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[PG] The Song (this is a one shot. . .>.>)

Ventus3

Waiting for summer
((Yes, this is my first attempt on here at anything besides poetry, and I hope that a lot of people can help me through this. xD I sound like I'm about to have surgery.))


The Song​

Tomas and Silvia were looking outside their depressing, city appartment as the grey sky poured with rain. The smoke a nearby factory fumed out into the already grey sky to make it a depressing black.

"Why are we cooped up in here?" Silvia questioned her twin brother Tomas

"I think it's because our parents don't want us to get hurt" Tomas replied.

"I wish I was a Pokemon, then I would be free to roam the world as I please!" Silvia shouted to Tomas

"Like that would happen! That's impossible!" Mark responded with doubt in his
sister's words.

"But I also have a wish, that's more important than that, I wish that, our parents were happy and that we had happy, wealthy lives." Silvia thought to herself as she looked out the window.

They were twin brother and sister. They both had shining blue eyes and curly, brown hair. They were fifteen years old and about five feet and four inches tall. Silvia and Tomas had different personalities though. Silvia was always curious, but she was naive of the dangers around her. Tomas is the cautious one of the two. Tomas is usually seen keeping Silvia from going outside to keep her safe, but Silvia does not know Tomas's intentions when he keeps her from playing outside. They were pour and Silvia wore a ragged pink dress. Mark wore a ragged green T-shirt and dark blue pants that were torn into shorts. Their shoes were torn at the front.

Soon, the rain stopped and a rainbow showed for a brief moment before being covered by the smog of the factory.

The twins' parents were working class and worked in the very factory that Silvia and Tomas were staring at. The parents were usually not home until midnight. As soon as the parents came home, the parents would fall asleep on the couch or on the sofa.

That night, the parents came home and they collapsed on the sofa. It was very late, but Silvia was still up. She saw a pure, blue light shining up into the sky.

Silvia could not resist the temptation to see where the light came from. She put on a grey sweater and sneaked out the door. She walked down the stairs, passing other peoples' appartments. Soon, she arrived on the street. Intent on finding what the light was caused by, she sprinted off towards the blue light.

Being naive, she ran in the night and made herself noticeable. A thief dressed in crimson and black, snuck behind her and followed her every step and leap. Finally, Silvia arrived at a lush, calm forest outside of town.

She slowed down and walked through the mystical, green forest. Enjoying the beautiful pink and white flowers that were in bloom.

"Why can't they make a place like this near our house?" Silvia questioned herself as she stopped to tie her shoe.

Silvia finished tying her old ragged shows and continued on through the forest. The thief watched from a tree waiting for the perfect opportunity to pounce on her and steal whatever Silvia was finding.

Silvia wandered through the forest. It had suddenly gained an air of mystery. She felt the light to her back and turned around to see the light. She ran up to the light to realize that the light was coming from a lake.

Silvia looked at its beauty. The water shined with crystal clearity, Water Pokemon and flying Pokemon flew and swam around the light. Suddenly, the light turned off.

"What, what's going on?" Silvia asked at the lake not expecting an answer.

a Pokemon rose out of the water. It was silhouetted by the night's darkness, but it was benevolent.

The Pokemon started to sing. It caused the water to vibrate in magnificent grace. The voice was pure and beautiful, like an angel of the lake's depths. Silvia closed her eyes peacefully to enjoy the gorgeous melody.

"What is going on?!? This was not supposed to happen!" The thief said in shock, "Milotic was supposed to give me her treasure, not that pour, wretched girl!" yelled the thief.

Milotic continued to sing her song, blue magic started to wrap around Silvia in a warm embrace. Carrying her to Milotic. The milotic started to fade away as Gardevoir came into view. Gardevoir started to sing, the voice rang with the same perfect harmony as Milotic's. Silvia, soon realized that Milotic was just an illusion.

The thief, finally decided to do something, and sent out his Honchcrow to handle things. Honchcrow first went towards Gardevoir with enthusiasm, but Honchcrow soon became mesmerized by Gardevoir's beautiful voice. The thief soon succumbed to the song's magic and went away.

"You have one wish Silvia" Gardevoir said kindly to Silvia.

"Really?!?" Silvia asked with excitment.

Meanwhile, Tomas, having realized that Silvia had left, ran out into the city in search of her. Tomas eventually came to the conclusion that Silvia went to the forest. Tomas ran to the shining lake to see Silvia floating in the air in front of a Gardevoir.

"Stop!" Tomas shouted to Silvia and Gardevoir.

"But why?" Silvia asked, tears starting to form in her eyes.

"Because, I don't want you to get hurt, I would be lonely without you" Tomas explained loudly to Silvia.

"I'm sorry, but, once I have made a promise, I must fullfill it, please, what is your wish Silvia?" Gardevoir asked again.

"I wish, I wish. . . ." Silvia was interrupted.

"Please think carefully" Tomas interrupted.

Soon, Silvia came up with a final solution. She whispered her wish to Gardevoir, knowing that she would probably pay the ultimate price.

"You know there is a price to your wish?" Gardevoir asked warningly.

"Yes, I'm glad to pay that price, if it is to fullfill that wish" Silvia said.

"If you say so" Gardevoir said.

Gardevoir started singing with her beautiful voice. It took a different tone. It was sad.

"What, what is happening?" Tomas asked as he saw his sister's eyes go blank.

"This is for the best Tomas" Silvia whispered right before her eyes went blank.

Silvia's eyes went blank as she rose into the air. Gardevoir had a tear in her eye for what was to come.

"I'm so sorry, but this is what she wanted" Gardevoir said, half sobbing.

Silvia was now floating in the air. She opened her mouth, singing a beautiful song as white magic started creeping around her. The white magic then encased Silvia in a crysalis. Then, the singing stopped as everything became deathly silent. The silence ominously creeped into Tomas's soul. It filled him with fear and despair. He did not know what was going to happen next.


"Thank you, I will always be with you!" Silvia finally called out as the crysalis started to crack.

The crysalis, after a couple of minutes gave way. Silvia was shining immaculately. Silvia had sparkling angel wings that would make any angel jealous. She shined with wonderful splendor and grace. She then rose up into the sky. The feathers then broke off of her wings and spread all over the area. There was a sudden flash and a ripple. Silvia fell down, a very peaceful look on her lifeless face.

The Next Morning​

Tomas woke up out of his luxurious, draped, king sized bed. He took a shower in a giant bathroom, got dressed, and then had a delicious breakfast made by a maid.

"I realize what Silvia wished for now" Tomas thought to himself as he ate his eggs.

"Tomas, is there something wrong?" Tomas's dad asked.

"No, I've missed you two!" Tomas said happily as he hugged his Dad and Mother in a warm embrace.

Tears formed in his eyes. He couldn't bare the fact that he could not save his twin sister.

~~Fin. . . .>.> (I honestly thought that was a bit of a tear jerker, yes, I teared up! )
 

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
Er, bwah... wha?

I've re-read this three times, but it just kinda feels a little.. rushed. And flat. Sorry, it does, the situation isn't described well; I mean why would a Gardevoir kill a human to fulfill a wish? And it's also a bit shallow; I would rather have my twin, or sibling, then luxury, so Tomas' anguish doesn't come out as much as it should, if he's feeling so guilty and remorseful.

I think you need to just, read a bit more about how people act, cause it feels like Tomas should have been forcing himself, to get up. To act normal. And then broke down at the sight of his parents, but never able to tell them that this wasn't normal. That he wasn't able to save his sister.

And maybe went insane.

Outside of that; the flow was rushed. You had so many 'scenes' yet little describing, and much rolling from one to the other quickly, like having a thief when, why was he needed? For awhile, I thought he was Silva's killer, before seeing, no, it was the wish that killed her.

Also it's poor and you keep forgetting the little period at the end of speaking scentences, or atleast a comma.
 
Uuuhhhh... huh...?

Sorry, but this isn't to good for a fanfic. As Yami Ryu said above me, this appears to have been rushed. There is some description, but not much. Since this a one-shot, there should be at least a decent amount of description. There is no second chapter to add more, so you should be placing more description into this then a usual story.

I do not see why Gardevoir killed Silvia. As she stated earlier:

"I wish I was a Pokemon, then I would be free to roam the world as I please!"

"But I also have a wish, that's more important than that, I wish that, our parents were happy and that we had happy, wealthy lives." Silvia thought to herself as she looked out the window.

Neither could be solved by her death. In the first one, she wished to be a Pokemon, not dead. If anything, her body would be turned into a Piplup or something like that, rather than her 'soul' being placed in a Pokemon's body.

The second wish was for "Happy" lives. He brother and parents wouldn't be happy if she died, they'd be devastated. She could have just wished for alesser wish, like heaps of luck for their familly or something. Dying is a bit extreme, especially in this circumstance.

Just to Clarify (1): What is there Theif's role?
Just to Clarify (2): Why aren't their parents upset? Are they happy she died?
Just to Clarify (3): Gardevoir needs to kill her... why?

I hope you can improve in other one shots

Thanks. PocketmonMaster.
 
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