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Perseverance: The Glory Road

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by GildedScizor, Dec 6, 2012.

  1. GildedScizor

    GildedScizor The drinking bird

    Hi guys, this is my first fan fiction here but hopefully not the last. Any and all feedback is welcome, but if you do keep coming back for the next chapter, please be mindful that I may be preoccupied with other issues so please bear with me.

    This story takes place in the Hoenn Region, focusing on young trainer Brendan and his quest to be the most complete Pokemon Trainer ever. This adventure alludes to elements of both the games and the anime series. It is mainly 3rd-gen-centric but will occasionally refer to events, characters and Pokemon up to the 4th gen and no further. Rated (PG)

    PROLOGUE: A Breath Of Fresh Air

    Both Pokemon were exhausted, but neither willing to back down, the golden eyes of one boring deep into the crimson eyes of the other. What was once flames on the wrists of one were barely a flicker now, and the titanic, deep blue, metallic body of the other was scorched and dented all over. You could cut the tension in the air with a spoon. When it became clear to both trainers that the two wouldn't fall without one more attack, they grinned at each other. This was it, the moment to go for broke. And so they threw caution to the winds and cried:

    "Blaziken use Blaze Kick, full power!!"

    "Don't hold back Metagross; Meteor Mash!!"

    The two titans collided with enormous power, the resulting explosion nearly swept both trainers off their feet. Dust and smoke billowed everywhere and the stadium went more black than the pits of a Shedinja's eyes. The smoke finally cleared, and the result was unmistakable.


    Brendan leaned against the cold wall in the corridor leading into the stadium, remembering his greatest accomplishment. Blaziken had done so well to that point. The odds had been down for Blaziken, but to Brendan's own astonishment he had been able to take down Morrison's Swampert and Gliscor, and for a moment it looked he had the upper hand against Metagross. But ultimately, it would be Morrison progressing through to the final round of the Hoenn League, not Brendan.

    Brendan and Morrison had been great friends ever since the Lilycove Department Store debacle (they got in some seriously hot water for that!), and had often been united by incredible impatience and a keen rivalry. Despite Brendan's occasional nicknaming of Morrison as "Pyjama Boy", he always had an intense respect for Morrison's skill in a Pokemon battle, particularly after learning that Morrison had made it to the Top 16 in last year's Hoenn League. After that defeat Morrison's hot head got the better of him again and training resumed as per usual to be so much better for the next year.

    It came as an incredible surprise to Brendan that Morrison would then go on to win the League, and an even bigger surprise when Morrison was awarded his trophy by none other than Hoenn Region Champion Steven Stone, that Morrison ushered him onto the award giving platform as well. Brendan knew this was a very special ceremony, and wasn't sure how to react, but joined in on the celebrations anyway. It made him think; if Morrison could come back smarter and stronger after his first attempt at the League, then he could too! And to think it was only his debut year as a Pokemon trainer!


    He snapped the cloud out of his head and came back to reality. He took the six Pokeballs off his belt and stared at them, as if he could see straight through to the Pokemon concealed inside. These weren't regular Pokeballs, though. Brendan had a small habit of painting the top half of a Pokeball to portray a theme, a likeness if you will, that resembled the Pokemon inside. He stared at the bedazzling flames on Blaziken's Pokeball, the cloudy skies on Altaria's, the bubbles and sparkles on Milotic's. Brendan wondered if it allowed him to be more creative in his battling.

    "Don't you worry guys, we'll get 'em next year," he said to no-one in particular.

    One last look at the inside of the stadium, and with a slight adjustment of his bag and his hat, he walked out of the corridor and into Ever Grande City's wondrous sunshine and tropical flavour. Pools of water shimmered and shined as if Ho-oh itself had bathed in the waters. He'd been amazed at first by the incredible clarity and beauty of the water-based city, it was almost like Milotic had used its Aqua Ring on him; a real breath of fresh air.

    Entranced as he was by the city's beauty to notice that someone was running up behind him fast. Before he could turn around, there was a shout of "Hiya Brendan!" and he was tackled into one of the pools of water he was staring at. A lot of coughing and spluttering later, he was staring at the flaming red hair and Gengar's grin of Morrison himself.

    "Ladies and gentleman I give you the winner of the Hoenn League," said Brendan in a grump.

    "C'mon quit your daydreaming, the boat's leaving!" cackled Morrison.

    "And you thought tackling me into a pool would hurry me up?"

    They both started roaring with laughter and clambered out of the pool inelegantly. Sopping wet, Morrison tried to flick any excess water off himself at Brendan before they went back to the Pokemon Center and packed up their hammocks, bags and checked out of the Pokemon League. But then the big question had to be asked:

    "Hey Brendan what are you doing after this?" Asked Morrison quietly.

    "Well to be honest, I was going to do what you've done, this last year. Train, train and train 'till I can't train any more! You?"

    "Well I have to challenge the Elite Four don't I? But after that....I'm not sure what next."

    "So I guess for now this means goodbye? We've both got our goals, it sucks they don't work together."

    ".....I guess so."

    A few moments of silence extended into a long period of sifting through their thoughts, even when they made it onto the ferry back to Slateport City. Memories passed of the campfire under the stars in Mossdeep City at a time when the Pokemon League, and the worries that they would need to battle each other and do what was necessary to keep getting stronger were a long way off.

    "I've always got you in my PokeNav...but that's only if I need you, and when do I ever?" Laughed Brendan uncomfortably and the silence resumed almost all the way back to Slateport City.

    The ferry finally docked as the sun set. Morrison and Brendan looked at each other one last time, and gave a half-hug/half-handshake.

    "Best of luck with the Elite Four mate," said Brendan quietly.

    "You too, good luck with all your training," replied Morrison.

    And with that, Morrison headed north back to Verdanturf Town, and Brendan headed down to the beach where no doubt Mr Briney and his Wingull Peeko would be waiting...
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2012
  2. Shadow Lucario

    Shadow Lucario Well-Known Member

    Just your friendly neighborhood Shadow Lucario dropping in for a review.

    In the second sentence you forgot a word. Cut I believe it is. I was thrown off by spoon so I didn't know if you meant cut. While it isn't a mistake I noticed you capitalized trainer in the third sentence. I did the same when I first started writing fan fiction and let me tell you one thing; it will get annoying. :p

    Instead of using a comma here I would replace it with a semi-colon.


    It came as an...

    Whenever you use said, described, stated, or the like there needs to be a comma before the end quotation.

    You've got the wrong word here. Might want to change it to something more fitting. Mesmerized maybe.

    1. Comma and lower case said.
    2. Lower case cackled.

    Lower case asked.

    Lower case ferry.

    Commas before both end quotations. Lower case said and replied.

    Not much is here. It is a prologue after all. Even so, it passed by pretty quickly. Not much description going on. I sometimes forget what some Pokemon look like so you'll have to describe them to me. So it seems this won't be the usual journey fic where there are new trainers. It will be interesting to see how an experience trainer handles going back through the region and collecting the badges once more. This is obviously not the last time we'll see Morrison. I'll check in for the next chapter. One more thing. Sometimes your spacing was an issue. Remember to hit Enter twice when starting a new paragraph. It makes it easier on the eyes.
  3. GildedScizor

    GildedScizor The drinking bird

    Thanks very much for that, it's always nice to recieve tips from those more experienced. I'm experiencing a fair amount of lag at the moment with a new computer which isn't helping me with my writing and there's a few clear typos in there as a result, but that's no excuse for poor editing. Thanks for clarifying a few things though that I was very "on the fence" about (like the capitalizing of "trainers").

    With it being the prologue of my first story I wasn't too concerned with getting structuring or anything like that perfect, (that'll come in time I imagine) but more or less being able to get the ball rolling with an idea. I didn't want to develop the characters too much at this point, but I wanted to leave some subtle foundations that I'll be able to expand on through the main story.
  4. Shadow Lucario

    Shadow Lucario Well-Known Member

    Well like I said, it isn't wrong to capitalize it. It just gets kind of annoying to see that capital T sometimes. XD At least for me it did.
  5. GildedScizor

    GildedScizor The drinking bird

    Cut! That's a wrap folks!

    "Still can't believe they wanted to make this story into a movie," said Brendan sitting on the edge of the film set.

    "I'd gotten over that ages ago. I'd always expected that one day I'd be asked to appear in a movie. It comes with being as awesome as I am," Morrison said off-handedly.

    "Well it's all good so far."

    "Yeah, little unhappy that I had to run along the edge of those pools like that though. I mean, that's dangerous you know!"

    "And a 16-year old owning a titanic, four-armed, metal beast with incredible psychic powers isn't?"

    "There's a fine line."

    "Will you two shut up and look over the script for the next chapter!" a distant voice off-set yelled as the two rolled around snickering.

    "Sorry Darrell!" Brendan yelled back and then muttered in an undertone, "If they didn't want actors to blabber so much they really should have hired two other people."

    "Oh, believe me Brendan we tried!" Darrell called back.

    "Anyway," Morrison went on as he flicked through a few pages of script. "Hey I'm not in this chapter! Or the one after it! Sweet as, Darrell I'm going home early!"

    "Fine, but make sure you can pronounce "Meteor Mash" properly next time you come in! I don't want to have to waste another 200 takes on that!" Darrell called, as Morrison left the set with a two-fingered rock salute.
    Chapter 1: Clutching At Straws

    A solitary oil lamp on the desk was the only source of light in the room. Only by its faint glow was the man's piercing eyes and blazing red hair visible as he fixedly stared with all his might at a series of papers in front of him. So intently was he concentrating that he didn't so much as glance up when the door opened; the only noise in the room for hours.

    "Do you always feel the need to work in the dark?" came the low, deep voice of the man entering.

    If he was heard, the red-haired man took no notice of it. Sitting up he gestured to the other man to take a seat opposite him. He did so, but his face was covered in complete shadow.

    "Any luck?" he asked.

    "Our scouts have searched everywhere from Granite Cave to Meteor Falls, from the Shoal Cave to the goddamn Lilycove Contest Hall. Nothing. I think the only reasonable explanation is that they've left the Hoenn region," the deep-voiced man said.

    The red-haired man's face turned to a mix of disappointment and exasperation. "I had feared as much. As much as it pains me to say it, we've been clutching at straws these last few months.

    "What else can we do? These internal affairs and background checks are really cutting into our research time."

    The red-haired man was quiet for a while, lost deep in thought. "These background checks are becoming evermore irksome. I know, I know, I'm the one who authorised them, but they're necessary," he said waving the other man down before he was interrupted. "Those two spies turned everything we'd worked so hard for before into a complete debacle. Not to mention that kid and his Pikachu. I find myself being able to trust very few people now."

    "If it's small comfort, we've monitored the movements of those three ever since," the deep-voiced man replied, passing a folder over the desk. "The kid is apparently heading off to the Unova region, so in all likeliness, I don't think we'll see him for a long time. The first spy apparently headed over to the Johto region. From what we've seen he's been involved in a large amount of Team Rocket activity taking place there at the moment."

    "Team Rocket? What sort of activity are they planning?" This was the first he'd heard of any recent movements from Team Rocket, in fact he knew surprisingly little of them. He had no reason to be worried, but no reason not to be curious.

    "Nothing that would seem to affect us. Just a lot of noise."

    "I see. And the third?" inquired the red-haired man looking through the folder.

    "Well from what we can tell there's been no sign of any of them for over a year now. I think it's safe to conclude that they've also left the Hoenn region."

    Another long silence as the two men were clearly entrenched in their own thoughts. Suddenly, the red-haired man looked up. "Wait a minute Markus, you mentioned the Johto region, yes?"

    Markus' voice was uncertain as he said, "Uhh...sure?"

    A memory from a long time ago came back to the the red-haired man. He stood on the bridge, surrounded by towering cliffs and raging waterfalls. Looking down at the clarity of the water, and the purity of the landscape he could see many caves burrowing deep into the cliff face. His father had smiled at him and said, "This is my favourite fishing spot in the whole region. A place where the earth, the sea and the sky all truly meet together."

    He came back to reality with a dawning expression of understanding on his face. Certainly not with any expression Markus had ever seen before.

    "You okay sir?"

    There was a pause before he replied. But then, "I'm better than okay Markus. I've just realised something so crucial; how could we have missed it before? Listen...."

    And Markus listened. Indeed, how could they have possibly missed it?


    "Well it's nice that you chose to come back by boat with me rather than Flying back to Littleroot Town. Why didn't you anyway? Bah! Who cares? It's about time you came to see me!"

    Mr. Briney's instant gabbling at the sight of Brendan came as little surprise to Brendan. The first time he had met the old sailor, he wouldn't stop stammering his thanks for rescuing Peeko in Rusturf Tunnel.

    "Well actually Flygon has had a bit of a bad temper after the League, so I'm just giving him a bit of time to calm down. He'd probably throw me off by accident if I tried to Fly back," Brendan laughed. As he said it, the desert-patterned Pokeball on his belt wiggled rapidly, as if to say "I heard that."

    "Oh the League! That's right, I saw your last match in the Top 4, boy I tell you, you remind me of a young me in the Hoenn League back in my day, I tell you, Tyranitars and Rhyperiors used to shake in their boots at the very sight of me....."

    He continued in this vain for some time, so Brendan absent-mindedly nodded as he patted Peeko's wings and revelled in the glorious open skies and the shifting wake of water the boat left behind.

    "Oh good gracious, are we back already? Well the time just flew by didn't it?"

    "Sure," Brendan teased.

    The boat slowed as they came with sight of Mr Briney's seaside cottage perched on the tiny cliffs of Route 104. This was one of Brendan's favourite routes in all of Hoenn. It was elegant in its simplicity and summed up everything about what Brendan cherished in a Pokemon adventure; crisp, clean air, the great outdoors, and was filled with happy young Pokemon.

    "Thanks heaps, Mr Briney, see ya Peeko!" Brendan called out as he raced off the boat, eager to get to Petalburg City.

    As Peeko let out a shrill "Guulll!", Mr Briney called out "Remember to tell your mother and father I say hello!"

    Petalburg City wasn't much of a city; a few parks, some small houses, a Pokemon Center and a Poke Mart. It was very cleanly and fresh for a city. Small children played in the playgrounds and even the Pokemon like Corphish and Marill were always seens frolicking in the small ponds by the flower beds and gardens in the northeast part of the city.

    It was late at night, but instead of making his way to Route 103 to go home to Littleroot Town, Brendan got off his bike out the front of the Petalburg Gym. He remembered the day he got his badge from here. Not his greatest triumph maybe, but for sentimental reasons it meant the most to him. The Gym, although simple in design, was aesthetically influenced heavily by some sort of "Japanese warrior hut." At least that's what Brendan assumed. It certainly gave the right impression inside.

    Brendan slowly made his way inside. He made his way into the training arena, where a tall, dark-haired man in a red zip-up jacket and plain cargo pants was egging his Vigoroth on who was furiously delivering a lightning-fast volley of punches to a punching bag. Brendan stood behind him watching.

    "Come on Vigoroth, you can go way more beserk than that!" the man called, wiping the sweat off his brow.

    "If anything I'd say he needs to chill a bit more," mused Brendan.

    The man and his Vigoroth stilled for a moment and then slowly turned around as one.

    "Hiya Dad," grinned Brendan.
    Last edited: Dec 9, 2012
  6. Shadow Lucario

    Shadow Lucario Well-Known Member

    First chapter here we go.

    A is supposed to be lower case.

    I'm not sure what this means.

    This is in the wrong spot. You can take it out if you want or move it somewhere else in the sentence. On another note, I love the word debacle. It's fun to say.

    Comma after said.

    Another missing comma after said.

    Tiny mistake but there's supposed to be a period after Mr.

    Eager to get to Petalburg.

    Choose one! You can only save one!

    Just a.

    Lower case the.

    That's basically all the mistakes. They repeated or were very similar. Description has gotten much better, but it's still lacking. What is a Marrill? Or a Corphish? Is Vigoroth a big purple blob with arms? The story is taking its time in revealing itself, but that's okay. I'm interested to see what a trainer does after losing the Pokemon League. Do they all move on to a new region like Ash? Not too bad for a first chapter, but it could have been better. Keep me posted.
  7. GildedScizor

    GildedScizor The drinking bird

    I really need to upgrade to a newer version of Microsoft Word, the autocorrect on it is being downright unreliable, but thanks for that. I should point out that I'm Australian, so any colloquial languange used (like Morrison's "Sweet as" comment) is mostly influenced by that XD.

    I wish this story could have a sort of climactic point right from the get-go, but sadly I reckon that would ruin the vibe I'm trying to achieve. Like you say, it'll take a bit to build up, but rest assured I've got - what I believe is - some really good stuff in the pipeline a little further down :)

    On another note, the first part of the chapter; could you tell who was talking, or who/what they were talking about? I just want to know if I can keep the mystery (if there is one) up a bit more.
    Last edited: Dec 9, 2012
  8. Shadow Lucario

    Shadow Lucario Well-Known Member

    I could kind of guess, but I'm probably wrong. XD It's vague enough to keep you guessing, but it also hints at something to kind of make you want to guess.
  9. GildedScizor

    GildedScizor The drinking bird

    Great, that's exactly what I was going for!

    On another note, Chapter 2 should be up tomorrow night at the latest (Australian Eastern Daylight Time). After that the next few chapters will probably take a bit longer but not too much.
  10. Ausgirl

    Ausgirl Well-Known Member

    This looks quite interesting, Hoenn is my favourite region and I liked a lot of the descriptions you used such as the ripples and the Milotic. That was a particularly nice touch and very region appropriate. There's just a few things that I think you could work on:

    This sentence was a little awkward to read since at this stage no-one knows what pokemon you're describing. I think this sentence would make more sence if it said "Both Blazikan and Metagross were exhausted..." followed by the descriptions of the pokemon.

    There should be a space between each paragraph such as:

    "Blaziken use Blaze Kick, full power!!"

    "Don't hold back Metagross; Meteor Mash!!"

    Personally I think Blazikan should have been able to defeat Metagross since it's faster than the later and both fire and fighting-type moves are super effective against the steel-types. It doesn't make much sence to have Blazikan win against Swampert and Gliscor since Blazikan is week against water and ground-types. Furthermore Swampert and Gliscor are capable of walling various pokemon. The only time I can see Blazikan winning against either of them is by switching in after another pokemon and taking the last move. So it might be possible for Blazikan to take down one but definately not both. If Morrison can't handle Blazikan with a Swampert etc then he's not a very good trainer.

    Rivalry makes more sence.

    Also you say that they are impatient. Perhaps you should show this rather than by saying it. This makes the story more interesting.

    I like the idea of painting different designs on the pokeballs but I fail to understand why this would make him more creative at battling.

    This sentence doesn't make much sence since Ho-Oh is weak against water so why would it bath in it? Perhaps you should just leave this sentence as "pools of water shimmered and shined." That's descriptive enough as it is.

    Again it's better to show rather than tell. Instead of just describing something as beautiful you should explain why something is beautiful. This is because everyone has a different views on what is beautiful. Plus it makes for better writing.
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2012
  11. GildedScizor

    GildedScizor The drinking bird

    Thanks! I'm trying to keep it as region-specific as possible, but there will inevitably be allusions and inclusions to/from characters from other regions.

    I do like to keep details fairly vague until I can reveal them with enough dramatic emphasis but I see where you're coming from.

    Duly noted, thanks!

    I was originally going to showcase more of the battle to better show how they got to that point, but decided it wasn't very fitting for a prologue. As for type advantages, Blaziken and Metagross actually balance out a bit with Metagross' Psychic powers to counter Blaziken's Fighting type. Plus, in the anime Swampert and Gliscor (back then Gligar) weren't exactly Morrison's strongest pokemon. Metang was his main pokemon and Blaziken was Brendan's, so I wanted a really dramatic clash of power between the two. The battle system is very similar to the anime which means it has fairly little relation to the game XD. Also, given how little of the battle I talked about, for all we know Blaziken could have taken out an incredibly weakened Swampert and Gliscor or could have simply overpowered them. It's up to the reader to decide on that. Personally, I don't even know which of those outcomes I'd prefer. :p

    Lol, I plan to!

    I suppose it's sort of a parallel; if it's symbolic that he can become creative in certain areas, why not the same with his battling? Having said that, I don't think I worded it properly. That aside, it's definitely something I plan to emphasise.

    Well given that it's the Rainbow pokemon, I figured that would be a well suited description. Plus, all pokemon need to drink, bathe and keep clean somehow, even if doesn't exactly make sense!

    I see, thanks!

    XD, come to Australia.

    Much obliged :)

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