Poke-Cousins

[The PikaMew Fanatic]

This is my first fanfic and it's about 2 cousins that are just starting their journey in a new region. Please don't be hard on me.
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Poke-Cousins

A normal town, situated between a mountain range and an ocean. Then sudenly, a girl screams.
"TYYYLEEER!!!" A tall girl with long, flowing, green dress runs to her cousin's room. The rest of her features are unseeable under a bucket full of red paint.
"Yes Kaittie?" replies a young, black haired boy lieing on his bed, wearing a big smirk.
"First of all, my name is Kaitlyn. KAITLYN!! Second, WHY DID YOU PUT ANOTHER BUCKET OVER MY DOOR?!?!?!?!?!" screeched the girl.
"Why, whatever do you mean dear cousin? And really, do you mind leaving? You're dripping paint on my carpet again," he replied with a laugh.
"Oh, I'll show you funny mister. Just you wait. This was the 12th time this week!" the 10 year old girl said before she left.
"13th. Don't degrade my work. And don't underestimate me. I can see your moves before you think of them," Tyler replied as he followed his cousin out of his room.
~~~~~~~~
1 hour later after, Kaitlyn takes a shower, the 10 year old boy waits for his cousin in the kitchen.
*Just you wait, you little urchin. I'll get you soon,* Kaitlyn thought as she walked down the hall. *I know! I'll throw a water balloon!*
"Don't even think about it," Tyler called as Kaitlyn walked into the kitchen.
"Calm down kids!" yells Tyler's dad as he walked into the room, ruffling Kaitlyn's bouncy brown hair. "I'm off to Proffesor Fern's lab. Want to come? You might find something you like," he hinted with a smile.
"You have to work on a Sunday? That stinks," commented Tyler.
"Come on Ty! It might be fun!" Kaitlyn said.
"That's the spirit! Let's go!"
~~~~~~~~
"We're finally here," Tyler told his dad. "Blueber Town is so boring at this time of day."
*We already knew that,* thought Kaitlyn. *Maybe I could shove this chemical tube up his-*
"Don't even think about it," Tyler called for the 2nd time that day. "And beside the point, why did it take you an hour to get ready to leave? You're a fashion freak. It's that new kid, Jake, isn't it? You're hoping to see him, right?" he questioned slyly, green eyes glinting.
"Shut up you little urchin!" replied a blushing Kaitlyn, glaring at him with malice. They then walked over to a large group of children.
"Ah. You're finally here," said a tall woman in a lab coat. "We've been waiting. Your father, my assistant, signed you up to get your Pokemon."
"WHAT?!?!" both children shouted in unison. "Thank you Uncle Robert!" Kaitlyn yelled happily.
"Think.. nothing.. of it," Robert gasped out with difficulty as the children hugged him in a death grip.
"Settle down children," called out the proffesor. "Since we only have Rattata and Pidgey in the lab, the most common Pokemon, each of you will take a Pidgey or Rattata and 5 pokeballs. You will then go to the forest at the foot of the mountains and use your borrowed Pokemon to catch your own," she explained.
"Okay, let's go!" yelled the excited cousins in unison.
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That's the first chapter. Please read and review! Thnx ^__^
​

 

[shadowflare76]

hey it is a good start but a little short don't ya think and pikachu rules VIVA LA PIKA!!! ;025; pi pikachu

 

[Chaos Absol]

I think this could be great.But please, heaven forbid give them Charmander or Pikachu.And scratch anything too populer also.

 

[The PikaMew Fanatic]

Thnx for replying guys. And Chaos Absol, you'll see if I give them Pikachu or Charmander. -hint hint-
*;025;: I know! He gives them [SPOIL]Pichu, Ralts, and Houndour[/SPOIL] .*
Ignore the bumbling idiot please. ^__^

 

[Felix Feral Fezirix]

;025; Yoz Pikachu alert 1337 Pikachu coming through...*Crashes into a wall. Idiot*

Some punctuation errors. At the end of any speech that is followed by a phrase of who said it or something like that, if you end with a full-stop add a comma instead of leaving it blank. That's probably all I spotted. Not bad but I'll wait for the next few chapters to be sure.

;025; Pikachus and Charmanders rock but I know one who doesn't...

;004; Felix...Don't make me ruin my makeup...

;025; Ruin it for all I care. And Viva la Pika ain't good enuff. "Pikachu is teh ultimate pwnage!!!" sounds more 1337 and cool. heh.

;004; FELIX.........

;025; GO TRY TO **** SOMEONE ELSE! AND THIS IS MY POST! OUT!

righto...time to end this before a fight breaks out...

[/;004;;025;]

 

[The PikaMew Fanatic]

Thnx, I'll fix that comma problem. BTW I'll be putting up the next chap soon.
*;025;: Hiya Mandy. Care for a date?*
*;277;: Oh no you don't lover boy. -pecks Pika on the head-*
*;025;:Hey! Ow! That hurts!*
You guys are emberassing.

 

[AmericanPuppy104]

I would like to know what the reigon in this is like. The same with the characters. Other then that, it's pretty good. -;245;

 

[The PikaMew Fanatic]

Chapters 2 and 3

Hey people! Sorry for the long wait. I've been really busy lately. From now on, this fic is rated pg-13 for minor language. By the way, this story is in a new region and all the towns are named after fruits. Anyhoo, time for next chaps! ^__^
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Poke-Cousins

A group of children come out of a large building, each carrying a pokeball. They were led by 2 adults, a man and a woman.
"Okay everyone," the woman called. "It's time to go into the forest and capture your Pokemon."
As the mob of children ran into the forest, 2 kids near the front start talking.
"Bye Kaittie! See ya in 20 minutes!" said the boy.
"Ha! Tyler, I'll catch a Pokemon in only 10. And by the way, IT'S KAITLYN, NOT KAITTIE!" the young girl shouted in reply as they went their seperate ways.
As Tyler went into the forest, he pulled out his pokeball and let out a Rattata in a long, scarlet beam.
"Okay Rattata, we need to find a Pokemon for me to keep. Alright?" he inquired.
"Rattata rat rat!" the Pokemon happily called out.
"Okay! Lets go!" Tyler called, walking further into the forest.
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"Rattata! Tackle attack!" Tyler shouted as the rat Pokemon dived at a Poliwag. "Damn, it fainted. Oh well. Hey! A Pichu! Lets catch it!" Tyler said enthusiasticaly. "Use a bite attack!"
The Rattata wearily jumped at the Pichu with its fangs bared. They made contact and Rattata collapsed out of exhaustion while the Pichu turned around, glaring at Tyler.
*****! This is my only shot now that Rattata's fainted. Better throw my pokeball,* Tyler thought as the Pichu advanced toward him. "Go pokeball!"
The pokeball hit the yellow mouse and sucked it in.
"I guess that bite did more damage than I thought. Wait a second, I CAUGHT A POKEMON!" He yelled happily.
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"Hey Kaittie. What did you catch?" Tyler asked his cousin.
"IT'S KAIT- oh, nevermind. I caught a cute little Ralts!" she replied.
"I caught a Pichu. Hey Jake!" Tyler said as a handsome boy came over to them.
"Hey Ty! Hey, um, Cathy," greeted Jake. "You caught a Pichu? Awsome. I caught a Houndour."
"Huh...huh...hi," squeaked a nervous Kaitlyn. "Ty, could I see you over there please?"
Kaitlyn dragged Tyler to a nearby tree and pinned him against it.
"How do you know Jake?" she hissed.
"Don't you remember? I was the first person to greet him when he moved here. Could you please stop choking me now?" Tyler rasped.
"Hey kids!" greeted Tyler's dad as he walked over. "Are you guys ready for your Pokemon journey?"
"We can actually go?" Tyler questioned. "Cool."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3 hours later, the cousins and Jake stand on the outskirts of town.
"I'm gonna miss this place," said Tyler. "Just one question. Were is the next town?"
"It's...actually, I don't know," Jake replied.
"You dolts! It's Bana Town," Kaitlyn said angrily. "Lets just leave so the readers can get to the next chapter."
"Psst. Ix-nay on the tory-say and apters-chay," whispered Tyler, looking at Jake's confused face.
"Oh, right. Lets go!!" Kaitlyn replied happily.
"Girls," Tyler scoffed, rolling his eyes.
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Okay people. Here's the next chapter. Enjoy.
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3 children are walking through a valley. Tyler, Kaitlyn, and Jake. There seems to be a heated argument.
"Are we there yet?" Jake asks.
"No!" Kaitlyn angrily replies.
"Hey guys! Come look at this!" Tyler yelled, looking at something in a bush.
"Are we there yet?"
"No!"
"Guys?"
"Now?"
"Yes."
"Really?"
"NO!"
"Oh forget it. I'll do it myself."
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"Okay, now we're here," Kaitlyn says.
"About time. Look! The gym! Lets go!" Tyler exclaims.
"Um, guys?" Jake stammered as water plopped onto his nose.
"Shut the hell up Tyler, you little urchin. We need something to eat first. Besides, do you even know what type the gym uses?" Kaitlyn angrily shouts.
"Guys?"
"I'm not an urchin!"
Rain suddenly starts pouring down on the trio's heads as the cousins stare bewildered at the freak storm.
"I tried to warn you," Jake innocently says with a smile.
"Shut up!" the cousins yell.
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"Okay. Storms over and we ate. Now can I battle the gym?" Tyler whined.
"Fine," Kaitlyn grumbles as Tyler walks up to the gym.
"Okay! Lets battle!" Tyler yells as 10 people turn to face him. "****! There are so many people that are gonna battle the gym leader first."
After abut an hour, the trio finally make it to the leader.
"About time!" Tyler shouts. "Lets battle."
"You'll never win on your first battle," Kaitlyn says with scorn.
"She's right. I am a force to be reckoned with!" the gym leader calls out. "Go Umbreon! Go Murkrow!"
"This is a 2-on-2 double battle with no time limit," the referee shouts. "Commence the battle!"
"Go Pichu and Torchic!" Tyler shouts as his Pokemon come out.
"When did you get a Torchic?" his teammates inquire angrily.
"I captured it back in that valley while you guys were bickering," Tyler replies with a smirk. "Torchic! Use ember on that Murkrow!"
"Torchic tor!" the chick shouts as it runs at the Murkrow.
"Umbreon! Use protect on Murkrow!" the leader shouted.
*Perfect. My distraction worked,* Tyler thought to himself. "Pichu! Release your stored energy in a volt tackle!"
"Protect yourself with a bite, Umbreon!"
Umbreon bares its fangs at the mouse to scare it away. It was to late though as Pichu rammed into it charged with 1000 volts, fainting the dog-like creature on contact.
"I won! Yes!" Tyler shouts in excitement. "And you said I wouldn't win."
"Shut up," Kaitlyn told him. "Lets just get your badge and go."
"You aren't going to battle?" Tyler said with a puzzled look on his face.
"Course not! It would ruin my Ralts' dress!" Kaitlyn shouts.
"Cough fashion freak Cough," Tyler says innocenly. "What about you Jake?"
"I, um, don't want to battle," Jake stammered.
"Have it your way," Jake replied as a young girl runs into the room.
"Jake Ketchum!" shouted the young girl. " Mom and Dad want you home right now! They say that you shouldn't have left without asking!"
"Um, hi sis," Jake said.
"Ketchum?!" the twins shout in unison.
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I know, I'm evil for puting in a cliffhanger like that. You'll just have to wait and see what happens. Tell me what you think please! ^__^
​

 

[AmericanPuppy104]

Funny!!! But please no swearing.
;059;: I bet I know who Jake's mom and dad are. *wink wink*
;310;opcorn!!!! ^__^
Shut up.

 

[The PikaMew Fanatic]

That reminds me of something. Whoever can guess first who Jake's mom is gets a prize.
*;025;:Why not his dad?*
Because it's painfully obvious. Duh. PM me if you think you know.

 

[Felix Feral Fezirix]

His dad is called Ash. If you haven't figured that out...

;025; Your prize is $34.50 worth of Felix dynamite! Lighted.

Back to buisness. Hit Enter twice when starting a new paragraph. Less confusing. Also, when characters speak, try adding something at the end like:

"What can I do?" Rinoa sighed. "I have a Pikachu that handles loaded 44.s, a Charmander that adores make-up and a Torchic that just gets jealous."

Okay, I know it's a line I'm going to use later, but adding the character's name makes it easier to figure out who's talking. Like in an argument. Another one of my extracts:

"Heh, you ugly, flat, fat and muscly girl, get out of this princess' way."
"Why you..."
"What's wrong? Scared?"
"**** YOU *****!"
"STOP IT! ALL OF YOU!"
"Oh no."
"Damn."
"****."

Confusing. The real thing.

"Heh, you ugly, flat, fat and muscly girl, get out of this princess' way." Mandy said haugtily.

"Why you..."Chick said menacingly.

"What's wrong? Scared?" Mandy taunted.

"**** YOU, *****!" I had enough.

"STOP IT! ALL OF YOU!" An all too familiar female voice yelled.

"Oh no." Mandy sighed.

"Damn." Chick mumbled.

"****." I muttered.

 

[The PikaMew Fanatic]

Will do that for next chap.

 

[AmericanPuppy104]

I know who his mom is! *wink wink* ^_^ Oh, and I can't wait for the next chapter. -;245;

 

[Tazzari-san]

Just to ask, is the mom a character we know? Can you give us a clue at least?

 

[The PikaMew Fanatic]

Hint:She's a character from the show. BTW Americanpuppy, I won't tell you if your right or give you a prize because you didn't tell me in a PM.

 

[Tazzari-san]

Can you give us a more [/I]VALUABLE clue? Please? Thanx!
*Note: I underlined, bolded, and italized Valuable.

 

[The PikaMew Fanatic]

I'll say this one last hint: Ash was with her in Hoenn. You can figure out the rest, can't you?

 

[Tazzari-san]

I'll say this one last hint: Ash was with her in Hoenn. You can figure out the rest, can't you?

It's May, isn't it!? YES! I'm correct!

 

[Tazzari-san]

Sorry, I'm sometimes conceited........

 

[The PikaMew Fanatic]

I'm sorry Tazzari, but I clearly said to PM me.

PM me if you think you know.

If noone PMs me before I'm finished with the next chapter, I'll just post it anyway.