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Origins: A Kanto One-Shot Contest

Discussion in 'The Authors' Café' started by Dragonfree, Aug 4, 2018.

  1. The Walrein

    The Walrein Well-Known Member

    I'm still working on my entry. It's only about two-thirds done, so I'm going to be cutting it close.
  2. The Teller

    The Teller King of Half-Truths

    Sorry guys, I'm bowing out this year. Life stuff, y'know? So no crazy imaginative stuff from me (well, at least for this contest). If I HAD written an entry, the plan was to revisit the old "Mew found under a truck" thing by re-imagining it as "Mew...but as a trucker!" It would've been about Mew driving a truck carrying Poke Balls across Kanto, encountering mundane little obstacles along the way (traffic, the cops, bad weather, flat tires), all while psyching the audience out with scenes where you'd think he's about to use his psychic powers, but then he doesn't. In the end, one of the Poke Balls he was ferrying rolls underneath his truck while he's in Vermilion City, so he crawls underneath to get it and...well, you know how the story ends. Maybe once I get some time to write (and get this writer's block off my chest), I'll set about actually writing it. Then you can all judge it retroactively, for free! Sorry!
    shoz999 likes this.
  3. shoz999

    shoz999 Sonic's the name! Speed's my game!

    Well I submitted my fanfic before the deadline I believe. Kind of half-satisfied with my work but here's good luck to everyone.
  4. Phoenixsong

    Phoenixsong you taste like fear

    Hoo boy, I did not manage my time well this week at all. (For... anything, really.) Did manage to get something in, and I'm pretty sure it's still inside the deadline? Unfortunately it's like maybe a third of what the full intended story is, but I do think the first part stands on its own well enough, and I've wanted to try getting my rear in gear for a contest for a while, so eh, why the heck not! Granted the tone by the end of the full version is meant to be... markedly different from where this leaves off, but nothing wrong with that, I guess. Hopefully it does actually still work on its own and I'm not just delusional from all the rushing.

    Good luck to everyone who entered! I'm excited to see this year's crop of fics.
  5. Dragonfree

    Dragonfree Just me

    We've now received eight entries and you've got about an hour and fifteen minutes left! The users we've got entries from are:

    - AmericanPi
    - Dramatic Melody
    - Namohysip
    - Phoenixsong
    - SGMijumaru
    - shoz999
    - Starlight Aurate
    - Umbramatic

    If you've already tried to send in an entry but are not on this list, please alert us right away!
  6. shoz999

    shoz999 Sonic's the name! Speed's my game!

    Question. What's the average you guys get for submitted entries? If it's pretty small and you don't mind the extra work load, I think you should consider more than one entry in future contests.
  7. The Walrein

    The Walrein Well-Known Member

    Okay, I just PM'd my entry to Dragonfree. Good luck everyone!
    shoz999 likes this.
  8. Dragonfree

    Dragonfree Just me

    Received! That's nine entries total, unless something got lost somewhere. Good luck to all the contestants! I'll be passing your entries on to the other judges shortly.

    Nine entries is a bit more than the past several contests have had on average. The Platonic contest last year had seven, Worlds Collide before that had five, Criminal Intent also had nine, and Alpha and Omega had eight. Interpretation and Perspective both had thirteen, though, and before that, the Heart and Soul contest had 29(!). (Tall Tales, in between, had five, but that was a somewhat different format.)

    Nine is definitely plenty of entries. We can discuss allowing multiple entries per person again for the next contest, with whoever's judging then. The main argument against multiple entries per people would be that then one person could submit a bunch of entries to try to increase their chances of winning.
    shoz999 likes this.
  9. shoz999

    shoz999 Sonic's the name! Speed's my game!

    Okay, how are the judges chosen? I assume you want to make sure the judges taste in fanfic suits almost equally for all fanfics abroad? Are there strict requisites? What would make good prizes on the internet as a sort of good "competitive" booster I suppose? Also can people link other competitions to the Fanfic section? Are much of the decisions handled by one person or by groups of people? I'm quite curious as I have some ideas of events planned in the future.
  10. Dragonfree

    Dragonfree Just me

    Judges are chosen based on their qualifications - whether they've judged contests before, whether they write thoughtful reviews, etc. Exactly how they're picked out varies - sometimes invitations are extended to particular people, sometimes it's open for applications.

    If you want to run an event, you need to run it by the mods for approval; if approved, then you can pretty much make the decisions on how it's run. (You can see Negrek's Missing Mod Madness for an example of a member-run event with mod approval.)
    shoz999 likes this.
  11. shoz999

    shoz999 Sonic's the name! Speed's my game!

    Okay but what if I am linking an event from another site to this one, perhaps to extend a contest's reach to other fans? Is it acceptable as long as I run it by the mods and gain their approval?
  12. Dragonfree

    Dragonfree Just me

    You could try to get it approved, but we'd probably need significantly more convincing for some kind of off-site event. Events should generally be for the Serebii community; there have previously been discussions about things like crossover events with other boards, but even then I think the assumption was there'd be a Serebii thread for the Serebii side of things.
    shoz999 likes this.
  13. shoz999

    shoz999 Sonic's the name! Speed's my game!

    Okey dokey, I appreciate the explanation.
  14. AmericanPi

    AmericanPi Write on

    Hi, just wondering, what's the status of the judging? I don't want to sound rude or impatient, but it's December 21st and I was hoping results would be up on December 1st, which was the target results reveal date. I was just hoping to post my entry publicly by the end of the year and I was wondering if that would be possible. Thanks!
    shoz999 likes this.
  15. Dragonfree

    Dragonfree Just me

    Unfortunately, that's definitely not happening at this stage. We'll keep you posted.
  16. Starlight Aurate

    Starlight Aurate Just a fallen star

    Sooo are there any updates? Not to sound rude or impatient, just curious as to how things are coming along. Thanks!
    AmericanPi likes this.
  17. Dragonfree

    Dragonfree Just me

    Apologies for the lack of updates! Some stuff came up that we couldn't predict, but we're making some good progress now. I'll try to update you all weekly or so from here on.
    AmericanPi and Namohysip like this.
  18. Dragonfree

    Dragonfree Just me

    Hey, everyone! Apologies for the wait. I'm about halfway through my final round of edits on my reviews by now. Unfortunately, though, Psychic's had a critical computer failure and has a fair bit of work left. Really sorry about the delays yet again.
    Chibi Pika and shoz999 like this.
  19. Dragonfree

    Dragonfree Just me

    Origins: A Kanto One-Shot Contest

    It's finally time for the results! Huge apologies for how long this took to get together - the judging was delayed a lot by various unrelated circumstances. Unfortunately, in the end, Psychic had to drop out of judging. However, three judges is still enough, and we can now finally present the rankings and reviews for all nine entries!

    This was a good crop of stories, so don't get discouraged if you didn't rank too well - you had some stiff competition. Thanks for all the entrants for participating and your patience waiting for the results! We hope you find our reviews helpful and will enter more contests later on!

    As in previous years, the entries were ranked from first to ninth place by each of the four judges. Each place gives a certain number of points:

    1st place: 110 points
    2nd place: 90 points
    3rd place: 75 points
    4th place: 60 points
    5th place: 50 points
    6th place: 40 points
    7th place: 30 points
    8th place: 20 points
    9th place: 10 points

    The points from each judge are then added together for each entry, with the final rankings going by the combined total.

    The entries will be posted in order from ninth to first place, each accompanied by its rankings and reviews from each of the three judges; where the full entry is too long, an excerpt is posted instead. Please do not post in this thread until all the results have been posted! The posts have been prepared in advance, so it should only take a few minutes to post them.

    We hope everyone will check out the submitted stories!

    All that being said, drumroll please...
  20. Dragonfree

    Dragonfree Just me

    9th place: Pokémon Adventures - Red: The Later Years by shoz999

    Dragonfree: 9th place (10 points)
    Negrek: 9th place (10 points)
    Rediamond: 9th place (10 points)
    Total: 30 points

    Title: Pokemon Adventures - Red: The Later Years
    Genre - Humor/Action
    Summary - A glimpse of Red's later married life as an adult somewhere in his 30's. Less on romance, more focused on action and humor.
    Rated - PG/PG-13?
    Words - 4313
    Background info - It was a epic story I had in mind inspired by One-Punch Man years ago but never really developed the concept until now in the form of a short.
    Several blue tadpoles hopped across the grainy coast of the lake, diving head-in as a man and woman in their young 20s stepped out of the nearby woods, setting foot on this coast. The blonde girl held her hands behind her back, her golden-eyes glancing to her smile’s reflection in the lake. The man bearing spiky jet-black hair kept his hands in his jean pockets, smiling at the girl he loved.

    He took a deep breath, stopping in the middle of the coast. The young man could see the orange sun descending upon the green hills that rolled like the lake’s gentle waves against the small coastline. He smiled widely as his teeth shut-closed, wearing a big grin on his face.

    “Yellow. Remember this was the first time we met?”

    Yellow continued to bear that warm smile, looking down upon the grainy sand below their shoes. She held her head high, looking into Red’s crimson eyes.

    “How could I forget! We met as little kids in the Viridian Forest. You saved me from that wild Dratini on that day, helped me captured my first Pokemon and showed me how even the scariest of creatures can have the friendliest of hearts. That was a magical day for me.”

    Red smiled at the lake’s reflection. Yellow gazed to where Red was looking at, pushing a side of her hair past her right ear. They could see the beautiful sunset touching the tip of the green rolling hills.

    Red spoke, “I don’t think I’ve ever thanked you properly for saving me on that same day.”

    “Saving you?” Yellow stopped smiling, reminiscing that moment.

    She could still remember the desperate look on Red’s Pikachu’s face. Pika calling out for help, any help. She remembered being horrified to find Red lying unconscious near the edge of the Viridian Forest. She could remember his forehead bleeding, his body covered in scratches and bruises. The thought of that man behind Red’s injuries on that day, the leader of Team Rocket bearing his calm but devious grin, his cool blue eyes reading a person’s thoughts and movements like an open book, his stoic hollow voice that echoed throughout the hallways like a watchful ghost. It wasn’t just some gym battle. It was Red’s battle to end Team Rocket. Red risked a lot to defeat Giovanni. And yet, in the end she felt…

    “Hey Yellow!” Red waved his hand right to Yellow’s face

    “Um… yeah? Sorry for zoning out too long! Hehe.” Yellow rubbed the back of her head, giving out an embarrassingly smile.

    Red grinned, “You remember that day Yellow?”

    Yellow held her hand close to her heart, a sense of relief from that day.

    “Yeah. I was really happy you made it out okay.”

    “Yeah but… I never did become the Gym Leader of Viridian City like I promised.”

    “What? I-it’s alright Red! We talked about this remember. You kept your promise. Viridian City got a strong new Gym Leader thanks to you and…”

    “And I still feel like I haven’t repaid it.”

    “What do you mean? Huh?”

    Red reached out his hand, pulling something behind Yellow’s ear. It shined orange like the sunset itself, encrusted in deep silver. Yellow gulped, puzzled by what she saw.

    “Is that…”

    Red smiled with the ring in the palm of his hands.

    “I. Choose. You.”

    Her golden-bright eyes eyed the ring. It looked like pure silver metal she noticed the minor scratches around in the metal. Red caught glimpsed of it, nervously explaining what it was.

    “Oh, the scratches! Um… well… see. I couldn’t actually afford those expensive rings… so I uh… made one with the gems I found and the silver in Mt. Silver.” Red chuckled nervously, twiddling his fingers. “Well more like… I failed in trial and error over and over again. My Pokemon pretty much helped out… with most of the work. However, it did take a while to figure out that magic trick! Um…”

    Red stuttered a bit. He noticed Yellow’s face looked darkened, looking flat out to the sand.

    “Uh… w-what do you think?”

    Yellow spoke, “What do I think?”

    She raised her head high. Red looked a little surprised at her puzzled look, her hand grabbing tightly onto her chest.

    “My-my chest is pounding more than ever!”

    “W-what? Like a heart attack!?”

    Yellow giggled at the assumption.

    “What? No silly.”

    She laid the palm of her hand onto Red’s cap as the red sun warmed brightly against them, their shadows reaching to the darkened forest itself.

    “I. Choose. You.”



    “Thank you!” Red spread his arms out, hugging Yellow off the ground.

    “Okay! Heheh.” Yellow chuckled. “That’s enough Red!”

    “Sorry sweetie.” Red chuckled, laying Yellow on the ground.

    “It’s alright… honey muffin.”

    “My sugar cupcake.”

    “My warm fuzzy teddy bear.”

    “My sweet daisy.”

    “My... huh?”

    Yellow spotted someone past Red’s shoulder. Yellow could see her uncle in his usual fishing gear, sitting at a nearby pier. His jaw dropped opened, looking at them in disgust.

    Yellow shouted, “W-what are you doing here Uncle Wilton!”

    Wilton shouted, “W-what am I doing here!? Why didn’t you notice me fishing!?”

    “Maybe… because we just didn’t notice you along the way?”

    “Not notice me? How could you not notice me?!” Wilton stood just next to his house. “I live in this area!”

    Yellow and Red smiled back with an embarrassing look on their faces, sweat trickling down on their left cheeks.

    Yellow shouted, “Heheh… sorry Uncle!”

    Red shouted, “Sorry Wilton!”

    “Uh-huh…” Wilton grabbed his fishing rod, walking away grumbling to himself. “Sugar? Honey muffin? Where the heck does kids come up with these stupid names?”

    Red turned his attention to Yellow.

    Red spoke, “Well…”

    Yellow smiled, “I hope the future remains bright for us!”

    Several Poliwags peeked above the lake, croaking as the waves gently rallied against the sandy coastline. The wind breezed past Red and Yellow’s shoes from the forest as the tips of each shoe closely touched together.
    10 years later…

    Viridian City, long ago it was one of the more peaceful smaller cities of Kanto. Now, thanks to the new Gym Leader in town, it was a bustling thriving city popular with tourists, boasting new and potentially strong trainers. It certainly grew the last time this man walked here. A jet-black spiky haired man bearing a lot of muscle in his arms, entered the city wearing his favorite red cap. The red-capped trainer continues walking in the street, ignoring the many civilians and trainers whispering to each other, their eyes staring directly at him.

    One man near a lamp spoke, “Hey? Isn’t he that one strong trainer long ago?”

    Another man spoke, “Which one? Be specific!”

    “The really strong trainer who took down a gang of elite Rocket members long ago, right here in Viridian City!”

    “What! Seriously!? That man!” The man looked at the red-capped trainer, his eyes looking tired and in an annoyed bad mood today. “H-he’s kind of scary looking, isn’t he?”

    The little girl next to the man, pointed to the trainer.

    “T-that’s the man who took down those elites long ago daddy? Right?”

    “Yes and…”

    “Hey guys!” A man shouted from a distance.

    “Oh. He’s here.” The man recognized the chunky man in a lab coat.

    He could see the man sporting the usual black combed-hair style of many scientists, running to them with a Caterpie in his arms.

    The lab coat smiled in a hurry, “I got your daughter’s Caterpie right here!”

    “Who?” The man next to the father spoke.

    “One of Prof. Oak’s assistants who works at the lab.”

    “Prof. Oak? That old geezer is still alive after all these years?”

    “Yup. Apparently, he lives quite the healthy life.”

    The lab coat held the golden Caterpie proudly to the little girl.

    “Here you go Dorothy!”

    Dorothy embraced the golden Caterpie in her arms. The red-capped trainer eyed the shiny Caterpie, happily cuddling with her trainer.

    Dorothy looked up the lab-coat, “Thank you, mister!”

    The lab-coat smiled, petting the Caterpie in her arms.

    “Prof. Oak was quite excited at the shiny Caterpie you caught! It’s going to evolve into a beautiful Butterfree one day!”

    “Thank you, Mister. Tell Prof. Oak I said thank…”

    Suddenly the girl felt a hard elbow pushed against her head. The girl lost her balance, falling to her knees as the Caterpie hopped out of her arms quickly onto the stony pavement. The red-capped trainer watched, seeing the Caterpie looking worrisome at Dorothy as a tear started to fell from her right eye.

    “Ow…” She muttered.

    “Hey!” The father turned to the one who shoved her.

    He gasped, looking at the gang of thugs eyeing him. One particular one that stood out, literally, was the tallest thug standing there, silently staring at them.

    The father spoke, “Um... h-hey…”

    “What? You got something to say!?” The blue-haired man gritted his teeth, angrily eyeing the father.

    “I uh…”

    “Hmm?” The lab-coat looked at the group of thugs, each wearing black leather jackets and a pair of blue jeans.

    He noticed some dyed their hairs and others choose to wear sunglasses.

    “Hey. Little girl.” The tallest of the thugs spoke, staring at the girl.

    “Y-yes?” Dorothy gulped at the monstrous-size of the man.

    The little girl could see scars past his jacket, reaching from his chest up to his neck. She could see the thug pulling something out of his pocket as the red-capped trainer watched, preparing to pull something from his belt.

    “Here.” The thug pulled out a few dollars. “Buy something nice kid. Like ice-cream or something.”

    “Uh… um… thanks?” The girl quickly took the money.

    The girl and her father stood there, puzzled at just what happened.

    “C’mon. We got no time to waste.” The leader spoke, heading north of Viridian City. “I heard there’s a psychic hanging around the Viridian Forest.”

    “I hear this pretty little lady is special.” One grunt spoke. “Can heal and raise levels and stuff!”

    “Yeah.” Another thug spoke. “A lot of people are willing to pay a lot of money for psychic powers.”

    The red-capped man watched the group walking up north. The red-capped man spoke.

    “A psychic?”
    “Y-Yellow.” One of the assistants spoke nervously, his legs trembling in terror on the open dirt surface surrounded by Viridian’s trees. “What do we do? Yellow?”

    The blond woman in her lab coat stood there surrounded along with her two assistants. Yellow pushed back her glasses as she analyzed the situation, glancing at the four grunts at every corner. Each of them grinned, unlike their leader who stood there silently watching.

    The leader turned to the nearest two grunts. “Cain. Derik. Take care of those assistants.”

    “Uh… boss.”


    “I’m Joseph. Right next to me is Alex.” Joseph spoke.

    “Wait seriously? Than where’s Cain?”

    “Here boss!” Cain raised his hand on the other sode of the circle.


    “Derik’s not here. He left the gang a while ago.”

    “I can’t tell any of you grunts apart!” The leader gritted his teeth. “If Derik’s not here than who is this!”

    The leader pointed to a particular fat grunt.

    “Y-your serious?” One grunt said. “We all dyed our hair and wear the same clothing, but you can’t tell the fat one apart?”

    “Hey!” The fat grunt yelled. “I’m sensitive about my weight!”

    Yellow rolled her eyes, watching the grunts argue over each other.

    “Never mind that! I don’t care! Just get me that psychic!”

    Yellow sighed, reaching out to a Pokeball around her waist beneath her lab coat.

    “Mhem.” A voice echoed nearby.

    The grunts stopped what they were doing, a red-capped trainer stepped in the fray eyeing the group of thugs. The group of thugs looked back, some annoyed and others curious.

    “Huh? Who are you?” One grunt spoke.

    “My name doesn’t matter. All you have to know is that your going to pay if you dare lay a finger on that lady.”

    Yellow raised an eyebrow, looking at the red-capped trainer with oddity.

    The leader calmly spoke, looking to one of the grunts nearby, “Hey! You there.”

    “Y-yeah.” The fat grunt responded.

    “Your new here, show em what your made of.”

    “Sure, thing boss!” The fat grunt smiled in excitement.

    The grunt eagerly reached out to a Pokeball. The grunt threw it in the air, a blue light flashed before them. A large light-brownish mouse came in, chattering it’s two fangs, eyeing the red-capped trainer with a fierce fire in its eyes.

    “That’s it?” The red-capped trainer sighed, pulling a Pokeball from his belt. “If that’s the case, I guess I have no choice.”

    The grunts watched the red-capped trainer threw the Pokeball in the air, a flash of blue light emerged.

    “Go! Charizard!” He shouted.

    The flash of blue light shattered, two puffs of dirt clouds puffed into the air as Charizard landed his two feet against the open soil. Charizard roared, a fury of fire seared through its mouth. The scientists behind Yellow looked amazed as she reached out to her lab coat pockets, pulling out a red device.

    “Charizard huh.” Yellow opened the Pokedex.

    She aimed the Pokedex at the Charizard, the red tool scanning the Pokemon.

    “Charizard – Lv. 52.” The Pokedex scanned. “Movelist – Flamethrower, Fly, Iron…”

    “Is that the famous Pokedex I’ve heard about?” One of the assistants spoke.

    “Mhmm.” Yellow nodded. “It’s a good tool to scan what Pokemon’s strengths and limitations are in Pokemon battles.”

    The scientists smiled in excitement like children.


    “Raticate!” The fat grunt ordered. “Use hyper fang!”

    Raticate leaped off the ground, it’s razor sharp fangs reflecting Charizard’s head.

    “Charizard.” The red-capped trainer spoke. “Use iron tail.”

    Charizard nodded, swinging its body around, swinging its tail around as the incoming Raticate got closer. The dragon’s tail swung around, the tip of it on fire changed into a silvery metallic glow. Raticate’s eyes were opened wide as its fangs saw the tail in-coming. Charizard SLAMMED the Raticate -! – into one it’s cheeks, throwing it to the ground.

    “AH!” The fat grunt panicked, seeing her spiral-eyed Raticate on the ground.

    “Oh no!” One of the grunts spoke.

    “He slammed Samantha’s Raticate down to the ground!”

    “You rude bastard!” Another grunt spoke. “Don’t you know it’s wrong to hit a lady’s Pokemon down!”

    “That…” The red-capped trainer sighed. “Weren’t you doing something similar moments ago and… wait a minute!? THAT FAT GRUNT IS A GIRL!?”

    “Don’t try to change the subject!” The fat grunt shouted. “Boys! Get him!”

    “To be fair… I didn’t knew that either. They all look like the same grunts to me.” The leader thought.

    “Mhmm!” The grunts nodded, eagerly grinning at their foe.

    Several Pokeballs flew up in the air, rapid flashes of light appeared over the Viridian Forest. The red-capped trainer looked at the Magnemite, a Grimer and a Golbat all eager to battle.

    The red-capped trainer sighed, “Charizard. Flamethrower.”

    Charizard sighed as well, snuffing a puff of fire from its nose. Charizard slowly took two-steps forwards as it’s shut-tight jaws were leaking flames, his fangs that stuck-out turn a blazing glowing red.

    “Uh… maybe this isn’t such a good idea.” The grunt gulped at the sigh of the terrifying beast, larger than any of their Pokemon.

    “Too late.”, said the red-capped trainer.

    The great dragon unleashed his searing fierce flames. The three Pokemon were engulfed by the fury of fire imposed upon them, screeching in burning pain! The red-capped trainer watched as the flames settle down to the earth as he saw the four spiral-eyed Pokemon standing in smoke before collapsing to the earth.

    “Whoa!” One scientist spoke. “That’s amazing.”

    Another scientist eagerly smiled. “This is like one of my animes!”

    “I don’t know…” Yellow muttered, looking at the leader of the grunts.

    She looked to the red-capped trainer, smiling confidently with his hands deep in his jean’s pockets.

    “That was too easy.” The red-capped trainer smiled. Looking at the blonde girl in the lab-coat. “After this is over, why don’t we grab a cup of…”

    “I’m married.” Yellow bluntly spoke.

    The trainer stood there silently, already shot down before he could finish that sentence. The red-capped trainer swallowed as he was trying to process this.

    “That’s… cool.” The red-capped trainer turned to the leader. “That’s alright. These goons are piece of…”

    “CHAMP!” A gut-busting punch slammed into Charizard’s belly.

    “CHARIZARD!?”, shouted the trainer.

    Charizard’s eyes gawked as spit was sent flying from its mouth. The astonished trainer saw Charizard sent flying into a nearby tree, the dragon’s weight breaking the tree in half before he slumped to the earth, spiral eyed and out of fire.

    “What!?” The red-capped trainer looked at the Machamp, sizing up its four massive arms. “How did I not see that coming!?”

    “Nooo! Our rescue!” One of the scientists whined.

    Yellow stood there, observing the grinning leader.

    “Kid.” The Leader grinned. “Machamp can launch 1000 punches in less than 2 seconds. Your Charizard fared well but there is no competition with me around!”

    “Looks like this trainer is way out of this man’s league.” Yellow reached out to a Pokeball underneath her lab-coat.

    The red-capped trainer gritted his teeth, staring angrily at the leader’s cocky grin. His finger tips reached for another Pokeball as the leader grinned even wider.

    “Go ahead and…”

    “Hey guys!” A voice called out.

    “Huh?” Everyone looked out to the distance, south to where Viridian City’s skyline soared in the great distance, throughout the massive trees of Viridian City. They all saw the chubby assistant from before, happily running across the Viridian Forest, carrying a parcel.

    “That chubby scientist.” Thought the red-capped trainer.

    “The one with the Caterpie.” The boss remembered.

    “…” Yellow stood silently.

    “I’m back!” The chubby scientist took a screeching halt, noticing the fainted Charizard near the busted tree. “What happened?”

    “What happened?” The leader grinned widely. “I’m here to take this lady…”

    “Out?” The assistant placed his fingers upon his chin. He chuckled, “Sorry but she’s already married. I think her husband would get really mad if you did that.”

    “N-no! NO! That’s not what I meant!”

    “What did you mean?”


    “Because it’d be awfully rude if you take her anyway.”

    “That’s what I’m doing you fat punk!”

    “Actually… I may look a little chunky but 80% of my body is pure muscle from all the travelling and exercise! Heh heh!”

    “FAT LARD!” He yelled.

    “Aww…” He spoke, his back slumped down in a depressing manner.

    “Did he get easily depressed!?” He looked annoyed, gritting his teeth. He pointed to the blonde woman. “I’m here to kidnap this psychic for her psychic healing powers you punk! And I’m not going to let anyone stop me, so you better move and…”

    “Really?” He interrupted again, springing back alive and well with a good posture.


    “I really thought you were some big softy deep inside after you gave that girl money. Guess I have to stop you.” He crossed his arms.

    “S-stop me!?” He chuckled.

    “Who the heck is this guy?” The red-capped trainer looked annoyed at him. “Huh?”


    “Here we go again.” Yellow sighed.

    “Pika! Your up!” The lab coat threw s Pokeball into the air.

    The Pokeball flashed blue! A little electric mouse popped into the air and landed easily on its two yellow feet.

    “Pika!” The Pikachu grinned.

    “Y-your kidding?” One grunt spoke.

    “Seriously? A Pikachu?” Another grunt spoke. “The boss is going to wipe you out! Right boss? Boss?”

    “Oh yeah.” The lab-coat chuckled. “I forgot you guys were there.”

    “Huh!? THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!” All the grunts shouted.

    “Apologies!” He smiled embarrassingly.

    The scientists stood there, puzzled as to what is happening here.

    “Is he one of us? What a wacko.” One of the assistants said.

    Another assistant spoke, “He has no clue what he’s getting into.”

    “Machamp!” The leader gritted his teeth, annoyed at this trainer. “Karate chop!”

    “Champ!” Machamp nodded.

    The Machamp ran forward to the electric mouse. Pikachu smiled eagerly as the Machamp got closer. The four-armed fighting-type slammed its hand towards the Pikachu! A dust cloud engulfed the two easily. The leader and red-capped trainer braced their eyes from the dust as the lab-coat just watched on.

    “Huh!?” The grunts looked shocked.

    The dust clouds settled, Pikachu looking alive and healthy while Machamp confusingly looked at his hand, rubbing it’s knuckled like it felt something.

    “So, you can dodge my Machamp’s fast punches.” The leader grinned. “Maybe you are a decent trainer, but you got cocky!”

    “I got a… chicken?” The lab-coat said.

    “YOU HEARD ME!” He shouted. “Machamp! Karate chop one more time!”

    “Champ!” Machamp grinned widely, similar to that of his trainer.

    The Machamp sized up his four arms, running to the little mouse. Its single right arm slammed its hand to the Pikachu as Pika’s trainer just stood there, watching.

    “C-champ!?” Machamp gulped.

    Pika yawned, his tail glowing in a metallic light as it caught the hand easily.

    The grunts opened their eyes and jaws wide opened, “WHAAAAAAAT!?”

    The red-capped trainer stood there silently, his eyes wide-opened in shock as sweat trickled down his forehead.

    “HOOOW!?” The scientists screamed wide-opened, their hands rubbing deep into their hair.

    Yellow just stood there, watching with a light smile on her face.

    The leader stood there frozen. Sweat trickled down against his face, his nose was sweating with dripping boogers, his eyes blood-shotted wide-opened, his jaw dropped opened with his tongue screaming out in bewilderment!

    “NANI!?” The leader said. The leader shook his head “NO!” back and forth. “No! No no! Doesn’t matter! He still has to hit my…”

    “Volt tackle!” The lab-coat ordered.

    “Pika!” Pikachu vanished leaving a gust of air behind.

    “WHAT!?” The leader raised his head, astonished by the mouse’s speed.

    Machamp looked shocked, his head and eyes turning and glancing in every direction. Suddenly Machamp felt something gut-tackling in its stomach. His eyes painfully looked down, an electrifying Pikachu torpedoing its head into Machamp’s gut. Machamp’s eyes whitened out, spit flying from its beak as it was sent flying, crashing and breaking several trees nearby!

    “T-t-the hell was that!?” One grunt shouted, shaking uncontrollably.

    Another grunt pointed to the Pikachu, grooming its arm’s fur peacefully with its tongue.

    “That Pikachu… is a monster!”

    “Monster?” The Pikachu’s trainer chuckled. “Don’t say mean things like that. Pika is as friendly as any other Pikachu.”

    “B-boss! What do we do!” One grunt spoke.

    The leader stood there silently, sweat trickling down his face as he gritted his teeth.

    He gulped, “Let’s get out of here.”

    The scientists and red-capped trainer watched as the gang of thugs fled in terror from the random lab-coat and his Pikachu. They could see the boss quickly returning his Machamp lodged into one tree to his Pokeball with the press of a button.

    “Pi?” Pika looked at the fleeing thugs.

    Yellow walked forward to Pikachu’s trainer, crossing her arms with a light smile.

    “Hello my sweet muffin!” She smiled happily

    “Sweet muffin?” The two scientists muttered.

    “Hello my Juliet!” The lab coat’s combed hair suddenly propped up into a spiky one.

    “Aww… again Red!?” Yellow sighed at the sight of Red’s hair. “This doesn’t look good with upcoming meeting. It’s almost as if no hair gel can keep that spiky black hair of yours all the way down.”

    The assistants and red-capped trainer stood there frozen, wide-eyed.

    They screamed, “RED!? THE POKEMON CHAMPION!?”

    Red looked at their puzzled reactions.

    “Yeah. Guess that’s me heh.”

    “Pika!” Pikachu grinned.

    One scientist stepped forward as everyone watched. Red could see something was on his mind.

    The scientist spoke face-to-face, “You really let yourself go!”

    “That… wha…” Red looked at himself, his 30-year old body slightly wider than before.

    Yellow smiled, holding Red’s hand.

    “Don’t let it get to you Red! Your absolutely fine! Like you said, that’s muscle not fat.”

    The other scientist spoke, “He kind of looks like Prof. Birch in Hoenn.”

    Yellow sighed, “Out of all the things you could talk about to the Pokemon Champion, it’s how he looks?”

    “Hey.” The red-capped trainer spoke, taking a step forward.

    “Hmm?” Yellow looked at him.

    “Yeah?” Red said.

    The red-capped trainer looked a little nervous, his confidence moments ago disappeared.

    “A-are you really Red?”


    “Oh uh…” The red-capped trainer scratched his cheeks. He then gulped, “Can I have your autograph!”

    “Huh?” Red looked a little puzzled.
    The couple walked across the sandy coast within Viridian Forest, walking past the lake’s reflection of the orange sun descending upon the green hills that rolled like the lake’s gentle waves against the small coastline. Red smiled as usual until he noticed that Yellow looked annoyed, crossing her arms, thinking about something. There was clearly something on her mind. Red gulped, wondering what to say, if he should say something. He’s not even sure what he may have done wrong, only that Yellow seemed concerned and…

    “You know…”, said Yellow. “You were late to the study of the Viridian Forest and it’s relation to Psychic powers.”

    “Oh! I have a really good reason! I really do this time!”

    “Well…” Yellow gulped. “What is it?”

    Red took a deep breath.

    “I made this promise to a girl named Dorothy. She recognized me as Prof. Oak’s assistant to assist him in studying moves. Since Prof. Oak is her role model, I promised her to take her shiny Caterpie over to get it checked. I brought it back in a hurry afterwards.”

    “Oh.” Yellow gave a light smile. “That’s completely understandable.”


    “Yeah.” Yellow raised her head up high. “That’s actually really sweet of you.”

    “Thanks.” Red chuckled. “Anyways. How about I cook this time back home at Mt. Silver!”

    “What!?” Yellow quickly pushed her glasses back. “But I want to cook this time!”

    “It’s my turn!”

    “But I thought it was mine!”

    “Okay!” Red eagerly smiled. “How about we race to Mt. Silver for it!”

    Yellow stretched her arms up into the air.

    “You’re on!”



    This feels like two very different stories, taking place ten years apart - the opening scene with the proposal doesn't really relate to the rest of the story in any way, beyond featuring the same ship.

    The opening is a cute enough little scene. I haven't read the manga so I can't speak to how well you're capturing their characters, but you did a nice job implementing cute details into the proposal and making it sweet. It feels rather unbelievable that Red and his Pokémon, total amateurs, could manage to create an engagement ring from scratch that appears to look like one would expect from a store-bought ring apart from minor scratches in the metal - honestly, it'd only be cuter if the ring was more obviously flawed than that! But it's fine as this little proposal scene with a slightly humourous ending.

    The remainder of the story, though, like I said, feels entirely unrelated, and although romance isn't really my favorite genre, I think I actually like the opening scene better. Most of the second scene revolves around these weird fake-outs that I don't think entirely work. It is kind of funny when the scary-looking grunt turns out to just want to give the girl he bumped into some money for ice cream - but then it turns out they do have sinister intentions anyway, which undermines it. And you set us up to think the "red-capped trainer" is Red but it turns out actually Red was the guy in the lab coat all along... but thanks to the first scene, we know that Red and Yellow are married, so it's pretty quickly obvious that this guy has to be someone else when Yellow is treating him and his Pokémon like strangers, and by the time it's revealed explicitly, I think most everyone should have gotten the hint pages ago.

    All in all I don't think this twist is interesting enough to successfully carry the entry - perhaps it could be if the first scene weren't there, but as it is the story kind of trips over itself and undermines its own twist by opening with the proposal. Meanwhile, the story around it all feels very cartoonish and tropey; it's difficult to take seriously, but it's not really that funny either - you've got some amusing dialogue between the thugs (though I find the fat jokes kind of cringeworthy), but most of the rest isn't really particularly humourous. A lot of it just consists of describing curbstomp battles or extreme shocked reactions that might be amusing in animated form, but just don't quite have the same effect when written out in prose without the visuals.

    Also, why have Yellow's assistants apparently never seen the Pokédex before, nor ever seen her husband, even though he is also a lab assistant and they seem to regard that as meaning he's "one of us"?

    Your prose has a lot of mistakes in it as well, with spelling/grammar errors, missing words, and otherwise weirdly constructed sentences. For chunks of the second scene, I also completely lost track of who was talking because you've got a bunch of lines of dialogue with only pronouns attached if that. All in all this means sometimes the story isn't entirely straightforward to understand, and even when I do get it after rereading the sentence, it still takes me out of it and makes it harder to get absorbed in the story.

    Overall, the opening scene is definitely cute, and I think the idea of Red growing up to be a lab assistant helping young trainers is sweet, but the main bulk of the story feels rushed and difficult to really connect with or care about. I think you could improve it considerably by proofreading and working on the main body of the story with more care, but if I were you I might also consider splitting off the first scene into its own one-shot.


    This is a neat Special-inspired story; it's always fun to take familiar characters and take a look at what life might be like for them after they finish their big adventure. I especially like that you took a somewhat different route with the characters than usual--Red doesn't simply grow up to be a badass trainer, but instead ends up as a somewhat-overweight researcher who nevertheless still loves pokémon. Yellow's fun as an unflappable scientist who isn't bothered by a bunch of miscreants, though I wish we could have seen a little of her battling, too--I'm sure she could have held her own just fine.

    This story has a nice manga flavor to it. The familiar gestures and visual shorthand of the manga, the gags, and the lighthearted tone with some darker elements make this feel like an episode that really could be a part of Special. The characters feel right at home in this kind of world, even if though this story is a bit less high-action/adventure than a typical manga episode. It was nice to see some quieter, more character-driven moments, though. That's one of the things fanfic's good at... expanding on the source material and showing us some of the kinds of scenes that canon can't or won't.

    I also like the details you include that feel true to the character. Red making Yellow's ring with the help of his pokémon, for example, rather than buying one. The girl with the shiny caterpie was suepr cute, and like I said before, "lab assistant" feels really right to me as a profession for both Red and Yellow... albeit lab assistants that haven't lost their fighting edge! The progression you show from where these characters are in the manga to where they are in this story is realistic and believable, and like I said before, you do a wonderful job of capturing the actual flavor of the manga in the way you describe them and their world.

    I was pretty confused, though during the scene where the gang waylays Yellow in the forest. From the way the trainer in the cap was introduced, both in terms of his physical description and how people are mistaking him for Red (I think), I was definitely thinking he was Red, and was increasingly confused as it played out that he wasn't. And then his identity is just kind of never addressed. I don't know if he was supposed to be some other canon character I'm not familiar with, or if it was purely a joke, but one way or another I'm not sure what you were going for with that. There didn't seem to be any real point to it.

    One thing you might want to work on is how to give the reader information in a way that feels natural. At several points you have characters explain things to each other that they already would have known, which comes across as unnatural and stilted. Parts like Yellow recounting to Red how they met or members of the gang discussing out loud and conspicuously their plans to go to Viridian Forest, for example, don't feel natural, but rather like the author choreographing things so that the reader (or other characters) understands. Something like Yellow scanning the charizard with her pokédex feel similarly false, because Yellow is definitely very familiar with charizard and would have no reason to do that--again, it feels like it's for the audience's benefit only. You really want to think about what characters would naturally say and do and try to work within those bounds, rather than putting words into their mouths.

    The humor didn't always work for me, either. It's tricky, because prose is a very different medium to work with than comic panels--the kind of sight gags that work wonderfully in a comic don't always translate well into prose. Red and Yellow calling each other over-the-top syrupy names doesn't really strike me as in-character for either of them, and "Uncle Wilton" kind of came out of nowhere. That kind of random gag can be difficult to pull off, and I don't think it added a lot to the story here. And the bit with one of the grunts being a girl, and also fat, seemed more in poor taste to me than funny.

    More than anything, though, I think that your story is being held back somewhat by your prose. There are a lot of grammar problems, punctuation problems, and generally odd phrasing and sentence construction, which can make things difficult to read at times. If you often have trouble with mechanics, and for a contest especially, it's a good idea to try and find a beta reader who can help you with that kind of thing (and provide feedback on other elements as well!). I've picked out some specific sentences here as examples, but it's a pervasive issue. I'd definitely recommend taking some extra time to look your work over if you don't already, or try to find someone to give you feedback if you can't pick out these sorts of errors out by yourself.

    This is a very strange image. Red's smiling, yet at the same time also closing his mouth? I'm guessing you meant something along the lines of him smiling so broadly that his teeth were visible, but I'm really not sure.

    It should be "Remember the first time we met?" The way the sentence is worded now, Red's saying that this, right now, is the first time they've met, which obviously isn't true.

    It's odd to refer to a person by what they're wearing. You can refer to someone by their profession--trainer, gym leader, soldier, whatever--or by a title, or by their relationship to a character (mother, father, etc.), but aspects of their appearance usually sound odd. There are some characters that may refer to or think of another character by some element of their appearance, but that's idiosyncratic and usually an actual element of their personality. To have it done in the narration comes across as strange.

    It would also be "Dorothy looked up at the lab-coat," unless she's literally looking up under his clothing.

    You're missing a verb--probably "since." Also, because this sentence is referring to something happening before the man got here (the forest growing), it should be something like, "It certainly had grown since the last time this man had walked here."

    In the examples above you use "-ingly" incorrectly. In the last two sentences, what you actually want are "embarrassedly" and "confusedly," respectively. "Embarrassingly" means "in a way that was embarrasing," confusingly "in a confusing way," whereas you want words that the person being referred to is feeling either embarrassed or confused. In the first sentence, you want a form of "embarrass" that works as an adjective. That would be "embarrassed"--"an embarrassed" smile."

    And in these sentences, some problems with contractions. In the first sentence, it should be its relation to psychic powers. "It's" is a contraction of "it is," so you can always try to sub those words into the sentence to see if it still works. "It is relation to Psychic powers" doesn't make sense, so you need to use "its" here.

    The final two sentences both use "your" where it should be "you're." "Your" is possessive, while "you're" is a contraction of "you are." Because "you are" makes sense in both of these places--"what you are made of," "you are going to pay"--it should be "you're," not "your."

    All in all, a little more mechanical polish would make your story easier and more enjoyable to follow. There's a lot to like here in terms of how you extrapolate from the manga and remain true to the source material while giving it your own spin. At times I found things difficult to follow, though, and the presentation didn't always match up to the strength of the premise. I think you have good ideas here, and a solid start to them, but I think a bit of polish is going to be necessary to really bring out your story's strengths.


    The grammar: These sentences are all kind of odd and should be reworded.

    “It looked like pure silver metal she noticed the minor scratches around in the metal.”

    “Viridian City, long ago it was one of the more peaceful smaller cities of Kanto.”

    “looking at the capped trainer with oddity”

    “A dust cloud engulfed the two easily.” Do dust clouds usually have trouble engulfing people?

    You know what? I’m going to just go scene by scene for this one.

    Opening: I’m not a fan of opening with two characters discussing a major past event they should both know about as if there’s an audience watching. I feel like just name-dropping Red and Yellow establishes that we’re in the manga-verse well enough. Flip side, that is such an amazing engagement line. And scene. And Red is pretty wonderfully awkward throughout, but especially at the start of the story.

    The Caterpie: I’ll talk a lot more about the twist ending later on. But this sets it up well. I also like the way Red interacts with the little girl. Then there’s the mugging that wasn’t. I… I don’t understand this scene. I know it’s supposed to be comedic. But when I read it I instantly assumed that it wasn’t actually going that way. The grunts fully intended to rob the girl, but then they saw Red (either Red) and backed off really quickly. But they have no reason to fear either of them at that point in the story. I think the comedy could’ve been a little more over the top here, to signal what the joke actually is. But then the ne’er do wells actually are crooks so… honestly I’ve got no idea. Maybe the gag should just be cut entirely.

    The Red-capped Trainer v. Rockets(?): I am just going to say what happens here and mix in some commentary.

    I don’t actually know if he’s fighting Team Rocket, but I’ll just call them that for convenience. My main question, and it’s recurring, is why Yellow doesn’t step in herself. She presumably has pokémon that, if not quite on Red’s level, are at least strong. Strong enough to beat back some Rocket grunts, anyway. But that doesn’t happen. What does happen first is a joke exchange about grunts all looking the same (including a later jab about not being able to distinguish genders, which is… not the case in the games? Haven’t read enough of the manga to know. Main joke here is a fat joke. Could just be that as someone with an eating disorder I can’t bring myself to laugh.

    The Red-Capped Trainer shows up, sends out a Charizard and fights off a grunt’s raticate. Then more grunt pokémon. Yellow watches, bemused. She uses her pokédex to scan the Charizard. Red-capped trainer flirts with Yellow and gets turned down hard. Then the Charizard gets knocked out by a machamp in a scene that mostly works. I don’t really have a problem with the battles themselves. One of the strengths of the one-shot.

    Red v. Rockets: Then actual Red shows up. He sends out pikachu and absolutely wrecks the machamp. Honestly, it’s full One Punch Man and it’s the joke that landed best for me in the whole thing. But then… the whole thing is mixed in with a running fat joke about how Red’s let himself go. It didn’t settle right, and seemed… ok actually I’ll get to that in a moment. Anyway, final point: People shout things along the lines of “WHAAAAAAAAAAT” and “HOOOOOOOOOOW.” There are anime-style deranged expressions. It’s kind of just a transcription of a magna book. Which may be the point! But I find that it drags me out of writing to see things that are very uncharacteristic of the medium. I’ve also associated it with a lot of beginning writers so maybe the concept’s just poisoned for me.

    Ending: I liked this. It’s a sweet scene. Main criticism is that I’m not sure why Red and Yellow both want to cook dinner. That’s usually seen as a chore to avoid in my experience. I think this could’ve worked better by adding more banter about how they hate the other’s cooking in little ways, or just want their own food to the type of thing their partner cooks. Would’ve made it cuter in my opinion.

    The Red-Capped Trainer: I’m going to talk about this for some length because it’s sort of the core of the story? We follow a trainer referred to exclusively as “the red-capped trainer.” Which is an unwieldy epithet, but one that must be preserved because the main joke of the story is that he isn’t Red; Red is a fat lab assistant. This makes his appearance and how it’s treated kind of intrinsically tied to the main joke. It’s sort of a weak thing to ground the story on. Anyone with a passing familiarity with the magna knows that Red doesn’t have a Charizard. Leaf scans it on her pokédex and then rejects the red-capped trainer, hard. So… it’s actually decent setup as a series of hints towards the twist ending. But, again, I’m not sure that “Red is old and fat now” is really a good basis for the entire story’s punchline? Also, the ending of the red-capped trainer’s storyline was a little disappointing. There was an easy chance to set things up as “Red inspired other, less competent trainers to take up his image and fight crime” a la The Dark Knight, but then… the story cuts away. The red-capped trainer is never explained.

    The verdict: The story does fluff pretty well. I like the opening and closing scenes. But the battle part in the middle is full of tiny not great decisions that sink the entire section. The one scene that the author supposedly based the story around, where pikachu wrecks a machamp, is good. That bit is humor of absurd situations at its best, not just setting up obvious, literal jokes and all but begging the audience to laugh.

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