• Hi all. We have had reports of member's signatures being edited to include malicious content. You can rest assured this wasn't done by staff and we can find no indication that the forums themselves have been compromised.

    However, remember to keep your passwords secure. If you use similar logins on multiple sites, people and even bots may be able to access your account.

    We always recommend using unique passwords and enable two-factor authentication if possible. Make sure you are secure.
  • Be sure to join the discussion on our discord at: Discord.gg/serebii
  • If you're still waiting for the e-mail, be sure to check your junk/spam e-mail folders

Pokémon: The Retelling

DANdotW

Previously Iota
Pokémon: The Retelling

Hey guys, it's Iota here. You'll more than likely recognise this if you've read my stuff before, as this is a repost. The last chapter was posted almost a year ago, and the thread died due to writers block and a computer breakdown.

Now, with a new computer and new, fresh idea's with the remakes, I've been able to start again (from where I left off), while tweaking a few lines and descriptions in the old chapters that I wanted to. Hope my old readers will return and I'm looking forward to gaining some new one's.

This is essentially a retelling from a more realistic (as realistic as Pokémon can get without bringing them to our world) take on the Pokémon Anime. There are slight character changes, and many drastic team changes. Enjoy.


~~~~

Chapter 1: Late!

“Nidorino is unable to battle!” a voice from the television set called. Eagerly, Ash forced his attention away from the bag he was packing to the screen. He was watching Battle Coliseum Live, a channel dedicated to showing Pokémon battles to viewers who couldn’t make it.

This was pre-recorded, however, and as such Ash had already seen the outcome of the battle. This did not make it any less interesting however. He pulled the red cap with a white Pokémon League insignia from his head, causing his messy black hair to ruffle slightly before falling back into its unkempt place.

He ran to his wardrobe, his brown eyes, red and puffy from over exhaustion, still staring at the battle on screen. Grabbing two blue t-shirts identical to the one he wore apart from the collars, he jumped into the air as on the television, a huge serpent formed entirely of boulders and rocks was knocked down to the ground, crashing and destroying part of the battlefield they were on.

This is all it took for the woman on the lower floor of the house. Ash instantly heard the footsteps bounding up the staircase, and climbed under his bed covers in anticipation of a scolding. The door slammed open and his mother stormed in.

“Ash Ketchum,” she roared, her mousy brown hair flying as her head bobbed, “why the hell are you still awake!” Her blue eyes darted from Ash’s face, to the unpacked bag, to the pile of t-shirts on the floor, and to the television screen.

“I was packing my bags, and I got a little tired, mom,” Ash told her, his voice carrying a hint of his begging for her to let him watch more of the battle.

Delilah Ketchum was a wonderful person; Ash could not deny that. She helped out her neighbours, kept a beautiful home and garden, and she also owned one of the more famed restaurants in Pallet Town, a building she had named Pallet Gardens.

Despite this, she was a fearsome adversary in domestic arguments, which Ash had been discovering throughout his life. Before he had been conceived, she had been a student of the renowned Professor Oak, and one of his better ones in the Professor’s opinions.

When she and his father had eloped to the Sevii Islands, crazy in love and adoring the sights of each other, the mishap had happened, and nine months later, Ash was born, missing a father. Delilah occasionally spoke of him, telling Ash he had been a failure as a trainer and would have followed suit as a father, but he could still tell she deeply missed him.

He looked into her face, expecting anger, but was shocked to see sorrow in her sombre blue eyes.

“I didn’t mean to snap, Ash,” she apologised, sitting on the edge of his green bed sheets, “I’m just feeling a lot of sorrow at the moment. I’m going to miss having you around, you know.”

“I know mom,” he told her, smiling quickly before he hid his tearful face from hers.

“You shouldn’t be staying up this late if you’re heading off on your own tomorrow,” she reminded him, and when he turned, he saw she had stood back up and was picking the two blue t-shirts up from the floor.

“I can’t sleep,” he admitted, getting out of his bed, still fully dressed, and helping her by collecting some of his underwear from the top drawer of his chest of drawers.

“You’re going to need a lot more than that,” she said, now with her usual sternness back in her voice as she watched him place five pairs of underpants into the green backpack. Her eyes glanced back to the television, before she added, “If you’re going to watch the television, at least watch something educational.”

Grabbing the small black remote control, she changed channels to one of the regions slightly newer channels, Far From the Tree, which showed Professor Oak giving lectures on various Pokémon and things about the journeys trainers took. The same journey Ash would be taking when he woke up the next morning.

“I’ve heard all of this before,” he moaned, dropping his shoulders in an attempt to force her decision.

“And you’ve watched that battle before,” she reminded him, having set it to record for him herself. He agreed with her, but he had spent the last three years with others his age learning the ropes of a Pokémon journey and all of the necessary tips they would need.

Altogether there were four trainers, each of the other three older than him by a few weeks or so. The first was Redford Blair, the son of the local fishing expert, Raymond Blair. He was on Professor Oak’s channel every now and then, doing a special on fishing for Pokémon.

Redford was an obnoxious boy, a month older than Ash. In Professor Oak’s lectures, he had always been the one answering back, or coming up with some smart mouthed comments. Despite this, he and Ash had been as close as you could be with someone who was more interested in making jokes than friends.

The second trainer was Bluebell Periwinkle, the daughter of David Periwinkle, a policeman based in Celadon City. She was always quieter and more mature than both Ash and Redford, and Ash had only spoken to her briefly during the three years they had been learning at the lab.

The third was Gareth Oak, grandson of Professor Oak himself, and a well liked boy in the town. He and Ash had developed a harsh rivalry as young boys. When Gareth was seven, but before Ash had turned the same age, the two went on a fishing trip, being close friends.

The trip turned sour as the boys both hooked the same bite, and refused to let go. Even when the catch had turned out to be an old rusty Pokéball, neither boy would let go, causing the weakened spherical device to snap at the hinge in the centre. Ash had ended up with the red half, while Gareth kept the white half.

They both agreed that they were no longer friends, and had spent the remaining three years competing in whatever area they could. Although Ash usually lost, Gareth was not always the winner.

Thinking of his old friend made Ash agitated, and less able to go to sleep. His mother kissed him on the forehead and told him to make sure he went to sleep at the end of the programme.

“Do you need me to wake you up in the morning?” she asked, her arms crossed over her pink blouse.

“I’ll be fine,” he said, pointing to the Pokéball shaped alarm clock on his bedside table, with an icon indicating the alarm had been set.

“If you’re sure,” she said, turning the light off at the main switch by the door. She closed the door, leaving him alone with the voice of Professor Oak telling his viewers all about the properties of five differently flavoured berries.

Turning the volume down, Ash turned over and closed his eyes, falling asleep within minutes.

***

“A Magikarp?” a voice shouted behind Ash, as he stood in front of Professor Oak holding a Pokéball. On the tiled floor in front of him, a large scaled Pokémon flopped on the floor, wriggling and flailing as it attempted to swim without any water to speak of.

Turning his head slightly, he saw Gareth Oak behind him, holding his stomach as he bent over double, laughing hard. Ash’s face turned read, and he immediately took charge.

“If it’s such a worthless Pokémon, you won’t mind battling me,” he told the boy, taking a strong stance that he had seen one of the region’s top trainers do on BCL one time. Gareth nodded with a sneer on his face, pulling the shrunken version of the Pokéball containing his starter Pokémon and pressing the button in the centre, expanding the device to its normal size.

“Come on out, Dragonite!”

As the boy threw the ball, it opened in midair, as if on hinges. As soon as the ball first began to crack open, a huge ray of blinding white light filled the strangely featureless laboratory and forcing Ash to cover his eyes.

When he felt it was safe to move his arm, he saw he was no longer in the lab, but on a battlefield, with cameras all around him. Feeling nervous and trying to ignore the fact he had just noticed he was wearing pyjamas, he pointed towards Gareth and Dragonite.

“Magikarp, attack Dragonite!”

He stared at Gareth with a confident smile before he heard the crowd laughing. He looked to his left and fell to the floor with embarrassment as he saw Magikarp still flopping on the ground.

“Can’t you do anything?” he asked, looking at the whimpering water-type Pokémon.

“Karp?”

The crowd laughed harder now, and Gareth was walking to him, his chestnut brown hair billowing in wind caused by his Dragonite flying over him, the large orange beast covered in scales much smaller and thicker than Magikarp’s.

“Dragonite, use Hyper Beam on this idiot.”

“Ni.” The Pokémon cried, nodding in agreement. It opened its mouth, and a small ball of brilliant orange energy was forming between the dragon-type’s lips. With enough energy, the Pokémon roared as the fully formed beam came crashing into Ash, piercing his skin and crippling him with pain.

***

“Driii, Oooooooh!”

Ash awoke with a start, still feeling the pain from the Hyper Beam. He looked around for a second, confused at his surroundings. Sighing, he stood up and went to the bathroom, urinating before he climbed into the shower.

As he felt the water flow over him, he felt relaxed, and appreciated the effort the government put into creating and keeping track of the civilisation by using the abilities of Pokémon to aide the life of humans. One example was his shower, which was water from the attacks of water-type Pokémon heated up with the head from fire-type Pokémon attacks.

His lights were powered with the abilities of electric-type Pokémon.

Feeling privileged and clean, he climbed out and dried himself off with a towel that had automatically been laid there by his mother after she had washed.

It took him a few moments to realise that if a fresh towel was out, his mother had already been in the shower and left the house, meaning one of two things. Either she had left the house early to prepare the restaurant, or he had woken up late.

Cursing all technology as he stormed back to his bedroom, Ash checked the time, and found that as expected, he had less than four minutes before the Pokémon were being given away, a twenty minute journey away.

Throwing on his jeans and tripping on the last step of the stairs as he forced a black t-shirt over his head, Ash ran out of the house without his backpack and sprinted as fast as he could in the direction of Professor Oak’s laboratory.

He took no time to notice the intricacies of the buildings on his way, which, similar to his, had been made using Pokémon and had the expertise of only the finest. He had once learned that as a youngster, Professor Oak, who was now entering his sixties, had founded the town himself, using some of his own Pokémon to build the establishments that had been there the longest. He didn’t recall that now, as he raced through the prolonged pathways.

The town only had a population of around a hundred, including the shops and businesses, and yet the town had been built in a large valley, with each building spaced out so much that Ash lived so far and yet so close to the Professor’s lab.

The lab came into view after Ash had been running for nearly ten minutes, and Ash felt relieved that he was making such good time, even though he was still quite late. He heard fireworks and cheers, a clear sign that the trainers who had been given Pokémon were leaving the town to begin their journey.

Thinking of that, he sped up as much as he could, although his legs were now too tired to get him very far.

There was now louder cheering from the lab, which was coming much closer now. Ash guessed the trainers were leaving separately, which meant that by the time he got there, he might still be slightly on time.

Feeling his legs wanting to collapse underneath him, Ash opened the large gates to the Oak Estate and began climbing the stairs built into the large hill the lab sat on. As he climbed, Ash ran into someone and fell backwards.

“Watch were you’re going, loser!” the person shouted at him. Looking up, Ash saw Gareth leering at him, holding a small bag over one shoulder. Wondering why he had so little luggage, Ash stood up with no help from the boy.

“You could have seen me coming as well,” Ash retorted, trying to move around the newly qualified trainer.

“I assumed since I’m better than you, you’d move out of the way.” Ash felt the desire to hit him at the sound of his nasal voice, but thought better of it.

“Just move out of my way,” Ash began, before remembering his dream. He turned to see Gareth trotting down the steps towards the exit, laughing loudly. “Gareth! What Pokémon were you given?” He dreaded any answer that emulated his dream.

“None of your business, idiot!”

Angered and slightly embarrassed, Ash ran the rest of the way to see most of the town’s population leaving the same way he was coming. Trying to barge past the groups of people, he stopped dead as fingers grabbed his left ear and pulled him to the side.

“Why the hell are you so late?”

He looked at his attacker and saw his mother standing above him with a glare he recognised only too well. “I was-”

“You were nothing,” she cut in, pushing him towards the doors of the lab. “You had better improve at taking care of yourself right now, mister. I don’t want my son sent home in a body bag!”

“I’m sorry, mom,” he apologised, forgetting his anger at Gareth for a moment as she distracted him.

“You’re sorry?” she said, staring right into his face once more. “You’ll be sorry when you’re in hospital because you’ve been forgetting to eat or look after your Pokémon!”

He decided to ignore her as she pushed him through the lobby, past a shocked girl with light brown hair. Ash recognised her as Daisy Oak, Gareth’s older sister. She was her grandfather’s assistant now, helping him with his research.

“Hello again, Miss Ketchum,” she said, her voice too quiet for Ash’s mother to hear as she stormed through the rooms, each with white tiles and wooden walls. Ash lifted his hand in as good a waving gesture as he could muster up.

“Ah, Delilah. You found him then?”

Professor Oak was aging, and slightly wizened. His grey eyes were surrounded by wrinkles and his hair had turned a musty grey colour. He chuckled with a wheezy chest and looked at Ash.

“Late as usual,” she said, flustered as she practically threw him towards the wooden desk the Professor sat at.

Another chuckle emerged from the man, who, despite being physically aged, was quite healthy and mentally young.

“Ah, my boy, you’ll learn one day to avoid mistakes,” he told Ash, his voice huskier than it had been the week before, when Ash had received his final lesson with the Professor.

“I doubt he will, Samuel,” Ash’s mother retorted, now sitting on a comfy armchair at the opposite side of the room, watching him intently.

Ash sighed, and nodded to the Professor.

“As you’ve been made aware already, there is some information to sort out before you can get your Pokémon,” Oak told him, sifting through various sheets on his organised desk. Ash noticed the grain on the wood of his desk matched the pattern on the wooden walls. He had never been in the Professor’s office before. “Ah, here we are.”

He pushed a sheet of paper in front of Ash, and began rummaging around in his drawer after he placed a pen next to the sheet.

“If you could just fill that out, while I grab a few things from my drawer.”

Ash filled out the sheet, writing down his name, date of birth, gender, and preferred Pokémon type. For the last question, he simply filled it with “All” and nudged the sheet back over after signing it.

“Thank you,” the Professor said as he scanned through the answers, chuckling once more as he came to the end of it. Without turning around, Ash guessed with help from the glint in the Professor’s eye that his mother was also smiling, and had probably stole a peek at his answers.

“Now,” Oak started, standing from his seat and walking round to Ash, “let’s get this show on the road.”

~~~~

Authors Note: I really liked this chapter. I began with sticking to both the Anime and the games beginnings and went on from there. I don't think getting a starter in the first chapter is a bad thing to do, but it's just not something I usually do anymore.
 
mm, not bad. It definitly is reminenscent of the first episode, but with a few tweaks to make it seem more realistic, as well as small details that, overall, make it seem more like how it would actually happen in real life. Do you mind vm'ing me when you put up new chapters?
 

DANdotW

Previously Iota
You know, you could just subscribe. That would make it a little easier on both of us, since I don't do VMing often.

Thanks for the review, though.

Iota
 

Seijiro Mafuné

Diogomainardista!
...not that good. The punny names are only puns and not fun, I don't see why rename characters while you retain the names of others, and some of that stuff was overlong; I don't need to know who the parents of the two other guys are right now if they aren't going to matter too soon as it seems it'll be. That part you could have cut out and waited until the two characters were properly introduced. (Besides, kids don't really remember other peoples' parents that well, is my issue.)

Relevant typo: you described the water heating from fire-types' heads.

The form was too simplified; not a good idea. Yes, he's a child, but that doesn't mean it's smart to use just those few lines. If we're going with realistic, then that form should have a minimum of three pages of words and about eleven places where Ash needs to sign. Oh, and if Delia was in character she'd at least not curse. Just because she's not supernice doesn't mean she'll suddenly grow mean like that.

I'd say 'interesting idea about where Ash's father went to', but that's more to others I suppose; didn't really like it. Still, on that I'm me and I might have been the only one to dislike it, in comparison.

Most ridiculous point: Professor Oak being the one to create the town. Just because it's small doesn't mean it has to have only 40 years of existence at most.

I confess I didn't like this story as it is. Either I'm neutral on it, like most of it, or there's nagging stuff like the stuff I pointed out. Still, it's not the worst ever, so congratulations.

...oh, right. I'm supposed to say also positive stuff? Well... suggestions for fixing it then. Give a good reason why you should keep the names you changed, please tone down Delia's language, and as I've said, I suggest you take those 'telling' bits about the colorcodes' parents to different chapters where they'll be more relevant; as it is, all I know is that they have parents. Which... is probably what everyone would expect. (Okay, so they both have only male parents. Still!) Focus on the relationship between Ash and those two in those paragraphs.

...and again, please. The names... they are too foolish for a non-silly story! That's why I'm nagging about them. They simply don't fit, sir! You may want to write a serious story, but all I'll be managing to do is laugh at the silly names. I'm sorry, I really am, but... Bluebell is nobody's first name. I'm sorry.

...is this a C+ grade? I 'unno. Anyway, review over, please address it now.
 

Torpoleon

Well-Known Member
Cool chapter! I remember your previous one. So, Ash gets his starter in Chapter 2, I presume? Well, I like how you change things around a lot like Deliah as Delilah and Gary as Gareth.
 

DANdotW

Previously Iota
Thanks for the long review, and for all the advice. I do have one question, though. Where have I had Delilah cursing? I reread it and I can't find any cursewords in there at all.

Also, I've known at least two people called Bluebell so far in my life and I'm only 20. Just because a name isn't popular or common, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. While I'm on that point, I'd rather have them called Redford and Bluebell than just the colour themselves, because, as you put it yourself; nobody has Red/Blue as a first name.

Gareth and Delilah were changed for simple reasons. I hated the name Delia, as it makes her sound much older than she is, and Delilah fits her current character much more. Gareth sounds more intelligent than Gary, and my character is a lot more brainy that simply shouting "loser" and sticking his tongue out.

When I said "at the head with fire-type attacks", I meant the shower head, not the head of the Pokémon themselves.

I do agree, though. After reading through it, the explanations of the fathers of Bluebell and Redford's parents could have been put later in the story, especially since, for a while, we're not going to hear from them.

Thanks for your input, anyways. I hope you can answer my questions and will continue to give advice on further chapters.

Thanks, Torpoloeon. It's nice to see you again, as you were a faithful reader of the old version.

11tjcoulombe, "lol", I don't do PM or VM lists. If someone wants to read, they can feel free to.

Iota
 

Seijiro Mafuné

Diogomainardista!
Why not give them normal names instead? Not every name needs to be a pun. Also, you may not be aware, but at least back in the nineties I'm pretty sure people considered 'hell' to be a word you don't say in front of the children in America, so my stand on it is that adults would very rarely be so rude as to say that. Also, now Delia sounds like she married Sampson.

I don't see how Gary can't be called Gary just because he's smarter. That's like saying your screenname depends on you being intelligent and, if you're not, you have to name yourself Bit.

And that was ambiguous. Anyway, no comments about my complaint about the town's age?
 

Torpoleon

Well-Known Member
I'm going to take a guess and say that since it is a retelling, wouldn't some characters have slightly different names maybe since it is a different take on the show/game/etc.
 

DANdotW

Previously Iota
I wasn't aware of that, no, since I'm from the UK. I generally write in the same language I'd use here in the UK.

I'm not saying I changed his name to Gareth simply so he sounded smarter, I'm saying the name fits him a lot more.

Ah, the whole "40 years" thing. Forgot to mention that. I'm not saying he built it in his twenties because it's a small town. My original idea was that he simply built his research centre there and the town eventually formed around it, but then it would have taken a lot longer than 40 years to get to the size it is in the story.

Also, I don't think of Redford and Bluebell as puns, but rather as references.

Iota
 

DANdotW

Previously Iota
Chapter 2 – I’ll Choose You!

“I’ll take anything but a Magikarp!” Ash blurted out to the old man, recalling his dream the night before much too easily. The Professor chuckled again with his little chuckle and looked Ash directly in the eyes as his mother did frequently.

“But of course you remember that Magikarp evolve into the extremely powerful Gyarados,” he reminded Ash, who agreed, blushing with his embarrassment.

“I suppose,” Ash said, lowering his face from the Professor’s.

With another chuckle, Oak pulled a shrunken Pokéball from the pocket of his lab coat and handing it to Ash. “Send it out.”

Ash excitedly pressed the button in the centre and dropped the ball as it enlarged itself. The ball opened, and Ash covered his eyes at the shockingly bright light. Opening his eyes when he felt ready, he saw a small yellow-furred Pokémon staring at him curiously.

“Pi?” it called, stepping slightly closer to see why he was cringing.

“It was the light from the Pokéball,” he said to the Pokéball, and jumped as the small creature laughed loudly, its large ears rocking as it did. Ash noticed small yellow sparks trickling around the pink coloured circles in the Pokémon’s cheeks, indicating where the electric sacks were.

“Well, hopefully this means you and Pichu will get on well,” Oak said as he sat back at his seat. “Please return him to his Pokéball for now, my boy. That will set the voice recognition system to your voice.

“Return!” Ash called, holding down the button to record his voice. Pichu turned into a transparent red energy, floating in midair for a second before racing into the Pokéball through the button that Ash still held down.

“That should do it,” the Professor said, watching as Ash pressed the button lightly to shrink the ball back down to its portable size. “Any Pokéballs you purchase will have the same function, and will need to be set to your own voice once you catch a Pokémon in them. This is to stop theft and prevent anyone else from accidentally releasing your Pokémon

“I also have these for you,” he said, passing a small pouch to Ash. Opening them, Ash saw five brand new Pokéballs and a rectangular device. It was red, and had a small clip on the side. Pressing it, the front popped open, similar to a book.

“I’d smile if I were you,” Delilah commented from behind. Before he had a chance to do anything, there was a flash from a small blue bulb at the top of the device, and Ash’s face appeared on screen.

“Ash Ketchum of Pallet Town,” it said aloud, in a crackling computerized voice, “Is this correct?”

“Yeah, I’m Ash Ketchum,” Ash replied, still looking rather shocked.

“That is your Pokémon Encyclopaedia,” Oak told him, smiling rather smugly. “I invented it, and at the risk of tooting my own horn, it’s rather brilliant. Gareth and the others have been calling it a Pokédex, mainly because I myself nicknamed the voice Dexter.

“It is to be used for gaining information on Pokémon that you may not yet have met. This button,” he said, pointing to a large triangular button directly underneath the screen, “is the button that activates the scanning system.”

“And the rest of the buttons?” Ash asked, looking at the many other small and large buttons around the main device, and noticed on the inside of the panel that closed the device up that there was the same Pokémon League insignia of a small circle surrounding on the bottom by a curved line as if made by a paintbrush.

“The rest of the buttons are for you to work out for yourself,” the Professor told him,” but one that I will inform you off is the green triangle on the left of that white button.”

Ash saw how three triangles made up a rectangle under the screen, with the white being the largest and a smaller green and blue triangle on either side.

“If you press that green button, it will send me a signal, telling me where you are. I call the nearest Pokémon Centre to you and when you arrive there, they’ll tell you to call me. This is only to be used to let me know you want to switch Pokémon on your team.

“Thinking about that, a third is important. Under that green triangle is a yellow star-shaped button. As you know, you’re not allowed to keep more than six Pokémon with you at any given time. When you catch a Pokémon that won’t fit into your allotted six, or if you simply want to send a Pokémon back here by teleportation, you can press this and it should arrive here safe and sound. Do you understand this?”

Ash thought for a moment before answering.

“So if I have six Pokémon and catch a seventh, I need to press that star-shaped button to send it to you before I get into trouble for breaking my six-Pokémon licence,” he theorised, watching the Professor’s face as he answered, “and I can send as many Pokémon back to you whenever I want.”

“Correct,” Oak answered, smiling, but indicating with his hand for Ash to continue.

“If I want you to send a Pokémon back to me, I need to contact you either from a Pokémon Centre or with the green triangle.”

“That’s right,” his mother added in from behind him.

Ash pressed the blue triangle to the right of the large white triangle.

“Pokémon Attack Library.” the tinny voice piped up. “Please use the scanner on a Pokéball for details on a Pokémon’s known abilities.”

Ash smiled, having expected something similar to that effect happening.

“Looks like you’re not completely devoid of my intelligence after all,” his mother said, laughing sharply. The Professor laughed heartily as well.

“I take offence at that,” Ash mumbled.

“No you don’t,” Delilah mused, still smiling at her son. “Now thank the Professor. We need to get you home quickly if you’re going to get your things and still be in the same position as the other three.”

Ash bowed his head and thanked the Professor earnestly and said goodbye to him. He did the same to Daisy, who was busy typing things into a silver laptop on her desk.

***

The twenty minute walk back home with his mother had been tedious since neither had spoken. Ash stared at his Pokéball the whole way and his mother simply dragged him along, all the while casually ensuring that the loose straps of her flowing pink dress didn’t come off her shoulders.

They had got into the house and Ash had gathered his remaining clothes, which consisted mainly of shoes, a jacket, and his favourite cap, and grabbed his bag before returning downstairs. The main item he needed was a magnetic strip to attach through his belt straps. This allowed the metallic Pokéballs to be kept conveniently around the waist.

His mother sent him off without too much fuss and advised him not to stay out too late, and use the money she had given him to stay in Pokémon Centre’s on his travels.

He thanked and kissed her and travelled to the exit of Pallet Town.

Ash now realised for the first time that he had never left Pallet Town in his life, and regretted it fully. He now had the chance to escape the quaintness of the town and emerge from his shell, becoming the powerful trainer he had always dreamed of being.

For thirty minutes, he followed the trail heading towards Viridian City in silence. Finally unable to contain his boredom any longer, he decided to let Pichu come out and have a walk.

“Come on out,” he called, not too loudly, as he threw the Pokéball into the air. Covering his eyes at the almost unbearable light once more, he saw Pichu standing with the same expression as before on his face when he lifted his arms from his face. “Hi, Pichu.”

“Pi, Pichu!” the Pokémon said as Ash bent down to greet him, smiling. Overexcited, Pichu began to generate electricity all over his body, and as he watched it, he attempted to touch some, shocking himself.

Ash laughed, and after a moment of embarrassment, Pichu began to laugh too. Deciding to get some knowledge, Ash pulled out his Pokédex. Opening it, he pressed the large white triangle.

“Pichu, classified as the tiny rodent Pokémon,” the voice droned, “and recognised as an electric type. Most Pichu cannot hold much electricity in their small electric sacs, and so in moments of excitement or anger, they will accidentally shock themselves with the amount of electricity there. When together, Pichu touch each other with their tails and setting off sparks, as some sort of test of courage.”

“So,” Ash mused, laying his hand down so Pichu would climb on, “you’re an electric type. I wonder why Oak gave me you, instead of a standard starter. I guess I should have asked him.”

“Pi?” the electric-type asked, cocking his head to the side. Ash noticed the black fur around his neck looked very much like a collar.

“That’s a pretty rude thing to say outright, isn’t it I suppose,” he decided, letting Pichu back down on the ground to trot alongside him. Ash noted that the Pokémon didn’t even come up to his own knee in height.

They walked and chatted for a while, not that Ash could understand anything the Pokémon was saying. It made him feel a lot more comfortable walking alone through the narrowing path alone. On his left he saw a small lake, and noticed a girl with a fishing rod at its side.

“Hi there,” he called as he walked closer. The girl jumped at the sound of his voice.

“I was relaxed there!” she shouted at him, throwing her fishing rod down to the ground and turning to him with anger in her brilliantly sharp green eyes.

“I’m sorry,” he quickly mumbled, backing away slightly as she pulled out a Pokéball.

She threw the ball in the air without a word, and the light emerged. Ash saw nothing as he covered his face with his arms, but heard a loud splash. As the light cleared enough for him to see properly, he looked at the lake. A Pokémon with white and pink scales peered out of the water’s surface, with a large horn protruding from its head between its shimmering black eyes.

Ash pulled out his Pokédex, momentarily stopping the girl from moving as she eyes the device and listened to the voice herself. He pressed the white button, and a picture of Goldeen appeared on the screen.

“Goldeen, classified as the golden fish Pokémon and recognised as a water type. Most Goldeen swim elegantly with their flittering tail fins. As soon as they sense danger however, their sharp horns can be dangerous. They’re considered as fast swimmers.”

Misty stared at Ash incredulously for a second, before piping up again.

“Nice trinket you’ve got there,” she said sarcastically, “but gaining all that information on Goldeen won’t help you. Goldeen, use Supersonic!”

The water-type jumped out from the water, and Ash saw its fins properly for the first time, and marvelled at them for too long. Goldeen aimed its horn towards Pichu and opened its thick pink lips, emitting a strange squealing sound. Ash saw barely visible ripples in the air, and almost immediately, Pichu began to sway from side to side, with his eyes crossed.

“Pichu, do something!” Ash called out, pulling his Pokédex from the pocket of his blue jacket once more, aiming it at Pichu and pressing the red button as Goldeen fell back into the water.

“This Pichu can currently utilise the following techniques: Thundershock.”

Ash stood for a moment, waiting for more attacks to be listed.

“I suppose you should use Thundershock, then!” he called to his Pokémon, who still stood swaying, obviously confused after the attack from Goldeen. Ash wasn’t sure Pichu had come to his senses, but the electric-type still tottered over to the lake’s edge and began to expel electricity from the sacs in his cheeks.

The bright yellow sparks traced their way from the pink cheeks into the water, zapping Goldeen and causing it to jump from the water. It came towards Pichu with its horn as the intensity of Pichu’s electricity became too much for him.

There was a large wave of electricity leaving Pichu that found its way to Goldeen’s body and electrocuting it more, leaving it twitching on the ground next to Pichu, who had also passed out.

“Goldeen!” the girl called, wind blasting her bright orange hair as she ran to her Pokémon. Ash followed suit and ran to Pichu, picking him up from next to the water-type that was double his size. “You’d better get apologising properly now!”

“I just wanted to say hi,” he admitted, pulling Pichu’s Pokéball back from his pocket and calling him back inside in the form of transparent red energy. The girl took Goldeen back into the Pokéball she held and shrank it to a size easy to fit in her small blue shorts, which matched her small blue sleeveless top.

“Three trainers have already passed by me, and none of them bothered me at all,” she told him, now even angrier that her Pokémon was injured. To make matters worse, as she turned to her fishing rod, it was swept off into the centre of the lake and sank to the bottom.

“Before you say anything, I’m sorry about that as well!” Ash called, quickly backing away from her. He could see a vain pulsing on the side of her head. “I’ll buy you a new fishing rod.”

“You’d better!” she yelled at him, walking up to him. She was about an inch taller than him, and he noticed how slim she was. “You can walk me to the Pokémon Centre in Viridian City as penitence.”

“Of course,” he agreed, since he had to go that direction anyway. The two walked briskly the rest of the way into Viridian City, not talking to each other due to either anger or guilt.

As they reached the border of Viridian City, she turned to him.

“My name’s Misty Waterflower, by the way,” she told him, hiding the glint of a smile in her eyes and the twitching at the edges of her mouth, “just so you know who to write the gift card to.”

He laughed, clasping his hand to his mouth as he did.

“I’m Ash Ketchum,” he told her, smiling. “I really am sorry about your Goldeen. And I’m sorry about making you jump. And I’m sorry for losing your fishing rod.”

“That was a mouthful,” Misty told him, trying to conceal her smirk by turned away, “but your apology is accepted. Now let’s get to that Pokémon Centre.”

They both smiled at each other and carried on their walk to the large red-roofed building, which sported a giant “P” above its doors. As they approached the doors, they opened at the notice of their movement, and the two trainers entered.
 

Torpoleon

Well-Known Member
Pretty good! I remember how you gave Ash Pichu rather than Pikachu. I can't wait for more!
 

DANdotW

Previously Iota
Thanks for the review. I'll probably post the next chapter tuesday. Keep reading.

Iota
 

Dayvad

Mercenary
I reallly like this story and how Ash got pichu as his first pokemon, I'm really intersted to see where you go with it.
Oh by the way i think the way you named the other two trainers Redford and Bluebell was a great idea and the way you gave the extra bit of info on them and who thier parents were really added to the story.
All in all Good so far i'm lookin forward to the next chapter
 

DANdotW

Previously Iota
Thanks for the review. Glad you liked it.

Iota
 

Ash-kid

Ash-kid
I read the first chapter, it was great. I loved the plot, soon I'll read the second chapter.
 

Seijiro Mafuné

Diogomainardista!
...okay, where do I start...

First, a few questions, to be frank. Why Pichu? Why is he acting so blandly like a common Pokémon? Why did you skip the scene where we'd get to see them trying to talk to each other? Why is Misty so bipolar? Why did she attack him for simply walking in on her? Why was it that 'nobody bothered her' except him?

Onto less subjective matters. I'm not sure if you know how to write kids, and if you do, then I wonder how you missed that one. Ash would refer to Professor Oak as, at least, 'the professor', not by his first name, because he's an important figure and it's not common for kids to talk about adults by name so directly like that. Ash calls him Professor Oak all the time, not Oak. He'd either use his first name, which is really not likely, or he'd use another term.

You wrote that Ash smiled while apologizing. That didn't come out well, unfortunately; when someone apologizes, they're normally not smiling, because to apologize means you've done something wrong, or such. Smiling during an apology sort of mocks the person you're apologizing to, at least in this case where Ash is in the wrong.

The 'Pokémon Centre' bit is language-specific so I'm not bothering.

I also find it weird that you spent more time describing how the Pokédex works than the goodbye scene between Ash and his mom. I mean... jeez! He's never going to see her again! Why not at least write their last conversation or such properly, rather than just tell us?

That reminds me. You're telling at times when it's unnecessary. You were telling when you described those two kids and their families, and now you're telling during emotional scenes. Even if you don't want to show everything, you still need to make us feel like we're watching this happen, since you're trying to rewrite the animé, which was a visual medium.

This means "Show, Show, SHOW". More than the others.

Oh, and back on chapter one. I forgot to mention, but considering you didn't even bother describing the kids properly, what was the point of that again?

There. Hopefully this review will be used somehow. Not sure if I managed to point out anything constructive, but well... I suppose you can take the fact that I didn't complain about everything and only about certain aspects to mean that I liked those aspects I didn't complain about. Which is normally how I view things anyway.

...okay, now I'm done.
 

Zerodius

Eternally hating D/P
I think I will jump in.

I know a lot of people say that this fic is great and all... but I don't like it. At all. In fact, I find it to be very bad.

The first chapter feels pointless and there are many changes in the story that make me go "Huh?" instead of "That's great!". In fact, most if not all of the changes cause the former, not the later reaction.

First of all, nothing technically happen in the first chapter. You could have merged chapter 1 & 2 together and it would have been far more interesting. But even though nothing important happen, problems can be spotted right away:

-why did you change Gary's name? I see absolutely no reason why to change it. Maybe if you would be changing all of the names to the japanese versions or what not, maybe it would make change. But "Gareth"? Seriously? The same complaint can be applied to Ash's mother. And since you're at it... why didn't you rename Ash too?

-Oak, founder of the town? For some reason, that does not appear very logical to me. And 100 people in a town... well, that's not a town. A town is made of a bit more than just 100 people last I knew.

-Ash's mother's comment about "coming back in a body bag"... I'm all for a darker portrayal of the Pokémon setting but this strikes me as either her being shown as a deluded paranoid or your portrayal of the setting having serious security issues with Pokémon Training, which doesn't make much sense. I think the League or whatever authorities you make control this world would have a system to ensure a decent survival rate for starting Trainers, especially considering a lot of these are kids.


That's for chapter 1. For chapter 2, I have far more complaints.

-Pichu... seriously? Why turn Pikachu into a Pichu? It's not as if Pikachu was especially overpowered or something. And even if Ash's Pikachu is still special, he does need time and training to get stronger.

-Pichu has no personality whatsoever. He has the generic Pichu flavor description and... nothing much. Basically, you shown Pichu getting excited, shocking himself, the Pokédex explaining he's acting like a generic Pichu... and then the scene about the two cut there, leaving us to assume that indeed, Pichu is just a generic Pichu with no special personality whatsoever. The original had a strong personality ; hated Pokéballs, very independant, that kind of thing. Pichu/Pikachu is an important character, Ash's constant partner and team leader in fight situations. I think he should be a very prominent, lively character.

-... by extension... the removal of the "hate Pokéball" trait is a very perplexing change. Being out of the Pokéball allow to develop Pikachu as a character far more easily and also Ash as a Trainer, since he cannot solve issues with his Pokémon simply by pointing and yelling "Return" ; it force him to actually consider his Pokémon as, well, party members and start treating them accordingly.

-Misty seemed to be sorta insane. She attacked him almost without a reason, got extremely upset when he defended himself, and then acted as if she was the queen of the world. I do not know on what portrayal of Misty you are basing yourself ; neither in the anime, games, movies, or any source material I have seen did Misty fit the portrayal you shown.

-The fight scene was... lame. Even by the standarts of "first clunky fight scene the Trainer has no idea what to do". Pichu charge himself up, jump at Goldeen, they knock each other out. End. I mean... what? And even then, there was minimal description and it felt expeditive at best. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt ; that was only the first fight scene but still...

-Retelling of the anime, right? I found the changes to the plot to be... questionable. The original was fairly action-filled, with Ash attempting to catch Pokémon, getting into trouble, Pichu/Pikachu learning to cooperate a bit with Ash, the meeting with Misty and getting her angered (via stealing of the bike)... compared to this, chapter 2, the equivalent, is fairly... empty. Ash talk a bit with Pichu (which is not even "on-screen"), fight Misty, more walking... and that's it? I know that the anime had some ridiculous moments worth rewriting but I think you were excessive here.


All in all, I do not know how much effort you have put into your fic but I really don't understand about the changes you've put in. Seriously? Right now, the fic appears to be fairly boring and full of changes that I really don't get the logic behind. The changes do not really improve the story and just baffles me, mostly.

This is a repost, correct?

Well... I recommend you actually go through your story, try and see if you can rewrite it. Because right now, I feel that the story isn't just that interesting.
 

DANdotW

Previously Iota
Can I just say to both of you one thing; this is a retelling, not a novellisation. I'm not attempting to stick to the original portrayal of any character or plot because I don't have to.

Yes, the name changes may "baffle" you, but at the end of the day, it's my retelling, and if I feel like I need/want to change names then I will.

I chose Pichu for a specific reason. It makes Ash much less able to fight since Pichu has a limited movepool in the first place, and it also gives much more ability for Ash to bond with it properly, since it hasn't already had a life to get used to being alone.

The "hating being in a Pokéball" thing. You've read two chapters. You can't assume that Pichu's not going to develop a hatred for it (since those sort of things don't just "happen", they have to have a reason).

I think it's quite obvious that Delilah is going to see him again. If he's been preparing for three years to leave on a journey both mentally and physically, then I'm sure Delilah has been preparing emotionally. Having journeyed herself, and having seen Ash's father journey, she'd know that he's going to return home at some point.

To the "body bag" thing; no matter how much effort the Pokémon League may put in to watching over beginning trainers and trainers in general, they can't seem to control crime syndicates such as Team Rocket, so I'm sure it's not that hard for an unprepared child to go astray.

To "it's not common for kids to call adults by their first name". Yes, it is. There are language differences as well as cultural differences, and I can tell you in the UK we have no problem calling adults by their first name. Teachers, yes, we call Miss or Sir, but Ash isn't calling him Sam/Samuel. He's calling him Oak, an affectionate term. Since Delilah used to be his assistant, you can quite easily picture, I'm sure, that Oak hasn't exactly been an observer from afar in Ash's life.

Historically, by the way, at least here in Britain, being called a town had nothing to do with population. If a settlement had a church, it gained the right to call itself a village. If it was granted a charter to hold a regular livestock market, it could be considered a town.

Villages and Towns both could range from populations of a couple of hundred to tens of thousands. Some villages in India still contain over 10,000 people. Cities tend to have some sort of legal/administrative/histrorical status based on local law. As Bluebell's father works as a policeman in Celadon City, we can safely suggest that Pallet Town does not have it's own law enforcement.

I really appreciate both of your reviews, as it has pointed things out to me, such as my expositioning of some facts that could quite easily come later. You've reminded me that there should be some evidence this early at least foreshadowing the fact that Pichu will not like his Pokéball, but that all comes later as the problem addresses itself. You've put my rear in gear as to having the Pokémon Leauge watching over travelling trainers, which I honestly didn't even consider.

I really hope both of you continue to read and that your opinion of the story so far can improve in your minds.

Iota
 

Seijiro Mafuné

Diogomainardista!
I can't help but feel for some reason that your reasoning for using 'retelling' doesn't mesh with me, but before you complain about that again, I don't exactly know why. It just feels like you should be using a different term. Now that this has been stated:

- So you're not novelizing. Still, there's a difference between 'telling the exact same thing with different words' and 'coming up with a variant that still works'. The main usefulness of the Spearow chase was that it came after a lull where we got to see Pikachu's personality (doesn't like Ash, doesn't like Pokéballs, is fairly independant), then it was scene after scene of the two of them running away and, in the process, we got to see several Pokémon, which was acceptable because it was on the grounds of 'Ash is getting in their business'. Oh, and there was a waterfall scene. Also, Ash had stolen and then destroyed Misty's bike, which was a really effective way of getting her to be angry at him, and it took her realizing how badly hurt his Pokémon was for her to calm down. Here... that doesn't happen. Given how we can't apparently use the OoC argument here, the best I can say is that her first appearance was badly-written given how it makes her act in a manner that I can't understand why she does so. She wasn't 'angry one minute then happy the other' all of a sudden in the animé, she was mostly shocked and that shock gave way to anger. Oh, and the part that's really annoying is that she picked, of all things, being bothered to fight him. If you really wanted to have her display anger at the fact that her fishing was ruined, why not have her say instead 'thanks to you I just lost the big one!' and work from that? I guess that's what you tried to make happen, but the way you portrayed her reasoning wasn't that good. And like I said, most people don't apologize while smiling.

- Okay, so there's some geographic issues going on based on the fact that I'm not British. Apology of sorts. Still, rather than give such a round number, which is unlikely to matter, saying it had only a few hundred people at most not only still makes sense but it avoids the risk of you getting nagged like this again. People don't really want to know how many people live in a city unless it's going to show them all. Or some sense of 'this city is humongous/small'. I 'unno how it is in Britain, but when you said 'a hundred' I thought it was something close to a Wild West town with five people per building and way too much open space. It's amusing, but untrue.

- Actually, we only had one chapter of Pichu's personality. And while it's fair for you to want to 'develop' it, it isn't the most necessary of things. We didn't need to know what happened to Pikachu in the past to understand that he didn't like Pokéballs (mostly because he can't talk), we just needed to see his constant 'don't want to obey' actions to know that he was independant. And as he was, we assume that Pikachu doesn't like being in a Pokéball because it cuts his freedom.

We didn't need to see that happen. We just needed to see the results and enough of a connection that it allows us to come up with the answer ourselves. And I'd guess the reason why he got all worried about the fact that Pichu doesn't seem to have much of a personality is because, well, you've changed enough of the stuff from the animé that was enjoyable (in my point of view, at least) and the replacements simply weren't that good. Misty there is the particular major annoyance, as pointed out; her behavior simply doesn't fit. And you can't ask us to forget the animé when the point of matter is that you're writing this for animé fans who want to see an improved version of a show they liked at least once.

That's my reasoning. So now I hope you at least understand why the complaints.
 
Top