Pandora's Ball (rated PG)

[Raticate]

Thank Tale for the great title. If you want to know it's divided into chapters. This is the Prologue and Chapter One:Gwen's first day.
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Diary of Vivian L. Ivy
August 19, morning

Trainers will be coming to pick up their very first Pokemon tomorrow, and I am not sure what Pokemon to capture for the new trainers. I could be like my friend, Sam Oak, and give them Bulbasaur, Charmander, and Squirtle. I could give them Bellsprout, Wooper, and Slugma, but I don’t like the idea of it. I guess I’ll go with Sam Oak’s idea of what Pokemon to give. I got to go catch those Pokemon for the tons of new trainers ready to start their journey

Diary of Vivian L. Ivy
August 19, night

I got some news from Sam Oak. He says Kurt, the Pokeball man, has finally opened the GS ball. At first, i thought it was good news, but it was a Pokemon starting chaos in our world. Kurt didn’t even get to see what the legendary in the GS Ball looked like, because as soon as it got out, it fled. Kurt felt that it was a legendary, because when he opened the ball, he just started to think it was a legendary. Sam Oak says we need some trainers to go after the legendary Pokemon.

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“Gwen, wake up, you have to get your Pokemon!” a woman called.

“Coming Mom!” the girl, named Gwen, replied.

Gwen was a 12 year old girl starting her journey. She had short, strawberry blonde hair, that she never dyed in her life. She usually wore a shirt with a Charmander on it, with a pair of jeans. She loved Charmanders, because they looked like cute lizards.

Gwen ran down the stairs and grabbed a chocolate doughnut for breakfast. As she was eating, she started for the door.

“Wait, I have to give you something!” her mom said, as she gave Gwen five empty pokeballs, for catching Pokemon.

Her mom had long, dark blonde hair, which she dyed red. She usually wore tons of make-up. When Gwen's mom was little, she was the star Pokemon trainer in the Orange Islands. She was about to join the Elite Four, when Gwen was born.

“Thanks!” she cried out, as she walked out the door.

The weather was stormy. Caterpies scurried under her mom’s red tulips. In the distance, she could see Professor Ivy’s lab. It was desolate.

She ran the rest of the way there. She ran into the lab, soaking wet.

“Hi, you’re early!” Professor Ivy said, smiling.

Professor Ivy was wearing a snow white tank top with a sea blue skirt. Her nails were painted a beautiful shade of dark blue.

“Well, can I have my Pokemon now?” Gwen asked.

“Sure, you have three choices,” Professor Ivy said, “Bulbasaur, Charmander, and Squirtle.”

She sent the pokemon out of their pokeballs, to show them to Gwen. Gwen looked at her shirt, and back at the Charmander. Her favorite pokemon could be her starter!
The Charmander looked at Gwen. The Charmander suddenly jumped into Gwen's arms, falling asleep. Professor Ivy put the pokemon back into their balls.

“I choose Charmander!” Gwen said, picking up the ball with a blazing fire engraved on it.

Professor Ivy gave Gwen a Pokedex. Gwen thanked Professor Ivy, and then ran out of the lab. The weather was turning chaotic. It was sunny, stormy, and snowy, all at the same time.

She saw a light-red, glowing Celebi floating right in front of her. She was amazed. She had never seen a red Celebi before. The Celebi was still for a moment, and then it rushed off into the sky. It started to thunder at a deafening noise level.

“You have to go after it,” Professor Ivy screamed, “It’s the legendary from the GS ball, and it’s causing chaos”

"What?" Gwen wailed, "You can't send me, I just started my journey!"

"I can tell you are the right person for the job," Professor Ivy said, trying to calm her down, "Other trainers will help, I promise."

 

[HB5squared]

A legendary pokemon popped out of the ball, and it’s causing chaos with our world. Kurt didn’t even get to see what the legendary in the GS Ball looked like,

Then how do you know it's a legendary?

There is no description at all, what does everyone look like, where are they and how does it look, does her donught have sprinkles or chocolate?

seriously this isn't doing very good so far, so add some description and more depth and try to make a little more sense...

OVerall... poor

 

[i dont know 2 A.K.A. quilava lover]

personally i like it when will you write the next part of it

 

[Hakura May]

A legendary pokemon popped out of the ball, and it’s causing chaos with our world. Kurt didn’t even get to see what the legendary in the GS Ball looked like.

How did he know it was a legendary if he didn't see it. :3

“Wait, I have to give you something!” her mom said, as she gave Gwen five pokeballs.

“Thanks!” she cried out, as she walked out the door.

Uhh... What were the Pokeballs for anyway? Did they have Pokemon, or were they empty?

I got some news from Sam Oak. He says Kurt, the Pokeball man, has finally opened the GS ball. We were just talking when he dropped a bombshell.

Prof. Ivy said she got news, then did she just get up all of a sudden and run to Kurt and Prof. Oak? It then said "we were talking" so she must have done so, unless it's a quote from Prof. Oak, and if it was, you should have told us. And I don't know what it is, but something is making the last sentence in that quote sound really... Odd. :3

Gwen ran down the stairs and grabbed a doughnut for breakfast. As she was eating, she started for the door.

What does Gwen look like? What does her mom look like? What does the doughnut look like? Does Gwen have black hair or is she a blonde? Is the doughnut chocolate or coconut? Too many questions need answering. We need some more description.

“You have to go after it,” Professor Ivy said, “It’s the legendary from the GS ball, and it’s causing chaos”

Ok. Picture this. A girl standing staring into the sky where a red Celebi had flown by, and a professor walks by her and says in the most boring voice ever, "Oh no. It is the red Celebi. It is causing chaos. You have to stop it."

First of all, there is no description. Just say this to yourself in a monotonous voice, "You have to go after it. It is the legendary from the GS ball, and it is causing chaos." Pretty boring, right? Well, it's the same picture we get when we read it. It would have been better if it were more like this:

"It's the legendary Pokemon from the GS ball..." she said, flatly. Her tone quickly changed as her worried eyes glanced quickly to Gwen. Her voice became stern, cold, as she spoke, "It has been causing chaos throughout our lands. You are our only hope... You have to stop that Celebi!"

I could even elaborate on that. You have a slightly better image. Want to take it a a few steps furthur? This is probably how that part should have been, or a version of it:

Professor Ivy rushed to Gwen as the howling winds threatened to kill. Professor Ivy stared blankly up at the grey, ever changing skies, and murmured in a flat tone, "It's the legendary Pokemon from the GS ball..."
Her voice turned harder, "It has been causing chaos throught our lands. Before long..." she paused for a second, "the whole world shall perish..."

Gwen glared at Professor Ivy, loudly protesting, "We can't let that happen! There must be something we can do!"

Professor Ivy turned her head slowly to face Gwen. As her eyes met Gwen's eyes, she replied flatly, "There is nothing we can do, but there is something you can do." Her face turned solemn as the blurted out, "You must stop that Celebi! Go after it, and find it!"

Also, Gwen is a new Pokemon trainer. Why would any Professor send her to take on a rampaging evil Celebi?

Overall:

There's no description, no length, and parts of it just doesn't make sense. I could elaborate on this review more, only if you want. I only got the basic chunk out of it. If you'd like, I can go into depth more, and point out the things more strictly.

You need to improve with description, mostly. Worry about the length after description, because with added description and longer paragraphs, the story chapter shall gradually become larger as well.

If you need any more tips, you can simply PM me. Have a nice day! Good luck with this fanfic!

 

[Raticate]

How did he know it was a legendary if he didn't see it. :3



Uhh... What were the Pokeballs for anyway? Did they have Pokemon, or were they empty?



Prof. Ivy said she got news, then did she just get up all of a sudden and run to Kurt and Prof. Oak? It then said "we were talking" so she must have done so, unless it's a quote from Prof. Oak, and if it was, you should have told us. And I don't know what it is, but something is making the last sentence in that quote sound really... Odd. :3



What does Gwen look like? What does her mom look like? What does the doughnut look like? Does Gwen have black hair or is she a blonde? Is the doughnut chocolate or coconut? Too many questions need answering. We need some more description.



Ok. Picture this. A girl standing staring into the sky where a red Celebi had flown by, and a professor walks by her and says in the most boring voice ever, "Oh no. It is the red Celebi. It is causing chaos. You have to stop it."

First of all, there is no description. Just say this to yourself in a monotonous voice, "You have to go after it. It is the legendary from the GS ball, and it is causing chaos." Pretty boring, right? Well, it's the same picture we get when we read it. It would have been better if it were more like this:

"It's the legendary Pokemon from the GS ball..." she said, flatly. Her tone quickly changed as her worried eyes glanced quickly to Gwen. Her voice became stern, cold, as she spoke, "It has been causing chaos throughout our lands. You are our only hope... You have to stop that Celebi!"

I could even elaborate on that. You have a slightly better image. Want to take it a a few steps furthur? This is probably how that part should have been, or a version of it:

Professor Ivy rushed to Gwen as the howling winds threatened to kill. Professor Ivy stared blankly up at the grey, ever changing skies, and murmured in a flat tone, "It's the legendary Pokemon from the GS ball..."
Her voice turned harder, "It has been causing chaos throught our lands. Before long..." she paused for a second, "the whole world shall perish..."

Gwen glared at Professor Ivy, loudly protesting, "We can't let that happen! There must be something we can do!"

Professor Ivy turned her head slowly to face Gwen. As her eyes met Gwen's eyes, she replied flatly, "There is nothing we can do, but there is something you can do." Her face turned solemn as the blurted out, "You must stop that Celebi! Go after it, and find it!"

Also, Gwen is a new Pokemon trainer. Why would any Professor send her to take on a rampaging evil Celebi?

Overall:

There's no description, no length, and parts of it just doesn't make sense. I could elaborate on this review more, only if you want. I only got the basic chunk out of it. If you'd like, I can go into depth more, and point out the things more strictly.

You need to improve with description, mostly. Worry about the length after description, because with added description and longer paragraphs, the story chapter shall gradually become larger as well.

If you need any more tips, you can simply PM me. Have a nice day! Good luck with this fanfic!

Sorry this is my first REAL fanfic. I'll edit some of it to make it make more sense.

 

[Hakura May]

It's alright. Just add some more description, add a few more tidbits here and there, and everything will be awesome and the fanfic will be a success.

Just keep on practicing. Good luck. ^_-

 

[Raticate]

It's alright. Just add some more description, add a few more tidbits here and there, and everything will be awesome and the fanfic will be a success.

Just keep on practicing. Good luck. ^_-

Well I added some more description.I hope you will like it a little bit better.

 

[Hakura May]

Alot better. It could still use a little more work.

For example, what is Prof. Ivy wearing? What kind of flowers were they? Was her and her mom's hair dirt blonde, normal blonde? Did it have any highlights, or did she dye any parts, etc.

Using those descriptions, it will enlarge the paragraphs, which is something you also need to do.

Maybe you could also do a few small paragraphs dedicated to Gwen choosing the Pokemon. Possibly, say she releases them all, and what will the Pokemon react to her?

Remember: Don't make your characters... Be your characters. ^_- Yay... I'm getting all into saying quotes. x___x
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Your latest update helped the fanfic somewhat, but it still needs improvement. The paragraphs still need to be bigger, and there still needs to be description. Like, what kind of blue is on Ivy's skirt. Navy blue, sky blue, sea blue?

What red is the Celebi? Light red, dark red, blood red, crimson, burnt red, strawberry red... The list can keep on going.

You are improving. You still need longer paragraphs, and more descriptions, and let's try expanding our vocabulary on some descriptions. Here's an example:

Mary walked down the street.

Boring. What is she wearing, is the street concrete or brick? Let's expand:

Mary walked down the cobble streets.

Alright, but what is Mary feeling? We still don't know what she is wearing.

Mary walked down the cobble streets wearing a red t-shirt and blue jeans.

Keep on going:

Mary walked down the cobble streets wearing a light red t-shirt and navy blue jeans.

How crowded are the streets?

Mary walked down the empty cobble streets wearing a light red t-shirt and navy blue jeans.

Empty is too plain a word. Expand our vocab a bit:

Mary walked down the vacant cobble streets wearing a light red t-shirt and navy blue jeans.

We can even expand on that:

Mary silently made her way down the dusty, vacant cobble streets wearing a light red t-shirt, navy blue jeans, and a large grin on her petite face.

Much better. I can probably make it even more descriptive, but it would take more than one sentence, and I don't have all the time in the world. XP

But you get the point, right? Just keep adding vivid details until you and others can clearly picture the image in your head. Maybe you can see them, but others can't read minds. You just have to bring them onto paper.

Keep up the hard work! ^_-

 

[Raticate]

I have my Second chapter up
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Gwen walked away from the lab, walking towards the dock. The boat was there. The boat was the S.S. Waterflower. It was a beautiful boat, with pictures of Waterlillies and all sorts of flowers on it. It was sky blue. She got out her Waterflower Ticket, and was about to go on the S.S Waterflower, when someone called to her.
It was a Pokemon Trainer. The trainer was a girl with short, jet-black hair, which she put in a ponytail, with pink hairbands. She was wearing a plain white shirt with a Ditto on the front, and navy blue jeans.

“Hi!” the trainer called, “My name is Julia! Want to battle?”

“Sure!” said Gwen, “My name is Gwen!”

They sent out their first Pokemon.

“Go, Charmander!” Gwen yelled, tossing the ball into the air.

“Go, Sandshrew!” Julia screamed, tossing the ball out.

The battle looked a little bit tough for Gwen.

“Charmander, use Ember, now!” cried Gwen to her Charmander, "Try your best!"
“Sandshrew,use Scratch!” yelled Julia to her Sandshrew, "Come on you can beat that Charmander!"

The attacks hit at the exact same time. The flames hit the Sandshrew, but it barely fazed Sandshrew. The Pokemon were growing weaker from the fight.

“Charmander, use Scratch!” screamed Gwen, "We need to win!"

“Sandshrew, do a Poison Sting!” yelled Julia.

Small needles pierced Charamander's skin, poisoning it. It cried out in pain. It tried to scratch Sandshrew, but it failed.

"Use Smokescreen!" called Gwen, "You can do it!"

Smoke filled the tiny town square they were fighting in. Sandshrew could not see through the thick, black smoke.

"Use Ember, please!" cried Gwen, scared

Charmander could not do his attack because he was in pain from the poison. Charamander fell to Gwen’s feet, fainted and immobilized.
The smoke cleared. Julia saw that Charamander had fainted. Sandshrew returned to his shiny Pokeball.

“Let’s go to the Pokemon Center, I’m all out of Pokemon.” Gwen cried, because she lost her first Pokemon battle.

While the two trainers walked together, the Chaos Celebi appeared in front of them, preparing a Psychic attack.

“Run!” yelled Gwen.
Running didn’t help. The Chaos Celebi unleashed a strange attack, and then it disappeared. It hit the two trainers with force. They couldn’t see anything, except static, like when you can’t get a certain television station, and you see the black and white dots and shapes. They also felt movements. It felt like a tornado.
"Help, please help us!" Gwen cried, "Listen to us!"

Nobody could hear them. Everyone else besides the two trainers couldn't even see the tornado. The trainers were screaming at the top of their lungs, but the Chaos Celebi made everyone think there was nothing wrong.

The static was gone, and the tornado movement stopped. They were in a completely different place. Slowpokes were all around, and there was a gym. A sign read “Azalea Town”.

 

[Hakura May]

You are getting much better. Still could use some more tidbits in the first chapter, but I'll get to rating the second one:

First of all, this chapter needs some more length. Secondly, you were starting off good, but there is barely any description in this chapter.

The boat was there. The boat was the S.S. Waterflower. It was a beautiful boat, with pictures of Waterlillies and all sorts of flowers on it.

I can sorta see the boat, but is the real boat colored blue, black, red, etc.?
Give some more imagery/description.

It was a Pokemon Trainer. The trainer was a girl with short, black hair, which she put in a ponytail. She was wearing a shirt with a Ditto on the front, and jeans.

Jet black, an almost brownish black? We need some more description. What does her hairbands look like, what is the color of the shirt, and jeans?

And the battle... It barely had any description, and the battle was a little too short. I know battles are very difficult to put onto paper, but at least it should have a little more description. Remember, battles on games are different from battles in anime. When putting battles on paper, you have to try adding description, so you can see the battles clearly in your head, like this:

"Charmander, Ember!" called Gwen, her voice shaking a bit.

"Sandshrew, use Scratch!" commanded Julia in a confident manner.

The tiny lizard burst out tiny spurts of fire from his mouth as the Sandshrew bravely countered them with his sharp claws. The attack seemed to have done a little damage, but not enough. Noticing that, Gwen nervously called out her next attack:

"Charmander, use your Scratch!"

Charmander charged forward, confident he would be victorious. As claw met claw, both the Pokemon's eyes locked together, both scratching at each other's opponent.

"Use Poison Sting!" commanded Julia.

Sandshrew burst out a barrage of tiny, white, piercing needles, which struck Charmander hard. Charmander slowly backed off, wincing from the pain.

Gwen seemed even more less confident than ever. She tried to fight it as the called out her next attack, "Smokescreen!"

Summoning up all his strength, Charmander blew out a cloud of black smoke, which slowly engulfed the arena. Using this chance, Charmander darted out of the wall of needles.

"Sandshrew? Where are you?" coughed Julia.

"Use Scratch, full force!" came the muffled reply from Gwen.

Charmander charged forward with all his strength, and began to slash away at Sandshrew. Charmander, still keeping the effects of Poison Sting, winced, as he backed off slowly.

"Let's take this opportunity! Sand Attack!" commanded Julia.

Sandshrew whipped up a wave of sand, and hurled it towards Charmander.

Gwen panicked. She called out an attack nervously, "Charmander... Ember!"

Charmander blew out spurts of flame, only to be countered by the waves of sand. As the sand pelted Charmander, Julia smirked, and called out:

"Finish this! Poison Sting!"

Sandshrew threw out the rapid needles, aiming at Charmander. The needles proved too much for Charmander, knocking him back, down for the count.

I could probably do a little more, but I think this is enough for now. XP

Other than the end where they ended in Azalea Town, the end basically... It just ruined the chapter. We need more description, and them being attacked, could use more description, and they didn't have to name the attack.

Personally, the first chapter was way better. Keep trying. You'll get it eventually. ^_-

 

[i dont know 2 A.K.A. quilava lover]

that seamed like another good one to me i think you are good at this keep writing

 

[Raticate]

Glad you liked it.

EdIT: I changed my name. And I might not write for a while