Pathetic Fallacy (Specialshipping-oneshot)

[HyperCyber]

Hiya!
This is a really short fanfic i wrote 2 weeks ago. I bet you guys didnt know im also a specialshippier? Don't you guys just love me? (People can be see screaming and fleeing)... Err.. anyways, here is the fanfic, read and review plz.

Pathetic Fallacy
Lights penetrated through the dusty window, and landed on the photo frame beside my bed. Inside the red oak frame, it shows a picture of me, grinning stupidly, and hugging Yellow. Surprised? Me, the champion of Kanto region, who took down the Team Rocket single-handed (well… with some help from my friends of course), have a crush on a girl?

Absurd it may seem to you, but it is, perhaps, my heart’s sole desire. I cannot laugh around her; I cannot sing around her; I cannot be normal around her! Her high voice is melody to my ears; her smile is the most beautiful art; even the air around her is seemingly sweet and fresh. I tried to confess to her, but all of my attempt failed horribly…

Pathetic, I know… Call me a coward, pussycat… anything. But even worse than my inability to be romantic and grand, the girl of my dream, seems to enjoy Green’s company far more than mine. Out of all the people, GREEN? My rival, out of all the people.

Perhaps its not really surprising, he’s so much more handsome and cool than I am in the head of girls. He has a whole pack of fan girls running after him. He could have picked anyone of them, but why YELLOW?

Suddenly, I feel a rush of energy through my vein. I picked up the phone, and dialed yellow’s number. I am not going to just surrender; I want to know how she really feels…

“Hello?”
It’s her angelic voice, suddenly, I feel my face radiating heat, and all the feelings came back to my heart again.
“Hii…. Yellow… IIII, was jjjust gonna aaask…”
“Yellow? Who is it?”
Its that voice, that voice I hate, the voice that stole yellow’s heart, the voice that belongs to Green. Even though it’s faint, I have heard that voice too many time to not recognize it.
“Never mind… Listen.. yellow. I’m really happy about you too. I hope everything is well, bye…”
“Red??? What ar…”

I hang up. I did not care about what she is going to say. Right now, my whole world is spinning. It seems the only light in my heart has disappeared, and all that left is sorrow, memories, and emptiness…

(three month later)

Another Sunday, just like the last one. However, this time, it is raining.

I stepped over the yellow electric mouse, also known as a pikacu. Who is sleeping on the floor. It’s amazing that how a small, helpless animal like this can be so powerful during battles. I dressed up, stepped out of the house, and into the rain.
Those writers call the change of weather that corresponds to one’s emotion pathetic fallacy. I smirked at their foolishness. But, at least they got one part right – pathetic.
That’s what I am, pathetic.

The cold rain send a shivering wave through my body, but I didn’t care.

It’s still early morning, most people are still sleeping. But I like the rain, it washes my sin away and cleansing my soul.

In front of me, another shadow appeared through the morning fog. Another person who like the rain, perhaps?

I couldn’t care less.

The shadow ran up to me, and it appears, to be the person I love, and hate.

It’s yellow.

“Hi…” She said awkwardly.

“What do you want?” My answer, even to myself, is cold and uncaring.

“Green… He doesn’t want me around anymore…”

Suddenly, I feel angry. Angry that Green treated her that way. I don’t know why. I don’t even know since when I forgive yellow for her decision.

“And what do you want with me? Answers like ‘it’s okay, I’ll take care of you’?” I don’t want to be second-best, I would rather let her ditch me.

“IM SORRY, OKAY?! IT WAS ALL MY FAULT! NOW I REALIZED THAT IT WAS YOU. YES, YOU, RED, NOT HIM. YOU ARE WHO I LOVED.”

I said nothing, I just starred at her. At her topaz colored orbs, inside, I can see sorrow, anxiety, and… hope.

Suddenly, the rain stopped, and sunshine poured through the clouds.

“Lets go get some coffee.” I replied.

I am not going to let go of her this time.

Pathetic Fallacy, ummmm, maybe it’s not so pathetic after all.

 

[Stephy]

XDDD -falls off computer chair after reading the last part-
GET SOME COFFEE? XDDD I used to be more of a Green/Yellow shipper, but decided to become a Green/Blue shipper...Red/Yellow seems more appealing to me =D
Anyhow...Why on earth does Red want coffee when Yellow just confessed her love? XDDD

 

[Encyclopika]

This story had a good beginning - I especially loved the way you portrayed Red's immense jealousy toward Green. Nice. Unfortunately, toward the end, it started getting speedy and rushed. Slow down a little bit. Give us some description about our surroundings.
Also, your piece was chock full of spelling and grammer errors like the ones below:

I tried to confess to her, but all of my attempt failed horribly…

attempts* is what I think you typoed. =3

Even though it’s faint, I have heard that voice too many time to not recognize it.

times* I think you mean. ^^;

I did not care about what she is going to say.

That should be "was".

I stepped over the yellow electric mouse, also known as a pikacu

Pikachu* ? o.o;

The cold rain send a shivering wave through my body, but I didn’t care.

It’s still early morning, most people are still sleeping. But I like the rain, it washes my sin away and cleansing my soul.

In front of me, another shadow appeared through the morning fog. Another person who like the rain, perhaps?

I couldn’t care less.

The shadow ran up to me, and it appears, to be the person I love, and hate.

It’s yellow.

Is there a reason why you spaced it like this? o.o; If not, you should make it all one chapter so that it looks better and more professional. ^^
You did a great job portraying, and with some work, and time spent, I think you can write a wonderful fic. Keep at it.

 

[flamingoozaru]

The story was quite nice, but I think you made the ending abit too quick, Red was alittle OOC and Blue don't look like the type you made him in the fan-fic thought...

 

[auratios]

cool! specialshipping FTW! love it, and, lol WHY THE HECK WOULD RED WANT COFFEE?!??!

XD it's a cute fic too!

 

[~Mist~]

I admit that this story is cute, but I'll have to agree with Encyclopika's criticisms.

Another thing I would do bedies editing the mistakes in here is to improve your description a little more. You have a good base no doubt, just let it soar. [/corny] What I mean by that is to describe what Yellow and Green look like. Describe the surroundings both Red and Yellow are at in the end. When writing, you could try this tip. Ask yourself this:

- Where are they?
- Who are they?
- What are they doing there?
- When are the characters there?
- How did the characters arrive there?

Now, when you answer all of those aspects, then you're just fine. =] It's a fun little tip I like to use because we want to give everyone input and detail. Trust me, description is a powerful weapon indeed. You have great wording put in here, use them more. :3

I think in the end, you made Yellow sound a little desperate there, in addition to the lack of reaction from Red. I mean, when someone confesses their love for you... don't you think you would have a recation right there? Even in Red's thoughts would have done well in there considering that it is his point of view.

And coffee? *raises an eyebrow* Didn't expect that. o.o; You could put some work into the ending. Give it a better closure, and you'll be just fine. =D