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Out of the Blue

Discussion in 'Completed Fics' started by TikTok13, May 10, 2017.

  1. TikTok13

    TikTok13 Oh, I have a title?

    Hello, TikTok13 here! Well, this is my first official Pokémon FanFic, so it may not be the best. I took my inspiration from fellow Serebii Forums user Nerdy McNerdface. I made a list of my favourite characters and then used a random number generator to select a character at random. The result was Blue. I plan to do this for many other characters, and I will try my best to make them good and enjoyable. I write for fun, and while Pokémon writing isn't my strong suit, I think I'll manage. Although the first chapter is short, I think the others will be larger. I decided to take a first person spin on this, as it would give an even further insight into Blue's mind. I also thought it would be a good idea to show the more reflective mood of Blue, something we see in Gold/Silver and their remakes. Feel free to tell me what you think in the comments below XD. - Sincerely, TikTok13.
    [​IMG]
    Out of the Blue​


    Prologue
    Take a good look around you… A volcano erupts, and just like that, a whole town disappears. We can go on winning and losing in Pokémon. But if nature so much as twitches, we can lose in a second… That's the way it is…

    I looked out from the rocky outcrops of Cinnabar Island, feeling the cold wind claw at my face. Strangely, the bitter gusts were soothing. It had been too long. When was the last time I had been in a battle, had a challenge? Too long. It had been four years since my battle as Champion of the Indigo League. The title of Champion had only been mine for little more than a few hours. Red. Always the best. He'd beat me every single time. Over and over, defeat after defeat. But it had been too long.

    I wanted nothing more than to start afresh - a new journey. The fresh feeling, the adrenaline of battle seemed alien to me now. I had only had glimpses of it since my fall from the Champion's pedestal. One of those experiences was my battle with that kid. The one from Johto, I think. What was his name? Gold? Was that it?

    Yeah, Gold. That's the one.

    Boy, that fight was a fun one. I smiled, looking up to the sky. A few Pidgey flew overhead, tailed by Wingull and Tailow. New additions to Kanto. Everything was new. New people, new Pokémon. New Cinnabar. I remember how the town used to be. A gym. Houses. The battle with Blaine was a tough one. Fighting his fire types was a challenge. But it wasn't hard for Gyarados. I took his Rapidash out with a single Hydro Pump. Heh, now I think about it, it wasn't that hard.

    Nothing is hard for me! I'm Blue! I was the most powerful trainer in the world! I wonder who that title belongs to now. They'd be a pushover. I'd mop the floor with them! Right?

    Shaking my head, I started to slide down the side of the rock cliffs. Dust clouds formed behind me, small rocks scattering. I came to a halt by the sea, the cordovan stone floor firm beneath my shoes. Kneeling down, I looked into the sea, plunging my fingers into the crystal clear depths. It was like a mirror, I could see my angled face reflecting in the sapphire surface. All of my past challenges, they were nothing to what I wanted to do next. Brock, Misty, Erika, Surge, Sabrina, Blaine, Koga, Giovanni. All of them. Even the Elite Four; even the battle against Lance.

    I'm ready for another battle. No matter what it takes.

    I'm finally knocked out of my trance by a Magikarp that splashes in my face.
    "What the heck!?" I'm so bewildered that I burst into laughter like the good old days, when Gramps and I spent nights playing card games, and I fought Red day after day, always one step ahead of him.

    I miss the good old days.

    The Magikarp flounders in the water before me, and I grin, stroking the top fin. The fish looks at me with a docile eye that creeps me out. Seriously, Magikarp should be a Ghost-Type. I push it away, a bit too hard, and it goes flying through the air, making a gargantuan ripple in the water when it lands, about 50 feet from the coastline of Cinnabar Island.

    Narrowing my eyes slightly and cringing, I lay back against the stone ground, my eyes focusing on the fluffy clouds. The sun burns down on me, but I don't recoil. Sometimes it's good to just sit and relax, take a break from the worries of life. The wind ruffled my hair, and a small chunk fell over my eyes, blocking out my vision. Absent-mindedly, I twisted the lock of light brown hair with one finger, juggling a Pokéball with the other.

    I miss the good old days.

    It was time to start again. I looked up to the horizon, seeing the peak of Mt. Silver. Dark. Dangerous. I knew that was where I would find him. Red. My friend. My rival.

    My hand was engulfed in a bright white light as the Pokeball opened, releasing the regal bird within. Pidgeot. The sun caught on its crimson hair and smooth golden feathers. Jumping to my feet, I clambered onto my Pokémon's back, feeling his muscles tense beneath me. Besides that, the bird Pokémon seemed unburdened. As the creature's claws scraped the ground, I cringed. The Pokémon took off, the wind blowing my hair back and making me eyes sting. The world flew by me in a flash as we sped towards our destination.

    Mount Silver.
     
    Last edited: May 21, 2017
  2. Oooh, so you wrote up the RNG thing? Nice!

    I really enjoyed this. Despite Blue not being a favourite of mine, I really liked the way this chapter delved into his mind and fleshed out his character more. There's a feeling GSC and HGSS had to them that embodied nostalgia and looking back at past adventures, and you showed it really well in this part. I also found that Magikarp really adorable!

    Overall, keep it up! ;)
     
  3. DreamSayer

    DreamSayer Dreamzone Trainer

    There's always something satisfactory about short stories like this one. I personally am a fan of chaptered series than one shots, but i can always appreciate good works like this one. That magicarp bit made me chuckle and i liked how you retconned Blue's adventures in the past. A fine story for a start, but i bet your next one is going to be even better. Prove me right if you don't mind?
     
  4. TikTok13

    TikTok13 Oh, I have a title?

    Thanks! I'm looking forward to doing more of these, and I'm gonna do some battle scenes soon. I was stuck for ideas, so I put the Magikarp in XD.
     
  5. Cutlerine

    Cutlerine Gone. Not coming back.

    As far as first fics go, this is a pretty impressive entry! You've got Blue's character down perfectly; I love how you have him start thinking about Blaine as a tough battle and then convince himself that wait, no, it was easy, and from there persuade himself that he's the best there is. He's a bit flat and one-dimensional in-game, especially in gen one, and I think you do a great job rounding him out a little, building on the more reflective side we see of him in the second generation games to make him a much more human character.

    There are a few moments when you muddle up your tenses a bit – the magikarp, for instance, splashes into the story in the present tense, as opposed to the past that the story began in – and a couple of others where the phrasing seems a little awkward, like where you have Blue specify that he's twisting a 'lock of light brown hair' where 'it' would be both sufficient and more natural. It's not a bad way of weaving in physical description, but in these instances it's a little unwieldy and honestly in a story this short and focused, you rely on your reader knowing all about Blue already, so I'd say you'd be totally justified in assuming they knew what he looked like too.

    Other than that, there's not much I want to take issue with. Welcome to the fanfic forum, and I look forward to seeing what you produce next!
     
  6. TikTok13

    TikTok13 Oh, I have a title?

    Chapter 1

    "Yo! Finally got here, huh? I wasn't in the mood at Cinnabar, but now I'm ready to battle you. … You're telling me you conquered all the Gyms in Johto? Heh! Johto's Gyms must be pretty pathetic then. Hey, don't worry about it. I'll know if you are good or not by battling you right now."

    Those were the words I said as he entered the Gym. I don't know why I was so excited for this battle, but there was something about that kid that sent my heart running. He strolled towards me with a confidence I had never seen before, a grin upon his face, which was covered in rainbows cast by the lights of my gym. Hair darker than the marble floor of the gym fell over his face from a gap in the back of his hat, that was worn backwards. Grey shorts clung to his legs, and a baggy red jacket was fastened over his torso.

    "Ready?" He asked me, raising an eyebrow. I looked back at him, feeling a flame ignite in my eyes.
    "Of course." Without hesitation, Gold threw a Pokeball into the air. It was dark, with a strip of gold along the top. An Ultra Ball. I watched in awe as an immense Pokémon erupted from the ball, sending spider-web cracks across the floor. The light of the gym shone like a rainbow across its metallic surface.

    Steelix.

    I felt a smirk stretch across my face as I threw my own Pokeball with all the force I could muster. As the light of the release faded, I saw Gold gasp. I sent out Machamp. Machamp grinned, grey muscles bulging with pure raw power. After years of travelling the world, and completing the Pokédex, I had built a team that could destroy any opposition. And while I didn't necessarily like Machamp, it was in my team for a reason. Just like this.
    "Heh heh heh… You're unprepared for this. We'll knock you down!" I yelled across the gym. Gold seemed unfazed. "Machamp, Dynamic Punch!" The muscled Pokémon charged, fists flying. But then the unexpected happens. The Steelix starts to spin, and as Machamp approaches, he is knocked to the side. Gyro Ball. How could I have been so stupid!?

    I saw an Iron Ball chained to the tail of the Steelix. I recognised this set-up. And I knew what's was next. I screamed for Machamp to jump, just after Gold commanded his Steelix to use Gyro Ball again. Too late. The tail of the iron snake collided with my Pokémon mid-air, sending it flying straight towards me. I fell to the left as Machamp zoomed by, smashing into the wall behind me. I gasped, before swearing beneath my breath.
    "Perhaps I'm the one who was unprepared…" I return Machamp to his ball and throw another straight after. I felt a fire inside, a rush of adrenaline that I hadn't felt in a long time.

    I wasted no time, hoping to catch him off guard.
    "Rhydon, Megahorn!" The Pokémon bursted straight out of the ball in a flash of pure white light. Steelix isn't built for speed. Rhydon charged right at the snake, his horn driving right into the body. Steelix let out a bone shaking cry that made the walls rumble, before falling to the ground. I grinned, cheering. Oh yeah, I've still got it!
    "I used to be Champion!" I cried. "I used to be the most powerful trainer in the world!" Without replying, Gold returned his Pokémon to its ball and sent out another Pokémon, one that I knew well.

    It had a thick, bony body, with glowing ruby orbs emanating from its back. Transparent tentacles trailed beneath it, curling and coiling around each other. Tentacruel.
    "Isn't he nice?!" I taunted, ready to bring another finishing blow. Gold shook his head.
    "He's and she. And she will shown no mercy." At the word 'mercy', water started to pool into the gym, and I instantly noted the look of panic etched into Rhydon's face. My finger twitched for another Pokeball, but I couldn't switch out. That would have been a sign of weakness.

    The turquoise liquid started to froth and sway, and the Tentacruel just floated there, mocking me. Head turning side to side, Rhydon still looked terrified. The water was closing in. I needed to think of something.
    "Earthquake!" Seismic waves erupted from the ground beneath Rhydon as he stomped furiously in a desperate bid to avoid the water. The shaking ground sent smoke and rubble flying everywhere, but the onrushing water continued to edge towards my Pokémon. Gold just stood there, a smile on his face.
    This kid is good. Then he yawned, pulling out his Pokegear to check the time. The smug little… I ran quickly through my mind, searching for a word to describe Gold. Apparently I needed to expand my vocabulary.

    The battle raged on, Pokémon after Pokémon fainting, our powers matched. I was impressed. Very impressed.
    "Congratulations. But you won't beat me!" I returned my fainted Exeggutor to its ball with a sigh, as my opponent returned his Ampharos. A joint faint. Glaring at Gold with as much anger as I could force, I clasped my fingers around my final Pokeball. The technological marvel contained a Pokémon that I had trained for months on end, when everyone else said that it would amount to nothing. They laughed at me for using it.

    As the silver mist cleared from the release, a roar filled the gym, one I was very familiar with. Who was laughing now?

    I was.

    And so was Gyarados.

    Eyebrows raised, my opponent gasped.
    "Nice one. Now for my partner." Gold raised a pure white ball in his hand, a shimmering red band wrapped around the middle. As he threw the ball overhead, I suddenly realised why I was getting such a rush in this fight, why I was relishing every second. Gold's stance, the smile he wore, his skill. He was just like Red. Everything about him, his fighting style, the way he approached the challenge, it was just like how Red fought. He even looked like my rival.

    Ghostly light emanated from the ball as it spun from his hand. It opened, wisps of pure white energy curling outwards. For a moment, I'm blinded, shielding my eyes with the collar of my jacket. When the light cleared, I lowered my shade. Before me was a bipedal creature with clawed feet and hands that pointed out menacingly. Bristles of indigo fur covered the Pokémon's body and it stands hunched, its face looking downward. Something twinkled on the chest of the mysterious Pokémon, and I rushed through my memories of the Pokédex, trying to identify the creature. No luck. Then the Pokémon looked up.

    A wide, toothy grin smiled at me, each tooth tapered to a deadly point, the pearly whites terrifying. But that was not the worst of it. Where the eyes of this Pokémon should have been were large, shimmering crystals that reflected the neons of the gym, making a rainbow sheen glare at me. I felt a cold chill crawl down my spine.

    Gold grinned, fist-pumping slightly. This was his trump card; the one Pokémon that he thought would beat me. But he wouldn't beat me. I yelled a command at Gyarados, and watched as the serpentine body becomes coated in cascading water, the sound of which was so loud that I thought it stopped me from hearing anything else. But no - it was my blood pumping. It was all I could hear. The repetitive bah-bum, bah-bum.

    Gold shouted a frantic command as my Pokémon dashed towards him, the full force of the waterfall attack ready to knock his purple Pokémon into oblivion. I didn't hear the command. I just braced for the impact that was sure to come. As the miniature Pokémon was blocked from my sight, an eruption of steam completely consumed the room. But I wasn't worried.

    Waterfall always did this.

    As the vapour cleared, I saw Gyarados, coiled up with his head fixed upon something before him. I was confused. Had I won? Shoes clicking against the marble floor, I ran towards the centre of the battlefield. Then I saw it. The purple Pokémon had its arms raised before it in a cross, pure blades of dark energy sprouting from its palms and stretching 5 inches away from the clawed fingertips. Shadow Claw. Gold hadn't ordered to attack. He'd ordered to defend.

    Now I was worried. I didn't know what to expect. Was this Pokémon fast? What was it weak to? What typing did it have? Was it a special attacker? Or was it defensive? This was the problem every Gym Leader faced - fighting a new Pokémon is the equivalent of a curse. I watched, dumbfounded, as the creature leapt and brought the Shadow Claw attack down upon Gyarados' face. I released a scream, hearing my voice break on the high notes.

    What was this Pokémon!? I ordered Gyarados to continuously use Dragon Dance, dodging the Pokémon that was causing so much strife, as I whipped out my battered Pokédex.

    Number 302: Sableye, the Darkness Pokémon.
    It dwells in the darkness of caves. It uses its sharp claws to dig up gems to nourish itself.


    Sableye. A new Pokémon to me. I poured over the information, taking it all in whilst my Pokémon dashed away from the demon. I heard Gold taunting me. I ignored him. This Pokémon could be fast. This Pokémon could be a special attacker. This Pokémon was defensive. This Pokémon had no weakness; it was a mixture of dark and ghost. This Pokémon was deadly. I knew I was screwed.

    This was what a Leader lived for. A challenge.
    "BRING IT ON!" I howled, my hands balling into fists. "Gyarados, Ice Fang!" If I could freeze it, I could slow it down. I could win this. I could. Gyarados' head moved down at the speed of a Sharpedo, straight towards Sableye.
    "Shadow Sneak!" The darkness Pokémon merged into the ground and slid behind Gyarados as his face plummeted into the ground, before jumping back out and striking my Pokémon from behind. I screamed. I screamed for the pain of my Pokémon. I screamed for the possibility of loss. I screamed because I did not know what else to do.

    "RETURN!" I saw Gold's face contort, and his Sableye paused. He thought I was conceding. I would never concede. Gyarados flailed, his tail coming round to knock Sableye into the wall. But then I threw my head into my hands. Return. A normal move. The Sableye seemed to fade as the move passed straight through it, before slashing the tail with a Shadow Sneak. Sableye was a Ghost type. I'm an idiot. I'm an idiot. I'm an idiot.

    But that had bought me some time. Gyarados was still fast. I commanded another Ice Fang, but the Sableye parried with a Shadow Claw. I could see both Pokémon trying to push the other away. A battle between titans.
    "You can do it bud!" I heard Gold gasp, cheering Sableye on.
    "We won't let them win! Come on Gyarados!" We wouldn't lose. We wouldn't lose. I wouldn't lose. I watched as the Sableye dropped one arm, struggling. Sweat beaded on its forehead. The thin arms shook and shuddered. Sableye was weak. I could win.

    But then I saw something out of the corner of my eye. Gold grinning. He cupped his hands to his mouth and yelled: "THUNDER PUNCH!" Now I saw why the Sableye dropped its hand. It wasn't a sign of weakness. It was a calculated maneuver. The demon's fist became coated in crackling electricity. I couldn't win. I couldn't win. The fist collided with Gyarados' chin, and I watched helplessly as my Pokémon fainted.

    It was over.

    I lost.

    Gold walked towards me, Sableye sat smugly upon his shoulder. I had lost. Gyarados was back in his ball, and there was only the cracked floor to remind me of my loss.
    "This is the real power of Johto…" I gasped. "How the heck did I lose to you? …Tch, oh well. Take this," I held out a shimmering medal the colour of bright viridian. "The Earth Badge. It's yours now." Graciously, Gold took it from my palm and handed it to the Sableye, who examined it carefully before pinning it on Gold's jacket.
    "Thank you, it was a good battle." He nodded, all of his moxie from the fight gone. Like some people I knew, he was the kind that only ignited in a fight.
    "I was wrong. You're the real deal. You are a good trainer. But I'm going to beat you one day! Don't you forget it!" I squeezed Gold's shoulder and looked him right in the eye. "Good luck," My face became hard. "If you ever fight Red, you're gonna need it."
     
    Last edited: May 12, 2017
  7. That was a really well-written battle! I enjoyed how the environment was utilised in each of the moves, and how moves that usually work in one way ended up working in an entirely different way (like that Shadow Claw). Blue's mind is also really vivid, and I'm surprised such a butthead knows such phenomenal vocabulary, even if he softened up over three years! To be honest, Gold was even more of a butthead in this than Blue tbh, but I really liked that! Overall, it was really enjoyable.
     
  8. TikTok13

    TikTok13 Oh, I have a title?

    Thanks! I wasn't sure if the battle was good or not - it took a while to get going. And I never actually planned for Gold to be more annoying than Blue, it just kind of happened, and I knew that something like that would get on Blue's nerves.
     
  9. TikTok13

    TikTok13 Oh, I have a title?

    Chapter 2
    "Why? Why did I lose? I never made any mistakes in raising my Pokémon… Why did I lose?"
    The same question ran through my mind as I trudged through the snowy mountain paths of Mt. Silver. Over and over and over and over. Why did I lose? How did I lose? I was always the stronger one; always. But he's Gramps' favourite. He is the Champion. He is the most powerful trainer in the world.

    I try to push all thoughts of Red out of my mind as the blizzard pummels me. It isn't hard. This frosty feeling makes my entire body feel numb, and I can hardly move as the snow piles into my boots. Looking back, I see my footprints have already vanished. Fear grips me. Maybe I won't be able to get off this mountain. But if Red manages to stay up here, then so can I. Darn it. He's in my head. Again.

    Why does he always get to me? I'm strong, I'm smart. I'm definitely better looking. But Red still stalks my mind and I can't help reliving our journey. Pallet; Pewter; Cerulean; Celadon; Vermilion; Saffron; Cinnabar; Fuchsia; Viridian. City after city, town after town. He was always right behind me, collecting badges, filling the Pokédex. Red took everything from me. He took my title as Champion. He took the love of my Grandfather. But I can't feel bitter about everything he's done for me. I wouldn't be the Leader of the Viridian Gym if it wasn't for him. But he did defeat Team Rocket's Leader. Single-handedly. How was he so good!?

    I let out a scream that I hoped would echo to the peak of this cursed mountain. I'm nowhere near the top. And it's cold. Oh, so cold. A sudden gust of wind hits me, knocking me into the snow behind me. I just laid, bewildered, sprawled out in the pale powder. That's it. I've had enough.

    "ARCANINE!" I growl, throwing a Pokeball into the chilly wind. I hear the soft thump of Arcanine hitting the floor, followed by the Pokeball landing back in my hand. Groaning, I reach for Arcanine, who bites on my sleeve and drags me from the snow. I stand up, brushing snow from my clothes, when a buzzing sensation ripples across my chest. And it doesn't stop.

    Panicking, I grasp at my chest, before realising that it's just my Pokegear. How the heck does it even had service up here? I yank it out, seeing who's ringing me. Gold.
    "Hello?" I half-growl, half-sigh, waiting for Gold's reply.
    "Hey Blue! How are you?" He sounds cheerful. I'm anything but cheerful.
    "Don't worry about me… I'm doing peachy over here."
    "Are you up for a rematch? Jasmine and Morty are visiting this guy in Unova called Cheer or something like that," I roll my eyes before realising he can't even see me. This guy doesn't respect the fact that people have lives.
    "Uhh, no sorry. I can't right now," Before he can reply, I say goodbye. "Smell ya later!" Then I hang up, letting out an exasperated sigh. I know it was rude to hang up on him, but I had no choice. In case of a further call, I switch my Pokegear off completely. I think I'd lose my mind if a got a call from Youngster Joey round about now.

    Arcanine barks at me impatiently. I have no choice but to continue. I rest my hand on my Pokémon's back, feeling the warmth seep into my skin, and start walking forwards, feeling the cold crystals crunch beneath my feet. The realisation that I'm going to see Red finally hits me. I'm going to see my friend. We haven't seen each other for years, and now I'm just going to take a stroll to the top of a mountain to see him. I don't even know what the heck I'm gonna say to him.

    I mean, how do you even start a conversation? Hey, we haven't seen each other for years, but do you wanna come down for a drink? It's pathetic. Scratch that. I'm pathetic.

    We continue to walk with one-minded determination, never stopping, never interrupted, completely focused. No Pokémon bother us, save a Sneasel that we see, eating… something pleasant. Arcanine and I stroll through wet caves, trudge through snow drifts and clamber over crooked cliff-sides. It feels like an adventure, and I grin at the fire Pokémon by my side. It lets out a bark as we enter a cave, that harsh note booming all around me.

    This is the main chamber.

    I know it.

    Excessively eager, I return my Pokémon to its ball and set off at a sprint, climbing up the rock face before me. I can see the pale light glinting off the snow at the cavern's exit, and the snowflakes continue to pile in. My hands are sweaty; I slip and slide on the stones, slicing my hands open. I don't care. This is it. I'm almost there. I can see the sky, feel the wind. Crawling on my hands and knees, I've reached the steepest slope. I'm exactly 4 feet away from the opening. A powerful jump is all that it takes to get out. But if I fall, from here, I will surely die.

    It is a risk I'm willing to take.

    Squatting down, I tense. Taking a deep breath, I push against the floor beneath me and spring into the air. My body sails towards the entrance, and I suddenly think I'm not going to make it. Then my arm lands on the outside. I'm safe.

    But the snow is still there. The fabric of my sleeve slips against the silvery surface, and I start to fall.

    Oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no!

    I scream as I fall away. It's the end. I'm dead. I know it. My life flashes before my eyes. Getting my starter, catching my first Pokémon, defeating Brock, getting my first badge, completing the Pokédex, battling Red. I've had a good life.

    I'm not falling. Something, someone has caught me. I look up and see my stupid jacket hanging on a jutting rock. Thank Arceus. I strain my arms upwards, grasping the rock, and with all the strength I can command, I push, hefting my entire body weight upwards. Now my head is level with the exit. Shoulders. Elbows. I can now place my foot on the saving-stone, and I can get out. That's exactly what I do.

    After clambering over, I just lay in the snow and rest. Every inch of me is shuddering, my heart beating faster than I knew it could. I didn't come here to die. I push all thoughts of what just happened out of my mind. Leaping up, I look outside. I came here for a reason. I'm not going to give up now.

    It is grey outside. Fog consumes all. I can't see my hand when I stretch it out. The snow has become hail, and the miniscule frost pieces pummel me, unforgiving. I walk into the chaos with my hood down and my head held high. I will not show weakness in front of Red. I cannot show weakness in front of Red.

    Slowly, the fog becomes thinner, and my vision improves. But it's still gloomy, and has a melancholy air about it. What made this mountain how it is? Why is it so drab and dull? I don't know.

    I keep walking, not knowing what's before me, or below me, or even behind me. I am lost in the clouds. But then I see him. Emerging out of the fog, back to me, is a figure. A red cap sits atop his head. I know him.

    I know him.

    "Red!"

    I know this chapter was a little short, unfortunately, but you should be happy to know why. Blue's exploits are coming to an end. Yes, the next chapter will be the last, and then "Out of the Blue" shall be completed. I look forward to your comments, and as always, smell ya later!
     
    Last edited: May 23, 2017
  10. Ooh, that was nice! There was a lot of characterisation for Blue there, and his Arcanine is always nice to see. I also liked the bit with Gold, as it was quite funny. I'm looking forward to the last chapter!
     
  11. Chibi Pika

    Chibi Pika Stay positive

    This was a fun read! I think you did a pretty good job of getting inside Blue’s head in all his cocky, self-assured but secretly insecure glory. And that battle with Gold was seriously intense! I like how Gold wasn't remotely fazed by Blue's attitude, and responded with attitude of his own.
    I’d go with Horn Drill or Drill Run over Megahorn here. I can’t really see a bug-type move one-shotting a beefy steel-type. Horn Drill is convenient if you think Blue is more the gutsy gambler type, but Drill Run is super effective and has a high crit rate, so that’s another way it could be an OHKO.

    You did a good job setting up all the conflicted feelings Blue has towards Red, from idealizing him to resenting him; from wanting his approval to wanting to show him up. Curious to see how the confrontation in the final chapter will go!

    Also, A+ fic title pun.

    ~Chibi~;249;;448;
     
  12. TikTok13

    TikTok13 Oh, I have a title?

    Thanks for the great comments!
    I did consider those moves at first, but the fight was set during the HGSS time period, during which Rhydon knows Megahorn, and not the other two moves, so the fiction still contains an ounce of canon. I also wanted it to show that Blue has been training in excess, and the power gap is rather large.

    Nevertheless, I'm thankful for this criticism, and I'm looking forward to sharing the final chapter (when it's finished).
     
  13. JX Valentine

    JX Valentine Ever-Discordant

    Gonna have to echo Cutlerine, but for a first Pokémon fic, this is actually really good. I mean, there are two pretty big reasons why I say this:

    1. The battles. A lot of authors—even experienced ones—struggle with pacing and blocking (or choreographing) a battle. Some skimp on the details. Others don't quite get the flow right. Still others don't quite know what to do with their human characters as the battle is going down. And more importantly, in this specific case, your very first battle isn't just any ordinary battle; it's the last battle of a gym circuit, a match between a former champion and the conqueror of fifteen gyms. That is a really big deal.

    And sure enough, it's great. The pacing was spot-on, you included enough details to help the reader out, and not only did Blue's shouting not seem overbearing (nor did it slow down the scene), it served double-duty with character building. So the end result is that not only is it a gripping battle, but you also feel as if you learn a lot about Blue just by hearing him shoot off his mouth towards Gold. The fact that he lost to a sableye is just kinda icing on the cake (because, you know, sableye ... but also, you kinda made that sableye sound hella frightening on top of that).

    2. More importantly (and consistently through all of your chapters thus far), Blue doesn't come off as angsty. Like, he's just gotten beaten into a pulp by some upstart from Johto. He's dealt with years of being beaten to a pulp by Red. And now he's trying to figure out what to do. Yet at no point does he spiral too deeply into self-pity. Oh, sure, he does the whole self-pitying schtick nonetheless, but he's active and very Blue about it (no pun intended). Like ... oftentimes, when you have a character at the end of his rope, it's so very easy to write this long, depressing piece in which the character literally does nothing but feel sorry for themselves. Blue feels sorry for himself, sure, but instead of sitting around, he just climbs a flippin' mountain. It's just so amazing that Blue's solution to feeling bad is punch the feelings in the face, basically. (That's totally why he keeps screaming and battling things, right?) I honestly can't think of anything that's more Blue than that.

    Or, well, I can, but you already wrote it:

    (I love this line. I really do.)

    In short, this is a fascinating, character-driven fic with a nice mix of humor, action, and Blue being Blue. I'm looking forward to seeing what he does when he finally encounters Red.
     
  14. Cutlerine

    Cutlerine Gone. Not coming back.

    Well, I thought I'd check back in and see how this story is developing, and I have to say I continue to be impressed. For a first Pokémon fic, that battle against Gold was really something: you used moves creatively, you got the environment involved, and you struck a good balance between the internal monologue of the trainer and the external action in the arena that even quite experienced fic writers sometimes struggle to get. You continue to hit all the right notes with Blue as well: he's got that incredible self-confidence that survives just about anything, but also that one big weakness, Red, and you do a great job of showing that eating away at him without it veering into the kind of apathy that would be out of character.

    The confusion between tenses that was an issue in the prologue, though, is kinda still there – chapter two, for instance, starts off in the past tense but switches in the second paragraph to present, with the exception of one line where Blue 'lay in the snow' in the past tense. Having said that, the other thing I noticed about chapter one, which was the sometimes intrusive nature of the description, is something you seem to have improved on, so that's good!

    Anyway, I'm going to echo everyone else here and say I'm looking forward to the final encounter, and in particular how you're going to handle Red himself, both independently and in Blue's perspective. Keep up the good work!
     
    Last edited: May 25, 2017
  15. Samayouru

    Samayouru Rabid Dusclops Fan

    You know, as much as I realise that I am echoing everyone else, for your first fanfic this is pretty darn good. One thing that really sticks out to me is how you've nailed Blue's character. I always enjoyed his scenes in the 2nd gen games and their remakes because even though it is quite clear that he's matured, he's still Blue - the overly confident little kid who was always one step ahead of Red up until the final fight. I definitely see that same character being portrayed here and it puts a smile on my face because when Blue is written well in fanfics he can often be the most enjoyable character for me.

    The battle scenes in fanfics can also be really hard to pull off - when they're done well they can be a blast, but when done poorly I do tend to skim them over. Thankfully the battle scene here is the former. It's energetic and you genuinely feel like you're learning about both Blue and Gold as everything plays out. Of course, I have to bring up Sableye - of all the pokemon that could've been picked it had to be one of the most overlooked pokemon from the 3rd gen. Poor Blue, I can't help but feel bad for him. You've done a good job of getting me to root for Blue instead of Gold as well - that's something I don't usually see in fanfics and it's kinda nice to see what things are like for an opponent rather than the typical pokemon protagonist.

    While you still have to work on your tenses, it is nothing when compared to the amazing amount of work you've put into this first attempt at pokemon fanfics. Like many of the others I will be looking forward to reading the final encounter with Red, and how it all plays out!
     
  16. TikTok13

    TikTok13 Oh, I have a title?

    Chapter 3

    To start with, thank you all for the kind comments. They've made me laugh, and they've helped me improve. I liked how people were picking up on Sableye, my favourite Pokémon, and I'm happy that I managed to make people feel sorry for Blue. Anyway, here it is, the final chapter of the first Fan Fiction. I hope you enjoy it. -Yours Sincerely, TikTok13.

    I'm Blue. When I look at a Pokémon, I get a strange feeling - you ever get that? There's round ones, flying ones, swimming ones, flaming ones, freezing ones, shiny ones, dark ones - there are so many different types, and yet, they're all Pokémon. I mean, like Pokémon, there's not just one type of person either… But it's still kind of strange when you think about it.

    No reply.
    "Red!" I cry again, annoyance seeping into my voice.
    Again, no reply.
    "Red…"
    Still nothing.

    This wasn't how I wanted it to go. I was going to open with a joke, but that moment has passed.

    "RED!" I'm angry now. Very.
    He still stands there, quiet, stoical and solitary, with only the howling wind there to answer me. Despite the freezing temperature, I don't shiver. There's a fire within me, and it's like a feral animal, waiting to rip loose.

    "ANSWER ME!" I rip my throat raw. It's time to release all of my anger at once. "FOR ARCEUS' SAKE, ANSWER ME!"

    "YOU THINK YOU'RE SO MUCH BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE! WELL HERE'S SOME NEWS FOR YA BUDDY: YOU'RE NOT! YOU WALK ABOUT FEELING ALL SUPERIOR, AND FORGET ABOUT THE REST OF US!"
    Red is still silent.
    "ANSWER ME! YOU KNOW WHAT? I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU! YOU LEFT ME BEHIND! I DON'T CARE THAT YOU TOOK EVERYTHING FROM ME! YOU LEFT ME! YOUR BEST FRIEND!" I'm crying now. I don't care what people think anymore. I'm weak. I'm sad. I'm lonely.

    Red finally stirs.
    "I'm the most powerful Pokémon trainer in the world," I recognise those words. They're what I said before our battle at the Indigo Plateau.
    "Is that ALL you have to say!?" I'm calmer now, but my voice still shakes, but whether it's with anger or not, I'm not entirely sure. Maybe it has something to do with the tears on my cheeks.
    "I'm the most Pokémon powerful trainer in the world," He repeats. But this time, Red starts to turn, slowly. His eyes are shadowed by the hat that he always wears. The same. Stupid. HAT.

    I reach forward and yank the hat from his head, before letting it blow into the frosty wind. Red doesn't even react. His dark brown eyes just stay focused on his shoes. Quiet, stoic. Inhuman.
    "What's wrong with you!? Why do you never speak!?" Screaming, I push him, right in the chest. Red still does nothing.

    "TURN AROUND AND FACE ME YOU COWARD!"
    I expect no reply. But then the unexpected happens. He speaks, words of his own that make no sense to me.

    "I'm sorry if I hurt you," His voice is barely a whisper, swallowed by the howling wind that now seems to freeze in mid-air. "But if I could take it all back, I would. Truly."

    What? I don't understand. Why is he sorry? I frown at him, straightening up.
    "What?"

    Shaking his head, Red smiles ever so slightly, turning towards me.
    "You never did get it…" Insulted, I start to stride towards him, but he resumes talking. "You think I enjoy this? The cold…the wind… the emptiness? No. But I have to finish what I started. I have to fill the Pokédex, and catch every single Pokémon in our world. Only then can I be worthy of the title of Champion. I left for a purpose. The Pokédex is my burden, and I didn't want you to become as obsessed with it as I am." Now I understand. How could I have been so ignorant, so selfish? Red has been here, living in exile, fighting his own battle as a vagabond with only one goal, and here I am, a jealous kid who's looking for a burst of adrenaline to replicate the past. I seem shallow in comparison.

    This isn't right. And I don't feel better. I'm very, very mad.
    "WHAT WAS THAT WEAK ANSWER!?" Yelling, my hands clench into fists, and from my peripheral vision, I can see my knuckles turn white. "YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING ME SOME KIND OF FAVOUR!? HUH? WELL YOU'RE NOT!" I start to stride closer and closer towards him, until his breath clouds in my face like ethereal steam. Taller than Red, I look down on him, trying to be as intimidating as possible. But I can feel heat rushing to my cheeks - I can't manage intimidation. He's not scared of me anyway. He's not scared of anything.

    I step back, until I'm three meters from Red. This is better. Now I can shout without being too fierce. But shouldn't I be trying to scare him? Show him all the terror and hardship I faced? No. I know nothing of hardship. But I know it better than him.
    "YOU STILL THINK YOU'RE SO HIGH AND MIGHTY! YOU THINK YOU AND YOU ALONE CAN TAKE ON THE TROUBLES OF THE WORLD!" My rival faces me, without so much as a twinge of annoyance in his face, as pale as the snow that swirls in a silent serenade. A crease forms between his eyebrows, and his mouth presses into a thin line. He wants to say something; I can tell. I can tell - but that doesn't mean I'll let him.

    "YOU'RE WRONG! FIGHT ME! FIGHT ME YOU COWARD - PROVE THAT YOU DESERVE THE TITLE OF POKÉMON CHAMPION!" I plunge my fist into my pocket and bring out a Pokémon, pointing it at Red button-first. "FIGHT ME!" He looks at me in an odd way, frowning slightly. Nonetheless, he drew a ball from his own pocket and threw it into the air, before it landed in his palm again.
    "I'll be happy to oblige… It'll be like old times…"

    I release my Pidgeot into the open, where it proceeds to fly in a loop-de-loop over and over, happy to be out again. My mouth is set in a cruel grin, and I relish the thought of crushing Red, to prove that I am the best. Once and for all.

    My smile fades as the light of Red's ball does. A cute, rodent-like Pokémon with red cheeks and a large, flat tail faces me.
    "Pika-Pi!"

    Pikachu.

    For the love of bloody Arceus, why does it have to be Pikachu?
    "Air Slash!" I cry, swiping my arm down through the cold air. It stings, but the pain is proof that I'm truly living. My bird Pokémon zooms towards Pikachu, ready to send the blade of air directly into it, but at the last second, Red orders a Quick Attack, dodging my move, before sending an Iron Tail right off the bat. As Pidgeot tries to slow down and turn to face the electric mouse. But the tail hits Pidgeot square in the back. I watch in terror as my Pokémon sprawls out in the air, its whole body bending from the weight.

    I'm not losing. No. I'm not losing, not this time.
    "Again! Air Slash!" Pidgeot has momentum, and turns, firing a wave of pure air at the rodent. The slice hits the Pikachu square in the face, and it recoils from the damage. I grin, thinking I've beat it, when I see a blur of yellow as the Pokémon charges headfirst into the bird Pokémon. A simple Quick Attack. This makes no sense - I know perfectly well that Red's Pikachu knows electric moves, and they could take my Pokémon out in a single hit. So why is he using Quick Attack? Then it hits me; I'm being toyed with.

    Red is toying with me. The thought makes me sick.
    "Come on Red! Stop going easy on me! AIR SLASH!" Pidgeot charges again, sending another sharp gust of air towards the Pokémon, but it takes time; fatigue is kicking in.
    "Fine." Red says bluntly, glaring at me. "Thunderbolt. Show no mercy." This is the Red I remember. The ruthless, cold-hearted Red that takes advantage of anything he can. Crackling yellow electricity curls around the mouse as it releases a fork of lightning towards my Pidgeot.

    My Pokémon charges at a high speed into the blizzard above. If it can fly away fast enough, it can survive. And it can't be followed. Snow slips beneath my feet as I jump from foot to foot, adrenaline coursing through my veins. Flashes of light pierce the thick clouds that float around us, highlighting silhouettes of a bird. Bolt after bolt after bolt, all missing.
    "MIRROR MOVE!" I cry, as another fork of lighting flies into the sky. The shock bounces back, plummeting towards the snowy floor, directly towards the Pikachu. It misses, but only just, crackling by the mouse's feet. The force of the blast sends the Pokémon tumbling backwards; right off the edge of the narrow path on which we stand. Fear contorts Red's face, and I can feel it twisting mine too, until Red orders another move.

    Volt tackle.

    Pikachu dashes into the air in a flash of yellow electricity, as fast as lightning. A shrill cry echoes across the mountain-top as Pidgeot comes tumbling down, Pikachu crouched on its back.

    The bird Pokémon returns to it's home with a flash of crimson light. Defeated. Pikachu bounds back to its owner, safe and sound.
    "Is that all you got?" I mock, unfazed. I can beat him. I can. And I will.
    "Of course not," Red smiles, stroking the fur atop his Pikachu's head.

    "EXEGGUTOR!" I yell, tossing the ball into the air. The eggplant Pokémon erupts from the ball in an eerie white glow, snow clinging to its body as it hits the ground. I smirk as I see Red scoff on the other side of our battlefield. I have a strategy this time. "TRICK ROOM!" The world suddenly becomes… weird. Everything seems twisted, and abstract. Red is panicking; it's obvious. I doubt that he's ever even seen this move in action.

    "Pikachu, Iron Tail!" He calls, wanting a quick knockout. Exeggutor dodges with blinding speed as Red repeats his command. Attack after attack is swung as my Pokémon, but Trick Room gives me an advantage. My rival orders a Quick Attack, angrily, but I counter attack with a Leaf Storm. The leaves dash towards Pikachu and slice and dice it. I can see Red's confusion - he should have gone first. But Trick Room is useful like that. I'm faster now. Much faster. Now for the strategy. It's a bad idea, but it's necessary. Besides, what's life without a little risk?

    "EXPLOSION! KA-BOOOOOOOM!"

    I smirk as energy clouds around Exeggutor, emanating from his very body. It saps his strength, and I watch as the eggplant collapses. But the explosion continues, making the ground shake. Pikachu tries to run, but Trick Room slows it down, the explosion curling closer, closer. The vapour collides with Pikachu, and smoke obscures my view in a flash.

    Both Pokémon return to their capsules in a trail of red light.

    "You've improved," Grins Red, wiping his brow.
    "Likewise," I feel a manic laugh bubble in my chest, and I release it, the shrill sound strangely calming; as if it is the only normal thing here.

    One hour later, and the battle still rages on. Two unstoppable forces, colliding in a fight to the end. We only have one Pokémon left each. Sweat beads my forehead, and I can feel the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end. The cold, which was soothing to start with, is now clawing and tearing at me like a feral animal. Staring at me with a gaze as icy as the flakes that fall around me, Red releases his final Pokémon. A monstrous Pokémon, covered in thick vermilion skin. Claws curve towards me, and long, pale teeth glitter in firelight. Firelight cast by the Pokémon's tail, sheltered by the massive wings. Red's true partner.

    Charizard.

    My hand unconsciously clutches my final ball, and I throw it overhead, just like I did when I first released this Pokémon. Its stubby, armoured legs make snow drifts pile up, and a large, maroon casing covers the whole body. Two silvery pipes stick out of that casing, glinting in the dull daylight. My partner Pokémon. My starter. My Blastoise.
    "BLAAAAAS…TOISE!"

    "Just like our first fight, huh?" I growl, clenching my teeth in a fierce grimace. Without replying, Red nods.
    "Dragon Claw!" Charizard lunges towards me, talons covered in blazing energy.
    "Blastoise, dodge!" My Pokémon moves just in time, before I order a quick Ice Beam attack. The blast hits Charizard square in the neck, frost crystals forming instantly. The blast continues, freezing the Pokémon solid. I think I'm about to win, that I'm going to prove myself. Then Charizard's fist pummel the frozen floor, making it shake. Earthquake! The Ice Beam ceases as Blastoise tumbles backwards, Charizard wrenching free from the crystals that fasten it in place.

    We order our Pokémon over and over and over, each time trying to catch the other out.
    "Earthquake!"
    "ICE BEAM!"
    "Flamethrower!"
    "DODGE IT!"
    But the fight is getting tougher. Charizard's flame is melting the snow of Mt. Silver, revealing the craggy slate beneath. Blastoise slips and slides of the thin ice that cakes the floor, but Charizard clings on with curved claws. The narrow path is not the best place to fight.

    This fight is good for one thing and one thing only. I've only just realised, while my Pokémon clash with titans. I'm not angry with Red anymore. When I look at him, I see the 10 year old kid, raring to choose his starter. I see my friend.

    Now I'm facing him, staring him down. Charizard and Blastoise glare at each other, releasing heaving breaths at irregular beats. Red nods at me, and we command our Pokémon in sync.
    "FIRE BLAST!"
    "Hydro Pump!"
    A pressurised stream of water collides with searing flames, and vapour instantly begins to cloud the air. The heat makes my skin prickle, and I need to shield my eyes from the bright flames. Black smoke is billowing from Charizard's mouth now, and Blastoise is backing down.
    "C'mon Blastoise!" I cry, pleading, hoping beyond hope.
    Blastoise seems to hear. Water gushes from his cannon and the collision of fire and water is beautiful but deadly. Fire and water; Red and Blue.

    The attacks explode in a cloud of soot and steam, my clothes fluttering in the force of the wind that wraps around me. I don't bother shielding my eyes; I only care about the outcome. But the coal-black powder still obscures my view. I have no idea who's won, and for a moment, fear grips my chest. What if I lost?

    The fear is short lived. Charizard is on the ground, beat and bruised, with Blastoise towering triumphantly above it. I can't believe it. I won. I actually won.
    "YEAH!" I squeal like a little girl, jumping up and down with unquenchable excitement. "I KNEW I COULD DO IT!" I look across at Red, who's face is a mask of bewilderment, caked in soot and muck. He grins at me, before making his way across the frosty path that separates us.
    "Well done," Returning his Charizard back to its ball, he stretches out a hand. "You are officially better than me."

    I look at his hand, and for some reason, I don't want to shake it. It's as if touching him will make me like him. I convinced myself that I wanted to beat him to prove myself, and make myself better, but was that what I really wanted? Maybe once, I wanted to be like him. Now I'm better; now I'm just… me.

    I'm better than Red. The thought is so underwhelming. Surely it should be worth more? No, I didn't come here to win. I came to bring him back.
    "You look like the rear end of a Tauros." I say, beaming. I couldn't think of anything else to say, and that was the first thing that came to mind.
    "So do you," Returns Red. Then we both laugh. After all these years, all the anger that was boiling in side, we're laughing. It makes no sense; life makes no sense. But do I care? Nah!

    "You ready to come home, buddy?" I ask him, shaking his hand at last. I don't want to be like him. I want to be my own role model. Red seems to hesitate at first, clenching his teeth in a mixture between a grin and a grimace. Eventually, he nods.
    "Yes. I think I am." Returning Blastoise to his ball, we start to make our way to the cave that I came from; where I almost fell to my doom. That seems like an eternity ago now. As we reach the entrance, I notice a winding path that leads all the way to the bottom.
    "Muking hell…" I murmur under my breath. I was so focused, I was oblivious to the easy route.

    Oh well. Life is gonna be easier now.

    Red leads the way, his footsteps echoing in our stale silence.
    "Blue?" He asks, after a few minutes.
    "Yeah mate?" I say, trying out the casual word. It sounds odd, like it should never be used to address Red.

    "You smell like Trubbish,"

    I have half a mind to push him over the edge.

    I'm Blue. I've spent most of my life in someone else's shadow. My times in the sun were stolen from me. But even after all that, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't hate the guy who was better than me. He taught me to never give up, to learn from my mistakes, and to encourage others and believe in their strength. I was once weak. Now I'm strong. Stronger than him. But that wasn't what my journey was about. When he left, I lost a friend. I wanted him back. And now that he's back, I'm not jealous anymore. A wise man oice said: "Strength and strength alone is what matters in this world. So I believed. But, winning in Pokémon battles isn't all there is to life. We all have our own band of strength, people and Pokémon both. The strength to make our dreams a reality, the strength to protect what we hold most dear…" I don't really care who said this, but the kid's right. We are all strong, and we don't need to prove it for other people to know. I know who I am. I am Blue. I am a Pokémon Trainer. And I am happy, knowing that there is always someone better.


    P.S. Smell ya later!




    THE END
     
  17. Well, I had come back from a quick writing break and went to check the forums quick, and then I saw this.

    Hood boy, was this a good one.

    I know this first appeared at the end, but I gotta mention: isn't that quote at the end Cheren? I couldn't help but grin when I saw that. This also doesn't bring the fic down, but bear in mind that Cheren hadn't even said that quote at the time this fic supposedly takes place (I'm assuming that Blue is replacing Gold/Kris/Lyra in defeating Red here). Doesn't change anything about the fic, it just entertained me a little. Blue can predict the future 0.o

    Now, onto the rest.

    Blue feels scarily in character here. Just give him a bit more snark and I wouldn't be surprised if this was official. I also liked how you chose to not make Red a blank slate - it helps to show the two kids and their bromance. The battle was also extremely well-written, and it utilised the area around where the main battle was taking place, which made it feel somewhat vivid. Kudos on all that!

    Oh yeah, and Muking hell is brilliant. Although I would think that "Muking Distortion" would be more reasonable, but it's just a minor thing.

    (I'm not that good at reviewing so I'm just gonna end it there since I can't think of anything else to say.)

    Overall, this is great for a sort-of first fic! (The Platonic Writing Contest thing technically is, but that's really good too so yeah)
     
  18. TikTok13

    TikTok13 Oh, I have a title?

    The quote is Cheren, but the Fic (At the point of the battle) is set a few years after the Protagonist of HG/SS defeats Red, so the timeline does (kind of) fit. You may not have noticed, but Gold's phonecall in the previous chapter, but Cheren is referenced to as "Cheer".

    Overall, thanks for this review, and inspiring me for the RNG. I'm looking forward to writing my next Fic, and while I won't say who it is centred on, I will provide the title: "A Grim Deal"
     
  19. JX Valentine

    JX Valentine Ever-Discordant

    Aww, this is a cute ending.

    Now, I have to admit that there are bits and pieces that tell me you may want to slow down when it comes to editing. (For example, there's an instance of "oice" instead of "once," there seems to be some its/it's confusion going on, you end some lines of dialogue with a comma instead of a period despite the fact that they have no dialogue tags, and so on.)

    But! Once polished up, what you'd have left is yet anotehr gripping battle, coupled with Blue's fun bits of inner turmoil and bittersweet revelations. I couldn't help but crack a grin at the beginning, as it showed this glimmer of what Blue is outside of his grudge against Red: just as much the grandson of Professor Oak as one would expect, someone who's infinitely curious about the wonders of pokémon. So of course, the conclusion was also rather fun because it feels like finally, Blue can move on, can push past the shadow of Red and realize his own potential.

    But dang, the road to get there. Like, even reading that capslock was cathartic because you can just tell that represents years of anger and frustration. But at the same time, what's interesting about the battle itself is that it goes from that—from Blue's desperation to fight and to not lose—to the enjoyment of the battle itself. Blue summarizes a good chunk of the fighting (not only in the "one hour later" part but also in the rush of attack names), which normally would be an iffy thing, but here, it's great because it says so much about his shifting priorities. So of course his victory feels a little anticlimactic, not simply because he got what he wanted (a battle and an apology from Red) but also because so much energy was expended to get there. Nothing like exorcising one's inner demons, right?

    So by the end, it's hard not to feel happy for Blue and relieved that he managed to convince Red to come back with him (through hardcore battling, no less). And that note where they banter back and forth ("you look like the rear end of a Tauros"/"you smell like Trubbish") is just so satisfying because it offers up one final, hopeful note on the future of their relationship.

    In short, this was a fun conclusion to a rather intense character study. Sure, some of the bits and pieces could be polished up a bit, but other than that, this was an enjoyable read.
     
  20. Cutlerine

    Cutlerine Gone. Not coming back.

    I don't really know what kind of an ending I expected, but this one is very true to Blue, as this fic has been throughout. He's feeling a lot of different emotions, and every single one comes out as anger, because he's Blue, so of course it does. It would be really tempting to write him suddenly calming down when Red speaks to him, but you don't let him do that, and it's one of those little things that makes all the difference: Blue's anger doesn't blow out that easily; it's the kind that feeds on pretty much everything in front of it and just grows and grows.

    And then there's the battle, which is fast and frenetic and a good way of burning Blue out, so that he's left emptier and ready for reconciliation at the end. I liked your interpretation of Red, the way you gave him a single-minded obsession as a sort of sly nod to the fact that that's what a video game protagonist would actually look like to the other people in their world, and I liked how you brought him and Blue together at the end: Red's attempt at formality, like a Champion resigning, and Blue's immediate move to sidestep that and lean into their original relationship, from before either of them were League members or even trainers. Excellent stuff.

    As far as I can tell, you've got a lot better at keeping the tenses regular, too, which is great. Only some of your paragraphs have lines between them to space them out, which is kind of odd, and at the end '“You smell like Trubbish,”' ends with a comma where it ought to end with a period, but overall this is a solid end to a solid story. Short, sweet, and an excellent character portrait of Blue. I have to say, if this is your first Pokémon fic, I'm really looking forward to seeing how your second one turns out.
     

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