PMD2:Night of the Red Moon PG-13

[~Silver Aura~]

I've already uploaded 3 chapters on FF.net but I've decided to have a go submitting it here. I've spell checked it but if you see any problems just let me know what I need to fix This is my first pokemon fanfic so I'm kind of in unknown territory for the moment lol. Ok enough with the boring banter let's get this started.

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It was a beautiful morning in Treasure Town. Many Pokémon were already up getting ready to go exploring or getting they stalls ready in the case of the Kecleon bros and the others. At Sharpedo Bluff a Pikachu was just waking up and had a huge stretch. She got to her feet and looks outside. She looked like any other normal Pikachu but in fact used to be human the groove in her tail (Signifying she is female) seemed alittle deeper than most Pikachu’s.

Then a Pokémon next to her starts to sit up and has a good old stretch himself. The Pikachu looks and smiles. “Good morning Chimchar” Chimchar smiles back and laughs slightly as it was normally him who greeted her first. Chimchar also looked like most other Chimchar accept he had a small scar in his head that sort of looked like an x Chloe never asked him about it.

“Morning Chloe” Chimchar takes a look out side. “Awesome another great day for exploring” He chimed. Chloe nods.

“Sure is”

Chimchar grabs the treasure bag and checks their supplies.

“Good looks like we have everything we need” He says.

Chloe smiles.

“Great lets hurry to the guild and see what jobs we can find”

Chloe and Chimchar climb up the steps and start passing through Treasure Town almost everyone greeted them Chloe and Chimchar happily greeted back with a wave. Once they’ve reached the guild Chimchar checked the job bulletin board while Chloe looked over the Outlaw Notice board.

Chloe sees something.

“Hey Chimchar here’s one a Nidoking is causing havoc at Blizzard Island” Chimchar looks ready.

“Ok let’s do this we haven’t been to Blizzard Island in awhile this will be a great excuse to go”

And with that Chloe and Chimchar dash out of the guild to their left where the dungeons were.

About ten minutes later just as Sunflora and Bidoof were heading out a Pokémon walked towards them.

“Excuse me” He said almost as if it burned him terribly to act polite. “But is Team Firestorm here?”

Sunflora as cheery as ever looks in his direction.


“Oh my gosh I’m sorry I’m afraid you just missed them they left to apprehend an outlaw over ten minutes ago"

The Pokémon looked annoyed.

“Any idea when they’ll be back?” Sunflora and Bidoof shake their heads then Bidoof spoke up.

“If it’s important you can always wait for them at Sharpedo Bluff that’s where they live just keep going up that way till you reach the cliff but you might be in for a long wait yup yup”

The Pokémon headed of seemingly forgetting to say thanks. Sunflora and Bidoof shrug it off and continue on their way.


At Blizzard Island Chloe and Chimchar continue their search for Nidoking These two really work as a team Chloe does her best to keep any water Pokémon away from Chimchar. While Chimchar does the same with Rock types as he knew Focus Punch Chloe then spots something. “Over there!” Chimchar looks and sees Nidoking scaring a poor Delibird into giving him his Clear Gummi. Chimchar and Chloe dash up.

“Hold it right there!” Chimchar called out.

Delibird looks relieved.

“Yay! It’s team Firestorm!”

Nidoking just laughs.

“That’s an Exploration Team? They look ridiculous!”

Chloe smirks.

“Yeah we get that a lot”

Nidoking gets ready.

“Well this should be easy” Chimchar pretends to sigh.

“Don’t you just hate it when they so over confident Chloe?” Chloe nods.

“Ohhh yes it gets soooo annoying”

Nidoking is now seeing red.

“Ohhhhh you’re in for it now!” Nidoking charges at them with Horn Attack. Chimchar and Chloe dive out of the way. Chimchar uses Fury Swipes Nidoking gets hit a couple of times but manages to grab Chimchar’s arm then Poison Jabs him in the stomach. Chloe glares.

“Ohhh you’ll wish you hadn’t done that”

Chloe charges at Nidoking who was about to hit Chimchar with Horn Drill and used Quick Attack. Nidoking stumbles then goes for Chloe. Chloe uses Thunderbolt to slow him down Now Nidoking was really angry and tries to use Double Kick on her but gets hit by a Flame Wheel attack which turned out to be Chimchar.

“Thanks for the breather Chloe!” He calls.

Chloe smiles.

“No problem Chimchar”


Nidoking looks at Chimchar half impressed. “Not bad kid that actually hurt alittle”

Chimchar smirks.

“Why thank you”

Then Nidoking uses Horn Attack but Chimchar ducks and uses Focus Punch. Chloe uses Discharge. Nidoking was dazed but manages to uses Poison Jab on Chloe. Chimchar tries to use Focus Punch but Nidoking Double Kicks him Chloe uses Iron Tail from behind. Nidoking falls to the ground knocked out.

Chloe looks.

“We did it” Chimchar nods.

“Yeah we did” Chimchar winces alittle. Chloe looks concerned.

“You ok?”

Chimchar smiles reassuringly.

“Yeah I’ll be fine”

Chloe picks up the Clear Gummi and gives it back to Delibird.

“Here you go” She says.

Delibird happily accepts it.

“Thank you”


Later after taking Nidoking to Magnezone they start heading back to Sharpedo Bluff.

Chloe stretches. “Man what a day” Chimchar nods.

“Tell me about it at least now we can get home and relax”

Chimchar and Chloe reach the cliff then they noticed the Pokémon that was talking to Sunflora and Bidoof waiting for them Chloe looks slightly confused.


“Can we help you?”

Chloe looks at Chimchar and is surprised to see he was as white as a Snover.


“D….Dad?!”

 

[Yami Ryu]

First off, you need to work/develop on character interaction, description, setting description and not doing a chunky 'block' of character description, which you are starting to do.

It was a beautiful morning in Treasure Town. Many Pokémon were already up getting ready to go exploring or getting they stalls ready in the case of the Kecleon bros and the others. At Sharpedo Bluff a Pikachu was just waking up and had a huge stretch. She got to her feet and looks outside. She looked like any other normal Pikachu but in fact used to be human the groove in her tail (Signifying she is female) seemed alittle deeper than most Pikachu’s.

The description setting is a bit rushed, flat and blocky. An example of something smother- and with less jumping randomly to a character right in the middle of it;

It was another beautiful morning in Treasure Town; as always, many of inhabitants of the town, were already up and about- from simply enjoying the fine weather, to sorting out their work or business for the day. But unlike most towns. The inhabitants of this setting, are pokemon.

Or something to that extent.

Sample- no you may not use it.

And another sample you may not use;

On the outskirts of town, near a place called, unimaginatively, Sharpedo bluff for it's resemblece to the shark like Pokemon, the heroine of this story was slowly rousing herself from her slumber.

A single, long ear poked out from beneath a somewhat plain blue blanket. It was quickly followed by another black tipped, yellow ear. These twitched slightly as an audible yawn came from somewhere 'below' them, as finally the cloth is pushed up and away from the still half asleep Pikachu.


And another example of skimpy description;

“Morning Chloe” Chimchar takes a look out side. “Awesome another great day for exploring” He chimed. Chloe nods.

“Sure is”

Could easily have been;

"Morning Chloe!" Chimchar exuberantly gushed out as he bounced into the room, "It's another beautiful day outside! Perfect for exploring and adventuring!"

While Chloe loved her friend, deeply, she was just not a morning person, like him and muffled a cross of a groan and a yawn behind a paw, "I'm sure it is, Chimchar, but can you please tone it down? You might break something with all that bouncing."

Example- not for your use.

And another thing; why is ONLY the Pikachu, NAMED? WHY IS NO ONE ELSE? If only one person or thing has a name where everything else is unnamed, isn't that a bit I dunno, Strange? :/

Overall it's rushed, it's flat, the characters are as poorly described as their actions and the scenery. Their interactions are quite bland too, leaving the whole thing with a lot to be desired. I suggest first, reading Advice for Aspiring Authors. Secondly, working on description, from emotional depth, to detailing of the setting, to an extent At Least, to bettering your character description.

 

[ClassicalwaterPokemon]

I think that you have a good story.you did a good job on your story.

 

[~Silver Aura~]

@ Yami Ryu: Thanks for the tips I appriciate(sp?) it. One reason only the Pikachu is named is mainly because in the game there not named either lol yeah not the best excuse but another thing is they technacally wild pokemon sooo yeah. I'll be sure to read the aspiring authors thread you told me about I'm sure it will help and I'll try my best not rush so much.

@ Classicalwaterpokemon: Thanks I'm glad you liked it Chapter 2 will be up soon hopefully.

 

[Yami Ryu]

One reason only the Pikachu is named is mainly because in the game there not named either lol yeah not the best excuse but another thing is they technacally wild pokemon sooo yeah.

So lets get this straight, just because the game was to lazy to impliment names for numerous pokemon, and was able to get away with it only because they had single species of pokemon for the most part showing up, you think it's fine for a story?

And wild or not; do you think wild animals call eachother 'Wolf' or 'Deer' or 'Elephant'? No. And domesticated animals do respond to names people give them.

And, if nothing in your story is ever named, why would they indulge in the delusions of a Pikachu; or not stop and think, hey, I want to be called something other than Pokemon?

And, remember, in the game YOU ARE GIVEN THE OPTION TO NAME YOUR PARTNER. AND NICKNAME TEAM MEMBERS. Nicknames are names too.


Because at this rate, if you have say the Kecleon brothers appear, since they're both named that, how would you have a character interact with them? Hey, you Kecleon! No not you, the other one. Yeah, you purple Kecleon! Cause. Yeah. That's totally not awkward.

 

[CrystalGuard2]

You definantly have plenty of punctuation problems. Too many to count, unless someone has a lot of time of their hands. Giving every character a name ain't a bad idea, but don't forget to add some decent description on each new character. Treat the readers like they never seen a single picture of a pokemon in their life.

 

[Shadow_Master]

This isn't really great. The detail is really rushed. When I read this I felt like you were writing this while you were supposed to go to the prom or something. The detail is also lacking. Detail is also needed when describing characters, the game got away with description because you can actually see the characters and setting, but in a fan fiction no one can get away with detail, so take the time and sit down to write it out and make your fan fiction interesting to read. I see no description of place and time, which will actually help a lot if you add them.

I caught a lot of grammar mistakes that could have been easily been fixed/avoided altogether.

~Shadow_Master