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phoopes' Drabble Corner

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Phoopes, Sep 1, 2011.

  1. Phoopes

    Phoopes There it is.

    Well, this is something that you don't see every day. A Drabble! For those of you who don't know what a Drabble is, it is a story that consists of exactly 100 words. This is my first attempt at one, so here goes nothing!

    ***

    "The Egg"
    by phoopes

    An small white egg sitting in a nest. Waiting.

    Suddenly, it twitches. The movement grows.

    The movement becomes a hypnotic dance. Back and forth, back and forth.

    A crack in the shell. As the egg moves, the crack is growing. Larger and larger it becomes until a beak is seen.

    Slowly but surely, the creature inside is becoming more visible. The beak, then the head, torso, wings and legs. Finally, the clawed feet step out of the former container.

    The creature is revealed. A Piplup. Small. Untouched. Naive. It blinks its eyes open at the sight of the morning.

    Life.

    ***

    I know that this isn't the usual sort of thing that you see here, but I hope you enjoyed it! Please tell me what you think and review!
     
    Last edited: Sep 2, 2011
  2. jstinftw!

    jstinftw! hontoni

    Hey! This is a pretty interesting idea, but I think you should read the rules first.

    We're not supposed to post anything less than two pages here.

    I see what you're aiming for, I liked it, but we're not supposed to post stuff like this here. At least, not something this short.

    Hope this helps! Really, not bad writing.
     
  3. katiekitten

    katiekitten The Compromise

    NACHOE, that's not quite right, especially with drabbles - if you check the ninth rule, they are actually allowed, the author is just limited to posting all consequent drabbles in the same thread. It's an odd writing form, I will give you that - but perfectly within their rights to go under two pages. There is at least one other writer on this forum who has been regularly updating short drabbles here, I believe, and I write quite a few perfect 100s myself, I just don't post them here. They can be quite tricky to get right. xD Besides, the 'two page' rule is only limited to chaptered stories, even oneshots and songs are allowed to flaunt that rule.

    On to the drabble!

    You captured the moment quite well, I thought. :3 You gave it a nice pace, so the one-liner end seemed in place, although it wasn't the most original- but when you only have one hundred words there isn't much room for that, and it fit, in any case. Birth is always a poignant moment. :3 The only other thing I would say is that I'd have switched the initial reference to the 'sphere' to the 'egg' and left the sphere descriptive until afterwards. Really, it's much simpler just to describe it as it is, rather than substituting the word for something else - I felt that the point of the drabble was to describe the birthing process and the details of that, and this dancing around the word seemed a little unneeded. This is probably just a personal preference, though, haha. I wrote in a forum roleplay once where the writers was addicted to using anything but the word itself to describe their characters' movements, going so far as to abuse a thesaurus for substitutes and coming up with terms that would quickly catch on with the rest. I was treated to horses throwing their 'craniums' around before I decided it was all too much and left. xD

    In any case, I thought this was well done - a good use of the length restrictions. :3 Will you be writing more?
     
  4. jstinftw!

    jstinftw! hontoni

    Well in that case, my bad. Hehe... I wasn't sure.

    But that just means all I can say is that it was actually pretty good. Like katiekittien, it'd be nice to see more of this. With less than one page, you've written something really beautiful, albeit simple.

    Good job!
     
  5. Phoopes

    Phoopes There it is.

    Thanks for positive reviews! I will be writing more drabble in this thread. (I should've probably had the name as something different than the title of my first piece though.)

    @katiekitten: Advice taken. Will change "sphere" to "egg." It does make it easier.
     
  6. Ejunknown

    Ejunknown be creative

    [A small note: how much can an egg move to become a dance? (I am now picturing an egg spinning so fast that it twirls. Not a very serious image, but I think I can contribute that to my current illness. >__>)]

    It's a sweet drabble. However, what I would have loved is if you used your language, and the way you showed this story (not told) to highlight the innocence, and the struggle, and the somewhat brutal beginnings of life (babies wail as their new nerve endings feel the outside air for the first time, it takes hatchlings hours to break open their eggs and become free if they aren't helped by their parents). It would have given this more of an 'oompf', and some more depth, instead of a simple message: life. Life is not so simple a concept, your abbreviation of it is misleading. x'D
     
    Last edited: Sep 1, 2011
  7. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    Just going to confirm that it's within the rules, bcause drabbles are meant to be short and all and so will be within the 2 page rule. Other one-shots can also be less than two pages - it's more for chapters only (not prologues even!) and even then we allow some short chapters if they are actually well written and not just rushed badly/put together with no regard for spelling or grammar.
     
  8. Phoopes

    Phoopes There it is.

    Well, here it is. The next Drabble in this "series" of sorts. Like the first, it involves a bird Pokemon. However, they are not related. Enjoy!

    ***

    "Flight"
    by phoopes

    The young Rufflet stood erect on a branch of his favorite tree. He was visibly agitated, clawing at the bark and shifting his weight back and forth from foot to foot. Finally, he decided. It was time.

    Slowly, he unfurled his still developing wings. He took a deep breath, letting the cool evening air calm him.

    He leaped into the air, panicking slightly as he dropped. However, his confidence arose as his wings caught an updraft. They were working naturally, and now he was soaring through the forest. Twisting and diving, it was unlike any experience he had before.

    Exhilaration.

    ***

    Well, there it is. Hope you enjoyed it, and please review!
     
  9. jstinftw!

    jstinftw! hontoni

    Wow, you're pretty good at this drabble stuff. ^__^

    I like the way the piece was written. I could picture the Rufflet and the tree, and his leap. It captured the moment pretty nicely. Good job!
     
  10. katiekitten

    katiekitten The Compromise

    x3 You can really capture the endings, you know? Very adorable, and once again a good use of the hundred words. :3
     
  11. Phoopes

    Phoopes There it is.

    Thanks for the positive reviews! I like to end the Drabble with that one word sentence, just to leave an impression on the reader. I feel that it helps capture the moment more, plus keeps the word count down a little bit. I find this writing style fun, too, which is what really counts when ya think about it. It's a challenge to limit myself to just 100 words, and I love that challenge.
     
  12. FireTypeLover

    FireTypeLover Mr. Soul Stealer

    Nice drabbles, phoopes! I was planning on reviewing one of your fics, since you were one of three people who reviewed mine, but I was too busy to read all the chapters of the Pokémon Saga. So, I'll read these drabbles instead!

    I liked The Egg. Though what Ejunknown said is logical, I still liked how you wrote about life.

    And I liked "Flight" even better. For some reason, it reminds of the Guardians of Ga'Hoole book series. Guess the stuff I like I really like... Anyways, to me, the drabble captures the exhiliration of flight perfectly.
     
  13. Phoopes

    Phoopes There it is.

    Oh, I completely missed what Ejunknown said. So...

    @Ejunknown: While I do agree with you, I would find it kind of difficult to put that into 100 words. I'll consider that if I do a revision on, "The Egg."

    @FireTypeLover: I've never read the Guardians of Ga'Hoole series. In fact, I didn't know until right now that it was a book series. I thought it was just a movie. XD I also liked "Flight" better. Personally, I thought I did a bit better of a job with it than "The Egg."

    To everyone: I'm currently working on the 3rd Drabble in the unofficial, "phoopes' Drabble Corner." It'll be up today.
     
  14. Ejunknown

    Ejunknown be creative

    8'D This gives me an idea, actually.

    A few years ago I had a thread (I was browsing through my posted threads recently, completely forgot this ever existed), where using 250 words, you had to describe a small setting, as thoroughly and interesting (so no listing) as possible. As you enjoy writing these (and I really do like them, the last one is adorable, Rufflet is one of my favourite of the new Pokemon, the image you create is adorable), would you consider putting up a 100 word drabble thread?

    I can see it being a great idea, as you are writing these regularly, and I can see a lot of other people participating. >u< (I also take part in an off-site drabble community, although the word limits alternate between 100-400 based off of prompts; this one wouldn't have to be so specific, but it is definitely one of my favourite weekly commitments.)
     
  15. Phoopes

    Phoopes There it is.

    Hmmmm... Interesting thought you have there. I could definitely see that being a success. However, we'd have to get more interest than just two people. I'll contact bobandbill about it, and see what he thinks.
     
  16. katiekitten

    katiekitten The Compromise

    -I'd be interested, by the by. ;x
     
  17. Phoopes

    Phoopes There it is.

    UPDATE: No community Drabble thread... :( Oh well. Here's the third Drabble. Enjoy!

    ***

    "Winter"
    by phoopes

    Flareon was cold. It wasn’t a normal kind of cold, but a cold that chilled her to the bone, holding her in an icy grip. Frost was forming on her fur, and her body, once hot to the touch, was cooling off fast. She was trudging through the snow, ribs showing through her pelt. Desperately searching for food, finding none. Her paws slowed, and she was still for a minute. Exhausted, she collapsed onto the cold, hard ground. Hypothermia was distorting her senses, and frostbite made her body numb. Eyes glazed over, she lay motionless, and took her final breath.

    ***

    I was in a bad mood when I wrote that, obviously. It's the first time that I've ever killed off a character in any of my writings. Anyway, hope you enjoyed it! Please review!
     
  18. DarkOverlord777

    DarkOverlord777 The Dragon Mage

    hmm....it was a bit depressing,but it was very good!I loved the use of the 100 words you used!overall:Very Good!
     
  19. Phoopes

    Phoopes There it is.

    Yea, like I said, I was in sort of a bad mood when I wrote it. That's probably why it came off as depressing. :p Anyway, I was really happy with how this one turned out. I might do depressing ones more often, lol.
     
  20. jstinftw!

    jstinftw! hontoni

    Your bad mood came through.

    IT'S SO SAD. I feel so bad for that Flareon, despite it being my least favorite Eeveelution. It was pretty well written. The impact of what you write has not dropped yet, so you're doing something right. Keep up the good work!
     

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