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Pokémon: Sanguine Version

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by tm27crobat, Jan 18, 2016.

  1. tm27crobat

    tm27crobat Cave Dweller

    Pokémon: Sanguine Version

    Hello, all! This is my first Pokémon fan fic, and is set in an entirely new region (Senso) that I have been cooking up and designing in my free time for quite a while! This story will have old and new Pokémon, and will probably follow the basic structure of the games. Also! It will have sprites as I make them for characters, Pokémon, and possibly items. I really hope you enjoy!


    TOWN MAP OF SENSO REGION
    [​IMG]

    Here it is with towns and one other important location numbered:
    [​IMG]
    1: Cradle Town
    2: Valleyville
    3: Verdant City
    4: Murk Town
    5: Capital City
    6: Commercial City
    7: Enclave Island
    8: Ashfall Town
    9: Beryl Bay
    10: Private Town
    11: Copper Town
    12: Cemetery
    13: Low Town
    14: Camp Carnation
    15: Beacon Town
    16: Glory Summit

    And here it is with all non-town important locations labeled:
    [​IMG]
    A: Verdant Cave
    B: Mine Tunnel
    C: Bug Zone
    D: Mt. Kasai
    E: Safari Zone
    F: Beryl Cave
    G: Mine Tunnel
    H: Copper Forest
    I: Cemetery
    J: Pokémon Lab
    K: Resistance Camp
    L: Lighthouse
    M: Victory Road

    P.S. bobandbill gave me permission to include sprites in the titles of my chapters
     
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2016
  2. tm27crobat

    tm27crobat Cave Dweller

    [​IMG]
    Prologue


    Hello, and welcome to the world of POKéMON!
    My name is HICKORY.
    Everyone around here calls me the POKéMON PROFESSOR.
    [SNUGUP appears]
    This is what we call a “POKéMON.”
    This world is widely inhabited by such creatures.
    For some people, POKéMON are pets. Others use them for friendly battling…
    But there are some out there who use POKéMON to commit acts of great evil.
    I hope you are not too young to understand.
    These days, in my old age, I mostly just study these fascinating beings.
    But in my youth, I was part of a great movement that—
    Oh! Look at me, rambling again.
    Please forgive an old fool!
    Why don’t you tell me a bit about yourself?
    I am blind… Are you a boy or a girl?
    >GIRL
    What is your name?
    >ELIZABETH
    Oh my! My little neighbor ELIZABETH! You must have grown so much since we last saw one another!
    ELIZABETH, please stop by my laboratory to see me soon.
    Your very own POKéMON legend is about to unfold!
    Let’s go!
     
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2016
  3. tm27crobat

    tm27crobat Cave Dweller

    [​IMG][​IMG]
    Chapter One

    The sound of an alarm clock woke Elizabeth in the most delightful way. She jolted out of bed, hit the thing to get it to stop making noise, and burst from her room in a bubble of excitement. As she bounded quickly down the stairs, she had only one thing on her mind. Trainer’s license.

    “Moooooooom!” she called as her bare feet hit the cold ground floor of her and her mother’s cramped home. “Did it come today?”

    “Yes, Elizabeth, it came today,” her mother responded from out of sight, in a slightly irritated tone. “But I was really hoping you’d be calmer than this today…”

    “How can I be calm when my whole life is different?” Elizabeth asked, with a smile that consumed her face and matched the spring in her step as she practically bounced to the kitchen where her mother stood, holding a small package.

    Elizabeth was exactly fourteen years and seven days old; she’d taken her test the day she turned fourteen, the minimum age for a licensed trainer in the Senso Region, and had been anxiously awaiting her license in the mail for a full week, exactly the guaranteed delivery time. In all of her five thousand, one hundred twenty days of life, she had never, ever been as excited as she was right now. She snatched the package from her mother with widened eyes and tore it open as quickly as possible with her bare hands.

    Then she saw it. Gleaming in the light, freshly laminated… it was beautiful.

    “Akiyama, Elizabeth,” she read aloud, not noticing her mother’s sigh. “Age: fourteen. Hair: brown. Eyes: green. Height: five feet and seven inches. Weight: one hundred twenty-four pounds. This hereby certifies that Elizabeth Akiyama is an official Pokémon trainer.” This reading, inevitably, was followed by a long, loud, “Eeeeeeeeeeep!”

    Mrs. Akiyama’s look of annoyance slowly melted and was replaced with a soft smile.

    “Your dad would be proud of you, Liz.”

    Elizabeth almost felt a tear welling up, but she brushed it off. “Yeah,” she said, “he probably would.” She started going back upstairs, calling back, “Thanks, Mom. I’m going to go get ready.”

    She couldn’t believe it. She’d waited a lifetime for this… Calendars stretching back into her childhood with a “days until fourteenth birthday” number assigned every day, every day for years. And here it was, in her hand. She cried after all.

    After getting dressed and grabbing her blue bag, which now carried her new trainer's license, she came back to the kitchen, where her mother was making breakfast for two: a cup of oatmeal apiece, plus a plate pancakes for Elizabeth, including an extra small pancake with Chef Akiyama’s trademark smile done into it, part of a ritual from years ago that she guessed her mother clung to after her dad died.

    “Professor Hickory called today,” Mrs. Akiyama said. “He asked if you were getting your license in the mail today, since you’d turned fourteen and seven days old.”

    “Huh,” Elizabeth said, having downed her pancakes in possibly record time and now sloppily shoveling oatmeal into her mouth. She pondered a moment, and then with a mouthful of oats, replied, “I haven’t seen Hickory since I was like seven.” When Dad died.

    “I know,” her mother said. “I’m not sure why, but he says he wants you to stop by the lab and see him today, if you’re not too busy.”

    “Oh yeah, Mom,” Elizabeth snarked, “I’m sooo busy.” She gave a smile and continued eating. “Anyway, why should I go by that dusty old place… Waiting until I’m older to talk to me again, Hickory kinda sounds like a creep.”

    Her mother looked at her with an offended expression and said in a serious tone, “Professor Hickory is not a creep. And stop talking with your mouth full. It is unladylike.”

    Elizabeth stuck out her tongue. “I don’t care about being ladylike.”

    “Well, then,” her mother said, “it’s just plain disgusting. I swear…” She trailed off as she snatched her daughter’s dishes and began to wash them. “Please go see the professor today,” she said without looking.

    “Fine,” Elizabeth said, followed by a sigh. “Thanks for breakfast.” Her mother wouldn’t look away from the sink, and Elizabeth wondered if her voice was drowned out by the sound of the faucet.

    She grabbed her backpack and some essential items from her room, and then was on her way out, but felt disturbed at the fact that her mother seemed completely uninterested in speaking to or even looking at her. She sat in the living room, glued to the TV. She was watching some Pokémon battle tournament, as usual. She’ll like seeing me when she sees me on TV, Elizabeth thought only half sarcastically.

    She went to the door and didn’t even pause this time before walking out; her “I love you” was only a whisper, well on its way to fading completely from her morning routine. As usual, her mother either didn’t notice or didn’t care.



    The weather outside was beautiful. The sky was a bright blue blanket that wrapped all of green little Cradle Town up comfortably and reflected off the ponds that here and there dotted the landscape. The sun was brilliantly beaming and bathed Elizabeth and her town in a pretty sort of glow. The air was light and sweet. This served as a nice change from the stuffiness of the Elizabeth’s crowded house; that said, the town itself was small and cramped, with no more than a dozen total buildings and surrounded almost completely on each side by trees, but it was all the young girl knew.

    As she walked the distantly familiar path to the town Professor’s laboratory, which she may have forgotten were the old building not completely in view, Elizabeth looked around at her neighbors. Her eyes briefly met with a tall, brown-haired boy with thick eyebrows and an ever-annoyed expression; he was a familiar face, as Elizabeth saw him fairly regularly on her routine walks around town, but today she could still feel his eyes on her after hers looked away. She felt uncomfortable and wondered why he was staring at her, and then told herself she was being silly and that of course he must not have been. She looked back to confirm this, but was surprised to see him still staring, now several yards away. She quickened her pace.

    Not many people were outdoors today, and Elizabeth couldn’t understand why. It felt so beautiful out here. She usually saw more people out than this, but even then not many, and they hardly ever spoke to her. Any time she’d spoken to anyone in Cradle Town, they’d always talked to her like a child, acted very uninterested, and ended conversations before Elizabeth may have wanted them to end. That is to say, she felt very ignored. This was one of the major reasons that she couldn’t wait to get her trainer’s license, to go meet new people in new places who might actually be interested in her or what she had to say.

    Plus, she thought it would finally make her feel closer to her father.

    She was coming up on the lab now. It was a smallish building, though a little bigger than her house, that was made of white or whitish bricks that decades ago had probably been put together very neatly. Now, however, the bricks looked askew, varying in color, riddled with cracks, and having uneven and sometimes jutting edges. The windows were dingy and discolored. The sign out front read in faded red block letters, “FANTASTIC LABORATORY OF PROFESSOR HICKORY – FABULOUS POKéMON PROFESSOR,” but nothing about this laboratory looked fantastic, and Elizabeth had doubts that Hickory himself was all that fabulous.

    Expecting an annoying and unnecessary start to her day, Elizabeth opened the front door and walked in.



    “Hello, dear girl,” Professor Hickory said as Elizabeth entered his laboratory. “Shut that door quickly, there’s a war on, you know.”

    Elizabeth remembered this building from her youth in a strange way; visits here, like many aspects of her childhood, ended when her father died so many years ago. But the flickering fluorescent lights, the cracked tile floor, the mounds of paperwork, and the dingy cabinets which all lay just inside the cramped, off-white laboratory of the Pokémon Professor stirred something in her. She could feel her father’s presence here.

    One of Hickory’s aides, an unfamiliar young man with thick glasses and an uncomfortable posture, locked the door behind Elizabeth as she approached the old man. It only occurred now to Elizabeth that the professor needed aides because of his blindness; she’d always wondered as a child how he got so much writing done, and how he could keep track of all those papers arranged in his filing cabinets.

    “Hello, Professor,” she said. “My mother said you wanted to speak to me?”

    As she spoke, she looked him over; she’d always had a memory of his appearance, but she was sure he was taller than this. He was probably no more than five feet tall, with an upward shoot of wild white hair, a deeply wrinkled face, a hunch, and a stiff posture that made him appear to need his joints oiled. His white lab coat was dirty and much, much too large for his tiny frame, and almost touched the floor. He seemed to put every ounce of his weight on his cane, which worryingly gave a bit near the bottom so that it bent, seeming ready to break under the weight of this little man at any moment.

    “Yes, I did,” Hickory said with a slight, dry smile. “I do. I have a favor to ask you. You don’t have to accept, for it is a large favor.” He let out a long sigh, and his smile faded. “Do you know about what’s been happening in Senso? I know your father wanted to keep you protected for as long as he could.”

    “I know a little,” Elizabeth lied. Truly, the optimistic part of her had sometimes felt that the whole town was conspiring against her, keeping everything from her for some reason, rather than just not caring about her. Those suspicions, it seemed, may have been grounded.

    “There is a group which calls itself Team Fate,” the Professor said, “and they have changed the region as we know it in the last couple decades. Your father was a soldier… I was a soldier as well. But that is a story for another time. Your father died very bravely in Capital City… He was saving many others from an attack, dear girl.”

    Elizabeth’s heart stopped for a moment as she digested the news. She knew her father was dead, of course, but her mother would never tell her why, and she’d never even asked anyone else, because they never seemed interested or invested enough in her to warrant such a conversation. So Dad was a hero. She felt a strange mix of emotions. There was happiness, or possibly pride, because that was her father, her childhood hero, and maybe it was validating that he was a hero to others, too. But there was also grief as she relived the months after he passed, feeling lost and broken, trying to talk to her mother who only seemed to want to stare out the window or watch television and didn’t even speak to her daughter for hours or days at a time.

    The professor brought her back to reality. “Those involved in Team Fate wish for a new world order with a very complicated set of goals… To complicated, I sometimes think, for even them to understand. But basically, they wish to control our government here and to decide what the laws are. They are a selfish, scared bunch.” That last sentence the old man said absently, as if he’d forgotten he was talking to someone other than himself. This was evidenced by the following blank stare he gave into space for a few seconds.

    “Anyhow, Elizabeth,” he said, “About that favor. Over the years, I have saved Pokémon for you… There were supposed to be more, but as it’s happened, I have only three for you to choose from. But I must be completely honest with you; you are not the only one involved in this, and for that reason, you must choose only one. I decided to wait for you, and to give you first pick, in an act of respect to your father. Before you take one, I must let you know that you will not be a child anymore.”

    “I’m already not,” Elizabeth said, a twinge of anger cutting through her sense of bewilderment. How she hated being talked down to.

    “Very well,” Hickory replied with another dry smile. “You will be a soldier.” He beckoned with his hand, and the uncomfortable aide came to his side with three small, half-red, half-white balls in his hands. “These are Pokéballs,” Hickory explained. “They hold Pokémon. You surely know what Pokémon are, yes?”

    “Yes,” the girl replied, and she did. She’d seen them on television many times, and she saw many large, gray creatures carrying items into a new neighbor’s house once, which her mother vaguely explained to be Pokémon. And of course, she knew her father had been a trainer, which she was now eligible to be herself.

    “Good,” Hickory said, and his slight smile stretched, perhaps in anticipation. “Now. There is a grass type called Alopaca, a water type called Ceflopond, and a fire type called Flamutt. Whichever you choose is up to you, child.”

    Elizabeth’s heart lurched in her chest. This was a big moment. She thought of the sea… She’d seen it on television and in books, and she remembered her father telling her stories about it when she was young… He talked about the way the sunlight reflected on the waves, the might of the boats that tugged along the horizon, and the mystery of the depths below. I know what he would have picked.

    “I’ll take the water one,” she decided. “Ceflopond.”

    “Very well,” Hickory said. “Michael, do give this young lady her Pokémon.” The aide handed her a Pokéball; it felt cool to the touch and was surprisingly heavy. What other surprises will this thing hold?

    “Thank you very much, Professor,” she got out, her mind deep in thought.

    “You are quite welcome, child,” the old man said, shifting his weight on his cane, which more than ever seemed about to break. “Welcome to the Resistance. I have a small favor first to ask of you. I need you to journey to Valleyville, north of here by way of Route 1. At the Pokémart in that town, there will be a package for me. I need you to pick it up and bring it back here… Think of this as your first mission.”

    “Okay, Professor,” Elizabeth said. A mission already? And a trip out of town… For as long as she could remember, she had never set foot outside of Cradle Town. What lay ahead?

    After an awkward and rushed goodbye and a series of thank-yous, Elizabeth was back outside the lab and looking past the houses and toward a gap in the treeline, the path to Route 1. Something awoke in her as she realized what was really happening; this was a dream come true! She was a Pokémon trainer!

    She looked at the Pokéball in her hand and ran her fingers over the cool, round metal of it. She saw what appeared to be a button, braced herself, and pushed it, and from out of the ball came a flash of light and a little creature, maybe a foot tall, with big, sad eyes and a mostly round, pink, and squishy looking body that was almost completely a head. Elizabeth grinned bigger than she’d ever grinned in her life.

    “Hello, Ceflopond,” she said, picking it up and holding it close to her chest. “You and I are going on an adventure.”

    And with that, Elizabeth and her newfound friend walked on toward the tall grass that lay just outside Cradle Town, with a fire raging in the girl’s heart. She was a soldier now, her father’s daughter.
     
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2016
  4. Negrek

    Negrek Lost but Seeking

    Hey, welcome to the forums! Feels like it's been ages since we've seen a proper trainerfic set in a new region. It's a pretty ambitious

    My primary complaint at this point is... there isn't really much here! By the end of the first chapter, we haven't even seen any pokemon, and at this pace it's probably going to be a couple more chapters at least before Liz actually hits the road. The conversation we have in this chapter does give some nice insight into Liz's relationship with her mother, but if this story is like most trainerfics that relationship isn't going to matter much at all--and it could have taken place in absolutely any region! Since you're interested in showing off the region you've designed, I would hope to see a little more of it. What I'm really interested in with a story like this is seeing how things are different in your version of the pokemon world--what makes Senso an interesting place, distinct from all the other regions? Since this opening could start off a story in any number of regions, and indeed is a very common opening that starts off thousands of fanfics, you haven't really given me much of a hook into your unique region or story yet. What does your story have that makes it different than all the hundreds and hundreds of trainerfics out there? That's what I'm really interested in seeing, and I think it's something you want to bring front and center as quickly as possible, rather than going through the same opening people have seen hundreds of times before. If you're going to go through the same old trainerfic opening, I would suggest you at least get it over with as quickly as possible--but not even giving Liz a pokemon by the end of the chapter puts you a little behind the curve, if anything.

    Overall the writing of this opening section is quite solid; it looks like you have a good sense of character, and your mechanics are looking great. Whatever you do have in store for this story, your writing definitely looks strong enough to carry it.

    A couple small nitpicks:

    Whoah, now there is a first name that doesn't match the last. o_o

    When you use a term of address in place of a character's name, it's capitalized. In these cases, you could replace "mom" with Liz's mom's actual name and have it work just as well, so you should be capitalizing it. Thus, "Thanks, Mom" and "Oh yeah, Mom."

    Aside from those little things, it looks pretty good. I just wish there were more of it! I'm definitely interested in seeing where you end up going with this story. Good luck with your writing!
     
  5. tm27crobat

    tm27crobat Cave Dweller

    A lot of this ground will made up very soon, I hope. And I hope it'll be evident soon as well as over time how this story/region is different and is a story worth telling; Pokémon, protagonist, region, mother, and all. But you raise 100% valid points, and I hope that my slow start doesn't hamper interest in my story. I appreciate your input, it's always nice to have a fresh set of eyes.

    Thank you very, very, very much :)

    I fixed those errors in Chapter One; thank you for pointing that out! Also, just thanks so, so much for your thoughtful response, and for your well wishes. I hope this story goes the way I want it to, and I've got real hope. I also think the things you pointed out in your response were by and large things I needed to help. Thank you.
     
  6. tm27crobat

    tm27crobat Cave Dweller

    NOTE: CHAPTER TWO WILL GO UP IN THIS POST WHEN I WRITE IT.

    I rewrote Chapter One of this story and combined the first two chapters in it. Rather than leave my original Chapter Two here, I'm just saving this spot for when I write the real one.
     
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2016
  7. Yagami Kyo

    Yagami Kyo Active Member

    Hi! I came to play the Review Game. I wanted to review your fic since I saw the sprites in the other post. It does give a different vibe at least.

    First thing: I do not enjoy the game format as much, but I must say that the fact that professor Hickory is blind does bring out a reasonable way to decide the gender and name of the characters. Good one there! Starting with the character waking up to get her Pokémon is a cliché. I’m not gonna deny it. But your goal seems to basically do a new game with all the procedures, and I do value that. Showing Hickory’s and Elizabeth sprite at the beginning, however, would solve one problem I have with a certain sentence in your text:

    I understand you introduced this as a way to describe the character. But it would have made more sense to put a photo instead of all this text, including height and weight. If you want to introduce it, you can take the licence describing the photo and something like a certified medical report with height, weight and all of that jazz. It was kinda weird to read. And then again, you do have an sprite describing it, so it is kind of not needed.

    Another thing that stroke me a little was the fact that you repeat something very specific twice:

    The phrasing of the second part of the example could be better. Why would Hickory know how she is exactly eighteen years and seven days old. Furthermore, Elizabeth reminds later that she hasn’t seen him since she was eleven. I mean, that is awfully exact for someone you haven’t seen in so long. That’s more than a third of her life. Something like “I haven’t seen him in years” would have worked better in my opinion.

    Past that, I liked the fact that there is a war over political control in the region. That is interesting. However, I didn’t like how you handled it. Not only is it unbelievable that Elizabeth didn’t leave her town ever, but also the fact that everyone has been keeping her in the shadows. If they have televisions as well, it is once again weird that there have been no mention of anything at all. Basically, unless you provide a better argument, it doesn’t make much sense that Elizabeth is completely in the dark about what’s happening.

    This was odd to read about. I couldn’t pinpoint what exactly, but interrupting such an important conversation about Elizabeth’s father with such a mundane sentence makes little sense. I felt the reaction to knowing about her father’s past was handled too lightly. I’m not asking for angst or anything, but the reactions from Elizabeth are too static. This is a girl that has been living with her mother for eighteen years and seven days knowing nothing of her father’s death. I expected a little more of a reaction.

    Now, character wise, Elizabeth hasn’t given me any reason to actually like her. She’s a tomboy excited for the journey, and the only feeling she has actually shown is either frustration or excitement. She accepts to join the Resistance in no time, not even worrying about the dangers of it. I’d understand this if she was younger, like ten or fourteen. But she’s basically an adult.

    I’d have enjoyed any other interaction with more characters outside of her mother and Hickory. If the whole town is doing some serious conspiracy to keep her in the dark along with the television channels, at least they should be interested in the day she is going to see Hickory and finally get the thing she’s been wanting for years.

    The whole Resistance plot, however, has potential to be interesting. It is good to see that Team Fate has an apparent control of the region, or else a Resistance wouldn’t be necessary. I’d like to see more about the story behind the war, and how Team Fate managed to be that influential.

    Also, being in a new region I’d love more world building. How is the culture different from Kanto? Why do they start at eighteen years old? Do they use Pokémon as an army in the war or do they send trainers with their own Pokémon to battle? Is the trainer journey the same as the other regions, or is there any differences? Is there any religion in there or do they not believe in mythical Pokémon or gods? I may be expecting too much from the introductory chapters, however, but if you want to explore a region you have created you need to tell us more about everything. So that we can appreciate the work you have put in it.

    I hope I didn’t sound too harsh, but a little more characterization would make this much better. Also, are you going to keep doing short chapters? Because I think the first two could have worked better as a single one with a little interlude in her way to the laboratory.

    I hope I was of any help. Keep the good work!Hi! I came to play the Review Game. I wanted to review your fic since I saw the sprites in the other post. It does give a different vibe at least.

    First thing: I do not enjoy the game format as much, but I must say that the fact that professor Hickory is blind does bring out a reasonable way to decide the gender and name of the characters. Good one there! Starting with the character waking up to get her Pokémon is a cliché. I’m not gonna deny it. But your goal seems to basically do a new game with all the procedures, and I do value that. Showing Hickory’s and Elizabeth sprite at the beginning, however, would solve one problem I have with a certain sentence in your text:

    I understand you introduced this as a way to describe the character. But it would have made more sense to put a photo instead of all this text, including height and weight. If you want to introduce it, you can take the licence describing the photo and something like a certified medical report with height, weight and all of that jazz. It was kinda weird to read. And then again, you do have an sprite describing it, so it is kind of not needed.

    Another thing that stroke me a little was the fact that you repeat something very specific twice:

    The phrasing of the second part of the example could be better. Why would Hickory know how she is exactly eighteen years and seven days old. Furthermore, Elizabeth reminds later that she hasn’t seen him since she was eleven. I mean, that is awfully exact for someone you haven’t seen in so long. That’s more than a third of her life. Something like “I haven’t seen him in years” would have worked better in my opinion.

    Past that, I liked the fact that there is a war over political control in the region. That is interesting. However, I didn’t like how you handled it. Not only is it unbelievable that Elizabeth didn’t leave her town ever, but also the fact that everyone has been keeping her in the shadows. If they have televisions as well, it is once again weird that there have been no mention of anything at all. Basically, unless you provide a better argument, it doesn’t make much sense that Elizabeth is completely in the dark about what’s happening.

    This was odd to read about. I couldn’t pinpoint what exactly, but interrupting such an important conversation about Elizabeth’s father with such a mundane sentence makes little sense. I felt the reaction to knowing about her father’s past was handled too lightly. I’m not asking for angst or anything, but the reactions from Elizabeth are too static. This is a girl that has been living with her mother for eighteen years and seven days knowing nothing of her father’s death. I expected a little more of a reaction.

    Now, character wise, Elizabeth hasn’t given me any reason to actually like her. She’s a tomboy excited for the journey, and the only feeling she has actually shown is either frustration or excitement. She accepts to join the Resistance in no time, not even worrying about the dangers of it. I’d understand this if she was younger, like ten or fourteen. But she’s basically an adult.

    I’d have enjoyed any other interaction with more characters outside of her mother and Hickory. If the whole town is doing some serious conspiracy to keep her in the dark along with the television channels, at least they should be interested in the day she is going to see Hickory and finally get the thing she’s been wanting for years.

    The whole Resistance plot, however, has potential to be interesting. It is good to see that Team Fate has an apparent control of the region, or else a Resistance wouldn’t be necessary. I’d like to see more about the story behind the war, and how Team Fate managed to be that influential.

    Also, being in a new region I’d love more world building. How is the culture different from Kanto? Why do they start at eighteen years old? Do they use Pokémon as an army in the war or do they send trainers with their own Pokémon to battle? Is the trainer journey the same as the other regions, or is there any differences? Is there any religion in there or do they not believe in mythical Pokémon or gods? I may be expecting too much from the introductory chapters, however, but if you want to explore a region you have created you need to tell us more about everything. So that we can appreciate the work you have put in it.

    I hope I didn’t sound too harsh, but a little more characterization would make this much better. Also, are you going to keep doing short chapters? Because I think the first two could have worked better as a single one with a little interlude in her way to the laboratory.

    I hope I was of any help. Keep the good work!
     
  8. tm27crobat

    tm27crobat Cave Dweller

    Thanks so much for your review, Yagami Kyo!

    Overall, I'd like to say you're right. These chapters weren't very strong, and right now (taking some of your advice as I go), I'm rewriting them into one chapter. Not enough happened in either one to really constitute its own chapter. I will focus a little more on exposition, to show the reader what Cradle Town is like and hopefully clear up some questions or ambiguity surrounding the hidden nature of things, and how Elizabeth still doesn't know about what's going on in the region around her.

    I'm also going through character revisions, both in story/characteristics and in the sprites. Additionally, I'm working on story revisions, regarding the nature of Senso and possibly changing the age at which someone can become a trainer; it's all got to work out as a coherent, logical, and authentic-feeling world, and I'm afraid I'm not there yet.

    Again, thanks so much for the review! It was quite constructive.
     
  9. tm27crobat

    tm27crobat Cave Dweller

    I have rewritten Chapter One by combining the first two original chapters, adding a little more, and rewriting sections of the original stuff. Hopefully, it is an improvement. Thanks so much again to Negrek and Yagami Kyo for your help! It's very appreciated.

    When I finish Chapter Two, it will go where it originally was. Then, Chapter Three will commence normally. Hopefully this isn't confusing!
     

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