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Pichu,The Legendary Pokemon Bounty Hunter:PG-13

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Pichumaster

CROWBARS
~Prologue~
A long time ago, in a small forest on an island in the Hoenn region, there was a small clearing that was home to many pichu, pikachu, and raichu. These mouse pokemon were very happy in their homes. One night, all of that changed...
~Chapter 1:The Initiative~

-Pichu-
It was about ten minutes to 12:00AM,and I was about to go to sleep when I heard a sound. I darted out the den and standing around the entire clearing, there were twenty-one shadows of different shapes and sizes. Just then, one that looked like a flying serpent began charging a yellow-orange orb, and I knew what was coming up.” A hyper beam.” I said to myself. The serpent let out a blazing stream of energy at the dens. Following the hyper beam, a bird, a wolf-like shadow and one that looked like an over-grown Wailmer let out a blizzard attack, then a phoenix, a lion and a large lizard-like shadow used an overheat, while a larger phoenix used an attack that burned everything in it's way that I heard was called "sacred fire”. After that, a zigzag shaped bird and a tiger used thunder. The massive assault continued when a large bird with hand-like wings used another attack I've heard about called "aeroblast" .Then after that, three small shadows appeared, one that looked like a flying cat, one that looked like a fairy, and one that had a star shaped head. They used these attacks in order: Explosion, Solarbeam, and Doom Desire. More came while the ones that had attacked left. Two dragon like shadows came.
One sent a ball created from it's own down, while the other one sent out a flash of light. Then three golem like shadows came. I could just barely see what they were made out of. One was of rock, the second was of ice, and the last one was made of steel. They charged electric orbs between their hands and shot them at the dens that were still standing. I had thought the attack had finished when two human-like shadows came and destroyed my den ."No!” I screamed as tears ran down my face. The two shadows stared at me and one raised his hand, creating a blue aura around me, then it thrusted it's arm to another direction and sent me flying. I looked down at the ruins of my home, when suddenly, I knew what the shadows were. The word came into my mind: Legendaries .I then knew what the pokemon were:Rayquaza, the serpent-like dragon that lives in the atmosphere, Articuno, the long-tailed ice bird, Suicune, the wolf-like legendary dog that has the power of water and ice, Kyogre, the legendary whale that can create oceans, Moltres, the fire bird, Entei, the lion-like legendary dog that can create volcanoes by barking, Groudon, the legendary lizard that can create land, Ho-oh,the phoenix that rules over the legendary dogs, Zapdos, the lightning bird, Raikou, the tiger-like legendary dog that can controls thunder, Lugia, the legendary ruler of the legendary birds, Mew, the cat-like legendary that supposedly has the DNA of all pokemon, Celebi, the legendary that is able to travel through time, Jirachi, the legendary wish granter that only awakens during the week of the Millenium Comet, Latias, the first of the two protectors of the soul dew, Latios, the second of the two protsctors of the soul dew, Regirock, Regice, and Registeel, the legendary trio of Hoenn, Mewtwo, the clone of Mew, Deoxys, the pokemon that emerged from a virus in a meteorite. I swore that if I survived,I would kill them all.As I plummeted towards the ocean,I asked myself:Why would they do that?
 
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T

Teddiursa Warrior

Guest
;216; ;216; ;216;
You like Pichu and I like Teddiursa fwahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaa
any way great thread thats filled with alot of detail. Kyogre and Groudon should die first I think because they really suck. They shouldent even be legendaries
10/10 for the thread

Teddiursa Warrior
 
Well. You've certainly got an action packed beginning, eh? One things stands out more than the rest - and that is spacing and punctuation. "it's" only has an apostrophe when it's an abbreviation for 'it is'. When you want to show that an it has possession of something, use "its". As for spacing, separate the paragraphs with a line in between. It makes it easier for the reader - as wel as more enticing. I've yet to see a reader who leaps for joy at the sight of a huge, solid block of text just whacked on the page. I think most people prefer to see things broken up into chunks. Another technical/formatting thing you want to consider is the length. If it's under a page in Word, you can get your story closed. I think you're safe for now, because the prologue is allowed to be shorter, but the rest of your chapters should really be quite a bit longer to conform to the rules.

As for the content of the story, I have to say that a lot of people get turned off at the first sign of legendaries en masse. When there's no immediate justification for such an abrupt entry for the most powerful pokemon, people tend to think less of the story. Personally, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. You've just done your prologue. Althought first impressions can be very telling, you deserve a chance to explain why the legendaries suddenly decimated a little pokemon's home. And why they let the pokemon live.

What's the passing of the Millennium Comet doing to other things? I assume that the comet is passing because Jirachi is up and about.

Anyway, there's just a few things to work on for your next chapter. Good luck and don't be put off, whatever happens! Keep writing!

Piney.
;204;;324;
 
P

pisces_beedrill

Guest
brilliant. keep writing, it is so good. action packed. well described
 

Pichumaster

CROWBARS
~Chapter 2:Vengeful Beginnings~
-Pichu-
I had felt like I had slept for days, even weeks on a large, blue bed. I had gotten up and looked out at the horizon and I saw the sun coming up, I looked down and observed what I have been on all this time, a Wailord. Suddenly, a strong thunderstorm arrived and huge waves almost knocked me off of the Wailord. Suddenly, a glow appeared underwater that was red as blood and I knew what was coming.Just then, the pokemon I've been waiting for. " Kyogre, you monster!How could you have destroyed my den along with the others?!",I screamed at it as it jumped through the water as if it was playing.
-Kyogre-
I was creating more water when I heard something call my name, so I turned to the little yellow rat on the giant whale." What do you want?" I asked firmly." I want to KILL you!", the yellow electric rat yelled back." Hhha,ha ha ha ha ha, yyou wwant to kill ME?" I laughed, not being able to control myself, " Alright then.", I chuckled and launched a ball of mud at him.The little rat dodged the attack and sent a thunderbolt at me and, unfortunately, I didn't dodge it and it hit straight on and, worst of all, I was paralyzed.I couldn't move as I watched the rat tell something to the whale and suddenly, the whale was coming to beach me onto the shore. When I finally reached the shore,the rat came off the whale and onto me. " This is what you get for killing my family!", he screamed at me as his tail started to glow white. He slashed my throat with his tail and I saw a white light as everything became dark.I was dying...
-Pichu-
I washed off the blood from my tail and found a red and white orb. " I guess this what they call a pokeball.", I told myself as I picked the ball up and threw it at Wailord, and I caught him.I also found a belt to put the ball on and I saw that I could put up to six pokeballs here. But something bothered me as I continued onto a mountain path that had many volcanoes: What happened to the owner of the belt and pokeball?

Please review
 
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Xiang

Well-Known Member
Too short. Low on description. What does a Wailord look like? Pichu just threw it and caught a Pokemon that big without battling?

This needs work.
 

Hamner

Don't listen to me!
As Ratiosu said... but to put in a better way here are some suggestions

-You could put more happening. I do not think a Pichu would get the Kyogre easily... you could have more attempts at getting it. Making it more of a battle than one shock.

-Wouldn't Pichu wake up wondering where he/she was? Remember then get angry? I know that most people are confused when they wake somewhere that is not normally, where they sleep...

-Description is easy... for example the sun coming up and Pichu waking up
"As I looked toward the horizon it was light pink coming to an orange flaming ball of light. As I watched the flame, it started to become more yellow and it was starting to hurt my eyes. The sun was rising. I wondered how long I had slept it felt like days. How long did I sleep... Where am I Then it came back to me, the legendaries destroyed my home... (Etc.)

-I think more time should have taken place, on sea it is quite boring if there is nothing much to do and why would Pichu just ignore the Wailord.

-and if your going to change between characters you shouldn't switch too often, people need to know what is happening quickly, but it needs to make sense, maybe you could have Kyogre side a little later on, or make the story in third person "Suzy kissed Allan. Allan blushed even though they were alone, it was embarrassing" (Make the reader some invisible person watching over the characters...)

I’m not exactly a writer myself, but I know what a good story needs and just to ask, do you have a plot in mind?
(By the way your story has to be longer than what I've typed)
 

Pichumaster

CROWBARS
Well thanks for the reviews everyone, I've been so busy that I've almost forgotten about this fic, but here is Chapter 3:

~Chapter 3:The Fearsome Foursome Fight~

-Pichu-
I walked up to the edge of the mountain and began my descent. Suddenly, a blinding light up ahead made an explosion that sent a group of pokemon running. I ran towards the light and a figure came out. Then, strange sounds were coming that sounded like a broken computer. The figure turned out to be that son of a ***** space virus Deoxys. “Why hello there Deoxys, do you want to be killed?!” I called sarcastically. It replied “Vnnnnnnn?” which meant “You’re kidding right?”. I disregarded this and used Iron Tail on him, but he switched into defense mode and blocked it with an Iron Defense attack. I then used Volt Tackle and hit him right on but he switched into attack mode and used Zap Cannon ant sent me flying. Then, Deoxys went into speed mode and used Extremespeed on me. I sent out Wailord to help and told him to use Waterfall while I used Volt Tackle on Deoxys. Deoxys used Extremespeed again only to dodge the Waterfall attack. Of course, gravity did its work and Deoxys came down right in front of me, but by the time Deoxys noticed, I was already hitting him. Deoxys became paralyzed and could not move, so I took the opportunity and used Iron Tail on the crystal in his chest and shattered it. I brought back Wailord and kept moving on but I noticed something on Deoxys’s head: a small metal item that had a red blinking light, but I disregarded this and kept moving but then I had noticed that I saw the same exact thing on Kyogre’s head. Could this have something to do with how the legendaries acted?
 
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Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
... I'm just gonna report you Pichumaster, as the others seem too kind and focused on trying to help you improve when I see well, if you keep making shapters shorter than the first and the one before it.... soon you'll be posting a paragraph and calling it a chapter.

Half assed and written up in the reply box- and colored text to boot.

Pichumaster, get your little forum user arse over to the RULES thread and the ADVICE FOR ASPIRING AUTHORS thread. If you actually take in the information they have, you will get better. If not well. You'll have a crapload of closed threads under your belt ;/
 

Pichumaster

CROWBARS
... I'm just gonna report you Pichumaster, as the others seem too kind and focused on trying to help you improve when I see well, if you keep making shapters shorter than the first and the one before it.... soon you'll be posting a paragraph and calling it a chapter.

Half assed and written up in the reply box- and colored text to boot.

Pichumaster, get your little forum user arse over to the RULES thread and the ADVICE FOR ASPIRING AUTHORS thread. If you actually take in the information they have, you will get better. If not well. You'll have a crapload of closed threads under your belt ;/

Fine, report me.I don't care.You can't say that the chapters are written in the text box since I always write on Micosoft Word first then transfer it here.I might aswell just stop posting the rest of the chapters here since I have the others done. So I don't care if you report me and have a mod close or delete this thread, since there's a forum that actually enjoys this story and I have yet to see a complaint there.Just do whatever you want and I'll stop posting my "half assed" fan fics, and I'll stay out of the Fan Fiction forum until I feel that my new stories aren't so half assed as you say they are.So thanks for turning me off of Fan Fic writing.

Mods can do what they see fit for this thread.
 
ARGH blinded blinded.

Scoot to the two afore mentioned threads please, you're not listening, You're just making people lose the ability to see before even touching the fic.

Of course the'll blindly praise. IDIOTS LOVE POST COUNT. They really don't care, the oens who are TRYING to help who will say words other than way a fic rocks their socks and is covered in mushrooms.

Sandra
 
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