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Pokémon Agent: The Search for Zoroark (13+ - Contains Strong Language and Violence)

Mew-100

Future Scriptwriter!
Pokémon Agent: The Search for Zoroark (13+ - Contains Strong Language and Violence)

Pronunciations You May Need:
Koukon Karasu ~ Koo (Sounds like "Blue") Con Kara (Sounds like "Cara" in "Caravan") Soo (Sound's like "You")
Irujon ~ Eeroo - Gen (Pronounced like the "Gen" in "Genre")
Illusionise ~ Ill-oo-shun-eyes (For Illusionising, just pronounce the same way adding "ing" at the end and add "Re" at the beginning for Re-Illusionise.)
Youkai ~ You-Kai (Self Explanitory)
Arceum ~ Ark-Ee-um

Pokémon Agent: The Search for Zoroark

INTRODUCTION

There are many professions in the Pokémon World; Trainers, Breeders, Rangers, Coordinators, the list goes on. One of the most respected and important jobs in this world, however, are the Pokémon Agents. Agents are more or less a much higher version of Rangers, however they have their differences. They don’t do missions for the public, rather for their own gain or the safety of the Pokémon World. Unlike Rangers, they use PokéBalls like ordinary Trainers, but are limited to 2 Partners.

Our story follows one of the best Agents in the Koukon Karasu branch, Irujon, known for his brilliant Mission Successes with his partners Zoroark and Zorua. Also known as master of disguise of the Agency, he can pretty much sneak into anywhere and fool whoever’s there disguised as someone they know or are afflicted with, Zorua and Zoroark will also Illusionise in a similar situation.

Illusionising is Irujon’s term for when Zorua and Zoroark change shape. When they do this, they glow a strong pink colour and their bodies change shape.
Different Agency Branches specialise in certain Regions. Irujon’s branch, the Koukon Karasu Branch specialise in the Hoenn Region and surrounding areas. They have all sorts of transport for quick access around the region, but mostly, when a job is nearby, Agents will self-willingly walk.

Our story begins in the skies of the Hoenn Region, on a large air carrier.

CHAPTER 1

“Is the subject in place?” One man, wearing a Green and White Head Bandanna and other clothes including a jacket, leather trousers and shoes of the same colours asked.
“The subject is in place. Shall we alert the boss?” Another answered; he was wearing the same clothes, probably a uniform. “The two of us will go together, remain at your post.” He finished, referring to yet another person dressed in the same clothes.
“Sir, yes sir,” The first man saluted and let the two other men walk past him.

They walked into another room through a door that opened as they approached it. Their footsteps were making clanging sounds against the metallic floor and the sounds of the engine could be clearly heard. Inside the room was a cage with a small grey Pokémon curled up inside. It looked terrified.
“Don’t worry, Zorua, it’s us.” One of the men said.
Zorua then stood up, smiling. One of the men opened the cage and took the small Pokémon out. The opening of the cage triggered an alarm.

A few men were already at the door, making comments about the two men with the captured Pokémon.
“People, people, please calm down. We’re just here to take my partner back!”

He removed his uniform, revealing his real self. He was wearing shiny black shoes, casual grey jeans with two PokéBalls attached to them and was wearing a casual grey jacket, keeping the theme was a grey body bag strapped over his shoulder, the bag being at his waist. He had spiky Black hair and a little white and blue device attached to his ear.

“Zoroark! Re-Illusionise!” He called, pointing towards the men at the door.
Suddenly, the man next to the person who gave him the command gave a brilliant pink glow and transformed into a much bigger looking form of the little Zorua.

He has stood on his hind legs, had black fur ending with black spiky fur ending in a pony tail held by a Ruby Hairband. This was Zoroark, and the other man seemed to be his Trainer.

“My name is Irujon, one of the best Agents of the Koukon Karasu Branch of Hoenn! Prepare to be defeated!” He said, holding out his arm. “Zoroark, Shadow Ball! Zorua, Tackle!”
The two Pokémon stood side by side, Zoroark started to form a purple and black sphere with his hands. Zorua stood back to charge. Just as Zoroark shot the Shadow Ball from his hands, Zorua started running at the men. They tried to run away but it was too late. They were either hit by the Shadow Ball or hit by Zorua.

One or two of them were dead, the others were just unconscious. A taller man with a walking stick moved into the room and locked the door behind him. He was wearing the same uniform as the men, except he had a robe instead of a jacket and the colours were the other way around.

“Bravo, Irujon. Bravo.” He said, applauding the Agent.
Irujon’s face turned serious. He recognised this person.
“Youkai. Boss of Team Phantasm. What do you want? I’m just here to get Zorua back.”
The boss smirked and clicked his fingers. Faster than you could think, a cage came from the floor and trapped Zoroark.

“Zoroark! Try to get out!” Irujon cried.
Zoroark’s claws glowed a black colour and he slashed the bars, but they didn’t break. He grunted and charged at them, but that did nothing. He then focused his energy and send large black flames outwards, a Dark Pulse, but that didn’t even make the cage budge.

“What is this?” Irujon asked.
“Unbreakable. This metal is extremely rare and nobody knows where it comes from, but we still find it. We call it Arceum because it is unbreakable and also serves another function.”

Zoroark seemed to be straining himself, he was concentrating but nothing was happening. Youkai continued.
“Zoroark cannot change shape in it.”
He laughed manically, Irujon ordered Zorua to attack him, but before he could even get ready, Youkai pressed a button and a hatch in the ground opened, making Irujon and Zorua fall through it to their deaths.

“Goodbye, Agent! Enjoy your fall!” Youkai then flew off on the carrier, still laughing.

The last thing Irujon heard before losing conscience was Zoroark calling to him.
“ZOROOOOOOOOOO”
 
Last edited:

LunarWing

F-ficwriter+S-hunter
I'm going to read it in it's entirety after this, but I see something you might want to know:


There are many professions in the Pokémon World; Trainers, Breeders, Rangers, Coordinators, Breeders, the list goes on.
Could happen to everyone, I happen to see myself make that "mistake" all too often..
 

Evanarios

...yep
This is a formatting tip, I would recommend spacing the story more. When its all clumped together it's kind of hard to read and annoying. Most of the time you should start a new paragraph when there is dialogue, or of course a new idea.

Good ay!

~Evanarios
 

Mew-100

Future Scriptwriter!
Ah, noted. I will edit it, thanks.

EDIT: Okay, I've tried paragraphing it. Do you think it looks any better?
 
Last edited:

Manchee

extra toasty
This is interesting... definitely did not expect to see a Fic including Generation V Pokés yet.

I'm just going to jump right into a review, starting with grammar mistakes, then what I thought of this.

There are many professions in the Pokémon World; Trainers, Breeders, Rangers, Coordinators... the list goes on and on.

I think it sounds better like that, almost like it's being trailed off and such.

Also known as the master of disguise for the Agency, he can pretty much sneak into anywhere and fool whoever’s there by being disguised as someone they know or are affiliated with; Zorua and Zoroark will also will also Illusionise in a similar situation.

Corrections in bold. The first few are mainly so it easily flows and isn't as choppy, but the one I changed from "afflicted" to "affiliated" was the main reason for me quoting this; afflicted is to hurt someone, while affiliated is to be in cahoots with ^^

I also wanted to say that "Illusionise" is a very... iffy term. It sounds like it was sloppily thrown together and kind of disrupts the sentence in my opinion.

“Is the subject in place?” One man, wearing a green-and-white head bandanna and other clothes including a jacket, leather trousers, and shoes of the same colours asked.

When saying something is "red-and-blue," or "black-and-purple" you use hypens, not capital letters ;3

Yes, the subject is in place. Shall we alert the boss?” Another answered. He was wearing the same clothes, probably a uniform. “The two of us will go together, remain at your post.” He finished, referring to yet another person dressed in the same clothes.

Not too much wrong here, though you have him say "Shall we alert the boss?" but no one answers this question; you should fix that ;P Either get rid of the question or put a line in for someone to reply to it.

They walked into another room through a door that opened as they approached it. Their footsteps were making clanging sounds against the metallic floor. The sounds of the engine could be clearly heard as they walked. Inside the room was a cage with a small grey Pokémon curled up inside. It looked terrified.

Minor fixes. I also think this little bit was a tad bland. They sort of just jumped form bring in what I assume is a control room or such to being in a different room with Zorua. The line or so in between wasn't enough to fully describe how they got there. You could describe the setting a little more (even if it is just a hallway), maybe their emotions, etc.

“Don’t worry, Zorua, it’s us.” One of the men said. Zorua then stood up, smiling. One of the men opened the cage and took the small Pokémon out. The opening of the cage triggered an alarm.

My problem with this is the fact that Zorua was completely terrified when they entered, but once they just said "It's us," it lost that feeling altogether. I know the man is Zorua's trainer, but I think you should throw in a line saying "Zorua glanced over the man, not realizing at first that he (or she, not sure what genders you gave the Pokémon) was staring at a very familiar person in disguise."

He removed his uniform, revealing his true self. He was wearing shiny black shoes, casual grey jeans with two PokéBalls attached to them, and was wearing a casual grey jacket. Keeping the theme was a grey body bag strapped over his shoulder, the bag being at his waist. He had spiky black hair and a little white and blue device attached to his ear.

I changed "real" to "true" because it flowed better; having "real" right after "revealing" bother me :3 I also split the two sentences because it sounded run on-ish. The 'b' in "black" should also not have been capitalized.

He has stood on his hind legs, had black fur ending with black spiky fur ending in a pony tail held by a ruby hairband. This was Zoroark, and the other man seemed to be his trainer.

The first two bolded things need to be omitted (the "has" and "fur ending in a"). The other three things just didn't need to be capitalized.

“My name is Irujon, one of the best agents of the Koukon Karasu Branch of Hoenn! Prepare to be defeated!” he said, holding out his arm. “Zoroark, Shadow Ball! Zorua, Tackle!”
The two Pokémon stood side by side, Zoroark starting to form a purple and black sphere with his hands while Zorua stood back to charge. Just as Zoroark shot the Shadow Ball from his hands, Zorua started running at the men. They tried to run away but it was too late. They were either hit by the Shadow Ball or hit by Zorua.

Anything in bold should be obvious as to why it was wrong since they're all similar to what I've already said. Just omit that last comma in bold.

One or two of them were dead, the others were just unconscious.

Er... I think they should all be unconscious. A Shadow Ball shouldn't kill someone, much less a Tackle :x

“Bravo, Irujon. Bravo.” He said, applauding the agent.

Should not be capitalized.

Zoroark’s claws glowed a black colour and he slashed the bars, but they didn’t break. He grunted and charged at them, but that did nothing. He then focused his energy and sent large black flames outwards, a Dark Pulse, but that didn’t even make the cage budge.

Zoroark seemed to be straining himself, he was concentrating but nothing was happening. Youkai continued.

Omit the bolded things.

He laughed manically. Irujon ordered Zorua to attack him, but before he could even get ready, Youkai pressed a button and a hatch in the ground opened, making Irujon and Zorua fall through it to their deaths.

One last change from a comma to a period.

[this next part is the changes in your spacing that I think make it look better and such]

Our story follows one of the best Agents in the Koukon Karasu branch, Irujon, known for his brilliant Mission Successes with his partners Zoroark and Zorua. Also known as master of disguise of the Agency, he can pretty much sneak into anywhere and fool whoever’s there disguised as someone they know or are afflicted with, Zorua and Zoroark will also Illusionise in a similar situation. [the sentence after this little blurb should be moved up to this paragraph - it fits better] Illusionising is Irujon’s term for when Zorua and Zoroark change shape. When they do this, they glow a strong pink colour and their bodies change shape.
[this is where the two paragraphs should break from each other]
Different Agency Branches specialise in certain Regions. Irujon’s branch, the Koukon Karasu Branch specialise in the Hoenn Region and surrounding areas. They have all sorts of transport for quick access around the region, but mostly, when a job is nearby, Agents will self-willingly walk.

In the next part, just a simple [] will signify to break the lines/paragraphs. I'll let you know otherwise if needed ;)

“Is the subject in place?” One man, wearing a Green and White Head Bandanna and other clothes including a jacket, leather trousers and shoes of the same colours asked.
[]
“The subject is in place. Shall we alert the boss?” Another answered; he was wearing the same clothes, probably a uniform. “The two of us will go together, remain at your post.” He finished, referring to yet another person dressed in the same clothes.
[]
“Sir, yes sir,” The first man saluted and let the two other men walk past him.

They walked into another room through a door that opened as they approached it. Their footsteps were making clanging sounds against the metallic floor and the sounds of the engine could be clearly heard. Inside the room was a cage with a small grey Pokémon curled up inside. It looked terrified.
[]
“Don’t worry, Zorua, it’s us.” One of the men said. [bring the sentence up here since it fits with the line where the man is talking to it]Zorua then stood up, smiling. One of the men opened the cage and took the small Pokémon out. The opening of the cage triggered an alarm.

A few men were already at the door, making comments about the two men with the captured Pokémon.
[]
“People, people, please calm down. We’re just here to take my partner back!”

He removed his uniform, revealing his real self. He was wearing shiny black shoes, casual grey jeans with two PokéBalls attached to them and was wearing a casual grey jacket, keeping the theme was a grey body bag strapped over his shoulder, the bag being at his waist. He had spiky Black hair and a little white and blue device attached to his ear.

“Zoroark! Re-Illusionise!” He called, pointing towards the men at the door. [bring this up here] Suddenly, the man next to the person who gave him the command gave a brilliant pink glow and transformed into a much bigger looking form of the little Zorua.

He has stood on his hind legs, had black fur ending with black spiky fur ending in a pony tail held by a Ruby Hairband. This was Zoroark, and the other man seemed to be his Trainer.

“My name is Irujon, one of the best Agents of the Koukon Karasu Branch of Hoenn! Prepare to be defeated!” He said, holding out his arm. “Zoroark, Shadow Ball! Zorua, Tackle!”
[]
The two Pokémon stood side by side, Zoroark started to form a purple and black sphere with his hands. Zorua stood back to charge. Just as Zoroark shot the Shadow Ball from his hands, Zorua started running at the men. They tried to run away but it was too late. They were either hit by the Shadow Ball or hit by Zorua.

One or two of them were dead, the others were just unconscious. A taller man with a walking stick moved into the room and locked the door behind him. He was wearing the same uniform as the men, except he had a robe instead of a jacket and the colours were the other way around.

“Bravo, Irujon. Bravo.” He said, applauding the Agent. [bring up here] Irujon’s face turned serious. He recognised this person.
[]
“Youkai. Boss of Team Phantasm. What do you want? I’m just here to get Zorua back.”
The boss smirked and clicked his fingers. Faster than you could think, a cage came from the floor and trapped Zoroark.

“Zoroark! Try to get out!” Irujon cried.
[]
Zoroark’s claws glowed a black colour and he slashed the bars, but they didn’t break. He grunted and charged at them, but that did nothing. He then focused his energy and send large black flames outwards, a Dark Pulse, but that didn’t even make the cage budge.

“What is this?” Irujon asked.
[]
“Unbreakable. This metal is extremely rare and nobody knows where it comes from, but we still find it. We call it Arceum because it is unbreakable and also serves another function.”

Zoroark seemed to be straining himself, he was concentrating but nothing was happening. Youkai continued.
[]
“Zoroark cannot change shape in it.”
[]
He laughed manically, Irujon ordered Zorua to attack him, but before he could even get ready, Youkai pressed a button and a hatch in the ground opened, making Irujon and Zorua fall through it to their deaths.

“Goodbye, Agent! Enjoy your fall!” Youkai then flew off on the carrier, still laughing.

The last thing Irujon heard before losing conscience was Zoroark calling to him.
“ZOROOOOOOOOOO”

Okay... honestly, this isn't the worst thing ever, and is kind or decent for a first run through. Your dialogue is very bland, and Youkai sounds like a cliché villain when he talks. So work on that ^^ You also have problems with some tenses, but they weren't overly bad. And the random capitalization was a little over the limit though :/ I'm not sure that I'll be reading this much farther, but only because I'm still bust with school and stuff. Work on your grammar, or at least look for a beta, because I think with the grammar fixed as well as the spacing you can be somewhat successful with this story. Try to lengthen your chapters too, because that sometimes adds to the quality of your work.


BA~
 
Last edited:

Timetraveler:Pikachu

Servant of Time.....
Good idea and not to shabby of a story but I think you should keep this on your computer for now. When the actual games come out and people actually learn about the Pokemon this fic is going to look just silly. Anyways onto the reviw.
The idea is really good but I think you should prefect your writing with the details of the people and the place. Make it real, let us be able to hear footsteps echoing in an empty room. Lets us know what a character, even a minor one, is thinking as something happens.
Also I believe that you should try to make your future chapters a bit longer. Let there be a good amount of text for us to read for a while and get us thinking about whats happening and what could happen.

Just to recap: Great idea, work needs improvement, DON'T GIVE UP!
 
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