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phoopes' Drabble Corner
- Thread starter Phoopes
- Start date
FireTypeLover
Mr. Soul Stealer
Quoting phoopes from the previous post, HOW DARE YOU HATE ON FLAREON!! And I'm not kidding, like phoopes was, since my username is FireTypeLover and all.
Anyways, this drabble was dark.
Dragonfree
Just me
While you have a bit more in the way of real concepts behind your drabbles than magikarprules, I'm sorry to say it doesn't feel like these have much real substance. They're mostly description, meaning they feel padded: you have a small, simple concept and then you stretch it to fill into 100 words, instead of saying something really bigger than the drabble. None of your little scenes hint at a bigger context or characterization that could leave the reader really thinking about them afterwards. They're cute little scenes, in their way, but they're not very impactful and don't say very much.
If you gave us some inkling of why that Flareon was freezing to death and couldn't just use her Fire abilities to keep herself warm, for instance, it could be a lot more interesting. Right now you're just introducing this random Flareon and going (in a few more words) "And then she died. The end." It's kind of sad, but characters dying doesn't have impact just in itself, without any idea of who they were or what they died for.
Try to have something more to them than just what you're describing, something larger. Let us fill in the blanks. Show characters or situations that we can really extrapolate into the future or past to create a story that goes beyond just the 100 words you wrote.
If you gave us some inkling of why that Flareon was freezing to death and couldn't just use her Fire abilities to keep herself warm, for instance, it could be a lot more interesting. Right now you're just introducing this random Flareon and going (in a few more words) "And then she died. The end." It's kind of sad, but characters dying doesn't have impact just in itself, without any idea of who they were or what they died for.
Try to have something more to them than just what you're describing, something larger. Let us fill in the blanks. Show characters or situations that we can really extrapolate into the future or past to create a story that goes beyond just the 100 words you wrote.
Thanks for the advice Dragonfree. I had another Drabble ready, but I deleted it after what you said. After re-reading it, it didn't have those qualities that you mentioned. I'm now working on a new Drabble that can actually become more than just a little scene. I think that I can make this one have a true impact on people. Once again thanks for the advice!
All right. I think I got it right this time. Enjoy!
***
"Champion"
by phoopes
Zach was almost ready for the biggest battle of his life. As he stepped forward, his journey flashed before his eyes.
Chandelure, holding its ground against Shauntal’s team.
Darmanitan, huddling against Zach, warming him on winter nights.
Sigilyph, being rushed to the Pokemon Center after being knocked out by Burgh’s Whirlipede.
Simisage, facing off against that strange boy, N.
Stoutland, the first wild Pokemon that he ever caught.
And finally Samurott, receiving him as an Oshawott, and setting off to begin his journey at Route One.
Meeting the gaze of his opponent, Zach spoke. “I’m ready Alder! Don’t hold back!”
***
Hopefully this Drabble had a bit more substance. Thanks for reading and please review!
***
"Champion"
by phoopes
Zach was almost ready for the biggest battle of his life. As he stepped forward, his journey flashed before his eyes.
Chandelure, holding its ground against Shauntal’s team.
Darmanitan, huddling against Zach, warming him on winter nights.
Sigilyph, being rushed to the Pokemon Center after being knocked out by Burgh’s Whirlipede.
Simisage, facing off against that strange boy, N.
Stoutland, the first wild Pokemon that he ever caught.
And finally Samurott, receiving him as an Oshawott, and setting off to begin his journey at Route One.
Meeting the gaze of his opponent, Zach spoke. “I’m ready Alder! Don’t hold back!”
***
Hopefully this Drabble had a bit more substance. Thanks for reading and please review!
Last edited:
Well, I thought the most recent Drabble would've gotten a review by now... oh well. Here's the next one. By the way, this is me trying to be funny, so it may or may not work. Just a warning.
***
"Revenge"
by phoopes
Magikarp floundered helplessly on the ground. Losing yet another battle, his trainer was mad at him. Again.
"You worthless peace of Grimer dung!" the trainer shouted, as he kicked Magikarp like a football.
Something inside Magikarp snapped. Glaring at his trainer, he wished he could do something. But suddenly, Magikarp started to glow.
The glowing became more intense, growing rapidly until it was almost blinding. As the glowing grew, so did Magikarp, who was beginning to take on a serpent-like shape.
He was floating now, a full-fledged Gyarados. Smiling menacingly at his trainer, Gyarados smiled. Time to kick some a**.
***
This idea was inspired by the anime. It was an episode (I forget which) when a Magikarp was kicked and evolved into a Gyarados. Hope you liked it!
***
"Revenge"
by phoopes
Magikarp floundered helplessly on the ground. Losing yet another battle, his trainer was mad at him. Again.
"You worthless peace of Grimer dung!" the trainer shouted, as he kicked Magikarp like a football.
Something inside Magikarp snapped. Glaring at his trainer, he wished he could do something. But suddenly, Magikarp started to glow.
The glowing became more intense, growing rapidly until it was almost blinding. As the glowing grew, so did Magikarp, who was beginning to take on a serpent-like shape.
He was floating now, a full-fledged Gyarados. Smiling menacingly at his trainer, Gyarados smiled. Time to kick some a**.
***
This idea was inspired by the anime. It was an episode (I forget which) when a Magikarp was kicked and evolved into a Gyarados. Hope you liked it!
Real life seems to be getting in the way of my writing... anyway, hope to get a review for this one. Enjoy!
***
"Feeding Time"
by phoopes
Mandibuzz circled lazily in the sky, looking for a meal. With well-trained eyes, she spotted a small Pichu scampering along the prairie. It didn't even take notice of her.
Still circling, Mandibuzz dropped lower in the sky. Now in striking distance, she swooped.
Screaming through the air, the world a blur, zeroing in on her target. The Pichu didn't see her until it was too late...
With the limp body hanging from her claws, Mandibuzz flew back to her nest. Seeing her newly-hatched chicks, she smiled. She dropped the carcass and they began to devour, stripping away the flesh.
Lunch.
***
Hope you liked it. Once again, please review!
***
"Feeding Time"
by phoopes
Mandibuzz circled lazily in the sky, looking for a meal. With well-trained eyes, she spotted a small Pichu scampering along the prairie. It didn't even take notice of her.
Still circling, Mandibuzz dropped lower in the sky. Now in striking distance, she swooped.
Screaming through the air, the world a blur, zeroing in on her target. The Pichu didn't see her until it was too late...
With the limp body hanging from her claws, Mandibuzz flew back to her nest. Seeing her newly-hatched chicks, she smiled. She dropped the carcass and they began to devour, stripping away the flesh.
Lunch.
***
Hope you liked it. Once again, please review!
katiekitten
The Compromise
Heey~! *hugs* Am all caught up- I especially like the 'champion' one, the way you implied the journey that had led up that point. X3 it was very sweet- I may have done it a little more subtly; the name in particular gave away what you'd dodged telling us until the end: who the character was fighting, but I did like the circular taint you gave this, leaving the oshawott and it's accompanying memory until last. Very nice. X3 Perhaps integrating the memories into the piece a little more would make it seem a little less blunt- at the moments the memories seem a little lusty. As it is a pokemon battle, you could integrate them in between an action, just to make it less static- battles are supposed to have highly charged, fast atmospheres, neh? :3
X3 I loved that episode~! with jessie and James' magikarp, right? Brings back memories. <3 hash, I liked the black humor in this. X3 It may have been more effective if you'd kept to either a detached narrator or the POV of the trainer- therefore allowing the repercussions of the magikarp's evolution to be implied rather then stated, but it was fun x3 a nice little ironic scene.
X3 nice descriptions in the last one~! I quite liked the scene you played through: it was summed up nicely by the title. My only qualm is that is was just that, a description- You could, I felt, have put a little more of the characters personalities to make it work a little more by itself- such as the mother's? I know you're pressed for space though. X3
All in all I really liked these~! x3 well done :3
X3 I loved that episode~! with jessie and James' magikarp, right? Brings back memories. <3 hash, I liked the black humor in this. X3 It may have been more effective if you'd kept to either a detached narrator or the POV of the trainer- therefore allowing the repercussions of the magikarp's evolution to be implied rather then stated, but it was fun x3 a nice little ironic scene.
X3 nice descriptions in the last one~! I quite liked the scene you played through: it was summed up nicely by the title. My only qualm is that is was just that, a description- You could, I felt, have put a little more of the characters personalities to make it work a little more by itself- such as the mother's? I know you're pressed for space though. X3
All in all I really liked these~! x3 well done :3