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Pokémon Ranger: Renegade

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by TheWaywardDelibird, Dec 23, 2013.

  1. Pokémon Ranger: Renegade

    Credit to epicjirachifan from The Comet

    Good evening, readers! I'm DMC, a user on this website. This is my first Fan-Fic n here (I don't count my other "Dreams of Hope" that you might've seen.) Let's get into it!

    This is a Pokémon Ranger based story, including a character from the actual Ranger game series. It is set in my own original region (I might try to provide a map from you all :)) I must warn you that this will involve, later in the story, the concept of religion and religious cults. OF course, these religions are Pokémon religions, such as worshipping Arceus or the Sinnoh trio, etc.

    Without further ado....

    Part One
    Chapter One: River
    Chapter Two: Caligo(COMING SOON)
    Chapter Three: TBD
    Chapter Four: TBD
    Chapter Five: TBD
    Chapter Six: TBD

    Part One: TBA
    Part Two: TBA

    Part Two, Intermission Two, Part Three, and Part Four Coming Soon.....​

    Welcome to the Aro region, a newly discovered area of the Pokémon world. Aro is known for its bountiful resorts and small, laid back towns. With a good balance of mountainous regions, serene forests, and sandy beaches, the Aro openinsula makes a wonderful place for young vacationers and old retirees alike.

    Alas, Aro is not a perfect place. As always, Aro is troubled by the acts of people and Pokémon the same. With a ripe population of Pokémon and people, a small disturbance is not a surprise. That’s why Aro adopted the Pokémon Ranger system. Our Rangers make sure Aro stays the way it should, and keep it pretty for you!

    Chapter One



    It was getting away. I couldn’t let it. I needed it to collect the Noibat out of the lodge attic. It was my duty as a Ranger to protect and defend people, nature, and Pokémon from, well, people, nature, and Pokémon. Whether it be a forest fire, a poacher, or an incident with a Larvitar and disappearing mountains, it’s my duty to bring an end to it.

    Now there I was, on the back of a Dodrio, futilely chasing a Noivern along the side of a creek-carved crevice, and it was gaining ground. My body began to lose energy, the will to continue. This chase had been going on for almost an hour now; I originally intended a quick capture, but falling pebbles frightened the Noivern. Physical training in the Academy gave me a larger persistence but not infinite.

    The girl didn’t help either. I knew she was there; she wasn’t making much of an attempt at hiding herself. My time at the Ranger Academy taught me to notice everything: the brush rustling as she moved, the Pokémon fleeing, the curse words she mumbled as Pokémon cried in anger and ran.

    I ignored her. “Piers!” I called to my faithful partner, a Vaporeon. “Circle around!”

    Piers, who had been previously striding along side me, bound in a wide arc and leaped across the narrow canyon, using his strong hind legs to push himself across and onto the ground on the other side.

    I swung my left wrist in a wide arc. My Fine Styler slid into ready position, and a Capture Disk appeared at the end. “CAPTURE-“ I began.

    “Woah!” a nearby voice exclaimed. “Wicked cool!”

    I jumped, and the Capture Disk fell from its position and clattered onto the ground. Piers stopped running, and turned back towards me. The darned Noivern paid no attention whatsoever, and flew away toward the mountains. I fell from atop the Dodrio, landing on my bottom. The great three-headed bird fled, running for the hills.

    “So what are you, some kind of poacher or something?” the person, who I realized was the girl who was watching me, asked. She was just a bit taller than me, with long, brownish red hair. She wore a white turtle-neck shirt with sleeves just a bit too long, a grey wool jacket, and blue denim jeans with holes in them. Her eyes were a dark blue.

    “For your information,” I said matter-of-factly, “I’m a Ranger.”

    “Oh, one of those nerds.” She rolled her eyes and smirked.

    “What are you doing?” I asked to change the subject. “This is Ranger business, and I can turn you in for interfering.”

    “Can you, now?” she replied.

    I huffed. “Well, no. But that doesn’t make it right for you to be snooping!”

    “Well fine, Ranger Boy.” She held her hands in the air as if she was defeated, and pivoted 360 degrees until her back was to me. “What are you waiting on? Gonna arrest me?”

    “I can’t,” I explained. “I’m not Officer Jenny. I can only detain poachers or others accused of crimes against nature. Not impertinent people who intrude on my business.”

    “In that case-“ And she took off running into the forest. I was about to turn away to chase after the Noivern when something caught my eye. It was shiny and round at the end, with a long chain. It was necklace – a locket maybe. There was only one person who it could belong to.

    “Wait!” I shouted in the general direction of where she had run. “Please, wait!” I took off down the slight slope and into the woods. Piers was close behind me. I was careful about not tripping on tree roots or rocks. It was obvious that she was not; there were strands of cloth across the ground and strewn in the bushes from where she had got caught.

    I caught up with her quickly. As I suspected, she was lying across the ground, her foot caught in a root, and her hair tangled across her head. Her bag strap was dangling off a fallen log nearby. I noticed her chest heaving, as if she was sobbing.

    “Are you okay?” I asked worriedly.

    Her answer was muffled by the plant life across the ground.

    I held out my hand. “Let me help you up.”

    She reached out and grabbed myhand , allowing me to heave her up off the ground. I grabbed her bag for her.

    “You Rangers and your chivalry,” she huffed as she wiped away her tears. “Always helping the ‘regulars.’”

    “And that’s a problem why?” I inquired. “Oh, and here’s your necklace.”

    “Thank you,” She said, scooping up the locket. “Well, Mr. Chivalry, would you be so kind as to walking me back into town? I’d be ever so grateful.” The sense of mockery was evident.

    “Only because I am a Ranger,” I shot back quickly.

    Together, we trekked through the thick undergrowth, often ducking to avoid low-lying branches. She started making funny - and wry - comments about me, herself, and her clumsiness. Soon, we were both giddy and laughing.

    "I was wondering," I said between bouts of laughter, "Why were you crying back then?"

    She stopped both laughing and walking. She shook her head, then said, "Its nothing. I just got distracted, and tripped."

    "Distracted by what?"

    The girl didn't respond. I decided to leave it only. She remained silent the rest of the way. I decided that I'd do the same.

    After the long hike, we were finally safe on the streets of Holloway Town. Holloway Town was actually a larger town, with a great big lodge resort on the far west end. With one of the only lodges in Aro, Holloway quickly became a place of upper-class people. Many retirees from all across the world live in the small neighborhoods that line the main street, that leads to the lodge. The streets are all cobblestone, and all the buildings have a green roof, giving Holloway a uniformity that most other towns don’t have.

    “I can take it from here, Ranger Boy,” she said. Her eyes were red from tears that she had shed. “My name’s River, if you ever need me.”

    I nodded. She stood there, staring at me, as if she was expecting something. “And you?”

    “I’m Lunick,” I responded. “I came her from the Fiore region on a ranger assignment. This is my assigned post.”

    River smiled. "I prefer 'Ranger Boy'."

    I chuckled, and then went to say goodbye, but she was gone.


    PLEASE NOTE: This chapter is much, much shorter than a normal one. I get that. There isn't much description. I get that too. Trust me, the chapters will get longer and more descriptive; this was more of an introduction. Just to show you the characters and setting, give you a feel for how they are going to interact. Almost like a Prologue, but not really one.
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2014
  2. JX Valentine

    JX Valentine Ever-Discordant

    So I’m going to skip over the italicized introduction bit because I’m going to assume that it’s not part of the story proper. Those are concepts that will probably be vital to your story, yes, but if they really were, then they’d be brought up and explained in-depth from the first chapter onwards.

    (That and there were errors in grammar sprinkled throughout it, and I’d rather spend time pointing out any of the little bits of things that are absolutely and clearly intended to be your story.)

    With that in mind …!

    Starts off interesting, almost in medias res. You draw us in with the promise of a chase, and what’s particularly interesting about this angle is the fact that while it’s not that unusual to start a fic with a chase scene, you give us the perspective of the pursuer. Sure, the pursuer is the good guy in this case, but it’s still a different flavor. Instead of fear, you have focus, discipline, and dedication.

    As a note, though, there’re a couple of fixes that this paragraph could use. First, be careful with the spacing; you have an extra space between the last sentence in this excerpt and the one before it.

    Also, you probably typo’d the last phrase, but it’s “bring an end,” not “bring and end.”

    This is also a bit on the wordy side. You might need to split this up into multiple sentences. (There’s a clear opportunity right at the the join between the two independent thoughts—in other words, right before “it was gaining ground”—but you could probably also get away with making a break at “getting farther and farther.” The latter option will require a slight rephrase to add a subject, of course, but it’s do-able.

    I would highly, highly recommend reading your work aloud (or simply reading a bit more carefully) to help you fix up bumps here and there. The method works by slowing you down and allowing you to either hear or feel your words as you’ve written them, rather than as you’ve intended on writing them. That way, you can pick up on things such as awkward structure or, in your case, missing words.

    (This isn’t the only time when you’re missing a word. I’ll point out a couple of others.)

    No need for the comma here. You might be able to work with a dash if you’re still looking for a pause, though.

    Here’s another example of a missing word.

    *headtilt* Nitpick, but how big of a canyon are we talking about here? Because as awesome as Pokémon are, I’m not so sure about canyon jumping unless that was a narrow canyon.

    Remove one of the spaces just before “came” and leave it without a capital letter. The reason why is because this is a dialogue tag, a phrase that doesn’t stand on its own as a complete thought but rather describes how something is being said.

    I would also recommend rephrasing this as “a voice exclaimed,” just because “came a voice” tends to be awkward as a dialogue tag. The phrase “came a voice” basically refers more to the voice, rather than describe how the quote it’s associated with is spoken.

    Drop the comma. Here’s a trick. Whenever you write a comma and a conjunction (and, but, or, nor, for, yet, so), replace them with a period instead. If you end up with two complete sentences as a result, then it’s okay to use the comma in the middle because you’re forming a compound. If you end up with one sentence and one incomplete one, then chances are good that you don’t need a comma.

    Same idea here.

    Actually, this brings up an interesting thought. Noivern doesn’t really do anything. The main character is a Ranger, who states that his goal is to protect people, Pokémon, nature, and so forth. However, despite the fact that Piers is distracted, we don’t see Noivern, the apparent source of some kind of disturbance, fight back. We don’t see why Lunick is chasing after Noivern; it’s just pretty much a means to get Lunick to meet this other character.

    Sure, maybe it’s not as important to the story, but it’s a little awkward because everything in a story should have a purpose, especially if something is your introduction to this world. Noivern was our chance to understand what being a Ranger is all about (to get a better glance at who Lunick is right away), but it literally just flies away once it takes Lunick to where he meets this girl. So that leaves us to wonder why Lunick was chasing after it in the first place.

    In other words, the danger here is that it looks as if Lunick is a danger to Noivern, rather than the other way around.

    If you dropped the “like crazy,” this might be a bit tighter in terms of prose.

    Curiosity speaking, but why are you capitalizing every occupation name? I can understand it for Ranger because that’s actually associated with a canon occupation—one that’s capitalized in the games, anyway. But “poacher” isn’t capitalized in canon material. So it’d be like capitalizing “teacher” or “doctor” or “garbage man.”

    Couple o’ grammar and logic notes.

    Comma between “long” and “brownish” to separate adjectives. (If you can insert the word “and” between adjectives and still have the phrase make sense, then you’ll need a comma.) Also, yep, “brownish” doesn’t use a hyphen.

    Also, right at this point, Lunick has only just now met this girl. Sure, he’s telling this story in the present (what with all the present tense), but when he’s telling the story, he’s conveying all of his thoughts at that moment. The problem with this excerpt, then, is the fact that he has no idea whether or not this girl’s hair is always in her way. This is his first glimpse of her, after all, so he can’t tell what she normally looks like beyond this exact moment.

    Come to think of it, the description of her in general seems a bit lengthy and impersonal. It sounds like a list of details, rather than an observation made by a person. This is an especially important concept when it comes to stories told in the first person. The reason why I say this is because you’re trying to capture the mindset of a character right at that moment via their own memories, so you have to be in their heads at all times. People don’t often notice everything about another person at first glance. You don’t really look at someone and take a careful inventory of what they’re wearing. Or, rather, you might, but it might not register to you as important to focus on when you think back on something you’ve been through.

    So in short, try to train yourself to capture only what a character would immediately notice and deem important to think about. It definitely makes your characters more real while allowing your readers to fill in the details about a character’s appearance themselves.

    Because this dialogue tag interrupts a sentence (The full thought here is “For your information, I’m a Ranger,” not “For your information. I’m a ranger.”), you’ll actually want to put a comma at the end of “matter-of-factly.” Also take out one of the spaces right after that new comma.

    (Also, yes, “matter-of-factly” only has two hyphens in it. If it helps, enable your spell check as you type feature. As strange as this might sound, it’ll show you whether or not you’ve used too many hyphens by underlining each instance of over-hyphenation with red squiggles.)

    You only need one space between a quote and its dialogue tag.

    Also, don’t capitalize dialogue tags if they occur after a quote. For more detailed dialogue punctuation and capitalization rules, you can check out this guide.

    If she’s using “Ranger boy” as a nickname, you can capitalize both words.

    There’s the comma thing again (in that you don’t need one in this sentence), but more than that, let’s talk about the bit after “360 degrees.” First, you’ll want to be careful during the proofreading process. “Were” is a verb; “where” is a preposition referring to place. Second, besides that, it might be a little less awkward to say “until her back was facing me.” The reason why I say this is because she’s technically standing in one place, so spinning in place would require more of a time word than a destination, if that makes sense.

    All of these commas are actually not necessary.

    Be careful. Too means “many” or “very”; to, with one O, is a preposition, a word that attaches phrases or nouns to other phrases or nouns.

    Also, switch out the ellipsis for a period at the end. You really should use ellipses only sparingly in narration; when you have a more definite end to a thought, like you do here, you’ll want a punctuation mark that indicates a more definite end.

    Gotten caught.

    Weird point a lot of people don’t realize: when you put yourself down, you lie. You only lay if someone else sets you down. For the most part, you can’t describe someone’s state and make them the object of the sentence in the process, so what you actually have to do is use lie. (You are lying, in other words. You are not laying.)

    Hopefully, that makes sense!

    You use the word “caught” incredibly frequently throughout this bit. In order to smooth out the prose here, I would recommend varying up the word choice. Use synonyms of “caught” or rephrase your sentences so that you can cut some of these out. Otherwise, this paragraph ends up feeling a little bit repetitive, which causes your prose to feel a little slow and choppy.

    Definitely take your time when proofreading. If it helps, read your work aloud (even as a whisper) in order to feel your writing. This will force you to slow down, and you can hear the way your sentences are structured. In turn, that should help you pick out places where you’ve forgotten a word or moments where you used the wrong word or have written something a little awkwardly.

    A few notes!

    First off, if you’re going to capitalize Ranger earlier in the fic, you might as well capitalize it throughout your work, including here.

    Second, be careful about homophones. “You’re” is a contraction for “you are”; “your” is a possessive pronoun. If it helps, remember that no possessive pronoun contains an apostrophe. If you see an apostrophe with a pronoun, it’s a contraction.

    Finally, here you punctuate dialogue correctly, but you have to follow through with a lowercase letter. Notice that you use a comma here. You don’t capitalize most words (besides proper nouns) after commas.

    Same thing here.

    At the lodge.

    Also, wouldn’t it make more sense for the upperclass (which, yes, is also not hyphenated) to be served by the people at the lodge, rather than to work it themselves? Usually, upperclass people work higher paying jobs than hospitality—things like doctors, lawyers, business people, professors, that kind of thing. Hospitality consists of positions such as maid, waiter, customer service, and basically all of the other kinds of job titles you would associate with people cleaning up and taking care of other people. It’s really not a pretty job.

    This is actually rather redundant because you’re saying the same thing over and over again. A main street would cut straight through town, and usually, a main street is centrally located because it’s important. So!

    Also, the description of the town is rather awkward in general because, well, think of it like this. When you’re telling a story about what you did over the weekend, do you spend chunks of time talking about the economic structure of the places you go to? Probably not—not if it’s unimportant to your story. While it’s possible to talk about a place (especially to give a reader a good idea of what it’s like), you generally want to capture just the most important details of that story. Filtering out the unimportant helps you integrate information a little more seamlessly into your story, which is a fancy way of saying, “A reader will feel like they’re not filing away things they don’t need to know for later, which makes your story sound smoother and gives your reader more memory space to store the important stuff.”

    Definitely, definitely be careful in the proofreading stage.

    Be very careful about the point of view you’re working with. In this case, Lunick is currently working in Holloway, so it’s rather odd that he says it was his assigned post (especially given that he follows up that statement saying he is its Ranger). Also, these two sentences are rather redundant because, if his assigned post is Holloway, then of course he’d be its Ranger. You just need to say it once.

    Also, it’s rather awkward that he’s telling River the name of the town so many times. If he was saying it once, that’d be like saying “oh I’m on New York’s police force,” sure, but if she’s living there and talking with a Ranger who’s working so close to it, then it’s rather a given to her that he’s a Ranger for her town.

    Actually, come to think of it, why is Lunick telling her that he’s a Ranger? That was part of his introduction to her towards the beginning of the chapter. Sure, he could say that he’s associated with the ranger base in Holloway, but given how close he’s working around Holloway, wouldn’t that also be a bit of a given?

    What an odd thing to do.

    And that’s my major crit about this chapter, I think. A lot of River’s actions seem so random and off. Granted, we don’t know how old she is, but given the fact that Lunick spends so much time describing her (even mentioning that she has sparkling, blue eyes), you’ve possibly accidentally set her up to be the love interest. So it’s pretty easy to assume that River is Lunick’s age.

    Regardless of whether or not she is, though, Lunick finds her crying in the woods after having tripped. She may be a crybaby, but the way it’s brought up and then brushed off feels so abrupt. It looks like you’re about to go into some character development, but then you don’t. You just have Lunick and River walk in silence to the town.

    Then she punches his arm and runs off, and all of a sudden, it feels like this entire chapter was on a track.

    What I mean is that events don’t feel like they’re happening at a natural pace. Instead, they feel like you’ve got this set list of points in mind, and you’re setting out to hit each point, rather than slow down and develop each idea as much as possible. This is an introduction chapter, sure, but right now, we don’t really have much of a mental image of who Lunick or River is because you bounce from plot point to plot point so quickly. You don’t let Lunick explain why he’s chasing after Noivern. You don’t explain why River is crying (beyond the fact that she fell down) or why she punched Lunick and ran off after he told her what she already knew. The characters themselves take a backstage to other information, like the details of their town or the way River looks or the explanation of what Rangers are.

    My advice is pretty much to slow down. Rather than focus on plot points, try to see the plot as a kind of cause-and-effect. Because one thing happens, another thing happens. By framing it like that, you’ll focus more on each individual point, which will push you into developing the concepts you bring up enough to make them seem less disjointed, if that makes sense. In other words, if you thought of this plot as being more cause-and-effect, you would have explained why Lunick was chasing Noivern (in specifics, not just “because it was a vague threat”), you would have had Noivern present itself as a threat, and so on and so forth. Most importantly, everything you introduce in a chapter will feel less like it’s just a plot device and more like it’s supposed to be there.

    In short, it’s not too bad for a first (technically second) attempt in that it’s clear that you worked hard on this. You have a knack for rather interesting descriptions, and if you took your time a bit more on the proofreading stages, this would be a very clean read. It’s just that you’ll really want to slow down when it comes to plot and characterization and spend a bit more time developing so that everything feels like it was meant to be there.

    On an unrelated note!

    Oh, hon. You’ve basically described the origins of at least half the OCs in this fandom. No one has a problem, nor would anyone have one unless you did something ridiculous like make them abusive towards their Pokémon (and sometimes, even then, it depends on how you handle it). You can pretty much develop the player characters however you’d like.

    It’s the other canon characters that people might have a problem with, the ones who have set personalities because they’re not your avatar.
  3. Oh. My. Gosh. I apologize. I'll go ahead and reread it and edit everything. I thought I caught everything, but I guess I was just rushing! Thank you so much for your amazing help! And the canyon, I was kinda picturing like in a forest, where there's a creek, and it's carved out slopes into the rocks on either side, so not really a canyon, more like a wide crevice. I'll tweak it.

    Second edit. Whoop, whoop! Would it be possible for me to get someone to beta my chapters before I post them? Is that allowed? It's not that I don't want to, but I really suck at proofreading. I'm passionate about work, and I want it to look good, but I can't really do that myself. I'm not trying to volunteer you for the job though, JX, but as it seems that you are experienced in this field and you can help me with my questions. Thank you so very much, because I would not have noticed this.

    Also, Chapter Two should be up soon. During this week. I need to proofread the first one first, then move on.
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2014
  4. Sorry for the un-announced hiatus. Chapter Two should be up later today or tomorrow. Snow day means vigorous writing! Chapter Two will be on this post.
  5. zen_master_dude

    zen_master_dude Just Zen.

    This story looks like it could be interesting, but:

    This makes kind of no sense. First chapters should always contain the most descriptions and world-building: you need to introduce the readers to your story. There's no reason to put off writing descriptions and characterizations for later: the sooner you do it, the better. If you wanted to write a prologue, just write a prologue.

    JX Valentine already pointed out most of the flaws here. Outside of a couple of logical oversights (a 360 degree is a full circle - for her to face away from Lunick, she would need to do a 180 spin) I feel like, really, description is the biggest gripe here. Like here:

    The descriptions just sort of run along, which doesn't really stick in the reader's head. Now, I've not written in a while, but compare that with this, for example:

    Not only are you mixing it up and not giving the reader a list of information, you're adding a bit of Lunick's POV and thoughts into it. Which is the other thing: first person can be tricky at times, but it also gives you a great advantage to paint the world through the character's eyes, and humanize the descriptions. How does Lunick feel about the fact that he's about the youngest person in this retiree, upper-class town? What do the cobblestone streets remind him of? Does he maybe see a bit of his hometown in there? All of these answers can be woven into your writing.

    As for plot, it felt a bit stale. Kid chases a Noivern, finds a girl, she cries for a bit but then she's fine(?), they laugh and part ways. Not saying that you won't elaborate further, but the pacing of the story seems rushed. You did say that it was only the first chapter, but why not make it an actual chapter?

    I hope you don't feel like I'm discouraging you. You have a knack for dialogue and that flows pretty smoothly. If you just worked on your descriptions and actually setting up this new region, you'll be writing a great fic in no time.
  6. Thank you! I'm glad that there are some people reading this and giving me reviews. And I know I've said this a million times, but Chapter Two will be up soon and in this post now.

    Last edited: Feb 13, 2014

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