Outcast (my first fic)

[Confused no more]

Well, I got bored, so I decided to write a fic. Oh, and this is my first fic, so don’t go too hard with the criticism…

Outcast​

Prologue

“Please…don’t hurt me!” “Shut up!” In the fields of Dark Mountain, there stood two creatures, they confronted each other by complete accident. One was a poor, small, defenseless creature. She was a rabbit-like character, with a shining blue coat. She was by name, called Azumaril. She crossed into dark Pokemon territory on accident, and was being interrogated by a ferocious black dog. A Mightyena was its breed.
It growled at the poor water rabbit. It seemed for her that the inevitable was coming. But when the creature was about to capture the poor Azumaril in its jaws, there was a flash. A shadowy figure leaped from the bushes and struck the vicious beast with a mighty blow. Up from the underbrush rose a creature so dark, it struck fear into the frightened Azumaril. The beast revealed itself from its place of hiding. It had shaggy white fur, and from the side of its head protruded a black horn. It had razor-sharp claws and shining teeth. Its black tail stood straight. There was only one name for a creature like this: an Absol.
It jumped down towards the blue rabbit. The poor little thing trembled, but was calmed by Absol’s words, “It’s alright; those stupid cops are gone.” “Th…th…thank you…” The creature was still shaking. Finally, she ran off, leaving Absol alone with the mutilated Mightyena.
“Absol…you’ve crossed the line this time…” Whispered a dark beast lurking in the shadows of the trees. The dark creature had piercing red eyes and had bright rings on its body. This sly character was an Umbreon; he was a spy for the Dark Pokemon Police. He skidded off to warn the dark Pokemon of Absol’s “treachery”.
A while later, Absol was captured by two massive beasts, they had rock-hard plates and a ferocious look in their eyes, these were the fierce Tyranitar. They were usually the last things a person would see. Absol was dragged off to the highest peak.
“Order! Order in the court!” the order echoed through the violent crowd of shadowy creatures as they stood awaiting Absol’s trial. The “judge” was shrouded in the shadows and no one knew his identity. “We’ve gathered here for the trial of Absol the Traitor. He always did try to be above the law. For ten years the Pokemon of the world were at war, and we became isolated in different regions. But now, other Pokemon have crossed the border, and this traitor protected them. He’s guilty of both the murder of Dark Pokemon Officers and fraternizing with other Pokemon. I say we hang him!” The judge started a riot, but from the crowd arose an unusual creature. She had coal-black fur and sharp claws, and from her head protruded a pink feather.
“Absol’s innocent!” She proclaimed. The eyes of the crowd shifted their attention to her. Their eyes glared at her. “Sneasel get out of here!” Absol yelled. “So this girl is your friend? For assisting the mutinous Absol, we hereby appoint Sneasel for the death sentence!” The words struck Absol cold in his heart. As the guards came near her, Absol used all his might to break free of his chains and sprung in front of Sneasel. He growled at the guards, “You can do what you want with me, but do not touch her!” “I see…Alright, I’ll let her off the death penalty on one condition. You must regain your honor by defeating the leaders of each Pokemon type, when you do, we will free her. But one wrong move and we’ll kill her!” And the judge took a knife, an object so frightening. Only the vilest creatures carried it, only one name could describe them: humans. This blade was taken from a human that tried to capture the Pokemon of Dark Mountain.
He took the blade and cut into Sneasel’s hand. Blood fell from the scar, and she screamed in pain. “Stop it!” Absol demanded. Finally, he agreed reluctantly, “Fine, I have no choice, I’ll do it.” “Good…” replied the judge, “You should head for the Sunshine Plains first. And remember, one wrong move and…well, you know. But just to make sure, we’ll be keeping an eye on you, Murkrow, come here.” And from the trees flew a black bird with a witch’s hat topping its head. “Yes master?” It inquired. “I need you to look after this traitor; now then Absol, you better get moving you fool.”
Absol no longer hesitated; he knew what he had to do. Absol ran off towards the borders of Dark Mountain, heading towards the land of the Normal type Pokemon. And so begins the chronicles of the outcast to regain his honor and save the one that is precious to him.

Well, that’s the prologue, I’ll have chapter one up later, and I hope I get some replies!

 

[Dilasc]

This is just one jumbled paragraph that you wrote up in MS word. Seriously, what the heck is wrong with you? You have the brains to use a word processor, but recies pieces can write better paragraphs than you can!

After someone talks, use the enter key twice! When starting a new paragraph in general, hit enter, TWICE! You must learn these things!

Now, as fior the story itself. It seems meh. It's a bit too early to judge, but it'd be much easier to judge if you were to format this correctly!

 

[Psychic]

First of all, whoever voted this a single star is an idiot and a coward.

I can't say this fic deserves more than 3 stars, though. Here's my review:

Description: Well, you tried. But try harder on describing more aspects of the Pokémon. I mean, had you not actually said what each Pokémon was, I would not have known. I mean, at first I thought the Azumaril was a Shiny Mew!
Also, you didn't describe the surroundings. I have absolutely no idea where this fic is taking place! And where was the court held? Did they have a real couthouse? What is it like?
When you vaguely refer to characters, such as the guards, well, we have no idea what species these guards are!
You have to explain things to us so we can see it all properly in our heads! That's the point in having description.

Characters: They were all introduced too fast, not that it's hard to keep track of them. Work more on giving them distinct personalities; remember, all characters act and react differently!
Why don't these Pokémon have names? Don't you think it's silly to have a fic based around Pokémon ONLY without them having actual names? I mean, what if there's more then one Sneasel at the court? If someone says "Sneasel!" all the Sneasel there will reply!

Plot: We don't really get what's been going around. I don't quite understand: the Dark Pokémon had some kind of war with all the other species of Pokémon, now they hate each other?
Why is this Sneasel being killed if it's a friend of Absol? If I was friends with someone who murdured, would I be killed? Heck, I wouldn't even be sent to jail! I just doesn't matter!
So....Absol has to kill one of EVERY species of Pokémon? But that's over 300 species! How is anyone supposed to kill that many Pokémon?! And what is that going to achieve? It'll just get other Pokémon angry, so they'll go and attack the Dark types!

Format: Firstly, this shouldn;t have been the Prologue, This should have been a chapter. A Prologue is usually a scene that doesn't include any of the main characters. It is a brief history of events leading up to the story itself. In the case of your fic, it would have been an explanation of this war you were talking about.
The story just goes too fast. You introduce characters all at once, make them go away, change the scene, ALL TOO FAST! Slow it down by adding description and emotions that characters are feeling.


Spelling/Grammar: Well, you typed on Microsoft Word, which is good. Only, you ignored an elementary rule of writing: start a new paragraph whenever someone speaks. That way, it isn't just this huge block or writing. Also, on Serebii, we skip TWO lines whenever we start a new paragraph.
(Note: a chapter must always be at least a page long, but if you had spaced this 'Prologue' properly, it could have been a chapter, leaving you to make a proper Prologue.)


My final verdict: it wasn't terrible, but it wasn't great, either. I suggest you go read Advise for Aspiring Authors and a few well-known 5 star fics.

~Psychic
PS: 'Outcast' is the name of the Prologue for my fic, 'The Mutations'.

 

[Confused no more]

I know, it's like this. I did do the double enter, but for some reason, it wouldn't let it onto to the server. I tried to edit it, but it wouldn't let me.

 

[Confused no more]

sorry 'bout the double post, but I need to apologize for the lack of description. I thought that it would be more convenient to quote characters that were already mentioned. The guards were tyranitar, i believe i mentioned them earlier. And no, he doesn't have to kill EVERY species. You see, I wish I had included this. They took Sneasel as negative reinforcement to get Absol to do their dirty work. They want to rule, so they want Absol to murder the leaders of each type. For example, say that the leader of the normal types was a Slaking, so he'd have to kill that one Slaking leader.

 

[Dilasc]

You ever hear of the edit button? You really should use it, rather than bumping your story in such a manner.

 

[Confused no more]

I stated earlier in the post above that the server wouldn't let me edit it.

 

[Confused no more]

Welcome Chapter 1 (With improvement I hope)

Chapter one is in! Sorry about the prologue, I’ll try to do this chapter better.

Chapter 1: Welcome to Sunshine Plains!

Absol continued to walk from the outskirts of Dark Mountain. It was a gloomy day, and Absol was filled with sorrow as he treaded the barren path. The dead trees along the road only added to his misery.

“Why? Why did they have to hurt Sneasel?” Absol thought to himself. He wanted to help her, but as long as the “idiotic snitch of a Murkrow” was watching, he couldn’t. Alas, it was true. As long as that dark crow was spying on him, Absol was powerless.

“There has to be a way to save her…” he thought, “right now the only thing I can do is kill the other leaders. I never did like fighting.”

“I remember when there was peace. These last ten years have been awful because of the war. I was abandoned as a child, no one cared for a troublemaker like me. Then I met Sneasel, she was the only one who ever cared about me. She was like a sister to me. She stood up for me when I was in the worst of times. Why did they have to take her? I would have rather died then know she was in danger.” Absol’s heart felt shattered.

Absol, he wasn’t the best person. In fact, he was quite a little devil. But he did believe in justice, especially when it involved a girl. But now the only person he could think of was Sneasel. He used to only think of himself, he never cared for anyone because no one cared for him. But Sneasel changed that; she warmed his heart of ice. She did have quite a temper though. Absol wasn’t perfect either. He admitted that much. For some reason though, Sneasel seemed to get steamed whenever Absol was flirting with other girls, this happened about every day.

“I’ll make those fiends regret the day they laid a hand on Sneasel!” Absol clenched his teeth. But now his mind went back to other thoughts.

“The only thing to do now is to keep focusing and keep on walking…” Absol growled, but he remembered that he was being watched by his “guardian devil”, so he held onto his temper.

While caught up in his thoughts, Absol didn’t notice that he had come to the end of Darkling Woods. The sight of the sun brought him a smile for a moment, but it was very short. He looked behind him as he took the last glimpse he’d see of his bleak home. He felt sad once again, he tried to hold it in, but he couldn’t help but shed a few tears.

Then he saw a sign, it read: Sunshine Plains, Normal Type Pokemon civilization (NO OTHER POKEMON ALLOWED WHATSOEVER!). The sign was rather repelling, but that didn’t stop him. Absol would not let a stupid sign get in his way. He just cut down the sign with his claws, a monument to his broken heart. He had finally arrived at the first region, but he knew he only accomplished the easy part. He stared at the moon and saw Sneasel’s face. He held on to his pride and was filled with new inspiration, so he marched towards the pale white town. He had no idea what he would find there, but that didn’t stop him…

“You over there!” Absol called out to a ferret-like creature, with white and brown stripes. The small, furry animal glared at him. It was a Furret. The creature came up to Absol and checked his scent to see if he was a threat.

“Sound the alarm! Intruder alert!” yelled the panicking Furret. Then, several beasts stood looking at the shocked Absol right in the face.

“What would happen next?” thought Absol. Would this be where it would all end? And what would happen to Sneasel? His blood was racing, his anxiety was of overwhelming size, and as thoughts pulsed through his mind, it seemed the inevitable would come.

What will come next? Find out in the next chapter! Hope that was an improvement. Hope I get some better reviews for this chapter.

 

[~*Ratiosu*~]

You didnt change anything! It's still about three or so paragraphs, and everything Psychic and Dilasc said is still in this chapter. Really...and why won't your server let you edit it? It makes no sense. Every server should be able to support this. I think.

 

[Confused no more]

You didnt change anything! It's still about three or so paragraphs, and everything Psychic and Dilasc said is still in this chapter. Really...and why won't your server let you edit it? It makes no sense. Every server should be able to support this. I think.

Well, I tried to double-enter it. That was a little harsh criticsm. I did take in their tips, but I guess I have to focus a little harder...I don't know why, but every time I click the edit button, it won't work...

 

[~*Ratiosu*~]

Well, it was only harsh because you didn't listen at all. Refresh the page and click edit two or so times.

 

[Confused no more]

Well, it was only harsh because you didn't listen at all. Refresh the page and click edit two or so times.

I did that like a billion times...

 

[Confused no more]

okay guys, for future reference, I hope this can be the editted version of the prologue:

Well, I got bored, so I decided to write a fic. Oh, and this is my first fic, so don’t go too hard with the criticism…

Outcast​

Prologue
(Technically...according to some people it should be chapter one, but will be reffered to as a prologue.)

“Please…don’t hurt me!” “Shut up!” In the fields of Dark Mountain, there stood two creatures, they confronted each other by complete accident. One was a poor, small, defenseless creature. She was a rabbit-like character, with a shining blue coat. She was by name, called Azumaril. She crossed into dark Pokemon territory on accident, and was being interrogated by a ferocious black dog. A Mightyena was its breed.

It growled at the poor water rabbit. It seemed for her that the inevitable was coming. But when the creature was about to capture the poor Azumaril in its jaws, there was a flash. A shadowy figure leaped from the bushes and struck the vicious beast with a mighty blow. The little Azumaril sighed a relief until she saw that up from the underbrush rose a creature so dark, it struck fear into the frightened Azumaril.

The beast revealed itself from its place of hiding. It had shaggy white fur, and from the side of its head protruded a black horn. It had razor-sharp claws and shining teeth. Its black tail stood straight. There was only one name for a creature like this: an Absol.

It jumped down towards the blue rabbit. The poor little thing trembled, but was calmed by Absol’s words, “It’s alright; those stupid cops are gone.” “Th…th…thank you…” The creature was still shaking. Finally, she ran off, leaving Absol alone with the mutilated Mightyena.

“Absol…you’ve crossed the line this time…” Whispered a dark beast lurking in the shadows of the trees. The dark creature had piercing red eyes and had bright rings on its body. This sly character was an Umbreon; he was a spy for the Dark Pokemon Police. He skidded off to warn the dark Pokemon of Absol’s “treachery”.

A while later, Absol was captured by two massive beasts, they had rock-hard plates and a ferocious look in their eyes, these were the fierce Tyranitar. They were usually the last things a person would see. They then dragged Absol to the highest peak.

“Order! Order in the court!” the order echoed through the violent crowd of shadowy creatures as they stood awaiting Absol’s trial. The trial was being held at the top of the misty and depressing mountain. Dark shadows ran across the rugged mountain. The “judge” was shrouded in the shadows and no one knew his identity. “We’ve gathered here for the trial of Absol the Traitor. He always did try to be above the law. For ten years the Pokemon of the world were at war, and we became isolated in different regions. But now, other Pokemon have crossed the border, and this traitor protected them. He’s guilty of both the murder of Dark Pokemon Officers and fraternizing with other Pokemon. I say we hang him!”

The judge started a riot, but from the crowd arose an unusual creature. She had coal-black fur and sharp claws, and from her head protruded a pink feather.

“Absol’s innocent!” She proclaimed. The eyes of the crowd shifted their attention to her. Their eyes glared at her.

“Sneasel get out of here!” Absol yelled.

“So this girl is your friend? For assisting the mutinous Absol, we hereby appoint Sneasel for the death sentence!” The words struck Absol cold in his heart. As the Tyranitar guard force came near her, Absol used all his might to break free of his chains and sprung in front of Sneasel. He growled at the guards

“You can do what you want with me, but do not touch her!”

“I see…Alright, I’ll let her off the death penalty on one condition. You must regain your honor by defeating the leaders of each Pokemon type, when you do, we will free her. But one wrong move and we’ll kill her!” and the judge took a knife, an object so frightening. Only the vilest creatures carried it, only one name could describe them: humans. This blade was taken from a human that tried to capture the Pokemon of Dark Mountain.

He took the blade and cut into Sneasel’s hand. Blood fell from the scar, and she screamed in pain.

“Stop it!” Absol demanded. Finally, he agreed reluctantly, “Fine, I have no choice, I’ll do it.”

“Good…” replied the judge, “You should head for the Sunshine Plains first. And remember, one wrong move and…well, you know. But just to make sure, we’ll be keeping an eye on you, Murkrow, come here.” And from the trees flew a black bird with a witch’s hat topping its head.

“Yes master?” It inquired. “I need you to look after this traitor; now then Absol, you better get moving you fool.”

"Murkrow," the judge whisphered to the jet-black bird, "we're going to hang on to this girl for negative reinforcement. As long as we have her in custody, Absol will do anything we ask."

"Understood my lord." Murkrow responded.

Absol no longer hesitated; he knew what he had to do. Absol ran off towards the borders of Dark Mountain, heading towards the land of the Normal type Pokemon. And so begins the chronicles of the outcast to regain his honor and save the one that is precious to him.

Well, that’s the prologue, I’ll have chapter one up later, and I hope I get some replies!

 

[Dark Executionist]

I stated earlier in the post above that the server wouldn't let me edit it.

I dont blame him for that.Y'see,when ever I click on the edit button,it doesn't do nething,weird,eh?

 

[Confused no more]

Get ready for chapter 2 *gulp*

I hope that chapter 2 is better.

Chapter 2: Battle 1! Showdown with Slaking

Previously…

Then he saw a sign, it read: Sunshine Plains, Normal Type Pokemon civilization (NO OTHER POKEMON ALLOWED WHATSOEVER!). The sign was rather repelling, but that didn’t stop him. Absol would not let a stupid sign get in his way. He just cut down the sign with his claws, a monument to his broken heart. He had finally arrived at the first region, but he knew he only accomplished the easy part. He stared at the moon and saw Sneasel’s face. He held on to his pride and was filled with new inspiration, so he marched towards the pale white town. He had no idea what he would find there, but that didn’t stop him…

“You over there!” Absol called out to a ferret-like creature, with white and brown stripes. The small, furry animal glared at him. It was a Furret. The creature came up to Absol and checked his scent to see if he was a threat.

“Sound the alarm! Intruder alert!” yelled the panicking Furret. Then, several beasts stood looking at the shocked Absol right in the face.

“What would happen next?” Thought Absol. Would this be where it would all end? And what would happen to Sneasel? His blood was racing, his anxiety was of overwhelming size, and as thoughts pulsed through his mind, it seemed the inevitable would come.

“Who dares enter my domain?!” snapped a grouchy voice. The voice was raspy and hoarse. Absol could tell by the sound and attitude that this voice belonged to either a powerful being or a tired and cranky ruler, either way, it wasn’t friendly.

“Who wants to know?” Absol replied to the voice in a rude manner as he usually did whenever he talked with people. He soon realized that his sarcasm was a big mistake.

The voice became enraged and released angered grunts and growls. It grumbled in a low tone, which seemed to be an order to the army, but it was too low a tone for Absol to hear, but it seemed that the army of Normal Pokemon understood.

The species of the small army varied from Rattata with their purple fur and long whiskers to sharp-clawed, pointy-toothed Vigoroth. But no matter their shape or size, one thing remained the same; they all glared at Absol with hatred in their eyes. Absol was used to being looked at with such hatred, so he simply glared back without flinching. Some of the Pokemon became afraid and whimpered at the sight of Absol. They did not dare to stare into his piercing eyes. Absol’s eyes changed from its usual jet-black tone to an enraged red.

“Oh please…” Absol’s sarcasm rang in the ears of all the other Pokemon, “if you’re such a powerful ruler, then why hide behind your little army? Why not come out and fight me yourself…coward…”

That final word stung the voice’s pride. There was a large stomping of feet from behind the row of “soldiers”. The footsteps felt like small earthquakes, Absol held his ground. He wouldn’t back down; he’d fight for Sneasel’s sake.

The voice finally revealed the body to which it belonged. It was a mammoth of a beast. It was a large, ape-like fiend. He stared at Absol with beating eyes. His nose was shaded dark pink; his hairy chest bulged out. The creature had tufts of white hair covering his chest, his fur tanned brown, and he had white hair from the sides of his head. He looked rather old, but ferocious nonetheless. This large primate appeared very angry at the “tiny and puny nuisance”, that is, angry with Absol. When he stood up, he was more than six feet tall.

This beast went by the title “Slaking”. He acted like Absol was “calling him out”. He leaped forward and grabbed the unsuspecting Absol by the neck and threw him across the field. Absol landed with a thump. His fur was now shaggy from that previous fling. Absol seemed dazed as he stared from beneath the bushes. He looked up; the sun was red, the sky was dyed orange, the weeds surrounding him seemed to hold him to the ground.

Slaking approached Absol as he struggled to get up. Absol wouldn’t let it end like this. Then he remembered the time he first met Sneasel…

“ ‘Are you okay?’ she had asked sincerely. Her face was kind; it was something Absol had never seen before…

‘Leave me alone!’ Absol pushed her away, his heart was a lump of coal, and he felt no love.

‘Please…let me help you…’ Sneasel reached out her gentle hand and Absol accepted, and from that day on, his heart of ice melted into a caring and tender heart.”

“I won’t let her down!” Absol clenched his teeth and leaped from the ground in the nick of time! Slaking’s fist missed Absol by just an inch; Absol’s sweat ran down his face.

Absol jumped from the treetop upon the awestruck Slaking. Absol’s claws carved a massive scar across the beast’s chest. The Slaking covered his chest in agony. But Slaking kept his mind on the battle. He roared and pounded his fists against his chest. He leaped off the ground and punched Absol right in the stomach.

Absol fell to the ground, everything grew dark, but he kept his eyes open, he knew he had to keep fighting. He wouldn’t give up! A newfound passion burned in his heart. He pushed every numb muscle in his body to get up. He looked for a weak spot...

“Aha!” he thought to himself, he found it! Slaking’s chest was still injured from that first blow. Absol gave it everything he had; he got up and stared at the shocked Slaking in the face.

“Impossible! No one has survived a fatal blow like that!” Slaking’s jaw dropped in shock, “I don’t understand it, but either way, that shaggy-haired fool will DIE!” Slaking’s threats were in vain however; Absol sank his claws deep within the massive beast’s flesh. The beast howled in agony as it let out its final breath. Blood stained his nails. Blood gushed from Slaking’s mouth. Absol saw death before, but it never seemed that hideous. The other Normal Pokemon stared at him in shock, but Absol didn’t need to kill them, so he kept on moving.

“I don’t want to kill. But I realize now that I have to do something, killing fellow Pokemon just to save the only one who’s shown me compassion. What have I become? Those tyrants are keeping Sneasel so they can use me as a weapon…but I have to keep fighting until I think of something…I guess I should be going…” Absol’s heart stung as he sighed. He started walking down the road, towards the next region and the new things that await him…

Well, that was chapter 2; I hope I’m improving. Sorry reviewers, please ignore the prologue, as stated earlier, I can’t use the edit button for some reason, oh well…just ignore the bad script and review the other chapters please.

 

[Psychic]

Ok, look; I tried to be nice. I tried to be polite. I tried not to be harsh.
I tried to help you, and you took everything I said and threw it down the toilet!

First of all, your Chapter 1 was too short. So, it broke a fic rule. You didn't listen to anything I said to you about characters or description.
The only difference with your new Prologue is that the paragraphing is better. Other than that, again, you made no effort in fixing up your description, or anything else for that matter.


Let's see....chapter 2...
It was also kinda crappy. Not as bad as the other chapters, but still not so great.
First of all, if you have a whole 'army' of Pokémon, why don't they all just attack? Why are some of them afraid? It's just one stupid Dark-type! It's called 'power in numbers'. A huge army is more than a match for a single creature.
Stop using the word 'scar'. Just stop. You don't get a scar every time you scratch yourself, and neither do Pokémon (who are even stronger than humans with even tougher hides).
The battle was too fast.
So...what? Absol kills the Slaking then just walks away? What, as if the other Normal-types aren't going to chase after it? Riiiiight.
Where's the Murkrow during this entire chapter? Doesn't it hear Absol muttering the whole time?
Absol's fur was ALREADY shaggyu before the battle; you said so yourself.

“ ‘Are you okay?’ she had asked sincerely. Her face was kind; it was something Absol had never seen before…

‘Leave me alone!’ Absol pushed her away, his heart was a lump of coal, and he felt no love.

‘Please…let me help you…’ Sneasel reached out her gentle hand and Absol accepted, and from that day on, his heart of ice melted into a caring and tender heart.”

OMFG, SOOO INSANELY CORNY.
First of all, flashbacks should be in Italics, not quotation marks.
Second, that was horribly written. We didn't even KNOW it was a flashback, and when we firgured it out, we have a lot of quetions:
When is this? Where are they? What's wrong with Absol/why did he get hurt? Why does a random Pokémon randomly want to help andother random Pokémon? WHY DOES SNEASEL SUDDENLY HAVE A HAND? How was Absol's 'heart of ice' melted so quickly/suddenly? If it was 'melted', why does he still act so uncaring?


Oh, and MAJOR PLOT HOLE:
do you honestly think that ALL Normal types live in the same place on the Earth? Do you? Pokémon live in tribes of a single species (and it's evolutions). Why would they suddenly decide to start living together? HOW would they decide to live together? I mean, you don't just randomly say "Hey, I think all Jews should come over and live in Canada!" because not everyody's going to want to come over, and HOW would you tell them all to come over?
What about dual-type Pokémon? Where do they live if they have two types?!


Yup, this fic seriously needs fine-tuning...


~Psychic

 

[Confused no more]

Ok, look; I tried to be nice. I tried to be polite. I tried not to be harsh.
I tried to help you, and you took everything I said and threw it down the toilet!

First of all, your Chapter 1 was too short. So, it broke a fic rule. You didn't listen to anything I said to you about characters or description.
The only difference with your new Prologue is that the paragraphing is better. Other than that, again, you made no effort in fixing up your description, or anything else for that matter.


Let's see....chapter 2...
It was also kinda crappy. Not as bad as the other chapters, but still not so great.
First of all, if you have a whole 'army' of Pokémon, why don't they all just attack? Why are some of them afraid? It's just one stupid Dark-type! It's called 'power in numbers'. A huge army is more than a match for a single creature.
Stop using the word 'scar'. Just stop. You don't get a scar every time you scratch yourself, and neither do Pokémon (who are even stronger than humans with even tougher hides).
The battle was too fast.
So...what? Absol kills the Slaking then just walks away? What, as if the other Normal-types aren't going to chase after it? Riiiiight.
Where's the Murkrow during this entire chapter? Doesn't it hear Absol muttering the whole time?
Absol's fur was ALREADY shaggyu before the battle; you said so yourself.



OMFG, SOOO INSANELY CORNY.
First of all, flashbacks should be in Italics, not quotation marks.
Second, that was horribly written. We didn't even KNOW it was a flashback, and when we firgured it out, we have a lot of quetions:
When is this? Where are they? What's wrong with Absol/why did he get hurt? Why does a random Pokémon randomly want to help andother random Pokémon? WHY DOES SNEASEL SUDDENLY HAVE A HAND? How was Absol's 'heart of ice' melted so quickly/suddenly? If it was 'melted', why does he still act so uncaring?


Oh, and MAJOR PLOT HOLE:
do you honestly think that ALL Normal types live in the same place on the Earth? Do you? Pokémon live in tribes of a single species (and it's evolutions). Why would they suddenly decide to start living together? HOW would they decide to live together? I mean, you don't just randomly say "Hey, I think all Jews should come over and live in Canada!" because not everyody's going to want to come over, and HOW would you tell them all to come over?
What about dual-type Pokémon? Where do they live if they have two types?!


Yup, this fic seriously needs fine-tuning...


~Psychic

Sorry. First off, when Absol was "calling out" the leader of the normal types, and the leader basically told them to back down, because he had to accept Absol's challenge, it's called a code of honor. They fear Absol because [SPOIL]He has a special ability, his eyes strike fear into those who stare directly into it...[/SPOIL] and they also fear/respect him for having the guts to challenge Slaking...sorry 'bout the short battle, I wanted to finish...Will do...sorry about the annoyance...sorry, I meant like his fur got real messedup...

Sneasel felt sorry for the abandoned absol...Absol never saw a kind act like that...he's not mean, he has compassion on the innocent and defenseless, he just uses sarcasm, that's his nature...sorry about the fr***in' scars *wonders why and smacks self in the head*...

Oh, by the way, I have a plot involving the double-types: [SPOIL]The ones that are half dark sympathize with Absol and stand up for him, and eventually start traveling with him (not all of the half-darks of course)[/SPOIL]. Sorry about the whole messup with the flashback. The double-types normally live in the area of their 1st type, for example, let's say we have a sharpedo, type 1: water, type 2: dark, it resides with water types because that's its first type.

I didn't mean sneasel had a hand...grr...messup, I meant a claw...
The dual-types are accepted by both types usually and have the choice, even though they mainly hang out with their first type...it's a war, and the types wanted to stay together...I'll use chapter three as an origin chapter, like flashback chapters that explain things from the past better, so I'll use chapter 3 for that, but if you want to know now, then: [SPOIL]It started with one dark type with hatred in his heart, rounded up some other dark types, came across some that could fly, and had spread a message to all the scattered dark types to rally them up for war, so the other types responded by rallying up their own types...[/SPOIL]

Thanks for the advice, *wonders why self is an idiot* I'm such an idiot...now I get it, mucho cliche eh? my bad...*feels disapointed that I did terrible and heads over to type a better chapter*

 

[Confused no more]

Sorry, but I had to pick up my story. I double-checked the tips you guys gave and I think I got it, tell me if this is better:

Chapter 3: What happened?

The air was damp that day. Murkrow’s wings failed him; the bird was tired out.

“Whew…” Absol said, holding his chin up. Absol knew that Murkrow was watching; he knew the jerk of a bird was tired. The despicable crow nodded off a bit but kept flying.

“It sure is relaxing today! This cool air is calming, the breeze blowing through my fur, it’s fabulous!” Absol made his description of the atmosphere below sound over-luxurious to draw in the unsuspecting Murkrow. He knew that his taunt had worked. He saw the signs; the great temptation to land and rest was driving the pathetic creature mad.

“Perhaps I should land just to check if that pompous excuse of an Absol isn’t doing anything stupid that he’d regret…” This excuse satisfied Murkrow, as long as he had the reward of landing and having a break.

Absol watched as “Muckrow”, or as he called the wretch of a bird, swoop down right next to our shaggy friend. Absol made room for Murkrow in the tree’s shade.

“You know, a rogue like you could easily just snatch me while I’m vulnerable here…just don’t get any ideas you would regret, I’m still watching you!” Murkrow remarked, trying to appear as an idol of superiority when in reality he feared the “beast” right next to him. Absol sensed his fear and took joy in the moment. He pressured the Murkrow for his amusement.

“Well now, I never thought about it, but that’s a great idea…” Absol showed his razor-sharp teeth and his eyes glinted, striking fear into the heart of the clueless bird.

“Hehehe…” the bird chuckled nervously and decided to show kindness in return for his life.

“Well, while were sitting here…um, tell me…about your past, what happened?” Murkrow seemed sincere, but under his corny smile laid his true thoughts. He wanted to find out about Absol’s past so he could find a reason to report him. Deep down, Murkrow didn’t like this war, but he had to serve his “master”.

“Why would you want to know you snitch? Well, I’ve got nothing else to do for now accept tell you…” Absol replied, “It all started 5 years before the war…”

I was an only child, or so I thought…my mother nursed me until I was 3 years of age, then she abandoned me. I didn’t know I had a mother until that one day. I was scaling the mountains. I stopped at a cliff and saw the northern lights; I stopped to meditate for a while. Then I had a dream:

‘Son…’ a mysterious voice was calling out to me.

‘Who’s there, who are you? I demand you to show yourself!’ I was confused; I thought I was talking to myself.

‘You don’t recognize the voice of your own mother? Silver my dear, my spirit finally connected with yours, it’s been too long…I abandoned you because I loved you…I was holding you in my arms while under pursuit…the shadows were closing in and I had to save you. I hid you among the rocks along the hanging cliff while I kept running. Unfortunately, the beast who was hunting me succeeded…Silver…’

‘Silver?’ I never heard this name before…

‘That is the name I gave you is it not? Silver…’ the voice replied.

‘Yes?’ I was alarmed; I had no clue what was happening.

‘Silver, you weren’t an only child…your brother, he is still alive…avenge your mother, kill him…he goes by the name of Skylark, Silver…please…’ the voice grew depressing and left me alone…

‘Mother! Come back! I still don’t understand!’ then I looked down in the puddle below me. I saw my reflection in the murky water…I had wounded myself from leaping on the jagged peaks. It stung as it began to freeze in the chilling air.

‘Upon this wound I swear in front of the eyes of my mother that my wretched brother would be better off in hell than confronting me! Do you here me brother? You will DIE!’ I retreated to my cave to escape the cold.

My heart was stung by the lack of compassion in my life. For some reason I was an outcast. People looked at me with hatred in their eyes, I learned to stare at them with force that drove them away. That changed when I met Sneasel…

It was a stormy night…

‘Sneas! Don’t go too far ahead…we’ll get separated!’ yelled a female Umbreon. She had the usual rings except that they were blue. They shined a magnificent blue aura around her.

‘Well then keep up slowpoke!’ Sneasel yelled back. She started laughing until she stumbled over a rock and discovered my cave.

‘Oww!’ Sneas rubbed her foot to take away the pain from falling on the sharp-pointed rock that she tripped on.

‘Huh? What the heck…oh my god! It’s a guy!’ Sneas seemed alarmed to find myself lying there.

‘Damn it lady, I’m trying to sleep! But you don’t care because you hate me like the rest…’ my heart was both cold and stubborn from those years of neglect.

‘Please, you’re injured…I don’t want to hurt you, me and my friend can help…’ I could tell she was trying to be nice, but I didn’t buy it.

‘Just go away! Don’t let them near me! I’m a freak! I have no family and everyone hates me! Just leave me alone!’ I started to growl at her without knowing it. She stepped back but continued to hold out her hand. I finally decided to use my piercing eye…it was a characteristic I had developed from the hatred I saw in people’s eyes. It was guaranteed to turn away anyone who had hatred in his or her heart. But she didn’t flinch. I didn’t get it, she should have cowered in fear, but she just stood there.

‘Please, I just want to be friends…I don’t know how, but I can sense your pain, all the hardships you’ve been through. Please, I…’ it was then that I understood, she truly meant it. I finally felt warmth in my heart. Reluctantly at first, I took her hand. She taught me how to live with others. People still hated me, but it didn’t hurt as much because I had a friend, but I think she was more than that.

“I still can’t believe they took Sneas…that’s her real name, but strangers address her by Sneasel and I call her that when I’m depressed…I think that’s all you need to hear, but I should keep going…you’re coming too, right…you big jerk.” Sure, it was rude, but it was Silver’s version of an invitation.

“Whatever…you’re not off the hook, I still have a job to do…but sure, I’ll join you.”

With that, Silver gave a big sigh of relief.

“So what is your name?” Silver asked.

“Krow…” Krow answered.

“By the way, where are we headed next?” Silver knew that he could never be too careful. For all he knows, there could be another spy, so he’d just keep on killing until he thinks up a plan. It was comforting to know that Krow wasn’t watching him like a hawk with an intention of reporting him.

“The closet region would be the Insect forest…Bug type, I despise bugs…” Krow was creeped out, but despite that, he continued by Silver’s side. It seems Silver’s gained a new ally, for the moment…

Well, I hope that was better…

 

[Confused no more]

Can't believe I didn't get any replies for two days...anyways...
I got working on Chapter 4, well, here it is…
[SPOIL]This chapter doesn’t involve our heroes, but takes a glimpse at what the captive Sneasel is doing…[/SPOIL]

Chapter 4: Bound by Chains

The dungeon was dark. All light was shut out. Sneas’s chains only added to the gloom of her jail cell. She couldn’t even see her own dark coat. The feather in her head seemed to have changed from pink to gray because of the lifelessness of the prison. Though it remained the same color, she felt sad enough to feel like it did turn gray.

“Feeding time you slug!” a mangy mutt with a spoon in his mouth flung a spoonful of slop into the cell. The rascal of a dog with the pink nose and the gray and black fur growled at her. These fierce mongrels are called Poochyena, but this one preferred the title “Cook”.

“Go away Boris, like I’d ever eat that slime you call food.” Sneas’s harsh words covered up her real feelings. She was relieved to be able to get a bite until she heard the words from the cook.

“Bah! You hate this food eh? You were lucky to get something to eat. Bull! Just drink from your “toilet”.” He was referring to the pile of stones next to her. The warden of the prison neglected her toiletry needs and forced her to piss on a bunch of cold rocks. The foul smell of the waste only added to her dissatisfaction with her cell. But she needed her fluids to live, so she forced herself to lick from the yellow puddle. The rock-solid walls kept her secluded from the outside world. Her dim world lit up when she saw her friend Umbreon “visiting”.

“Umbra! What are you doing here?” Sneas looked shocked, but she was concealing her face of deceit. She and Umbra were up to something…

There were two hounds standing watch at the cell door. Their coal-black fur matched Umbra’s dark coat. Under the layer of black, their lower jaw and their chest were both a deep bloody red. Their sharp teeth lusted for killing; their vicious eyes were bloodthirsty. They appeared to carry the skull of their victims upon their heads like a crest of honor.

“Houndour…” Umbra muttered under her breath. She despised these hounds. But she kept on with her “act” and remained silky-smooth. Then she pulled her trick. She got the stupid mutts to stare into her hypnotic eyes. They became mesmerized and opened the door against their will. They broke Sneas’s chains and stared at her with a dumb and dazed look on their faces.

“Idiots…only the simple-minded fall for mind tricks like that. Thank you Umbra.” With that, Umbra took her leave and left Sneas to continue with her escape plan.

Sneas continued to flee. She knew she had to keep quiet. She sighed in relief, for the only guards there were two lummoxes, the large and gluttonous Tyranitar. These two weren’t that bright. They took no pride in shining and polishing their armored-plates like the other Tyranitar. They were just stupid, dim-witted lugs that did whatever their “master” told them to do.

“Stooges…ha, this should be easy.” She muttered under her breath. She then noticed the air vent above her head. She quietly to her claw and extended her sharp “nails”. She carefully used her “nails” as a screwdriver of some sort to unscrew the air vent, taking care not to wake up those buffoons that happened to conveniently doze off. She knew that Tyranitars were heavy sleepers, but she wanted to be cautious.

She crawled into the vent and crawled through a labyrinth of twists and turns. Hoping that one turn would lead her to the outside. She saw a flash of sunlight; she covered her eyes for a second. After being in the dungeon for so long, she had forgotten how bright the sun was. This only lasted a moment until her eyes adjusted to the light.

“Where is she? We have to find the prisoner!” the Houndour growled. Apparently, the mongrels woke up from the hypnotic spell. This was Sneas’s signal to start running. She cut through the vent with her claws. Before she could jump, there was a large blast. She guessed that the Tyranitars had woken up, who else could blast away the prison door with a Hyper Beam?

Sneas started running with the Houndour and Tyranitar in hot pursuit. She ran with all the energy she had but she continued to stumble. She couldn’t keep it up. She kept on sprinting until she tripped over a large stone. She thought she was doomed, she couldn’t get up

“Well, that was a nice escape plan, very elaborate. But no matter how clever your plan was, we caught you and your sentence will be worse than you can imagine.” The Tyranitar smirked. Sneas was surprised that that idiot even knew the word “elaborate”.

It seemed like the end for Sneas when Sneas started glowing…

“She can’t be evolving! Can she?” the Houndour looked inquisitive, but his question was answered when Sneas’s body shrunk until her body seemed to take on the form of a blob. Her fur turned from black to a smooth pink. Her blue eyes became black and beady. Her feather fell out from her head. Her arms and legs shrank down and back into her body.

“What is this?!” the Houndour and Tyranitar were confused and enraged. This pink blob was a Ditto, a creature with the amazing ability to alter its DNA, allowing it to transform into any creature it wants.

But this was no ordinary Ditto; this was the legendary Ditto Crusader. He didn’t reside with any one type. He traveled between lands, shape shifting to form many disguises. He also helped the poor and defenseless. He saw that Sneas was innocent, so he transformed into a Tyranitar, snuck in and pretended to be a guard. Then, he transformed into a key and opened the door. He transformed into Sneas while she got away. Then he made a fake breakout to get the guards’ attention.

Then the guards realized their fall and remembered to turn their attention to the escaping convict. They ran to their “master”. The figure was concealed by the shadows, and when he heard the news, he became enraged.

“You fools! Damn it! Why didn’t I use intelligent servants to guard the jail? Quickly, don’t let her reach our “friendly pawn”. As long as he doesn’t know that she’s free, he’ll continue to do our bidding.”

“Sure thing boss, but umm, who’s the “friendly pawn”?” the idiotic Tyranitar didn’t have a clue.

“Absol you idiot! ABSOL! Now get the Sneasel, get her!” with their master’s word ringing in their ears, the Tyranitar and the Houndour rounded up the Mightyena Pursuit Force.

“Quickly you slugs! Pick up her scent and don’t let her reach that fool! Oh, and when you find her…make sure that you’re the last thing she sees…” the Mightyena quickly picked up Sneas’s scent and started to track her down. Luckily for her, she had already taken haven among the ice types, and was out of the Mightyenas’ reach.

“It’s only a matter of time until this war is mine! And as for you, Ditto Crusader…wait a minute, where did that beast run off? That fool is a dead man!” the head master roared as the Ditto escaped. He had transformed into a Murkrow and had flown off...

"I've got to reach Absol...it's time we end this war..." Ditto continued to fly, hoping that he could reach Absol before it was too late...

What about Sneas? Will she be able to reach Silver and Krow? And what will happen to our “heroes”? Find out in the next chapter…

 

[Don't care about you]

Well, compared to the crappy work for chapters 1-2, 3-4 are improvements. Overall, not so bad, but not so great either, I give it 3 stars...