having to juggle so many different Pokemon at once. At least that's the case for the wild ones, the trainer ones almost entirely were obtained in their other regions.
Perhaps I ranted too soon...perhaps...
I hope so.
Without dropping any hints for how each character develops (because they do) this is the kind of thing that's going to happen again. Get used to it.
Can't wait to see their reactions when they found out they're planning to raid a world-renowned scientist/Polaris affiliate. Don't let me down, Butler.
Give it time, it'll come.
I realize this passage was to help new readers catch up to the world you've been creating throughout your multiple fics, but it also gets major bonus points for adding emotional depth to Matt. Kudos!
Thank you. I think you'll be seeing more of that kind of thing.
PfftHAHAHA Nekou for MVP! I'm really loving her character. So please, please work on Bunny. Seriously, Nekou is fantastic.
I hope you don't mind me asking for patience. I admit, I didn't have Bunny's role fully planned before I began, so it will take a bit of time before I get to developing her as much as the others. Don't worry, though, it is coming.
Okay, I think you've mentioned Angel Corp. before, but is there anything we should know about them at this point besides "oh hey this Dante guy is collaborating with them"? Still, I must admit that I'm almost done with this chapter and I haven't really been left confused like in the past, so it's definitely an improvement. Also, great job connecting that "random" attack to the Meteonite, which is connecting this former-Polaris scientist to Team Rocket and the 4 protagonists.
The Angel Corporation is something that's being foreshadowed for now, really. A background element, I suppose.
Everything is connect.
Uh-oh! Another comma splice. Still, 2 in one very long chapter isn't so bad. They're a huge peeve of mine, so I can't help but point them out.
I can't blame you. Please forgive me.
This is a very touching scene. I was kinda hoping things would get a bit more snuggly between Matt and Nekou, unless you're not taking the shipping route between them. Anyway, if you're gonna reference classic literature that not everyone has read, be sure to be detailed. You talk a whole lot about Captain Ahab but you barely explain Ishmael, the person whom Nekou uses as a comparison for Matt. In the end, I don't even understand her reference since you didn't explain Ishmael's relevance to Moby Dick.
Hm, you're right. I didn;t think that scene through at all, not nearly enough...
You know, there were multiple points in this chapter where I thought, "This would've been a great place to end this chapter." I know you like writing long chapters...but, you know, I don't see the point of them being that long
which probably discourages participants of the review game thread to review them. So I find it kind of amusing that you chose to end it very...anticlimactically. I thought the second to last scene between Matt and Nekou would've been a great place to end. Call me crazy, but I sensed a variety of tension in that scene, including sexual. It's a shame because you did a good job keeping me interested so far with the endings of Chapter 1 and Chapter 2.
There was a lot of tension in that scene, that was my intent. But like I mentioned, I like to have chapters end on a conclusion of some sort unless it's a special case.
Luckily, this chapter blew my expectations out of the water, so I'll definitely tune in for Chapter 4 (and maybe the other 13). Sorry to any reviewers who might be annoyed with me reviewing a really old chapter. Looking forward to what lies ahead! ~flamebeam
Thank you very much! And please, do not worry about reviewing an old chapter, nobody minds.